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i.
in equilibrium
In physics, most particles and bodies remain at their initial state unless a force is acted upon. Rei believed the same for her long, unrequited love for her childhood friend, Yoon Dowoon. If she did not act on her feelings, nothing would change between them.
Was it a bad thing? No, not necessarily.
Most people would say she had to do something about it. After all, she had been wasting her youth — half of her high school life and her entire university life — pining over the drummer of their university’s most popular band. And by ‘most people’, she meant all her university blockmates, her close high school friends, her cousins, her best friend Wendy and her boyfriend Tuanzy.
All the romance books and movies told her to take a leap and embrace the uncertainty. Perhaps, there would be a reward.
Perhaps.
But as what they say in geometry, the corollary would be to remain as they were: good friends. The best of friends, Wendy notwithstanding.
Rei is deathly scared of losing Yoon Dowoon. His friendship was the one thing that she could trust herself to have. In the beginning, the love she felt for him felt like a tiny bud, blooming slowly but surely with every stolen touch. His smiles had watered her infatuation until it took root in her heart.
He would always go out of his way to make sure she went home safe. His ears were ready to hear whatever crazy idea or dark vulnerability she had been feeling over. His arms had more than once, twice, thrice, wrapped around her and held her up when gravity proved to be too much. When the world stole away what she knew about herself, she was sure that her love for Dowoon would remain.
Her love grew and grew until she could feel it course through her whole body, consuming her, becoming everything she knew about herself.
So no. She would not do anything about her love for him. She was happy to watch from afar. Happy to see him reach his dreams one step at a time. Happy to see him catch his happiness and tuck it close into his chest.
She was happy to stay where she was.
The air conditioning in the physics library was beyond freezing. In fact, under the thick padded jacket, Rei could still feel the chill. She slumped on her seat, her eyes set dejectedly over her unfinished homework. In front of her, Wendy was scrubbing her eyes tiredly.
“I’m exhausted, Rei…” Wendy moaned. She straightened up on her seat and took her phone that was strewn beside her thick book. It was already half past eight. “We’ve been doing this problem set since four and we’re only halfway through it? Good god, I just want to graduate. I’m so tired.”
Rei blew raspberries frustratedly. “I know. I’m pooped out, too.”
Her eyes found her phone. Dowoon was flooding her messenger app with his messages. He was probably checking in on her, asking if she could come in time to catch their performance at the University Fair.
In an ideal world, Rei would not be wasting away her precious last days as a university senior inside the library, slaving over her acoustics theory problem set in the middle of the university fair week. It was the time of the year when students would stay up late, watching different bands perform every night of the week, and have the best of times soaking up the smell of grilled meat, listening to the cacophony of student cheers, yells and laughter in the midst of a thick fair crowd. There were booths selling everything and anything, food stalls, and even some rides that filled the sunken garden of the university.
This year, Dowoon’s band, Daisyx, would be playing their last performance with one of their members as an enrolled student. Dowoon was the youngest and all his hyungs had already graduated before him. Next year, if all his plans went through, Dowoon would be playing as a part of the faculty.
He wanted to continue his master’s in music at their university. Over tepid coffee and her unfinished thesis drafts, they once talked about their plans after graduation. His was his infallible desire to improve his drum playing. He didn’t care how long or whatever it took. If it helped him improve his drumming, he would do it.
His laser-sharp focus in doing what he loved was one of the many things Rei loved about him.
Dowoon’s name flashed again on her screen. Yet another message she was holding herself back from answering, or else her resolve would crumble. She needed to finish their problem set tonight. Chatting with Dowoon over the phone would not help her finish it.
Her fingers twitched over her paper. Wendy snorted at how pitiful she must have looked.
“C’mon, girl! Stop mooning over Dowoon. It’s not like he’ll fall in love with you tonight if you replied to his messages,” Wendy bitterly said.
“Ouch. You could have worded that a bit more gently for me.” Rei pouted.
Rei could have been upset at the quip but she knew her best friend had a point. But it didn’t do too well to listen to Wendy. Her best friend was Team Anti-Dowoon. For Wendy, Rei could do so much better in her life than Dowoon. Not that Dowoon wasn’t a catch. He was. A lot of his band’s fans would happily throw away their life or even their priority status during enlistment, to have a shot with Dowoon.
But the young man was clearly uninterested. The only way Dowoon would feel even a small amount of affection over Rei was if she turned into a DW custom drum set.
Wendy threw her pen over their problem sets and yellow pad paper. “I just don’t get it. You’re smart, cute, and friendly. I mean, you could be friendly if you wanted to be. You’re a little bitchy, sure. But that’s only your resting bitch face. That’s not your fault at all.”
“Are you trying to compliment me, Wendy?” Rei drawled drily. Deep inside, she was enjoying Wendy’s sudden outburst. “And I’m not the one with the resting bitch face in this friendship, excuse me.”
“What? Clearly, we wouldn’t have hit it off at Math 17 if you didn’t suffer the same resting bitch face that I did. Anyway. As I was saying. You’re cute. I love your super tiny tits and even tinier waist. I’d kill to date someone so hot. Not to mention how freaking smart and driven you are. You’re a ten, okay.”
“Maybe I should call Tuanzy and tell him you’re cheating on him with me,” Rei said playfully.
Wendy groaned. “What I’m trying to say is, you’re a catch. You’ve spent our entire stay in this university pining over your high school crush. It’s just… so dumb. For someone so smart, you could really be dumb about Dowoon. And it’s just super frustrating!”
Rei chuckled. “What brought this on? Is it the acoustics overload? Maybe we could just ask Jinyoung for his answers tomorrow morning. I’m sure we have time to cram the remaining two questions before the deadline. It’s 4pm, right? We have plenty of time, Wendy.”
“No! We don’t!” Wendy slammed a balled fist over the table. Their scientific calculators and pens jumped. “We’re graduating in what? A month and a half? And you haven’t even dated one single guy. Ever. It’s not healthy, Rei!”
Rei leaned back on her seat in surprise. “So… what do you want me to do about it? Ugh, you know I don’t like to date.”
“No, you don’t! I see the longing looks you throw at Tuanzy and me whenever we’d eat out sometimes. You’d love to date! It’s just that, the person you wanted to date would date a snare drum first before he considered dating human beings.”
Rei smiled. “Well, he’s dedicated…”
“Stop with the dreamy sighs!” Wendy made a noise at the back of her throat as if she were gagging. “I swear, Rei. You’re missing out on a lot of things because you’re pining over the human equivalent of a drum set.”
Rei looked down. If she had a softer heart, her tears would have started streaming down her cheeks by now. It wasn’t like she was doing it consciously. She would date if she found anyone half as interesting as Dowoon. But no, no one caught her eye in the past five years they were at university. It seemed like the world faded to grey compared to the brightness that was Yoon Dowoon.
“I just hate to see you graduate and not experience the happiness I felt with Tuanzy. I mean, we’re not serious 75% of the time. We bicker a lot. But we’re happy to spend the most amazing years of our youth together. It’s just… happy to look back at, you know. And I’d hate for you to look back thinking of all the times you sat on the cold floor of the College of Music, waiting for Dowoon to finish practicing. He’s not even your boyfriend.”
Wendy reached out one hand to cover Rei’s hand. “I hope you understand where I’m coming from, love.”
Rei wordlessly nodded. Errant tears started to fall from the corners of her eyes which made her wipe them quickly. “It’s not like I wanted this to happen this way… I had high hopes, you know? That things would turn out differently.”
“But girl, you do know that the quiet suffering you’ve been enduring for so long would not assure you of a reward at the end, right? It doesn’t work that way. Life doesn’t work that way. But maybe it’s not too late, you know? You still have a month and a half to make the most out of your college life. Go out. Have fun.”
Rei smiled at Wendy.
“Oh! I know. Let’s go out tonight,” Wendy suggested. She began to pack their things up with Rei looking lost and confused.
“What? But we’re still not done with the problem set…”
“To hell with it! Let’s copy off Jinyoung tomorrow. Let’s drink! We haven’t drank in ages.”
Rei watched Wendy finish packing their stuff. “But…”
“C’mon, Rei. Let’s just live a little tonight. It’s not like anything bad will happen tonight.”
Something bad did happen that night.
By 10pm, Wendy was already slurring and singing broken bits of Korean songs. Tuanzy followed them to their watering spot of choice out of worry. He knew his girlfriend had the tolerance of a freshman and would come to this state.
In her inebriated state, Wendy forgot to confiscated Rei’s phone before they both got wasted. Now that Rei’s world was spinning deliciously around, she was finding everything to be Beautiful.
The leftover sweet and spicy chicken on the table? Beautiful. (She snuck another piece of wing in her mouth.)
The local brew of beer the cute waiter gave them for free? Beautiful.
This wonderful conversation with Tuanzy? Beautiful. (To be fair, Tuanzy was a great conversationalist. She could see why Wendy enjoyed spending time with her boyfriend. And it was fun to spend time with him as a good friend.)
This drunken text to Dowoon? Beautiful. (“ Dowoon-ah, Wendy had been saying wonderful things about you today. She said I should try to date. So… wanna go out on a date? ”)
Hit send.
And there it went.
So, color her surprised when a serious-looking Dowoon arrived with a determined face and walked towards her. She could see the rest of Daisyx behind him, walking a bit slower and more casually. Obviously, only Dowoon was on a mission.
He immediately took the bottle of beer that was halfway through Rei’s mouth. “You’ve drunk enough, young lady.”
Rei pouted before she tugged Dowoon to sit beside her. The tall drummer plopped down unceremoniously before he righted himself. In an act that caught him by surprise, Rei wrapped her arms around Dowoon’s arm and pressed a fleeting kiss on his cheek. “Boyfriend, how does that sound?”
Dowoon’s ears swiftly turned red. He could hear his bandmates chuckles and claps behind him and Younghyun, the little devil, saying, “Woop! Our little Rei finally made a move!”
“Rei, what’s going on?” Dowoon asked confusedly.
“Nothing. Wendy suggested I should date since we’re about to graduate in a few days.”
“And so you think I would do it?” he asked incredulously.
Rei pulled away from him and pouted. “Well, if you don’t want to, it’s fine with me. I’ll just find someone else to date.”
Meanwhile, Tuanzy watched the whole exchange with mad respect in his eyes. Finally, Rei made a move on Dowoon. Who knew someone who wanted certainly before doing anything made a leap of faith. Smirking, he gently put in a word to help nudge things to Rei’s favor. “Would you really let Rei waste the next forty days with someone who could potentially hurt her?”
Dowoon looked over the table and glared at Tuanzy. “Hey, Tuanzy. Glad you could help me out here.”
Tuanzy only laughed at Dowoon’s plight.
“He’s right, you know,” Younghyun, their band’s bassist, said. The rest of the band had been settled by then. They attached another table to the girl's table and arranged their seats. “It could be more dangerous if Rei ventured outside of our social circle. Who knew what kind of creepers would be out there?”
Tuanzy raised his hand for a high-five, which Younghyun was happy to return.
Dowoon groaned. He had his graduate recital, exit interviews and graduate school applications to finish. How could babysitting his friend and pretending to date her help him?
He didn’t know he was saying all these things out loud until Wonpil pointed it out. “It’s not pretending if you would really date for real.”
“Think of it as dating conveniently,” Jae supplied.
Younghyun remained quiet but the devilish smirk on his face spoke volumes. Of course, he was loving what was happening. It was drama and romance, two of the best things Younghyun loved in life aside from food and sleeping.
Dowoon sighed heavily. Peer pressure. This is why he loved his drums more than human beings.
Before the night ended, Dowoon helped Rei get home safely. Just like the previous times that they would hang out, he always saw her home. He was just about to leave her, sprawled on the couch of her studio apartment, when she pulled him down again. If this was what dating her would look like, he was already looking forward to the bruises.
Wait, where did that come from?
Obviously, they had a little too much Kaoliang tonight. Younghyun knew Dowoon would be a lot more agreeable with the proper liquor on hand.
He sighed.
Rei was still happily drunk and oblivious to his discomfort when she gently wrapped an arm around his waist. This wasn’t out of the ordinary. In the dark, in small pockets of unspoken time, they would find their arms around one another, finding comfort before they pull away and never talk about it ever again.
Dowoon didn’t mind any of it. He just thought it was how Rei would show affection. She once shared it was her love language. So he’d happily receive and sometimes give her fleeting touches and short hugs every so often.
The idea of dating Rei had not crossed his mind. Ever. That wasn’t to say that Younghyun never tried to push him to do so over the course of their university stay. Dowoon just didn’t see the need to ask her out. They were already hanging out together the rest of the time anyway. And why complicate things with feelings?
He was happy with his friendship with Rei.
“Dowoon… Thanks for bringing me home,” she half-whispered, half-kissed on his arm. Her mouth was all smushed comically against the top of his arm.
He had to chuckle at how adorable she just looked. “Nothing to worry about. You know I’d always see you home, especially since you drank like a thirsty fish tonight.”
“Do fish get thirsty?” Rei sleepily slurred.
“Please don’t ask difficult questions, Ms. Physicist,” Dowoon drawled before he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and settled her more comfortably against him.
“You do such a great job at being a boyfriend,” she shyly said. She turned her head up and looked at him. They’d never been intimately close like this before and it was making Dowoon feel unnerved.
Out of all the things he knew in life, there were a couple of things he held on as his truth: one, that he would like to play the drums as best as he could; and two, that his friendship with Rei would always be the home would always come home to.
His mother had always cried how Dowoon discovered what a free spirit he was quite early in life. He chose to study away in the city, a good one and a half hours away from their country home, and chose university there, too. He had always walked his own path, something that both worried and brought immense pride to his family.
But walking alone in a path where the few choose was a lonely and trying journey.
He had always been a quiet kid, always keeping to himself. It was difficult to make friends when you already knew what you wanted out of life and how uncompromising you were at how you made it happen.
Rei had been the only friend who stayed from the start. He found her when he had trouble finding his person.
She was the wavelength that traveled in the same medium as he did.
But romantically…?
Maybe it was a truth he had never considered before because it just didn’t cross his mind. Ever.
Even though his bandmates never let him up with their teasing, Dowoon never viewed Rei as a romantic partner. It was just… one of those things.
“Rei…,” he started cautiously. “I’m not your boyfriend.”
“But… you could, you know? I mean, what’s stopping you?”
“Our friendship, for one,” he answered.
She turned in his arms and sat straighter beside him without leaning against him. “We’re graduating in forty days. After that, there’s Europe for me for my master’s degree. We literally have forty days just to try, you know.”
Dowoon sighed frustratedly. He hated it when things didn’t go his way, or when people suggest diabolical things.
Like dating your best friend for forty days.
Absurd.
Crazy.
Completely mental.
“Rei, do you honestly want us to part ways by ruining our friendship?”
“It’s not ruining anything! We’re mature adults here—”
“We’re college students. We’re hardly ‘mature adults’,” he intervened.
“I mean, we’re both logical and rational people,” she countered as she gave him a pointed look. “We’re not going to hurt each other intentionally. I know you won’t cheat on me—”
“I won’t even have time to cheat on you, smartypants,” Dowoon countered.
“Exactly! This is why this is perfect. This Wendy’s most brilliant plan ever.”
Dowoon whined. “This is so dumb.”
Rei, powered by the alcohol in her system, boldly climbed up Dowoon’s lap. “I disagree, Mr. Famous Drummer.”
Dowoon rolled his eyes at her before letting himself lean back further into the couch.
Rei’s hands cupped Dowoon’s jawline and directed his gaze at her. “Just let me experience dating you. I mean, you know I’m already in love with you. And it’s just for forty days. What are you to lose?"
“Our friendship?” Dowoon answered.
“Wrong! Nothing! You lose nothing. You’re not even dating anyone right now,” Rei continued.
Dowoon tried to move Rei from his lap to the seat beside him. She was still under the influence of alcohol so she was a bit pliant. Once she was settled, he went to her small kitchen and heated up water immediately.
“What are you doing? We’re still negotiating here,” Rei said as she stood up to follow Dowoon.
“Wow, negotiating. Big word. Does that mean you’re sobering up now, too?”
“Sadly, yes.” Rei pouted. “Are you making me coffee?”
“Sadly, yes,” Dowoon echoed. “This conversation is making my head ache so I’ll fix both of us some coffee. Especially you, since you need to sober up. You’ve been thinking ridiculous things!” He poked Rei on her forehead as he said this.
“I’m not! You owe it to me, Yoon Dowoon.” There was a hint of hurt and pain behind the joking way Rei delivered her statement. “It’s just forty days. We’ll just go out, maybe kiss sometimes. Make out, if you want to. Something more, if you’re agreeable…”
“Rei!”
“What? Don’t act so demure now. I’ve been to your band practices. I know how dirty you boys could get. Sungjin-oppa, too…”
Dowoon immediately stepped closer to Rei and pressed a warm hand over her lips to shut her up. “Please, for the love of god, do not bring up Sungjin-hyung right now.”
“Why? Is it killing your boner?”
“Rei!”
Her giggles were drowned by the water in the kettle boiling. Dowoon quickly made them some instant coffee and handed her cup to her. “Here, finish this.”
“And we’ll seal the deal with a kiss.”
Dowoon sighed frustratedly. “Only if you sobered up.”
Rei had never downed a coffee so quickly her entire life.
ii.
in a moving medium
Their first official date was a breakfast date.
Dowoon was a notoriously morning person while Rei thrived as a night owl. They couldn’t have been more different but Rei was trying to prove a point here. What was waking up at six in the morning to join Dowoon for breakfast? A small sacrifice just to spend more time with him.
The place they went to was surprisingly fancy. It looked very fit for the first date of a couple who wanted to impress the other. They were in it for the good food, good ambiance, and the chase of the elusive spark they hoped they would find in the sparkling mimosas and fluffy wild berry pancakes.
It was a Saturday. Typically, Rei would be deep asleep at this time of the morning but today, she forced herself to roll off the bed and find the cutest dress she could find in her closet, a sweet pink bodice dress with a Marilyn Monroe white skirt. The heart shaped collar added an enticing peek of the tops of her breasts, in case Dowoon needed an added incentive.
(She knew it was futile, but she had to put in some effort.)
Another surprise for the morning was seeing Dowoon dressed up in a dark blue long sleeves top, folded three-fourths along the arm, and a pair of decently pressed pants. It was the sharpest she had seen him since senior prom.
He stood by what she assumed was their table and helped her to her seat when she got closer.
Rei marveled at how fancy the ambiance of the restaurant was. She wasn’t one to visit fancy restaurants a lot, but she could remember reading about this one from one of the news sites she followed. A Michelin-starred chef opened this fancy place inside Gangnam’s swankiest hotels. Getting a table here must have cost a fortune.
She wondered what Dowoon was thinking when he made the decision to bring her here. He must have pulled some strings, too.
Curious and curiouser.
With a smile, she turned to him. “This is a very lovely place.”
He smirked at her. “Impressed, aren’t you? Of course, I’m not going to bring you to a smoky chimaek place off Hongdae for our first date.”
She nodded and felt a giggle bubble up from her chest. “It’s very romantic,” she quipped.
“I could be romantic,” he countered. A waiter appeared beside them and offered them the menu. They both decided to dry different things so they could try as much as they could.
“Be honest. Who suggested this date? Was it Crissey? The junior girl who used to have a crush on you when we were seniors in high school?” Rei threw him a look. She was half-serious, half-joking in her question. She knew Dowoon wouldn’t have come up with this on his own. He must have had some help.
Dowoon’s playful expression sobered up into a serious expression. “I had this fleeting thought after… that night.” The tips of his ears began to blush a bright red as he remembered. They had more than kissed that night. After that, kisses and touches were handed out more and more frequently each day.
“I was walking home just as the sun was rising and I thought, it would be amazing to share breakfast with you. It just seems intimate. You must know how I love breakfasts. I love the quiet of mornings and the sleepy, magical feel of the world slowly waking up. I love watching the day unfold, is all. And it would be great to share it with you. I only remembered Crissey mentioning this place in passing before.”
Perhaps it was her heart. Perhaps it was her entire world. But something in Rei, something intrinsic and foundational, stuttered into a halt. Everything careened into this small bubble of this morning, this glorious sunrise that blessed them this moment.
“I’m being cheesy, aren’t I?” Dowoon tried to backtrack.
Rei slowly shook her head. “No, it’s perfect.”
After breakfast, they found themselves strolling through the banks of the Han River. The soft rays of the morning sun made the waters sparkle. Everything looked bright.
They could hear the soft sound of water and the playful shrieks of children playing at a nearby spot.
Dowoon watched as a small smile graced Rei’s face before he heard her say, “They look so innocent.”
He turned his eyes to where she was looking. Turned out, the children were two small girls playing with their parents. They were too young and looked super cute bundled up in bright pink padded jackets. They looked like balls of high energy cuteness.
His eyes went back to watching the complex expression of longing on Rei’s face. It was odd to see her pine for something so domestic. From where they came from, there was only studying hard, excelling at your degree program, finding good jobs that would change the world. It didn’t matter if you couldn’t be at the top of your industry. Settling down and having a family was long ways off, if not something looked down upon by some of their peers.
“I’d love to have a family of my own one day,” she began softly.
Dowoon stepped closer to her. His front by her side. Unconsciously, he curved his form to hear her better. Whenever Rei got into an introspective mood, the bestideas would pour off her. She had the sharpest, most brilliant mind, and the biggest heart he had ever known. It was humbling to be around someone as great as Rei.
And the problem was she wasn’t even aware of her talents and skills, of how amazing she was.
So whenever he could, he tried his best to listen intently to her. He wanted to absorb this once-in-a-lifetime chance of hearing someone as great as Rei share her innermost thoughts and feelings with him.
“I would pack my kids breakfast — omelettes with a side of cherry tomatoes, rice shaped like a bear. A cute bento breakfast.”
He chuckled as his hand found hers. She immediately held on to him, still moving unconsciously. The warmth of her hand thawed the chill of that February morning.
“I’d dress them in the cutest matching outfits and send them off with a wave from our house’s small garden,” Rei continued.
As if led by Rei’s gravity, Dowoon moved even closer to her. She was still watching the family but his step made her conscious of him entering her own personal bubble, her orbit. She half turned towards him, their faces too close to one another.
“And your husband? Where would he be after you send off your kids?” he asked quietly.
“Hmm. I’d imagine he would be by his studio, tinkering with his cymbals and snare drums. He would be warming up for another day of drumming and teaching drums to neighborhood kids,” she answered softly.
She pivoted fully. This time, they were standing face to face. Her eyes strayed to his full lower lips, red and inviting. She could remember how soft and giving they were a few nights back. The warm trail they burned across her skin, in places the daylight would never touch.
Her eyes strayed up, towards his eyes. Warm, honey eyes that looked enchanted and in a daze.
“Sounds like your husband’s dead beat, not helping you around such a busy morning,” he said almost against her lips. His free hand tucked a wisp of an errant hair behind her ear before cupping her jaw. His thumb brushed softly against her cheek, almost reverently. The rough pad ignited a spark, turning the romantic morning they had into something a bit warmer.
“Hmmm… He’d do his penance at night, when the kids are asleep.” She felt herself stand on tiptoes, reaching up. Reaching him. Reaching into his kiss.
“He’d love it. He’d love to,” he said before he pressed his lips against hers and claimed a kiss that burned hotter than the morning sun.
-
On the second week of their dating, they went to a theme park. This one was a popular hangout for kids and some teenagers who wanted to feel like kids again.
Bringing Rei to a place where a lot of rides swirl and go around in circles was like asking for a physics lecture, Dowoon realized. The moment they stepped into the loud, adrenaline-soaked and oversized playground, Rei’s eyes twinkled like stars. Not because she loved riding in carousels or iterations of rollercoasters, but because she was fascinated by the mechanics of each ride.
“We’re currently wrapping up on our acoustics, which I think you also discussed in your majors?” Rei asked, her inquisitive eyes sparkling.
Dowoon nodded. They were currently in line for an old childhood favorite movie-themed ride. It had cute green aliens and hyperactive toys and the sound acoustics of the waiting hall definitely added an extra experience.
Rei was in front of him. Not hearing him reply made her turn around to face him. As if she had done this so many times before, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his chest as she looked up to him. “Dowoon, are you alright?”
“Hmm…,” he answered noncommittally as a fierce blush spread from his ears to his neck. It’s the second week, and he’s still unused to the amount of public display of affection they had. Recovering, he cupped her cheeks with his big hands before dropping a quick kiss on her pouty mouth. “The music’s pretty trippy here, is all.”
“You’re enjoying this though, right?” she asked softly.
“You mean falling in long lines just to get myself nauseous?” he countered. His playful warm honey eyes twinkled in mischief.
She pinched him on his side playfully before loosening her hold on him and turned to face the front of the line. “You’re a meanie.”
He chuckled and wrapped his arms from behind her. There was something comfortable with spending time with Rei. It wasn’t like this was the first time they hung out like this, but it was certainly the first time they were so free in giving each other physical affection.
He rested his chin on the top of her head. “And you’re a shortie.”
She playfully swatted his arm but wrapped them tighter around her.
Their lunch at the theme park wasn’t a big affair. After their fancy breakfast date, it wasn’t followed by anything equally sophisticated, which was fine by Rei. More often than not, they were in a rush to submit papers or problem sets.
And as they say, when in Rome…
So here they were, eating greasy burgers and fries from the theme park food court.
Dowoon finished off his too big and too expensive burger, wiping off the excess grease from his lips with some napkin. Rei’s eyes honed in on the reddening lips. “I’ve never been to a theme park in a long while,” Dowoon began. “It just seems so different now that we’re college students.”
“Like it’s more enjoyable?”
“Well, that, too. And I just thought back to how you were earlier, explaining all the physics of things. And I know I keep on yammering about drumming when we’re out, but this place… You know how places like this are designed to have their acoustics play a part in the overall experience? They call it soundscape. Like landscaping, but you’re designing how sound is perceived and experienced.”
Rei watched as Dowoon continued. There was no one who was more passionate about playing the drums than Dowoon. Sometimes, she would forget that he was so much more than just drumming. For God’s sake, he’s planning to get his master’s degree in practical music after his undergraduate degree. There was no one more dedicated to his craft and passion than him.
That inhumane drive Dowoon has for his music was one of the things that made her fall madly in love with him. In physics, she had to keep reminding herself to push forward, to get the marks she wanted so she continued to the next level. Learning for her was a set of challenges she needed to clear before she went on to the next round. Rinse and repeat.
She could never understand being driven by the passion to improve one’s craft. It was simply not in her system.
How different they were and yet, this difference was what made her stay after all these years.
“I’m rambling off again, don’t I?” Dowoon smiled shyly at her.
“No, not at all. I find it fascinating. So soundscape?”
Dowoon sat straighter. “Yeah. What I mean by what I said earlier was that, when we’re younger, we’re so focused on the visuals of places like theme parks. The bright colors and the cartoon graphics. We think beauty is in what we see. But the thing is, everything here is by design. As we wait in the queueing halls, there’s this music on loop that sets up the mood. It introduces the people to the adventure. And then the rising action as you get closer into the ride. The climax as you get to the best part of the ride. Even as you exit, there will always be soft music in the background. The sound design is a character and the whole ride was a story in itself.”
Rei smiled softly at him. “That’s a great way to dissect the theme park experience.”
“I’m sure you do a lot of looking at simple things at another perspective in applied physics,” Dowoon quipped.
Rei blew a raspberry. “We do. And it’s what attracted me to it at first. It’s what made me stay. You remember how I was dying to change majors when we were in our second year?”
“You wanted to take Geography instead,” Dowoon answered almost unconsciously, like he was answering with a fact from the back of his head.
“Right. But the paperworks were just troublesome, so I stayed,” she continued.
Dowoon chuckled. “That’s so you, though. You tend to stay at the path of least resistance.”
“You mean I don’t venture outside my comfort zone.” Rei answered dryly.
“No, I think you’re just risk averse.”
“I just… it’s the first law of motion, okay! I stay in my initial state,” she protested.
“Unless someone applies an external force.”
“Well, that’s why I’m friends with Wendy.” Rei looked away. Bringing up Wendy and their crazy deal right in the middle of their date was so awkward.
Dowoon was right, though. Rei was risk averse. She’d rather not lose than not win.
“How’s your graduate school application going?” Dowoon must have sensed how awkward Rei was feeling so he changed the topic.
“Erasmus will soon let me know,” she answered. The truth was, she already received her acceptance letter. She was surely going to Sweden to study more physics. More fun for her academically. It was miles away from her comfort zone but something inside Rei pushed her to continue on, to follow her instincts, and study abroad.
That’s why she wanted this forty days of dating with Dowoon so badly. Once Wendy planted the idea in her head, it took root immediately and Rei couldn’t fight against the desire of spending the last days of her undergraduate program with the boy she was in love with for years now.
It was forty days of pretending he was as in love with her as she did.
It was crazy, but she was sure she would remember every single moment with Dowoon as she froze in the cold Swedish air.
“I’m sure there are a lot of music schools in Sweden,” Dowoon answered.
“You’re already hired as faculty for next year,” Rei countered dryly.
He sighed frustratedly. “Ugh, don’t even remind me. Life is too hard! Do you realize this would be the first time we would be away from one another in years?”
Rei could only nod. She didn’t think her voice would not crack if she answered him verbally.
“I can’t imagine living my life without you,” Dowoon said without thinking.
And of course, Rei took it the only way she wanted to take it: like he meant it with every fiber of his being. That there was a smidgeon on wanting and longing to be with her inside him. An iota of his affection for her universe of pining.
“But we could always FaceTime, right?” he suggested, perking up as if his bright idea was the solution they were looking for.
The problem, she realized, was not how they could live apart from one another. The problem was how to survive the distance, the heartache and the loneliness from being apart from him. At an arm’s length away, she rested easy in knowing he was there. He wasn’t hers. But he was there when she needed him.
But to be so far away from him? It would crush her. And then, maybe her stupid heart would finally realize what’s good for her.
Maybe the distance was the solution to the irresistible force paradox. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Only this time, her love for Dowoon might not be as unstoppable.
After the theme park date, getting to meet each other proved to be a bit more difficult. Graduation was looming and there were a ton and two hundred more things to finish and submit.
One odd free afternoon, Dowoon spent it with his hyungs. It was a Friday. Jae, Sungjin, and Younghyun were luckily free, too. They were eating their weight in street food at the carts behind one of the buildings in their university, talking about none other than Dowoon’s fake dating scheme with his best friend.
“Do you think that’s smart?” Jae quietly asked Dowoon. The youngest had just bit on his tteokbeokki and almost choked on it at Jae’s surprising question.
Jae-hyung wasn’t the one who discussed emotions and feelings with Dowoon. If anything, Dowoon could count on him for staying out of difficult questions and helping him keep his sanity by inviting him to rounds of video games.
To say his question caught him off guard was an understatement.
“Uhm, you meant biting into a piping hot tteokbeokki?” Dowoon tried to deflect.
Jae glared at him. “You know better than to side-step my question, Dowoon-ie”
Out of nowhere, Younghyun slung a free arm over Dowoon’s shoulders, jostling him and making some of the tteokbeokki sauce slosh around his cup. “Jae, stop asking difficult questions. Dowoon overthinks enough as it is.”
“Which is a sign that maybe, just maybe, some things are wrong,” Jae answered without missing a beat.
Younghyun sighed. “You’re wrong.”
“You just want to say that to my face!” Jae almost screamed at Younghyun before laughing.
Quietly, Sungjin took his place between Jae and Dowoon. “You guys know everyone around us could hear your loud voices, right?”
Simultaneously, Jae and Younghyun answered him.
“Who cares?”
“Let them hear!”
Sungjin sighed tiredly before leveling a serious look at Dowoon. “Quit it before someone ends up hurting.”
It was the first time Sungjin spoke about Rei and Wendy’s stupid fake dating plan. Dowoon shrugged off Younghyun’s arm before turning to face Sungjin better.
Sungjin had always been the voice of reason in their small band. Dowoon could always count on his hyung to offer wise words and guide him into making difficult decisions. Aside from this being the only time Sungjin spoke up about his fake relationship, it was also the first time Sungjin told him what to do.
This had never happened before.
“Hyung, you know I’ll never hurt Rei,” Dowoon said almost too solemnly.
“You won’t,” Sungjin started. “But who’s to say she won’t?”
“What?” Dowoon’s forehead creased in confusion.
Sungjin shrugged. “I’m sure about you. You love Rei to the point that you’d never mindlessly do something to ruin your friendship with her. You humor her whims and wishes a little too much for you to ever hurt her feelings.”
“But… you couldn’t return her feelings after all these years. You’re lenient and kind, but you’re never dishonest. You never returned her feelings because you can’t. Not yet. Not then. This time is different. This time, she’s trying to experience all the things she couldn’t because you couldn’t give anything back. This is her last ditch effort and she’s all in for herself.”
Sungjin paused.
A breath or two passed before Younghyun, the drama lover, spoke. “Do you think… this is Rei’s revenge on Dowoon after all those years of unrequited love?”
Dowoon scoffed. “Hyung, no offense but I’m incredibly offended at how low you think of Rei. She’s not mean and selfish like that!”
“It’s not being mean or selfish. She’s just getting what she wants for herself. For the first time, she’s being kind to herself,” Jae quietly said. There was a dark shadow that passed on his face.
Interesting.
Before Dowoon could think more about Jae’s cryptic but wise words, Younghyun piped in, “That’s being selfish.”
“You wouldn’t know the difference between being selfish and loving one’s self until you’ve run yourself ragged, to the ground, with nothing else to give except the very last fiber of your heart and being, and you had to choose whether you take the last breath or you give it up for someone else.” An uncharacteristically acerbic reply from Jaehyung.
Sungjin clamped a hand on Jae’s shoulders as if to hold him back. “Okaaaay. That’s enough.”
“But my advice stands. Quit it before someone gets hurt.”
Dowoon looked at Sugnjin with a serious expression on his face. “Too late, hyung.”
“Whaaaat?” Younghyun piped in beside Dowoon.
“Fuck,” Sungjin cursed. “What do you mean?”
“I think… whatever happens from here on out… I mean, you all know about Rei’s application to get her master’s degree in Sweden, right?”
Younghyun nodded empathically. Sungjin and Jae, as the stoics of the group, only waited until Dowoon explained.
But he didn’t. So Younghyun did what he did best, translate for Dowoon. “He meant Rei was leaving anyway. Whatever happens, his heart would be broken.”
“I mean, not my heart…” Dowoon defensively said.
“Then what? Your dick?” Sungjin countered.
Dowoon sputtered and blushed heavily at his hyung’s insinuation. “What, no! I was thinking of my friendship with her!”
Jae shook his head at Dowoon’s foolishness. Their youngest still thought he was only friends with Rei? Dowoon was smart, but apparently not at this. “Dowoonie, you couldn’t be any more wrong."
“What? No, I mean...” Dowoon took a deep breath. “Sure, I am beginning to see Rei in a different light. She’s really fun to be with, in ways I didn’t know before.” He crossed his arms and brought one hand to his chin, as if in thought.
“These dates we had are really nice. We hung out a lot before, but it’s different now. Like, we both try to be more creative and there is purpose when we hang out. It… kind of challenges me to think outside the box and think about what other stuff Rei would enjoy doing,” Dowoon explained, still deep in his thoughts that he missed Younghyun’s sly smile.
“Oh, I know what Rei would want to do all the time,” Younghyun said.
Sungjin only glared at him to shut him up.
“And no matter what happens at the end of the forty days, I’ll just end up alone anyway. Rei is leaving for Sweden. I’m gonna be left alone here. I don’t want to think of anything more than that. I can’t. The endgame won’t change anyways.”
Jae stepped closer to Dowoon to hold onto the younger’s shoulders and shake him a little. “Then all the more reason for you not to fuck the last days up. You have a finite amount of time with her. Make sure it counts.”
Jae continued shaking him, all the while Dowoon could only look at his hyung with fear and terror in his eyes. “Hyung, I couldn’t fall in love with her. She will break me,” he said with complete certainty, his words emphasizing the inevitable.
“Like you aren’t in love with her yet. Be honest. You never really looked at anyone else the whole time because you had Rei anyway. She was practically your girlfriend without either of you saying anything,” Sungjin piped in beside them.
“But Dowoonie. Here’s the thing. We could all see it. Rei could see it, I’m sure. But she needs to hear you say it. Your words, your consent, those are the things that count. Maybe she’s just waiting for you to say something. Maybe it could change the tides,” Jae said. There was something in Jae's eyes that spoke of regret and heartbreak but they disappeared before Dowoon could point it out.
Jae cleared his throat before he continued playfully, “And what are you talking about? We’re here, aren’t we? We’re not about to leave you, okay? And if you don’t like our old faces, you can always try Wonpil… who is missing in action today. Where is he anyway?”
“What’s it to you?” Younghyun piped in quietly, obviously stirring more drama.
“The thing is, Rei might have been your friend for a long time. We can’t compete with how long you’ve been with her as a friend. But we’re here, Dowoonie. We won’t leave you,” Sungjin said. His face was set seriously for a couple of heartbeats before a shiver visibly ran down from his shoulders to hips. “Ah! This is too much talking about feelings! I feel like I need to punch a wall after this.”
Dowoon laughed his deep, melodic laugh, followed by Jae and Younghyun. The galaxies in Sungjin’s eyes sparkled, and all was well in the world.
If you asked Rae, she’d rather spend the entire day at Dowoon’s place instead of wasting her entire day freaking sorting out the thesis room in their department. It was a menial but tedious job that she couldn’t say no to because her favorite professor asked her for help.
Good thing Wendy was there to waste her time with. Heh.
As they pore over various red, hardbound thesis papers and manually encode their abstracts on the old laptops provided by their department, Wendy smoothly went, “So, how’s dating your unrequited love?”
Rei had to put down the riveting study on crystal structures (translation: it was super boring) and looked at Wendy. “What’s this about?”
Wendy shrugged, her face contorted into an I’m-not-saying-anything-bad face. “I’m just asking…”
“No, you’re not. You’ve been actively avoiding any topic about my relationship with Dowoon, Wendy. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that.”
“Well,” Wendy blew a raspberry. “To be fair, it’s hardly a relationship.”
Rei slammed the thesis hard on the table. “It is a relationship.”
“Yeah, because you had to twist his arm to go out with you. You showed him your drunk cute face. Of course, he’d say yes to you. He could never, and I mean, never, resist you,” Wendy said as she rolled her eyes.
Something in Rei stopped and started at Wendy’s statement. Her brain was ready to cut open, prod, and study that, “He could never resist you,” statement. She’s ready to go full scientist and overthink.
She might even have it engraved on her tombstone. “Kang Rei: the girl who Yoon Dowoon could never resist.”
Seemingly aware of what was happening in her brain, Wendy reached out and tapped her forcefully on her arm. “Rei! Wake up!”
“What, I’m sorry! You know how dumb I could be for Dowoon,” Rei said as she rubbed her arm.
“Exactly. You’re being dumb for him. Again. This isn’t what I planned for when I told you to go out and date around,” Wendy seethed.
“I really don’t understand what you’re so angry about. I’m going out. I’m having the time of my life going out with someone interesting and I honestly care about. What else do you want?”
“I didn’t mean for you to date Dowoon!” Wendy exclaimed. Her eyes were a little wide and wild.
“It was supposedly an exercise to make you see that the world is so much more than just your obsession with Dowoon.”
“Well, it wasn’t an obsession. I love him,” Rei countered defensively. As if being in love with Dowoon was on a different, far superior level than obsession.
“No, Rei. You fixated on Dowoon. You couldn’t let him go because without him, who would you be? Your entire identity is now the girl who was in love with Dowoon the drummer.”
Rei sat up straighter on her seat. Her chest tightened. Her eyes stung. Of course, Wendy’s words weren’t new to her. She thought of these things before. She had been telling herself, and sometimes Wendy, too, these things.
She just never thought Wendy would use them against her.
“But… what’s so wrong about that?”
“If you honestly cannot tell what is wrong with letting your obsession with one boy be your identity, then you have a very big problem, Rei.”
Wendy’s eyes softened. “There’s nothing wrong with your love for Dowoon the first few years. But eventually, it took over your life, you know? You would beg off night outs and parties just to watch them practice at the Blue Room. You would turn down study dates with cute guys, just because Dowoon needs someone to accompany him to the freakin’ music shop.”
“You were missing out because you were choosing to do so and Dowoon was just your choice of excuse. It’s… harmful.”
But Rei knew all these already. She knew what she was doing while she was doing them. She knew she was choosing Dowoon over one study date, one night out with her classmates. One college event after another until begging off to spend time with Dowoon became just one of the things she did.
Sure, she studied. She never let her academics suffer from her love. But, aside from being a student and a primary Dowoon lover, she wasn’t anything. She would attend the annual university fair, sure. Because she was Dowoon’s best friend and she had to watch their band perform. She only roamed around the fair grounds because she would tag along the band, but she never went out with her classmates.
Her entire college life revolved around Yoon Dowoon and her sad unrequited love for him.
“You’re right…” Rei said quietly.
“But Wendy…” She looked up to her friend with glistening eyes. “What… How…”
Suddenly, “What should I do now?” and “How do I move on from here?” got stuck on her throat along with five hundred other variants of heartbreak.
Rei couldn’t collect the right words to say on time. A sob broke out of her before the whole dam of unresolved feeling and unrequited passion burst out of her frail body.
Wendy leaped out of her seat to wrap her arms around Rei’s shaking body and held her tight. Rei’s arms hurriedly wrapped around her friend, holding on for dear life. It felt like if she let up even an inch, she would fall apart, until all the molecules that make up her entire being would dissolve into thin air.
“What should I do now?” she kept on repeating on Wendy’s shirt.
What should I do now?
And Wendy just let her cry.
iii.
acoustic attenuation
The ocean called for Rei.
Whenever she had a hard time figuring her life out, she would always go on a quick trip to a nearby beach town and just listen to the crashing of the waves. She would take a mat, some snacks, and lay a picnic mat on the white sand and bask in the warm sun. And it helped. Realizing how big the world was, how immense the ocean, how ancient nature was, helped put her life into perspective.
The world would go on. Her problems would end some day. No matter how small or big, how simple or complicated, the world would go on.
That’s what she loved about physics, too. If one went down to details, there would be formulas, constants, and variables. Every problem has a solution, whether known by men or not yet. But when one took a step back, finding a solution to one problem is regardless. The world continued to work.
You could take a step back when one problem was not working out. Focus on other things. Marvel on the wonders of how the world runs. And dive back in. Your problem was still there, but now, at least, you’d gain a broader perspective. A new way to look at things. New knowledge to help you find the solution to your problems.
Perhaps getting an inspiration from another solution to another problem.
Physics and life imitate each other like that.
So when Rei couldn’t stand the buzzing in her head, she decided to take a step back.
She needed to think.
So she hauled her ass to the nearest beach.
And maybe she had dragged Dowoon with her, which could be a mistake, but…
She needed him.
She needed to savor these last few days with him.
(D-8)
They arrived late last night, which was a good thing. It gave her time to take a nap, wake up early at sunrise, and watch as the sun painted the sky that deep lavender color as the world slowly woke up.
Mornings like this were the only time she could bother to wake up early.
(Aside from that magical breakfast date she had with Dowoon a few weeks back.)
How different things were.
Back then, she was head over heels in love with Dowoon. She would twist and turn every word, every interaction with him in her mind until it fitted the vision she wanted to have with him. She would do everything and anything to date him.
And it was nice. Her 32 days with him was a reward, a gift, in itself. For all the waiting she did, for all the suffering she had.
But Wendy was right. The world did not owe her anything for her quiet suffering, waiting for Dowoon to return her love.
Don’t get her wrong. Rei loved every single moment with Dowoon.
But it wasn’t enough.
“You’re here,” a deep voice rough with sleep said behind her.
Dowoon was in his favorite soft white shirt and loose beige pants. He was still rubbing the sleep off his tired eyes. He drove them all the way from the city last night, right after band practice. This trip was really very spontaneous. She was grateful he was fine to come with her.
Despite his grogginess, he must have sensed how incredibly sensitive Rei was feeling that morning. He stood beside her, giving her enough breathing and thinking space.
“Whoa, this is very pretty. The hyungs must see this,” Dowoon muttered before taking out his phone and snapping some pictures.
Rei was also grateful for Dowoon’s bandmates. Her worried heart rested easy knowing she would be leaving Dowoon with friends. Not alone. Never alone.
All the while as she chose to embrace loneliness. Being alone. On purpose.
She took a deep breath and looked at the sun rising.
Some things figure themselves out.
They had a light breakfast after watching the sun rise. Afterwards, Dowoon found out there was a beautiful waterfall they could hike to. It was a short hike but it definitely challenged Rei’s rather sedentary lifestyle.
It definitely worked them up to have some appetite for dinner.
And so now, sharing a few bottles of local craft beer and a hefty serving of fried chicken, their tired bodies felt nice against the soft couch of their hotel room.
“Do you regret going on that hike?” Dowoon asked. He always did this. He always looked after her well-being even before they started dating. Maybe it was just the friend in him. Maybe he was just being himself, a decent human being.
Even so, it made her feel wonderful. It made her feel as if she were special.
It made her feel loved.
“I’m okay. Seeing the waterfalls up close was the reward,” she answered. She closed her eyes and felt for his hand. She clutched it in hers loosely.
“I’m happy you enjoyed that activity.” She could hear the small smile in his voice. “I didn’t know if you would be up to it, but it was nice, right. I enjoyed the cold water after the tiring hike.”
He tightened his hold on her hand. In a deep, husky voice, he added, “I also loved being able to kiss you under the waterfall. That was romantic, right?”
So was he only doing it because he thought that was a romantic thing to do? Did he have a checklist of the things he thought she would find romantic?
She didn’t know why, but somehow, it kind of soured the moment for her.
Slowly, she took her hand out of his hold. She sat up straighter and turned to him. “Dowoon...”
Dowoon slowly opened his eyes before he regarded her for a few breaths. One eternity, two.
He only watched her, seeming to sense the shift.
She saw his Adam’s apple bob.
Rei didn’t trust herself not to sob. Her throat had begun to close up, tightening with emotions as they rose up from her. “Thank you… for these last few days. I know you love me as a friend before this trial dating thing. But being able to really date you… has been an experience.”
She looked down and saw how tightly her hands were clasped on her lap, as if she herself was the only thing keeping herself together.
Subconsciously, she wondered if one wrong breath, one wrong move, would she disintegrate? Would her molecules come apart and disperse?
It felt like it.
Dowoon knew, without any shadow of doubt, that it was the beginning of the end. His battle was lost before he could even fight for himself, for them. But he couldn’t just lay his weapons down.
He had to try.
He thought he had this trip at least, to appeal to Rei and make his case before her.
They could continue doing this.
They could still be together. Apart. What was 7,554 kilometers? It was just numbers and figures that didn’t matter. Not when he just discovered how much he wanted this thing he had with Rei not to end.
Did he love her? He still didn’t know.
He just knew the sheer terror of her leaving him. Of not having her around. Of her not waiting for him outside his drum practices. Of her not asking him out spontaneously to eat out. Of her not crashing his place from time to time.
Not having to hold her hand for a long, long time.
Suddenly, his hands felt empty.
Who was he without anything to hold?
Who was he without her hands to hold?
Terror gripped his heart, tightening like a vice until he couldn’t hold it in anymore. “It didn’t have to end. We didn’t have to end,” he croaked.
His eyes, shining with emotions, sought hers. Tears were already streaming down her face.
He inched closer to hold her face in his hands, gently, with all the tenderness he had for her. His thumbs wiped away her tears. This wouldn’t be the last time, he vowed. He would be there to wipe away her tears in the future, just like how he did before. He would be there for her smiles, for her victories, for her defeats, for her existence. Beside her.
Maybe not for the foreseeable future. But he would be there. He had to be there.
He had no other place in this world than beside Rei, that much was clear to him now.
“We could make it work,” he began. “I could stay for a year here, finish the contract I’ve already signed with the college. But I could look up schools in Sweden. Stockholm has some nice music schools, too.”
Rei shook her head. She continued to shake her head as he droned on, fighting for them.
“Babe, I could. Don’t say no. I could move for you,” Dowoon pleaded.
“No. You can’t do that. Your life is here. Your career is here. The band is here,” Rei said.
“And more importantly…” Rei removed her hands from themselves and took Dowoon’s hands from her face. Clutching them, holding his hands in hers as if she were the one now to plead before him.
“Please let me have this,” she said quietly, softly. “Let me have this. This chance to make my life on my own. Build my life to how I want it to be.”
“But I always supported you, you know that…” Dowoon tried to plead.
“Yes, I know. You did. You still do. But Dowoon… for the past years, I’ve lived my life for you.”
Dowoon shook his head. “No. No, you didn’t. You lived it for yourself. I just happened to be there beside you.”
Rei smiled sadly. “Then, that means you didn’t even notice it. That I’ve built my life around yours. And maybe that’s on me.”
“No, it’s not your fault,” Dowoon countered.
Rei shook her head. “I love you, Dowoon. For seven years now. And I think that’s enough time I dedicated myself to you.”
Dowoon didn’t speak again. He only held on to Rei’s hands.
“I have to choose myself now. I have to love myself now the way I loved you for the past seven years. Wendy was right, you know. She had been telling me I’ve been choosing you and relying on you, using you as an excuse, to avoid living my life. To avoid making difficult decisions and just stay on what was safe and comfortable for me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with playing it safe,” Dowoon argued.
Rei smiled. “But it’s not how we should live our lives. I don’t want to look back and realize I’ve lived on the sidelines the entire time I was here in this world, just like I did my entire college life.”
“I have to get out there and live for myself, Dowoon.”
Dowoon didn’t reply. He looked down at their hands, clasped together. Probably for the last time. He tried to take it all in, this one memory of her warm hands in his, of her love and their forever in this single moment.
He took a deep breath. “Could I ask for one last favor?”
Rei nodded her head. “What is it?”
“You’ve had forty days to experience what it could be with us. I’m slow and stupid. I should have realized this before. But,” he shrugged. It had already happened. He missed all the shots he did not take. He was stupid for thinking his comfort and safe space with Rei would last forever. “Could I have this one night with you?”
There were many things that Dowoon would remember from that night for the rest of his life: his first love, the fear of her leaving, the anxiety of feeling their chance slip through his fingers even though he fought so hard and begged so hard, and the bittersweet taste of Rei’s lips on his own.
He was sure she was the one who initiated the kiss. He could remember her soft thumb, tracing his jawline from the corner of his chin up to his cheeks, until the warm embrace of her palms cupped the skin below his ear. He felt her breath dance before his lips, her silent yes against his pleading mouth.
It started with a small nip, a nibble, before her lips pressed against his in the beginning of their end.
He welcomed her into his arms and held on, tightly. As if that could prevent her from leaving. As if he could prevent her from leaving at all. He couldn’t. His conscience would not take it.
She was meant to fly high, to discover how the world works and be known for her brilliant ideas. She wasn’t meant to be caged in some safe, stagnant space like his arms.
His heart clenched. His eyes burned from unshed tears behind his closed lids.
He pulled away from their kiss, only to dive back in more properly and more deeply this time. A proper kiss for the love of his young life.
For now, at this moment, there was only Rei and their stolen moment against the flow of time. Time that didn’t bless them with any grace or mercy.
His hands found her thighs before he made sure they secured against his hips and stood up. Rei pulled away and hid her face against his neck. The distance from the couch to their room seemed endless and finite, all at the same time.
He had to open the damn door to enter first.
He pressed Rei against the wall, hiked her up securely against him, before one of his hands found the doorknob.
He felt Rei’s legs wrap around his small waist tightly, more tightly, before she cupped his hand with her hands and kissed him deeply. Her hands clutched at his hair. Pain mixed with pleasure.
Before he could even open the door to their room, Rei was already tracing a burning path from his jawline to his neck.
And then he felt her nibble on the tender skin below his ear, licking once before she sucked.
A moan escaped his lips as his free hand found the back of her head, guiding her the direction of her kisses and nibbles.
He could hear her pressing her vows, her I love you’s, the ones that would fill tonight and last a lifetime.
They found each other, skin to skin, with their heartbeats beating as one. In this tiny eternity, Dowoon was home with Rei. Tonight, they were the fragments of the future they once dreamed of at the banks of Han River. Tonight, there was a tomorrow where their kids will knock incessantly at their door, hollering that school will start in an hour or so, and they need breakfast. In that alternate universe, he was her husband, and she his wife.
In that alternate universe, they would have their happily ever after. They would have each other, every day and every night. The kisses wouldn’t end. The embrace would always be warm. It would be their home when the world would be too harsh and too greedy.
It would be their safe space in this turbulent and unstable universe.
Tonight, their sighs and moans had to be etched into their memories, a shrine for the future that could have been.
And tomorrow, they would be Rei and Dowoon. Childhood friends, once lovers.
-
I will not change for the rest of my life,
because I’m so desperate like this.
If I get worn out, and the winter rain comes, please,
remember this night and us at this very moment.
Your Ocean, Hoppipolla
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Epilogue
Crissey Han fiddled with her Sony 4k camera, trying to make it stand firmly. For the last five minutes, it kept on toppling over, already taking down one pastel-colored macaron in its clumsy descent.
“Let me know when you’re done with that,” Dowoon said beside her. Crissey and her arranged fianc é Dowoon were seated on the same side of a booth at a swanky hotel near the river banks. The morning sun was warm and soft as it poured through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Their table was at the best spot of the restaurant. Audrey Song’s father wanted Crissey to feature his new breakfast menu on her vlog, which gave them free tickets to the often fully-booked breakfast club.
Finally, the camera was secured. Crissey sat back and turned to Dowoon with a pout and a glare. “Thanks for all the help, fianc é .”
Dowoon had just popped in one of the few remaining macarons into his mouth. In between bites, he managed to bite out, “You’re very welcome, fianc ée.”
Crissey released a frustrated sigh. Before she picked up her fork to dig into the luscious egg benedict in front of her. Acting innocently, she began, “I heard from the grapevine someone’s back.”
“Who?” Dowoon asked absentmindedly. He was already halfway through the cheesy omelette in front of him. Having been in one of Crissey’s vlog episodes before, he knew he had to say something about the food they were having so Crissey could use some cuts. “I like this omelette. Very cheesy.”
Crissey snuck a glance at him, still serious.
“What?” he asked. His hand rubbed a spot on Crissey’s cheek. There wasn’t anything there, but he was not on the level of intimacy with her to admit he was just looking for an excuse to touch her.
“Fine, who’s back that had you all in a tizzy? Okay, wait a second, there’s still some crumbs over here...” Dowoon swiftly lowered his head to sneak in a kiss at the corner of her mouth. “Crissey, seriously, for a chef and a food vlogger, you eat so messily.”
His kiss and lopsided smirk could have ended Crissey if it weren’t for the worry in her heart.
Before she could say anything, something entered their peripheral vision. Someone walked closer to their table before a familiar voice broke through Dowoon and Crissey’s stare off.
“Hi, Dowoon. Long time no see.”
Dowoon jumped away from Crissey in surprise. He was halfway out of his seat when he realized there was no apparition in front of him. It wasn’t his fever dreams.
Rei was finally back in Seoul.
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acoustic theory playlist
Your Ocean - Hoppipolla
Your Ocean - Inst. - Hoppipolla
My Universe (Seungmin, I.N. Feat. Changbin) - Stray Kids
끝나지 않을 이야기 (Neverending Story) - Stray Kids
Take Me To You - GOT7
놓아 놓아 놓아 Letting Go - DAY6
놓아 놓아 놓아 Letting Go (Rebooted Ver.) - DAY6
First Time - DAY6
Like a flowing wind - DAY6
You Were Beautiful (예뻤어) - DAY6
Congratulations (Final ver.) - DAY6