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I'm the devil's son, straight out of hell
And you're an angel with a haunted heart
If you're smart you'd run and protect yourself
From the demon living in the dark
There's nothing to be gained, 'cause I can never change
And you can never understand my sickness
I'll never understand my sickness
It’s a fairly quiet night out on the rooftops, even for Paris. Blue astermite lights up the alleyways, the steam leaving all the hotels, shops, and flats in the arrondissements. At times, there are drunkards walking by and Vanitas can’t stop thinking about how annoying they are. Sadly enough, they’re not the only annoying thing about this night.
No, the most irritating person in the world is right there, below, on another roof that’s made of glass and black beams. His nearly white hair is shining, even during the night. Fine, Vanitas will admit that tons of stars are shining above them, so it’s not nearly as dark as he’d like it to be.
Noé’s eyes, too, are gleaming from where he’s cowering on the roof, knees pulled close to his chest, looking up at him. The most innocent gaze possible is in his eyes. Questioning, purple shimmering with just as many stars in it as there are in the sky, if not even more.
Vanitas frowns, redirecting his gaze at the city. He can’t stand Noé for several reasons, especially right now.
First of all, the guy is completely nuts. He’s annoying, is fascinated by stairs, leaves his stuff all over their room, works just to buy the weirdest kinds of souvenirs Vanitas has ever seen. What even is the value in them? If only they’d be nice to look at, but they’re straight-up ugly. So, Noé has weird habits. But that’s not the worst thing about him at all.
Vanitas has no idea why, but he feels like Noé likes him. It’s not like people liking him is something new for Vanitas. No matter how awful he is, no matter how terrible of a person he is, someone will always end up liking him at one point. Usually it’s people that he doesn’t care about a single bit – Moureau, Roland, probably Dante, too. It does bother him when they do, makes him think about what there is to like about him. There’s always the same answer that he ends up with; nothing.
Vanitas is a horrible person and he’s well aware of that, wouldn’t deny it, and also wants people to think about him that way.
Up until now, he had believed Noé in terms of him not liking Vanitas. Or wanted to believe him, at least. Well, Noé had repeated it often enough, told him that he’s only interested in him as a person, but doesn’t like him in any other way. However, Noé has completely thrown all of that over a cliff now. Dropped it like a piece of wood into fire and burned it away.
There was a clear difference in how he has pronounced it those two times.
The first time he’s told him that he dislikes him was with a frown on his face, in a prison, wildly gesturing with his hands. Vanitas had been extremely convinced that exactly that is the case.
The second time, he had stood with him on a belltower, holding his wrist in one hand, to keep the dagger from his throat. He’d told him that he doesn’t like him with a smile on his face; Vanitas hadn’t been able to tell whether it was genuine or put-on. Considering Noé must be a bad liar, it was probably honest. His eyes had been glinting in the sun, as they do now, facing the stars above Paris.
But this time had been different. Noé hadn’t looked at him; his eyes had been closed, eyebrows furrowed, wind ruffling those strands of his.
He hadn’t been able to look him in the eye and tell him that he hates him. That was a lie. Noé isn’t good at lying at all.
An honest person, a bright person, a good person. If Noé is an angel, then he’s a demon. He lies to him all the time, and when he doesn’t, he acts as if his past doesn’t concern him at all. Even when it’s what every night is made of, dreams haunting him to the point of being scared to go to sleep in first place. Pictures of blood and more blood and a little boy crying, telling him to bring father back.
He’s so unfair on him.
Noé liking him is bad enough, but the true tragedy is that Vanitas likes him, too. Not in the same way he likes Jeanne (even admitting this makes him feel so sick he nearly gags), but still…
Noé is kind to him. He is harsh at times, trying to get him going, but he’s considerate and never pressures him more than need be.
Which leads him to the worst thing about Noé.
His need to save everyone. Including Vanitas.
It’s not like Vanitas is a very observant person, not when it comes to feelings, at least. He’s seen that with Jeanne. And himself. Fuck, he really hadn’t planned on falling in love with Jeanne (he gags, but it’s so short Noé probably doesn’t notice). If he can, however, see something, then it’s that Noé has a goddamn saviour complex that he doesn’t seem to be getting rid of any time soon.
Vanitas had been so close to giving up on that boy inside of Prédateur. He’d remembered Misha screaming at him again, how he isn’t able to save people despite trying so goddamn hard. Not that saving people per sé is his main goal, but what else is he supposed to do, now that his life is in shambles? No matter how much he had wanted to stay on the floor, die, die, just wanted to die already, Noé had pulled him back up.
Told him that it wasn’t over yet.
Vanitas doesn’t mind him doing that; what he does mind is Noé trying to save him. Vanitas doesn’t know the meaning of the word salvation and he never will. Actually, he’s pretty convinced that he will give up sooner or later. Give in to his darkest of thoughts and leave, just like that, no matter how much he has or hasn’t achieved.
No, there’s no way anyone would be able to save him. All he ever does is drag people down with him into the dark. Which is precisely why people hate him. Every time someone is involved with him, they die. Wither away right in front of him.
He doesn’t want to see this happening to Noé, because he knows that this is what would end up happening. Noé seems like the perfect person to sacrifice himself for someone else. Maybe even for Vanitas. Especially with the way he’s looking up at him now, smile still stuck to his lips.
“Vanitas?”, he calls from down below, “what are we having for breakfast tomorrow? Have you asked Amelia already? I’d love to have croissants.”
Despite all of those stupidly complicated feelings inside of him, all the hurt and pain and sorrow, Vanitas can’t stop himself from grinning.
He doesn’t want Noé to save him of all people. If anything, Noé should be saving Jeanne, Domi, but most importantly, himself. There must be a reason for him to be like this, right? Vanitas hasn’t ever really thought about whom else Noé might have lost apart from his grandparents. And that, only Dominique had told him. Now that he thinks about it… Noé barely ever talks about himself.
How much pain and sorrow is there inside of him?
“I don’t particularly care”, he sighs, pulling the blanket closer t him. Wrapping it around his shoulder to savour its warmth. Yes, Noé now knows about him being bad with cold, huh?
In his eyes, there’s a thousand emotions. All of which Vanitas can’t place because he’s never learnt to deal with emotions.
But there’s one he can decipher all too clear.
The will to save him, no matter what.
Vanitas grunts at that thought. Yes, Noé truly can’t save him. He won’t be able to. He won’t let himself be saved. He won’t let Noé crumble to pieces because of such an unimportant person like himself.
“Maybe it will be croissants”, he says, after all. Because he does still have a stupid soft spot for Noé.
The same soft spot that’s hoping for Noé to save himself from Vanitas.
Save yourself
From a life full of lies
And a heart full of pain and sorrow
Save yourself
From the choices I make
'Cause nothing but failure follows me
Save yourself
Save yourself
*
You're the perfect drug, when it hurts like hell
I've never needed anyone so much
There's no one else I love and I curse myself
'Cause the right thing is to give you up
I'm overcome by shame, 'cause I can never change
And you can never understand my sickness
I'll never understand my sickness
“To be honest, both croissants and pain au chocolat would be ok”, Noé adds, cocking his head, looking at Vanitas more intently. The grin is back on his face, just like the bit of colour that’s showing on his cheeks. He’s been so terribly pale for days now, ever since they returned from Gévaudan.
In the beginning, Noé had just been confused, but ever since he listened in on the conversation Vanitas had had with Roland and his friend, it was all obvious. He knows Vanitas hates himself. It’s more than clear, always has been, at least to him. Maybe he seems arrogant to others, just like he had seemed to Noé himself in the beginning. But no, Vanitas is desperately broken. He’s searching for people to hold onto without admitting it. He says getting attached to people does no one any good (Noé hates how he finds himself agreeing just a bit). He says that he can’t save anyone anyways (Noé hates how he knows what that feels like). He says that he doesn’t know how anyone cold ever love someone like him.
Despite knowing how much Vanitas hates himself, when he said that, something became clear to Noé. All of his actions started making sense to him, finally. Vanitas doesn’t care about himself, because he thinks that no one will be sad if he were to leave. Still, it’s some kind of mechanism to protect himself.
Noé knows change hurts. Cuts deep into your skin and flesh and bones and leaves scars that will possibly never heal, scars that you will carry around forever. But if he’s starting to understand anything, it’s that it’s necessary. That you have to challenge yourself, live through difficult things in order to grow.
Maybe Vanitas can’t do that yet, so Noé will leave him in the belief that he dislikes him. Vanitas has already been broken by the mere possibility that Jeanne might like him back. And honestly, so has Noé.
He doesn’t quite know where to place that feeling; or well, he does know, but it’s not like he’d admit it to himself.
Sooner or later, he will be bound to accept it.
“Anything sweet is fine for you”, Vanitas complains, “Amelia could hand you a tin of sugar and you’d down it like it was nothing.”
Noé finds himself laughing that weird bubbly laugh, almost as if he’s trying to convince Vanitas to like him. Which he never will.
Not in the way Noé’s stupid little heart wants him to, anyways.
He needs Vanitas’ attention, his hands and stupid blue eyes. Blue eyes that shine in the dark, even from the roof he’s sitting on, wrapped up in the blanket Noé has brought him. Vanitas is beautiful. Noé really shouldn’t be thinking this way about someone he claims to hate, should he? It’s true either way. Vanitas’s eyes reflect the moon and the stars in them, completing the night sky, making a picture that Noé couldn’t ever forget.
He does wonder why the night is so quiet, for a city like Paris, at least. Maybe it’s just for the two of them. So that Noé can get lost in his spiraling thoughts of Vanitas’ beauty and everything that entails.
Namely, letting go of-
No, there’s no way he’s even letting himself think that. He cannot possibly let go of him, his pitch-black hair, yellow, piercing eyes. So much more beautiful than Vanitas’, right? No, no, Noé can’t say that either. He feels bad for comparing him to Louis in first place. Louis was something else, meant so damned much to him that it leaves him awake even in the middle of the night. Sometimes, he has dreams of Louis being alive that feel like nightmares. Because in reality, he isn’t there.
Gone. He’s died right in front of him.
Noé knows that holding on to Vanitas would eventually end in the same way. He’s predestined to lose the people he loved in the worst way possible. And to be at fault for it. He’s lost Louis. How long is Domi going to be around? He loves her way too much for her to stay alive, doesn’t he? Something is bound to happen to her-
Hasn’t something already happened to her a long time ago? Didn’t she also lose part of herself when she cut off all her hair, to look just like him, only to make Noé feel better?
(It made him feel so much worse.)
“That might be true. I’ve always enjoyed disgustingly sweet food”, he brings himself to say, in the hope that he can get the conversation going. Even if it’s just with the goal of hearing Vanitas’ voice.
He’s such a very hopeless case.
He knows exactly that he will destroy Vanitas, has the feeling in his bones that something bad is absolutely bound to happen, yet he keeps clinging to him. Is it to make up for Louis? Is it because Noé needs someone in his life that he can hold on to, someone he can wreck until death?
God, it’s not often that he loses to those thoughts. Usually, he manages to get himself out of it, to go on with his life as if nothing ever happened. It’s not like Noé doesn’t want to live his life. It’s just that sometimes, it scares him. It scares him that he’s still alive in first place when everyone else in his life died (Louis, Grandma, Grandpa, Louis, probably his actual parents, Louis, Louis, Louis, Louis -).
Tears are stinging in his eyes and he’s trying so damned hard not to cry. He doesn’t want Vanitas to see him this way.
It’s embarrassing how he can never change and he’s nearly ashamed of himself. There’s always someone he ends up loving way too much, someone he’ll drag down to hell with him. He’d rather Vanitas saved himself instead of sticking around. Because technically, Noé is aware that he’s the one who should let go of Vanitas, so that nothing happens to him.
If only he had the strength to actually leave his life just like he’s entered it, making it seem like a total coincidence. He can’t bring himself to. He’s so hopeless, so hopeless that, despite hearing Vanitas is in love with Jeanne, still hoping he might-
No. He’s not going to allow himself to think that.
“Pfft. I know.”
Yeah, Vanitas’ voice is soft, Noé relishes in it, turns his head a little to hear him better. It’s everything he truly needs.
He feels as if he’s using Vanitas, but then again… he wants to save him. Because that’s what Vanitas needs after all, isn’t it? He needs someone to tell him that he’s amazing, that he’s strong, that Noé is glad he’s gotten to know him. Well, that, he’s already told him. Maybe one day Noé can tell him that he likes him, too.
Without losing him that way.
No. Saving Vanitas would include leaving him. If only Vanitas did it himself. If only Vanitas truly had the guts to leave his life like he had wanted to before Gévaudan.
If only Vanitas saved himself from Noé.
Save yourself
From a life full of lies
And a heart full of pain and sorrow
Save yourself
From the choices I make
'Cause nothing but failure follows me