Work Text:
middle school
He was an idiot. A worthless idiot, he knew it.
He couldn't do math nor English, his quirk was boring as hell. He was not smart, and he can't hold his feelings up.
Kirishima knew all of that and he hated himself for that.
He figured he was probably broken. Everybody else seemed so composed, like they each owned the world; everybody in his class was doing right, while he was there, not helping but to feel like a complete failure.
Was he really worth it?
Is he enough?
Will he ever be enough?
Life was hard.
Trying his best was hard.
Acting as if everything's alright was hard.
Damn, even breathing was hard.
Heroes don't cry. It was not manly of him to tear apart.
He tried to stop his hands from shaking and his jaw from quivering. He failed.
He was fucking miserable.
first year
Kirishima Eijuirou has had some pretty good days, he’d say.
It was still difficult, you know, to trust himself and to feel at ease. But there was progress, too. He now has a pretty good amount of okay days, and his bad days see the light of the day less and less every time; though good days were not that frequent, he can't complain, to be honest, he doesn't even want to.
Okay days were enough for him now. There was happiness in okay days. As much as there was pain, there was peace, too.
Probably the fact that he has friends has a lot to do his new situation. Kirishima never thought he deserved friends before, but he was now learning to be greedy. And they were cool, good people; they all had these amazing quirks but somehow, they seemed normal. Reachable, if he could put it in one word. His friends were human, they laughed and cried and were dumb. Eijirou likes that, it reminded him that, at the end of the day, heroes were people with their own feelings and problems too, just as everybody else.
He also knew this boy, though he cannot be certain he would ever admit their friendship, Bakugou Katsuki was the person he has bonded with the most among all school. He was loud and abrasive qand didn’t have a filter on his mouth, but somehow his own confidence has helped build Eijirou one too. Besides, Kirishima has always been a competitive person at heart, so befriending Bakugou and learning to know the deep layers of the blond represented the most fascinating challenge he has faced in UA. Kirishima was sure he was number one hero material, and though his bad sides, he can see Bakugou trying.
Trying is all it takes in life, sometimes.
He focuses in his currently frowning friend (its not like Bakugou has really other expression in his face ever, really), and a tiny smile slid into his face at the thought that it was really good having friends, people you can rely to.
"Are those fucking roots?" He froze.
No.
This couldn't be happening, Kirishima dumbly tries to reason, today was an okay day. He was completely sure of that, so why is this happening right now?
His hands started trembling a little. Kirishima pressed them against his thighs, trying to stop it. He closed his eyes.
"Hey, ya heard me?" Bakugou was moving closer, but he himself couldn't manage to move, not even a even a little. Damn, he thought, was he even breathing anymore?
It was just a question from a friend; he surely did not mean anything bad.
Just a question.
It is just hair.
Just stupid roots.
And stupid trembling hands with stupid watering eyes.
He should stop thinking.
He really wanted to stop. Right Now. He needs to stop right now.
He has to stop. He has to stop in this moment or else he’ll- "Stop! Shit" His hands were trembling really bad right now, his eyes red from the irritation.
"I gotta stop right now, everything’s fine. I'm okay. I gotta be okay, it's just hair-" his muttering stopped by two steady hands shaking firmly his shoulders.
"Yes, you idiot, you need to stop right now" He opened his eyes, Bakugou was close, and he looked... concerned? He couldn't tell, his brain was not able to process his face well right now.
He wanted to hurt himself, he needed it. Quickly.
"Hey, you're scratching your arms, gimme your hands. Now."
"Uh" What was Bakugou saying?
"I said, give me your hands, Kirishima" His eyes were serious, red meeting red and silently pleading, so he slowly obeyed.
Bakugou wrapped his hands around his own. Tight. "Focus on breathing. Take a deep breath, just like me" He showed and waited, "yes, like that" the blond smiled a little. "Now, hold it for 6 seconds... and exhale now for 7".
Kirishima counted 7 seconds in his head.
It got easier at the third time to breathe correctly again. He repeated it two more times, then, smiled softly.
"Thank you," Eijirou squeezed their hands "it really helped me".
"It's okay” Bakugou looked at their hands pressed together. He did not let go, though. "I got them too, since, you know..." he looked sad, "since the incident".
"You know you can come to me, right? Any time, you just gotta knock at my door".
"I... may do that" He moved from the floor, closed his books and settled on his bed, watching as Kirishima followed his actions. "Do you wanna fucking talk about what just happened?"
His left hand started shaking at the thought, so Bakugou held it with one of his. "I just," he hesitated, "feel like losing control sometimes? I try hard to manage my anxiety and, believe me, it has gone better. But I can't help these bad thoughts in my head that come out from nowhere, trying to convince me I am not good enough".
Eijirou started playing with a string of his hair, he took a deep breath and said "I dye it frequently, it's not as if I'm trying to hide the fact that it's not my natural hair, I mean, it's pretty obvious" he laughed a little, "it's just that sometimes roots remind me of the old me; how weak I was, and I know I've worked hard and improved a lot but," he started crying again, but this time it was okay, he just realized it was okay to let it out with Bakugou, "what if I really am worthless? You know, I will never be as good as all of you, I'm just… this mess, and that will never be enough".
Bakugou held his hand even tighter and for a moment he appeared angry, but there was this sad look on his face that made the redhead think he screwed up by banting his feelings like that.
“Listen here, you fucking idiot. There will be times when you will not be good enough, and that sucks, but it´s okay, cause that’s life,” his voice was strong yet so soft and full of care, “cause you don´t have to be good enough all the times. You just need to be you, Eijirou Kirishima, and that’s all.” He said low and gentle, “That’s enough”.
Yeah, Bakugou will make a great hero someday.
He smiled, knowing that he will be okay, for sure. That he is enough.
“To be completely honest, I do prefer red over black” there was a smirk on his face.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. ‘Makes you happier. Brighter”