Chapter Text
On the day of the funeral it rained. Loud and violent. Rain drops mixing with salt tears. Sue found it rather fitting. The gray clouds had sucked the color from the sky and replaced it with shadows that almost seemed as colorless as Sue herself felt. How she had felt since the police officer had knocked on the front door. At first it didn’t seem real. She had thought it must have been a mistake. After all the carriage had only left the day before. It wouldn’t have had time to reach its destination yet.
But it hadn’t been a mistake. And now she was facing a priest that claimed to know how death worked. Claimed to know, no, promised to know that death was just a new beginning. But the priest had never known death himself. And so Sue didn’t believe a word of his empty speech. Instead she watched the casket slowly being lowered into the ground. The rose bouquet going from hand to hand. Becoming smaller and smaller the more people it reached. She had been one of the first to pluck a single flower from the mass, next after the Dickinson parents of course.
A loud clap of thunder rang out from the sky just as the priest said his last words. And then the flowers were thrown onto the casket. The bright red petals mixing with the dark brown soil that was already being thrown back into the grave. For a moment that tiny sight almost made Sue feel more comfort than any of what the priest had spoken. At least Sue got to say goodbye with beauty. After all wasn’t that what everyone had said back when her parents had passed away. That it had been beautiful, the funeral. That it would have made them proud to see how beautifully peoples love had translated into their goodbyes. She hoped they had seen it back then. That at least some of what the priest had said was true. But Sue knew, now better than ever, that hope and good wishes just were a facade people comforted themselves with. Sue knew that facades would always crumble.
Mr. Dickinson placed a hand on her shoulder, leading her away from the fresh grave. As the family they would have to host the reception. They would have to showcase their grief so that the rest of the town could feel good in their pity. The pity of the big loss that had stuck the Dickinson family. The pity that death had once again traveled the city streets but happy that it had not darkened their own door. Tonight in the parlor they would share their pity with the Dickinsons and tomorrow they would continue life just the same. They hadn’t lost anything, not really.
Sue knew she wasn’t alone, that she wasn’t the only one that had lost somebody that day. The Dickinson family had too. Maybe even more than she had. But Sue was bitter. They had been kind to her. Giving her a bed the night the news broke. Saying that when terrible things happened family came together. But she couldn’t help but taste a faint bitterness on the tip of her tongue every time she looked at them. It wasn’t fair, Sue knew that. Knew that she was being entitled in her grief. But she could not share hers with them. Not even in the comfort of Emilys room could she share her grief. For her grief was the only bit she had left that still reminded her that she herself was not dead. That she was the one left alive.
In truth the reception had been less like a theatre play than Sue had expected. Yes, people had looked at the family with their for one-night-pitiful eyes and given their condolences to anyone with the last name Dickinson. And therefore Sue had spent the afternoon shaking hands and thanking people for being there. Something any 23 year old shouldn’t have done so many times. Besides that the whole matter was quickly settled. Most people stayed and drank a glass of wine and traded stories. Sue had been surprised by how many people actually had stories to share. But she had also been surprised by the small joy it had given her realizing that people had been paying attention. And that she wouldn’t have to be the only one left with all of the more odd memories. Many didn’t know much, but at least they knew some.
Sue was ripped away from a story about apple stealing when Austin stood up and cleared his throat to begin his speech.
“I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I wish none of us would have to be here tonight. But non the less me and my family would like to say thank you all for attending. For being with us. And most importantly for being here to.. t..to..” Austin choked. “Being here to celebrate my sisters life. Emily was a delightful and passionate young woman that would have, I think she would have liked this. Being celebrated, a thing we, I, her brother did not do enough while she was still here. Emily passed far too young, but her memory will live on in all of the people that loved her. Rest In Peace sister.”
Austin finished his speech with a toast and sat back down. He took Sues hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “When we were younger she always said funerals were too sad, that they should be more celebratory of their lives than mournful of their death.” Then he leaned closer so that only Sue could hear his next words. “I’ll stay at Janes tonight, I’m sure you can stay here or at home if you wish so.” And then he turned to his father and mother to discuss the time Emily had filled the house with bird-nests and Sue was drawn into another story.
When most people had gone back home and Austin had gone out to be with Jane. Sue decided to visit Emilys bedroom before she went across to the next house, her home.
The door cracked open slowly. The room was dark except from a single candle Maggie most have left out. Not much had changed since she had last been here. Truly she had spent many hours in this very room after the news of Emilys accident. It was one of the few places she swore she could still feel Emily with her. But tonight she didn’t plan to stay long. She sat down at the writing desk and slowly trailed her hand over the many pieces of paper and notebooks left in messy heaps.
She wetted her lips and spoke for the first time that night. “I’m sorry Emily. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I should never had let you believe even for a second that I didn’t love you. God, I even convinced you that I didn’t.” Tears dripped Sues cheeks, traveling down her lips and chin before finally hitting ink sprawled paper. “I was so cruel to you..I...” she took a shaky breath. “You were right you know, without you I don’t think I feel anything. Except for you. You’re still the only thing I feel and you’re dead. And I’m talking to myself like a lunatic now. Talking to you like you can actually hear me, like I didn’t just put your body in the ground. As if it isn’t my fault that you’re dead. If I had never pushed you away you wouldn’t have gone on that stupid trip with him! You would have been here and you would have been safe.” By now Sue was sobbing. Tears falling faster than she could rub them away. “You said you would be here always! You promised me—”
A sudden whisper of a non existing breath blew out the candle. Pushing a tiny spark onto a small ripped piece of paper creating a small flame lighting up a single word. ‘Forevermore.’