Chapter Text
I walk down the familiar path to Lake Emma, not really sure of why I'm out there, what I'm trying to do. I look up at the sky, so brightly filled with stars and the beautiful Milky Way; maybe the only thing beautiful about this place.
I finally stop once I feel sand beneath my feet, and I look down to see I'm only in my underwear. Despite this, I don't feel cold at all. I look around slowly, scanning the beach around the lake...and then I see a figure in the distance, facing away from me, just staring at the surface of the water.
I don't know why, but I walk towards them, even as every logical part of my mind tells me that in this town, nobody outside this late is likely to be a safe person to approach. But I keep going.
My heart begins to pound, and I stop walking about ten feet behind the (now distinctly male) figure. I don't say anything, but he slowly turns around to face me.
He's got a smug smile on his face that I immediately dislike, but that does nothing to lessen my fear as he stares at me. He's an otter, a little taller than me, and much larger, his black shirt pulled tight against his muscular body...although needle marks that litter his arms make it a mystery how he isn't wasting away like all of the other meth-heads around here.
"Like what you see?" He sneers, clearly noticing my observing of him. "Always suspected you'd turn out to be a fag. Leo, too." I don't know who this guy is, but even so, his words piss me off.
"And who the Hell are you to judge me?" I ask, my fists clenched...though it’s an empty gesture. Even if he wasn’t so huge, I’ve never been good in a fight.
"Don't remember me, huh?" His smirk quickly vanishes, and he slowly removes his sunglasses...revealing bright blue eyes. "You will soon enough, Chase." Then he coughs, and as his mouth opens, something large and covered in bristly hair begins to crawl out of his mouth.
A fucking tarantula.
I can't help it. I scream and jump backwards, landing on my ass in the sand as the otter laughs, his voice slowly becoming distorted until it no longer sounds human, more and more tarantulas crawling out of his mouth, a whole swarm of them, their beady, glimmering eyes focused on me as they skitter across the sand.
I can't move.
I'm frozen in place as they crawl all over me, feeling their needlelike fangs stabbing into my skin as they bite me all over.
As I scream, one of them begins to crawl into my mouth.
I sit up in bed, screaming, tears matting down the fur on my cheeks. I instinctively swipe at my body with my paws, still able to feel hundreds of legs crawling all over me, and it isn't until I'm absolutely sure that there's nothing on me that I manage to relax, every other breath coming out as a choked sob...and then I look over at Leo, the large red wolf lying on his side, facing away from me. He usually wakes up immediately when I have nightmares like this...but he's still sound asleep. I sniffle a bit and wipe my eyes, reaching out to rest my paw on his arm...when I see something wiggle under his shirt. I freeze, my heart pounding once again, but I don't see the wiggling again, and I let out a shaky sigh of relief as I pull at Leo's arm, rolling him onto his back.
His eyes are missing.
As I yelp and leap off of the bed, tripping back and hitting my head against his desk, black tarantulas crawl out of the sockets.
This time when I wake up, I don't bother to scream. I bolt out of the bed and make a mad dash to the bathroom, vaguely acknowledging the sounds of Leo groaning as he wakes up.
I collapse to my knees and put my face over the toilet just in time as I puke into it with a loud sob that shakes my whole body, and as I look down, I recognize the mush of the shitty TV dinner we'd eaten when we got home from work, and with another wet-sounding heave from my stomach, I puke again.
I barely register the baritone of Leo swearing in Spanish, and then his heavy, but surprisingly quick footsteps as he charges into the bathroom.
He's only in the doorway for a moment before he's kneeling down beside me, his large paw gently rubbing my back, and because he's tired it takes him a moment to start telling me "it's okay" over and over again in English rather than in his first language. For some reason, all I can think of at the moment is that I feel bad I’ve never shown much of an interest in learning the language.
Now sure that I'm finished losing my dinner, I blindly reach for the lever and flush the toilet, sobbing again as I lean over against Leo, pressing my face into his broad chest. His arms wrap around me, far more loosely than he usually does, and he stops speaking, waiting for me to decide whether or not I want to talk about it.
“I can’t remember…” I finally whisper. Leo nods silently and continues to rub my back, nuzzling my headfur gently.
“I love you, chula… ” He whispers, his voice tired and husky, but comforting as always.
“I love you too…”
I must have fallen asleep eventually, because I wake up to the sound of Leo in the kitchen, cooking something. He usually makes something with peppers in it, and the thought alone makes my stomach clench as if to throw up what little of dinner might still be in my stomach...but thankfully, I don’t smell any peppers, which means he probably didn’t include them to keep me from possibly getting sick again. I can’t help but smile at the thought.
That smile vanishes quickly as I remember last night, and though I want to try to remember what scared me so badly, a bigger part of me thinks it’s better if I forget.
And then, inexplicably, I feel like talking about what happened. I sigh, a weight settling in my stomach as I get up, not bothering to get dressed as I make my way into the kitchen.
Leo also isn’t dressed, and he’s facing away from me, so I lean against the wall, a small smile growing on my face as I watch the muscles in his back and shoulders flex. He’s gotten bigger over the years we’ve been together. I finally let out a breath that’s just a bit too loud, and his ears flick towards me before he turns with a gentle smile.
“ Buenos días, otter.” He turns back to the food again. “Have a seat, it will be ready soon.” I nod, even though he can’t see that, and I sit at the small table, on the side that ensures I’m facing him. I’m pretty certain about what his position will be on this issue, but ultimately I decide to press on.
“Leo, can we talk about something?” I ask tentatively, trying to lead up to this as vaguely as possible. Leo pauses for a moment, but quickly continues preparing breakfast.
“Of course, chula. What about?” His response is a tad too cheerful. I take a deep breath, readying myself for what I know is coming my way.
“...Sydney,” I reply.
The response is immediate. Leo’s whole body tenses and his arm jerks a bit, sliding the skillet across the eye of the stove with a loud scrape that makes us both wince before Leo (sort of) calms down. He takes a slow, deep breath and turns off the stove, moving the food off of the eye and turning around.
He’s clearly trying not to look as worried as he is, but he’s never been good at hiding how he feels. He’s leaning back a bit, his hands braced against the counter on either side of the stove, a normally relaxed position...but his arms are tensed, and his strong chest is rising and falling pretty rapidly. He really hates having this conversation, and I’m expecting him to give me the usual spiel about trying to be happy and forget the bad things.
So I’m surprised when he gestures for me to keep going with one hand. In fact, it stuns me so much it takes me a moment to articulate what I want to say.
“I…” Well, fuck. Suddenly, what I really want to tell him gets stuck in my throat. After a few seconds of opening and closing my mouth like an idiot, Leo speaks.
“Are you okay, chula?” Some of his tension has disappeared, at least, which helps me relax a bit as well. But I still can’t say what I want to. I may have gotten farther than usual today, but Leo...he won’t understand. He doesn’t want to.
“I don’t think less of you,” I finally say, thanking God above that I’m not lying to him...at least, not entirely. “I never have. It wasn’t your fault.” Leo’s tensed up again, and I think I must have said something wrong, because his breathing is much heavier, and he turns away from me again, going back to cooking. “Leo-”
“What brought this on?” He asks, his voice trembling a little bit as he tries to sound neutral.
“I…” I shake my head and close my eyes, resting my head in one hand as a headache begins to form. “I don’t know, Leo, I just…”
“We can talk about this later.” He interjects, and I hear him getting plates and setting one down in front of me. “Eat first, and then I have to go to work.” I suddenly don’t feel much like eating, but I force myself to anyway.
Usually I hate when he and I don’t have the same days off, but today I think it’s for the best.
He won’t like what I’ll be up to today anyway.
I watch Leo’s van drive away much faster than usual, and he keeps his window closed instead of opening it a bit to wave as he leaves. I stick my hands in my pockets and wait until the clouds of dust clear, and by then the van is almost out of sight.
I go inside and grab my phone, scrolling through my contacts. I pause at Carl’s name, but ultimately decide not to call. I don’t think calling him for the first time in, what, at least a year, just to talk about trauma would be good for him.
So instead I call someone else.
Flynn doesn’t pick up, which doesn’t exactly surprise me. He rarely responded to my texts even back when we still talked regularly. When we were still friends.
Flynn’s always been kind of an asshole, but that thought causes a knife to twist in my chest. Without thinking, I leave a voicemail, even though I doubt he’ll listen to it.
“Hey Flynn, it’s, uh...it’s Chase.” God you’re so stupid… “I need to talk to you, okay? It’s...it’s important. Call me back.” I hang up and sigh, chewing on my lower lip as I briefly debate texting him before dismissing it. Calling him was a bad idea anyway.
I continue scrolling and pause at Jenna’s name...and then I keep going. She probably changed her number. She seemed pretty disappointed when I told her I wasn’t going to Pueblo...at least, not yet. Carl was pretty bummed about it, too. Sometimes I wonder if he would’ve stayed if I’d gone with them.
I begin to rub my face with my other paw as I keep scrolling...and I hesitate. Don’t do it, Chase...he’s finally doing better, he’s happy, he’s probably having a great day, don’t ruin it for him.
I call him.
You’re a terrible person. Always have been.
He answers on the second ring.
“Hello?” His voice is as cheerful as it always is, as if I haven’t gone nearly three years without saying a word to him. The words stick in my throat again.
Shouting crying panic
Jenna sprints towards town
Flynn and Carl ask what happened
Leo trying to comfort TJ
I pull him out of the water
Sydney just stares
“...hi, Toby.” I quickly correct myself. “Hi TJ.” A brief silence, and the lynx’s cheeriness sounds just a tad forced. Unless I’m imagining it.
“Oh, hey Chase! How’s it going?”
“Well, uh…” This wasn’t a good idea. “Fine. How’re you?”
“Good! You just, uh...caught me about to go to practice.” I look at the clock. It’s not even nine yet.
“Oh.” Silence as I process that TJ just lied to me. “I’ll catch you later then.”
“Chase, wai-” I hang up and stuff my phone into my pocket. Without really thinking about it, I grab my keys and walk outside, getting into my car and driving.
I have no clue where I’m going, or what I want to do when I get there...wherever ‘there’ is.
At least, not until I see a familiar tall Gila walking down the road.
I immediately slam on the brakes, wincing as I’m jolted forward. Must’ve been going faster than I thought. I roll down the window and look out at Flynn. He’s glaring at me, but I can’t tell if that’s still his trademark expression or if he’s specifically giving me the stink eye.
“Get in,” is all I say. He looks like he’s about to say something snide, but apparently sees something in my expression, because he slowly gets in without a word. He barely gets buckled in before I start driving again. For a moment I think he’s going to go the whole ride without saying anything.
“Trouble in paradise, muskshit?”
There it is.
“Not really.” I feel like that shouldn’t piss me off as much as it does. Leo and I are fine. Kind of.
“Really? Usually you only remember we exist when you have a reason not to be attached to him and his dick.”
“Flynn, I want to talk about Sydney.” That shuts him up real quick, and I don’t have to look to imagine the smirk that was no doubt growing on his face vanishing. It’s only when I say this that I realize where we’re headed.
I park near enough to the lake that we can see it, but not so close that we have to get out of the car. I’m sure that annoys Flynn, but I don’t care as I turn to look at him. His expression is surprisingly neutral, but after a few seconds he’s clearly growing impatient, so I speak quickly.
“Do you ever think about what Sydney would look like now? If he were our age?”
“Did you have to drive me all the way here to ask me that?”
“Flynn.”
“Fine, fuck. Yeah, I do.” He crosses his arms. “A lot, actually.” He pauses and looks over at me, and his expression quickly hardens. “He’s been dead since you were nine and you just now feel like talking about him? Why not bring this shit up with Leo?” I don’t answer that, because honestly I don’t think I need to. Flynn knows how Leo feels about the whole situation. But I do know I need to say something, so I do.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t know what kind of reaction I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t for him to intensify his already pretty harsh glare.
“Don’t apologize for shit that isn’t your fault. Besides, that was an empty apology anyway. I doubt he’s crossed your mind once before today.” He knows that isn’t true, I know he does, and I also realize that he’s riling me up on purpose.
“You know what?” I start...and then I just sigh and turn away, staring out at the lake, frowning. Flynn doesn’t say anything. “I really can’t do anything to not make you hate me, can I?” He doesn’t respond to that. I reach to start the car again, frustration and a little bit of shame rushing through me. This was a stupid idea. I shouldn’t have dragged Flynn into this. If he didn’t hate my guts before, I’m sure he does now.
Honestly, what did you expect? Three years since you last had a conversation and you’re just opening a wound that never really closed. Fucking pathetic.
Flynn reaches out, his hand rough but cool against my wrist as he grabs it tightly.
“Fuck’s sake, Chase, I don’t hate you.” That...is definitely a surprise, but I don’t say anything in case something stupid flies out of my mouth again (which is pretty likely). “It just never felt like any of you treated what happened with any kind of...fuck, I don’t even know. Respect, I guess? I mean, come on,” he looks me right in the eyes, and behind the frustration I can sense a sort of...catharsis, and I’m left wondering how long he’s been sitting on this. “Jenna told Carl she was glad he died. How fucked up is that?” That... was a rather harsh thing for her to say, but at the same time, looking at how Sydney acted towards TJ growing up...I can sort of understand it.
It bothers me that I don’t feel guilty about that.
As Flynn continues, I look out at the lake again...and I see a figure standing at the edge of the distant water. It’s broad daylight, but for some reason they’re just a silhouette. The figure is facing away from us, and Flynn’s voice fades away as I lean forward, trying to focus...the only distinguishing features I can see are a long, thick tail and short, rounded ears...both of which are similar to mine.
An otter.
He just stares
As I watch, the figure seems to turn their head, and I get the distinct feeling that they’re watching me. Specifically me. And then their head turns again...and they start walking into the water.
He just stares
“Hey!” I jolt and look at Flynn, my eyes widened. He looks annoyed, but upon seeing my expression it shifts into what looks like...worry. Something I haven’t seen on Flynn’s face (at least directed at me) in a long time. “Chase, what’ve you been staring at?” I don’t answer at first, looking back towards the figure.
And Sydney just stares
They’re chest-deep in the water by now, and yet they keep going, not even waving their arms in their water, and they keep going at the same speed, like somehow their feet are still firmly planted in the sand.
“You...you don’t see that?” I ask, my voice coming out in a near-whisper. I don’t look at Flynn, but in my peripheral I can sense him follow my gaze, and then look back at me.
“Chase, what the fuck are you talking about?” As I watch, barely registering his apparent inability to see the figure, they keep going until their head disappears beneath the water. But I can still see the dark shape in the water, and they still haven’t stopped. It isn’t until I can no longer track them with my eyes that I see bubbles begin to appear at the surface. My chest freezes.
He just stares he just stares he just stares
“Oh my God.”
I don’t even think. I throw open the door to my car and bolt out of it, not bothering to look back as I hear Flynn call for me.
Sydney just stares he won’t stop staring why won’t he stop
I don’t bother with taking off my clothes. I dive into the water, going as quickly as I can beneath the surface to try and find the figure.
Leo what’s wrong with Sydney why won’t he move
Finally, I think I can make them out in the water. They’re much smaller than I initially thought, maybe just a kid. I swim towards them, not bothering to stop and wonder why I’m freaking out about an otter being under for only about a minute.
Sydney
About why they somehow seemed to have walked in water, with no buoyancy whatsoever. That in the mid-morning they were only a silhouette.
Just
I get within a few feet before I can finally make out their features...and I freeze, bubbles of air drifting from my mouth to the surface as I yelp.
It’s Sydney.
He looks just like he did on that day, right down to the dumb luchador swimming trunks he had on.
His eyes are wide open, piercing into mine.
S t a r e s
He’s grinning at me.
Forgetting that I’m in water, that this can’t possibly be real, I scream.
A pair of arms wrap around me from behind, and I thrash around, trying to break free, and I can still see Sydney, his eyes frozen, only staring at me.
He’s still grinning.
I have to get out, I have to break free, why don’t they let go, who’s grabbing me, let me go let me go LET ME GO.
We break the surface, and I begin to cough, bawling like a scared toddler throwing a fit as whoever grabbed me drags me back onto the shore, swearing profusely the whole time.
Finally they let go, letting me drop to the ground, and I try to crawl away, but I can barely move, so I just let my head rest on the sand as tears finally spill from my eyes.
They grab me again, and I don’t react, no longer caring. All I can see is Sydney, his dead body floating in the water, staring at me. I’m lifted halfway up onto someone, and through my tear-blurred vision I see orange and gray scales, purple hair, and...turquoise eyes.
Flynn?
“Jesus fucking Christ Chase, what the fuck?!” He asks, his voice cracking at the last word as he quickly rubs his rough hand over my arm. I barely feel it. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, you’re freezing...shit, what were you thinking?! ” He lifts me up and starts to carry me towards the car, but suddenly all I can think about is how worried he sounds. I made him panic like this. I brought him out here. I just made him relive something he’s never been able to move on from since it happened.
Why do you fuck everything up?
I barely register it as he puts me in the passenger seat, being careful not to shut my tail in the door as he gets into the driver’s side and starts the car, turning on the heat.
“Already over ninety degrees and I’m turning on the heat...you fucking owe me, muskshit.” This sounds more like the Flynn I know...but his voice is shaky. “Shit, what am I gonna tell Leo…”
Leo’s going to worry about you. When he worries, he doesn’t do as well at work. Sometimes he even skips work, and then his dad gets angry, and then Leo’s in a bad mood. You can’t ruin his life too.
“Don’t…” I manage to whisper. Flynn’s head snaps towards me. “Don’t tell Leo…” And then, even though it makes me feel stupid, I start crying again. Flynn looks away from me again, at the lake, and then he curses quietly and reaches over, buckling me in. He doesn’t bother to do the same for himself as he makes a U-turn, driving so quickly that everything passes in a blur.
I start apologizing again, over and over, and this time Flynn doesn’t say anything.