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It was supposed to be a night to remember. It was supposed to be OUR night. The night where we were able to just be normal teens at homecoming, dancing together like normal seniors. That’s how it SHOULD’VE been. But it wasn’t.
I knew the second I slipped on the second hand dress my mother had given me that everything would go wrong. I almost dripped eyeliner on it, which my mom was sure to kill me for. I looked in the mirror, checking my pale face.
So weird looking.
My eyes popped out of my head, my red hair made me look like a carrot pulled from the ground, my resting bitch face, and most of all, my stupid chest. I’ve never had boobs before. I never wished for them, but for some reason, my B25 cup bra gave me a shuddering feeling that made me want to crawl into a hole and bury myself. What didn’t help was the fact that my dress clearly defined my chest, making me look as feminine as ever.
I stared into the mirror for what felt like a decade. What pulled me back down to earth was my mom calling me.
“Sydney! Dina’s here!” She called out.
Maybe I shouldn’t go to the dance. I look too ugly. I thought. But Dina…..
I made my way downstairs, pearls on my neck bouncing on every step. Once I was downstairs, my eyes widened. There she was- sitting on the couch, in her light pink and frilly dress. She had winged eyeliner on and a light coat of pink blush on her cheeks, her black hair curled and tied half up. A ravenous strand of red spread over my cheeks.
“Hey,” Dina sang.
“Hey Dina,” I replied. “You look, um, really nice.”
“You clean up pretty nice yourself, Novak.”
My face turned red hot. I excused myself from the room so that Dina couldn’t see the raging blush that spread on my face like chicken pox. Unfortunately, Dina followed me into the kitchen as I grabbed a cup of iced green tea from the fridge.
“You excited?” Dina asked.
“Uh, yeah! I mean, I’m kinda scared,” I sipped my tea. “Too many people in one space at one time.”
“Syd, how old are you, 3? You can do it! Don’t be scared,” She reassured me. “I’ll be there with you, and if you get overwhelmed, I’ll, um, ya know protect you.”
Just then, my mom called us out.
“Come on, just let me get one picture,” She whined.
I rolled my eyes so far in the back of my head that they probably could have gotten stuck there. “Mom, do we have to?”
“Yes, Sydney. Stop bitching,” She scolded, and then changed her tone. “Okay guys, smile!!”
Dina and I stood awkwardly next to each other, crooked smiles plastered on our faces. My mother’s Canon digital camera shuttered several times before she finally decided to cease taking pictures like Britanny Spears after her meltdown in 2007.
“Okay, thanks guys,” My mom said, setting down the camera. She walked over and she cupped her hands over my face. “I hope you have fun, Sydney.” She hugged me for what felt like forever.
“Thanks, Mom.”
---
Since I didn’t have a car, Dina and I walked to prom. It wasn’t bad, because I couldn’t afford nice high heels- I was just wearing light beige flats. Dina, on the other hand, was wearing light pink pumps that we had gotten from Plato’s Closet a few months prior. She took her shoes off.
“Ugh, my feet are killing me,” She whined. “I won’t be surprised if I have blisters tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, that’s what you get for wearing pumps when you know we have to walk,” I teased.
“Shut up, Syd,” She laughed.
We had finally made it- the light at the end of the tunnel. The school lit up the dark Pennsylvania atmosphere with its bouncing music, bring yellow and white lights, and sounds of half-drunk teenagers. Dina and I approached the building and I immediately felt ill.
“Dina, I don’t think I can do this,” I said, slightly shaking.
“Sure you can! It’ll be fun.”
“I-I-I can’t!! What if people, ya know, think-”
“Syd, you’re shaking.”
Not only that, but my breathing was completely uneven. My heart was racing and my throat had gone dry.
“Hold on, let me get you some water,” Dina said frantically, rushing into the gym to grab me a water bottle. She returned with a minute later with a Kirkland water bottle in hand and passed it to me.
“You stay out here until you calm down, okay? Take as long as you need.”
I nodded and she walked inside, leaving me with only myself and my thoughts outside on the rocky sidewalk outside of the gym.
There were maybe around 100 kids in the gym. Enough to see my disgusting body. Enough to see my idiotic face. Enough to see me with Dina. What would they say about Dina? That she was my girlfriend? That I seduced her at Brad’s party and that I was, like, a predator? I’ll turn your girlfriends into lezzies, so I’d be scared if I were you. My head was aching and I took a swig of water and a deep breath. I shut my eyes for around 3 minutes. Breathing in and out, tuning out the blaring music and the flashing nights, focusing only on my breathing and how many cars passed by me as I waited.
Thinking of Dina.
“Hey, Syd!!”
“You clean up pretty good yourself, Novak.”
“I wanna be stuck with you.”
My head stopped aching and I was ready to go inside. The lights burned my eyes and actually began to make my head hurt. I decided to sneak quickly into the nurses office and steal her Tylenol tablets. Taking 2, I walked down the hallway into the gym.
I took a deep breath.
A song by A$AP Rocky was playing, and groups of white teenage boys with a god complex heavily moshing like it was the 70’s again. The girls next to them were admiring them stupidly and swooning at every dance move. Brad was among this mosh pit of sweaty teens and I tried my very best to avoid any contact with him at all. Dina, looking tired and bored, sat leaning against the bleachers and tapping her feet to the music. I approached her.
“Hey,”
“Hey,” She sat up. “You alright?”
“Yeah, I am now,” I replied. “I think I was just, you know, overwhelmed.”
“I get that,” She grabbed my hand. “Come on, lets go.”
She lead me to the dance floor, and I melted away in all of the chaos of homecoming.
The next couple of minutes were a blur. Dancing with Dina like dorks, drinking possibly alcohol laced punch, laughing at all of the stupid couples who were making out in the corners of the gym as teachers and chaperones yelled at them to, and I quote, “Stop sucking face under the bleachers, you’re not vacuums.”
I was actually enjoying myself. Something I didn’t expect to happen at such a big gathering of people my age. It was probably only because Dina was there with me, because Dina always made me feel safe. But, either way, I was having fun.
Dina excused herself to go to the bathroom and to get some fresh air for a minute, leaving me alone sitting on the bleachers. That’s when Stan approached me.
“Hi, stranger,” He teased.
“Stan! Hi. You look good.”
“Same with you,” He sat down next to me. “Who are you with?”
“Dina,” I said. “She’s in the bathroom.”
“You came as a couple?”
My face turned bright red. “What?!! No!! Just as friends! Ya know, because we really didn’t have anyone to go with. I mean, SHE asked ME to go with her.”
“Oh.”
It was quiet for a while. Just Stan and I staring off into the distance at the kids dancing to pop music.
“Sucks that they won’t play Bloodwitch,” Stan sighed. “I slipped the DJ my mixtape.”
“Come on, Stan. Do you really think they’re gonna play Bloodwitch for a bunch of sweaty, cologne drenched Instagram boys?”
“Hmm. I guess not. They can enjoy their Lil Peep and Playboi Carti.”
We both laughed out loud, barely able to breathe. We looked insane- Just two loners in a school filled with copy and paste students. We were so similar it was scary. Stan and I sat catching our breath from laughing so hard. He ran his fingers through his hair.
“Syd, I gotta let you know that I really like you.”
Well, that came out of nowhere. It’s not like I didn’t know that. He was the first person I had sex with! The first person that kinda sorta had slight feelings for me and cared about me. Who saw me for me. But I just, couldn’t like like some one like him.
Someone like him. Hmm.
“I really like you too, Stan,” I replied, sadly. “Just, not in that way.”
He sighed lightly.
“Oh, um, okay,” He sat up. “I gotta go, Syd.”
I didn’t say anything to him. I just felt like shit.
---
Dina came back directly after Stan left, which changed my mood. The atmosphere had chilled down, partially because almost everyone in the room was either drunk or on the verge of drunkenness. They had stopped playing shitty pop music and had turned on some slower music so that couples could slow dance. We sat staring at everyone dancing together when Dina finally broke our silence.
“Wanna dance?’
My face flushed dark red.
“Oh! Uh, y-y-yeah, sure,”
She grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor.
“Here, put your hand on my waist, and I’ll put my hands… right here.”
I’d never slow danced with anyone before. And definitely not with a girl, but I’m pretty sure it felt right to do it with one. We stood there in the middle of the dance floor, slowly swaying and staring into each other’s eyes.
“So, about, (she cleared her throat) the party. That kiss,” She trailed off. “What was that about?”
“Oh, right, that. Sorry.”
“It’s just that, ever since that night, I’ve been thinking about it,” Her face flushed as she collected her words. “And that, um, I didn’t not like it.”
“Oh,” I smiled. My face was still. Our faces were slowly drifting towards each other, as if we were going to lock lips right in the middle of the dance floor, on display for everyone to see.
But we didn’t. Because the homecoming queen was announced. I didn’t expect to win. I expected Dina to win, she seemed qualified. Instead, it was some dumb barbie bitch with her pasta headed football player boyfriend as king. Dina and I laughed to ourselves.
That’s when the unimaginable happened. Brad waltzed up on the stage in a drunken friendzy, clearly angry.
“Give me a second, GIVE ME A SECOND!” He said, shoving the principal and clutching the microphone.
My legs turned to jelly as Dina and I broke away from our dancing positions. I could tell this wouldn’t be good, or obviously, not about me.
“I would like to take this moment to talk about something very important, that effects everyone here,” Brad said, glaring straight at me. “Sydney Novak.”
Everyone around me was turned around, staring at me with their malicious and terrifying eyes. I couldn’t breathe. My face was bright red and burning hot, and my throat clenched tightly. In that moment, Brad did something almost unimaginable- something that haunted my nightmares and sent me into a frenzy every time I thought about it.
“You see, what a lot of people don’t know about Sydney, here, is that she is one hell of a writer.”
Brad had my journal in his hand. MY JOURNAL. The one I write in all the time. The one with the stupid little cat with a fish tail and my secrets in between each cover and binded together by the spine. I almost knew exactly what he was about to do, like it was scripted. Dina turned to me and gave me a confused look.
“You know, it’s funny,” Brad said, jumping down from the stage. “Everyone is so fast to call ME an asshole, but while I was downstairs banging Jenny Tutfield at Ricky’s, guess what Sydney was doing upstairs?”
My stomach churned. Red hot tears were forming in my eyes as I waited for the worst of it to come.
“She was kissing my girlfriend,” Everyone around us gasped in shock. “Now don’t get me wrong, chicks get drunk sometimes, and they make out sometimes, and, I’ m all for it!”
What Brad said next was something that permanently rings in my ears, carving my eardrums with its disgusting rhetoric.
“But, being a full on dyke,” Brad spewed from his mouth like acid. “That’s a whole nother ball game.”
He picked up my journal and flipped through the pages.
“I mean, Syd is fucking in love with Dina. Page after page, it’s so pathetic-”
“Oh shut up Brad!” Dina yelled.
He continued:
“And my god, don’t get me STARTED on the daddy issues with this one. Everyone in her life thinks that she’s a piece of SHIT. And I mean everyone!”
Someone I didn’t notice at all during this outburst until now- Stan- looked so pissed off that he was ready to burst. I could tell he meant to absolutely rock the shit out of Brad.
“Hey, man, leaver her alone!”
But Stan didn’t rock the shit out of Brad. Quite the opposite. Brad socked Stan right in the left cheek, sending him falling to the floor. People around us gasped again. I was in a total state of shock- I couldn’t even process what just happened to Stan. All I could think of was myself- how shitty and awful I was. How disgusting and diluted I was. I hated myself so much.
“But that’s not even the weirdest thing about Sydney,” Brad paused, pacing towards me. Shut up.
Shut up, just shut up.
“Get this! Sydney claims, that she has……..”
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAD! SHUT UP! DIE!
My brain was going 75 miles an hour, trying to process how to get out of what Brad was about to say. I knew what he was going to say. He would ruin me. He would send me to my demise. I did one thing thought. One thing that I show no regret for.
Just as Brad was finishing his sentence, his brains and blood were covering the front of my dress.
---
My face was painted with Brad’s blood. I didn’t feel bad, though. Dina’s face was also painted with Brad’s blood, especially because she was next to me in front of Brad during his speech. I stood there in awe staring at Brad’s dead corpse, the one I defiled with my head. At that point, I was honoring what I had done. I felt powerful. Until it hit me.
I murdered Brad.
Oh my god. I murdered Brad. I looked next to me, looking for Dina, but she was no where to be seen. Ambulances and cop cars were swarming around the gym, and I realized that I could no longer be there in the gym, because I was subject to murder charges.
So I ran.
I practically slipped on Brad’s blood on my way out. I ran out of the gym, through the crowds of people, pushing their sweaty and panicked bodies away so I could leave. I turned around the corner of the school towards the back and decided where to go. Sirens roared behind me as I ran down the dark and wet streets, pearls bouncing just as they had when I walked down the steps before leaving for homecoming.
I was angry. Not at Brad, not at Dina, not everyone in the gym, not the teachers, and not even my mom. Just at myself. I hated myself. Not just the way I looked, but how I felt inside. It hurt how much I hated myself, the scratching and weighing feeling that my anger and awkwardness got the best of me throughout the years. I never fought back with that anger with Brad, or any of the other meatheads at school. I saved all of the anger for my mother. I couldn’t defend myself from people, except from my mom.
On the outside, I was a girl. I didn’t feel like a girl. I didn’t feel like a boy, either. It was weird. Was it? I wasn’t sure. I remember when I cut my hair in freshman year- staring at my shoulder length hair, my B cup breasts, my dark red lips, my feminine hips, I hated it. I hated it all. I have never grown my hair passed my ears ever again, it hurts too much. I wanted to cut myself away from the net of male and female. I wanted to just be Syd. Sydney Novak.
I didn’t know how long I was running for but I knew where I was going. The treehouse. It almost illuminated in the distance as I approached it. I got to the top of the tower, sat on the floor, leaned my head against the railing, and cried. I wrapped my arms around my midsection, squeezing the sides of my hips and stomach. Light red tinted tears rolled down my face and partially on my lips, tasting like salt and copper (from Brad’s blood). I just sat there, crying, sobbing, wailing, trying not to scream.
I immediately stopped when I heard The crackling of sticks from outside of the treehouse. I knew it was the cops. It just had to be. I was afraid to comply with them, but I knew I had to. It was the only way. I lifted up my arms as I stood up and faced towards the footsteps.
“O-okay. Th-th-they’re up. Please, j-j-just don’t h-h-hurt me,” I sputtered.
But it wasn’t the cops. It was Dina.
“Hands in the air, Novak,” She giggled. How could she be laughing?
“Dina.”
Dina looked down on her dress and arms, pointing at the stains.
“You do this?” She said, smirking at at me. I nodded.
“I figured. I’m so sorry, Syd. I didn’t expect that to happen at all.”
“It’s not your fault, Dina. Seriously,” I reassured her. “I just didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I could do. Blow his head up.”
Dina crossed from the steps all the way over the bench on the railing where I had sobbed before. She pat the area next to her, inviting me to sit beside her.
“Brad was an asshole,” She sighed. “He got what he deserved.”
“Dina.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared.”
She whipped her head around to look at me.
“Why?”
“The cops are gonna find me.”
Dina leaned her head back.
“No they’re not,” She said. “There’s no way they could tell. They’ll probably say it was a gunshot wound.”
“Yeah, but how could a gunshot wound explode someone’s head like that?”
“Syd, the worst thing that could happen to you if they interview you would be to send you to the looney bin. I mean, explaining that you blew up Brad’s head with your mind? That’s ridiculous. Better to just say you don’t know what happened.”
I guess she was right. Telling the cops I used telekinesis to explode Brad’s head would definitely get me a first class ticket to a psych ward or a hospital for the criminally insane. Thinking about it drove me to tears.
“Dina, I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed. “I’m so scared. I don’t want to get locked up.”
Dina put her arms round me, holding me in the crook of her neck as I sobbed.
“I know, Syd. But, hey! You’re with me right now! And I’m gonna help you with all this fucked up shit, okay? I swear,” She reassured me. “Hey.”
She cupped her hands onto my face.
“It’s gonna be okay, Syd.”
I giggled a bit. Being in Dina’s arms made me feel so much better than I had before. Like I was being loved. Dina’s fingers were in my hair, slowly massaging my head, making me calmer than ever. It was the best feeling I think i’ve ever felt.
“I gotta admit, blowing up Brad’s head felt really good,” I said quietly. “ It was really funny.”
“SYDNEY!!!” Dina laughed.
We both broke out into laughter. Leading our heads on each other’s shoulders, punching each other lightly. It was almost hard to breathe. After we collected ourselves, Dina stood up and reached out a hand towards me.
“Let’s dance,” She invited. “You know, since we didn’t get to last time.”
I smiled an joined her. I grabbed her waist, and she put her hands around my neck. She pulled me in closer than I had been before, so I was practically shoved into her chest (my face was steaming hot). Caked blood covered both of our faces, but we danced there in silence, no music, just swaying back and forth in each other’s arms.
“Um, Dina?”
“Yeah?”
“About the kiss,” I said, hesitantly. “What did you mean when you said you didn’t not like it?”
I could feel her face heat up on from the side of my face.
“Oh, yeah,” She paused for a moment.
“Syd, I didn’t just not like it. I really REALLY liked it. Like, a lot. But in the moment, I felt bad about it. Like it was weird. And not because it was with you!! I mean, I wouldn’t have wanted it with anyone else but you.”
I lifted my head up to look at her. She had a small crooked smile plastered on her face, awkwardly looking into the trees and not at me.
“It was, um, the first time I ever kissed a girl.”
“Oh.”
“And, I wanted to do it again. At the dance, but,” She explained. “Oh! Um, nevermind.”
I cupped her face into my hands. She did the same with me. Pulling each other’s heads together, foreheads touching, we kissed. It was a small, delicate kiss. Once we pulled away, I wanted to do it again. So I did.
I locked lips with Dina again, more fierce and hungry this time. She tasted so good. Like fruit- strawberries, mangoes, (probably her lip gloss), and I wanted the moment to last forever. We broke away momentarily to catch our breaths.
“Wanna go over to my house?” I asked, panting.
“Yeah, I would actually rather enjoy that,” She said in a silly voice. “Especially because I’m covered in Brad’s insides. Thanks, Novak.”
I blushed at this small teasing comment.
“Come on, let’s go,” I said, grabbing her hand and we walked to my house, trying to avoid anyone who was outside.
Once we got relatively close to the house, I made sure to go in through the back, because my mom was still up, watching Oprah in her room. Hopefully she would have been asleep by then. Dina and I snuck like children upstairs, grabbing two towels each to get the blood off of our bodies.
“Wanna go first?” I asked once we got to my room.
“Oh, so we’re not going together?”
I nearly passed out. I knew she was kidding, but, still, my ears were filled with hot blood directly after she asked.
“Oh! Um, well, I um…”
“Syd, I was kidding.”
“Oh! Yeah. Just go, shower. Shut up !!” Dina was snickering at my flustered appearance.
She returned back into the room and I then hopped into the shower. I felt so good after getting out, being able to wash off everything that had just happened over the night. Just letting it wash away, down the drain. I came back into the room after I finished to find Dina on her phone, with one of my flannels and my red shorts on.
“Sorry, I didn’t bring a change of clothes.”
“No, it’s fine,” I sat down next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. She smelled of mint and lemons. “Whatcha doin?”
“Checking Twitter.”
“Am I trending yet?” I joked.
“HA! Not quite, Syd. People are making stupid theories that there was a gunman at homecoming, so you should be good. They’re just trying to figure out who it was.” She set her phone down and clicked it shut.
“Oh. Dina? I’m really glad that you’re, uh,” I stammered. “*cough* here with me right n-now.”
Dina cupped her hands over my face. “Me too.”
Our faces leaned into each other, forcing our lips closer together until they touched. There was the sweet taste again. Dina’s fingers were in my hair, slowly caressing my hair. I put my arms around Dina’s neck so I could get closer to her and hopefully get a bit more intimate. She took the invitation.
Lips moving around each other’s, tongues in mouth, hands in hair, and small kisses on the neck. This was what was happening. It felt so real, so right.
“Is it okay if I do this?” Dina asked, reaching behind the back of my shirt. “I just wanna rub your back a bit.”
“Okay, sure.”
Her hands were now on my back, moving back and forth. They moved a bit towards my hips, which I wasn’t prepared for but I obviously liked it a lot. I continued to kiss her, moving to her neck and starting to feel on her shoulders.
“I can do this, right?” I asked.
She nodded in response and took my hands, placing them on her shoulders. She pushed down on my hands so that the flannel broke away from her shoulders, slipping down to reveal only her bra. I was super flushed.
“Dina!” I said, blushing and breaking away for a second.
“What?! Did I hurt you? Are you uncomfortable?” She asked with great concern.
“N-no,” I said. “ I just didn’t know if you wanted to go this fast.”
“I’m game if you’re game, Novak.”
We resumed. I took off the flannel and it landed on the floor. Dina tapped on my clothed shoulder as a way to ask if she could remove my shirt. “Yeah, go ahead, D” was my response. After my shirt was off, Dina pushed me onto the bed, deeply kissing me and caressing the sides of my hips. My hands were vigorously in her hair, pushing through her curls as she did the same in my hair. Her lips trailed down to my neck and shoulders- deeply kissing them until there were small reddish-purple bruises on them. I put my hands roughly in her hair- feeling every curl, every strand like a note in a symphony.
Tongues in each other’s beautiful mouths, we panted breathlessly, roughly moving around to get every last drop of satisfaction we could. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. Everything about her made me go crazy. Her dark hair, her almond colored skin, the small scar on her shoulder from when she slipped on her wet floor when she was 7. Every problem was a solution, every touch solved the problem.
Panting, Dina and I broke away from our long and passionate kiss.
“You’re pretty good in bed there, Novak,” She teased. “We should do this more often.”
My face turned a dark red (even more red than it already was). “DINA!!!”
“I’m teasing you!”
“I-I know,” I stammered. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever been with. The second person I’ve been in, um, ya know….”
“You’re my first girl too.”
I felt less alone. Dina pulled me into her, wrapping her arms around my waist. Even after sweating buckets, she smelled amazing. I inhaled her smell deeply, making sure that I captured every moment with her. Dina had her hands in my hair, petting it as if I were a cat.
“I’m glad we did this, Syd,” Dina whispered. “I always thought you were kinda cute, but I felt ashamed in myself for feeling that way.”
“Hmm?”
“Like, I always liked you. Brad didn’t really satisfy me that much and always manipulated me. But you- you stuck with me. You stayed with me even when you didn’t want to,” She paused. “And I’m sorry for everything I did to you.”
“Dina, I’m not mad at you,” I looked up at her, cupping my hands in her warm face. “I just wanted to be with you. You were with Brad, and all I wanted was to do what we did now.”
Dina looked down at me. She cracked a small smile, starting to giggle.
“What?”
“You really wanted us to screw that bad?”
My face flushed. I wanted to collect words but it was too hard- they wouldn’t come out.
“I- I.. Um.. well-”
“Cat got your tongue, Novak? Or did I accidentally bite it off earlier?”
“You little-” I said, giving her a light punch on the arm. “Fuck you!!”
Laughing like there was no tomorrow, Dina gave me a small hug, bringing me into her chest. I buried my red hot face in it, pouting. We sat there in the dark, tired eyed and in silence. Dina continued stroking my hair and I did the same for her. This was all I wanted. To be with her, in her arms, feeling her next to me and in the dark and only thinking about her and me. Me and her.
I dozed off in her arms around 2 A.M and woke up at 10:30. Dina had my blue sweater on and her hand on mine as she read my copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.
“Morning,” She said, taking her eyes off of the book.
“Oh, morning,” I said sleepily.
“You sleep okay?”
I nodded. It was a bit cold out, but still sunny. The sun casted down on my pale skin, giving me warmth in the cool air. I reached for a sweater on the floor and pulled it on.
At that moment I just stared at Dina. So beautiful. I thought. She looked like an angel- sitting there while skimming the book. I felt a ping in my heart. My dream of being with her was complete, and all I wanted was to stay by her side forever. Maybe we won’t be together forever, but in that moment I knew that it could maybe be possible. That maybe 15 years later, we’d just be two slow dancers in a dimly lit room, dancing and holding each other to jazz music in the dead of night.