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Opening Gate
Kurt was almost shocked out of professionalism. Rachel Berry, to his knowledge, had never missed a cue in her life. Of course he’d heard that things often went a little...silly...on the last day of Faire, but Rachel did not consider unprofessionalism to be silly. Nor did she do anything--EVER--that took her out of the spotlight.
Yet here Kurt was, standing on the elevated stage above the gates to the New York Renaissance Faire where he was supposed to be performing the scene that established the plot for the whole day’s performances. The plot was supposed to be that he, as the Sheriff of Nottingham, was engaged to marry Maid Marian, but instead Marian runs off with Robin Hood, played by a compact dreamboat named Blaine Anderson who Kurt was lucky enough to call his boyfriend.
But now Kurt was Marian-less and he had to figure out what to do. He looked back at the queen, who was looking at him meaningfully, having just asked him “Where is this lady you mean to marry, Sheriff?”
And he looked back at the stairwell Rachel-as-Marian should have been coming out of, and she was not there. So he shook himself the tiniest bit, reminded himself it was the last day of Faire and the audience was expecting silliness, cocked out a hip in annoyance, turned to the audience, and replied, “Did anyone honestly come here today thinking I was going to marry a lady?”
And then he nearly fell over when Blaine-as-Robin appeared at the top of the big rock behind the crowd, dressed in Robin Hood’s trademark green, with that cocky little hat perched on top of his curls, and shouted, “I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute! Your lady has not come, please accept me in her stead!”
The audience was going nuts and parting to let Blaine-as-Robin through as he leapt off the rock dramatically, his Merry Band following behind him (though Finn was notably absent). Blaine-as-Robin ran through the crowd, then unbelievably climbed up the gate from the outside, with the help of Sam (as Alan-A-Dale) and Elliot (as one of the Sheriff’s Guard), who gave him a boost. Blaine-as-Robin flung himself over the top of the railing and came to light just next to Kurt-the-Sheriff as the audience erupted in cheers.
“My dearest Sheriff of Nottingham,” Blaine-as-Robin declared. “We have been at odds these many years, you exploiting the people to gain riches and those fine clothes that show off your--” Blaine-as-Robin broke off to stare obviously at Kurt-the-Sheriff’s backside, shown off at its very best by his tight black leather leggings--”assets, and me stealing the tax money to give back to the poor. But as we both know, there has been a certain tension growing between us these many months, and girls are icky. So cast off your evil ways and run off with me, and I promise we can fund your very necessary fashion habit while still ensuring that everyone in Nottinghamshire has food, shelter, and healthcare, which is as we all know a human right. Please, say you will?”
Kurt looked at Blaine batting his long eyelashes up at him, glanced back at the queen, who shrugged slightly, looked out at the audience, who were smiling and collectively holding their breath, and he knew what he had to do.
He took off his big, feathered hat, grabbed Blaine-as-Robin, and kissed him, long and dramatically, as the audience erupted in cheers and laughter once again. Just then, there was a shriek, long and loud and distinctly Berry in its tone and precision, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Rachel-as-Marian and Finn appeared from the direction of the parking lot, Rachel in her costume but obviously having been through some things, Finn chasing after her looking apologies at everyone he could see--Blaine, Kurt, the Merry Men, the Sheriff’s Men, the audience, AND Rachel. As Rachel fought her way through the crowd, Blaine-as-Robin looked at Kurt-the-Sheriff, turned to the audience, shouted, “I now declare this gate OPEN! God save the Queen!” and grabbed Kurt’s hand and started to run down the stairs and into the Faire as Sam and Elliott thankfully got the message and swung the gates open, effectively blocking Rachel’s path for a few minutes while the visitors pushed forward to gain entry.
Earlier that year, Kurt had heard that the man who had played the Sheriff of Nottingham at the New York Renaissance Faire was retiring. Christopher deTroy was legendary in the improvised entertainments industry, and had been playing the Sheriff of Nottingham for a couple of decades. He was also openly gay and had played the Sheriff with a bit of a swish and a wink that made Kurt think the creative staff at NYRF might be open to casting someone like himself. It wasn’t Broadway, but it was regular work every weekend for the whole summer, potentially for years, so Kurt rounded up his brother, his best friend, and a couple of the guys and went to the auditions, where he got the part (for once) and dove in with enthusiasm despite the heat, the sun, and the need to camp out two nights a week.
At the first rehearsal, he met the actor playing Robin Hood (a guy named Blaine Anderson) and their chemistry was immediate. After the first day they spent rolling around on the ground together during fight choreography, they were pretty much inseparable. At some point during the summer, the Faire regulars figured out that Kurt and Blaine were dating and started sending Blaine to fan fiction sites where there were the dirtiest stories about Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Kurt had also become friendly with one of the guys who played a henchman, whose name was Elliott Gilbert. Elliot was a performer in New York who did all kinds of things, but his favorite was working at the Haunted Mansion that was run by the same people who did the NYRF. Once he established himself as kind of a leader among the cast of the Haunted Mansion, the creative directors asked him if he wanted to work at the Renaissance Faire also, and he had become one of the writers and was working his way up the creative ladder at the Faire. Elliott and Kurt hit it off quickly, and it was great to know he always had Elliot and Puck to count on among the Sheriff’s Men, because anything could happen at the Faire, from accidents during melees to unruly fans getting handsy, to drunk hecklers. Puck was in charge of any drunk hecklers who bothered Kurt.
But in this moment, Elliott was more concerned about putting a ridiculous last-day-of-Faire plan into action. He took advantage of the confusion caused by the guests entering the gates and was able to grab Rachel’s hand and pull her into the stairwell, out of sight of the visitors. Finn and Sam quickly followed.
Everyone could see Rachel gearing up for an epic monologue, but as she inhaled, Elliott did that thing that he does that diffuses tense situations, and somehow was able to get everyone in the small space--even Rachel Berry--to focus on him in his calm stillness.
“You are going to be remembered in stories for generations, Rachel Berry,” he said.
“I--what?” Rachel stopped, confused. Rachel had already been through a bit of a morning, what with Finn practically kidnapping her and refusing to tell her what time it was, so that she was all the way across the parking lot near the stream when she heard the heralds sounding the Queen’s arrival and she knew she would miss her entrance. Then when she arrived at Opening Gate to see Kurt kissing Blaine during the moment that was supposed to establish her as the start of the show, she was ready to go to war with Kurt, but Elliott was saying something very different, and very appealing in its own way.
“We are going to pull the most epic Last Day of Faire in history, strike a blow against homophobia, and give your best friend the day of his life, and it all rests on your ability to step in and be the star at the last moment.”
Sam’s eyes widened in deep respect for Elliott’s brilliance. Finn almost fell over.
“Now,” Elliott continued, ”I’m sorry we had to send Finn to kidnap you, but not just any actress could get her head around these changes without any notice, or improvise at the level we will need you to do, but I believe in you, Rachel. You can do it. You--” he looked at her meaningfully “--are a star.”
Rachel gulped, but nodded seriously, and remained focused on Elliott as he outlined the plan and her part in it.
---
The Queen’s Landing
Blaine pulled Kurt to the Queen’s Landing and behind the big rock near the riverbank that served as “backstage” for this part of the show. They leaned against the rock, panting, Blaine wearing the biggest grin Kurt had ever seen.
“What the hell was that?” Kurt asked, finally. “What are we doing here?”
Blaine shrugged, “Last day of Faire.”
“Yes,” Kurt said, well aware of the tradition of going off script on the last day, “But what are we,” he pointed between the two of them, “doing here?” He gestured around at their hiding spot.
“Running off together,” Blaine shrugged, still smiling. “Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham are going to run away from the evil Maid Marian, live happily ever after, and make everyone’s fan fiction dreams come true!”
Kurt’s eyes went wide. “Rachel agreed to this?” He asked, disbelieving.
Blaine looked nervous for the first time that day. “Hopefully Elliott is taking care of that now.”
“You didn’t tell her?! You changed the script on Rachel and didn’t tell her? Oh, Blaine. I love you, but we’re going to die.”
Just then they heard the fanfare announcing the Queen’s arrival, followed by Rachel-as-Marian’s voice.
“Welcome, Your Highness,” Rachel-as-Marian said. “I’m most distressed that I was not here to meet you at the gate, along with my fiance the Sheriff. But as you know, the Sheriff has been captured by the foul criminal known as Robin Hood, and I ask your assistance in planning a rescue.”
“Our dear Marian,” The Queen replied. “We have a different opinion as to the reason for your Sheriff’s disappearance. We are not convinced he was taken against his will.”
“What ever can you mean?” Rachel-as-Marian asked, sweet as can be. “My beloved Sheriff would never leave me!”
Just then Blaine-as-Robin leaped onto the giant rock and looked down at Marian and the Queen. “Oh, he loves you, it’s true,” Blaine-as-Robin declared. “Marrying you would gain him a title and with that, money and power. But he doesn’t want to marry you. He’d have to see your girly bits.” Blaine made a face that showed his opinion of girly bits.
“My girly bits are lovely!” Rachel-as-Marian protested.
“I’m sure they are,” Blaine-as-Robin replied dismissively. “But I’m taking him off to my camp in the woods filled with men in tights doing manly things. Much more fun than girly bits.”
“It’s true,” Kurt-the-Sheriff said, entering the scene languidly. “I like boys.” And then, he looked cheekily up at Robin Hood and added, “And he’s pretty.”
Marian gathered her fierce determination and all of her frustration and stood as tall as her five foot three inch frame would allow. “Then you did right to run, and you had better stay away from me from here on out, or I shall make mincemeat of your boy bits!”
The Sheriff and Robin Hood looked at each other, joined hands, and ran off over the hill towards the woods.
“Darling girl, that was well-handled,” the Queen said, taking Marian’s hand. “Have you considered fierce virginity? It’s worked very well for us.” The Queen led Marian off, followed by her Herald, who announced, “These proceedings are ended. God save the Queen!”
The cast and the audience echoed, “God save the Queen!”
----
Robin Hood’s Bridge
The third scene of the day took place at Robin Hood’s Bridge. This was a short scene where Marian is wooed by Robin followed by a melee between Robin and The Sheriff with their respective bands. In order for the scene to take place, some of the actors had to make sure the bridge was clear of pedestrians and then make it known a scene was about to happen.
Sam and Elliott cleared the bridge together, then stood in the middle ready to start the scene. This would be the first melee with the changed storyline, but everyone was trained in both stage combat and improvisation, so they would make it work. Elliott winked at Sam, and they got started.
“So let me get this straight,” Sam (as Alan-A-Dale) began, projecting as loudly as he could so the guests gathered at either end of the bridge would be able to hear him. “Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham have run off together into the forest.”
“That’s right,” Elliott agreed, just as loudly. “And some of you Merry Band and some of us Sheriff’s Men are living out there with them.”
“So a whole bunch of us, very manly men, are living in a secret location in the forest, wearing our very tight pants?” Sam asked.
“Yup. What you might call a Manly Band.”
The audience laughed.
“Are there...shenanigans?” Sam asked with a wink.
“Shenanigans are optional, and only with the consent of all parties concerned,” Elliott explained. “But keep your hands off the Sheriff. Robin Hood doesn’t like to share.”
Sam nodded. “What about the rest of the two gangs?”
“Well,” Elliot said. “It seems some of the guys decided that Maid Marian is hot, and they’d rather stick with her.”
“She is pretty hot,” Sam said.
“I’m gay, not blind,” Elliott agreed.
“So Marian has got her own men,” Sam clarified.
“Marian and her men are trying to get the Sheriff back,” Elliott said.
“Why?”
“So Marian can marry him.”
“But they want to marry her?”
“Well, it seems Little John might want to marry her,” Elliott continued. “But she feels like the Sheriff owes her”
“Here comes the Sheriff now!” Sam said.
The crowd parted and Kurt-the-Sheriff and Blaine-as-Robin walked onto the bridge. Kurt was carrying a flower and they were whispering and giggling together.
“All well, Robin?” Sam (as Alan-A-Dale) called out.
Blaine-as-Robin looked up at Sam. “Better than well,” he said. Then he took Kurt-the-Sheriff’s hand and led him over to the railing.
“I love you, Sheriff of Nottingham! Your eyes, your skin, your very tight pants--they make me want to recite poetry!”
“Well, by all means, do!” Kurt-the-Sheriff replied, sniffing his flower.
“I will recite a favorite love poem from long, long ago!” Blaine-as-Robin announced, and then recited dramatically:
You think I'm pretty, without any make-up on
You think I'm funny, when I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me, so I let my walls come down
Down
Before you met me, I was alright
But things were kind of heavy, you brought me to life
Now every February, you'll be my Valentine
Valentine
Let's go all
The way tonight
No regrets
Just love
We can dance
Until we die
You and I
Will be young forever
You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby, I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
When he finished, Kurt-the-Sheriff pretended to be overcome by the romance and grabbed Blaine-as-Robin and kissed him. They began making out against the railing, while Sam, Elliott, and a few other members of the Manly Band stood around awkwardly.
“There you are!” Rachel-as-Marian shouted as she approached the bridge with Finn, Puck and the rest of Marian’s Men.
Kurt-the-Sheriff and Blaine-as-Robin sprung apart, then stood to face Rachel-as-Marian. The Manly Band arranged themselves around the bridge in a defensive posture, trying to stand near the guys they usually fought during this melee so they could keep to their practiced fight choreography as much as possible.
“Sheriff, you gave your word that you would marry me!” Rachel-as-Marian said.
Kurt-the-Sheriff looked at her flatly. “I mean, did I really?”
“You...what?!”
“Did I actually get down on one knee and ask you to marry me? You just kind of assumed. And I mean, I was into the whole power thing, but it was mostly because I thought Robin Hood wanted you and frankly, I was jealous.”
“Oh, you were?” Blaine-as-Robin said. “That’s so sweet!”
Kurt-the-Sheriff turned back to Blaine-as-Robin then. “Well, everyone said you wanted her, and it made sense. She is hot.”
Blaine-as-Robin pointed to himself. “Gay, not blind.”
“Right?” Kurt-the-Sheriff agreed. “But, you know, lady parts.”
“Icky,” Blaine-as-Robin agreed.
“I’m RIGHT HERE!” Rachel-as-Marian interrupted. “And I don’t like the way you’re talking about me. Men--attack!”
And that’s how they got to the melee.
Eventually, they fought to a draw and Marian’s Men challenged the Manly Men to a chess match, so that set up the next scene, and everyone ran off again, leaving the bridge free for foot traffic and the audience buzzing with delight.
---
Queen’s Chess Match
The Living Chess Match is the highlight of the day for those who come for stage combat. This year, it was scripted as a match between The Sheriff and Robin Hood to determine who will be allowed to marry Marian. The teams line up on either side of a chess board painted on the ground and act out a chess match, and when a piece is to be captured, the two players fight to determine who wins the square. However, as substitutions are allowed and tempers run high within the plot, it always quickly devolves to a series of well-choreographed fights. And because it’s basically a fight choreographer’s dream: well-trained actors, fighting on level ground with grass cover and pretty much any weapon you can think of available to use, it ends up highly entertaining.
But by this point the written story had devolved to the point that the actors were scrambling to come up with anything that made sense.
The Queen got up to the small podium to introduce her chess match. “We are here today to determine whether the Sheriff of Nottingham must honor his commitment to the Lady Marian Fitzwalter, or whether he is free instead to marry the Outlaw Robin Hood, formerly Robin of Locksley. And while we generally support the idea that if she liked it, she shoulda put a ring on it, we hope that this will be a clean chess match with absolutely no cheating.
Therefore, in white, to represent the purity of their love, we have Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham, supported by the very Manly Men of the Forest!
In black, representing---um, her own raven locks, we have the Lady Marian Fitzwalter, supported by, I guess a bunch of Lady Boys! What’s that? We are told they prefer to be called Marian’s Men!”
The living chess match began, and this time the planned choreography nearly ruined everything. Rachel-as-Marian was forced several times to pit her own team members against one another, while the Manly Men watched on, amused. The whole scene as originally written hinged on an elaborate and dramatic fight between Kurt-the-Sheriff and Blaine-as-Robin, but they kept kissing each other whenever they were close enough to do so, much to the delight of the audience, who cheered them on whenever they did. Finally, amid much laughter, Rachel-as-Marian declared the whole fight null and void on the grounds that it was completely unfair, and she decided the only way to settle this would be with a joust, of course, to be held at six o’ the clock on the Roselawn Tournament Field.
She also declared that Alan-A-Dale was now on her team, to which Sam shrugged and walked over to stand next to Finn. It didn’t matter at this point. They just needed to wrap this story up somehow with a happy ending.
---
Roselawn Tournament Field
Just as the cast was making their way over to the Tournament Field, the heavens opened and rain began to pour down. It was a warm rain, but far too steady to take a chance with the horses. People could get hurt easily if a horse slipped, and these horses were highly trained and worth thousands of dollars. There was a protocol for this, so they waited a bit, but it quickly became clear that even if the rain stopped, it would be far too muddy for jousting to be safe.
Still, the regulars were out front, drunk and partying in the rain and waiting for a resolution to the story, so there was only one thing left to do.
Peasant jousting.
Blaine-as-Robin and Sam-as-Alan each got on the shoulders of a peasant and they began to play chicken in the middle of the jousting ground as the rain lightened enough for the audience to be able to see. Meanwhile, a full melee ensued around them and eventually Rachel-as-Marian was able to pin Kurt-the-Sheriff against the grandstand in front of the Queen, who declared Rachel-as-Marian’s victory and asked her what reward she wanted.
“I want the Sheriff to pay with his life!” Rachel-as-Marian declared.
“Very well,” the Queen said. “In that case, we declare this man should be--”
“Wait!” Finn interrupted, as Little John. “I cannot allow you to execute my brother!”
“Brother?!” The company gasped.
“Yes!” Finn-as-John exclaimed. “My mother has married the Sheriff’s father, making me--um--Little John of Nottingham, I guess? And I must protect my new brother, even if it means my life for his!”
“Therefore,” he turned to Rachel-as-Marian. “Will you marry me in his stead, Maid Marian?”
“You compare marriage to a death sentence in your proposal?” Rachel-as-Marian asked.
“Um…” Finn replied. “So will you?”
“Of course I will, you giant idiot!” She exclaimed.
“Then we shall have a double wedding, today, on these very muddy jousting grounds!” The Queen declared.
And that is how The Sheriff of Nottingham married Robin Hood, and Maid Marian married Little John of Nottingham.
And they all lived happily ever after.
I now declare these proceedings ended until next summer.
God save the Queen!