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The thing is, Sapnap never wanted this to happen. And he could've avoided, he really could've. He should've. But he didn't.
Karl was coming over to finish the last bit of their CS281 project, one that they've decided to do together, and Sapnap feels like his skin was crawling.
A knock on the door told him that Karl had finally reached his place, although he doesn't really know why Karl is knocking, he knows very well he could-
"Let's speed-run this, I want to do nothing for the rest of the night," Karl yelled lightheartedly as he walked into Sapnap's apartment, having his own copy of the key. "That is a lie, it's date night."
"You're the late one," Sapnap said.
"Yeah okay," Karl rolled his eyes. "Emma's gonna yell at me if I'm late-"
Right.
Sapnap, Karl has a girlfriend.
"We'll finish this quick, no worries," Sapnap said.
Look, people always tell you to go to parties and enjoy your college years, and Sapnap, of all people, has heard just about every single version of that so-called 'encouragement'.
He looks like a frat boy, is not a frat boy though. He's a sophomore and honestly, he wasn't interested in going through the hazing and the everything back when he was a freshman. Sapnap figured out really quickly that the only thing you really need to get invited to frat parties is some really good connections.
And he's got Dream. And Dream just about knows everyone.
Tonight's party though was not hosted by Dream's frat. It was actually hosted by Alpha Chi, and they're a bit of a big deal. Their parties are known to be huge, loud, and just about everyone shows up because their house is massive.
"I'm going to go find people," Dream told him. "Do you wanna come with me? Or do you wanna stay and talk to other people?"
"Go find George," Sapnap said lightheartedly. "You don't need to babysit me."
"Thanks," Dream grinned. "Text me where you end up for the night. Don't die, don't get drunk." Dream slinked away through the crowd of people.
"Ah yes, because priorities," Sapnap muttered jokingly even though he knew Dream could no longer hear him.
As much as Dream always urged Sapnap to go out and party, his older friend did always remember that Sapnap was still nineteen and technically illegal, and watches out for him.
Sapnap doesn't drink much anyway, but boy did he wish he wasn't alone. Yeah, he did tell Dream that he could go find his little George and he wants his best friend to be happy and moon-eyed over the man, but Sapnap isn't great with crowds.
So which is worse? Third-wheeling your best friend or being forced into a public event despite being an introvert?
Sapnap kinda knew some people. He knew Wilbur, who was playing the guitar sprawled out on the couch, very, very drunk. He could hear Schlatt's voice boom out from across the house. Foolish and Punz were doing- something involving a snowboard and going down the stairs.
"Sapnap," Punz said stumbled his way across the room, and grabbed Sapnap by the shoulders. "You gotta try the stair-board-slide."
"The stair-board-slide," Sapnap repeated.
"Let's fucking go-" Quackity had come out of nowhere and pulled on Sapnap up the stairs.
There was only so much struggling he could do without actually trashing around but he was ultimately dragged all the way up to the top of the staircase. By some luck, he wasn't at the front of the line so he watched as Quackity launched down the flight of stairs on a snowboard.
Ah. The stair-board-slide.
Sapnap quickly back away into the flood of cheering and drunk frat boys as to not get dragged and thrown down the flight of stairs.
"Sap-" Foolish exclaimed and Sapnap heard it. Sapnap bolted as fast as he could and entered a room.
Sapnap leaned back against the door to keep it close, trying to adjust his breathing because of the near-death experience that is stair-board-slide. He was being very dramatic, but we'll give him that.
"Chris?" A muffled voice from inside the bedroom called out in the dark.
Sapnap did not think about the possibility that someone would be in the room. He tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness of the room to squint towards the direction of the voice. A silhouette of a body, slumped face down on the nearest bed came into view. The body shifted, head picking up only inches from the pillow to allow him to speak out.
"Chris?"
"Not Chris, sorry," Sapnap replied.
"Come here then," The arm reached back towards the door, hands grabbing blindly at the door. "I want to see you."
Sapnap contemplated it for a bit before walking towards the side of the bed closest to the sleeping body, crouching so he's at head level with the speaker.
A mop of messy brown hair covered his face. Sapnap watched as his hand went up to brush away the hair, grey eyes blinking underneath it. A sleepy smile curved on his face as he giggled.
"You're cute," He said. "I'm Karl."
"I'm Sapnap," Sapnap replied.
"Sapnap. Sap. Nap," Karl said slowly. "Sappy. Nappy. Sappity. Nappity. Sap Nap," he drawled continuously.
"Are you okay? Should I go find Chris?" Sapnap offered.
"No," Karl hummed. "I'm okay. He said he was gonna get me water but he never came back."
"Do you want me to get you water?" Sapnap asked.
"He was going to get me kitchen water, but I think I have a little bit of yesterday-water in the bottle on the table," Karl mumbled. "Could you find me some aspirin in the bathroom too?"
Oh, he's cute. The little pout of the lips, and the scrunching of the forehead. Karl, even by his face alone, and the fact that he was currently sporting some killer sweater paws, was cute.
Sapnap chuckled and went around the room trying to find the bottle before going to the bathroom to find some aspirin. When he came back, Karl was already midway trying to sit himself up against the headboard.
Sapnap walked back and handed Karl water and the bottle of pills. Karl muttered a small thank you, before trying, and absolutely failing to get past the childsafe lock on the aspirin bottle. Karl held out the bottle and shook it in front of Sapnap with a frown.
"Had an early start did you?" Sapnap asked sarcastically, taking the aspirin bottle from Karl to open it and pour out two little pills. "It's barely 10 PM."
"Don't be mean," Karl whined, taking the two pills from Sapnap before swallowing it with the remaining water in his bottle. Karl shook his head before patting the space on the bed beside him, an invitation for Sapnap to sit next to him. "Why did you come into my room?"
"Sorry, I was-" Sapnap gulped, slowly sitting down on the bed. "Stair-board-slide," And that was his only explanation.
"Scared of a little stair-board-slide?" Karl asked cheekily.
"They yeeted Quackity and I'm pretty sure I'm not drunk enough for that," Sapnap reasoned.
"Get drunk then," Karl said easily, sliding down slightly, leaning his head on Sapnap's shoulders. "Alcohol is free in this house."
"And end up like you? No thank you," Sapnap said.
"Mean," Karl mumbled. "I was just having fun. A little- a little too fast."
"Well if drinking is how I go down the stair-board-slide, I'm not trying to break a bone," Sapnap said.
"Okay. You can hide in my room," Karl said softly. "You helped me. And you're cute."
Karl tilted his head from resting on Sapnap's shoulder and leaned forward to plant a kiss on Sapnap's lips. Shock was the first thing that came to his mind, but Karl's lips were soft and warm, tasted sweet like raspberry-flavored alcohol. And frankly, Sapnap didn't really want to stop.
Instinctively, Sapnap's hand went and held Karl's jaw, pulling it closer, deepening the kiss. Tongue licking his bottom lip before a burst of giggle came from Karl. Sapnap felt Karl shift his weight, moving himself to be on top of Sapnap.
Too fast. Too fast.
Way too fast.
"Karl," Sapnap muttered, moving his hands to hold Karl's waist, stopping it in position. "Karl-"
"What?" Breathy moans came from Karl's lips and Sapnap really hated himself for stopping this.
"You're drunk," Sapnap said. "You're really drunk."
Karl pulled away, lips swollen with a lopsided smile. Karl's eyes were scanning Sapnap's face, staring racily at Sapnap's lips.
"And?" Karl challenged.
"You're drunk," Sapnap repeated. "I'd like to do this when you can actually remember it."
"Huh," Karl hummed. "That's sweet."
Karl planted a quick peck on Sapnap's lips before sliding down back into his bed. He looked up at Sapnap, and smiled, patting the bed yet again.
"Come lie down," Karl said.
"Karl-" Sapnap started, but Karl's eyes simply stared deep into him, eyes sparkling in the middle of the darkness.
"Stay," Karl's request was simple.
The bed was definitely large enough for both of them. Sapnap sighed and obliged, sliding down until he was lying side by side with this random boy. Karl sighed, chuckling to himself very contently.
"Goodnight handsome," Karl's breath slowing down as he fell back asleep.
And so they were, the two boys lying in bed next to each other. Two strangers, side by side, enjoying each other's company in silence despite the unbelievably loud music outside of the door.
Sapnap couldn't see himself, but he knew he was glowing red, no mirror needed. He brought his hands up to his lips, the ghostly taste of alcohol lingered on.
Sapnap shook his head, shook himself back into sense, and slowly removed himself from the bed when he finally heard soft snoring from Karl. He walked to the door, trying his best to not make a single noise as he crept out, and that was that.
A party. Sapnap met Karl Jacobs, at a random party early into his second-year class. And it could've stopped at that, but it didn't, because Sapnap was walking into his first lecture of the CS281 class the very next day when he spotted the same cute brunet boy sitting a little near the back, looking like he's experiencing the worse hangover in his life.
Sapnap immediately felt his heart racing, just a little bit, calculating his moves trying to figure out if he should or should not approach him.
He did.
Now, whether or not this was the correct decision, looking at it in the long run- Sapnap could not answer you.
But he did. That first class, Sapnap walked up towards the fourth last row from the back and snuck his way onto the seat next to Karl.
"Seat taken?" Sapnap asked cheekily.
Karl didn't look up from looking at his phone in his sleepy state and just shook his head. Sapnap furrowed his eyebrows. Honestly, he'd expected a bigger reaction.
"Massive hangover?" Sapnap asked.
"I'm sorry dude, I'm just not in a small talk mood," Karl apologized. "My head is pounding. I love meeting new people, but-"
"New people?" Sapnap called.
"Yeah," Karl turned, though his head stayed rested on his hand. He looked at Sapnap's confused face, the gears slowly turning. "I'm sorry, have we met before?"
"Kind of," Sapnap muttered. "Last night."
"Right," Karl nodded before wincing at the movement of his head. "I don't remember much from last night, I'm sorry. What's your name again?"
"Sapnap," Sapnap said.
"Sapnap," Karl repeated. "Sapnap," Honestly it felt like a little prick in his heart as he listened to his name rolling off Karl's tongue, lacking all emotion and understanding. "Nickname?"
"Yeah," Sapnap nodded.
"Cute," Karl said.
"Thanks," Sapnap mumbled a bland reply.
Sapnap observed the man sitting next to him, watching closely as he looked at his phone, his lock screen filled to the brim with dozens of notifications. Not even a second later the phone started vibrating, the name Emma was at the top along with a few emojis. Karl let out a hefty sigh before picking it up.
"I'm in class," Karl replied. "I have to go soon if the professor comes in." Karl waited for a bit, and Sapnap could hear rapid talking from the other side. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry. Look I wasn't expecting to be- yes, I know. I will hold myself from drinking next time, but it's in Jimmy's place, I would've been safe," Karl glanced quickly at Sapnap, noticing that Sapnap was staring. Sapnap swiftly looked away after getting caught. "I'll talk to you later. Yeah."
"Girlfriend?" Sapnap tried to be cool, asking the question very casually.
"No, no, just-" Karl shrugged. "A girl that I've been seeing."
"So almost a girlfriend," Sapnap concluded.
"Got mad at me because I didn't answer her calls last night," Karl explained. "Got worried, thought I was dead. Was just splat-faced drunk."
"Right," Sapnap said.
The professor had finally entered the lecture hall and Sapnap finally turned to face the front. Mind racing as the thousand miles an hour, he was a bit confused, but ultimately just heartbroken.
Had Karl really forgotten everything that happened last night? And he has a girlfriend? Pseudo-girlfriend, whatever.
He didn't even know Karl that well, they had one encounter in which they made out, Karl being absolutely drunk through it, and that was it.
Admittedly it was a very, very good kiss.
And he has a girl- listen, if anything Sapnap doesn't wanna think about amidst his confusion is the whole sexuality part. He wasn't about to speculate, Karl, having a girl vs making out with him last night. But he also wasn't going to confront him because there is always that chance-
That chance that Karl only did it because he was drunk and if Sapnap confronted him, it's not gonna end well.
Needless to say that Sapnap did not listen to a single word the professor had said in their first class. He didn't even hear about the project details or know about the project existence at all for that matter until Karl talked to him once the class was dismissed.
"You wanna do the project together?" Karl asked. "It's 2 people and I thought since you clearly knew me, it'll be good."
Sapnap stood still in the corridor outside of the lecture hall. He stared Karl right on his face as he tried to piece the puzzle together.
There is a project. Do it together.
You know sometimes when your life is in shambles and you try to figure out what went wrong, so you trace the events back to a single moment- a single decision that brought that chain reaction on you? Sapnap had done that about a million times and came to the conclusion that this was it.
"Sure," Sapnap replied.
He should've said no.
See the problem was, Sapnap hadn't known Karl at all. Sure, it was disappointing that the cute boy who made out with you is- Sapnap didn't even know what the situation was, but is not going to go to the same path you were expecting.
So in reality, if Sapnap had said no, he probably would've just moved on. We would meet Karl in passing, or at another party (which he will be sure to avoid being alone with a drunk Karl) or whatever.
But instead, now they sit together every class, study in the library all the time, and meet every weekend to progress on their big project.
And Karl-
Karl is wonderful.
"I got you coffee and a chocolate scone because I know you haven't eaten and you get cranky and you like chocolate too, and it's two sugars one cream, but I'm guessing," Karl blurted out the sentence in one breath when he approached Sapnap's table in the library.
Sapnap wouldn't've even heard it if he hadn't made his headphone crooked so he could listen to his surroundings out of one ear. Now, this was three weeks into their friendship. How Karl knew his coffee order (even though he claimed to have guessed it) or his love for chocolate was a complete mystery to him.
Don't think about it Sapnap, don't think about it.
"Thanks," Sapnap said. He was actually studying for an ECON 101 course that was mandatory for him to take. He wasn't even expecting to meet Karl today. "You really shouldn't have."
"You've been here for 4 hours, of course, I should have," Karl replied as he took a seat across from Sapnap.
"How do you know I've been here 4 hours?" Sapnap asked as he took a sip of the coffee.
"You always start at 4 PM," Karl answered. "It just depends if you've left or not. I mean, I would've just eaten the scone if you'd have left."
"Oh," Sapnap left a little warm glow around him. Karl knows his habits? "Here, share," Sapnap said, tearing the scone into two before passing half to Karl.
Karl took it without much fight and the two sat in silence, each studying on their own despite being very much together.
They enjoyed spending time with each other, so much so that not soon after, they started to spend time together outside of studying.
"When are you gonna have a movie night with me, you always talk about Death Note and Haikyuu and I watch those too," Karl said. "So when are you gonna invite me over?"
Week 6. Sapnap knew Karl was more on the bolder side of things, not really shy about inviting himself to things. And they have, in fact, talked a lot about anime lately.
"I don't know, when are you free?" Sapnap asked.
"I am free right now, let's get pizza and watch something," Karl said immediately.
Sapnap was dragged into a pizza store not long after and back to his apartment within the hour. Sitting on the couch, his laptop plugged into the TV with an HDMI, the two classmates, or friends, watched a few episodes of this Anime Sapnap wouldn't stop raving about.
It did not escape Sapnap's attention that Karl was more and more so sitting closer to him, and even at some point 45 minutes ago, he's resorted to leaning against Sapnap, shoulder to shoulder.
Karl's laugh was melodic, loud, and bright, and Sapnap didn't even care that Karl talks over the episode, he's seen it multiple times. He's just glad Karl is getting so much enjoyment out of it.
Dream came home just as Karl was about to leave.
"I'm home," Dream called. "Oh hi Karl," he sounded confused.
"Hey, I was just heading out," Karl said cheerfully. "We got some leftover pizza."
"Cool," Dream said.
"Right, I'm running late," Karl threw his bag over his shoulder. "See you tomorrow Sapnap."
"Bye," Sapnap waved.
The two roommates waited until the door closed and Karl fully left before Dream turned to look at Sapnap.
"Sapnap-" Dream began.
"Don't," Sapnap replied.
"You had a pizza date?" Dream asked.
"We were just watching anime," Sapnap was way too defensive.
"Okay," Dream said, though his voice that he trusted Sapnap at all.
"I know what you wanna say Dream," Sapnap sighed.
"Then I don't need to tell you why this is an issue," Dream said.
"It's not an issue," Sapnap said. "I'm fine."
"Alright," Dream hummed, stealing a pizza as he took a seat on the couch next to Sapnap. "Don't come crawling to me when you get hurt."
That happened not even two weeks later.
It was an offhand comment, he doubted Karl thought twice about mentioning it or even had the intention to let Sapnap knew officially. It wasn't the type of news that he was going to declare to the world.
"Can we finish this week's work before 7?" Karl has asked absentmindedly, fingers still typing away.
"Sure," Sapnap shrugged. "Got something to do?"
"Yeah my girlfriend's coming to town and she's staying the weekend," Karl told him.
Sapnap felt like he was just punched in the gut, breath stuck in his throat. He could barely swallow his thoughts.
"Girlfriend?" Sapnap's voice cracked when he spoke. He definitely didn't intend on the question sounding as harsh as it did.
"Yeah, Emma," Karl didn't even look up.
"It's official now?" Sapnap tried his best to sound calm at the question like he was trying to tease his best friend about it.
"Yeah," It was at times like these that he's grateful for how oblivious Karl was sometimes. "That's why she wanted to come visit. Celebrate."
He knew. Sapnap knew it was only a matter of time. In any other circumstance, he would be surprised it took this long. He'd known about Emma since the first day or technically the second day they met. Doesn't mean it hurt any less.
"I think I've got it this week," Sapnap cleared his throat. "You can go. Get ready and everything."
"No, no, I've got another hour-" Karl said, finally looking up from his screen.
"No seriously," Sapnap forced a smile. "Go have fun, I've got it covered."
"I'll make it up to you," Karl said as he was packing up his things. "Lunch is on me Monday after class."
Sapnap could only watch as Karl waved goodbye before running out of the library. Sapnap waited exactly 5 minutes before he started to clean up his things and going home.
He felt pathetic really, unable to say anything, do anything- Disappointed? He doesn't deserve to be disappointed, he had this coming. He should've known, he should've known.
He walked into his apartment, feet dragging across the floor as the door closed behind him.
"Hey, I thought you had a project to finish," Dream said. "I'm cooking pasta though, if you wan-" Dream looked at Sapnap, eyebrows furrowing as he finally noticed his best friend's face. "Hey, hey, what happened?" Dream
Eyes burning red, lips slightly quivering as he just stared blankly at Dream. Sapnap clenched his jaw, eyes blinking slowly as to not start crying right that instant.
No words needed to be exchanged. Dream turned off the stove and placed down his spatula. As much as Dream had said for Sapnap not to come crawling to him, none of that matters when it comes down to it.
That night, all Dream could do was hug his best friend as he wallowed in his heartbreak.
You would've thought that was the end of it. Dream thought, hoped, that the incident three weeks before would've been the end of it. But it wasn't.
"What are you doing, Sapnap, what are you doing?" Dream exclaimed in frustration.
"Why are you so angry?" Sapnap said back.
"Movie?" Dream scoffed. "He said let's go to a movie and you said yes."
"I wanted to see the movie," Sapnap replied.
"Alright," Dream folded his arm challengingly. "I wanna see the movie. Cancel with him and watch it with me."
"Well no, he asked first," Sapnap said.
"You're lying to yourself Sapnap," Dream insisted. "He has a girlfriend, Sapnap."
"It's a just movie!" Sapnap yelled.
"Stop it," Dream said. "You know very well it's not just a movie."
Dream would never have guessed that he would be in a screaming match with his roommate, trying to convince him not to go out on a movie friend-date with the same man that had made him cry three weeks ago.
"He's my friend Dream," Sapnap said.
"He's more than that and you know it," Dream said.
"And what?" Sapnap exclaimed. "And what, Dream? Do I just stop being friends with him, do I just- stop hanging out with him the second the project is over?"
"Yes," Dream's answer was stern.
"We're friends! I can't just stop-"
"Yes you can," Dream replied. "Cut him off. Once the project is over, once the class is over, you have no excuse to see him."
"Okay, easy for you to say," Sapnap scoffed coldly. "I have to do what you think is best for me, while you go running around with Geor-"
"Stop it," Dream spat venomously. "That's not fair."
"Oh, what's not fair Dream?" Sapnap said. "That you won't stop hanging out with George? That you won't tell him how you feel? You won't cut him off. You'll let yourself get dragged around pining over some-"
"That's very different," Dream said.
"How is it different?" Sapnap demanded. "How is it that you can tell me what to do, but you won't do the same?"
The two best friends were at a standstill, breathing very heavily as they trying to catch their breath after all the screaming.
"Three years," Dream said. "That's the difference."
Sapnap was in denial. Sapnap was stubborn. He was about to let himself fall back into his painful comfort of being around Karl- and Dream was not about to let that happen.
"I've known George for 3 years. And I've been in love with George for 3 years," Dream began. "You've known Karl for 3 months. Sapnap, I beg of you. Don't do the same thing I did. Don't fall for him, not if you can't get out."
Both of their breath was staggered. Emotions ran high during their intense fights. Especially when it comes to their love lives.
"George-" Dream's voice broke. "George is in everything around me. In every single word I say, every single song I sing, and every single thing I do- and I want more than anything for it to stop. I wish more than anything that I never met him," Dream breath was raggedy. "But he's in my head and it's too late for me."
The silence rang so much louder than the screaming and yelling it was painful.
"Dream, I'm in love with him," Sapnap confessed after a moment of silence, but Dream already knew that. "And I-" Sapnap sighed. "I need to be around him. Things are brighter, louder, funnier- things are so much more beautiful than they are not. I'm happy when I'm around him."
"But you're also not," Dream said. "You hurt all the time. You're hurting-"
"Would you give George up?" Sapnap interjected. "Even if it hurts you?"
Another moment of silence. The question was less challenging, less demanding, but still sits heavy in the air.
"I wouldn't give him up for the world. No matter how much it hurts," Dream answered after a beat. "But I'm stupid, Sapnap. And you're smarter than me."
"Three months isn't three years," Sapnap agreed. "But it doesn't make it any less real."
"I never said it does," Dream clarified. "That's why I gave you two choices. Tell him how you feel, or cut him off entirely. Leave him, or make him leave you.
"But I don't want to," Sapnap's voice pleaded for Dream to budge, to have a bit of mercy because he himself knows what needed to be done.
"I know," Dream's voice was sympathetic. "But you'll have to anyway."
"Okay, so if I use this extension I copied off this random Reddit thread, it works," Karl said. "But I mean, the code makes no sense!"
"Calm down, calm down," Sapnap chuckled. "Look, it's done. It's fine. As long as we reference it, we're allowed to use external sources. It works, so it's fine."
"Source: Reddit user CameForToeCheese," Karl joked and Sapnap snorted.
"Reddit user CameForToeCheese saved our twelve-week project," Sapnap said. "As long as we pass, that's fine by me." Sapnap saved his file, closed his laptop, and leaned back with a big sigh.
"I guess you're right," Karl agreed, following suit by saving his project and shutting his laptop down.
"I guess this is it," Sapnap said. "Project's done."
"God it feels so good!" Karl cheered. "We should go for a celebration dinner," Karl winced. "Okay well not tonight, I guess. But I'm thinking this weekend, we can go to-"
"Karl," Sapnap called softly.
"-this fantastic Japanese restaurant. I'd take Emma, but actually, I'd much rather take you because Emma doesn't eat raw fish and-"
"Karl," Sapnap said a little louder.
"-she actually thinking about turning vegan which, I don't know how I feel abo-"
"Karl," Sapnap didn't raise his voice, though he said it a little more sternly and leaned forward, forcing Karl to look at him.
"Sorry," Karl said sheepishly. "What is it?"
It has been a week since his fight with Dream and Sapnap, through a lot of self debate and internal conflict had decided on what he was going to do. And boy did he hate it.
His heart was beating a thousand miles an hour, and his est physically aches. He felt his throat close up, trying his best to prepare for the words he has to say even with a skull-crushing headache.
"I think we should stop hanging out with each other," Sapnap said.
Sapnap watched as Karl's face fell from his usual grinning self into utter confusion.
He had to do it, he had to. And he did it.
"Oh," Karl said after a while. "Okay, I'm-" He gulped. "That's fine. Project's done, so we don't have to be friends, I'm-"
"Karl," Sapnap called.
"No, no I get it," Karl tried to laugh through the awkwardness. "You gotta spend time with each other when you have a project, but when you don't-"
"Karl," Sapnap grabbed both of Karl's hands into his, forcing Karl to stop and look at him.
Karl's hands were warm and soft. He remembered every single time Karl had held him, hugged him, placed an arm around his shoulder when they were together. Sapnap would give just about anything to be able to just hold his hands, a few moments longer, just a few seconds. Just hold it without having to think about the consequences. Without having to think about what he's going to have to do next.
"I like you," Sapnap said. He scoffed before correcting himself. "I love you, actually," He said very hesitantly. "Like the uh- in love with you, type of way."
Karl stared at him, eyes glancing down at his hands. Of course, Sapnap was making him uncomfortable. Sapnap quickly lets go of his hands, immediately feeling the cold rushing through his body.
"Sapnap-" Karl said. "What are you talking about?"
"I uhm-" Sapnap sighed. "Made the mistake of falling in love with this really cute boy that kissed me once when he was blackout drunk at the Alpha Chi start of term party," He smiled sadly. "And ever since, I've done all I could to keep him around."
Sapnap hung his head down, swallowing the biggest lump in his throat. His lips were dry, and his jaw was sore from the excessive clenching.
"He'd buy me coffee, just how I like it. Sometimes a chocolate scone on a good day," Sapnap continued. "I like that when he laughs, he brings his entire body into it. And he gets so angry when he loses a game. He likes to paint his nails, I think that's really cool. He's a really good singer, though he'd rather yell out the lyrics most times."
Sapnap counted to himself, seconds of intervals to regulate his breathing as he tried to look Karl in the eyes.
"And I love him. The way he talks. The way he walks. The way he looks at me when I say something that makes him laugh. I love him," Sapnap said. "So much. And I-" Sapnap's breath staggered. "I have to be mean, and selfish. And even if I want to stay his friend, I have to ask him to leave, no matter how much it'll hurt me, or hurt him- because I know he doesn't love me. And sooner or later, it's going to break me."
Sapnap watched Karl's face, trying to memorize the details of his features. The color of his eyes, his long eyelashes, curly brown hair, the curve of his lips, nose, and cheeks. He tries his best to memorize everything before it's gone.
Because this was it. This was the decision he'd made. It was both to tell Karl the truth, and then leave him entirely.
What a fucking decision.
"You'd do that for me, right Karl?" Sapnap requested. "You'd leave so you don't break me?"
Sapnap's gaze was so intense that Karl swore he could feel his heart shattering in front of him. He may as well have taken it in his hands and stomped on it.
"I'm sorry," That was all Karl managed to say.
"It's okay," Sapnap nodded with a smile, though tears were threatening to fall at any minute. "It's been fun. See you around."
Sapnap stood up from his couch and made his way to his bedroom, leaving Karl to find his own way out. He has a key anyway, it'll be a later problem when he tries to figure out how to get the key back.
Sapnap crawled into bed almost immediately, though he was still awake listening to the footsteps shuffling in his living room finally followed by his front door closing and locking.
He doesn't even know if he was crying. He was just tired. So, so tired. He wasn't asleep, though he was practically catatonic. Dream came home about two hours later and came to check in on him, tried to ask him what happened though he could only answer with a few methodical grunts.
Dream told him there was a sub for him in the fridge that he could microwave if he was hungry. He wasn't. Another 2 hours, 3 hours. It was probably midnight when Dream greeted him goodnight, and at least he could say it back.
It was probably 2 AM when he heard a knock on their front door. It was a soft 3 knocks with a long pause to follow. Who even was at their door in the middle of the night.
He wasn't in the mood. Either Dream could wake up and get it, or the person could give up and come back tomorrow when Dream is awake. And he knows Dream went to bed two hours ago.
The same three knocks came five minutes later, ending with another pause.
Give up. Just give up, please. Give up, give-
"I'm sorry."
It was muffled through not one but two doors, and it was barely over a normal speaking voice. But it was very quiet, and it was undeniably Karl's voice.
"Oh god. I'm sorry."
It wasn't really directed at anyone, at least it didn't sound like it. But he was apologizing, and he sounded like he'd been crying.
Sapnap, be strong. Don't do it. Sapnap don-
"I'm so sorry."
Sapnap was weak. He tried. But Karl is Karl, and he needed to be there.
He shuffled towards the door, one hand reaching up to the lock, slowly turning it until it clicks. His hand gripped the doorknob a little harder than expected, worried about what was going to greet him on the other side.
The door swung open to reveal Karl, sitting on the floor across from his door. His knees tucked up to his chest, head rested against his arms. He looked up once he heard the door open, tears streaming down his face.
"You still have a key," Sapnap muttered.
Karl hastily wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater as he slowly got up.
"I didn't think you'd want to see me, so I didn't-" That itself was a good enough explanation.
"What are you doing here Karl?" Sapnap asked, his voice still laced with worry. "It's 2 AM."
"I'm sorry," Karl began. "Sapnap, I'm so, so-"
"You don't have to apologize to me, Karl," Sapnap said. "It's not your fault."
"It is," Karl said, nodding rapidly. "It is. And I-" His breath was shaking. "I don't know if you're ever going to forgive me."
"Karl," Sapnap said. "You don't have-"
"I remember," Karl blurted out.
Sapnap gaped, unsure about what to do or say, his brain was not aware enough for this. He continued to look on though, somehow his heartbreak for Karl's tears overpowering his own pain for just a minute.
"I remember the party," Karl clarified. "And I remember- you. I remember you."
"You never said anything," Sapnap breathed out.
"I got scared," Karl said. "I've never-" He gulped. "And when you didn't say anything-"
Karl was incapable of finishing a sentence, shaking his hands rapidly in front of him as if to shake away the nerves. It didn't work.
"I need to stop blaming you," Karl said. "You didn't really say anything, but I was scared anyway. So I- So I pretended that it never happened."
Karl inhaled a deep shaky breath, eyes focusing on the ceiling in a failed attempt to stop his tears from falling.
"I had a girl that I was sort of seeing. And that's simple. And I've done that before. I've never- you," Karl said. "You're different, and you're new. And I didn't wanna think about what to say, what to do, or how I'll have to explain-"
And so a portion of the mystery was now answered. Sort of.
"I was selfish," Karl said adamantly. "You're not selfish, you're not, I am. And I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," He sobbed.
Sapnap couldn't stop himself from moving forward, bring his hands up to cup Karl's cheeks, thumbs wiping away his tears. Karl melted almost immediately, his head leaning into Sapnap's touch. Karl brought his hand to place over Sapnap's, holding it even tighter against his skin. Sapnap pulled him close and Karl buried his face in Sapnap's chest.
"You make me so happy," Karl mumbled earnestly. "So, so happy. And all I did was hurt you."
"And I'd let you do it again," Sapnap replied. "And again, and again, and again, and a thousand times over." And he meant it with all his heart.
"But I don't want to," Karl whined so softly that Sapnap, amongst all his sorrow for the last six, eight hours, couldn't help but chuckle.
"Well you don't have to," Sapnap said, placing a kiss on top of Karl's head. He kept still, inhaling the smell of Karl's shampoo as his voice got muffled by his hair. "You don't have to. I'm sorry I asked you to leave. We can be friends, Karl, we can-"
"I broke up with Emma," Karl interjected.
Sapnap froze, only just a little while, just surprised, that's all. Sure, a 2 AM apology could naturally lead to some kind of confession. It is definitely possible. But Sapnap wasn't going to let himself believe that so easily.
He was willing to let himself get hurt if Karl wants to stay in his life, but not like this. Not with false hopes like this.
"You did?" Sapnap asked.
"Of course I did," Karl said, his head still held against Sapnap's. "How could I-"
Karl slowly pulled away, taking Sapnap's hands into his just like Sapnap did, not even a few hours ago. He exhaled a shaky breath trying to steady his voice and his heartbeat.
"Sapnap," Karl began slowly. "If after all this, after everything, you still love that boy-" He tried his best to keep talking without shedding a tear. "That boy loves you back, I promise."
Sapnap's mouth opened, moving like he was trying to form words but unable to say anything.
"Are you sure?" That was the question Sapnap managed to ask when he was able to talk again. "Karl you don't have-"
"Shut up and kiss me," Karl cut him off before Sapnap could finish his doubt.
Sapnap moved forward, hand reaching out to touch Karl's face. He brushed away Karl's hair, staring into slightly bloodshot eyes and the remaining tear-stains down his cheeks. His hands stayed on Karl's face as he leaned forward, pulling him into a kiss.
They have kissed before, approximately 12 weeks ago.
Somehow it was different and the same at the same time.
It was the same sweetness, despite the lack of alcohol. The same soft plump lips, the same warmth- the same person. And yet it wasn't. It's still Karl, but no longer was he the drunk stranger Sapnap met at the Alpha Chi house, he was now one of the most important people in Sapnap's life. Emotions were different as well, intentions too. It was more needy, so much more desperate-
So much more in love.
They pulled apart after a few, foreheads touching, and eyes still closed. Sapnap pressed a quick peck on Karl's soft lips. The kiss moved to the corner of the mouth, then to his cheek, and trailed until it stopped by his ear. Sapnap stayed, absorbing every single inch of Karl's existence. It was intoxicatingly happy.
"I love you," Sapnap whispered sending shivers down Karl's spine.
He felt Karl's hands grip him even tighter he almost wanted to laugh. Pure blissful joy.
"I love you too," Karl's words seemed too good to be true, his voice soft and tender, and Sapnap felt his heart grow tenfold.
Sapnap pulled back, hands still holding Karl's face, brushing his hair away, wiping his tears. Sapnap just wanted to hold the world in his hands, and Karl was just that.
"Tired?" Sapnap asked, and Karl slowly nodded. "Sleepover?" And Karl continued to nod wordlessly.
Sapnap slowly guided Karl into the apartment, locking the door behind him before bringing Karl into his room. It wasn't the first time Karl's been in his bedroom, but this time it was different.
Everything was going to be different starting now. In a good way. In the best way.
Sapnap gave Karl a hoodie that he had, one he knew Karl loved from that one time he lent it out to him. It was a simple black, arms at a perfect length for sweater paws, two sizes too big for Karl. And he was perfect.
There were no more words for the rest of the night, just an exchange of kisses and soft hums as they prepared for the night. They crawled into bed not long after, unbelievably exhausted from today's emotional turmoil, just holding each other close and enjoying their presence in silence. Completely happy.
And so they were, just like that first night they met, simply two boys lying in bed next to each other. But now they are more.
So much more.