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There was an anticipatory air on the bridge as the crew waited impatiently for Neelix's arrival. For the first time since they had hijacked the Hirogen relay many months before, Voyager was anticipating letters from home, thanks to Reg Barclay's tireless work with the Pathfinder project.
Kathryn Janeway glanced at her first officer and, sensing her gaze, he looked back at her. Though he smiled, she detected unease in his dark eyes and in the tense lines around his mouth. Like many others of her crew, Chakotay had received bad news the first time around -- his had probably been the most shattering news of all. His friend Sveta's account of the annihilation of the Maquis had devastated not only Chakotay, but all of Voyager. It was understandable that he felt apprehensive about what this mail call might bring.
She smiled reassuringly at him, and the worried lines of his face softened as he smiled back, a genuine smile this time. He held her gaze for a heated moment before breaking away to return his attention to the console between them, where he was overseeing the retrieval of Starfleet data from the datastream.
Alpha shift dragged on, and Kathryn smiled slightly as she heard the shifting and quiet coughing that told her that her people were getting restless. This crew could stare down the Borg unflinchingly, but face them with the prospect of letters from family and friends and they couldn't sit still. Now that she thought of it, she was having trouble resisting the urge to pace in front of her chair.
Halfway through the shift, the turbolift doors slid open, and everyone on the bridge turned toward them. Neelix stepped out, a stack of padds held carefully in both hands, and there was an audible sigh of relief from the bridge crew. Kathryn and Chakotay both stood as he moved onto the bridge.
"Seven and her team are still separating the letters from the datastream, but I thought I'd bring the first batch up," he said with a smile. He began to make the rounds of the bridge, handing a padd to Tuvok, and then one to Harry. He gave one to Mike Ayala, and passed one to Crewman Robinson, who was manning the engineering station. He stopped before the command team, glancing at Kathryn apologetically before handing the last padd to Chakotay.
Kathryn's heart sank, but she tried to tell herself that her letter was probably still in Astrometrics. Rather than dwelling on it, she watched Chakotay. He glanced up at her, and she could see a brief flash of something like fear in his eyes before he lowered his gaze to the padd, activating it with a quick motion of his thumb. Her heart leapt into her throat as his eyes widened and the color drained from his face. He stared unblinking at the padd for several moments, and Kathryn's worry escalated.
"Chakotay?" she asked softly, and his gaze snapped to her face. She was astonished to see that his eyes were bright with unshed tears.
"Permission to be briefly excused, Captain?" he asked softly, but in the quiet of the bridge, everyone could hear the question and the slight tremor in the voice that asked it.
"Of course," she answered without hesitation. "Use the ready room if you'd like, and take as long as you need."
He hastily left the bridge for her office, padd clutched tightly in one hand, and she looked briefly around at the rest of the bridge crew, noticing that everyone's attention was focused on her.
"If anyone else would like to read their letter in private, you're welcome to use the briefing room," she added, but nobody moved. Her gaze fell again on the closed ready room doors, and she stared at them until movement at her side made her glance at Neelix, surprised to see him still standing there.
"Thank you, Neelix. I'm sure there are either crewmembers eagerly awaiting mail," she said with a forced smile.
"You're welcome, Captain," he answered, with a worried glance in the direction of her office. He looked back at her, and she tried to smile reassuringly at him. He moved toward the turbolift as the bridge crew gave him a chorus of thanks, and then he was gone and the bridge was quiet once again. Movement in Kathryn's peripheral vision once more made her turn her head, and she found herself staring at Tom Paris, whose expression clearly said, Oh God, what now? Though she didn't answer him, her own mind was screaming, Just how much can one man take?
Ten minutes or so passed, and she couldn't take it anymore. Though she'd told Chakotay to take as long as he needed, she had to at least check on him. It wasn't as if anything on the bridge needed her attention; she and Tom were staring at each other and everyone else was reading -- or already rereading -- a letter. She rose and moved toward the ready room.
"Tuvok, you have the bridge."
He looked up from his console, where he had carefully placed his padd in such a fashion that he could read it and still keep an eye on his board. "Aye, Captain."
She stopped at the door of her office, suddenly unsure of herself. She didn't want to just barge in on him, so -- feeling self-conscious -- she rang for entry to her own ready room. The doors slid open immediately, and she stepped inside, moving forward just far enough to be out of range of the sensors, allowing the doors to shut behind her.
Chakotay was standing before the viewport, staring out into space. His hands were clasped loosely behind his back, still holding the padd, but his relaxed stance was completely at odds with his square shoulders and ramrod-straight back.
"Chakotay?" she ventured quietly, and when he didn't turn, she went on quickly. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude... I just wanted to make sure you were all right. If you'd rather be alone, I understand." When he still didn't answer, she sighed and began to turn back towards the doors. He turned suddenly, and the movement kept her from leaving.
Stepping a few paces closer, she studied his face. Though his eyes and cheeks were dry now, she could see that he'd been crying. She frowned, unsure of what she could say, and suddenly, his face lit up in a blinding smile, even as another tear broke free and slid down his cheek. Kathryn was astonished.
"It's from Taima," he said shakily, and when she just looked at him, uncomprehending, he said, "The letter. It's from my sister. It's from Taima," he repeated.
She stared at him, worried. He'd told her before that his younger sister was dead, had been killed in the Cardassian attack on Trebus. Suddenly, his meaning hit her, and her mouth fell open. Rushing toward him, she reached out a hand, unsure of quite what she would do when she got to him.
"Oh, Chakotay!" she breathed, yelping as he ignored her outstretched hand, picked her up in a bear hug, and swung her around. He laughed joyously, a sound she'd never heard from him before, and it made her laugh just as loudly.
"My sister's alive!" he exclaimed, and then he stopped, putting Kathryn down just as suddenly as he'd picked her up. He stepped quickly back from her; his face was flushed and his eyes were huge, as if he couldn't believe what he'd just done. "I'm sorry, Captain -- "
"Don't be," she said, placing her hand on his chest. She laughed. "I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes. Oh, Chakotay, I'm so happy for you! That's wonderful news -- " She stopped. Considering his family's history and circumstances, it might not be. "It is wonderful news, isn't it?"
When he nodded, she sank gratefully onto the sofa, patting the space beside her. With a grin, he sat down as well.
"I can see why you were a bit overwhelmed on the bridge. Tell me?" she asked, and he nodded, looking down at his letter again.
"She's on Trebus, helping with the rebuilding. My family sent her and some younger cousins of mine offworld several weeks before the final attack, but there was no record of it. When I did a little investigating later on, there was no way to identify any of the dead, so I just assumed..." Chakotay's voice trailed off, suddenly grim.
"And your sister? How is she?" she asked quickly, determined to keep his train of thought on a more pleasant track. He smiled, shaken out of the dark memories.
"She's doing well... I don't remember if I told you that she wanted to be an engineer?" he asked with a lift of his eyebrow, and when Kathryn shook her head, he grinned. "She's a civil engineer now, planning the road and irrigation systems of the city that's being rebuilt on the site of the village where I was born."
"It sounds like she's making a good life for herself."
"She says it's a hard life at times right now, but they have a clear goal in mind, and the work is very rewarding," he replied, grinning wryly at her. "Sounds kinda familiar, don't you think?"
She laughed. "Yes, very familiar."
"She's married -- my little sister is married!" he marveled, and Kathryn grinned; she'd had the same reaction two years previous, to the news of Phoebe's marriage. "He's a professor of geology from a private university on Earth. They have a son. He's two months old," he finished softly.
His eyes were sad, and she was perplexed until she remembered the importance of an uncle in the life of a child of Chakotay's people. She placed a hand over his and squeezed gently.
"I'll get you home to your nephew, Chakotay."
He smiled at her. "I know you will, Kathryn. I have no doubt of that," he answered, and the conviction in his voice robbed her briefly of speech.
"In the meantime," she said eventually, "You can send him monthly uncle updates."
He chuckled, as she'd hoped he would. "Yes," he said, "I guess I can at that."
She grinned, glancing at the chronometer. "We've got a senior staff meeting in a few minutes. Will you tell them your news? They're pretty worried about you."
He nodded. "I'll probably have a pretty tough time not telling people this news," he said with a laugh. Then, he grew serious. "Dinner tonight, Kathryn? A celebration! I plan to serve you my sister's favorite food." When she agreed instantly, he chuckled and added, "And then you can tell me all about your letter."
Her face fell. "I didn't get one."
"You will," he said firmly, and she smiled gratefully at him as she stood and gestured toward the bridge.
=/\= =/\= =/\=
Chakotay looked up from lighting the candles when his door chime rang. He called for entry and Kathryn stepped in, looking refreshed and happier than he'd seen her in a while, and he was glad. She'd got good news then. His lips quirked automatically into a smile.
"Hello," he said warmly, retrieving the pot and placing it on the table. "You're just in time. Dinner's ready."
"It smells delicious. What is it?"
"Rabbit stew," he said promptly, unable to hold in his laughter when she stared at him in shock. "Without the rabbit."
Her expression didn't waver. "What's left?" she asked eventually.
"Potatoes, corn, carrots, spices... a bunch of other vegetables..."
"Sounds like vegetable soup to me," she said skeptically. He chuckled again.
"That's essentially what it is. Taima was willful and stubborn -- "
"Family trait, then?"
He glared at her, and then laughed, unable to resist her crooked smile as she looked slyly at him. "So," he said pointedly, "she wouldn't call it anything but stew. She and I both refused to eat meat, so my mother would make us stew without the meat, much to my father's dismay. He told her she was spoiling us. She told him it was either that or have his children go hungry."
Kathryn was staring at him with a speculative look in her eye and he was intrigued. "What?" he asked finally. She laughed.
"Just imagining you as a little boy with your arms crossed and your lip stuck out. It's a cute picture."
Chakotay rolled his eyes. "My father didn't think so. Anyway," he said, lifting a spoonful of soup to her mouth. "Try it and tell me what you think."
Her eyes were locked on his face as she blew on the soup to cool it, and Chakotay had to struggle not to show the sizable jolt of arousal that ran through him at the gesture. She sipped at the soup, and her face lit up.
"Mmm! It's very good, Chakotay! Better than plain old vegetable soup; I have to agree with your sister on that one!"
He smiled as he ladled them each out a bowl of soup and poured glasses of wine for them both, and he was touched when she raised her glass and said solemnly, "To Taima." His voice had gone so shaky that he could barely finish the toast.
They ate in silence for a while, but he was covertly watching the emotions flicker across her face. Finally, he said, "So do I get to hear what was in your letter?"
Unsuccessfully trying to keep a straight face, she demanded, "How do you know I got one?"
"Come on, Kathryn, of course you got one! You'd be pouting if you hadn't," he said with a grin, and her mouth fell open.
"I do not pout!"
"Of course you don't, Captain," he agreed quickly, ducking as she threw her napkin at him. She glared at him, and he smiled back, entirely unaffected. "Well? Spill it! I told you mine!"
"Chakotay, you told everybody yours!"
He closed his eyes, the shock of finding out about his sister washing over him again. "Can you blame me?"
Her smile was warm. "No. No, I don't blame you at all. I'm so happy for you. My news isn't quite as astounding as yours, I'm afraid."
"Still good, I hope."
"I'm an aunt. Phoebe had a daughter, named her Kathryn, poor thing."
"That's wonderful. And Kathryn is a beautiful name."
She blushed, surprised by the uncharacteristically direct compliment. "She's just about five weeks old."
"Only a few weeks younger than Ciqala. Taima's son," he clarified, and she nodded and then laughed. "What?"
"Maybe we should betroth them. Isn't that what the heads of ruling houses used to do? That way we ensure a long reign of peace on Voyager."
Chakotay laughed. "Perhaps. But I think our sisters would have to agree to that, and besides, I don't think we need to marry our kin off to each other to ensure peace on this ship. We seem to be doing fine on our own."
His laughter trailed off, but he did his best to hide the quick pang her suggestion had caused. When he'd thought about marriage between their families, he sure hadn't imagined his nephew and her niece as the participants.
"Speaking of marriage," she said, and he looked at her strangely. She realized how that must have sounded, and she hastened to continue. "My... my mother's remarried."
"That's good," he said, and then, noticing the uncertain expression on her face, he added, "Isn't it?"
She looked down, toying with her spoon. "It... I'm happy that she's happy. It's just... he's not my father, Chakotay."
He looked puzzled. "No... and no one's saying that he is... are they?" When she shook her head, he said, "He's your mother's husband, not your father, but that doesn't make him any less... are you worried that your father would disapprove? Wouldn't he want your mother to be happy?"
She sighed. "No, it's not that. It's... I guess I'm just being childish."
He hesitantly reached across the table to take her hand. "You're not being childish. Just give it time, Kathryn."
She laughed shakily. "My mother is married again, and my sister has a child. Meanwhile, I -- " She stopped herself just in time, before she could voice the thought. It wasn't true that she had nothing. She had a family that loved her, even if they were currently very far away. She had a ship that never let her down and a crew that respected her, and she had good friends. She looked up to see Chakotay staring sympathetically at her as he gently squeezed her hand, and she was very, very glad she'd stopped herself from saying that. She had the friendship of this remarkable man, and it would have hurt him deeply to hear her say she had nothing.
Though she hadn't finished her thought, he could see the sadness in her eyes. His own quiet longing, awakened by the news of his nephew's birth, grew with her unhappiness.
"You have plenty of time, Kathryn," he said softly. She stared into his eyes, a sad smile on her face.
"Do I? Who knows... you know, it's funny. I never really wanted children before, wasn't even all that big on marriage." She smiled wryly, looking down again, tracing invisible patterns into the tablecloth with her fingertip. "If I had been, I would have married Mark long before Voyager got lost out here. All I wanted was to be among the stars... and now that I am, I just want to be home so I can set down roots. Do you ever think about having children, Chakotay?"
She looked up suddenly, and Chakotay was stunned into immobility. He closed his eyes, pushing away the dreamlike images that surfaced before him, images he was all too familiar with. He was bewildered; how had the conversation gotten to this point?
"Yes," he whispered. "I... yes, all the time. Dreams... I see them all the time."
"Tell me about them?" she asked. She was lonely and vulnerable, and she longed for Chakotay to tell her a story, to have his beautiful voice wrap words around her like a warm quilt. It didn't dawn on her how incredibly personal her request was until she felt Chakotay stiffen and drop her hand. She looked up at him, surprised; his face was pale and drawn, and he wouldn't meet her eyes.
Chakotay couldn't believe this. She wanted him to tell her a story, of all things, about the secrets he held closest to his heart. He abruptly pushed his chair back from the table.
"You don't want to hear about them, Kathryn," he said flatly, his voice a warning tone. She was watching him, her eyes huge but unreadable, and he couldn't take it. He stood and stalked to the viewport, staring out at the stars and begging her with every way but his words to drop the subject.
Kathryn stared after him, stunned. This was about more than her simply pushing farther than a friend should push. Chakotay was truly fearful of something; she'd seen it in his eyes during the brief moment her gaze had caught his. Standing and crossing the room, she stopped slightly behind him. Reaching out a hand, she placed it on his shoulder, astonished at how tense he was.
"Chakotay?"
"Please," he said, but he stopped there, and she could hear him swallow. "Please don't ask me to bring them forth for your disapproval, Captain." Her breath caught in her throat at the entreaty hidden in the formality of his words, but before she could reply, he added in a whisper, "They're all I have."
Kathryn blinked several times to dispel the tears that had blurred her vision. If Chakotay had knelt on the bridge in the middle of alpha shift and declared his undying love to her, it would not have astonished her nearly as much as the simple plea she'd just heard.
"I wasn't -- " She heard how raspy her voice was and stopped, clearing her throat. "I wasn't aware that there was anything in your dreams any longer that you thought might meet with disapproval from me."
"My dreams haven't changed, Kathryn. They've been the same for years now."
She sank down onto the sofa, mind in turmoil. Chakotay contemplated the stars for a moment longer, finally registering the stillness of the room. He glanced down, eyes widening when he saw Kathryn sitting rigidly, tears spilling down her flushed cheeks. He dropped to his knees beside her.
"Kathryn? What is it? I... Please don't cry. Tell me what's wrong, please."
He tentatively placed a hand on her arm, trying to bring her back from whatever she was staring at. To his surprise, she grabbed at his hand and then practically crawled up it and into his arms. Her hands clutched his shoulders and her face was buried in his neck. Her words were muffled by her crying and his shirt, and he strained to make them out.
"I... thought... you weren't... didn't... friends," she sobbed out. Confused, he gathered her into his arms, leaning back against the couch.
"We are friends, Kathryn. Best friends -- " he murmured, stopping when she shook her head violently. "We aren't?" He stroked her hair, alarmed at this meltdown, trying to figure out what was behind it.
"Thought... you... just friends."
Her meaning hit him like a thunderbolt. He tilted her chin up with a finger. "Kathryn? Are you saying..."
They stared at each other, neither one moving, each afraid to say anything for fear they'd misinterpreted the situation. Kathryn's breath was hitching as she tried to control her tears; Chakotay, by contrast, wasn't breathing at all. She looked away, unable to hold his gaze while she spoke.
"I love you, Chakotay," she murmured, and his indrawn breath rushed out, nearly a sob. "I... I thought you'd... thought that I'd waited too long... lost you."
Chakotay's head was suddenly too heavy to hold up. He rested it on hers, closing his eyes, afraid to open them again. Afraid that he'd open them to find Q mocking him, or the Doctor standing over him, telling him he'd been hallucinating. He held her close to him, breathing in her soft perfume, the scent of her shampoo, feeling her silky hair against his cheek, her tears drying on his skin, proof that she was real, that this was real.
"Chakotay?"
Her voice was trembling, and it was the fear he heard that snapped him out of it. He couldn't let her remain afraid. And definitely not over this. He shifted her in his arms so that he could gaze into her eyes.
"You were wrong. I love you, Kathryn. With everything in me. You wanted to know about the children I dream of? They're yours. Ours... little girls with hair like fire and spirits to match... crooked smiles that take my breath away... Spirits, Kathryn, why didn't you tell me? Why -- " His voice broke, and he buried his face in her hair again.
"I couldn't... I honestly thought you didn't care anymore. I couldn't tell you and... have you tell me I was too late. I didn't want your pity, Chakotay. If all I could have was your friendship, I wasn't going to ruin it with a stupid confession."
He said nothing, overwhelmed, and she stroked his hair, marveling at the softness of it. "I dream of them too," she whispered. He finally looked up, and she smiled at the surprise she could see in his eyes. "Oh... my dreams are a little bit different. Little boys with golden skin, eyes like night, dimples that let them get away with murder... yes, just like those," she said, laughing as he smiled.
He slowly lowered his lips to hers, wary still. This was it. He'd try to kiss her, and she'd ask him what the hell he thought he was doing, and then this daydream would end. Certain of this fact, he was shocked when, instead of pulling away, Kathryn melted into him, sliding her arms around his neck and breathing his name against his lips. He nibbled and licked at her, nipping at her lower lip and sliding his tongue into her mouth to sweetly tangle with hers.
She pulled away after several moments, and her grin grew mischievous. "Well, we obviously have two theories here. You say little girls that look like me, I say little boys that look like you. We need to conduct some experiments and see whose dreams are accurate. What do you think?"
Chakotay stared at her. Did she just suggest having a child? My child?
She laughed. "I'm certainly not about to let my sister be the only one to carry on the Janeway line! What do you say, Commander? Up to field testing your theory?"
"You're the scientist, Captain," he said, and she yelped when he shifted suddenly, rolling them so that he was pinning her to the carpet, the weight of his body a welcome burden as she cradled him in her arms.
"Hmm... but you know a good scientist would test her theory from every perceivable angle," she said, flexing her hips. "Would you be a flexible lab partner?"
Chakotay laughed, and the deep, rumbling sound rippled through her. "Oh... I don't know, Captain. Practical science was never my strong suit... but I'm sure you'll be an excellent teacher..." His words trailed off as his lips found the delicate skin beneath her ear.
"Ohhh... Well," she murmured, struggling for control. When he paused, curious at her unfinished statement, she took advantage of the moment, rolling them so that she straddled him. "In that case, let the experimentation begin!"