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one
It’s four in the morning, and Soobin has not slept.
He rolls over, frustrated, staring at the wall. The room is quiet, save for Yeonjun’s snoring. The maknaes are all tucked in, and Beomgyu is sleeping (Soobin hopes) in the other room. Soobin should also be sleeping; they have a very busy schedule in just a few hours.
But there is so much going through his head. Their comeback is looming. There’s a pandemic. Everybody is locked inside. They won’t be able to meet MOA, face to face. How is this going to go? Will MOA like it? Will they do enough to make MOA happy? As the leader, Soobin should have some answers...right? But he doesn’t. He keeps trying to think of an answer, but one never comes.
He finally drags himself to the kitchen, whips the refrigerator open, and pulls out a tangerine. But he doesn’t unpeel it, lost in his own thoughts. So he stands, in the kitchen, in front of the open refrigerator, at four in the morning with a tangerine in his hand.
“Hyung?”
He recognizes the voice as Taehyun’s, but can’t turn his head. “Mmh?”
“Soobin-hyung, you should come back to bed.” Taehyun’s red-haired face darts in front of the refrigerator, into Soobin’s field of view. “Are you hungry?”
Soobin’s words come out slow, like molasses. “Mmmn...can’t sleep.”
“Oh.”
He shakes his head, trying to get his words back. “Why are you up, anyway?” he drolls.
“Oh, you know me, I always wake up early.”
“...but four?”
“Ehh.” Taehyun shrugs, looking off to the side, as if waking up at four AM is no big deal. “I was about to go for a run, just have to grab my clothes. You wanna come with?”
Soobin can’t even wrap his mind around going for a run this early. But he suddenly finds he doesn’t want Taheyun to leave. And considering there’s a pandemic, Taehyun shouldn’t be leaving alone, in case he runs into someone. “I…”
“Okay, just, go back to bed, okay, hyung?” Taehyun moves away from Soobin, but stops. Soobin has his hand wrapped around Taehyun’s wrist.
“Don’t go alone,” he forces the words out. “I’ll go with you.”
He nearly sleepwalks through changing his clothes to something more suitable for a run, a blue windbreaker and black sweatpants. Taehyun dresses mostly the same, and the two head out. Seoul still shines bright against the dark sky, but there is nobody around. It’s just Soobin and Taehyun, and Soobin watches as Taehyun takes off, skipping down the street until he reaches the nearest lightpole and turns around.
“Are you coming, hyung?”
Soobin sighs, then jogs over to Taehyun. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m too tired to run.”
“Let’s just walk, then.” And Taehyun takes Soobin’s hand. “I usually go two times around the park, but we can go longer if you like. Sounds good?”
Soobin nods. “Sounds good.” And they walk, mostly in silence. Soobin wills himself to pay attention to the scenery that Taehyun has seen a hundred times before. They walk through the street blocks, past storefronts and taxis, before getting to the edge of the park. Then, Taehyun follows the loop around the park, trees to his left, buildings to his right. He has his hands in his pockets, his eyes are bright and happy, and there’s a small smile on his face. Even though he’s not running like he would have wanted, Soobin can tell Taehyun is still enjoying this.
They circle the park twice, and then Taehyun completes half the circle once more, walking until he gets to a park entrance. There’s a path here that wanders through the park, coming out the other side near the dorms, and Taehyun reaches behind him, taking Soobin’s hand. “You’re still sleepwalking, hyung,” he says with a chuckle. “Come with me.” And Taehyun leads Soobin through the forest path, tall evergreen trees above their heads, occasional lampposts lighting the way. Soobin hasn’t been outside in nature like this since...well, probably last comeback, he doesn’t know. And even though Taehyun is here, it’s quiet. He feels alone.
It’s peaceful.
By the time they both get back to the dorms, Soobin isn’t any less tired, but at least his mind has quieted a bit.
two
It’s eight PM at night, not four in the morning, but Soobin finds himself holding onto a tangerine in the kitchen again.
Their comeback has been delayed. Again. And all Soobin can think of is, is this somehow his fault? He should be doing more as leader. He should be saying something, doing something, anything to fix this. But he feels so hopeless. It’s been more than a week, and he still doesn’t have answers.
He sighs, leaning his head against the freezer. Then, he puts the tangerine back in the refrigerator and shuts the door.
“Hi, hyung!” he hears just as he shuts the door.
Soobin jumps. Taehyun is standing behind him, chipper smile on as always. “I came in to get some cider...you doing okay?”
Soobin sighs, then opens the refrigerator again, grabbing a can of cider and passing it to Taehyun. “Here.” And he walks out of the kitchen, sitting on the couch.
“Hyung.” Taehyun puts the can on the kitchen counter, then walks over to the couch. “You’re all quiet again.”
“I know.”
“You’ve been quiet for the past week. Probably longer than that.”
“Ugh.” Soobin looks up, back at Taehyun. “I know, I know.”
Taehyun thinks to himself for a moment, then, “You’ve been cooped up here all afternoon. You didn’t come to the gym with us. Wanna go for a walk?”
“A walk?”
“Yeah, it worked so well the last time you were like this.” And Soobin remembers: four in the morning, cold spring winds, the park.
“Okay, I’ll go,” and Soobin throws on a jacket. Taehyun puts his cider back in the refrigerator, and they suit up and leave the dorms.
“Do you think I’ll find a new space to walk after we move?” Taehyun asks.
“You will.” Soobin slips on a mask, then puts his hands in his pockets, following shortly behind Taehyun. “If anybody can, it’s you.”
They walk in silence, taking the same path. This time, there are a few people around, but everybody is masked. Nobody makes eye contact with them as they walk around the park. They pass the path that goes through the park, and Soobin starts to talk. “Do you think our comeback will be delayed again?”
“Mmn. I don’t think so. I think this is the last time. We’re all safe, and they just have to find a way to make everything safe while still abiding by quarantine.” Taehyun’s quiet for a moment, and then, “Do you really want to see MOA?”
“Yeah.” Soobin nods. “More than anything.” They’re quiet again for a bit, and then he talks again. “I just...wish they could see us.”
“Soobin-hyung, they’ll be watching. Even if they’re not right there with us, even if they’re not in the room cheering us on, they have to be watching us somehow, right? That’s what I keep telling myself. I don’t think we have any other option. We have to believe they’ll be watching. If we don’t, then we lose our way.” He stops walking and stands right in front of Soobin. “Look in my eyes. It’s like I’m MOA. Don’t take your eyes off of me.”
Soobin nods, and he watches Taehyun all the way home, following in his footsteps, making sure he doesn’t get lost.
three
It would be easy, Soobin thinks, to just pretend like it doesn’t matter. That he is separated from the one thing that keeps him and his bandmates going -- their fans -- and that they should perform anyway, smiling for an invisible crowd. But Soobin knows he’s not that weak. He doesn’t have answers, but he’s not going to give in. So he keeps busy. He focuses on the schedule. He stays late to practice, as late as the security guards will now let him. And after practice, one night, Taehyun waits for him, and they walk together, taking the same path as always.
And eventually, Soobin starts talking.
“I just don’t really think we’re ready,” he whispers into the night air. “We’ve been trying our best, but the practice rooms are almost always closed anymore. We can’t stay super late to practice, and I know Kai’s been wanting to stay extra. He’s been telling me about it.”
“Have you thought of asking our manager?” Taehyun says. “He might have a better idea. Maybe we can get the building staff to leave one of the studios open, after it’s cleaned.”
“That’s the thing, I tried that. They said all the studios have to be aired out overnight. Nobody can go in them.”
Taehyun thinks to himself. “If Kai is wanting more dance practice...it’s getting nicer out, perhaps he could practice outside?”
“Where everybody else can see him?” Soobin deadpans. “Taehyun-ah, even you know that.”
“Ehh. It was worth a shot. Besides. Everybody can see us.”
“Less people than you would think.” This walk is so late at night that nobody else is out, save for the occasional policeman.
“I think we just don’t have the answers,” Taehyun says. “And that’s okay. We’re stuck going in circles until we’re given the green light. But everybody is like that right now. I bet there are MOAs out there who have dreams, and they can’t do anything about them right now. They’re ready, but they can’t make that move, or they can’t go to school. And so they’re stuck.”
“Yeah, but Taehyun.” Soobin stops, on the edge of the park. “Shouldn’t we be the ones who are lifting up MOA during those difficult times? Isn’t that why we exist?”
There’s an odd look to Taehyun’s eyes. “Yes, but,” he says, “you must always remember we’re human.” And he leads Soobin into the forest. “I want to meet MOA, too. It’s hard, being separated like this. I want this to be over so I can see them face to face again. Until it’s over, though, I have to keep going, because I know that MOA are still watching me. They’re waiting to see, oh, how is Taehyun responding to the pandemic? Is Taehyun worried? No? If Taehyun isn’t worried, then I shouldn’t be worried, either. Something like that.”
Soobin wishes he could have Taehyun’s inner strength. He does, of course, but he just can’t see it at the moment.
four
They start making the walks a regular thing. When they can’t go outside, they stay up late, talk at night, sometimes for hours. Soobin hints at what’s going on in his mind, and Taehyun tries his best to come up with a solution. He usually fails -- which is rare for Taehyun, but in the middle of a pandemic, there are no answers.
One time, Taehyun takes Soobin for bingsu afterwards, ordering and then taking it outside. They walk back inside the park and sit on a park bench.
“Chocolate on your bingsu,” he mutters, happy with his cherries on top. “Okay, whatever.”
“Chocolate is clearly the superior bingsu topping,” Soobin manages to say in between bites, inhaling the treat. It’s the first time since the pandemic began that he’s been able to have bingsu. It almost tastes too sweet, like he’s been used to going without it.
“As long as you’re happy.” Taehyun savors his, eating it slowly. It’s a nice enough day that they can afford to dawdle; Soobin doesn’t even properly need his windbreaker this time, but wears it as camouflage. If he looks up, he can see the dark blue sky through the fir trees, not a cloud to be seen.
Time is passing. Even though it doesn’t feel like it.
“The 18th of May, right?”
He looks over at Taehyun. “Yeah, that’s the new date. We’ll have to announce it soon.” They sit in silence for a bit, and Soobin’s mind goes back to their comeback stage. He already knows what the audience is going to look like: there won’t be a single person out there. They’ll be lucky if they have a comeback stage at all. What would it be like, to release an album into the void, with no performances to go with it?
“Soobin-hyung.”
He turns to Taehyun. Taehyun motions to Soobin’s bingsu. “Your bingsu is melting.”
“Oh!” Soobin focuses on the bingsu, and by the time it’s gone, he notices he hasn’t thought about the comeback stage at all.
“Are you excited for the comeback?”
Soobin shrugs. “I don’t know what to think of it yet.”
“Well, you kept talking about how you want every detail to be perfect. We know you do, hyung. So let’s just go out there and do our best. That’s all MOA can expect of us.” And Taehyun takes Soobin’s empty bingsu container and walks over to the nearest trash can, and Soobin once more finds himself jealous.
When did maknae Taehyun end up being more of an emotional rock than him?
five
They are almost to their comeback when Taehyun calls Soobin. “Do you need a walk?” is all he asks.
Soobin meets Taehyun outside the dorms in ten minutes. It’s a bit windy today, with a threat of rain at any point, but he’s thankful for the break. It’s been another day of staring at the wall, wishing he could do more. They finally got clearance to use the practice rooms again, but only for an hour at a time, and then they had to change rooms and let the previous one air out.
To Soobin, it’s still not enough. They’re just barely ready for the comeback. With virtual interviews being set up and socially distanced photoshoots being scheduled, they don’t have much more time to practice. Soobin knows he has to have faith in his fellow members. He just wishes he had more faith in himself.
So he’s lost in his own mind, unsure of what to say to Taehyun...if anything. He stares straight ahead, just a little bit down, in front of him. By now he knows the path around the park by heart, going two times around the perimeter, Taehyun by his side or just in front of him. He doesn’t even notice that they’ve arrived at the park’s entrance until Taehyun takes his hand.
A cold wind whips through the trees as they enter, permeating his jacket. Soobin can’t bring himself to look at Taehyun. He doesn’t even know if he can walk a step further. It’s too cold. He shouldn’t be out here like this. What if he’s out here too long, and he gets sick? What if Taehyun gets sick? What if their comeback is delayed again just because they wanted to go for a walk?
Taehyun pauses, turning back for Soobin. “Do you need something to drink?”
Soobin can’t answer.
“You sound like you have the hiccups,” Taehyun says with a laugh, and it’s then that he notices Soobin is crying. Warm, fat tears are streaming down his face, and he’s making no effort to catch them or hide it.
“Hey,” he whispers, and he catches Soobin before he falls, doing his best to hold him up. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Talk it out.”
“I’m a horrible hyung,” Soobin whimpers into Taehyun’s shoulder. “I’m a horrible hyung, and I’m a horrible leader, and --” His knees buckle, and Taehyun falls with him, both sitting on the concrete in the middle of the park, nobody else around.
“I’m so useless,” he sobs. “I can’t do anything to help us right now.”
And Taehyun, for once, doesn’t say a word. He simply lets Soobin cry, lets Soobin lean on his shoulder, getting tears all over his jacket. When Soobin can’t breathe, Taehyun pulls his jacket off, then gives Soobin a sleeve to use as a temporary tissue.
“You --” Soobin can’t say words without choking up. “You always seem to have it so together. Even now. Why?”
Taehyun stares up at Soobin with big brown eyes and says, “Because you are my leader.”
And Soobin sobs into Taehyun’s windbreaker again. “I -- I feel like -- I’m such a horrible leader -- people are depending on me -- I can’t do anything --”
“We can all move forward because of you.”
“But I’m not -- strong and steady -- like you --”
Taehyun places a finger on Soobin’s lips. “You can cry, but you’re not gonna shoot me down like that, hyung. You know why I’m able to always stand strong like this? You know how I know we’re gonna be okay, even when the world is falling apart?” He smiles. “I didn’t pick you as our leader for no reason, Soobin. It’s always you that leads us forward. Our northern star.”
& one
After they move, after the comeback, Soobin gets a text message. It’s from Taehyun; he’s at the gym. Wanna hang out later today?
Sure, he texts back, and when Taehyun gets back, he practically drags Soobin out of the dorms. They take the train across Seoul to their old location, and when they get off, Soobin wonders if Taehyun’s gonna take him to some old hangout, perhaps a convenience store. But as they walk away from where the old building was, he understands exactly where they’re going.
“Twice around and then the shortcut through?” he asks.
Taehyun beams back at him. “You’re a fast learner, hyung.”
Soobin feels different this time around. Maybe it’s because their comeback was a success. Maybe it’s because he’s learning how to navigate this new normal. Maybe it’s because, like Taehyun said, his members were there for him when it mattered the most. It’s probably all three. It wasn’t the same, but MOA saw them, all the same. The views and the awards prove that. And Soobin knows he will see them again someday, and he will have to keep walking forward, towards MOA, towards the day when he can see them again.
And he has Taehyun to thank for that. Beautiful, amazing Taehyun who has never stopped looking up to him. It’s almost caused Soobin to have a crush on him...he thinks. Not like Soobin is ever bold enough to confess such things; he’s certain at some point it will pass.
Taehyun can’t stop chatting Soobin up today, though. He’s talking about the summer, and if they can still take a trip with the regulations in place, and if Soobin likes the new song they are writing together, and before long they make their two loops around the park and are back at the entrance. Taehyun turns, smiling at Soobin. “This is my favorite part?”
“I can see why. You actually get to walk through the park, and actually be around nature, breathe in the trees. It makes me feel like I’m not in the city for, like, thirty seconds.”
Taehyun laughs and shakes his head. “No, silly. It’s my favorite part because I always get to walk it with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” There’s a small blush on Taehyun’s face. “Honestly? I never walked through the park before like this. Not until we went that first time at four in the morning.”
Soobin finds himself at a loss for words as Taehyun keeps talking. “You just...seemed like you needed a break. And, well, it wasn’t much, but I figured it was something. You’re right, I guess. You can stand in here and maybe, for a second or two, feel like you’re not in Seoul. It’s nice to have a moment to breathe. And I know you, Soobin-hyung. I know how you’re always quiet on the outside, but your brain is running a hundred kilometers a minute, making sure we’re all okay. And you’ve always worried if you’re doing enough, but I’ve trusted you from the beginning. Because I’ll always be here for you. Because I love you.” And Taehyun realizes what he’s just said, and he blushes, but he doesn’t turn around, doesn’t try to hide it. After all, he has brought Soobin to this very spot just so he can tell Soobin how much he means to him.
It clicks for Soobin. And he knows there isn’t anybody else around, knows it’s just him and Taehyun.
He steps forward and wraps Taehyun up in his arms, then kisses him on the forehead twice. “I love you, I love you,” and then, “Did you know that I love myself more because of you?” It’s like the words aren’t even true until he says them, but they are.
It’s Taehyun’s turn to cry, just a little bit. All he ever wanted was for Soobin to understand how amazing he was, just as he was. He had expected it to work. He hadn’t expected to be thanked for it.
He pulls away a bit. “I wasn’t --”
Soobin wipes away his tears and kisses him, then, full on, surrounded by evergreen trees and the poignant silence and the knowing that everything’s going to be okay. And Taehyun lets himself be surprised, because Soobin’s surprises are nothing but gentle. When the world is uncertain, Soobin has always been a safe place to fall.
He holds onto Soobin as he pulls away, and they giggle, just a little, a new secret forming between the two. Then, Soobin takes Taehyun’s hand, and they walk, together, side by side, through the park and back home.