Actions

Work Header

Chaos in Teyvat

Summary:

In which Aether and Lumine pretend to mediate disputes, Tartaglia causes problems on purpose, and everyone inexplicably falls in love. Something here for everyone.

[[ eternal hiatus, so sorry for dropping it so soon :( ]]

Notes:

what’s that? you ordered a dumb chatfic? well lucky you, i have that right here!! writing chatfics is super fun, so i took time out of my “busy” schedule to cook up this one just for you! hopefully by just including xiao in it i’ll be able to pull him when his banner comes. anyways enjoy, and please don’t hesitate to yell at me if i mess up characterization or if there’s a grammatically/spelling error! but since this is a *chatfic* maybe we can let the latter slide. this is the first thing i’m posting here on this site, how exciting!

last thing, this is intended to run for a loooong time, like as long as they’re updating the main game’s content. will my motivation last that long? probably not! but i’ll still try to keep updating this. now without further ado, let’s get into it:

Chapter 1: Damn bro, you got the whole squad laughing

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

0 0 : 0 1

--Group chat: Adepti (and venti) Chat --

 

literally barbatos : another beautiful day in Mondstadt! good morning everyone!

Bourgeois Parasite : You are the only one in this chat who lives in Mondstadt.

literally barbatos : buuuut, it’s still a beautiful morning here!

xiao : It’s midnight.

literally barbatos : still morning!

xiao : The sun isn’t up yet.

xiao : What happened to your laziness?

literally barbatos : me?? lazy??? you liyueans just work too hard, that’s not my problem

Bourgeois Parasite : We work a normal amount, you just don’t work.

literally barbatos : what is this slander???? i work!! a lot!!!!!

Bourgeois Parasite : …

xiao : …

Cocogoat : About that….

literally barbatos : oh, Ganyu! hello!

Cocogoat : Hello! Good morning!

literally barbatos : (finally, an ally. pray, will you explain to your dear friends that morning starts at midnight?)

Cocogoat : Haha, I was just humoring you. Morning starts at sunrise.

literally barbatos : ehh??? no way. 12 am to 12 pm!

literally barbatos : at least, that’s what Diluc seems to think

Cocogoat : Who?

literally barbatos : a friend from Mondstadt! he runs the dawn winery and is always awake, no matter when i see him

Bourgeois Parasite : “Dawn” winery… As in sunrise? You say he is always awake, but his choice of name seems to share our sentiment.

literally barbatos : it’s all a front, i tell you! i have snuck into the tavern on many occasions, and he is always there! it seems he’s expecting me as well, which is quite embarrassing!

Bourgeois Parasite : How so?

literally barbatos : ah. well, you see. he doesn’t like it when i steal his dandelion wine, so he stays alert

xiao : Then maybe he does agree with us, you just don’t let him show it

xiao : Because you are a thief, like the Treasure Hunters we all know and hate

literally barbatos : now now, calm down, we all have our flaws~

xiao : Some are worse than others

literally barbatos : why are you so grumpy this morning? >:(

xiao : I am not grumpy, just tired of you and your… shenanigans

literally barbatos : shenanigans! not a word you hear xiao utter all too often!

Cocogoat : He must be really fed up if he has resorted to using such colorful vocabulary!

Bourgeois Parasite : No thanks to you, Barbatos. Please, take your wine-stealing anecdotes to others who share your twisted sense of time.

literally barbatos : Mondstadt needs more deities, you guys are no fun

literally barbatos : except Ganyu, you get a pass because you at least pretended to agree with me~

Cocogoat : Wow, what an honor.

xiao : Leave

literally barbatos : fine, i’ll go talk to people who actually appreciate me >.>

 

- literally barbatos has signed off

 

Bourgeois Parasite : What a lovely morning.

Bourgeois Parasite : I think I will get to work now.

xiao : I’ll be at Wangshu if you need to contact me

 

- xiao has signed off

 

Cocogoat : Venti needs better friends hahaha

 

- Cocogoat has signed off

- Bourgeois Parasite has signed off

 

--Group chat: Ordo Favonius --

 

literally barbatos : friends, i seek validation, you all appreciate me, right?

Jean Gunnhildr : Most of the time.

❄frostblade❄ : youre my favorite drinking buddy!

Chalk Prince : Why are you up at midnight?

literally barbatos : i could ask the same of you, my friend! and the rest of you as well!

Jean Gunnhildr : I need to be prepared in case of emergencies.

❄frostblade❄ : you answer first~

literally barbatos : no thanks~~

literally barbatos : on another note, have any of you seen Diluc?

❄frostblade❄ : i left Angel's Share with him, but we split paths a while ago.

❄frostblade❄ : why dont you text him yourself?

literally barbatos : after what happened yesterday? i’d rather not!

❄frostblade❄ : unless youre planning to steal more food you should be fine

literally barbatos : ah, see, that’s the thing

literally barbatos : i was planning to do exactly that!

❄frostblade❄ : well then.

Chalk Prince : Kaeya, we can continue our chat later.

❄frostblade❄ : of course. perhaps once the sun has actually risen

Chalk Prince : I look forward to it.

 

- Chalk Prince has signed off

 

❄frostblade❄ : or even over lunch, if you have the time

❄frostblade❄ : nvm hes gone

literally barbatos : oh???? secrets?????

Jean Gunnhildr : It has nothing to do with you, Venti.

literally barbatos : even so! now i’m very much intrigued!

❄frostblade❄ : as you should be, suffer

Jean Gunnhildr : Kaeya...

 

- ❄frostblade❄ has signed off

 

Jean Gunnhildr : I can’t settle every conflict. This one is in your hands.

literally barbatos : i take that as an invitation to wreck their shit?

Jean Gunnhildr : Absolutely not.

literally barbatos : but!!!

Jean Gunnhildr : I refuse to be a part of this.

Jean Gunnhildr : Do what you must, but don’t trace your actions back to me. Take responsibility, for once, please.

literally barbatos : but of course~ >:3c

Jean Gunnhildr : Alright then.

 

- Jean Gunnhildr has signed off

 

literally barbatos : kaeya and albedo!! know this: you cannot keep secrets from the god of your land.

literally barbatos : hear these words and tremble.

 

- literally barbatos has signed off

 

0 8 : 3 1

--Private chat: Chalk Prince →  ❄frostblade❄ --

 

Chalk Prince : Just saw your message. What’s this about lunch?

❄frostblade❄ : i feel it would be easier to discuss things in person

Chalk Prince : I agree, now that you mention it. I can make time today, where do you want to meet up?

❄frostblade❄ : its been a while since ive been to good hunter. either there or the cats tail works for me

Chalk Prince : Good Hunter has a more productive atmosphere.

❄frostblade❄ : works for me

Chalk Prince : One of us will have to take notes though, especially if we go into detail with our plans. I can do that, but you should too.

Chalk Prince : So that they aren’t one-sided.

❄frostblade❄ : sure, why not. though i will warn you, my handwriting leaves a lot to be desired. what time should we meet up?

Chalk Prince : Same goes for mine, we can just type them out later.

Chalk Prince : And Sucrose and I will be working together until 12 today, so I can meet you there at 12:30.

❄frostblade❄ : i can pick you up if youd like

Chalk Prince : No thanks, I’d prefer to walk. I appreciate it though.

❄frostblade❄ : right then. i will see you there, have fun with sucrose

Chalk Prince : And you have fun with… whatever you do all day.

❄frostblade❄ : important things, i assure you

Chalk Prince : I’d expect nothing less from our brave Cavalry Captain.

❄frostblade❄ : i feel like thats sarcasm but i dont have the energy to argue with you this early in the morning

Chalk Prince : Hehe

 

- Chalk Prince has signed off

 

❄frostblade❄ : your mature airs cant fool me

 

--Group chat: dumbass book club --

 

egglord : i’m baaaaaack!!

lupical? : Bennett! welcome

actual protagonist : any news?

the *cooler* protagonist : any treasure??

egglord : no news or treasure sadly, but idk what i expected really…

egglord : someone else should go next time! 

egglord : my luck is terrible, i never find anything!

guhua-galant : You didn’t break the camera this time, did you?

egglord : nope, it’s safe this time. i left it in Katheryne’s care, you can pick it up when you get here

light blue exorcist : bennett, you should rest.

egglord : i’m alright, not very tired

light blue exorcist : but we’re already on our way to mondstadt 

egglord : wait, really?? i can’t wait to finally meet up with you guys!

guhua-galant : I’m excited to see Mondstadt for the first time.

guhus-galant : Pray tell, is there a bookshop in the city?

the *cooler* protagonist : nothing like wanwen, but there is a huge library.

the *cooler* protagonist : it’s a nice space, but Lisa is a bit scary sometimes.

actual protagonist : “a bit” 

actual protagonist : she is dangerous

the *cooler* protagonist : ok true, but don’t tell her we said that.

lupical? : when will you be here?

lupical? : what time

guhua-galant : Around 12. We’re technically in Mondstadt already, but still a ways away from the city.

egglord : ok gonna sleep

lupical? : bye Bennett

 

- egglord has signed off

 

light blue exorcist : Xiangling and Xinyan are close behind us

guhua-galant : They missed the train we boarded, so they’ll be here a bit later.

actual protagonist : they aren’t on this chat, are they?

Wanmin’s Best : I am!!!

actual protagonist : oh! hey xiangling!

Wanmin’s Best : Hello Aether~!

Wanmin’s Best : Xinyan is the one who isn’t added, not me

actual protagonist : should we add her?

Wanmin’s Best : I’ll ask her :P

the *cooler* protagonist : she’s here to meet Barbara right? because they’re both musicians?

Wanmin’s Best : I believe so!

 

- Wanmin’s Best added FIERY DEATH FLAME to dumbass book club

 

Wanmin’s Best : Huh, I never noticed the chat name

Wanmin’s Best : I don’t think everyone in this group even can read

guhua-galant : Hence the ‘dumbass’ part.

lupical? : >:( i’m trying ok

guhua-galant : No, I mean Chongyun is the dumbass, you’re fine Razor.

light blue exorcist : but i can read??

light blue exorcist : i think you’re thinking of basic math, i can’t do that

actual protagonist : oh?? the plot thickens???

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Wow I have been missing out on a lot looks like!!

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Who is everyone?

lupical? : Razor, egglord is Bennett

actual protagonist : aether here!

the *cooler* protagonist : and i’m Lumine

the *cooler* protagonist : and Fischl, wherever she is, is Prinzessin der Verurteilung

FIERY DEATH FLAME : I recognize only like 2 of those names but cool!

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Nice to meet y’all!

lupical? : you too

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Is Barbara in this chat?

actual protagonist : she isn’t… i can add her if you want!

FIERY DEATH FLAME : No need, just curious

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Anyways I’d better go, gotta watch the map so we don’t miss our stop again!

guhua-galant : Again…?

FIERY DEATH FLAME : Wasn’t my fault, but I don’t want to be any more late than we already are!

guhua-galant : Okay, best of luck.

 

- FIERY DEATH FLAME has signed off

 

Wanmin’s Best : Hrm, I should go too. See you all soon! Can’t wait to try everything at Good Hunter :P

actual protagonist : hehe, it won’t disappoint

actual protagonist : hopefully.

the *cooler* protagonist : your palette might be too refined for Mondstadt’s food…

Wanmin’s Best : Won’t know until I try it!

the *cooler* protagonist : yeah, fair

 

- Wanmin’s Best has signed off

 

actual protagonist : they seem fun

guhua-galant : They are. When I’m not trying to read at least.

light blue exorcist : they’re both out to get me but they’re good people

light blue exorcist : wait, i mean xingqiu is tricking them into tormenting me

guhua-galant : What?????? I would never!!!!!!!

light blue exorcist : yeah i’m sure

light blue exorcist : everyone has questions about xinyan’s last concert and i can’t answer any of them

light blue exorcist : i’ve heard her music is nice, but… i can’t listen to it for too long

guhua-galant : Hey, come on, I was just getting you used to it! Like exposure therapy!

light blue exorcist : well, it didn’t work. this is something i have to overcome on my own anyway

guhua-galant : You don’t have to! You can get people to help you!

light blue exorcist : i’ve been trying to get your help but you aren’t very helpful

guhua-galant : Ok, that’s fair. You’re too easy to mess with.

light blue exorcist : this is not the place to be discussing this, what car are you in?

guhua-galant : ?

guhua-galant : oh, *train* car

guhua-galant : The one with the food. It’s not very good but I can bring you some.

light blue exorcist : don’t bother, i’m coming over

guhua-galant : Oh I see you

 

- light blue exorcist has signed off

- guhua-galant has signed off

 

actual protagonist : oh my

actual protagonist : alright, who’s still here

the *cooler* protagonist : hey

lupical? : i am

actual protagonist : we need to get fish in on this action

actual protagonist : where’s she at

lupical? : i saw her with the bird

lupical? : Oz**

lupical? : they were talking to Sucrose

lupical? : Sucrose looked scared and so did Oz

lupical? : because Sucrose wanted Oz’s bones for science and she was also scared of Fischl i think

actual protagonist : a shame, she’s missing out

the *cooler* protagonist : rest in peace Sucrose, can i get an f in the chat

actual protagonist : F

lupical? : F

lupical? : i’m hungry

actual protagonist : get some food then

actual protagonist : but stay here, lumine is boring

the *cooler* protagonist : that’s rich coming from you Aether

actual protagonist : huh?!

lupical? : i don’t think you’re boring Lumine

the *cooler* protagonist : awww, thanks! <33

actual protagonist : wait what about me?? and lumine what do you mean????

lupical? : you’re also not boring

the *cooler* protagonist : don’t play dumb

lupical? : only boring person i know is….

lupical? : dunno

lupical? : not many boring people

actual protagonist : razor you are too pure

actual protagonist : never change

lupical? : but? if i don’t change, won’t learn anything

lupical? : gotta learn to read better so Xingqiu doesn’t laugh at me

actual protagonist : if he laughs at you i’ll kill him, just take stuff at your own pace

lupical? : xingqiu is a friend!! don’t kill him

actual protagonist : hyperbole. i won’t actually kill him i’ll just give him a hard time.

the *cooler* protagonist : this is why you’re boring Aether, this type of vengeance is so overplayed

actual protagonist : what does that even mean

actual protagonist : i’m falling asleep trying to comprehend that

the *cooler* protagonist : sounds like something a boring person would say

actual protagonist : sounds like something *you* would say

actual protagonist : because *you’re* boring

the *cooler* protagonist : whatever you have to tell yourself

lupcal? : brain hurts trying to read this

lupical? : bye, gonna go eat

 

- lupical? has signed off

 

actual protagonist : RAZOR NOOOOOOO

actual protagonist : lumine, how could you?!

the *cooler* protagonist : you’re the one that used ‘hyperbole’ as an entire sentence

actual protagonist : shut up you used ‘vengeance’ and ‘overplayed’ probably incorrectly

the *cooler* protagonist : at least i sounded smarter

actual protagonist : maybe so, but you scared razor off!

the *cooler* protagonist : are you sure about that?

Prinzessin der Verurteilung : It appears I have missed a great deal of drama. How unfortunate, I would have loved to take part.

actual protagonist : fischl!! my savior!! tell lumine that she's boring and scared razor off!!

Prinzessin der Verurteilung : I do not intend to stay for your petty sibling rivalries, settle them on your own. I simply wish to know where Bennett has gone off to.

Prinzessin der Verurteilung : Is he here at the moment?

actual protagonist : he left a while ago so he could sleep

actual protagonist : we’ll see him in a bit though, once our friends from liyue get here

the *cooler* protagonist : hmm, we never decided on a place to meet!

actual protagonist : wow, you’re right

actual protagonist : look at us, amazing planners

Prinzessin der Verurteilung : We have been using Good Hunter as our base of operations for a while now, why not there?

actual protagonist : good point, let’s meet there

actual protagonist : HEY EVERYONE WHEN YOU GET TO MONDSTADT MEET US AT GOOD HUNTER WE CAN EAT THERE

actual protagonist : thanks for the suggestion fischl

Prinzessin der Verurteilung : Of course. Since Bennett has not graced us with his presence I shall take my leave.

 

- Prinzessin der Verurteilung has signed off

 

the *cooler* protagonist : farewell princess…

actual protagonist : everyone’s leaving!! smh

the *cooler* protagonist : because they actually have lives

actual protagonist : oh?? you’re still here too, you’re admitting you have nothing better to do?

 

- the *cooler* protagonist has signed off

 

actual protagonist : wow, fuck you too

actual protagonist : well at this point there’s no reason to stay here

actual protagonist : bye losers >:)

 

- actual protagonist has signed off

 

1 1 : 1 0

--Private chat: Chalk Prince ❄frostblade❄ --

 

Chalk Prince : Change of plans.

❄frostblade❄ : oh shoot??

Chalk Prince : Sucrose and I wrapped things up early, so I can meet you at 11:30

❄frostblade❄ : you?? ending work early?? i would have expected the opposite 

❄frostblade❄ : will sucrose be accompanying us?

Chalk Prince : In order to see results for Sucrose’s next experiment we have to wait about a day.

Chalk Prince : I asked if she wanted to come, actually, but she said she has other matters to attend to.

Chalk Prince : Likely more research, you know her.

❄frostblade❄ : shes a hard worker

Chalk Prince : She is. I’m very fortunate to have her as my assistant.

❄frostblade❄ : im already at good hunter (stopped by to annoy diluc) so ill see you when you get here

Chalk Prince : I’m not far away, just left the Favonius hq.

Chalk Prince : Give me seven minutes.

❄frostblade❄ : how? i dont own time, i cant give it as a gift

❄frostblade❄ : though if i could, the world would be in peril

Chalk Prince : You seem to be in a contemplative mood.

❄frostblade❄ : its actually a shitpost-y mood, but whos keeping track

Chalk Prince : A very fine line between the two. I still don’t understand it.

❄frostblade❄ : do you min-max your studies

Chalk Prince : What?

❄frostblade❄ : nevermind

 

1 1 : 2 7

❄frostblade❄ : i see you

Chalk Prince : I see you too

❄frostblade❄ : hurry over i need your help

Chalk Prince : Ok

 

1 1 : 5 5

--Group chat: dumbass book club --

 

guhua-galant : Chongyun and I have arrived.

light blue exorcist : i’m tired from all the traveling

light blue exorcist : hotel check in isn’t for a while though so we should meet up somewhere

actual protagonist : good hunter! it’s not too far from the station

guhua-galant : Oh, I see it on the map. We’ll be right over

actual protagonist : great!

the *cooler* protagonist : how far away are Xinyan and Xiangling?

guhua-galant : No idea

FIERY DEATH FLAME : About 45 minutes!

light blue exorcist : why did we get here so early… we have to wait so long for check in…

actual protagonist : dw if you’re really tired you could stay at the favonius hq! i can arrange something with grand master jean

the *cooler* protagonist : or even the adventurer’s guild? having spare rooms is kinda their thing

guhua-galant : Anywhere we can drop our stuff is fine, no need for anything fancy.

actual protagonist : you can put it in my room, i’ll lead you there once you get to good hunter

guhua-galant : You have my thanks.

guhua-galant : Though I should probably stop by the Guild as well, so I can pick up my camera.

actual protagonist : oh yeah true… that can wait though, it’s in safe hands

guhua-galant : I suppose so.

the *cooler* protagonist : haha you both just passed us

the *cooler* protagonist : go back to where you just were and make a left

light blue exorcist : !!!

guhua-galant : Finally!!

 

--Group chat: Adepti (and venti) Chat --

 

literally barbatos : you all are good at things right

Bourgeois Parasite : It depends on what you mean by “things”.

literally barbatos : getting people to spill their secrets

Bourgeois Parasite : Childe actually gave me a word of advice regarding that.

Bourgeois Parasite : He said to “fill them with alcohol,” though if all of Mondstadt is like you then that would be pointless.

literally barbatos : hmm… that quite possibly could work!

literally barbatos : i just need a solid plan…

literally barbatos : much thanks, morax~

Bourgeois Parasite : I do what I can.

 

- literally barbatos has signed off

 

Bourgeois Parasite : I should not have said that.

xiao : I agree

xiao : I fear for the safety of his target

Cocogoat : Well you know what they say! Wind gods will be wind gods.

xiao : Who’s saying this??

Cocogoat : Those who believe that wind gods will be wind gods

xiao : …

xiao : Ok

 

--Private chat: literally barbatos Chalk Prince --


literally barbatos : hey kreideprinz how much alcohol can you hold before you start revealing your deepest secrets

Notes:

drama! intrigue! mystery! stay tuned for more of... ok not that. stay tuned if you’ve been enjoying it so far. if there’s anything you want to happen, tell me and i’ll consider it! coming up with a bunch of ideas is pretty difficult, so i’m not too picky

(i tried to make it easy to decipher who is who, but if you need help with names i can make a list somewhere)