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Red, lacy, curved. Oh-aew traces his reflection in the mirror with his eyes, tilting his head this way and that to see how he looks. It feels a bit strange, with the straps digging into his skin, but he doesn’t think that it looks strange. The bra fits him well, the correct size he thinks, it doesn’t hang too loose on his chest, nor does it squeeze him. He glances down at his phone and without thinking swipes into Instagram and holds the camera up. Oh-aew tilts his hip a bit and lets his face fall into a natural expression. The picture is snapped and for a moment, his thumb hesitates over the post button, but then that hesitation is gone and he presses it. The blue bar loads slowly and then it's up, his page refreshing so he can see that his photo is posted. He likes it, he looks good. He notices that the color matches his shorts and compliments the blush he’s beginning to develop on his cheeks and ears. It’s also the same bright red as the hibiscus that Teh had picked out and tucked behind his ear.
Teh.
Then it all comes crashing down on him. Suddenly, he feels as if he can’t breathe. The blood rushes to his head and oh god, he needs to take the post down. Luckily nobody has liked it yet, he hopes nobody has even seen it. He lets his phone fall from his hands when it's deleted and scrabbles to take the bra off. It’s suddenly too constricting, too tight and heavy against his skin. A constant reminder that he’ll never be the type of person that Teh wants. He’ll never be Tarn. Because Tarn is a girl, a woman and Teh is a boy and that’s how life is supposed to be like, right? Oh-aew feels dizzy, his skin prickling as he struggles to un-clasp it. But when he finally gets it off, the pressure is still there. His legs shake and he falls to his knees, then onto his side, folding into himself. His breaths come in loud, wet gasps as burning tears run down his cheeks.
Too much noise in his head, yet everything around him seems quiet and still. He can’t breathe, he can’t think about anything except the fact that he is not good enough. Not good enough for Teh, not good enough for any university, not good enough for himself. The memory of Teh pressed up against him underwater, their lips moving like they were made to be together is branded in his mind and it just makes everything worse. He can’t believe how stupid he was to have any hope about them. The pity, pain, fear in Teh’s eyes as he stepped away from him and watched Oh-aew sob in desperation. They like each other, so why is he so unwilling to not be with him?
Why isn’t he good enough? Is Teh ashamed to feel something for him? Does the thought of being anything more than friends make him feel sick?
Oh-aew distantly hears someone crying before realizing that it's him. His throat feels raw and his eyes are squeezed shut. His nails are digging into his palms but he doesn’t care because the pain is nowhere as close as the ache he feels in his heart.