Chapter Text
Renjun tapped his pen on the rings of his notebook as he waited for the professor to finish writing the equation on the blackboard. He was kind of nervous already, the lecture less than a few minutes from its ending, and Professor Choi was taking his sweet time writing the homework equation.
As if they weren't drowning in assignments already. Renjun reconsidered his Astronomy major various times a day. He really should've followed his mother's advice and gone to art school.
Alas, what was done was done, junior year was nearly reaching its half and Renjun wasn't a quitter, and he really enjoyed Astronomy. It was difficult, sure, but the courses were interesting enough to keep his mind busy and focused, not to mention the serotonin that came with learning about space.
And there was another thing... If Renjun had gone to art school he wouldn't've met Jeno. And Jeno was higher than his mental health in his priorities list. He should probably be concerned about the placements of said list but Jeno was worth overlooking his sanity.
He sighed wistfully as the professor finally let them copy the homework and pack.
He exited the lecture hall quickly getting swallowed by commuting students, flooding the halls in an attempt to gain some time. He looked at the clock on the big clocktower overlooking the courtyard. It read on its cursive pointers : 4:05. Jeno should be exiting his lecture in about half an hour, his anatomy lectures always ran late.
Renjun set path over to the hall where physical therapy students had most of their classes, hoping to buy a waffle from the vending machine before waiting for Jeno.
As soon as Renjun entered the hall he spotted the vending machine, he bought two chocolate waffles and sat by a big window, right next to the auditorium where Jeno was. He unlocked his phone while nibbling on the chocolate pastry. His android decided to surprise him with a notification, Google Photos was reminding him of last year's photos. He clicked on it, knowing what the photographs would show. Soon enough Jeno's ice-melting smile was looking back at him, the crescent eyes making Renjun's weak heart skip beats.
He felt himself smile back at the pictures. 3rd of December, he remembered. He and Jeno had gone to the mountain right next to their campus, it had been snowing. Renjun remembered he was under prepared so Jeno had lent him his sweater. He felt warmth flooding his belly. The sweet memories of the closest thing he had to a date with Jeno leaving him feeling something akin to toothache after too much candy. The sour taste of unfulfillment, of near-confessions that never saw light.
Renjun was brought back from his whirlwind of emotions by the distinct sound of students packing and leaving the auditorium. Soon enough, the door opened and the tired faces of overwork and anxiety entered the wide hallways. Amidst all of them Jeno's blonde hair stuck out like a flair.
He immediately spotted Renjun sitting by the windows. As soon as Renjun realized who was coming along with Jeno he felt a cold acid shower pour over him.
Jaemin was following Jeno coming towards where he was. Both of them sporting ear to ear smiles.
Jaemin looked ethereal, his black hair falling like silk threads across his forehead, his every step felt like a stab in Renjun's heart. His pearly smile and melodious laughter sounding like instruments being sawed. Renjun couldn't bear to look at him. Couldn't bear knowing that he was all Jeno ever thought.
When they reached Renjun's side, he forced a smile and handed Jeno his waffle.
“Sorry, Jaemin, I didn't know you'd be here,” he apologized, feigning remorse.
“Don't worry about it, ” Jaemin answered, bright eyes glinting in the cloudy light coming through the windows.
“Thanks, Junnie,” Jeno said, crescent eyes melting Renjun's unfriendly façade. “I'll share mine with you, Nana,” he added breaking the chocolate waffle in half and handing it to Jaemin, who accepted it, albeit reluctantly.
Renjun felt the molten animosity freeze up instantly.
They started walking side by side, Jeno talking about his day and all the jokes Jaemin had cracked, all the awesome things he'd done and how smart the other one was, that, even though he was a liberal arts major he'd picked up Jeno's anatomy class really quickly. Jaemin just talked all the compliments down politely, justifying them as coincidences or Jeno being too nice.
Renjun hated it, every second of it. In fact, everytime Jaemin was with both him and Jeno, it seemed as if he was the only thing the blonde could talk about.
“So, Jaemin,” Renjun started, at least Jaemin rarely talked about himself, “did you watch the show I told you about the other day?”
“Oh, yeah I did! I ended up binge-watching the first season. It's really good, you have really good taste!” Jaemin's tone was bright, his smile blinding, everything about him welcoming and warm.
In the back of his head, Renjun wished him dead.
+ + +
Renjun scrubbed his teeth with unnecessary force, causing his spit to come out pinkish. He looked in the mirror, although fresh out the shower, he looked tired, purple circles beneath his eyes, sunked cheeks making him look a little older. He sighed, why would Jeno ever wish to kiss him, he was ugly and dull. He wasn't bright like the blue skies, he wasn't an angel, he wasn't Jaemin.
His guts churned with heaviness and emptiness all jumbled up together like a fucking fake berry smoothie, the nausea-inducing ones. At least that's what Renjun was feeling. With another sigh he exited the bathroom, towel around his kidneys and another on his head.
Jeno is on his phone sitting on the couch.
He quickly made his way to his room, pulling out his neatly folded pajamas from his drawer. He changed silently, taking his time for his skincare routine and combing his humid hair. After he was done he made his way back into the living room, hopefully just to get his phone and then return to the safety of his bedroom. He walked as softly as possible. Hoping Jeno was too engrossed in his phone to notice Renjun.
“You've been very chummy with Jaemin lately,” Jeno casually shot into the silent air around them, a tinge of jealousy lacing his syllables. “Wanna enlighten me about it?”
Renjun let out a dry chuckle. So much for slipping under Jeno's radar.
“I simply have been trying to be more civil,” he answers nonchalantly.
“I know, that's why I am asking. You used to be so cold towards him, now you're talking about Netflix shows when I'm not around?”
“It's nothing, Jeno. I merely bumped into him the other day and, you know how Jaemin is, he started some small talk, so I just told him about the show, no big deal.”
“You know what? Jaemin has been talking an awful lot about you lately, when it's just the two of us.” The ugly monster rearing its head through Jeno's icy eyes, piercing through Renjun like daggers. It hurts even more that it's Jeno. /His/ Jeno, who is doing this. Being cold and mean towards his best friend all because of /him/.
“No, I didn't know that,” Renjun snaps, feeling the thread holding him back breaking. “As a matter of fact, I don't give a shit about it, Jeno. What you and Jaemin talk about in your free time is none of my fucking concern!” Renjun fully shouted the last sentences, as usual the intensity of the confrontation brought tears to his stinging eyes, painting them red. He quickly rubs at them forcefully, willing his demeanor to toughen up.
Jeno looks put off, the jealousy fading away giving way to shock and a slight glint of fear. Of what Renjun doesn't know.
“I'm– I–” Jeno starts, to no avail. Renjun storms out of their room and slams the door behind him.
Renjun starts sobbing as soon as the door closes. The feeling of vulnerability constricting his heart and lungs making it hard to breathe. He sits there for almost an hour, back against the door until a soft knock startles his now numbed brain into awareness. Jeno's soft voice comes from the other side of the door, asking permission to come in.
Renjun picks himself up, his thighs unhappy with the effort. He silently turns the knob allowing Jeno to come into view. He'd love to say no and mope for the rest of the day, unfortunately he can't say no to Jeno. Not when he sounds worried and remorseful.
Jeno looks distraught, hair messy as if he scrubbed it in frustration, his eyes are filled with apologetic disquietude. He reaches a hand out to the chinese boy, but quickly lets it fall before coming near Renjun.
“I'm sorry,” Jeno says sincerely
“It's okay, I shouldn't have snapped like that I was tired and-”
“No,” Jeno interrupts Renjun, palms turned to Renjun, asking the other to stop. “I'm the only one who needs to apologize, you were just defending yourself... Uh... Jaemin... He, you know how I get with him. He's just so precious to me..." Jeno keeps going, waxing poetry about the black haired boy.
Renjun tunes out, all the compassion he felt for Jeno vanishing with each verse the other spews. Bile rises again in Renjun's throat. He coughs dryly.
“I get it, maybe you should just tell him that, instead of telling me.” If Renjun's tone is a little sharp Jeno doesn't notice. A shy smile makes its way on the blonde's face.
“Easier said than done, ” Jeno says. “You really think I have a chance?” His expression is downright irritating. Jeno looks like a thirteen year old with a crush.
Renjun bitterly thinks that apologies should be about the person you are apologizing to, how the conversation turned from him to Jaemin is beyond him. He shrugs to avoid the bitterness he feels from spoiling their relationship further.
Jeno doesn't get the fucking memo. He keeps looking at Renjun expectantly, patiently waiting for some pep-talk the latter would never give him. He loves Jeno, but not to the point of helping him get together with Jaemin.
“You'll never know if you never try. Good night, Jeno.”
“Yeah,” Jeno says, rolling his eyes at the pre-made answer. “Goodnight, and again I'm sorry for being a dick earlier.”
“It's okay."
“It's really not. Sleep tight!” He shouts the last sentence from the hallway, already making his way towards his own bedroom.
Renjun closes the door, quickly dismissing the hapoy butterflies in his stomach yelling the Jeno cares about Renjun enough to apologize. Renjun thinks how sad it is that he dropped his standards for his best friend's care so low that Jeno apologizing for his own wrongdoings sounds like affection. Fucked up.
He texts Donghyuck ‘I hate Jeno’ before tossing his phone onto the beanbag next to his bed and gives in to the tiredness that his day brought.
+ + +
Renjun decides he no longer wants to stay in bed after having woken up for the fifth time during the night. This time his head is pounding in his ears. Anxiety attacks always provoke migraines a couple of hours after. He looks at his alarm clock. The dim red numbers write 5:26 am. Too early to get up but too late to wait for the medicine he's going to take to kick in and get more sleep. He curses his 8am lecture with every curseword in the book.
He sluggishly walks to the kitchen, eats some almost stale bread and downs a whole satchet of aspirine with two glasses of water. He didn't bother turning on the lights, the brightness would only fuel his headache and nausea. Back in his room Renjun sits on the bed and waits for the aspirine to do its job.
Jeno had been getting more aggressive about Jaemin lately, Renjun didn't understand why. Maybe it had to do with Jaemin's efforts to sympathize with him? Maybe that tickled Jeno's possessiveness the wrong way, even if there was no right way to be possessive. It had to be one of those. Renjun had barely changed his habits towards both of the other boys. He was still cold and mean towards his nemesis and as lovely as his depressed self could be towards his best friend. Renjun would've used the word soulmate to talk about Jeno a couple of months ago, recently, even best friend sounded wishful.
He focused on the darkness, willing his hurting mind to shut up about Jeno. Eventually he fell asleep again. Jeno's icy eyes in the back of his eyelids.
+ + +
“Good morning, Junnie!” Jeno greeted him enthusiastically. “I've made us breakfast, you know, like we used to do in freshman year! Thought we needed a little bonding after last night... ” he trailed the last part, the cheerful smile on his face morphing into a sort of grimace.
He gestured to the small table in front of the small balcony doors. It was set, with mugs filled with jasmine tea - Renjun's favorite, toasts slathered with warm butter and a peach jam pot, which seemed new. Renjun was speechless for a second. Staring at the heartfelt breakfast table for almost a minute.
“We're a bit on schedule, so maybe we can eat with our mouths and not just with our eyes,” Jeno broke the silence, his signature eye smile melting Renjun's heart and piercing it with daggers all at the same time.
How could Renjun not be in love with him. How could Jaemin not be in love with him, a dark part of his brain supplied. It didn't matter now, Jeno had felt bad about last night and worked hard to make it up to Renjun. Not Jaemin. Renjun.
“Thank you, it means a lot,” Renjun said, throat hurting from holding back a sob.
“Please, it's the least I could do!” Jeno said hurriedly, pulling a chair out for Renjun to sit on.
They both ate breakfast cheerfully, talked about the day's lectures and the workload they had been assigned these last few days. Albeit rushed, the breakfast went by warm as a hug.
They both exited together, Jeno insisting on walking Renjun to his lecture hall before leaving for his own class.
Renjun felt himself smile unconsciously for the first time that month.
+ + +
His hapiness didn't last long.
After his third class that day, as he left the hallway in direction to the courtyard, he bumped into someone, only to look up and see Jaemin, grinning from ear to ear. He must've found the whole ordeal pretty funny.
“Hi, Injun! I was hoping to find you here,” the brunet said, soft strands of ebony framing his angelic face.
“Hey, Jaemin, can I help you with anything?” Renjun's dry tone startled the other boy, causing his grin to falter.
“I just thought we could, maybe, walk to lunch together,” Jaemin added.
And to Renjun's utmost dread, the brunet blushed. Why would he blush? Was he flustered or shy? Around Renjun? It didn't make any sense, Renjun decided to file the info for later (never).
“I guess, but isn't Jeno waiting for you? ” Renjun quirked an inquisitive brow.
“Oh, I told him I'd catch you first and we'd meet at the cafeteria.”
Fuck. Why did Jaemin do that. Now yesterday night and today morning were all in vain. Jeno would think he was lying an—
“So, let's go?”
Renjun started following Jaemin out of automatic response. The noise of students, gathering for lunch in the various areas of campus, drowning his thoughts. Suddenly they caught up to him. The outrage screeching inside his brain. Renjun halted.
“How could you do that?” he blurted, startling Jaemin to a stop.
“What do you mea–”
“How could you fucking do that, are you that fucking dense!? Why would you come get me and now Jeno is–! Ugh! Fuck you!” Renjun felt hot tears spill from his eyes in tandem with his outburst.
“Renjun, calm down! What are you talking about?” Jaemin asked, sincere worry etched on his features.
“You ruined it!” he let out in a breath. He felt his friendship with Jeno crumble, all because of stupid fucking Jaemin and his obnoxious persona trying to be friends with everyone.
Jaemin took a step towards Renjun, open arms trying to soothe him and lure him into a calming hug.
Renjun was sick of it.
He pushed the other as hard as he could, relishing in the way Jaemin stumbled backwards. He surged forward again and pushed Jaemin a second time, more forceful. All his pent up sadness turning into rage.
Jaemin fell backwards but quickly lifted himself – curse his dance classes. He didn't look angry at the aggression but concerned and confused. He reached out again, this time more determined,and held Renjun's arm.
Renjun squirmed and slammed his fist against the other's chest trying to release his arm, but Jaemin's grip was solid.
“Renjun, please stop pushing me, what did I do wrong?”
“Fucking everything!” Renjun spat.
Fueled by the kindness in the other's eyes, he kicked Jaemin's shin as hard as he could, thanking himself for the boots he decided to wear that day. Jaemin let go of his arm, in favor of reaching for Renjun's shoulders. As soon as both of his hands gripped the smaller's shoulders he pulled him for a hug.
Renjun felt breathless, not expecting the action from Jaemin to punch the breath out his lungs. He noticed the crowd forming around them, some students with their phones out. Some of his classmates concerned glances. In the middle of it all he saw a blond head trying to get a better view, Jeno, he realized. He couldn't escape from him now. Jamein was whispering nothings in his ear, but his brain wasn't processing anything except panic. Panic that Jeno was going to see him in this state.
He hid his head in Jaemin's neck, feeling the tears on the hot neck of the other boy.
Not even thirty seconds later he felt a tug at his shoulder. He lifted his face from where he was hiding, Jaemin's body warm and sturdy still holding him.
Jeno's eyes swimming with confusion looked straight at his.
“Is everything okay, Renjun?” he whispered, his voice nearly drowning in the noise around them.
Most people having dispersed but still talking loudly about what happened.
Renjun could feel Jaemin's steady heartbeat in his palms, spread on the brunette's chest, ready to push him away if needed.
Jaemin's arms lost their strength bit by bit, allowing Renjun to escape the hug. And Renjun carefully, looking at Jeno the whole time, dislodged himself from the boy he hated the most.
“Renjun is feeling a little stressed, I think,” Jaemin provided.
For the first time, Renjun felt a little tiny bit thankful for the other. He really didn't feel like explaining himself. His heart felt like a poorly made dam, ready to burst with the brutal force of a river. Jeno was kicking at the rotten wood.
“I'm fine now.” Renjun managed to control the sigh left his mouth afterwards, that threatened to become a sob.
“People were saying you two were fighting... What's that about?” Jeno asked, suspicion clear on his face.
“Like I said, Renjun was stressed and sort of took it out on me, it's okay, though. I think I understand why.” Jaemin smiled softly at Renjun. “It's hard to balance so many things at once, and somehow temper is always the first thing that we lose control of,” he finished.
Jeno didn't look too convinced, but didn't look too keen on contradicting his sweetheart.
“You really are too kind, Jaemin,” Jeno unsurprisingly said.
Jaemin grimaced, which was uncharacteristic of him, and ignored the compliment completely. It irked Renjun, how could the other be so nonchalant about a compliment from Jeno. Renjun would kill to have Jeno say that to him, earnestly and full of love, just like he said it to Jaemin.
“You two can go to the cafeteria, I need to go to the bathroom real quick,” Renjun said, quickly turning on his feet to avoid any company offerings.
+ + +
As soon as he closed the stall door, he broke down again. More of the poorly captive water spilling over the dam. He cried, sitting in front of the toilet for about ten minutes, he couldn't be too sure. Silently sobbing as his brain processed all of the last hour. What hurt the most were Jeno's words. Complimenting Jaemin on his kindness instead of consoling Renjun.
Fuck Jaemin and his kindness.
Fuck Jeno and his fucking crush.
Fuck Jaemin for reaching out even though it was none of his fucking business.
Fuck Jeno for giving him hope with that fucking breakfast.
Fuck Jeno for being so easy to love.
Fuck Jaemin for being so easy to love.
He choked on a sob.
A few minutes later he grabbed a bunch of toilet paper, rubbing its rough texture on his eyes and nose, trying to get rid of evidence he had been crying. His tummy was rumbling, lunch felt like a priority. He mentally cursed his need for food, lest he could break down for the rest of the day.
He opened the stall door, exiting slowly, feet dragging against the cheap linoleum of the campus bathroom.
Jaemin was leaning against the sinks, right in front of him. Worry etched onto his ever-graceful face.
“Didn't you get enough of my break-downs for the day,” Renjun spat, venom on his tongue.
“No,” the other responded assertively, not missing a beat at Renjun's unfriendly tone. “I think we need to talk.” Jaemin's whole demeanor screamed empathy, as if he knew the cause of Renjun's suffering.
“I have nothing to say,” the smaller said.
“Doesn't mean you don't need to say it.”
“Where's Jeno?”
“He had a group project, I told him I would wait for you, I don't think he appreciated it, though,” Jaemin said through a grimace, his facial expression the same as it had been in the courtyard.
Renjun rolled his eyes, his headache making an undesired appearance. “Ungrateful,” he mumbled. The other eyed him strangely.
“I hate dingy campus bathrooms, let's go somewhere we can talk without someone interrupting us,” Jaemin said, scrunching his nose as he looked at a suspicious pile of wet toilet paper. He reached out for Renjun's hand, almost unconsciously it seemed. Renjun let himself be led, too out of it to remember he hated the other boy.
They walked hand in hand through the halls and while climbing the flights of stairs that led to the rooftop. When Jaemin pushes the door open they are surprised by a waft of wind, violently blowing through their blazers and ties.
Jaemin tugs Renjun onto the open rooftop, the cloudy sky providing a shelter from the sunrays.
As they reach the edge of the building, the tall grid fences rattling in the wind, Jaemin stops, he looks at Renjun smiling. He looks absolutely ethereal, beautiful even. His ebony hair dancing in the wind, Renjun has half-a-mind to hate him for the grace and effortless way he carries himself.
“This is much better,” Jaemin says, prompting Renjun to look around. It really is much pleasant. But Renjun relished in the pitiful scenario that is to have a breakdown in a shitty campus bathroom.
“Renjun,” the other boy started, his tone taking a careful tone. Hand still holding on to Renjun's. “You're in love with Jeno, aren't you?”
It felt like a rhetorical question, even so he answered, “Yes.”
Jaemin looked away for half a second. Drawing his lower lip in, biting for a sec. He took a deep breath.
“Is that why you hate me?” Jaemin asked, a sad smile on his lips.
“Mostly." Yes, he could've said but he didn't want to let out everything, although Renjun was very confused about Jaemin's reactions.
“Fuck,” Jaemin softly whispered. He dropped Renjun's hand and turned around taking a few steps and crouching, back towards Renjun, head towards the campus-view. “I- I can't say it's a surprise.” Jaemin's words weren't as audible as the rest, but the wind carried them directly to Renjun's ears, he'd never heard the brunette sound so broken. Renjun couldn't imagine why.
“Don't like competition?” he said, trying to spite the other. Jaemin laughed, no joy in the sound, just hollow chuckles. He leant forward, turning on his knees and sat facing Renjun once more. Renjun could see the reddened eyes and the tear streaks.
“In pursuing Jeno?” Jaemin asked, a misplaced look of disbelief on his eyes.
Renjun hummed in affirmation.
“Oh no, it's not Jeno,” Jaemin started. After a brief pause he continued, “I thought it wouldn't hurt, you know. You weren't particularly discreet with your dislike towards me, and adding it up with Jeno hitting on me was first grade maths. But hearing you say you hate me. Fuck. It stabs deep.” He finished with a mimic of a dagger stabbing his own heart. The sad smile back on his face.
“Never had anyone dislike you before? Can't handle not being everyone's favorite person for once?” Renjun laughed as he sat down, he found it pathetic, so much that it made it funny. Perfect little Jaemin never had anyone say a mean thing to his face. The tear streaks in the brunette's face resembled clown make-up in Renjun's eyes.
“You're not very bright, are you?” The sentence cut Renjun's laughter short.
“What?”
“You think I'm crying because I can't handle having someone dislike me? No, I've had a lot of people dislike me, and most of them were a lot more violent than you about it.” Jaemin wiped a tear from his cheek with the sleeve of his very wind-rumpled shirt. “It's not the hatred, Injunnie, it's you.”
Renjun was lost. He didn't know how they got there. It didn't make sense. Why in hell would he make a difference.
“Is it because I'm Jeno's best friend?” he tried.
“No–”
“Is it because I was the first conquest towards the perfect relationship with Jeno?”
“Renjun, stop–”
“Is it because you imagined me as the fucking best man in your perfect little marriage? A fucking passive bystander witnessing your happy ever after?!” His voice was slathered in thick rage. The air biting his throat as his voice came out raspier and louder. His heart pounding in his head, ears ringing. The images illustrating his words inside his mind making bile rise in his esophagus.
Jaemin rose to his feet. A determined air to his movements, but Renjun didn't notice, too engrossed in his nightmares.
“Did you want a fucking nanny for your kids?! Perhaps little old Renjun could petsit while you went on your fucking honeym–” His words were cut short when he fell on his back, his body making a thump as he softly hit the concrete.
Jaemin was on top of him, hand pressing his shoulders into the floor, knees on each side of Renjun's hips. For a wild moment Renjun thought the other was going to punch his face, beat him to the pulp he felt like.
But all he felt on his face were hot tears, spilling from Jaemin's indignant eyes. He felt the liquid run down on his cheeks, cooling on its way to the concrete.
“He's right, booksmart really doesn't mean heart smart,” Jaemin said from above him.
He let go of Renjun's shoulders, settling back on his ankles, seemingly straddling Renjun.
He smiled, that bright smile of his that reminded Jeno of a summers day, as the former once told Renjun and said,
“I'm in love with you, Renjun, that's why it hurts.”
+ + +