Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I am on your side, beginning to the end you know

Beginning to the end you know

So I am never going to leave you aside

It doesn't matter where you go

---On Your Side: SafetySuit

“Aaaahh…just one more semester till we complete our first year as university students!” A gentle sigh escaped Makoto’s lips as he allowed his body to collapse onto the couch.

Makoto and Haru were entering their third term at their respective universities, and found themselves reminiscing on how quickly the time had flown. Makoto smiled to himself as he reflected on how slowly but surely, Tokyo had begun to feel like home.

Granted, he was well aware that Haru played an essential contribution to that sentiment, as ever since he was a child, the words 'Haru' and 'home' had been synonymous.

Makoto turned his head to glance at his best friend standing in the kitchen just a few feet away.

"You really don't have to cook so much Haru. I promise I'll be fine! The last thing I want is to be a burden to you right before you leave for your tournament."

Haru swiftly turned his head to send Makoto a quick glare. "You're not a burden. Besides, I usually cook for us twice a week—so I'll leave you some leftovers since that's how long I'll be gone."

"EEHHH!? You'll be gone for a week!?"

Haru let out a hopeless sigh before turning to face a very distressed Makoto. "I told you last weekend my team qualified to swim at an international tournament in America. Between travel time and the duration of the tournament, we'll be gone for seven days."

A slight whine slipped from Makoto’s lips as he dropped his head in defeat--realizing he had completely neglected the fact that travel time would add on a few days to Haru's trip.

Haru released another vexing sigh before returning his focus to the leek curry he knew his best friend would whine about having to eat. He honestly didn't know what Makoto would do without him; at the beginning of their first semester, Makoto lived off of microwavable Ramen and Pocky. Once Haru found out how limited his diet had been, he made a conscientious effort to visit Makoto's apartment every week to make sure he ate at least one balanced meal.

Thinking back on their first college semester in a new city, Haru could feel a small smile creep along his face—allowing his traditionally cool and apathetic expression to dissipate.

He would be lying if he said he wasn't completely and utterly apprehensive about moving to a large city he had never been to. Haru had never been overly successful in making new friends or excelling in social interactions. Instead, he preferred to fade into the background and observe those around him as opposed to being an active participant in conversations.

It wasn't that he didn't like people; he just preferred having a handful of close friends and pouring his time and energy into those select relationships. Haru had always been introverted, and as such, being around large groups of people, or people he didn't know well, had always caused him a bit of anxiety and often emotionally and mentally drained him.

Considering his introverted tendencies, Haru figured it would benefit his growth as a person to leave his comfort circle and expand his surroundings. He had never been against the idea of college, but he also hadn't felt particularly drawn towards attending one. And Tokyo never really caught his intrigue, but he figured there were worse places to live.

No. What his university and the city of Tokyo offered him had little influence over what drove Haru to leave the only life he’d ever known. There were only two reasons that drove him to uproot and relocate to the big city.

The opportunity to continue swimming, and to remain alongside his best friend, Makoto.

When the duo first moved to Tokyo, the ever-reliable Makoto had been undeniably helpful and persistent in pushing Haru to make his own friends at his respective university. Makoto possessed a knack for knowing what was best for Haru, and never faltered in assisting him in finding and reaching his goals. Makoto had always acted selflessly by constantly prioritizing Haru’s needs and desires before his own. Haru often wondered how he had gotten so lucky in being blessed with a best friend as kind-hearted, thoughtful, and loyal as Makoto. It never ceased to amaze him how pure and genuine Makoto’s motives were in assisting and caring for others.

While he would never admit it outright, Haru hated having to separate from Makoto for an extended period of time. Rarely were they apart for more than a few days. It wasn't that the duo couldn't go without seeing the other, but for as long as either could remember, they’d always preferred to soak in the comfort of each other's presence than to be apart.

Haru turned to glance at his other half, and couldn't help but smirk at the defeated-looking expression he wore as he slung himself over the couch.

"Don’t be like that, Makoto: It's only for a week, and I'll have my phone. I'll try to remember to use it once or twice while I’m at the tournament."

Makoto's head immediately shot up--the dull color in his eyes returning back to their usual sea-green glow as his entire face lit up with a renewed sense of life. "You mean it!? You'll text me updates after your races!?"

Haru closed his eyes while slowly lowering his head. He couldn’t help but allow a gentle smile to form as he mused over how easily excitable Makoto could become in response to something Haru found to be incredibly trivial. He lifted his gaze to find Makoto staring at him with hopeful and radiant eyes.

"Yeah...I will."

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The day of the tournament had quickly approached, and Haru couldn’t help but feel a twinge of apprehension. It was a bit surreal knowing that Makoto wasn't in the stands eagerly waiting to cheer him on with the same youthful chants he had used since they were kids. Even so, despite not being physically present, Haru knew that he was rooting for him all the same back in Tokyo.

Haru was completing his warm-up drills without concern or much attention to his teammates. He wanted to feel the water in hopes of it calming any last-minute anxieties he had about the tournament.

Haru allowed himself to get lost in the familiar and comforting feeling of the water as his fingers carved an opening, causing the water to flow through his hair as it propelled away from his forceful kicks. His teammates watched on in admiration while chatting about their classes, families, and the number of cute girls they had seen at the tournament thus far.

"Oi Nanase!" One of Haru's teammates called out to him, hoping to get his attention. Haru reluctantly came to a halt as he stood in his lane, sending his teammate an irritated expression.

"What?”

"What about you, Nanase? Any girls you find cute? Or…wait! Don't tell us you've already got yourself a girlfriend back in Tokyo!?"

"Huh?"

He had never given much thought to committing to a romantic relationship before. He was never one to get riled up by romantic movies like Rin, or find himself emotionally moved or touched by a meaningful exchange of words between lovers like Nagisa did. And he hadn't experienced any desire to have kids or to get married, so the question caught him a bit off-guard.

"Not really. I don't have time for a relationship. Besides, something like that would only interfere with being able to feel and connect with the water."

Haru’s teammates couldn’t help but laugh at how quickly and honestly Haru responded.

"Ha! I shouldn't have expected anything less from our star swimmer. He doesn't have time to get involved with the drama and excitement that is Tokyo women! Oh well, I suppose that means less competition for the rest of us!"

His teammates proceeded to move on to discuss the attractive physical therapist from one of the universities in Germany. Haru, however, found himself frozen in place.

That's not true...that's not true at all...

Haru began to feel a sense of anxiety creep through his being, suddenly finding it incredibly difficult to breath.

This feeling—it's been here all along, hasn't it?

Haru's dedication and devotion to swimming and to his friends had always taken top priority in his life. Nothing had ever been more essential to him than the ability to feel the water, and to be in the presence of those he'd deemed as safe and honest people. That holding true, he'd never let anything get in the way of either of those priorities. That was why when unfamiliar feelings and desires began to stir up inside of him, he immediately attempted to suppress and force them to the back of his mind: convincing himself it was nothing.

But it isn’t nothing. It was never just nothing.

Haru stood in his lane, frozen at the sudden realization that hit him like a sharp slap in the face. Suddenly his throat tightened—his chest hurt—he could feel his heart beating in his chest, pulsating throughout his ribcage creating an uncomfortable tightness as his eyes flew open and alert.

It can't be, this feeling…

All at once, his true emotions came crashing over him. He was never able to fully suppress it. This feeling—these desires—they had never truly went away. Instead, they had been residing in the back of his mind—hidden in the innermost depths of his heart—waiting for permission to come to the surface. But Haru refused to give them permission. So why now, right before a crucial tournament, were they surfacing with such a vengeance? Why now were they forcing their way to the surface of his thoughts and conscious, demanding to be acknowledged?

Now's not the time to try and make sense of this. First I have to do my best for the sake of my team, and for myself. Maybe after my races are over I can sort through this…

It was at times like these Haru was grateful he had an innate ability to remain cool, calm, and collected. He was able to rationalize with his feelings enough to subdue the intensity of its revelation to focus on the tournament at hand. But he knew it wouldn't be long until they stirred back up. And when they did, Haru would be forced to face head-on what he had been trying to hide and deny for so long.

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Makoto was sitting in class, fidgeting like a small child who had been placed in time-out for far too long. He hadn’t heard from Haru since earlier that morning.

Makoto couldn’t help but worry and ponder over how he was doing. This was the second time Makoto hadn't been able to attend one of Haru's major tournaments. He felt uneasy not being physically present in the stands to encourage Haru during such a crucial and important event of his swimming career. He knew that Haru wasn't dependent on his presence to swim well, or to maintain his calm demeanor, but Makoto liked to be there.

He liked to watch his best friend swim so freely with a fervent passion. He liked being able to be a part of occasions that Haru considered special or important. He liked that Haru knew that regardless of how he raced, Makoto would always be there to extend his hand towards him. Watching Haru swim and attending his swim meets were the few occasions that Makoto allowed himself to be selfish.

Even if Haru said he wouldn't have time to talk to him until after the tournament, selfishly, Makoto just enjoyed being able to watch him swim and feel like a part of Haru's swimming experience and journey.

Seriously, what time is it in America?! Shouldn't he be done by now?

Makoto finally resolved to contact Haru when he realized he had a text message waiting for him.

A long and heavy sigh Makoto hadn’t realized he had been holding in finally escaped his lips, causing a few of his classmates to turn their heads towards him in curiosity. A gentle, genuine smile stretched across Makoto's tan features as he reveled in the fact Haru had won his individual races at an international tournament. They would definitely have to celebrate after he arrived home!

Let's see, I could try to cook him mackerel as a welcome home meal...

Just as Makoto was beginning to plan for Haru's return, he saw the light on his phone flash again.

Makoto was a little surprised Haru had texted him again before he'd had time to respond to his first message. Haru was never one for texting or using his phone. So the fact that he texted Makoto twice before even getting a response back was very out of character for him. Makoto pondered whether Haru knew that he would want to meet him at the airport when he returned to Tokyo, and figured he’d text him while the thought was on the forefront of his mind. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps it was in response to a more pressing matter…Regardless, knowing Haru, if it was something he wanted Makoto to know, he would tell him when he was ready.

For the first time since his class had started, Makoto allowed himself to relax into the back of his seat--his eyes fluttering shut as a gentle sigh of relief escaped from his lips. He reveled in excitement that in just two days, he would be reunited with his best friend. He felt a bit idiotic at how eager he was to see Haru, but he genuinely loved his best friend and enjoyed his companionship.

Now if only he could figure out how to properly cook mackerel to surprise him...

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Haru had full intentions of utilizing the 14 hour flight to finally confront the feelings he had been trying to deny and suppress for the past seven years.

Okay, so how do I know this is really how I feel? There's got to be a logical way to find out…

Haru began to contemplate different scenarios and questions to ask himself in order to gauge just how intense his feelings were.

Do I find girls attractive? Sure—but never to the point that I've felt the need or desire to pursue one.

Do I find guys attractive? Well, I wouldn't say I find them unattractive per say, but I've never felt physically drawn towards any.

Except Him.

A fierce blushed splashed across his face as the revelation of his true feelings began to consume his consciousness. It was true. He had found both sexes appealing in their own right, but at no point had he ever felt a desire to become physically involved with someone or to begin a relationship with anyone.

Except Him.

Haru mentally slapped himself for attempting to hold back these feelings for so long.

He would be lying if he said he’d been unaware and oblivious to these sentiments of affection that had been residing in the back of his heart and mind: waiting for Haru to unlock and open the box he had so carefully crafted and mended in hopes of forever locking away his intense fondness towards his best friend.

He realized now the reason he had hid them for so long was because he was afraid of ruining the most important friendship and relationship in his life. However, because he had chosen to hide, conceal, and deny these feelings for so long, they were retaliating with a fierce retribution by striking him like an emotional tsunami of revelation.

So, I've genuinely never been interested in or intrigued by any other person I've met?
No.

Is he the one person I care about most in this world?
Yes.

Is he the one person I would want by my side until the very end?
Yes.

Is telling him my feelings worth the risk of ruining the friendship I’ve spent my entire life building?

And this was the question, Haru knew, he would spend the rest of the flight trying to answer.