Chapter Text
James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky to his friends. But the two of you were not friends. He had made that abundantly clear. Fine. You could deal with it.
He didn’t know it, but the two of you had more in common than he might think, but of course, that would mean he had to get to know you and he obviously didn’t want to do that. At first, sure it had bothered you a little bit. You had tried extending a hand, an olive branch, whatever you want to call it but each time you were brushed off.
It was annoying. It was rude more than anything. Sure, you could understand the standoffish attitude and the reason to put up barriers with new people, but there was a point where it stopped being about protecting whoever he was protecting and started to just be assholish.
Bucky had crossed that line remarkably quickly.
Of course you sympathized with him. The guy had been through hell and back and you completely understood the need for distance and the ability to do things on his own time. But sympathy wore out. You had made mistakes in your life too. You had hurt people and you had done a lot of things you were ashamed of. But they were a part of you. You moved on, you worked on making amends. Sure, the nightmares and the guilt never truly went away but at least you could get through the day without glaring down anybody who tried to get close. Not that you let them get too close anyway. Regardless of your own issues, you understood .
You knew what it was like. The shame, the faces of the people you had hurt, the need to be independent. The way the training was still etched into your very soul. The weird need for people to constantly remind you that you weren’t that person anymore, that whoever you used to be was gone. You knew that wasn’t true.
You were, in all honesty, tired of the martyr. Tired of the walls, and the defenses and masochist need to push everyone away. So you let it go. It took a lot of effort for you to be kind to people, and you didn’t feel like continuing to waste it on James of all people. After a week, the two of you barely interacted. Now, almost a year of living literally across the hall from him, all you really knew was his name, he was 100 years old, and he used to work for HYDRA.
“Briefing in five minutes”
You opened your eyes and looked up at the ceiling of the room as you lay on your back, not really sleeping, just trying to gather your thoughts, “Thanks, Friday.” You sat up and stretched your arms over your head knowing that whatever mission they were sending you on was sure to bring some excitement into your life.
You looked around your room. There was one photo on your nightstand. You and your brother. When you were kids, laughing and smiling, just happy to be together. You went over the sink and splashed cool water in your face before lightly patting your face dry with a towel. You tossed the towel in the direction of your countertop and headed towards your bedroom door.
When you opened your door at the same time as Barnes and locked eyes you couldn’t help the thought that flashed across your mind, “Oh, yeah this will be really exciting.” The two of you locked eyes for the briefest of moments, his face completely devoid of any readable emotion, you were sure your face looked pretty similar. Came with the training. Not that he bothered to know that but whatever.
You broke the moment by shutting your door behind you and heading down the hall, conscious of the fact that he was walking half a step behind you to your right. As you both entered the briefing room Sam looked up and grinned. “How was Wakanda?”
You smiled in return and offered your hand, “Beautiful as always.”
“And Shuri?”
“The new Black Panther is already working hard and serving her people.”
“Was there ever any doubt?” Sam kindly rejected the outstretched hand and pulled you into a quick hug.
“Of course not.”
Barnes continued to stand on the other side of the table with his arms crossed and his brows furrowed. “Sam. Mission?”
You couldn’t help but roll your eyes just slightly. There was that rudeness that you had come to notice throughout the first few months you had tried to talk with him. It punctuated every interaction to the point where it was glaringly obvious how much he didn’t want to be around you.
Sam rolled his eyes as well, although much more comically, and shrugged his shoulders. “Fair enough. You both should sit down.”
You raised your eyebrows slightly but sat down at the long table, refusing to look James in the eye as he did the same on the opposite side of the table. You tucked your feet up underneath your knees while sitting in the chair and prepared for the worst.
Sam sat down at the end of the table and took a breath, “Now I’m gonna need you both not to freak out but we received intel that a small group of Hydra sympathists has reassembled in Madripoor.”
You could actually feel your heart rate increase, but you kept your face blank. This was not what you had expected at all. No, this was far worse. Still refusing to look at the man on the other side of the table you calmly leaned forward and said, “What?”
“Yeah, apparently they have been experimenting on participants...”
“What kind of experiments?” His voice sounded level, but you knew that voice. It sounded like your own if you were being honest.
Sam looked up at the two of you, both of you leaned forward with tense shoulders and clenched fists. “They’re still trying to recreate the super soldier serum.”
Your mind flashed back to another time. Sitting on a sterile table while being experimented on. Being told to run drills over and over again as they continued to erase each new day in order to keep you controlled. You could feel your jaw clenching as you began to register Sam’s voice again. “You guys are going to travel to Madripoor. First, see if you can find out if these rumors are true, then if you can find out where they are located, simple recon. If you can, take them down. Keep me updated throughout.”
You nodded stiffly. You didn’t like the idea of potentially walking right back into Hydra’s open arms but you also knew that you two were the best people to do it. Then he spoke.
“I don’t get it, why is she going?” He jerked his head roughly in your direction.
Now you were looking at him. You clenched your jaw and fought off the frustration that was always so close to the surface when he was around.
He continued, “Sam, why can’t it be you?”
Sam looked slightly confused. He knew that you and Barnes didn’t exactly get along but he assumed he would have at least known a little bit about your past. “Bucky, she-”
You cut him off, “ She actually has a name, Sergeant Barnes, or did you not know that?”
For the first time in a while he locked eyes with you, and despite your relaxed posture in the chair he could clearly see the challenge in your eyes. The fire.
He grit his teeth and returned his gaze to his friend, “Okay, sorry , why is (y/n) coming with me instead of you Sam?”
“Because she knows Hydra, Buck. I thought you knew that?” Sam replied.
“Okay yeah, but so do you, I can’t imagine she knows more than you-”
“Barnes! I know Hydra because I was Hydra!” You slammed a hand on the table as you flung the sentence across the room at him and although his face didn’t betray any emotion, you knew he was surprised. The tension hung in the air but you continued to look him in the face.
“I didn’t know.” It wasn’t an apology, it was an excuse.
“Well, maybe if you had bothered to try to get to know me at some point in the past several months you would.” You stood up from the table and paused in the doorway. “I’ll be ready to leave in 20 minutes. I’ll meet you outside.” And then you walked out.
Bucky looked over at Sam, “She was Hydra? How come I didn’t know?”
Sam shrugged, “You never tried man.”
They could both hear the echo as you slammed your bedroom door down the hall.