Work Text:
Setting: courtroom, day
Court clerk-"All rise for the honourable judge Brian."
Everyone stood as the judge entered the courtroom.
Court clerk-"You may be seated."
Everyone sat down again.
Court clerk-"This court is now in session for the case of the prokaryotes vs the eukaryotes. The plaintiff has decided to petition the court for equal rights for all cells, while the defendant feels that they should not be classified in the same group. We will hear from the plaintiff party first."
The plaintiff's lawyer stood.
PL-"Thank you, Your Honour. My client has elected to prove that the two parties should be considered the same under the statute of the law. My client believes that prokaryotic cells and eukaryotic cells should be granted the same rights and freedoms and be considered equal under the law. For our first piece of evidence, we would like to call Mr. Eric Coli to the stand as an expert witness."
E. Coli walked to the witness stand and took a seat.
E. Coli*french accent*-"Thank you, your honour. My name is Coli, first initial E."
Judge-"Mr. Coli, what exactly makes you an expert witness; for this case?"
E. Coli*french accent*- "Well, Your Honour, I am a type of prokaryotic cell, which means that I am qualified to answer any questions that may come up during this trial about prokaryotes."
The plaintiff's lawyer looked around at the court smugly and turned back to the witness, while to defence lawyer discreetly rolled his eyes.
PL- "Now, Mr. Coli, would you please tell us the four basic functions of a cell?"
The defence lawyer stood up.
DL-"Objection!"
Judge-"On what grounds?"
DL-"Leading the witness."
The judge nodded.
Judge-"Sustained."
The plaintiff lawyer's grin disappeared and was replaced with a grim resolve.
PL-"Mr. Coli, do you believe that all cells should be considered the same under the law?"
E. Coli*french accent*-"Oui, non-sorry, I meant yes. Yes, I do believe that all cells should be considered the same."
PL-"Could you tell the court any organelles that you as a prokaryotic cell might have...if any?"
E. Coli*french accent*-"I have ribosomes and a nucleoid, but none of it is membrane-bound."
The plaintiff and his lawyer both paled, while the defence party grinned.
PL-"Would you say there were any more similarities that you are aware of, Mr. Coli?"
E. Coli*french accent*-"Well, as far as I am aware because I am not an expert in eukaryotic cell biology, we both have DNA/RNA, cytoplasm, and a plasma membrane. I personally have a cell wall, which does not occur in every cell."
PL-"No more questions, Your Honour."
He retreated to his seat, and the defence lawyer stood and walked in front of the witness stand.
DL- "Your Honour, my client, has elected to prove that eukaryotic cells and prokaryotic cells are too different to be considered the same. I'd like to call our first witness to the stand."
Mike Rosporidia stood and walked to the witness stand.”
Microsporidia* NY Mobster voice*: “Thank you, Your Honour; my name is Sporidia first initial M. I was asked by the defendant to testify as an expert witness.
Judge-"As I asked Mr. Coli earlier, what exactly makes you an expert witness, Mr. Sporidia?"
Microsporidia* NY Mobster Voice*- "Well, ya see, Your Honour, I am a member of the alleged Fungi crime family, which means that I see a lot of..."
The opposing counsel sprang to his feet.
PL-"Objection!"
The judge sighed.
Judge-"On what grounds"?
PL-"Your Honour, this so-called witness just admitted to being part of a known crime family! How can we trust anything he says?!?"
The defence lawyer sighed and turned to the judge.
DL-"With all due respect, Your Honour, my witness is not the focus of this trial. And he never admitted to being part of any crime family; he said "allegedly," which last I checked does NOT count as incriminating evidence."
The judge nodded and turned to the plaintiff's table.
Judge- "Sorry, Mr. Glenbolo, but Mr. Jareed is right; a witness or person on trial saying that they allegedly did something does not count as suitable evidence to have them dismissed or put in jail. Let the record show that this movement was dismissed, and the witness brought forward by the defence is fit to testify."
The plaintiff's lawyer frowned and sat back down, muttering under his breath about biased judges and stupid laws, but not loud enough that the judge could hear him.
The judge turned to the witness, who was still on the stand and nodded.
Judge-"You may continue."
Microsporidia* NY Mobster Voice*-"Thank you, Your Honour, so as I was sayin, in my line of work, we see a lot of clients who ain't exactly alive no more...because I run a body removal service with my brother Tony and my cousin Antonio."
DL- "Mr. Sporidia, could you tell the court what type of cell you are?"
Microsporidia* NY Mobster Voice*- "Well, I am a Microsporidia, and we are the smallest species of eukaryote to exist, as far as those science quacks know."
Judge-"Mr. Sporidia, please refrain from swearing in my courtroom."
DL-"Mr. Sporidia, if you have any organelles, could you please tell the court what they are, if any?"
Microsporidia* NY Mobster Voice*- "Sure, thing, Mr. Lawyer sir, and I apologize for swearing in your courtroom, Your Honour. My species are a bit different than other eukaryotic cells in that we have two nuclei and no mitochondrion. Instead, we have Mitosomes, which we don't know where they came from but are there instead of the mitochondrion, and they don't have any DNA in them. We also have a polar tubule that some people allegedly use to infect others with their seed."
DL-"Thank you for that explanation, Mr. Sporidia, about your own biology; could you possibly tell us the inner workings of a more complicated species such as a plant cell."
Mike frowned, a little insulted at being compared to a plant.
Microsporidia* NY Mobster Voice*- "Well, ya see, plant cells are eukaryotic too and generally have a lot of different parts. For example, they have a nucleus that has DNA, and inside that nucleus, they have a nucleolus with has RNA, and close to that, they have an endoplasmic reticulum. They also have cytoplasm and a cell wall, and a Golgi apparatus, which I have, but it's a lot simpler."
Judge- "Alright, I believe I have heard enough to come to a verdict; the court will take a 10-minute recess."
*10 Minutes Later*
Everybody is back in their seats.
Judge- "Alright, to wrap up the case of the Prokaryotes vs the Eukaryotes. Based on the evidence presented here today, I have chosen to rule in favour of the prokaryotes, but unfortunately, I do not have the power to change laws, and this case should have never been taken into court. The proper procedure should have been for the plaintiff to take their grievances to their local MP, where it would have been brought to Parliament and discussed there."
The plaintiff's lawyer stood up.
PL- "Your Honour, why did you take the case if you knew you couldn't do anything about it?"
Judge- "Because of two reasons; the first being that I am retiring next week, so I no longer care if I follow proper protocol and the second being that I am trying to prove my point that people need to stop taking everything to court and in that we judges are powerful, but we can't solve every problem."
The plaintiff's lawyer sat down, and the defence lawyer stood angrily.
DL- "So, Your Honour, you took this case to waste everybody's time and to prove a point?!? Who were you trying to prove a point to?"
Judge- "I was trying to prove a point to my wife and my replacement, Judge Jason Smith, that there are some problems that even a judge can't solve. So, thank you, everybody, for being here.”
The judge banged his gavel.
Judge- “Case dismissed.”