Work Text:
7AM
Natasha groaned as she glances sideways, gentle streams of light seeping through into her bedroom. Her alarm continued to ring before she hastily turned it off. A sharp knock came to her door.
“Who is it” she called as she threw on a tshirt and sweatpants
“It’s Clint”
“Come in”
“Morning, what do you have planned for today?”
“Training and working.”
“Come on Tash, you never give yourself a break. The rest of the team is going to the cinema. We are still trying to get steve caught up on all the great movies he has missed and Thor at the movies is always a good laugh, he really is clueless.”
“Sorry Clint.”
“Alright then, we will be back around 7, if anything happens or you want to join up with us just give me a ring.”
“Will do”
Later that morning:
Natasha had stuck to her word. She had made herself a quick breakfast and had finished training, she grabbed her gym bag and headed back to her quarters to take a shower before working to try to help Stark track down some of his old weapons.
She let her hair down before stepping into the shower. She hated hot showers so the water was fairly cool. But this time something was different. Halfway through her shower she felt a sudden tightening in her chest. And then the world around her began to blur. She stumbled out of the shower landing on the floor in a heap.
Confusion and panic clouded her vision as she tried desperately to catch her breath. “Jarvis” she wheezed.
“Miss Romanoff, how may i be of service to you?”
“I think I'm dying, check my vitals”
“Very well miss Romanoff.... It appears as if everything is in check. I think you are experiencing a panic attack.”
After 10 seconds her brain finally managed to register what he had said.
“Well how long do they last?”
“From what i have found they range from 5 minutes to half an hour, however they often come in waves of up to half an hour and overall can go on for hours, would you like me to take you to your bedroom?”
Natasha could no longer speak but she managed to just about get out a “mhmm”
Before she knew it one of tony’s bots was carrying her into her bedroom before promptly returning to wherever they came from.
“Would you like me to alert the other members of the avengers of your current situation?”
Unfortunately by this point she had lost all ability to speak and despite trying nothing would come out of her mouth. She desperately wanted someone to be there. To have someone there to tell her it would be okay. But she could not relay this information however hard she tried.
She curled up onto her bed and lay on her back in an attempt to get air in her lungs. However nothing felt like it was working. Her head spun and the room was blurry. The basic top she was wearing felt like it was choking her and she could have sworn she felt the walls closing in. Every sound in the room echoed through her mind like a foghorn. A numb sensation spread throughout her arms and legs and she felt like she was ready to throw up.
She let out a cough and her mouth felt as dry and rough as sandpaper. She looked at her clock and after a few minutes of trying managed to focus on the time. It was only 3pm. The rest of the avengers would not be home for hours. She could not stop thinking about what Jarvis had said. This could last for hours.
As her chest continued to tighten she sobbed desperately, a feeling of complete hopelessness consumed her. ‘This could not go on any longer, she could not take it.If only she could just get a goddamn grip and breathe, why is it so difficult for you to do anything, you really are useless’ she thought and a lonely tremble escaped her body. But before she knew it her whole body was shaking. She didn't know what was worse, feeling so out of control or not being able to breathe. If only she could get some, any air then she was sure she could calm down.
Time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time as she attempted to collect her thoughts. She decided to try what they always showed in the movie. She gasped as she took a measured breath but it only made her feel worse. It felt like being trapped in quicksand. There was no escape and the more she tried the harder it became. Her knuckles were white as she gripped her pillow.
She was certain she would pass out at any second. How she had managed to stay conscious for so long without air was a mystery to her. Despite the spots clouding her vision she never actually went unconscious. She desperately wanted to. She knew Jarvis would alert the avengers if she passed out and at least she would not be in this hell any more.
Slowly the symptoms began to ease, it was so gradual that she hardly noticed, when she did she glanced at the clock and realised that despite it feeling like a lifetime it had only been 25 minutes.
But just as quickly as it had eased she felt her heart rate accelerate again as she once again gasped for breath. However during the short interval she had asked Jarvis to contact Clint if she started panicking again. A few moments later Jarvis informed her that Clint was on his way,
An hour later she let out a choke and finally what she knew was coming happened. She attempted to move but she was paralised, as she threw up, her breakfast stained her grey top and fresh sheets. Her hair was sticking to the mattress and she could swear something was crushing her when she heard the unmistakable footsteps of Clint running upstairs.
Her door flung open as she vaguely registered Clint cautiously approaching her.
As Clint entered the room he was stunned by what he saw, he had never seen his usually so stoic friend so vulnerable. He nervously approached her and reached out a hand placing it on her shoulder. Natasha shuddered as she felt the contact but quickly realised who it was.
“Nat?”
All Natasha could do was look at him with her eyes wide and pleading for him to make whatever was happening stop.
“It’s okay, you’re safe Tash.” He said while he gently lifted her into his arms, cradling her as she wept and silently begged for air.
“Natasha close your eyes and focus on my voice.”
Suddenly she started clawing at her top choking. Clint immediately understood and helped her remove her vomit covered top leaving her in her combat pants and a sports bra. But seeing her was nothing new to him. When they had been partners for so long neither of them had any dignity left, they didn’t even care anymore.
The second it was removed from her she let out a relieved gasp. But her chest ceased to allow air into her lungs. Her hands felt like ice blocks and Clint placed them on her kneck.
“Focus on the coolness of your hands.”
All she could do was cry into his shoulder. “Make it stop.” she pleaded.
“It's going to be okay tash, I’m here. No one is going to hurt you.”
Suddenly she gagged and Clint grabbed her bin, shoving it in front of her and placing his hand upon her forehead to stop her head smacking into it when she vomited. The fear in her eyes was unmistakable. All Clint could think to do was grab his jacket and wrap it around her, pulling her into his chest as she sobbed and hyperventilated.
Another hour passed by and everytime things seemed to be calming down for her she instantly spiralled again. The rest of the team was unsure why Clint had left in such a hurry and decided to skip dinner and just come home. As they walked through the entrance to the compound everywhere was unusually silent. Nervously they made their way to Natasha’s floor where the distinctive voice of Clint trying to comfort someone could be heard. And then they heard it, Natasha was begging and sobbing. Now they were certain something terrible must have happened.
They all stormed into the room clearly expecting some kind of deadly threat. Clint’s eyes shot up at them glaring. And that was when they saw her, curled up in his arms visibly shaking and hyperventilating.They all stood there silent for a moment not sure what to say or do. Slowly they all left the room leaving only wanda behind. She sat down beside Natasha and ran her hands gently through her hair before placing them gently on her shoulder.
With Natasha’s face still buried in Clint’s shoulder wanda looked at him silently asking him what on earth happened. Clint gave her a look telling her he did not have a clue. Suddenly Natasha bolted upright before instantly crumbling back down into a fetal position. Her eyes were wide as she continued to gasp for air. Wanda looked down at her before lowering herself onto Natasha’s level. She gently cupped her chin forcing Natasha to look at her. Natasha closed her eyes to try and escape the spinning and Wanda did not push her on that.
“Help me” Natasha pleaded. Not even opening her eyes.
“It’s going to be okay Natasha, would it help to tell me what you are feeling?”
“Okay… I can't...breathe...everything is spinning… I feel sick and like I might pass out, I’m… scared. It’s all too much.”
“You are not going to pass out Natasha, me and Clint are here, you are safe and it will all be okay. Have you tried grounding yourself or taking deep breaths”
Natasha could feel herself spiralling into somehow a worse feeling, so she just nodded. Seeing what was happening Wanda placed her hand onto her back and began gently rubbing her hand in circles in an attempt to comfort her. Wanda laid down next to her looking at her, obviously concerned as she tried to put on a brave front for Natasha. “It's okay.” She continued to repeat. Clint continued to watch as Natasha hyperventilated. He was utterly clueless about what to do. He could only hope she would be okay soon. Suddenly she gagged and he reached for the bucket but Wanda beat him to it. She held it in front of her and placed her hand on her head to stop her smacking her head into the bucket while Clint held her hair back. “Make it stop.” She begged and all they could do was smile sympathetically and try to reassure her. Her whole body was trembling by the time she was finished.
“It will stop, I promise. You will get past this.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can.” She said while Clint pulled her gently towards him cradling her as she cried.
Natasha had never felt this feeling before. The feeling of not being able to breathe despite there being nothing physical stopping her. It made her feel like the red room was right. That she was weak and a burden who did not deserve anything.She knew Clint and Wanda were worried about her and she hated that. She wished she could make it stop but her body would not do what her brain was telling it to. She could feel Clints hands wrapped tightly around her as he rocked her back and forth trying to tell her she was okay. But she was not okay, and she certainly did not feel okay. A sense of impending doom was drowning her.
She needed to breathe so much. She had survived far worse but right now none of that mattered. She would have done anything to just breathe. It was a feeling that could not be put into words, she did not know how much more she could take.
Another 20 minutes past while Natasha continued to panic and hyperventilate.
“Come here” Wanda said. Natasha edged herself closer to Wanda. She took Natasha’s hands and placed them where she could feel her heartbeat. It also did not work but eventually she began to calm down. A lot more time passed before Natasha had somewhat returned to herself. Slowly she uncurled looking at both Wanda and Clint as a flood of embarrassment washed over her.
“It’s okay Nat. You have been pushing yourself too hard. This is your body's way of telling you to let your body rest.” Wanda nodded in agreement as tears once again crept down Natasha’s face.
Clint scooped her up, letting Wanda help her into her pyjamas before helping her into her bed. They both stayed with her, reassuring her that she was safe and they did not think any less of her. Once she was asleep they quietly made their way downstairs where the rest of the avengers were waiting anxiously for them. Tony was the first to speak.
“What the hell just happened?!”
“She has been working non stop recently and it all just caught up to her.”
“Is she okay?”
“She is now, I don’t know how long it had been until I got there but it took a while for her to calm down, she was and still probably is absolutely terrified.”
“JARVIS how long was Natasha panicking for before Barton got here?”
“Approximately 1-2 hours sir”
“Let me get this straight, she was having a goddamn panic attack for 2 hours and no one thought to tell us?!”
“I asked Miss Romanoff if she would like me to contact any of you but she failed to respond.”
Clint rolled his eyes realising why.
The next morning Natasha came downstairs to see the avengers had tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to make pancakes. They smiled as she tried to slip in unnoticed. They acted like nothing had happened because they knew that was what she would want, But secretly they were all really concerned it had reached this point. Meanwhile Natasha knew they were all tiptoeing around her, but was thankful that they did not seem to be judging her or making a big deal out of it.