Archive of Our Own ^beta

The school was so much bigger than it looked in the photos. So much bigger. Ponyboy instantly began to regret shooting down Darry’s offer to tour the school before he went. But he was too stubborn. Too stubborn and Darry was too broke. Then again, he always just wanted to ‘get the hell out of Dodge’. So he jumped at the first change. The first chance being some middle level college for arts and literature all the way on the east coast, as far away from Tulsa as he could get without having to get on a boat.

Still, it was nice. The buildings were taller than anything you could see back in Tulsa. The light brown concrete arches and stoned pathways made it feel like a movie. Like one of those fancy colleges you always see on tv and wondered if they were real. But now Ponyboy could confirm, they were real.

It took him a while to find the freshman doors, the upperclassman weren’t any help at all. One even sent him to the sophomore girls dorm, who thank god, finally pointed him in the right direction.

And thank god for the fact that through some cliche paper work screw up that left him without a roommate for all of freshman year. He was nervous enough being all the way across the country, let alone having to meet and room with a complete stranger. He never was one to get along well with strangers. Never really looked forward to being put into the situation.

So when a flier was shoved in his hands about a ‘first day freshman’ party a few blocks away, he did not intend on going. Not one bit. He wasn’t interested in the drugs and the alcohol and all the hot sweaty sick people that came with it. The desperate girls and the even more desperate guys. It wasn’t his scene.

That was until he began unpacking his clothes. Pulling out crudely cut shirts and slashed ripped jeans. It made him laugh at how he used to hide them so deeply under his bed, just waiting for the day he could take them out and wear them. Looking at them now?

“What the fuck was I thinking” he laughed. There was hardly a thing that was salvageable, let alone that would fit him.

He had grown considerably before he went off to college. Ended up growing an extra five to six inches, making him nearly as tall or even taller than Darry. Though he was still as lean as he had always been, despite the muscle mass he was able to get from track.

He just continued to look at the clothes. They reminded him of how scared he used to be of himself, of how people saw him. He was terrified of the rumors he heard of people and how things could end up for him. But the older and the older he got, the more he realized there was always gonna be that possibility, no matter where he went or how old he got, there was always gonna be that risk.

So he figured that once he got out of Tulsa and away from any and all expectations from everyone, especially his brothers, he could be who he always wanted to be. The pages ripped out of my magazines. The books on his shelf with false covers. The clothes under his bed.

He would go to the stupid party.

He was able to find a yellow graphic t-shirt that still fit him just enough and some pretty tight blue jeans, looking at the flier and then into the mirror. Wondering if eyeliner was too much. Too big of a jump for his very first day at college. But what the fuck. Why not.

He hadn’t really done it much before, only practiced when he had time alone in the bathroom. Never could really get the hang of it before someone banged on the door. So it was practically a miracle he had pulled it off. It didn’t look too bad, it was minimal. But hell if he didn’t look like an overly clothed playgirl cover.

He grabbed his dorm key and headed out, instantly wishing he had brought a coat, shivering in the cold fall night weather. It was only around nine, an hour after the party started so he could assure he wouldn’t be the first one there, but it was freezing. The three blocks felt like three miles. But he could see the light and hear the party from his building.

It was crowded. Loud. Just like Pony had expected it to be. Bodies and booze everywhere. People locked at the lips and hips around every corner. Most definitely not his scene, yet.

Pony made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a red cup on the counter, filling it up with whatever mixture of the large glass bottles looked good. He lifted the cup to his lips and nearly had to sit it everywhere, it did not taste good. Maybe he should’ve listened when Two babbled on about everything he drank.

He made his way to a corner of the house, leaning up against it and sliding his eyes over the crowd. He must have looked really pathetic. Yet he still felt a pair of eyes burning into the side of his head.

“Hey” the man approached, leaning up against that wall far closer to Ponyboy than anyone ever had before.

“Hi” Pony replied, he couldn’t help but notice how the man looked a bit older than everyone else at the party. Pony assumed a few upperclassmen had to have come in hopes of looking for ‘fresh meat’. Hitting on freshman for the innocence factor. An easy lay.

“You’re wearing eyeliner” the man observed, his words striking bits of fear into Pony while his eyes darted around his face.

“Not a lot.”

“You look good” the man bit his lip and took a small step toward Pony. Which sent a completely different sense of fear into the very depths of him.

“Thank you, I haven’t really done it before” Pony cleared his throat and looked down at his drink, swirling the liquid around.

“Experimenting?”

Pony’s eyes snapped right back up, “maybe.”

The man tasted like some sort of drug Pony had never even heard of before, and he had no idea where his own drink had gone, not that he really cared. Pony wondered if as many people were staring at them as he pictured in his head. A thousand eyes on them like you feel when you’re alone in a dark room.

“Relax” the man chuckled, “what’s your name?”

“Ponyboy.”

The man froze and jerked his head away, eyebrows pushed together in amusement or confusion, “did your parents not like you or something?”

“My parents liked me perfectly fine” Pony objected, the feeling of uneasiness settling back into his gut, “what’s your name?”

“That’s the difference between us, freshman, I don’t kiss and tell” the man smirked and leaned in again.

Ponyboy wasn’t sure how long it lasted. Long enough that he could feel himself getting a second hand high, if that was possible. He pulled away but let his arms stay around my man's neck.

“You going home with anyone tonight, Ponyboy?” he asked, nipping at Pony’s earlobe.

“Wasn’t planning on it” Pony sighed and ran his hand through the man's hair, it felt a lot more coarse than it looked, nauseatingly so.

The man's breath felt like a furnace against his cheek, “you're not going to make me ask.”

“You're not even telling me your name” Pony scoffed.

He felt like the most naive person in the room. He knew exactly what was going on, where it was going. The same way he saw it happening in every single other corner of the hot room.

“No. But I’ll tell you something else,” the man pulled another breathy kiss from Pony before looking back into his eyes, almost predatorily. Pony took a moment to take in all of the man's features. For later, of course.

“Hmm? What’s that?”

“Your eyeliner is smudged.”

Pony smirked and hoped the darkness of the room hid the redness of his cheeks, “guess that’s what I get for experimenting.”

“Guess so, freshman.”

He went home alone, shivering so much he practically ran all the way back to his dorm. He was convinced his heart had never gone as fast in his whole life, he almost had to steady himself on the bathroom counter as he wiped off the rest of his eyeliner. What a way to live your first night actually alive.

Before getting into bed, Pony looked through his boxes until he found the one with all his art supplies for tomorrow. And he sketched the man the best he could from his memory. Making sure to add the pride in his eyes and the sourness of his lips. It came out nice. But no matter how it turned out, it would never be able to capture how he made Pony feel. The most uneasy kind of ecstatic.

-

Two weeks into school and Pony felt more free than he had in his whole life. He had made a few friends, two girls and a guy, but other than that he stayed pretty sheltered. Holed up in his room; studying, drawing, thinking. He never did see the man from the party again, for better or for worse.

There was a guy in his literature and writing that looked at him often, even asked to study together once. It wasn’t that he was bad looking or didn’t seem like a good guy, Pony just wasn’t sure if he was ready to date yet. Only a little over two weeks out from who he used to be. The man from the party was different. There wasn’t any promise there. There didn’t have to be. And he didn’t want to promise a version of himself that was yet to be finished.

Tulsa had beaten him and pushed him so tightly into the box they had all built for him, so tight he had little room to breathe anywhere. The very closest he could get to a full breath of air was the day he came out to Johnny. He couldn’t have been much older than thirteen, but he had known for a while.

‘Shit, Pony, I’ve seen your notebook.’

He remembered that notebook. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to think about his every lined page was filled with sketches of his brother's best friend. It was still painful to even think about; how pathetic he was and continued to be.

‘You're not dumb, Pony, you’re just young.’

And after Johnny died and the whole gang found out about him and Dally, everything changed. It went from Pony hiding his notebook in embarrassment, to him hiding it in utter fear.

Not that his brothers had reacted negatively. They just didn’t say anything at all. And that scared Pony more than the prospect of them hating him. He could deal with Darry yelling at him, he had for years, but the thought of neither of his brothers talking to him ever again? That was terrifying. That was the moment he started to plan to get the hell out.

Steve was lucky enough to get out a few years later. He didn’t even tell any of them that he had been applying to colleges. Just one day he was gone.

And from that day on, no one really talked about Steve anymore. Not even Soda, who cried the same way he did when Sandy had left him. It was like him and Johnny and Dallas had all just never existed, that Ponyboy was the only one to remember them. It almost got to the point where he wondered if he had imagined them sometimes. Imagined the boy with the big brown doe eyes that was always so much smarter than him. The blonde with the temper that seemed to only subside around one person. And his brother's best friend, who hated his guts, but who Pony couldn’t help to love.

The crush faded away over the years. He even got to know the kid Shepard brother pretty well (behind the bleachers and in bathroom stalls) but he was never really in love. He wasn’t sure he could love another person like that as long as he stayed in Tulsa. And as much as he loved his brothers, the day he got his letter of exception was the best day of his life.

He hated to see the pained looks on Darry and Soda’s faces when he told them, even though they were happy that at least one of them could have a future, like the one Darry had stolen from him. Still, no one seemed to understand why he needed to get out so badly. Why Tulsa held him back as much as it did.

He hated leaving Soda most of all. The same way Sandy and Steve did, but a bit differently of course. He hated abandoning his family and his friends. But as much as he hated leaving, he could never hate anything more than the version of himself that would happen if he stayed.

He wondered if that’s how Steve felt.

The campus library was probably one of the largest buildings on campus, and Pony spent nearly every minute in it. It was the perfect place to tuck yourself away in for a few hours and just work. Or think. Or draw. Just get whatever done you wanted to. That and the small diner on the come across from it were his favorite places now.

And that’s where he had been for the past several hours, working on ideas for his art classes first official project. ‘Use a new media to describe a new feeling’. He had no idea what he was going to do. He thought about using clay or nails or something more physical to represent how he first felt when he got to campus, but he figured a few other kids would be doing that as well and he didn’t want to follow the crowd already.

He drummed his pencil against his paper and noticed the slight sound of footsteps approaching. No one really came around the corner of the library where he sat, but it wasn’t unheard of, so he just minded his own business. Kept his head down and kept trying to think of what he could do for his project.

Then the footsteps stopped right in front of him, causing Pony to finally look up at the man, his hand carding through books on a shelf. And it took everything in Ponyboy to not let a single sound out.

Shit.

He felt as if he had been pricked with thousands of razor sharp needles at once all over his body, pulling and prodding at every part of him in the most uncomfortable sensation he had felt in his entire life. An ice cold fire spreading from the very core of him up and out until it felt like he was dying. And hell, maybe he was.

The man found the book he was looking for, pulled it off the shelf and looked down at it, before turning on his heels and walking back down like isle like he was the only person there.

It was only seconds but every foot step he took further and further away felt like hours. ‘Fucking do something. Say something.’

“Steve?” Pony tried to shout, but it only came out as barely a whisper, the words sticking to his tongue like they had dried there, “STEVE!” he called as loud as he could. So loud that it made the dark haired boy jump and turn around.

“The hell are you yelling about?” Steve snapped, clear he couldn’t see Pony well enough to tell who he was.

Pony’s knees and whole body felt weak as he pushed himself up and onto his feet, praying that he wouldn’t collapse into himself like he so badly wanted to.

“Steve, it’s-“

“Ponyboy” it came out breathless and weak, not exactly a question, but a way Pony had never heard his name said before. Especially not from Steve’s mouth.

“You follow me all the way here?” Steve looked around the library like somehow he would get in trouble if he was caught talking to Ponyboy.

Any and all words had completely escaped Ponyboy’s vocabulary at that point. He had no idea what to say. And even if he did, he was sure he would choke on the words if they came out. He hadn’t seen Steve in forever, but he recognized him instantly. He was shorter than he remembered, maybe cause Pony had grown, and a tad better looking, but he still looked the same. Same gap tooth smile and kinky black hair that hung around his forehead like the most tempting thing in the world.

Steve looked down at his backpack and notebook in surprise, “you go here?”

Pony didn’t understand how he would be so calm about this. Like he had seen him last Tuesday instead of nearly four years ago.

“Ponyboy?”

“Yeah.”

“You go here?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit, kid, you used to know a few more words than that if I remember correctly” Steve laughed. He laughed and Pony nearly died. The same laughed that echoed in his head for years and years. The same laugh that took him instantaneously back to Tulsa.

“I just haven’t seen you in forever” Pony mumbled.

“Yeah…. I wasn’t really planning on seeing any of y’all ever again” Steve winced and for a second there was a moment of sincerity.

“I could tell.”

“Shit. You’re not gonna tell Soda or anything, are you?”

Why was that his first question.

“Why is that your first question?” Pony shifted on his feet and slipped his notebook loosely into his backpack.

Steve smiled, “guess I ain’t too eager bout revisiting all that stuff.”

The hell was that supposed to mean?

“You left without saying anything, Steve, we all missed you.”

“That was kind of the point. Leaving without saying anything, I mean, I didn’t wanna get followed” Steve chuckled awkwardly and seemed to size Pony up, observing.

“I didn’t follow you” Pony rolled his eyes, “god you’re still such a dick.”

“You hardly know me” Steve smirked and began to walk away, tempting Pony to follow him. And he did.

“I’ll have you know, Steve Randle, that I had no idea you were at this school and if I did I would’ve never gone here!” Pony whisper shouted as he followed close behind Steve. He wasn’t even sure if that was the truth.

“Be a pity if you had to leave” Steve spoke, cocky as always, “what happened? Darry finally get rich?”

It was a bitter comment and he knew it. It was exactly why he said it. He wasn’t in the mood to be bothered and followed by the kid that grew up bothering and following him.

“I got nearly a full ride, prick” Pony hissed and followed Steve quickly down the stairs.

“Good for you” Steve sneered and continued walking like Pony wasn’t even there, same as always.

“Yeah, good for me. I worked my ass off.”

Steve whipped around and pointed a dangerous finger right into Ponyboy’s chest, “you implying I didn’t?” his voice was low and bone chilling, eyes narrowed and sharp.

Pony was taken back for a second, he hadn’t seen Steve like this in an incredibly long time. He had almost forgotten how terrifying he could be.

“I never said that. I'm just saying I got every right to be here too” Pony replied, his hands felt like they were on fire and for whatever reason he couldn’t get himself to look away from Steve’s eyes.

“I’ll have you know that don’t owe you shit, Ponyboy Curtis. I owe you nothing. Not an explanation. Not a conversation. Not nothing. So you can just stick your high and mighty dick right up your pretentious little ass and leave me the hell alone.”

Ponyboy had half the wit and mind about him to just turn the other cheek and walk the other way. Forget whatever was happening had happened and go on with whatever life he was making for himself five minutes ago. But he hadn’t changed that much.

“Fuck you, Steve” Pony spat and looked down at him with his fists balled tightly around the straps of his backpack.

“‘Fuck you’,” Steve mocked, “that’s rich. College teach ya that word?”

He hated him. He hated him so much.

“You know, I don’t owe you shit either, Steve.”

“Never said you did.”

“Good.”

And he was laughing again. His eyes clinking up and his stupid teethed smile showing all over again, and suddenly, Pony wasn’t mad anymore.

“What the hell are you laughing about?” Pony snapped, feeling humiliated about whatever joke he wasn’t let in on.

“Nothing” Steve continued laughing lightly and resumed making his way back down the stairs, leaving Ponyboy confused as ever at the top.

He wanted to follow him. He give him a piece of his mind and curse him out for the asshole he was.

“You coming?” Steve asked, he didn’t even turn back around. And begrudgingly, Ponyboy followed.

He followed him down the stairs and across the lobby and towards the two front doors. He hardly took note of the fact that Steve didn’t even check out the book.

Steve pushed the door open and waited for Pony to catch up, “you’ve got a mouth on ya now?”

“Always did. You’d know if ya bothered to talk to me” Pony wasn’t sure how to answer.

Steve grinned, “guess that’s fair.”

“Thought you didn’t wanna talk to me?” Pony asked confused.

“Can’t exactly ignore you when you’re chasing me around the library, can I?” Steve teased and turned the corner, crossing the street so that Pony had to jog to catch up again.

“I wasn’t chasing you.”

“You were definitely chasing me.”

Pony decided not to argue back, Steve was right. And it was pathetic. Ten minutes back and he was already quite literally chasing him, it was really pathetic.

“Where are you going?” Pony asked again, feeling like a stray at Steve’s feet.

“I’m hungry.”

Steve didn’t bother to hold the door to the diner open for Ponyboy this time as they walked in, and he b lined straight for a table at the back, like he knew exactly where he was going. It made Pony wonder how many times they could have been there at the same time, or similar times, without knowing it.

“You go here a lot?” Pony asked as Steve slid down on one side of a bench, beckoning Pony to sit down on the one across from him.

“Sometimes” Steve shrugged.

Pony just nodded and tried his hardest to look anywhere but Steve. To focus on anything but him.

“Are you wearing makeup?”

Ponyboy felt his whole body flashback to the night of the party two weeks ago. The feeling of hot bodies and the smell of strong alcohol.

“No” he lied.

“You expect me to believe that’s natural?” Steve laughed and leaned back in his seat.

Pony shifted uncomfortably, “it’s just eyeliner.”

“Just eyeliner? Shit,” Steve whistled lowly, “how long you been doing that?”

“Why do you care?” Pony challenged, wishing that that’s where the conversation would stop. He wasn’t in the mood for more reminders of Tulsa. Seeing Steve had already been the shock of a lifetime.

“Why are you so defensive?” Steve smirked.

“I’m not” Pony lied, again.

“You’ve always been a terrible liar, kid” Steve grinned and kicked Pony lightly under the table.

“I’m not a kid, Steve” Pony felt his face growing uncontrollably more red by the second. He hated that word and he hated the way Steve said it.

“Oh no, you’re clearly not. You’re wearing eyeliner” Steve teased.

Ponyboy didn’t respond, he just crossed his arms and turned his head away from Steve. Like a little kid throwing a tantrum.

“You said you got a scholarship?” Steve changed the subject.

“Yeah. For track and writing” Pony answered bluntly.

“Well that’s real good” Steve smiled, “I got me one of those too, for football.”

“You're on the team?”

Steve laughed again, “not anymore. Quit halfway through sophomore year. Nearly broke my hip, I’m not trying to die from kicking a ball once every few games.”

Ponyboy nodded, “yeah, I don’t think I wanna join the track team either.”

“Why not? Wanna focus on your art?” Steve taunted, but it was true. And Pony had a feeling that if he confirmed what Steve said, he would get made fun of even more.

“Just don’t wanna risk an injury either. Shits expensive” Pony fibbed and pulled his shirt down so it covered more of his skin.

“Damn right.”

The two of them continued to talk and catch up for the next hour. Pony asked Steve about his first two years there, and Steve did everything in his power to not talk about anything relating to Tulsa. Even shut Pony down real quick when he started to ask Steve if he missed anyone.

Steve didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to admit that he did miss it, as much as he didn’t want to. He missed getting drunk with Two and Dallas. Early morning talks with Darry after he crashed on their couch. Hanging out in the lot with Johnny. Goofing around at the DX with Soda. Hell, he even started to miss having the kid to push around sometimes.

Except Pony was right, he was far from a kid now. Not only did he have four or so inches on him, but he also had the fact that they had both gotten into the same college. Built the same future. Ran away from the same place. So maybe Steve was just starting to understand him. Or maybe he was mist starting to want to.

He had to go when he remembered plans he had made with a friend. Pony wasn’t sure if it was an excuse, he didn’t think it was, it didn’t feel like one. But still, something in him didn’t want Steve to go just yet. Like maybe he could hang onto just this one single small piece of Tulsa and that would be enough.

“Maybe you could give me your dorm number? And I could call you? So maybe we could meet up again” Pony suggested, trying to downplay just how badly he wanted Steve to say yes.

“Sure thing, kid” Steve mocked and took a pen from his backpack, writing his number down on a small piece of notebook paper before handing it back to Pony, “I’ll see you around I guess.”

And he was walking out the door. Leaving without saying another word all over again.

Pony walked back to his dorm, playing with Steve’s pen in his hands the whole time. It was like it had captivated him in the most bizarre way. There wasn’t anything special about it. It was just a pen. A black ballpoint pen with slight signs of teeth marks at the end of it and on the cap. It looked like every other pen in the world. But somehow Pony knew it was one that he couldn’t afford to lose.

When he got to his dorm, he was set on what his first art project would be.

‘Use a new media to describe a new feeling.’

He figured his teacher had no idea what medium he usually used, not that he used a pen often, or Steve’s pen that was. And the new feeling? That was even easier. But it was hard to explain.

Hard to explain exactly how seeing Steve again for the first time in years made him feel. Nervous. Excited. Scared. A strange sort of anticipation the second he laid eyes on him, a way that made him never wanna look away again, in fear that he might disappear once more. It was a new feeling alright. One of possession and eagerness in such a strong and compelling war that he could only think of one single way to express it. To draw Steve.

So that’s what he did. He used Steve’s pen to sketch him standing, facing away from him, carding through the books on the selves. The book that Pony was later able to observe as Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’, which came with its own set of questions.

Pony drew Steve’s narrowed eyes and his curly black hair. He let his pen outline ever part of Steve’s body and face and essence. The same exact way he did as a kid and into his teenage years. And there he was again. In the same exact position. Hunched over a notebook, trying to pull every detail from memory the best he could to create the only picture he really knew how. And hell if he wasn’t back in Tulsa again.

~

Ponyboy wasn’t sure how long it was okay to wait before he called Steve. He didn’t want to make it seem like he was so desperate to talk to him again that he scared him off the same way he did when they were kids. But after six days, the temptation was beginning to be just a bit too much. And he called him.

He was surprised when Steve picked up only after two rings, and for a split second Pony wondered if Steve was waiting as much as he was, with the same pit of worry and zeal deep down in his gut.

“Who’s this” Steve’s voice came through the phone. No greeting. No introduction. Nothing. Oddly fitting for him.

“Ponyboy.”

“Oh, hey kid. What’s up?”

“Just callin’, see if you wanted to meet up again sometime” Pony tried to ignore the way his leg bounced anxiously on the floor.

There was silence before Steve spoke up again, “I was planning on going to this party tonight down the street, but I don’t suppose that’s your scene”, Pony could practically hear his smirk from over the phone.

“That depends if you’re inviting me or not.”

“I am.”

“Alright then, sounds like fun.”

“Like fun?” Steve sneered, “since when did you like parties?”

“Since when do you know what I like.”

There was more silence and then Steve laughed a bit, “fair enough. I’ll meet you at the freshman dorm around nine? Yeah?”

Ponyboy caught himself before he could smile, “sure. I’m in room 123.”

“See ya later, kid.”

“See ya.”

Pony heard the line disconnect and he lowered the phone in near disbelief. This would’ve never happened back in Tulsa, not in a million years. He would’ve never called Steve Randle and Steve Randle would’ve never invited him to a party. He wouldn’t have even talked to him, let alone acknowledge his existence. But here they were, talking and making plans on the phone like old friends.

Ponyboy had around five hours to waste before Steve would show up, and he knew exactly how he would be spending it. Working.

He had really underestimated how much work there was in college. At least ten times the studying and the assignments. It was nothing like highschool, but then again he knew that. These last three weeks had been nothing like highschool, nothing like he had ever experienced before or ever even thought he would.

And he could hardly focus on any of his work, the only thing he was able to think about was Steve and any and all the interactions they have had or were going to. The fact that they even met there in the first place being absolutely preposterous, like something he would read in a novel when he was a kid.

He nearly thanked the universe when it was time to close his notebook and get ready, exercising the cramp out of his hand as he walked to his closet.

Over the past three weeks he was able to work on his style more. If you can really call tight short shirts and even tighter pants ‘style’. But it didn’t matter, he liked it. And he liked the fact that he knew his brothers probably would not.

And with that in mind, he pulled on a pair of dark black ripped jeans and a cropped loose hanging white shirt, running his hands through his hair with just enough product to make it fall the way he wanted it to, but not enough so that he was taken back to Tulsa again. He thought about what Steve had said at the diner. About his eyeliner. And he didn’t even give himself a second to think about it before he put on even more than the first time. Why the fuck not.

He was looking at himself in the mirror, trying to predict what could possibly happen, when he heard a knock on the door that made him jump.

Pony took a deep breath, hating the fact he was so nervous, before he made his way over to the door and opened it to see Steve standing there in a large black blazer jacket, an old light blue shirt, and a pretty normal looking pair of jeans. His hair styled in the same swirls Pony had known his whole life.

“The hell are you wearing, kid?” Steve asked, snapping his eyes away from Pony.

Pony rolled his eyes at the name, “clothes.”

“Ha ha, very funny” Steve mocked, “I mean, why so little?”

“We’re going to a party, aren’t we?” Pony argued, and it wasn’t like he was wearing anything that bad anyway. Maybe he and Steve just had different standards when it came to party attire or whatever you want to call it. It was basically the same thing he wore to the last one and no one seemed to bat an eye.

“Yeah, but you look like you're going to a common whore house” Steve laughed and started to walk down the hallway.

“And you’re a dick” Pony grumbled under his breath, following Steve anyway, “a complete fucking asshole.”

Steve turned around but continued walking, stupid smirk plastered on his face, “that the word of the week, Ponyboy?”

“Shut up.”

And he did. He hardly said a word to him the whole walk to the party, it wasn’t too far away, but far enough to make things a bit awkward. And when Steve noticed Pony was shivering in the cold, he just smirked.

As they approached the party, Steve finally turned to Ponyboy, “you know the rules, yeah?”

“Rules? How many times do I got to tell you I ain’t a kid no more” Pony growled and tried to push past Steve to the entrance but he grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

“That’s not what I mean. I just mean to not take any drinks or drugs from any strangers” Steve warned, convincing himself that it wasn’t that he liked the kid, it was just basic human decency.

“Oh, right” Pony responded, but Steve was already through the door and lost in the crowd. So much for going together, maybe he was too naive for thinking they would.

He made his way back to the kitchen and looked at the large assortment of liquor laid out in front of him, he usually wasn’t much of a drinker. Wasn’t too much of a fan of the way it made him feel, but he supposed it was a party after all, and it wouldn’t hurt.

“I like your shirt!” he heard a girl shout from across the counter. She had long dark hair and looked visibly drunk already.

Pony looked down at his first and then back up at the girl, “oh, thank you.”

“Don’t worry” the girl giggled with a cheeky grin, “I’m not hitting on you.”

Pony blushed, “thank you.” He honestly hated when girls hit on him. It always felt like too much of a chore to shut them down or come out to them. So he was very glad it was clear enough he wasn’t interested, even if he was probably being stereotyped.

“You want something to drink?” she offered and Steve’s words came back into his head. Don’t take a drink from a stranger. But he figured it would be alright if he watched her make it the whole time.

“Sure, whatever you think is good.”

The girl smiled and Pony watched her make and mix his drink before handing it back to him, “enjoy!”

“Thank you” Pony grinned and took a small sip. It wasn’t bad. Strong. Nothing like he had ever had before. But it was good, he supposed.

He made his way back into the main room where he already saw Steve grinding up against a girl. One hand on her hips, the other holding his beer in a tight fist. A wide smile spread across his face as the loud music blared throughout the room.

Pomy continued to watch for god knows how long. Watching Steve and the girl. Girls. Watching the way his body moved and how excited he seemed to become song after song after song. And Pony couldn’t help but feeling slightly jealous. It was easy to pinpoint the feeling, hard to admit.

He didn’t want to admit that he knew he wanted to be the one Steve was dancing so closely with. Feel his hands on his hips while he watched them on hers. He knew he wanted to be there, and he hated the fact he knew it. Almost as much as he hated it all those years ago.

It made him think about Evie and a few of those other girls Steve went out with. How he watched them kiss him and hated the stories he would hear afterwards. He hated every single touch and stare that wasn’t directed at him. And even if they were, he hated it even more.

He finished his cup. And another. And maybe a few more but at that point he had lost track of everything, including Steve.

Pony felt a hot breath against his ear, he tried to pay no attention to it. Maybe it was just someone who had gotten too drunk and too close. A stranger trying to warn him of a stain on his shirt or something.

“Didn’t think you’d be back here” the breath whispered, and Pony recognized the voice immediately, whipping around to face the smirking man.

“Didn’t think you’d be looking for me” Pony slurred and glanced from the man's lips to his eyes.

“I wasn’t. You just happened to be here” the man followed Pony with his eyes, “and i’m glad you are.”

“You are?”

Maybe Pony was dumb for hoping that he had looked for him the same way Pony had. Or even thought about him at all. Maybe it was juvenile to hope for, but he couldn’t help it.

“I am. You wanna dance?”

Pony thought about the offer for a second, “I don’t really feel like dancing”. All he could see were Steve’s hands and his brightly corrupted smile.

“You feel like doing something else?” the man smirked and leaned in close again so Pony could practically taste the alcohol on his breath.

“Depends what you got in mind.”

Ponyboy had no idea how he ended up in the man's bed. Chest heaving and mind racing. He couldn’t believe he had done that. It was not like him at all, not one bit. But he couldn’t help but thinking that maybe it was like the new him. The him that wasn’t scared to go to parties dressed like a magazine cover or go home with guys he had only met once before. If he were being completely honest, he was starting to like the new him. And he definitely liked the things new him could do.

“Are you ever gonna tell me your name?” Pony asked and looked up at the man laying besides him.

“I wasn’t planning on it, babycakes” the man punctuated his words with a tight squeeze of his hand around Ponyboy’s thigh.

“So this was a one time thing?” Pony felt stupid for asking, he already knew the answer. He had his first one night stand and was already begging to shove out the thoughts of regret that crept into his mind.

“A one night thing” he corrected and attached his lips back to Ponyboy’s neck.

~

Pony climbed the stairs to his dorm room, his head pounding exceptionally more with every single step. God, he should’ve listened to what Two Bit had said about hangovers, they were a real bitch. And every foot he got closer to his room, the more nauseous he got.

He reached the top and instantly was met with the cold unbreaking stare of someone sitting on the couch across from the stairwell's entrance. Shit.

“Hey there” Steve greeted him, face emotionless and voice empty of any sort of tone.

“Hey” Pony replied and began to walk right past him, making it Steve’s turn to follow him as he walked to his room.

“The hell were you thinking?” Steve scolded at a whisper while Pony turned open the lock on his door.

“What’re you talking bout, Steve?” Pony groaned and threw himself on his bed, not bothering to think about his dirty clothes or aching head.

“I was left waiting for you for four fucking hours before someone told me you left with Dylan” Steve hissed.

Dylan. Finally a name. But his head hurt too much to care.

Pony covered his face with his hands, “I’m sorry, Steve, I thought we were just having fun.”

“I didn’t think you’d go home with the guy!” Steve was nearly shouting at this point, which did not help Pony’s situation in the slightest, “I didn’t even know you were….”

“Gay? How the hell did you not know” Pony snorted and sat up.

“Pony. Look. I know you’re not stupid, alright? But why the hell did you go home with him. You know he sleeps with every little freshman who’s down for it” Steve spat.

“You sound like Darry” Pony rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Steve’s comment.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing” Steve scoffed, “he was only ever looking after you.”

“Had a funny way of showing it.”

“I’m just saying, Pony, you’re acting real stupid.”

Pony wanted so badly to ask Steve why the hell he cared. Why he cared about what Darry did. Why he cared about what he did and with who. Why he waited four hours at the party and another odd amount of time waiting for Pony in the dorms lobby. Why the hell he suddenly cared so much after not giving a single shit about him his entire life.

“So what if I am? I had fun.”

“Jeez, kid. You really bottomed out” Steve shook his head, not even thinking about his words.

Pony stifled a chuckle, “yeah, guess I did, Steve.”

“I meant what I said” Steve lowered his voice and tried to make eye contact with Ponyboy, “you’re real smart. Always been one of the smartest people I know. I don’t want you getting screwed over cause you didn’t use your head.”

There it was again. ‘You never use your head, Ponyboy’. He hated that phrase with a burning passion. He hated when Darry would say it to him. He hated when Steve would agree. But most of all, he hated when Steve said it himself.

“I use my head perfectly fine.”

“If ya did we wouldn’t be having this conversation and you wouldn’t have been drunk off your ass trying to impress some dumb guy.”

Pony laughed at that, “I wasn’t trying to impress no one.”

“I’ve never seen you drink before, Pony” Steve sighed, growing as tired of the conversation as Pony was.

“You haven’t seen me in four years, remember Steve? So maybe you might not be the best judge of my character” Pony sassed and kicked off his shoes, laying back down in his bed and turning his back to Steve.

“Maybe not.”

There wasn’t another word shared between the two of them before Pony drifted off to sleep. Steve couldn’t place a finger on exactly why he was so worked up, he never really could, but he guessed it was because he didn’t want Pony to be taken advantage of. Like a good friend. It felt weird to call him a friend. Not only with their history, it just felt weird. ‘Ponyboy Curtis, my friend’. Yeah, it was definitely weird.

Steve sighed and removed his jacket, placing it over Pony where he slept, like a makeshift blanket. He could have easily just pulled the covers up, besides the fact that Pony was laying on them all. But somehow it felt like the right thing to do.

He looked back at Pony, asleep on his bed, wrapped in his jacket, before he headed out the dorm room. Closing the door as quietly as he could and retreating back down the stairs and into the chilly outdoors of the early morning.

~

By the end of October, Ponyboy had done a total of six art projects solely based around Steve Randle. Paintings. Sketches. Oil pastels. Anything and everything had Steve’s face on it, or something or that sort.

He figured his teacher would be a bit tired of it, maybe even annoyed considering it was all he did, but he wasn’t. Instead he asked to talk to Pony after class a little bit.

“Ponyboy, I wanted to talk to you about your-“ he started.

“I know, I’m sorry. I know it’s all the same” Pony apologized and shoved his hands deep into his pockets to avoid fidgeting awkwardly with them.

“Oh no! Don’t apologize! I didn’t pull you out to harp on you, quite the opposite really” the teacher laughed and Pony instantly felt ten times less nervous.

“Oh.”

“Look,” he started, “I have no idea who he is, or what your relationship with him is like, but I can tell you that it’s some of the best artwork I’ve ever seen. You know how strongly I believe passion and a muse are the most important thing in art, natural talent comes second. And it seems like you have both, Ponyboy.”

Pony smiled awkwardly, “thank you sir.”

“You are very welcome young man, I look forward to seeing all of your future pieces” his teacher grinned and extended his hand for Pony to shake.

Pony could help but replaying the conversation in his head. Steve being his muse and all that. At least it didn’t really make sense, he was just expressing his feelings and a lot of his feelings seemed to be centered around Steve. So what? He was a reminder of every single good, bad, and in between thing in life. He was art himself, or at least Pony thought so. Beautifully complicated in his own way. What better to capture on canvas.

They had been hanging around each other a bit more since the night of the party, but because of that they didn’t go out much to places similar anymore. Steve introduced Pony to his friends, and Pony introduced Steve to his. They all went to do the typical college stuff together. Bowling. Sports games. Campus challenges. Steve even came to the ‘star wars’ movies showing with Pony, he found it boring beyond belief, but he stayed through the whole thing anyway. Needless to say, they were getting to be pretty good friends.

But Pony still couldn’t shake that feeling. That feeling inside of him that lit up like a fire whenever Steve smiled. Or the hollowed hole in his chest that only seemed to get bigger and bigger with every ‘date’ Steve and Pony went on. And despite the fact he was getting quite a few dates of his own, Steve was still all he could think about. Like the same stupid kid he was at fourteen. Slowly falling for someone so oblivious.

So when Steve asked if he had Halloween plans, Pony jumped at the chance, inviting Steve over right away. He wondered if he came off too desperate, he probably did, but when Steve agreed not even a full second later, something in him soothed. That maybe Steve wanted to spend as much time with him as he did too.

He shoved that thought away. The exact same kinds of thoughts he used to have when Soda took him with him to the rodeo or the dingo and Steve refused to acknowledge his existence. But now, Steve wouldn’t stop acknowledging his existence, and maybe. Just maybe. That hurt even more.

Still, Steve showed up at Pony’s door at seven o’clock sharp, dressing like something out of a low budget horror movie. And Pony, only half in costume, answered the door in complete shock.

“Didn’t know you were still such a fan of Halloween” Pony chuckled and let him in. He remembered how big of a deal the dumb holiday was to Soda and Steve, how they would always have matching costumes and look for every haunted house in town.

“It’s the one day a year you can scare kids and get away with it” Steve smirked and sat himself on Pony’s bed.

Pony laughed and shook his head, “you scare kids everyday.”

Steve peeled boredly through Pony’s literature studies notebook while Pony went to finish getting ready. Combing his hair back perfectly, making sure his make up was as accurate as possible, and even practicing the accent a bit. He wanted out of the bathroom to see Steve holding his notebook and instantly found relief in seeing the notebook was blue, not green. Steve could never get his hands on the green one. Yet he was still smirking like an idiot.

“Is this me?” Steve grinned and turned the notebook around so that Pony could see a tiny sketch on the bottom of the page surrounded by notes. Shit.

“Yeah, when I get bored in class I doodle, sorry” Pony explained and snatched the notebook back from Steve and placed it safely in his backpack.

“Don’t be sorry, that was really cool. You’re a real good artist Pony. You should draw me later” Steve teased.

Pony didn’t seem to get the joke, that or he didn’t want to, “well, we do have a project due for art class. Anything to do with Halloween. So I guess that could work.”

Steve raised his eyes in shock at Pony’s offer, “really? You’d really wanna draw me for class?”

Pony felt his cheeks fighting the instinct to go as red as they possibly could. If only Steve knew that he was the only thing Pony wanted to draw in art class. The only thing he had been drawing in art class. And he remembered his teacher's words again.

“Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind too much” Pony suggested.

“I wouldn’t mind it at all, holy hell” Steve scoffed and let his smile finally crack through again, and Pony had to write himself a mental note to draw it later on.

The two of them continued to get ready together and just share mindless jokes and banter for the next half hour, Steve still snooping around Pony’s room until he came out of the bathroom again.

“Pony, man, come on” Steve rolled his eyes in laugher, “that’s the gayest possible thing you could go as.”

“At least you can tell who I’m supposed to be. What are you supposed to be? A bridge troll?” Pony smirked, touching up his hair in the mirror, looking back at Steve who was none too pleased.

“Very funny” Steve uttered unimpressed, “I’m a zombie, dumbass.”

Pony turned around to look at him again, it made a little bit of sense. The ripped white shirt sprinkled with drops of cherry syrup, the dirty blue jeans, the dark makeup he let Pony layer under his eyes. And hell if his hands weren’t shaking the entire time.

He smirked and turned back to the mirror, “you look like an extra who was cut from the thriller video.”

“At least I don’t look like I’m asking for every guy in the entire world to come up to me for a little ‘rebel rebel’,” Steve taunted, which drew a snort from Ponyboy.

“Maybe that’s the point, Steve” Pony giggled.

Steve winced and turned away, he never really did like talking about the guys Pony went out with, “let’s just get going, yeah?”

It wasn’t a party, exactly, more like a dance. And Ponyboy was shocked to find out they still had dances in college, especially the fact that it was open to all grades.

There were huge speakers and lights lined up all along the soccer field. Tables decorated with Halloween themed snacks and drinks and everyone was dressed up out of some sort of horror novel. It was the most indescribable thing Ponyboy had ever seen as they walked onto the freshly trimmed grass, music blaring some creepy rock song.

“You promise you're not gonna ditch me this time?” Steve smirked and they made their way into the crowd.

“No promises, sorry Steve” Pony shrugged and began to jump along to the music.

He usually wasn’t one to dance, especially around so many people, but maybe there was a full moon or something that had gotten him in the mood.

“Come on Steve!” Pony begged, “i've seen you dance before!”

Steve shook his head and continued to watch Pony, “only when I’m drunk. I’m not drunk.”

“Get drunk then and dance with me!” Pony shouted and grabbed Steve’s hands, bouncing and dragging him around in a circle.

“Pony” Steve laughed but let him keep pulling him around the field, bumping into a few people along the way, but they were all just having too much fun to care.

After a few songs and Pony practically using Steve like a human marionette, they decided to take a break and wade over to the snack table to catch their breath and get something to eat.

Steve poured them a glass of punch, making sure they both got a few gummy eyeballs in each cup, and Pony took a handful of ‘scarily’ decorated cookies and shoved them in his mouth like a little kid.

“You’re really fucking weird” Steve chuckled and took a sip from his punch, it was far too sweet for his liking.

“Says that man that refuses to dance at a school dance” Pony pointed out and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

“Cause that’s not what Halloween is for” Steve groaned, “it’s for haunted houses and scary movies and making out with chicks.”

Pony laughed and took a sip from his own glass, “how bout this. How bout you dance with me for a few more songs, then I’ll go with you and we can do all that stuff” he teased Steve.

“Ponyboy Curtis? In a haunted house? That’ll be the day” Steve quipped.

“Guess we can just stay at the dance then….”

Steve sighed and gave in, “fine. Two songs.”

“Four.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“Deal.”

Pony pulled Steve back out until the middle of the field just as another song started to stream out from the speakers, pulling Steve to his chest and wrapping his arms around his chest. Steve had given in at that point and decided that maybe dancing with Pony wouldn’t be the absolute worst thing in the world, plus the smile on the kids face almost made him forget he was sober.

He wasn’t a bad dancer either, Steve that is. Ponyboy, however, had as much rhythm as a stick. But there wasn’t much mind to pay to that when Pony’s hands were on Steve’s hips and he could smell his freshly washed hair whenever they turned. He could never admit to it out loud, but part of him wished he hadn’t challenged Pony’s offer of four songs, because the three ended way too quickly.

When their last song had finished, Pony pulled away from Steve breathless and with a massive smile on his face, “see, Stevie? That ain’t so bad was it?”

“Absolute torture” Steve deadpanned and shoved Pony lightly in the shoulder.

“You can’t dance for shit, you know that right?” Pony teased and the two of them began to make their way to the path that led out of campus and down the street to where Steve had heard rumors of the seniors hosting a haunted house.

“You’re really gonna make fun of me after I agreed to do that with you? Damn. Last time I sacrifice my dignity for you” Steve shook his head and bit back a smile.

Pony’s lips turned upwards, “what dignity?”

Before Steve had a chance to respond, Pony took off running as fast as he could, leaving Steve dumbfounded behind in his dust, “little shit.”

Steve chased him down and only managed to catch up with him after a block and a half, he was surprised to see that Pony’s track training had held up that much. Because Steve was fast, but the kid was like the fucking flash or something, he could’ve sworn.

“You're still fast as hell, huh” Steve panted out of breath.

“And you’re still slow as hell” Pony grinned proudly.

Steve looked up at Pony, “remember this conversation when you’re screaming like a baby in a few minutes.”

They managed to find the haunted house everyone had been talking about, the line for it going about a third down the block and you could even hear the screams from the end of it.

Steve figured he would pay, it was the least he could do. Especially with the cover charge only being two bucks and Pony already hanging off his arm.

“You’re shaking like a damn girl” Steve laughed as they got closer to the front of the line.

“Shut up. I never did like scary things and you know that” Pony spat and threw Steve’s arm away.

“Exactly. Like a damn girl.”

Pony smirked at that, “maybe if I’m such a damn girl, you won’t mind holding my hand then.”

He could have sworn he saw Steve’s face go a shade darker, barely red under the street lights, “shut up.”

They finally got to the front of the line and Steve handed the girl in charge the money and she gave them both a ticket.

“You can go in now” she smiled as sweetly as someone dressed as Bloody Mary could, “I like your costume.”

“Oh” Pony blushed, “thank you.” He was never really good at taking compliments from girls, Steve observed.

The closer and closer they inched towards the haunted house the tighter and tighter Pony’s grip became on Steve’s arm. So tight he thought he might even lose circulation for a second or two.

“Calm down” Steve whispered a tad harshly when they stepped through the front door.

Pony’s grip instantly loosened up, “sorry, sorry!”

“It’s alright” Steve chuckled quietly, “I just would like to keep my arm, that’s all.”

Pony nodded and they followed the set path deeper and deeper into the house. Steve had to admit, it was pretty well done. Even a few of the jump scares and special effects had got him. But nothing as bad as Ponyboy, who was screaming like a banshee around every corner. It was so bad that Steve couldn’t help but laugh. And Pony practically collapsed when they got out.

“Jeez, you weren’t kidding were you” Steve laughed and noticed Pony’s hand was still holding tightly onto his.

“I can’t help it” Pony groaned and refused to look at Steve out of embarrassment.

“I’m just messing with ya” Steve chuckled and bumped Pony’s shoulder, “thanks for going with me.”

Pony’s smile returned back to his face, “sure thing, Stevie.”

Both of them were utterly aware of the fact their hands were still interlocked, but it seemed like neither of them cared enough to want to mention it nor let go.

“You wanna go back to your place now? We can watch a movie while ya do your art project” Steve offered and swung their hands lightly in between the two of them.

“What happened to the rest of your Halloween plans?” Pony asked.

Steve shrugged, “found better ones.”

And they walked the whole way back to the dorms hand in hand, not even caring about the biting winter air or the crisp wind that chilled both of them to the spine. They were both too immersed in their conversation and each other to care.

Steve slouched back on Pony’s bed and flicked through the channels on his small tv, “if I put on a horror, will you scream like a baby again?” he smirked and seemed to settle on something he liked.

“Watch whatever you want, Steve, I’m doing my art project, remember?” Pony smiled back and got out a few of his supplies, positioning himself across from Steve.

“Make sure you get my good side” Steve mumbled, already sucked into whatever was on the tv.

Pony grinned wider, “what good side?”

Steve didn’t hear the comment, because if he had he would’ve given Pony an earful, like he always did. Instead he stayed focused so tightly in on the screen, so much so that his eyes squinted and his jaw clenched. The only noise in the room being those of the tv which played quietly enough so that Steve could hear every time Pony lifted his pencil.

“You almost done?” Steve groaned after about twenty or so minutes, he never really did have a good attention span.

Pony shook his head but didn’t look up quite yet, “gimme two more minutes. Takes a long time to correct the imperfections.”

“Ha ha ha, you’re so funny” Steve uttered out and repositioned himself on the bed so that he was leaning on one knee, “just hurry up.”

Pony nodded and went back to work. Touching up and adding onto areas, erasing some and changing others, until he was sure he liked it at least half as much as the real thing. It had only been a few months of practice after years of retirement, but he was picking up on it again. He could draw Steve blindfolded.

“There. Done” Pony blew off the rubber eraser shreds from the page and held it back so he could take in the whole thing for himself. It wasn’t bad. Wasn’t bad at all.

“Lemme see then” Steve begged like he was waiting in line for some amusement park ride, not to see a small drawing his friend did for him. ‘His friend’.

Pony chuckled and tossed the sketch pad to Steve, who quickly snatched it up and turned it around, looking at it in all of its ‘1 am sketch’ glory.

“Wow” Steve pinched his brows together, which worried Pony for just a split second, “I look hot as a zombie. Is this really how you see me? Am I really that hot?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to answer that?” Pony shot back out loud. Because, how was he supposed to answer that? He thought he was drawing exactly what he saw. So maybe he was seeing something different. Or maybe Steve was. Or maybe it was them both.

Steve grinned and looked up from the drawing, “just a question.”

“I guess so” Pony shrugged.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve chuckled.

“Just an answer.”

Steve’s smile pulled tighter at his cheeks and his face softened once again, Pony liked it when that happened, “thanks, Pone.”

“Course” Pony thought and played with the pencil in between his two fingers, “I mean it too.”

“Didn’t know I was your type…”

Pony rolled his eyes, “come on, Steve. You can’t be genuine for once in your life?”

“I’m just messing around” Steve kicked at Pony’s chair lightly, “you grew into your looks too, kid.”

“Mhmm?”

“No I mean it,” Steve defended, “you look good. I can understand why all those guys are always coming in and out of your place.”

Pony winced and nearly fell out of his chair, “is that your attempt at a compliment?”

“Yes?”

“No offense, but it’s kinda a shitty one” Pony leaned back in his chair again.

“I didn’t mean it bad” Steve protested again, “I’m just saying. You’re doing typical freshman stuff. I don’t blame guys for being into it.”

Pony wished Steve would just shut his mouth before he made it even worse. He never had a good way with words, especially positive ones. He couldn’t give a compliment if his life depended on it, and Pony knew that. He shouldn’t have pushed him.

“Typical freshman stuff? The hell is that supposed to mean?”

Steve shifted uncomfortably on the bed, “I just mean like. All that guy stuff. Leaving with guys at parties. Inviting them back to your place. It all seems very…. stereotypical.”

Pony was taken aback, “stereotypical? Steve? You don’t have the ability to criticize me and whatever I do with whoever I please. And I don’t like you implying that I’m some sort of- some sort of-“ Pony stuttered for the words “male streetwalker. Or something.”

Steve pointed a finger at Pony’s chest, “now that’s not what I'm saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying” Steve sighed and spoke slowly, “you gotta be careful. That’s all.”

Pony scoffed, “you’re talking like you know from experience.”

“So what if I do?”

Pony’s eyes just about popped right out of his head. He almost scolded Steve for the unfunny joke before he spoke up again.

“I’m just saying. I got screwed over my freshman year cause I fell for a guy that was using me the same way… the same way I’d been used before. I don’t want you making the same mistakes. I left Tulsa and I didn’t have anyone to tell me not to get mixed up on shit like you are now. So, yeah, I am speaking from experience. And you might just wanna listen.”

Pony was at a loss for words. It was like he was being drowned in all this new information. Information he had thought about for nearly a decade. And now it all felt like a blanket. Covering him. Smothering him. Pinning on down in some sort of odd way.

“You’re gay?”

He cursed himself for the question.

“I’m not gay, and even if I was, your gaydar sucks ass, kid” Steve laughed.

Pony couldn’t help but to smile at that, “you’re not gay? But you said-“

“Forget what I said” Steve shook his head, “Tulsa made that shit more complicated than I could ever explain.”

“You could try?” Pony leaned forward in his seat, trying to give Steve his most comforting smile.

“I’m not trying to ruin your home, kid.”

“I’m not a kid anymore, Steve. And I think you’re forgetting that neither of us are in Tulsa anymore. For good reason.”

Steve nodded, like he understood what Pony was alluding to, “good.”

Pony cracked a weak smile. He wondered if he should ask the question that had been on his mind since he first saw Steve. Since he first left.

“Why did you leave, Steve?”

“Fuck” Steve left out breathlessly, “that’s a rather long and messy story.”

Pony got up and sat himself down next to Steve and turned to him so he could give Steve his full attention, “I have time.”

Steve chuckled lowly and shoved Pony lightly, letting himself stay leaned up against him. Shoulder to shoulder. Like any more touch than that, would be far far too much. But never enough.

“Well, I lied. I didn’t fall for a guy as a freshman. It was back on Tulsa” Steve picked at his nails while he spoke, “it ain’t no one you knew. Random guy a few years older than me that came by the DX a few times.”

“Oh” Pony let out. He had no idea. Not one clue.

“Yeah. I was way more in it than him, though” Steve explained, and hell if Pony didn’t understand that, “long story short, rumor got around he was gay. A couple guys jumped him real bad. I walked on eggshells for the whole month on that. But nothing happened. Didn’t even see him again. I figured that shit is too… fragile… in Tulsa.”

“Did Soda know?”

“Probably. If he did, he never said anything. But he sure treated me like it. Guess that’s why he never looked for me or anything. Did he look for me?”

Pony’s silence was a good enough answer for the both of them.

“I think he knew then” Steve laughed, a tad bitterly. It made sense though, Pony would’ve been bitter too. Hell, maybe he was.

“Did you love him?”

“I thought I did.”

Pony nodded.

“You see what I mean? You don’t know nothing when you’re young” Steve advised and flicked Pony’s knee in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“To be fair, you were younger than me” Pony smirked awkwardly.

Steve’s head snapped to Pony, “you missed the whole point of that, didn’t you?”

“No, I got the point.”

“Good. Because I don’t want you to get hurt” Steve turned his head back to the tv and leaned it against Pony’s shoulder, his hair tickling Pony’s neck.

“I know how to handle myself” Pony sighed. He knew the only way he was going to get hurt was if Steve lifted his head anytime soon.

Steve shook in laughter and Pony felt his whole body shake with him, “I said the same thing.”

“You gotta stop acting like you’re so much older than me, Steve” Pony let his head rest against Steve’s.

“I don’t” Steve whispered, “trust me. I’m very aware of how old you’ve gotten, Pony.”

Pony turned his head slightly so he could look down at Steve, “what’s that mean?”

“It means shut up and watch the movie with me. It’s Halloween and you made me a promise, sides, I’m sick of talking bout sad shit” Steve grumbled and traced his fingers along the back of Pony’s hand resting in his lap.

“It don’t gotta be sad shit” Pony giggled, fixated on Steve’s fingers.

“Just shut up and watch the movie with me?”

“Alright, I’ll shut up.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Steve.”

~

Ponyboy didn’t even go back home for hanukkah. That was when Steve first started to notice exactly how bad Tulsa had fucked him up as well. After their conversation on Halloween night, more of their shared experiences had fallen and slipped through the cracks. Although they never discussed it at depth again, they didn’t need to.

And when New Years was coming up and the whole campus was buzzing with students who were too lazy or too pissed to go back home, so Steve and Pony were there too.

Pony had made a deal with a few of his friends to dress up for the fireworks party some rich senior girl was hosting off campus. Somehow they had landed on a weird version of ‘a league of their own’. Which involved a lot more, or less maybe, than Steve had expected. But he did say anything. It never got him anywhere, not that he really wanted anything other than to mock Pony.

“You look ridiculous.”

It got to be a common theme for them. Even when they spent the rest of the holidays together. Eating whatever campus called ‘turkey’ or ‘eggnog’. It was unrecognizable, but that was expected. It was still a lot more fun than they had expected.

Never in a million years did they expect to become such close friends. To spend nearly every day together and share almost every memory. It was almost like Tulsa never existed. Almost.

The night was freezing and somehow Steve had finally convinced Pony to wear a small jacket.

‘I’m not going to another funeral.’

Some friend he was. But Pony didn’t mind his dull and precise sense of humor anymore, he was something he learned to appreciate more that he was older. That Steve was the only person in his life that seemed to be one hundred percent honest one hundred percent of the time. It was something Pony wished he had.

“How are you not freezing?” Steve shivered.

“It’s not even that cold” Pony lied and leaned onto the railing looking over the streets that lead to and away from campus. Everything looked so much more beautiful in the snow. He looked over to Steve, just to confirm that theory.

“Have I ever told you that you’re a lousy liar?” Steve laughed and followed Pony’s eyes out and over to the freshly falling snow.

“A few times” Pony blushed, “you know, it’s the first new years I’m spending outside of Tulsa. First actual firework show.”

Steve smiled, “you’ll love it. If you like sunsets, you’ll love it.”

Pony remembered the way his chest almost exploded the first time he realized Steve still remembered that about him, “don’t get my hopes up too much.”

“I’ll make it up to you, somehow, if it’s not” Steve grinned and shivered even more when he felt their arms brushed together.

“You better” Pony flinched his hand unconsciously towards Steve’s, “how long until countdown?”

Steve looked back at the clock, “two minutes.”

“Pretty lame end of the year, huh?” Pony laughed.

“I’d say this year has been anything but lame” Steve pointed out and poked at Pony’s hand so he understood what he meant. And he did. Lame was the worst possible word to describe anything that had happened in the last few months.

“You’re right” Pony grinned and pushed back at Steve’s hand.

“But I apologize if I have made your night so unbearably boring, Ponyboy” Steve taunted, his smile shining even brighter among the slowing snowflakes.

Pony shrugged, “it’s alright, I’m used to it.”

Steve let out a small laugh at Pony’s teasing. Usually he wouldn’t just hit him right back, but somehow Pony was glad he couldn’t. So he could find himself lost in Steve’s laugh like some sort of winter wonderland. He laughed at himself.

“You know what else? Thought it would be my first year to get a kiss when the clock hits twelve” Pony admitted, wanting to eat his words the second they came out.

“Oh yeah?” Steve looked up and over at Pony, sly look on his face like he had read too far into Ponyboy’s words, just like he had wanted, “no ones ever kissed you happy New Years before?”

“Nah, got close one year, but. You know. Sodapop” Pony laughed, remembering the time Soda walked in on him and Curly watching the fireworks from the Curtis’ front porch

“I know” Steve nodded, beaming.

Pony smirked back again, practically begging. ‘Ask me’. ‘Please just ask me’.

“Sucks” Steve smirked.

Pony could've sworn that for just a second, his heart sank. But he wasn’t that pansy.

“You suck” he whispered, and he didn’t care if Steve heard.

Steve’s lips twisted even more upward as another silence fell between them. As light as the snow that sat on Pony’s eyelashes and Steve’s coat.

“Ten!”

Steve’s hand twitched.

“Nine!”

Pony noticed.

“Eight!”

‘Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. Don’t lo-‘

“Seven!”

He looked over at him.

“Six!”

Steve was looking back.

“Five!”

Pony felt his insides burning up.

“Four!”

He wondered if Steve felt the same way he did.

“Three!”

He hoped Steve felt the same way he did.

“Two!”

Steve’s eyes flicked over Pony’s face as slowly as possible.

“One! Happy New Years!”

Pony took a deep breath, “Steve?” he shouted over the cheers and screams that erupted all over the rooftop.

“Yeah?” Steve yelled back, leaning in closer to Ponyboy to try and hear him better.

Pony didn’t say another word, instead he pulled Steve in with both hands on either side of his face, planting a kiss right on his lips. He pulled away after a second, not satisfied, never satisfied, but scared.

Then he felt Steve’s hand snake around and into his hair, pulling him back to his lips. An eruption of fireworks not only went off in the sky above, but throughout every limb of both of their bodies. Hands like fire, melting away any façade that has plagued them both back. Lips like the sun, giving life to every part of them.

Nothing Pony had ever imagined could compare to the reality of it. The perfection and sheer obligation of everything he had thought about for years. And then it was over. The noise of the world returned.

“You know” Steve’s breath was warm against Pony’s cheek, “I was planning on kissing ya anyway. You didn’t have to do that.”

Pony blushed lightly, “then why didn’t ya?”

“Wanted to see if you had the balls to do it yourself” Steve shrugged and his hand fell from Pony’s neck, and he felt cold again. Colder than he ever had.

“And?”

“And you did, congrats.”

Pony rolled his eyes, “thanks.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

Oh.

~

Neither of them talked about the kiss for months. Not one mention. They both just continued on like usual. Starting the new semester busy as ever. Fielding their own Valentine’s Day plans. Still, neither of them talked about the obvious tightly wound string between them. Like if they even thought about it, it would snap. And everything would be over. Over before it even began.

Pony still did every art project on Steve. His very first one of the semester being of their kiss. Well, not so obviously exactly. But it was there. It was Steve standing, leaning on the banister, smiling out of the canvas. Same gap tooth smile that made up his wicked grin. His teacher said it had been his best piece yet.

There were another few pieces scattered out over the months. One for the time Steve fell asleep in his room and Pony drew him while he slept. One for when Steve would touch his hand or lay his hand over Pony’s thigh. Even one for the look Steve would get in his eye after Pony got cheeky with him. It was so dangerously visible, he didn’t know how Steve couldn’t see it. Or maybe he could, and he just didn’t want to.

And he most certainly never pictured himself at another football game after leaving Tulsa, not until Steve asked him. Practically begged him to go to one. He insisted on buying him whatever he wanted to eat and to stick by his side the whole time. Almost like a proper date.

By kick off Ponyboy was already bored, “I’m hungry.”

“Dude” Steve laughed, “the game hasn’t even started yet.”

“Hey now” Pony lifted a finger to Steve’s lips, effectively shushing him, “you made a promise.”

Steve sighed deeply and pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, “I know, I know, come on.”

He got up and Pony followed him down the bleachers steps and into a rather long line that Pony assumed led to the food court.

“Do ya still like Pepsi?” Steve asked and tried to look around the line.

Pony smiled, he liked when Steve remembered the small details about him, “it’s my favorite.”

“God” Steve related, “how basic.”

“I ain’t basic!” Pony gasped, surprised he had fallen for Steve’s words after practically a whole year of conditioning.

“No, Ponyboy, you are far from basic” Steve grinned wickedly as they moved up in line.

Steve ordered Pony a large soft pretzel with cheese and a medium Pepsi, and he even got himself a pack of hot tamales, Pony briefly remembered his affinity for the horrid candy.

“How can you eat those?” Pony questioned once they had begun to walk away.

Steve popped open the cardboard tab and shook a few in his hand, throwing them into his mouth, “simple. I chew, then I swallow.”

Pony shoved his shoulder lightly, “of course only you would enjoy the most indecent food in the world.”

“That’s quite rude of you, Ponyboy, you’ve upset me” Steve fake frowned, “I bet you’ve never even had one.”

“Damn right, I have standards” Pony teased as they walked back up the steps to their seat.

“Is that why you’re hanging out with me?” Steve retorted, “just try one. For me?”

Pony looked down at the small red beans in Steve’s hand, “just one.”

He reached down and grabbed a single candy, putting it on the tip of his tongue like it was poisonous.

“So?”

Not bad, thought Ponyboy, “absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever had.”

Steve let out a huff at Ponyboy’s stubbornness, “liar.”

Pony just shrugged and took his seat with a big smile on his face, he wouldn’t let Steve win such a stupidly small argument, even if it meant he had to tell a little white lie.

“That pretzel is as big as your head” Steve gripped and ripped off a small piece of it, dipping in it Pony’s cheese and shoving it in his mouth like he had never been taught manners.

Still, Ponyboy laughed, “I know you weren’t raised in a barn, so how come you act like it?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Steve smirked, “I’m perfect.”

“Mhmm” Pony chuckled and reached his hand up to use his thumb to wipe off the cheese that was on Steve’s cheek, “perfect is one word for it.”

Steve rolled his eyes and grabbed Pony’s wrist, pulling his thumb to his mouth so he could lick the cheese off, making Pony nearly gag at the horrid gesture, “the only word for it.”

“Disgusting” Pony groaned and wiped his hand on Steve’s shirt, trying to get all of his spit off to not much avail.

“Disgustingly perfect?” Steve grinned stupidly, making Pony want to kiss him and shut him up again.

Alternatively, he just ignored him and took another bite of his pretzel, careful to lick all the cheese off of his lips in case Steve wanted to try something.

“You’re no fun” Steve groaned and messed up Pony’s hair, which he knew he had spent practically an hour on.

“I’m tons of fun, you just took me to a football game” Pony tilted his head at Steve.

“What’s the difference between track and football?” Steve asked, “both must sweaty men running around. Though that would be right up your alley?” Steve elbowed Pony in the side.

“Ha! You’re hilarious!” Pony laughed sarcastically, “a down right comedian.”

Steve just grinned wider and more proud, stealing another piece of Pony’s pretzel, “thank you.”

The first half of the game was painfully long, and even if Steve was right, they were too far away to actually see anything good. Plus, he just had no idea what was going on. Sure he had never missed one of Darry’s games, but it didn’t mean he had any clue of who was doing what and why. The whole thing seemed so pointless to him. At least track was simple. Easy. And on top of that, he had finished his pretzel and his soda.

“Steve, I’m so bored” Pony complained and threw his head back for dramatic effect.

“You’ve said that three times now, Pone” Steve sighed but didn’t take his eyes off of the game.

Pony frowned, “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Steve barely nodded to acknowledge that he had heard him before Pony had gotten up and made him way back down past the food court to where he saw the bathrooms were. Pushing the door open and walking up to the urinals on the wall.

Pony finished up and made sure to wash his hand extra well, god knows who else has used this bathroom. Especially with all the things he has seen today.

He walked out of the bathroom and was too busy wiping his wet hands on his shirt to realize he was walking right towards someone, and slammed into them head first. Nearly scaring the daylights out of him.

“Oh! Sorry” Pony apologized instantly, looking up to see who he was probably about to get cursed out by.

“No worries” the light blonde hair boy smiled, and Pony would be lying if he said the boy didn't have a lovely smile. However, it still had nothing on Steve’s. “Where are you going, good looking?”

Pony rubbed his arm awkwardly, he could tell that the boy wasn’t very used to flirting with strangers, “back to my seat.”

“Are you here with anyone?” the boy pried, and if Pony could admit to one thing, it was that at least he was bold.

“Yeah” Pony answered honestly, a smile playing at his lips.

“Anyone important?” he smirked and looked Pony up and down. He was attractive; light freckles and green eyes, but not exactly Ponyboy’s type.

Pony blushed, “I’m afraid so.”

“Well then” the boy seemed unphased and reached into his backpack for an index card and a blue pen, “call me if that changes.”

Ponyboy waited while he wrote his number down on the card and handed it to him, his fingers lingering just for a second on Pony’s.

“I’ll see ya around.”

“See ya” Pony smiled politely, he appreciated the offer, but he knew he would probably never use the number.

Pony folded up the small index card and made his way back to the bleachers, pushing by and past people until he got to where Steve was seated and sat back down.

“What’s that?” Steve pointed at the small piece of paper Pony was still holding.

Ponyboy shoved it into his pocket, “nothing. Just a number.”

“A phone number?”

“No, Steve, Avogadro's number” Pony laughed.

“Who’s Avogadro? You just meet him?” Steve pressed on, his questions each growing with intrigue.

Pony laughed again, “that was a joke” he explained, “just a guy I met outside the bathroom. I don’t know his name.”

Steve lifted an eyebrow, “guys really just go around giving you their number like that? And you just take it?”

“Don’t know” Pony shrugged, “it only started happening since I moved out here.”

Steve scoffed, like he was in on some joke Pony wasn’t, “now I know that ain’t true.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means” Steve started, “that people have been all over you ever since I met you.”

“Have not” Pony insisted.

“Have too. You’re trying to tell me that Curly Shepard kid wasn’t chasing your ass for years?” Steve smirked and threw another hot tamale into his mouth.

“How was I supposed to know that?!” Ponyboy protested.

“Exactly. You’re too oblivious to it all” Steve laughed, “you know, you couldn’t gotten just as many girls as Soda did. Well, you know, if you were into girls.”

Pony chuckled and looked over at Steve, “you say that like you weren’t a ladies man too.”

Steve smiled proudly, “oh, don’t get me wrong, I was a major ladies man. I’m just saying, you could’ve had way more dates if ya just opened your eyes.”

“I didn’t really want any dates” Pony mumbled, thinking about how painful it was to see Steve on them.

“Gee,” Steve shook his head, “you’ve really changed.”

“Look,” Ponyboy crossed his arms, “I’m not gonna call him. I’m not interested.”

“Why not? Not into anything that lasts more than a night?” Steve smirked, probably not meaning any harm by his words. But if only he knew.

“Bold of you to be talking. Like I’ve seen you on one single date since we started being friends” Pony cringed internally at the word.

“Aint looking for any, I’m happy with what I got right here.”

~

Him and Steve continued to spend every day together after that. Not only that they enjoyed each other’s company, but it was the best company around. And neither of them thought about wanting to replace a single memory for a second. Well, not replace. But maybe change the outcome of a few.

It was a thought that Pony shoved away often. He was getting well used to shoving away thoughts of Steve or Steve not thinking of him. If only he knew that he never left Steve’s mind. Both there like concrete statues crafted by gods too narcissistic to admit to themselves that they were falling…

“In love? I don’t think I would say I’m in love with it. It’s a good song” Pony defended and continued to fiddle with the small radio that sat Steve’s bedside. His room wasn’t too messy, but it wasn’t clean.

“Mhmm, sure” Steve teased and picked at his nail polish, something he had given into letting Pony do on multiple occasions. He didn’t know why, he just let him. He let Ponyboy do practically anything.

“It is! If you got your head out of your ass for more than ten seconds then maybe you would know that” Pony slapped Steve’s hand away so he would stop picking at it.

“You know what’s a good song?”

“Hmm?”

“I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher” Steve smiled proudly while Pony winced.

“You’re messing with me? Yeah?” Pony laughed, he could never imagine to Steve listening to that kind of song no matter how hard he tried.

“Nah, honest. My mom used to play it for me all the time when I was a kid. She used to dance around the kitchen with my old man, sing it. She sounded like a dying bird-“

“I see where you get it from.”

“Shut up” Steve beamed, “she sounded like a dying bird. But the prettiest dying bird I ever did hear. Every Sunday she’d do it.”

Pony’s face softened. Steve never talked much about his mom. Or anyone for that matter. But he never looked more at peace than when he was thinking about her.

“Then she would look at me and say, ‘you see this, my little Prince Charming? One day when your wife asked you to dance, you say yes. You always say yes’,” Steve continued, “my dad hated it, or at least he pretended to, but I’ll always remember that.” Steve scratched at his arm awkwardly.

“Is that why you don’t say you’re gay?” Pony asked genuinely, seeing the look in Steve’s eyes.

“Maybe” Steve answered just as honestly, “she would always say those things to me, though. ‘Stevie, you make sure you get yourself a wife who can cook, I want my boy taken care of’. ‘Stevie, when you propose, you use my ring’. ‘Stevie, you’re gonna make some girl really happy one day. Happy like your father and I’.”

Steve clenched his fist up at the last one.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t make someone happy” Pony bit his tongue.

Steve nodded, “I know. I can live with my old man's resentment. I’ve been living with it my whole life. But I can’t live knowing my mama would be disappointed in who I am.”

His words struck Pony deeper than he even knew. Deeper than he could even comprehend.

“I think she would be proud of you” Pony comforted.

“You think?”

“Yeah” Pony confirmed, “you made something of yourself. You got out of Tulsa and are in college, Steve. That’s as good as you can get. Trust me, I know. She would be proud of you. I’m proud of you.”

Steve smiled gently, “thank you, Ponyboy. Your folks would be real proud of you too.”

“They were proud of Darry” Pony correctly with a laugh.

“And what does Darry got that you don’t?”

The answer sat there like rotting meat.

“Well” Steve spoke up again, “I’m proud of you and that's all that matters.”

Pony blushed, “thanks, Steve.”

“No problem. And I really do mean it, you know” Steve complimented sincerely, “you’ve always been the smartest person I knew. Even when you were a kid.”

Pony could hardly believe that even now, Steve had something to compliment him about as a kid, “really? You say that a lot.”

“Yes, really. You know, the appropriate response is, ‘thank you, Steve. You’re smart too’,” Steve chuckled and tickled his fingers lightly up Pony’s sides.

Pony shoved his hands away yet again, “you know you’re smart.”

“Yeah, but I want you to know it too” Steve looked down at the floor. Looking anywhere but at Pony when he said it.

“Why?” Pony asked, probably more confused than he had ever been. Since even did Steve start to give a single fuck what he thought about him.

“Cause” Steve finally made eye contact, “you’re the closest thing I got to a best friend.”

There that word was again. Friend. Pony hated it. He hated it more than any other word. Maybe even more than whatever word you would use to describe the relationship they had in Tulsa. Being Steve’s friend. No. Just, being Steve’s friend, was torture. Every syllable and every letter felt like a punch to the gut.

“That’s it?” Pony couldn’t help but to ask. It couldn’t be just him that was imagining it. He couldn’t have made it all up. Not the kiss, or the hand holding, or the glances. If it was all in his head, he was crazy.

“What do you mean?” Steve furrowed his brows. Either completely oblivious or pretending to be.

“You know damn well what I mean” Pony stiffened his tone, lowering it to the point of threat.

“Ponyboy-“

“Don’t play dumb, Steve” Pony practically begged. Like the exacerbation of the entire year, the whole cat and mouse game, was finally catching up to him. Every stolen glance and every ‘accidental’ touch. The dam had broken.

Steve didn’t say anything, he knew Pony was right. He had been for a while now, and Steve just didn’t want to admit to it. He wasn’t ready to speak yet, he hadn’t allowed himself too. He hadn’t let his mind wander through all the ‘what if’s’ or ‘buts’ like Pony had, he was too scared too.

“At least say something.”

Steve looked back down at his hands, “I’m sorry.”

Sorry? Pony damn near couldn’t believe his ears.

“What for?” his words came out with the same bite they did at fourteen.

“Look,” Steve took a deep breath, trying to deescalate the situation in any way he could, “it can’t be like that.”

“Why not?”

Why not was a good question, yet Steve couldn’t think of one single acceptable answer, “I don’t know, it just can’t.”

“Typical” Pony scoffed and folded his arms in anger, he never intended to rile himself up so much, but he couldn't help it. Just sitting there looking at first intentes lies come out of Steve’s both, he saw every word in a dark red bold.

Steve’s head whipped around, “the hell you mean ‘typical’, Ponyboy Curtis? Cause I know you’re not implying that I’m the only one running from shit here.”

“You don’t know anything bout how it was for me” Pony started, feeling his voice raise along with his anger levels.

“Living in Sodapop’s shadow? Don’t know. Try me” Steve’s words came out cold and calculated.

Pony’s gut stirred, “how long have you been holding that one in for?”

“I’ve been carrying that around with me my whole entire life” Steve hissed and Pony say every bit of his old reputation coming out. Every broken bottle and bruised eye.

“You’re not the only one” Ponyboy claimed, grabbing tightly at his shirt, anything to ground himself again, nothing was seeming to work. He felt like he was losing it.

Steve cracked his knuckles, something he did often when he was upset or stressed, “when have I ever said I was? We’re the same, Ponyboy.”

Pony shook his head with a bitter laugh, “we are not the same, friend.”

The word was beyond tainted coming out of Pony’s mouth, like the new set of lips added an extra layer of poison.

“That’s not fair” Steve warned sternly.

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Then tell me, Steve, what is?” Pony asked, and he would wait all day for the answer if he had too, “what is it?”

“Complicated.”

The word was bitter. Accurately bitter. Because what was more complicated than this moment, Pony thought. He didn’t think it could get any more complicated than they were back in Tulsa. When they hated each other’s guts for just existing. But now, here they both were, sitting in Steve’s dorm room, hating the fact they didn’t hate each other. Not at all.

“Life’s complicated, Steve” Pony unclenched fists and wiped his hands on his jeans, about ready to push himself up and go.

Steve snorted, “you don’t think I know that? Who do you think I am?”

“I know you better than you know yourself.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so.”

“Then tell me, Pony. Who the hell am I? Since you so clearly know everything bout everyone” every word dripped with a venomous sting.

“Scared.”

Scared of everything, is what he wanted to say.

“And you aren’t?”

“No. Not anymore.”

It was true. He hadn’t been ‘scared’ scared in a really long time. Not since he left Tulsa and didn’t have anything to be so scared of anymore. But Steve seemed to be scared of his own name. Even more so, Ponyboy’s.

“If you’re not just as scared of me then how come you haven’t said shit either, huh? You’re acting like I’m the only one ignoring whatever is going on” Steve waved his hands in the air like it was proving his point.

Pony let out a shaky breath, desperately trying to hold back the tears that welled up in his eyes, “you want me to say it? You really want me to?”

“You’re too scared to” Steve dared him, leaning forward so his words drove right into the very core of Pony.

Ponyboy narrowed his eyes, his mind racing with a million thoughts in just one second. The pinging and plunging of his heart being any indication of what he was about to do.

“I’ve been in love with you since I was a kid, Steve” Pony spoke in the most level voice he could, “now are you scared?”

Steve was speechless. He opened his mouth but not even the start of a word came out, not even the thought of one. He had dared Pony to say it, and he said it alright. He said it for every single second they had spent together and even more so for every second they spent apart. For their kiss on the rooftop. For the first time Pony saw him at the library. For when he found out Steve had left. For when he first saw him.

“I hate loving you, Steve Randle” Pony snarled and let his hand fall to the ground. Even though he had quit smoking, he had never felt the need to more in his life.

They were both silent for a minute. The weight of Pony’s words sitting on their shoulders like led.

“I almost forgot you like your life like a fairytale.”

“And I’ll never forget that you’re too scared to live yours at all.”

And with that, Pony forced himself up and out Steve’s door, slamming it behind him. Trying to regain any strength he was losing every step he took further and further away. Then he froze. He looked back at Steve’s door, only a few feet away, reaching out for the doorknob, but then stopped himself. Waiting for Steve to open the door first, like a fairytale.

He hovered there, waiting to see the doorknob turn or shake or anything. But nothing happened, and every second that passed, his heart sunk deeper and deeper into the ground.

Both their hands fell by their sides at the same time. Pony turning around and walking down the dorms hall straight towards the exit, Steve turning and sitting back down on his bed. His chest shaking and his eyes darting frantically frightened around the room. The song coming to a scratching stop.

Ponyboy didn’t go straight home, he wanted to, but instead he stopped by the small shop in between the two of their dorms. Buying a pack pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lighting one up before the store door behind him even had a chance to shut.

And when he got back to his room, he used the ash to paint one final portrait.

~

The two weeks they didn’t talk where they slowest two weeks of both their lives. So painfully empty and lacking that Pony almost gave in, ran to Steve’s door knocking at the middle of the night. But he didn't. He knew Steve didn’t mean it the way he did, but he knew he should’ve listened. Should’ve listened when Steve told him his heart would end up broken. Only he was the one to actually do it.

Setting up for his art showing was one of the most painful things. Having to look at and hang up every single piece he had done. Steve staring back at him in every one.

His teacher said they all looked amazing, he had ever given Pony the biggest spot at the showcasing. He went as far as asking Pony if, with his skill, this was the right school for him. And honestly? He was starting to question it. He was starting to want to change schools. Run again. Go back to who he was in Tulsa. But Darry had worked too hard and Pony had let himself be too afraid for too long.

However, on the day of the showcase, he let himself be nervous. Putting on the nicest outfit he could find, in order to not scare off the patrons too much. But still applying just a bit of eyeliner, anything to remind him to hang onto the parts of himself he had started to realize were slipping away. The parts he worked so hard to build up and nurture. He wasn’t going to let that happen.

So he held his head high and answered every question from anyone who came by.

Some questions were harder to answer than others. Like his motivation. His muse. His source. Still, he answered to the best of his ability. Yet again feeling his heart strings being plucked dull with every; ‘just a friend’.

Around halfway through the day he decided he needed a break, needed water, needed something. So he walked away for just a moment, just one moment.

Steve had heard about the showcase from a filer outside the junior lounge. At first he was hurt that Pony hadn’t told him, but then flashbacks of their last conversation came rushing back to him like a stampede. His whole body tensed every single time he thought about it. How could he have been so stupid?

He knew from the first time he had seen Pony that something had changed, and he fully welcomed that change. He knew from the first time he heard his voice on the phone that he couldn’t wait to see him again. Then when he saw him again, he knew that he didn’t want to stop seeing him. When he danced with him, he knew nothing else besides the wide smile on his face. And when he kissed him, he never wanted to stop. He wanted to hold him tight and admit to every thought he was too ashamed to have. But instead; when Pony told him he loved him, he didn’t say it back. Instead, he said almost the exact opposite. And he hated himself for it.

Steve pushed open the doors to where the showcase was being held and instantly began looking around for Ponyboy.

“Hey, you know where Ponyboy is at?” he asked a man that looked to be the teacher.

The man seemed to smirk, a knowing smirk like he had some sort of secret, “second row, fifth exhibit in. I think you’ll be rather impressed with his work.”

“Thanks” Steve nodded and began to walk towards where he had been instructed.

“And you are? A friend?” the teacher pressed on.

Steve’s gut coiled, “not a friend. Just, someone who owes him an apology.”

The man nodded and waved Steve on his way, which he gladly went. Walking as fast as he could to wear he was told Ponyboy was, but when he got there, he wasn’t met with Ponyboy at all. In his place was at least a dozen pieces of art. Pieces of him.

Him reaching up for a book in the library. Him at the party surrounded by blurry bodies. His hand resting on Pony’s. Him laying on Pony’s bed in his Halloween costume. Him ‘cooking’ their lame thanksgiving dinner. Him splattered in small white paint drops on the night of their kiss. Him listening to music and smiling up at Pony. Him cheering at the football game. Maybe Pony had a thing for his smile.

He hadn’t even realized that he had begun to tear up. He quickly blinked the tears away and continued to gaze his eyes along every project.

Pony walked closer and closed back to his art and nearly stopped on his tracks when he saw the outline of Steve’s back, looking at all of his art. Shit. He wasn’t planning on showing him his art, ever, let alone even talk to him again after that.

Pony stopped right behind him, “Steve?”

He whipped around, the same way he did way back in the library, his eyes widening and heart racing, “Ponyboy, how come you didn’t tell me?”

Pony searched his eyes for any sort of emotion, any reaction he had to spare, “I told you.”

It was true, he did tell him, Steve knew what he meant. In more words than less he had told him, and if not, he had put it down more clearly than ever in every single piece of art that was hanging up before the both of them.

“I guess you did” Steve gawked out, still in awe, “I just can’t believe it.”

“Believe what? You’re just ugly enough to draw?” Ponyboy chuckled.

“And so many times?”

“What can I say, you’ve gotten me an ‘A’ every time.”

Steve smiled and Ponyboy took a tentative step towards him, testing the waters, only to be met with Steve completely closing the space in between them, resting a hand on Pony’s face and looking him in the eyes with a tentative smile.

“You amaze me, Ponyboy.”

“You amazed me first.”

Steve grinned at him, briefly looking past Pony to all of the small and large canvases that were littered with his face. He still couldn’t believe it. He felt like the most idiotic person in the world for not seeing it sooner. Seeing how badly he needed Ponyboy in his life, how badly he had needed him for a while now.

“Oh god I wanna kiss you so bad” Steve breathed out with a chuckle, rubbing his thumb gently across Ponyboy’s cheek.

“Let’s get out of here then.”

And within two minutes the two of them had basically left a cartoon sized hole in the wall with how fast they ran out of the hall, almost running all the way back to Pony’s dorm room. Both dragging each other by the arm up every stair and down every hallway until Pony was shoving Steve into his dorm room, locking the door behind them. Every step matching the pulsating beats of their racing hearts.

For a second all they could do was stare at each other. Taking in the fact that after a year of complete pining and painful stolen moments that they finally had theirs. Just them. No more secrets and no more lies. Neither of them were scared anymore.

“So” Pony grinned softly, “are you gonna kiss me or not?”

“Are you gonna be patient or not?” Steve returned, stepping closer so he found wrap his arms around Ponyboy again. One on Pony’s waist and the other pulling his chin down so their eyes could meet, “gimme a second, I’m trying to remember this.”

“It’s not memorable already?” Pony giggled and tangled his fingers into Steve’s tight curls, which he had dreamt about since he was a kid.

“No, it is” Steve smiled and ran a finger over Pony’s bottom lip, “I just wanna savor every moment as much as I can. You only can only kiss someone for the second first time once.”

Pony laughed and hung his head so his forehead pressed against Steve’s, “you're an idiot.”

“Yes, but somehow you fell in love with me. You fell in love with an idiot, so what does that make you?”

“The smartest person alive.”

Pony leaned down and pressed his lips softly to Steve’s, and the whole world froze. Everything was still but spinning faster than light at the same time. The silence was so quiet it was screaming so loud it could deafen them. Feeling so much yet not feeling a thing at all but their lips on each other’s.

It didn’t stop for a while, not that time mattered anymore, but when it did, they stayed glued to each other like they had become the same person.

“Wow” Steve breathed, “you really do love me.”

Pony leaned back a bit and smirked, “shut your damn mouth.”

“I’m just saying, I know you are, cause you told me and stuff” Steve continued on, “but I didn’t know it was that much.”

“How long are you gonna keep being an asshole about this?” Pony groaned and let his hands fall from Steve’s hair.

“As long as you keep kissing me like that.”

“In your dreams.”

“Only the wet ones.”

“Shut the hell up.”

“I would say make me, but I know you’d take that too literally.”

Pony rolled his eyes and kissed him again roughly, this time only for a few seconds, but a few seconds long enough to shut Steve up.

He pulled away, a smile tugging even harder at his lips, “speechless?”

Steve returned the grin, “never.”

~

Pony laid on his bed with his legs draped over Steve’s, Steve’s hand playing with his in his lap. It had been around two weeks since they had made a massive scene at the art showcase, Ponyboy’s classmates had even all congratulated him afterwards. And Steve finally admitted that he could love Pony too, not only that he could, but that he was falling in love as well.

He told him that night, wrapped up in his arms under the covers of Pony’s bed. Face pressed tightly to his neck and hands tracing circles along his ribcage.

‘I’m really in love with you, too, Pony’.

‘You ain’t just saying that cause-‘

‘No I ain’t just saying it. I really mean it. Now quit laughing at me before you make me fall even harder.’

But he still kept falling even harder with every minute of every day. Every soft kiss and weak smile he felt himself falling deeper into a hole he never really wanted to climb out of. He usually hated reality, but if this was his reality, it was a dream.

“What’s this summer look like, Steve?” Pony asked and looked up at his boyfriend. Damn did that word feel good to say.

“Heard it’s supposed to be pretty sunny” Steve joked, earning a gentle kick from Pony.

“I’m serious. I’m not going home” he confessed honestly, even though Steve had already figured that.

“The last year I just rented a cheap place off campus with a couple of guys. Got a summer job” Steve explained with a shrug of his shoulders.

Ponyboy sat up and propped himself up on his elbows, “you thinking of doing that again?”

Steve was too good at reading into Ponyboy’s words, he always had been, “you asking to bunk with me this summer? You cheeky little-“

“Could we?” Pony cut him off, stopping him mid sentence and panicking when the smile fell from Steve’s face.

“I’d love to” Steve confirmed and brought his hands to Ponyboy’s sides, tickling him furiously until they both fell off the bed in a heap of laughter and strings of curses.

Ponyboy managed to get up and position himself on Steve’s chest, pinning him down. Proud that he kept at least some muscle from track. But Steve just tucked his arms behind his head and shown his same gap tooth grin up at Pony.

“I got real lucky” he confessed out loud, “you look awful pretty sitting on my chest.”

Pony squeezed his tights a little and watched Steve flinch, “watch your mouth.”

“Why? What for?” Steve questioned, “I gave you a compliment, you’re supposed to say ‘thank you, my boyfriend who I love so much’.”

“Thank you” Pony beamed down, purposely antagonizing the man underneath him.

“Thank you….”

“Thank you my boyfriend who I love so much” Pony punctuated his words with a feather of a kiss on Steve’s mouth.

“You’re welcome, my boyfriend who I love even more.”

Ponyboy didn't even care how cheesy it all was, all he knew was that he was perhaps the happiest person on the entire planet. He had no idea someone, especially Steve Randle, could make him smile until his face hurt or kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. But he wouldn’t trade a bit of it, not for anything. Not ever.

He rolled off Steve’s chest and laid down next to him, resting his head on Steve’s elbow.

“What would the others say about this” Pony thought out loud.

Steve’s arm shook under Pony’s head as he laughed, “they’d probably think were crazy.”

Pony turned his head to look at Steve, “you don’t think we are?”

“Well, if we are, we’re the good kind of crazy, you know? The kind that people write love songs about” Steve explained.

“Someone should write a love song about us” Pony nodded in conformation.

“I can give it a go” Steve cleared his throat and just for a fraction of a second Ponyboy was ready to take him seriously.

“I’d like to see you try” Pony laughed and flicked Steve in the side.

“Songs are just like poems, why don’t you try” Steve challenged and turned his head as well so he was looking Pony straight in the eyes, only a few inches away.

“Gimme a minute and I can” Ponyboy agreed.

Steve fell silent and let himself fall into Pony’s eyes as he continued to think. Scanning his eyes over every freckle and intent. Every perfect imperfection, like imperfections even existed on Pony’s to Steve. He wanted to memorize every single thing about him.

“Roses are red, violets are blue” Pony started, “you are an asshole, but I love you.”

Steve turned his head so he was looking back up at the ceiling, “I thought you were gonna be serious.”

“I’m sorry” Pony chuckled and leaned himself over Steve again, so he was hovering just above his lips, “I really do love you though.”

“Yeah?” Steve examined, “prove it.”

“How do you suggest I do that?”

“I don’t know, but I bet you can figure it out.”

Steve smiled and pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, making a kissy face up at Ponyboy. And Pony would have laughed if he didn’t find the gesture so oddly cute as hell. So he bent over and placed a single lingering kiss on Steve.

“There. You happy?” Pony whispered against Steve’s lips.

Steve pecked him once more before responding, “very.”

They continued to babble on and joke around about whatever they pleased. Just enjoying each other’s company and presence, neither one wanting to leave the other’s side for even a moment.

Ponyboy had read a lot of books in his life. Mostly love stories. Romeo and Juliet. Pride and Prejudice. The Notebook. All those cheesy books about boys and girls falling in love and staying together forever. Pony had understood why they were classics, after all, who didn’t want that kind of experience. Well, without all the death and war and stuff. But that was fiction. This wasn’t.

He now understood it more though. More than he ever could as a kid, flipping through the pages of a novel about something he never thought he would have. He wondered what would happen if he reread those books now. If they would still be as ‘classic’ or ‘exemplar’ as his English teachers would claim. Or if the awe of it all would fade away now that he knew how Juliet felt when she first saw Romeo. He didn’t think anything like that could be put into words.

“You said once your mama called you ‘prince charming’?” Pony spoke up, looking up at the ceiling as he thought.

“Yeah…” Steve trained off, not exactly ‘wary’ of where Pony was going, but curious, “why you asking?”

“Just asking” Pony thought, “it suits you.”

“It does?”

“It really does.”

“You say that to a lot of guys?”

Pony giggled, “you sound jealous, Steve.”

“Oh, I would fight any guy who so much as ever looked your way” Steve boasted, placing a cocky kiss on the tip of Ponyboy’s nose.

“You’d really do all that? For me?” Pony scoffed, trying not to buy into a word Steve said, yet he still couldn’t help himself.

Steve smiled, “if I had no other way.”