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Nico gazes out into the water, trying his best to ground himself with the sound of the lake. White sand prickles underneath his feet and hands, and a wave of cool ease falls over him, but that doesn’t stop the anxiety that trickles down his back any time he closes his eyes to blink.
All he can see is Percy’s ghostly face, screaming as his life drains from his very body.
Nico wasn’t there when Percy died in Tartarus. He knows he couldn’t even have saved him, but that doesn’t mean that he feels any better. Any time he thinks about the late demigod, grief seizes Nico’s heart like a vice. He could have done something.
When Nico came back to camp, his guilt relaxed a little. He took time to himself and prepared to take on the biggest challenge he’d ever had to take - to spend time for himself. And for a while, it worked. His mind wandered into a temporary bliss. He learned to love, to care, to be himself again.
But then the dreams started coming. Memories of Percy dying, screams of terror, the scent of hot, sour air. Terror gripped Nico at night; fear crawled down his throat and stripped him of his dignity. He could barely find the will to get up in the morning. All that he could even think about was Percy, Percy, Percy.
It’s been months, but still Nico can’t let go of him. He can’t accept his death.
The son of Hades sighs as a brush of wind strokes his face. The blue sky above blends into a pink hue, and with a sudden chill, Nico realizes that evening is approaching soon.
He doesn’t want it to be dark already. He’s not ready to face the shadows.
Nico pulls his knees to his chest and bows his head, curling himself into a ball. His body shudders as a deep, shaky breath releases from his chest, and his fingers twitch and shiver as another gust of wind blows past. Tears press against Nico’s throat and prickle in his eyes, but he tries his best not to let them fall.
He can’t fall apart. Not right now.
A soft crunching sound rumbles behind him, and in surprise, Nico twists around to meet his intruder. A golden human emerges onto the beach, gleaming like bronze under the orange sun. Nico blinks as he tries to outline the figure, but when he realizes who it is, a warm, soothing warmth overcomes his system.
“Will,” he whispers over the lapping water. “What are you doing here?”
The gleaming human points his blue gaze to Nico’s dark eyes, and for a second, Nico almost swears the world around him stops spinning. It’s only him and Will, drifting in the silence, absorbing each other’s presence.
Then Will settles down next to Nico, his arm brushing against the son of Hades’ as he does so, and he offers a shrug. “I thought maybe you’d want company.” His eyebrows arch in concern. “How are you? Are the dreams getting worse?”
Nico sighs and scrubs his hands over his face in exasperation. “Yeah,” he mutters. “It’s like… like he’s calling for me now. Like he’s asking me to come save him.”
Will winces. “What does Dionysus say about this? Does he think your dreams are… real?”
Nico turns his gaze back to the waters, eyes reflecting the sorrowful blue of the lake. “He thinks it’s definitely something that means something. Whether they’re real or not… I’m not really sure.”
“Do you think that maybe it’s Percy who’s calling you down to Tartarus?”
Nico shrugs and bites his lip, trying his best to force the tears back down. “I- I don’t know. I don’t think so. I felt his life force slip away. I don’t think he’s the one calling for me.”
Will nods solemnly, turning his own gaze out to the sea. Together, the boys stare off into the distance, allowing the chirping of birds to crack the air and letting the soft breeze of the lake whisper against their skin. Will’s hand snakes through the sand and touches Nico’s gently. After a second of hesitance, Nico allows Will to hold onto him.
“Nico,” Will murmurs, “do you think it’s possible that Percy’s showing up in your dreams because… you haven’t let go yet?”
Something hot and painful slices Nico through his core. His hands turn to ice, and his heartbeat quickens its pace. Nico’s body hums with some kind of excitement, some kind of giddiness as Will’s words trickle over him.
“I…” Nico sighs desperately, considering how to answer. “Maybe. I guess.” He groans. “I don’t know, Will! I just… I don’t know anymore.”
And, suddenly, it’s as if someone’s dropped a bomb over Nico’s feelings. His emotions burst from the dam he’s built up; his body shakes with each sob that racks through it. Tears trail over his cheeks like shimmering cracks and slip through his fingers, and he’s leaking all over, pouring his sadness and grief out into the world. His fingers tangle into his dark hair and brush against his feverish forehead, and his ears turn red and hot as each sob cracks into the open air.
“I’m losing control,” he murmurs through the tears. “I don’t know what I want from me. Why am I still thinking about him? I saw him die when I was on the Argo II. I’ve already accepted that I liked him. I’m supposed to move on, but I’m not. Why can’t I just grow from this? Why is he tying me to my past?”
Will watches Nico with apprehension, considering how to act. He’s better with physical wounds than anything; emotional pain isn’t something he can take care of. But nevertheless, his heart aches at the sight of his boyfriend so broken and deprived of his dignity.
He’s cracking.
After another beat of hesitation, Will shifts closer. His body pusles next to Nico’s, and as his arm touches the other boy’s elbow, Nico looks up. His obsidian eyes are lined with the red hue of grief, and crystal tears tear through his cheeks.
Will’s own lip trembles at the sight of Nico. He pushes his hand closer into the son of Hades’, filling any holes or gaps between them. He wants to offer Nico any warmth that he can, to give him any semblance of comfort he can muster.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be you, Nico,” he says nervously, watching his boyfriend’s expression. “But… I know it can be hard to deal with things that have hurt you. Especially when that thing is the death of a friend.” A shaky sigh slips through Will’s lips, and he turns his gaze to the waters ahead, hoping to find solace in the rhythm of the blue ripples. “When I lost Michael and Lee… I lost myself, too. I felt like two important pieces of my identity had just… left. I broke apart. I didn’t know who I was. I kept holding on to the idea of them, hoping that if I just kept them in my heart, they’d never truly have to leave.” Will sighs again as a pang of grief strikes his heart at the thought of his deceased brothers. “I kept them because I didn’t want to lose them. I thought if I let go of them… then I’d permanently recognize that they weren’t a part of my family anymore, and I never wanted to do that.”
Nico stares at Will, his eyes glassy with tears. “How did you move on?”
“I just… I took some time for myself. I decided that instead of trying to hold on, maybe it was time to finally confront my grief for what it truly was. I talked to Dionysus, I talked to my siblings, I talked to friends.” Will pauses, considering how to continue. “I think my biggest issue was that I was afraid letting them go meant I was going to pretend they never existed. But really, it just meant I wasn’t going to tie myself to them anymore. I wasn’t going to align my entire grief and personality and actions on people who were dead. It didn’t mean I was going to forget their entire existence and move on - it just meant I was going to detach myself from making all my decisions about them.”
Nico allows Will’s words to pour into his ears and drown over his heart. He turns his gaze to their interlocked fingers, and at the sight of Will’s tan skin mixed with Nico’s own olive tone, his chest blooms with a soft, comfortable warmth.
He’s not alone.
Nico takes a deep breath, waiting for the right words to fill into his mouth. “I… I had a lot of trouble with accepting Bianca’s death,” he whispers, rubbing his finger over Will’s thumb. “I kept holding on to the thought of her. I went as far as to try to bring her back to life. I guess for me it was… I was scared I was going to lose an important part of my past. I was going to lose another person who was incredibly important to me, who had been with me through everything. I was scared of that.” He sighs. “With Percy, I just don’t want to accept that he’s gone. He’s one of the best heroes of our century. Letting him go means… means he isn’t truly here anymore.” He shakes his head as another wave of tears overwhelms his chest. “I don’t want him to not be here anymore. He was such an important piece of demigod history. He’s made an impact on so many lives.”
Will’s eyebrows arch in concern once more. He slips his hand out of Nico’s and stretches an arm out tentatively, asking silent permission to hold his boyfriend. Nico stares at the tan skin of Will's arm, and after a moment’s hesitation, he lets himself indulge into the comfort of the blond’s warmth. Will falls over Nico’s shoulder, and the latter leans into the blond’s side, allowing himself to submerge under the weight of his grief.
Will’s fingers linger over Nico’s shoulder, brushing against his skin softly in an attempt to comfort him. “I know it’s hard, especially knowing your history together,” he murmurs. “It can be really difficult to let go of someone who you’ve had such a strong emotional connection to.” Will shifts his gaze to face Nico’s head-on. Sincerity bleeds into the rim of his eyes. “But you’re not going to immediately get over it. It takes a lot of time and healing. You’re not going to wake up one day and decide you’re okay. Everyone feels and heals a little differently, and that’s okay.” A soft, encouraging smile lingers over his lips. “But you’ve got me, and Dionysus, and your other friends. You don’t need to be alone in this, Nico. Not anymore.”
Nico nods, but his gaze seems faraway, reaching for something in the past. Though he’s solid and real in Will’s embrace, his soul is dissolving internally, bleeding out into the world around him and leaving him as a hollow shell.
He’s not quite existing in this moment.
Nevertheless, he accepts Will’s words. As worthless as they feel to him right now, he knows Will’s advice is helpful - he’s trying his best, and he’s right, too. Nico needs time to forgive and move on. He just needs time to grow.
He sighs and brushes a few tears from his face. Leaning his head against Will’s shoulder, he whispers, “Thanks, Will. That… means a lot.”
The water around them continues lapping and overwhelming the white border of sand in front of them. Another breeze flits by, and birds continue chirping. The world goes on moving and growing around them.
Maybe it’s time for Nico to plant his roots and grow, too.