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If there was one emotion Katsuki felt comfortable with displaying, it was anger.
When he scraped his knees on the pavement, he was angry at the pavement for being so easy to fall on. When he was praised at school, he was angry at his teachers for thinking he needed to be told he was the best. When he got accepted into Yuuei, he was angry that the same school accepted quirkless scumbags and how that had made the achievement basically worthless.
When Katsuki's soulmark vanished though, that was one of the few times he felt angry with himself. Sure, stupid Deku might have hidden a quirk from him all these years - and a dumb quirk at that - but there was no way he could willingly change his soulmark… And if he could, why would he want someone other than him?
No, this must've been Katsuki's fault. He must've caused this change.
Well… Good! His mind supplied.
He never wanted that loser for a soulmate anyway. The universe had blessed Katsuki by getting rid of that ugly lightning bolt on his arm!
… So why don't I feel blessed?
Katsuki growled to himself as he stalked home. Thoughts of Deku, trembling against the wall and eyes filled with fear as Katsuki demanded an explanation plagued his mind. Then, that deformed bastard's face forced its way into Katsuki's memory next, swooping in like some goddamn prince to save stupid Deku from the villain.
Stupid extras. Don't they know that I'm always the hero?
Tears began to form in his eyes, which Katsuki hastily rubbed away using the back of his sleeve. What the hell?
Heroes didn't cry. Babies and Dekus cry!
So why does my throat feel like it wants to close up?
"Maybe if you weren't so angry all the time, you'd realise other emotions are a thing too." A voice that sounded strangely like his mother supplied.
"Stupid hag. What does she know?" Katsuki sniffed the snot back up his nose and broke into a run. "Stupid Deku. Stupid Deku! STUPID DEKU!"
He knows he can't get rid of me that easily!
Something about Deku changed in the first few weeks of Yuuei. He became more outgoing, he raised his hand in class and made friends. He even smiled.
Katsuki thought it was disgusting.
Not only that, but Deku had also started hanging out with Icyhot all the time. Why the nerd wanted to spend his time with someone even more boring than his parents' dumb fashion shows was beyond him.
Initially, Katsuki didn't care. They could do what they wanted as long as they didn't get in his way. After all, two losers hanging out together were two less losers bothering Katsuki… but after the sports festival, he couldn't pretend anymore. After that day, their bond grew stronger, until everything they did bothered him. They talked in hushed voices, leant in close to each other, gazed into each other's eyes and their shoulders brushed as they walked together… Not that Katsuki was watching them.
He just hated them. Something about the two extras being so close ticked Katsuki off. Whenever he saw them, his throat became tight, his stomach felt funny and his head ached. He couldn't understand it. He was clearly angry, but it was a different kind of anger, one that he had to admit he was unfamiliar with.
Katsuki didn't like not knowing.
Something had to be done.
He stalked the halls in search of the pair, hoping to find some answers. Usually, he wouldn't even bother - he knew confronting Deku led to fractured stuttering and incoherent mumbles, while Icyhot would just ignore him - but Katsuki was growing desperate. He needed answers so that these annoying feelings would go away.
He rounded the next corner, before eventually a low, tenor voice hummed down the otherwise quiet corridor.
Fucking Icyhot.
Begrudgingly mellowing his usually brash footsteps, Katsuki approached a small hiding place under the stairs, but remained out of sight. He wasn't sure why he hadn't immediately announced his presence - it wasn't like he cared about anything they had to say to each other…
Yet he chose to listen anyway.
"You really don't think it's ugly?" There was an air of vulnerability in that usually monotone voice. "You're not just saying that?"
"Of course not. It's beautiful… You're beautiful." Deku's voice was quiet, but gentle. He wasn't fumbling over his words or making himself feel small - Katsuki almost thought he'd misidentified the other speaker because of it. "Does it still hurt?"
"No. I hardly feel a thing since the mechanoreceptors got damaged, but what I can feel… it's good."
"I'm glad." Katsuki could hear the relief in his voice. "You've already hurt enough."
When he was met with a low hum in response, Deku sighed. "I mean it. Life hasn't been kind to you and you deserve to be happy."
"Life hasn't been kind to you either, Midoriya."
Katsuki grit his teeth at that. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? What did Deku have to feel bad about? He had the pleasure of being around the next number one hero, the pleasure of being his soulmate. If anything, Deku should be complaining about how he was no longer destined to be with Katsuki!
"No, I guess it hasn't.” His voice sounded small, more like the old Deku; it was familiar. “The discrimination, the bullying, it- it was awful, but I have a second chance now. I have a quirk, I have you. I won't take that for granted."
Katsuki didn't like that - no, scratch that - he hated it. The bullying? Didn't Deku know he was doing it for his own good? He was always trying to sacrifice himself to protect others, despite being the weakling that he was - didn't Deku realise that Katsuki was trying to protect him?
The ungrateful bastard.
"You're something special, you know that, Midoriya?" Icyhot murmured. Katsuki wanted to gag. "All my life, I never hoped for anything other than to prove my father wrong. I never wanted to presume I would find happiness, especially after my mother got sent away."
"Todoroki-kun…"
"But then, after 15 years, I get a soulmark and you appear in my life. You changed my world and continue to change it every day. From the day we found out we were soulmates to the moment you told me my power was my own, then every other day after that. You-"
Soulmates?
Deku and... Icyhot?
That couldn't be right. Katsuki's heart thudded, drumming in his ears. Deku couldn't have a new soulmate. Katsuki was his soulmate, and now that the marks were gone, neither of them should have one. If it was true that Deku had a new soulmate, then why didn't Katsuki get another one?
"What utter bullshit!" He roared, storming forwards. He stood over the pair, ready to yell, when he spotted Deku's mangled hand in Icyhot's own, their sleeves rolled back to display their marks.
Katsuki's eyes widened when his eyes scanned over the blazing snowflake that had replaced a detonating explosion and saw red.
"Kacchan?! What-?"
"You bastard!" Katsuki lunged for a freckled arm, but Deku slapped him away, fear in his eyes as his hand trembled violently in Todoroki's.
"Don't ever presume to touch Midoriya." The aforementioned spoke coolly. "I think you've done enough."
"You pretentious brat! Don't tell me what to do! If I want to touch Deku, I'll damn well do it! He's my soulmate and I'll-"
"No, you're not."
Katsuki's teeth ground together as his eyes landed on Deku, who gazed up at him with the same determination he had during their first training exercise.
"You what?"
"I said, you're not. You're not my soulmate. Not anymore." There was hatred in those verdant eyes and Katsuki didn't know whether to be angry or fearful. "You had your chance and you were cruel. You were my worst nightmare. I admired you, but I hated you for everything you did to me. Soulmates are meant to love each other, but I don't think you're capable of loving anyone. You only love being the strongest and hurting others. You certainly got some sick kind of pleasure from tormenting me. Maybe that's why the universe led me to Todoroki-kun. Maybe that's why you never got a new mark."
Katsuki was lost for words. He wanted to scream, to rage, but it wouldn't be enough. Nothing could describe this feeling.
"No, Midoriya. I reckon he does feel love, in his own terrible, warped way." Icyhot glared at him. "Why else would he be jealous of us?"
Jealous.
The word made him taste bile down his throat. Bakugou Katsuki, jealous? The idea was laughable… What did he have to be jealous of?
His eyes zoned in on the way a crooked hand rested perfectly in IcyHot's own - just like it used to with Katsuki's when they were younger, before he got his quirk. He noticed the close proximity in which they sat together - the only time Katsuki could touch Deku was with his explosions, gripping freckled skin almost possessively. He stared holes into that blazing snowflake that mocked him for taking away his mark...
For taking away his Deku.
He opened his mouth to argue, but faltered as realisation coursed through him. Katsuki was jealous.
Fuck.
"He's not jealous. Don't say stuff like that." Deku sounded irritated. If it wasn't for his own personal turmoil, Katsuki might've smirked at the idea of them arguing. "Kacchan hates me. Why would he be jealous?"
Dichromatic eyes met his own, piercing and relentless. It was like IcyHot could read Katsuki like a fucking book. It was deplorable.
He must have remained silent for too long, because Deku suddenly furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at him. "You're not… Kacchan? Say something. You can't be…"
Katsuki tsked and looked away.
"The fuck do you want me to say?"
As it turned out, that was not the right thing to say.
"Are you serious?" Deku stood up and glared at him. "You ha- have no right! Why- You… Ten years, Kacchan! Ten years you treated me like I was worthless!"
His eyes shone with tears. "The things you told me, the things you made me do, how can you even-? And now you're jealous because… because now I'm with someone who treats me like a person, an equal? Is this another sick joke?"
"Deku, I-"
"No! I don't want to hear it!" He shook his head violently and IcyHot stood up to gently stroke his arm. Katsuki watched as Deku leant into the touch and sighed, resigned. "You have a sick idea of what love is, Kacchan."
Love?
He scrunched his nose up at the word. He didn't love Deku. He loved explosions, he loved power, he loved being the best.
Katsuki regarded Deku, the pain in his eyes as he let IcyHot wrap him in a hug, and felt his stomach drop. He watched as IcyHot's usually straightened posture slackened and how he reached out to return the embrace. Verdant eyes fell shut, clearly trusting the safety of his… his new soulmate and, in that moment, Katsuki realised that Deku was right.
He didn't know what love was.
IcyHot rested his chin on top of green curls and glared at him.
"I think you should go."
Katsuki wanted to argue, wanted to kick and scream, but when Deku opened his eyes and looked at him, vulnerable and bitter and so unwelcome, he faltered.
"Leave us alone, Kacchan." He turned away to hide his face in IcyHot's chest, as the latter raised his bare arm to cradle the back of his head. "Please."
Katsuki zoned in on the emerald lightning bolt that had disappeared from his own arm not so long ago, etched onto IcyHot’s skin like it had always been there, and felt his throat tighten. Wordlessly, he turned on his heel and stalked away.
He had a lot to think about.
The silence of Izuku's dorm room was interrupted by a brash knock. Groaning with annoyance, he sat up, reached across Shoto and looked at the time.
04:03
Eyes immediately widening, he quickly shook Shoto awake.
"Hey, Sho. Someone's at the door. It might be Aizawa-sensei. Hide under the plushies." He frantically whispered.
They'd only just moved into the dorms and Izuku didn't want to get into trouble so soon. Sure, sleeping together helped with their nightmares, but their teacher didn't know that.
"'M sleepy." His soulmate mumbled, nuzzling against his pillow. "It'll be fine."
Izuku huffed, not having the will to argue, before he jumped off the bed and padded over to the door. After unlocking it, he peered outside to find harsh crimson eyes, spiky blonde hair and gritted teeth.
"Kacchan?!" He squeaked, clearly loud enough for Shoto to rouse, if the rustling sheets behind him were any indication. "What do you want?"
"I want to talk."
What?
It had been months since their conversation under the stairs and ever since, Kacchan had become even more irritable. His mission to prove he was better than Izuku became his top priority and he still glared daggers whenever he entered a room. He never touched him though, unless it was for training. If Izuku was honest, it's the least hostile Kacchan's ever been, but that did nothing to calm his nerves now.
He'd seen Kacchan snap before, many times. How could he not? After all, Izuku had always been the collateral damage.
"If you're under the impression that Izuku's going to let you set foot in his room, you're sadly mistaken." A warm hand wrapped around his waist and Shoto pulled him against his side protectively, sensing his distress. "You want to talk? Talk."
Izuku watched as Kacchan eyed the two of them, angry and uncomfortable, along with another emotion that he couldn't quite place, before tsking.
"Fine." He grumbled something else under his breath and scuffed his slippers against the floor. "I'm not a bad person."
Izuku raised an eyebrow.
Kacchan shook his head, obviously frustrated with himself. "I'm not… but, looking back, I did some… bad things. I treated you like shit-"
"You still do." Shoto mumbled.
"-And I can't change that." He pointedly ignored the comment. "But I can change what happens next. So, tell me what you want from me?"
Izuku blinked dumbly. What kind of question was that? He shifted nervously and forced himself to search those crimson eyes that had so often plagued his nightmares. What did he want? It was a question so foreign that it was almost laughable, but when Izuku realised Kacchan was being serious, he found himself lost for words.
Izuku wanted a lot of things, to be a hero, to protect people, for the world to be kind. However, when it came to Kacchan, there were few things he wanted from him.
"A sincere apology would be a good start." He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, terrified at his own honesty. "And for you to leave me alone and stop singling me out all the time. I’m not some dirt under your feet. I’m a person and I want you to recognise that."
The way Kacchan's eye twitched spiked his anxiety, but Izuku wasn't about to back down. Instead, he stood his ground and watched as the blonde struggled to open his mouth.
"I- I'm…” He ground his teeth together with frustration. “Dek- I’m... fuck."
Izuku tried not to laugh bitterly. Deep down, he knew this would happen. Kacchan wasn't going to change because of one conversation, he wasn't going to indulge in what Izuku might want. He just wanted to feel better about himself.
However, the more optimistic side of his brain argued that maybe this was the start of a new Kacchan. Maybe he was trying to navigate redemption but didn't have a map. Izuku always liked to believe the best in people, even when it got him in trouble, and despite everything, he always had a forgiving nature. It was that now which allowed him to hope that, maybe, one day-
"I'm sorry."
Izuku's eyes widened. Had he heard right? Had Kacchan really said-
"Sorry for what?" Shoto asked coolly.
Kacchan glared at him, an argument or snide comment ready on his lips, before he decided not to pursue it and instead regarded Izuku.
"I'm sorry for all the shit I did to you." He offered as a way of explanation. "And if you want space, I'll do that. Don't misunderstand though, I will beat you. I will be the best there is. I just… need to be stronger. I can't be held back by shit like this."
"By shit like this?" Shoto echoed, incredulously. "You consider that a sincere apolo-"
"It's okay, Shoto-kun." Izuku interrupted, staring blankly ahead. His heart thudded against his chest as so many emotions raced through his head. It was overwhelming. Kacchan's words were fractured and a little hostile, but it didn't change the fact that he had just apologised. Even if it didn't sound sincere, years of learning his language told Izuku that it was, even if Kacchan didn’t truly understand the weight behind his words yet.
The ghost of a small smile appeared on his face, albeit fleeting; it didn't reach his eyes. He still had a long way to go before forgiving him. He couldn't just forget the lasting effects of his abuse, but hopefully, if Kacchan honoured his wishes, he could learn to heal.
"Thank you for your apology." He nodded.
The three of them fell silent then, unsure of how to proceed. Finally, Shoto spoke up.
"Was there something else you needed?"
Kacchan looked away and rubbed the back of his head with a tsk. Then, with a low grumble, he turned and stalked away.
The moment he was out of sight, Izuku leant fully against Shoto, burying his face in the crook of his neck.
Long fingers came up to massage his scalp. "Are you okay?"
He groaned in response, but his soulmate understood and pulled Izuku closer, before he shut the door and guided him back to bed. Once they were settled back under the protection of the covers and each other, he finally found his voice.
"He's trying his best." It sounded like an excuse to his own ears, but he believed it. Sure, his best could do to be a hell of a lot better, but right now, what was important was that Kacchan actually wanted to change. "He just needs guidance."
"Izuku, him trying to change isn't your responsibility." Shoto could read him like an open book. "He's hurt you, you don't owe him anything. You've told him what you want, the rest is up to him."
"I know but… I feel like I should help."
"That's what you think is right, but what do you want?"
"I want to be a hero." Despite his best efforts, fat tears began to flow down his face and a sob escaped him. "It doesn't matter what I want."
"Heroes are allowed to want too." Shoto ran his thumb over the creases of his forehead before wiping at damp cheeks. "I know you'll do what you think is right, even if you don't want to do it. But tell me, Izuku, is actively helping Bakugou change something you want to do?"
Izuku pressed impossibly close, hoping to melt against Shoto so he never had to move again. He squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. He hated that his answer came to mind so quickly; he wanted to bury the truth away and forget.
But he couldn't lie to his soulmate.
"No." He admitted, voice muffled by the fabric of Shoto's shirt. He wanted to elaborate, explain that he just wanted time to heal and not have to constantly look over his shoulder. He wanted to say that he didn't wish Kacchan any ill will, but he couldn't get his mouth to move.
"And that's okay." Shoto whispered, albeit it was louder than anything he'd heard since he woke up. 'If my old man wanted to change, would you think low of me if I said I didn't want to help him because I needed to focus on my own healing?"
"Of- Of course not!" Izuku stared with wide eyes. "You're his victim, you don't owe him anything!"
"Neither do you." Shoto knitted his eyebrows together and cupped a freckled cheek.
"That's different." Izuku mumbled. "You never had a choice."
"And you did?" Shoto raised an eyebrow. "You told me he'd purposely seek you out to torment you. You didn't choose to be bullied and even if you did, that doesn't make it okay."
Deep down, Izuku knew it was the truth, he knew that if the roles were reversed, he'd be saying the same thing, but it was so difficult to process. His entire life, he'd been beaten down and spat on, but it didn't matter what happened to him, if someone needed saving, he'd give it his all.
Shoto sighed. "Sometimes, distance is the best way to help. He asked what you wanted and you told him space, so give him a chance to do that. If it doesn't work, sure, you'll meddle like you always do, but for now, use this time to heal. Look after yourself, if not for you, then do it for me."
Izuku pulled away then to look into dichromatic eyes. He knew the weight behind those words. Shoto hardly asked for anything; he kept his desires bottled up and locked away, so they couldn't be used against him. Even now, the vulnerability in his voice was unmistakable and Izuku wasn't about to deny his soulmate.
"I'll try…" He whispered. "But I can't help but feel inadequate."
"If you measure your worth solely on the feelings of others, you'll never be happy." Shoto pressed a kiss to his forehead, warm and loving. "But, for what it's worth, I think you're perfect."
"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Tears returned to Izuku’s eyes and he sniffed.
"I ask myself that every day." Shoto met him for a tender kiss. "What did I ever do to deserve Midoriya Izuku?"
The two of them fell asleep wrapped in each other, content and complete.
Katsuki woke up feeling like shit, muscles aching from last night's training and throat raw from his battle cries. Oh well, at least he didn't have any dreams about that damn Dek- about Midoriya this time.
He shook his head and got out of bed, despite the bitter cold of the winter morning. Katsuki wasn't sure when he started trying to refer to Midoriya by his actual name, but he was glad he did. Deku wasn't his word to use anymore and he knew the effect it had on Midoriya, the flinching, the stuttering.
All caused by Katsuki.
He tsked and pulled a woolly jumper over his head. It hadn't been easy, recognising that what he had done was abuse, but he thought he was getting better. Katsuki no longer sought Midoriya out or forced himself into his life. At first, it had been excruciating; in all honesty, he had expected Midoriya to come crawling back to him, eager to help him in his usual, selfless way, but it never happened.
Of course it never happened, idiot!
He had his own shit to deal with, just because Katsuki was struggling to be a decent fucking person didn't mean Midoriya had to put his own feelings aside to help him.
He gathered his wash kit and stalked to the communal bathroom, swearing when his socked feet trod on a wet patch on the tiled floor. He got out his toothbrush, flicking the bent out of shape bristles, then looked up at the mirror.
The sight that greeted him had Katsuki dropping his toothbrush on the floor as he leant forward. His face looked no different than usual, if not for the purple bags under his eyes. However, on the right side of his neck, a crimson ruby painted his skin, so bright and vibrant that he initially tried to wipe it away. The action was futile though and it was obvious the mark was there to stay.
Katsuki’s eyes softened then and he inspected the mark more closely. After acknowledging that Midoriya was no longer his soulmate, he had eventually come to accept that he had lost his chance. He had been cruel and violent towards someone he was meant to love. He knew it was unforgivable, but when he traced the edges of the gemstone with toughened fingertips...
Katsuki dared to hope that maybe this was a sign he was on the right track.
“I’m happy for you, Kacchan.”
He whipped his head around to find Midoriya walking towards a nearby sink, donned in workout gear. Once upon a time, the sight would’ve made him flustered to the point where he’d lash out angrily and Deku would flinch under his gaze. Now though, he merely watched as Midoriya began his washing routine, relaxed and only slightly put out that Katsuki was staring at him.
“Whatever.” He huffed, picking up his toothbrush and running it under the tap. "I don't need your happiness."
“Fine. A word of warning though, Kacchan.” Midoriya faced the mirror, running a hand over his own soulmark, so bright against his scarred flesh - scars Katsuki had put there - but no less beautiful. “Don’t treat them the way you treated me.”
It felt like a punch to his stomach, but Midoriya wasn’t done. He turned then and met Katsuki’s gaze. “If you don't want them, let them get on with their life, but if you do, love them properly. Treat them like they're the most precious person alive. Fucking treasure them, because Kir- because they deserve nothing but happiness. Do you understand?”
The old Katsuki would've scoffed in his face; angry that stupid Deku would dare look down on him like that. He didn't want to be that person anymore though. He recognised that there wasn't disdain behind Midoriya's words, merely advice born from over a decade of harassment.
So instead, he huffed and turned away.
"Of course I fucking understand, I'm not stupid." He muttered, before raising his brush and taking his anger out on his teeth.
Midoriya sighed and continued his own routine, before gathering his things and leaving for his morning jog. Katsuki watched him go through the reflection of the mirror and when the door shut behind him, he let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes.
When they were younger, things were so much easier… for him anyway.
Katsuki opened his eyes then and traced his new mark once more, thinking of a certain person he had come to admire over the past year. While Midoriya was now untouchable to him, this person was different. They weren't fucked up like Katsuki was, but they were equals; they were stronger together.
If there was one person he knew he could love right, it was them.
Katsuki shook his head at the thought and stalked out of the bathroom. However, as he stared at the floor, manoeuvring around the puddle from earlier, he allowed himself a small smile. It was genuine and hopeful, as he considered a future where he could be happy.
A future where both Katsuki and Midoriya could be happy with their true soulmates, grateful that the universe had given them a second chance.