Work Text:
The beach was always best at night.
The water was inky black, meeting the dark indigo sky on the horizon. The beach was perfect at night because the sand cooled to a comfortable warmth. The breeze was cool enough to feel nice against the skin, combing through tousled hair, as chilly water rushed to meet his ankles.
Shuichi sighed in contentment. He sat raking his hands through the warm sand, his feet being covered in water each time a small wave pushed itself up onto the beach. He closed his eyes each time a breeze blew by and sighed when it left.
The beach was best at night because it left him alone. Sure there were a few people, but only as specks down the coast. After the sun went down, sunset watchers left. Couples who shared special moments on the docks were long gone. The families who had a beach day called back their children from the waters, and all was quiet.
Except for the sound of waves crashing softly against the sand, the wind rolling through the towels hung up to dry from the day and the quiet humming from his only company.
Shuichi opened his eyes, catching Kokichi still wading through the shallow part. Only thigh-deep without caring to roll his shorts up. He had his arms down, searching for something. Shuichi did ask a couple of minutes ago what for, but Kokichi only said it was a secret.
Whatever it was, he seemed to be enjoying himself. He wore a soft smile, still humming a song Shuichi faintly recognized. Though the name of it was lost on him. Each time he seemed to find something, he stood up, searching the clump of muddy sand in his hands, before tossing it aside and trying again.
It was a sudden idea to come to the beach. The sun was still out before the suggestion came up. Afternoon rays were pouring into Shuichi’s makeshift office. He says ‘makeshift' because he and Kokichi just moved into their first house. Most of their furniture was still wrapped up so Shuichi settled for the lone coffee table that was there when they bought the place.
Kokichi came into their empty living room and knelt down behind him. It’s hard to focus on work when your partner starts pressing kisses to the nape of your neck. Each lingering there on his skin, slowly working up to his ear before whispering ‘Spend some time with me .'
With his arms around his torso, squeezing gently, and the unmistakable smile pressed against the side of his neck, Shuichi set down his pen. It was a request too hard to deny. Kokichi was always good about that. Not about spending time with him perse, but about taking time away from the business of life. To step away from stress and schedules. To simply be able to enjoy life in the moment.
Shuichi always envied Kokichi’s ability to do that. He hardly worried about tomorrow, or the next week, he always found something fun in the now. In the present. Shuichi would like to say he’s learning how to do that. Emphasis on 'would like to'. It was hard. Just to exist without thoughts of ‘but what if’s .
It’s no mystery why Kokichi learned to love the moment. Learned to love the extra time to kiss Shuichi each morning, more slowly. To savor his company. To take in his words and stay wrapped in a hug much longer than they used to.
Ever since Kokichi was diagnosed with cancer it’s been that way.
“Aha!” Kokichi stood up, he shook at the object in his hand, bits of wet sand plopping back into the ocean. He leaned over to dip it in the water, rinsing it before turning to Shuichi. “I found one!” He glanced at the item in his hands and waded through the water back to the beach to show him.
Kokichi knelt down next to him, sand sticking to his legs as he shifted closer. Shuichi looked into his open palms. “A sand dollar?” Shuichi said, giving Kokichi a bemused look. The circular sea urchin looked dead. Dried out and soaked from the water. Shuichi chuckled. “How’d you find that in the water? They usually wash up on the beach.”
“I know,” Kokichi rubbed his thumb along the crevices to get rid of sand residue. “But I wanted to see if I could find a dead one in the water. And I did. So I can check that off my bucket list.” He placed the sand dollar in Shuichi’s hands. “You get to keep it now. No taksies backsies.”
Shuichi felt across the smooth surface of the sand dollar. His bucket list, huh? He sighed, still wearing a light smile. “Thank you.” He said, taking Kokichi’s sand-printed hand in his. “It’s pretty.”
Another breeze hit them, and Shuichi closed his eyes. Kokichi leaned his head against his shoulder and looped an arm around his. When the air became still again, Shuichi sighed. Taking Kokichi’s hand and tracing his knuckles. His company was important to him. Every day he promised to do something with Kokichi, even if it was little. Because he doesn’t know how much time he has with him.
Kokichi hummed softly, sighing as he turned his head up to Shuichi. “I can read your mind, you know.” He said softly. Pressing his cheek to his shoulder. “And you’re thinking sad things.” He ran his free hand up and down Shuichi’s forearm. It was comforting. “What’s the sad things about?”
Shuichi sighed again. The thoughts don’t weigh on him as heavily as they did many months ago. Yet the feelings still sit stagnant in his chest. Rotting until they eventually bubbled up. “You.”
“Mmm.” Kokichi kept tracing his arm, drawing shapes into his pale skin. This conversation wasn’t new. And he hates to bother Kokichi with it. Surly it troubles Kokichi much more than it troubles Shuichi. “You worry too much.”
Yes. Yes, he did. Cancer wasn’t a death sentence like too many people believe. Most cancers were treatable, perhaps not 100% cured, but a fair amount of people can still live a full life. Kokichi’s battled it before, and he’s battling it again. It was just hard to watch him struggle. Shuichi squeezed his hand. “...How are you feeling?”
Kokichi chuckled. “I’m feeling super cute.” Shuichi couldn’t help but smile. It was a sad smile, but he knows Kokichi’s trying to make him feel better. “Don’t you agree? You can’t deny it either, I bet.”
No, he could never deny it. Kokichi has gone through so many treatments, chemotherapy being one. He was wearing a beanie today, one that complemented his eyes. He had a spike in confidence today as well, his hair was growing back in again. Shuichi was glad that his 3 months of chemo were over. Which was 6 months ago.
Kokichi still rubbed his arms therapeutically. He sighed, “...I’m doing better than I was at the start of this.” He said after Shuichi hadn’t responded. “I’m feeling lucky this time around.” He laughed softly, “I don’t think it’ll come back a third time.”
Another breeze came by. Water washed up to their feet. And Shuichi wrapped an arm around him. He pressed a kiss to his temple and closed his eyes. “...as long as your feeling better,” He whispered, feeling Kokichi lean into him, his hand stopped tracing his arm, “...then I’m happy.”
The beach was the best at night. Because it was Kokichi’s favorite time of day to visit the water. Once again he hugged Kokichi tightly. Rocking him as Kokichi began to hum that song again. He took in the scent of the soaps he used in the shower, still lingering from that morning. He kissed his cheek and whispered sweet things to him because he hated to dampen the mood with his heavy thoughts.
It was then he recognized the song Kokichi whispered with a melody under his breath.
I’m lying on the moon.
My dear, I’ll be there soon.
Shuichi wished he didn’t have to worry about the man in his arms. Or how long he’ll get to have these moments.
It’s a quiet and starry place.
Times were swallowed up in space
we’re here a million miles away.
He knew Kokichi wished he had all the time in the world, not just an estimated time limit. Or a half promise he’ll live a full life span.
There’s things I wish I knew.
There’s no things I’d keep from you.
When tears came to Shuichi’s eyes, it wasn’t because he knew Kokichi might die earlier than they both wanted. Or over this illness, that he wished to God didn’t exist.
It’s a dark and shiny place.
But with you my dear,
I’m safe and we’re a million miles away.
The tears slid down his face because for once they were told he would live. The chances of him lasting just a little bit longer were more than a guess, they were almost, almost , ensured.
We’re lying on the moon.
It’s a perfect afternoon.
Your shadow follows me all day.
And even though Kokichi doesn’t like to talk about the possibility of a short future, because he never liked to step outside the present moment when it came to sour thoughts, tears dripped onto Shuichi’s shirt.
Making sure that I’m okay,
For the first time in nearly two years, they could allow themselves to believe in a little more than bittersweet acceptance. The suffocating blanket of their unavoidable separation by death was lifted. And for once, for once Shuichi breathed him in with the image of being able to do so for many, many more years.
And we’re a million miles away.