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The last watch had begun what felt like hours ago. Hyrule had fallen face-first into his bedroll as soon as Four was up, leaving him alone.
Alone wasn't the right word. There were always one or two voices in the back of his mind, unrelenting as they spoke and argued. They never let him truly have any silence, but he didn't mind, as long as he could focus on the task ahead of him.
Sometimes, though, like tonight, they wouldn't leave him be. The voices would be too loud to focus, to breathe. It was always hard not to notice their presence in Four's mind, but other times it was impossible to ignore it. The cons of being split into four separate entities, he guessed.
Four kept his breaths even. In and out. In and out, silent, easy, and calm. He kept his focus on the things around him. The wind against his skin is cold, reddening his cheeks. The night was quiet, save for the soft snores from his companions and the animal that scurried through the bushes every now and then. Every moment or so, Four would hear a cricket, too, despite the chill of the night. He kept his focus on the material of his clothes, not too soft but not rough, either. He breathed in the air, noting the smell of distant rain and the ashes of the fire.
Meditation was one of the few things that kept his mind entirely at ease. The presence of, well, himself in the back of his mind was never easy to ignore, nor would it ever go away, but sometimes it was easier to forget there were other people talking when he focused on literally everything else. It helped him separate the colors into sections. Letting them drift always got him confused-- who was talking? Red? Blue? Was the bitterness he felt unreasonable, or was it bright for a reason? Was one of him upset, or was it all four?
So he kept them in their own little rooms when it got too much. A time out, if you will.
The only reason he knew someone else had woken up was that he had kept the colors from mixing. Four peeked an eye open, watching as Wild plopped down next to him. He wasn't shaking, nor had he even looked scared. He simply looked exhausted, just like Four felt.
"Couldn't sleep?" Four asked, glancing back at his new guest. Wild shook his head, licking his slightly chapped lips. There were bags under his eyes, and his shoulders were slumped. Even so, he looked unusually at peace, eyes unmoving from the world ahead of him. Four hummed, closing his eyes again.
After another moment of silence, Wild asked, "What're you doing?"
"I'm meditating. It helps me... find a sense of self, I suppose. Helps me concentrate." Four asked. He took a glance at Wild. "Why? Do you want to talk?"
He shrugged, a sheepish smile on his face. "I don't want to interrupt anything. Besides, I don't know what I'd say."
Four understood. He was never one great with words, either. It was very unlike Time or Sky, who seemingly always knew what to say. They always had the right words to go along with a situation, but Four couldn't find what was right to say as quickly as they could. It was funny, really, considering there were four of him. Yet not a single one of them could think of something to say on the spot that didn't sound empty.
Wild let his eyes wander up to the sky. The stars were brighter than they had been in a while, Four had noted. Wild's Hyrule had no civilizations to steal the night sky away, and in a way, he was envious. There hadn't been a time when he could truly see the sky as he could now.
Neither of them said anything for a while. They listened to the fire crackling behind them, dimming as the night went on. They watched the sky, and how the clouds rolled over the stars but were never really solid enough to get rid of their light entirely. In the darkness, they sat quietly, wondering who would speak first, and what they would say in response. Neither of them made a move to look at each other, or even opened their mouths to speak. It was serene, for a while.
Perhaps Wild had found the words he wanted, as the silence was interrupted by his voice.
"I don't know why, but..." Wild began, his voice as quiet as a whisper. "I don't really feel like anything anymore."
Four hummed, tilting his head. He made no move to speak, but the implication that he was listening was still there. Another moment of silence passed.
"I remembered something, earlier. It wasn't anything significant, or even a physical memory... but it was a feeling. A conversation, I think, from 100 years ago. The details aren't important but I... back then, I didn't really know who I was, either." Wild said. He sighed, moving a hand to move his bangs out of his face. "The few things I remember from back then... he was something entirely different from me. A person I could never wish to reach."
The stars blinked with a moment's hesitation. Four turned, looking at the champion. "Did you?"
Wild scoffed. "Wish to be him? Goddesses-- yes. When I woke up, so many people told me who I needed to be, and what I needed to do. I hadn't even remembered my own name, and nobody had bothered to tell me, but I was still placed upon a pedestal. Nobody had realized the person they needed had died, with someone else taking his place. But even with a goal... I didn't..."
There was an arm stretched out over his eyes. He lay completely still, as if listening for even the faintest of judgment from Four. Maybe even the forest, too. But there was no judgment. Not a single fiber of his being could judge Wild for this-- not when Four was... well, four.
The sword had split him in a way that nobody could ever truly understand. Nobody knew what it felt like to be ripped apart, for the pieces to be glued in a mocking sense of what they used to be. Of what he used to be.
Maybe nobody would understand exactly what he had been through, and what he had become. But there were exceptions, and there were people that knew what it felt, even if it wasn't quite the same.
"You didn't know what you were supposed to be." Four finished. Wild sighed, a mirthless laugh interrupting the quiet.
"It's weird, isn't it?"
Four shrugged. "Not to me. I... went through something similar. Not as extreme as dying, I suppose, but I had been... taken apart. Left to be someone entirely different than I had been before. It's hard to remember what it felt like to be the person that I was, and sometimes I still have trouble figuring out who I'm supposed to be."
It wasn't exactly a lie. In truth-- Four had spoken with complete honesty. Trying to be so honest and make sense while completely avoiding the entire truth of the story was difficult. Never had he thought explaining the result of the Four Sword without actually mentioning it would be so agonizing.
He didn't know who he was supposed to be, sometimes. For the most part, Four was content just being Four. Different parts of his personality were still parts of his personality, after all. Whatever Four had split up into, they were still him. He still had a sense of himself, even if they were put into physical manifestations. The more vivid, brighter sides of him, and the darker, less upfront sides of him. They were all him. It wasn't as if he had become an entirely different person, as Wild had been talking about.
Even so... Four knew he wasn't the same person he had been before the sword split him apart. It wasn't in the sense of the things he had gone through changing him-- no. He was himself, but put back together in a way that wasn't himself. Whoever Four had been before the Four Sword was dead, just as whoever Wild had been before the Calamity was. They had the same fate, and while their outcomes were different, it didn't change the fact that neither of them could be the same person they used to be, no matter how much they wished to.
"Yeah, I think I get it," Wild said. "There isn't a guide for people like us. We've changed, but... that doesn't let us escape what we were supposed to be."
No, it doesn't.
With a hum, Four turned back to the sky. Distantly, he knew the sun would rise soon. Whatever peaceful quiet he and Wild had found would disappear, losing itself among the messy mourning routine their group had thrown together. He needed more time to be left in such tranquility, but he was sure there wouldn't be much of it left.
The silence that had settled upon them then was suffocating. Four didn't know what it was, but he liked to believe he was keen on sensing things like this. Perhaps it was just him, and the things he wanted to say but didn't. He could hope it was just the air in his lungs that felt like bricks, and not the night as a whole. But if he glanced back at Wild, he would notice there was a similar sense of wrongness settled within him, too. The only sound that came from camp was the shifting of sleeping heroes and the fire now sizzling out.
"If you could, would you go back?" Wild asked suddenly. It was one of those moments where he sounded much younger than they treated him.
The air felt as if it had frozen over at his words. Everything stilled, pausing to listen for his reply. The stars waited, blinking down on them, and the wind stilled. Not a cloud moved, nor did a breeze pass by. Even the fireflies paused, unblinking.
Four didn't know what to think. There were parts of him that begged and screamed and cried, aching to split apart and see the world through separate eyes. There were parts of him that were aching to be whole, to truly be whole, to be a single person, instead of bits and pieces of his personality jumbled into shapes and colors. He had taken form as a single entity, but with each passing day, the feeling of being a broken puzzle grew. It was as though his pieces had been put together in a way that didn't quite fit, but there was a picture nonetheless.
To go back to being whole again was a fever dream. It was something that never left his subconscious, coming back at his most vulnerable times, but it was never something he actively thought about. In fact, Four didn't know if he ever had even let himself hope that he could be whole, truly whole. There was never time, with different parts of him whispering in his ears. It was always so loud that he had long since forgotten the quiet.
But... to be truly whole, would he lose these parts of him? These distinct pieces that had nowhere else to go. Would he lose them? Would they disappear, just as his old self had? Or would they simply be stitched back together, like a puzzle made complete? The pieces were still there, and they still helped create the whole, but the picture they once had when they were put into different places was gone. Whatever they once had would be gone. He wondered, then, if Four would lose this version of himself and become someone new entirely.
Four didn't know what to think. But he knew what to believe.
"No." Four said. "I wouldn't."
There was shuffling beside him. Wild sat up, looking up at him as if waiting for an explanation. An explanation that Four didn't quite have.
He sighed, kicking at the rocks near his boots. "It's... complicated. If I could go back to what I once was... I'm afraid I would lose this version of me, the one that's talking to you here and now. I would lose what we have, what I have with everyone I know. I would lose things I don't have, and things I don't even know exist. Whatever is coming for me in the future, I would lose that, too."
Four wondered if Wild would understand. He hadn't ever been the one to truly be afraid of anything.
"I'm scared of that, too." Four looked back, watching the twist of emotions cross over Wild's face. "I can't say I know him as much as you knew the old you, but I am afraid of losing this. Me, the person you all love, and whatever the future holds for me. It's not exactly perfect, and sometimes it sucks... but what I have now is mine. I don't want to lose it in exchange for what I had then."
It had been a while since someone had said something that Four understood so well. It made him shiver, sending a chill up his spine.
"It doesn't feel right sometimes." Four said. "It doesn't feel right sometimes, and maybe it never will. Sometimes things just change."
"Sometimes things just change," Wild echoed. Four could hear him smile as he spoke. "I guess that's not so bad. I mean, I met you guys, didn't I?"
Four laughed as quietly as he could. "Yeah. Even if they get on my nerves sometimes, they're not so bad."
"It's... nice, to travel with others."
I'm not alone anymore. Four heard it, loud and clear.
Perhaps that was one of the things they differed on. Four was never alone, even when he wanted to be the most. The voices in his head would only remain silent long enough for him to regain his sense, and even then it was never really quite enough. Even so... he knew what it was like to be lonely all too well.
There were hints of pink and golden hues inching over the horizon. The peaks of light were getting brighter as the moments passed by, silencing the stars above them. The enclave they had decided to set camp in for the night was relatively sheltered by trees. Four doubted any of them would be woken up from the sunlight. Even so, he hoped the others would wake soon. There was an itch under his skin that begged for him to move. His leg bounced, and he bit his cheek.
Emotions. They always made him antsy. Four never knew why-- only that they made his insides stir in a way that made him want to move. It was different from how many of the others seemed to deal with things. Wild and Legend always looked ready to pass out after any kind of emotional occurrence. Time, too, always needed some time for himself after talking to someone. It was barely comparable to the way Sky, Hyrule, and Wind always tried to cheer everyone up with a joke or a song.
Every inch of his being yelled at him to get up and do something. Maybe Wild noticed, because he stood with a stifled yawn. His joints popped as he stretched. With a shake, he turned back to Four and leaned down. Four didn't need to look at the champion to see the mischievous smile he wore.
"Wanna go on a little adventure with me?" He asked. Four suppressed a smile.
It was common enough knowledge that Wild's 'adventures' were, in Wind's exact words, life-changing. He went off on his own quite often, but it seemed as though he only ever offered to take someone else with him when they needed a pick me up. Or, Four noticed, if they had had a 'talk,' like the one they had just seconds ago.
The last time he had been offered to go on one, Four had said no. He would be lying if he said he hadn't regretted the decision for a while.
"I'm still on watch. What kind of adventure?"
Wild laughed. "Nothing too scary, don't worry. I thought I'd show you how to gather some ingredients. We won't go too far, I promise!"
"You always say that." Four said. Even so, he found himself smiling, standing up. Ignoring the way his leg felt like static, and how his back popped when he turned. Wild stood at the forest's edge with a bright smile, beckoning for Four to follow. It didn't take long for him to get himself to walk, and he would be lying if he said he didn't want to follow.