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Thank God Averman’s parents were out of town for the weekend. It wasn’t very often that the Ducks could have quote-unquote “parties” outside of their stuffy dorms at Eden Hall. Sure, they went to house parties whenever they could–they had grown to love parties due to the strictness of Eden Hall–but house parties as a team were different. These “parties” weren’t crowded and everyone got to hang out with each other.
Sitting on a decorative table-shelf-thing in Averman’s basement, Charlie looked around the room at all of his friends. He took a sip of his drink, scrunching his nose a little at the taste. He hated to admit it, but he didn’t like the taste of beer. He’d rather drink one of those fruity drinks Connie learned how to make. She was too busy with Guy, though. The two were sat on the couch on the other side of the room shamelessly making out. Charlie was certain they were going to get married despite being so on-and-off since freshman year. He wasn’t really sure what point they were in right now despite being so touchy-feely. They always did this when they got drunk, no matter if they were dating or not.
On the other end of the couch sat Portman and Reed. They were playing Mario Kart 64 on the Nintendo 64 while Dwayne, Ken, and Luis were stood around them desperately waiting their turns to play. Every time Dwayne was handed the controller, he asked how to play. He knew how to, he just forgot every time he drank. This resulted in groans from the drunk and/or high boys around him, making Charlie chuckle to himself.
The brunette took another sip of his drink as his eyes shifted across the room. A few feet in front of him, Averman and Goldberg were trying to set up pong as if they hadn’t played already. However, they seemed to have forgotten the rules and were arguing over who knew the right way to play. Russ would attempt to help them figure it out, but every time he got close to figuring it out, the crossed boys would insist he got it wrong and they’d go back to square one. Charlie loved the two, but they were idiots.
Lastly, to his right was the staircase that Adam and Julie were sat on. The music on the radio mixed with the video game and both shouts from the game and the poor attempt at pong made it hard for Charlie to hear what they were discussing, but it wasn’t his business anyway. The thought of them suddenly being so close bugged him, though. He liked to think that it was because Julie was constantly in their dorm, whether it be to do homework or simply hang out with Adam. Or vice versa, Adam was in Connie and Julie’s room a lot, but he pushed that thought out of his mind quickly. There wasn’t a reason to be jealous of that. He was just a little annoyed Julie was in his space sometimes. That’s all. There’s no reason to be–
Julie and Adam were kissing. No one seemed to notice it, but Charlie did. It was like the world stopped. Everything was in slow motion. The rest of the party faded away as the music and shouting became muffled. Charlie felt… betrayed.
No, there was no reason to be. God, there had to be something stronger he could drink to get rid of these thoughts. He hated that he could still think straight when he was drunk. Maybe his walking got wonky and his words slurred, but his thoughts were there. He needed something else.
Blinking a few times, Charlie got off of the table and walked upstairs, unsure of whether or not he disrupted Adam and Julie. Quite frankly, he didn’t care. He just had to get out of there. Once he reached the dark kitchen, he was unsure if his hearing was still gone or if the music was just muffled from him being upstairs. He took a few breaths and shook his head. He didn’t care that they kissed. He didn’t. There was no reason to care.
The silver tin on the counter was calling his name, so he opened it up and took out a joint before opening and closing the sliding glass door that led to the stone patio in Averman’s backyard. Charlie didn’t like to admit he got high that often, but he loved the feeling too much. It helped him lose himself and his thoughts like drinking couldn’t. He couldn’t feel his limbs and his thoughts turned to smoke.
Hockey sort of did the same thing for him, but hockey wasn’t going to be there forever. Yes, Charlie had a few hockey scholarships calling his name, but what about after that? He wasn’t going to make it in the NHL. Not like Adam was going to. The brunette didn’t even know what he wanted to be when he grew up–as if he wasn’t growing up already. Everyone seemed to have a plan after hockey, except for Charlie. All he knew was hockey, and that freaked him out. All of his thoughts have been freaking him out recently, and weed had helped him forget about them for a bit.
Digging a lighter out of his pocket, Charlie lit the joint and brought it to his lips, inhaling the drug and leaning his head back once he exhaled. The sliding glass door opened up, making him flinch. He looked over and saw Adam, who sat down next to him. “You’re lucky Averman lives in the middle of nowhere,” was all the blonde said.
Charlie rolled his eyes and passed it to the boy next to him, knowing he’d deny it. “I don’t do that.” “You’re such a pussy, yes you do.” With that, Adam laughs and takes it out of Charlie’s hands, taking a hit of it. He coughs a bit when he releases the smoke, making the brunette laugh. Adam playfully bumped their shoulders together, laughing with him.
A silence falls between them as Adam gives the joint back, and Charlie struggles to find out what to say. “Why’d you come out here?” he decides to say, despite having an idea of the answer.
Adam shrugs, watching the boy next to him take another hit. He answers as he exhales. “I didn’t want you to be alone.” Charlie coughs a little, laughing loudly. “You are such a girl!” The blonde opens his mouth, looking quote-unquote “offended”. He takes the joint from Charlie’s hands and calls him a bitch, and they both laugh as they fall into another silence.
The captain starts smiling dumbfoundedly. He notices he can’t feel his legs and he’s starting to feel like he’s floating. He wonders if Adam feels the same way. His question is answered when Adam starts laughing uncontrollably next to him. Charlie looks at him, the dumb smile on his face growing even wider.
“Seriously though, this shit stinks! If a neighbor smelled it we’d be fucked!” Adam said between laughs, and the boy next to him joined his laughter. Averman really did live in the middle of nowhere. He didn’t have an incredibly nice house or anything, but it was spread out from everyone else around him and was surrounded by nature. The neighbors would believe it was a skunk if they smelled anything. “We do this all of the time and have yet to be caught, Banksy. Stop being a wuss.” Charlie bumped their shoulders together, a shock going through his body at the touch. Adam's eyes fluttered and nodded in agreement. He tried to say something, but his mouth stayed agape as if it just stopped working.
A familiar silence hit them, the only silence being their breaths and some crickets. Despite not really being able to feel his body, Charlie realized it was a bit chilly out for it being October. His mind begged him to let him think about how they’d all be graduating soon and how that’d be it for the Ducks, but he was too out of it to really care. Adam began to say something, taking his mind off of it, but what he said didn’t really help.
“So why’d you come out here? You usually like it when someone comes out here to smoke with you.” He wasn’t wrong about that. If he were by himself, he’d collapse into his thoughts and have a breakdown despite this being an outlet to get rid of his thoughts. Charlie just enjoyed talking to someone when he was out here. Not that he asked Adam to come outside with him tonight, but he didn’t always ask him. Sometimes it was Averman or Reed. Sometimes even Connie just for the company.
He struggled to find an answer for Adam. Not only because his mind was in the clouds, but also because he wasn’t sure if he felt like truly saying why he came out here. Adam knew him too well, so he couldn’t really lie. If he said he came out here to get away from the party, Adam would know that's a lie. Parties never got too much for Charlie. He wasn’t much for interacting, so he just observed. Even at big house parties; He loved those more so for the fact that he could watch everyone experience it, rather than experience it himself. People were funny. They were weird and stupid and Charlie wished so bad that he could fit in with them, but he couldn’t. Adam was the only person who understood him.
“Are you and Julie like… a thing now?” Charlie managed to get out a few seconds after the original question was asked. This earned a laugh from Adam, who then realized his best friend was serious. He looked over and couldn’t really depict the look on Charlie’s face. Jealousy? Hurt? Panic?
“You saw us kiss,” was all he got in response. Charlie wanted to scream for the lousy response, but he just let out a quiet “yeah” and hoped he didn’t show any emotion. There was a thick tension in the air and the two of them tried to figure out what it meant.
Adam sighed. “Look, I don’t have anything going on with Julie and I don’t want to fight over her so please be my guest if you want to go for her but-”
“What?” Charlie stopped him, shaking his head to make sure he heard his best friend correctly. Well, this was going a lot differently than he had anticipated.
“Julie. I can put in a good word for you, but I don’t really think-”
“God you’re an idiot.” Charlie thought, but he seemed to have said it out loud because Adam furrowed his eyebrows and was taken aback. A groan escaped the brunette’s lips as he dragged his hands down his face. “I don’t want her, Adam.” The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. How was he supposed to explain whatever the hell that meant? What did that even mean?
Another one of those silences fell between them, and Charlie wanted to kill himself right there. He thought of all the ways he could do it. He had a lighter in his pocket, but burning to death wasn’t ideal. Plus, that would be kind of embarrassing. That was really his only option and he didn’t exactly want to go through with it, but it sounded better than sitting here waiting for Adam to reply. The joint had left either of their hands by now, sitting on the patio somewhere. Charlie wasn’t sure when or how it had left his hands, but it was too awkward to pick it up right now. All he could do was look at Adam’s face and look for any sense of an emotion. Adam’s eyes looked back at him, hiding any thoughts he was having.
This. Was. Torture.
Adam let out a shaky breath, finally opening his mouth to say something. “Who do you want, Charlie?” It came out in a whisper as if anyone were to catch him saying it, he’d get in trouble.
Charlie’s eyelids grew heavy and his breath became slow. The world started to slow down like it did when he watched Adam and Julie kiss. It was different this time, though. He was panicking, unsure of what to say to Adam. He wanted to believe he didn’t know the answer, especially since he was high, but he knew the answer. He knew what he wanted to say to Adam. It wasn’t the drugs talking or the drugs taking his thoughts away. He had his answer. He just didn’t have the courage to get that answer out.
Somehow within those few seconds of panic, their faces had been pulled closer together like they were those oval magnets you played with as a kid. Their breaths were out of sync, yet both so heavy and jagged. They knew what was coming next, but they were both too scared to make the first move.
“Who do you-”
“For fucks sake, Adam, I want you.”
And Charlie kissed him.
Adam kissed back.
The kiss was needy, to say the least. Charlie kissed him like he would never get to kiss him again. He kissed through the thoughts of how wrong this was. How Adam was probably just high and not thinking right. How he was jealous of Julie and how she got to spend so much time with Adam. How they probably were a thing and Adam just wanted to make Charlie feel better. How Charlie was sick for thinking of Adam in that way. How the feelings he was trying to repress were coming too real.
He stopped kissing Adam. They stared at each other, out of breath. Charlie wasn’t really sure how long they had kissed or what they had done. Was there even tongue?
Adam had wide eyes, which quickly turned to concern as he noticed the pale look on Charlie’s. He looked up and blinked a few times, trying to keep his cool. He wasn’t going to cry over this. There was no reason to.
“Charlie-” Adam tried. Charlie shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed his face.
“It’s nothing. That wasn’t… I’m sorry.”
“Charlie, please.”
He didn’t give a response. He didn’t want to look at Adam, but with a pained look on his face, he turned to look at his best friend’s hurt one. The weed was supposed to help, not make things worse.
Adam sighed, softening his expression as he looked at Charlie. “You don’t realize how well I know you, Charlie. I’m not going to run off because you think I’m disgusted with you or something. I’m hurt, more so because you kissed me and stopped with no explanation. I don’t know what’s going on in that mess of a head you’ve got,” he debated running a hand through the brunette’s hair. “But I know you overthink things despite acting so calm and collected all of the time. I know something freaked you out, so I’m not going anywhere.”
Jesus Christ. He didn’t deserve Adam. If he had kissed any of the other Ducks, well, boy Ducks, and reacted the way he did with Adam, he’d never hear the end of it. Adam was different, though. Adam knew him better than anyone in the world. He even learned to know him better than Bombay knew him.
Charlie was in deep shit. He was so in love with Adam and he had been pushing that down for so long, and it was all coming out right at this moment.
“Screw you,” came out of his mouth instead. They were both surprised at the choice of words, so Charlie corrected himself quickly. His thoughts were coming back to him, but his mouth still worked faster than his mind. It always did. “I mean, fuck, Adam. Goddamnit. You really suck, you know that? This is not what I had in mind when I’d figure this all out. Scratch that, this isn’t even all figured out. Why’d you kiss me back?” What was he even saying?
Adam could barely make out what he was saying, but he replied with, “For the same reason you kissed me.”
Charlie groaned in frustration. “But what is that reason, Adam. I need you to say it. I need to know this isn’t because you’re high or feel pity towards me. I need to know that this wasn’t a horrible mistake and that these stupid fucking thoughts I’ve been having can be justified and I’m not going crazy like I sound right now and… God Adam you drive me insane!” He was sure the whole world could hear him at this point. At least Averman’s neighbor’s were far.
The two were looking at each other, Adam’s expression unreadable. Charlie just hoped he didn’t sound insane. He was past the point of caring about what he was saying. Holding this all in had gotten so tiring and, despite deep down knowing he’d feel stupid once his brain was functioning properly, he was relieved to have finally gotten it out.
“Are you saying-” Adam finally tried.
“Yes, I like you. Please, for the love of God, say it back.”
One of those silences that made Charlie want to kill himself hit again, but only for a few seconds. In those few seconds, Charlie thought lighting himself on fire didn’t sound too bad anymore.
Adam placed a hand on Charlie’s cheek, the contact heating up his skin. He brushed his thumb across his cheek, then dragged his palm down to his jaw so he could run his thumb along the brunette’s lips. He looked down at them, then back up at his eyes. Charlie’s eyes followed his every move.
“Charlie, I’ve been in love with you ever since you offered me your spot in the Goodwill Games. Maybe even before that.” Adam said softly, now letting his thumb run across his best friend’s cheek slowly. Charlie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“But you… Julie?” He couldn’t form coherent sentences with Adam’s hand on his face and his blue eyes staring into his brown ones.
Adam let out a quiet laugh. “I told you, it’s nothing. She knows I,” he stopped for a second, “well, I don’t exactly like girls. We kissed to be funny. Nothing’s there, I promise.”
Charlie was dumbfounded. Why didn’t Adam tell him he was gay? Why does Julie know and not him? He supposed he couldn’t really get upset because Charlie didn’t tell Adam about his sexuality crisis, but Adam was the only boy he had ever liked. This could be a conversation for another time.
“Ok. Ok.” He tried collecting his thoughts. “Wow, I just, I’m really in love with you, Adam.” He still couldn’t think straight with the way Adam was looking at him.
The blonde smiled at this. “How in love?”
With that, Charlie kissed him, knowing he would get to kiss him again.