Work Text:
Modern TEXTING AU; they’re all in college and they’re all idiots. Everybody's gay.
CHATGROUP: ROOMIES MINE
LENNONBALLS: Guys?
LENNONBALLS: DUDES? I’m ready to be ticked up now. You know, like I said 20 mens ago?
LENNONBALLS: Gays? Li’l help here?
BABYRICHMAN: Hey, John. Sorry. Not sure when we’ll be picking you up, darlin’
LENNONBALLS: What do you bean you’re not sure? Why not sure? WTF not sure? You said you’d be rite uber to pick me up when I was Finnish with the %$#@ doctor, I AM.
LENNONBALLS: %$# finished, I mean!
BABYRICHMAN: Aye, we did, but…
BABYRICHMAN: …
LENNONBALLS: … ? WTF is … ? Is there a pablum?
LENNONBALLS: You hvnt had an accident, hv you? Is everyone ok?
BABYRICHMAN: No.
LENNONBALLS: NO? OMG WHAT HAPPENED? IS PAUL OK? IS EVERYONE OK? WHO WAS DRIVING OMG RINGO I AM FREEING OUT WHAT HAPPENED? IS PAUL DEAD?
BABYRICHMAN: No, John…
LENNONBALLS: OMG PAUL IS DEAD, ISNT HE? I’m gonna die! Where are you? Has anyone called emergent?
BABYRICHMAN: No, John SHUT UP A MINUTE!
LENNONBALLS: Don’t make me cry! I’m frying!
BABYRICHMAN: Mate, I was just answering your first question, that NO there wasn’t a problem. But there kind of is.
LENNONBALLS: Oh my God!
BABYRICHMAN: No, mate, it’s not an accident. It’s so stupid I don’t even want to tell you.
LENNONBALLS: Well what is it then? When I see you I’m going to kick your arse bald for making me worry like this.
BABYRICHMAN: I didn’t worry you, lad, you did that all by yourself, didn’t you? And my arse is pretty bald already. Or did you mean arseballs? I don’t have them!.
LENNONBALLS: ...
BABYRICHMAN: Wait, did you mean kick or lick? You type bad.
LENNONBALLS: I hate you. What has happened?
BABYRICHMAN: Well… nuffin.
Lennonballs has changed his name to Lennondropkick
LENNONDROPKICK: I swear to gad, I’m going to kil you. WHAT?
BABYRICHMAN: I said NUFFIN. I mean NUFFIN. Ask your boyfriend. Him and George are in the front seat no cooperating with each other, so we’re still at the diner. In the parkin lot.
LENNONDROPKICK: Wait. You’re still there?
BABYRICHMAN: M’fraid if we don’t move soon Geo will need to eat again.
LENNONDROPKICK: I’m hungry. You guys were supposed to bring me a sandwich recumbent? Bc doctor made me fist?
BABYRICHMAN: Oh, yeah…you’ve been fasting.
LENNONDROPKICK: So, you forgot that?
BABYRICHMAN: I can go get it for you. Now. Bc we’re still here.
LENNONDROPKICK: Macca…
LENNONDROPKICK: ...Macca…
BABYRICHMAN: He’s not lookin’. Too busy fightin’ ain’t they?
Lennondropkick has changed his name to Lennonhungry
LENNONHUNGRY: Ringo… just tell me whatis goingon?
BABYRICHMAN: Not sure how to start…
LENNONHUNGRY: Just describe the screen you see before you aye?
BABYRICHMAN: Well, it’s me phone, you know, so it's what, 4 inch’s?
LENNONHUNGRY: The sceen! The SCENE. What are they doing?
BABYRICHMAN: Oh…
BABYRICHMAN: Well, see, we had lunch and all, right? Ate some burgers, had some shakes?
LENNONHUNGRY: I am familyer with the concept of lunck, yes. You had food and I am starving move on.
BABYRICHMAN: So, then we come back to the car
LENNONHUNGRY: WIhtout my food, aye?
BABYRICHMAN: I could go get you some
LENNONHUNGRY: JUST TELL ME WTF IS GOING ON?
BABYRICHMAN: Well then you know, Paul drove here, and Geo didn’t like how he did, so he called dibs and jumped in the driver seat, didn’t he?
LENNONHUNGRY: So????
BABYRICHMAN: So, Paulie has the keys, don’t he?
LENNONHUNGRY: Aw shit. Aww, Christ.
BABYRICHMAN: Yeah.
LENNONHUNGRY: So, don’t tell me. They’ve been sittin’ there fightin’ about it for these 20 mins?
BABYRICHMAN: 30, now. Geo’s got his hands on the wheel and won’t take em off, and Paulie even bit one of em.
LENNONHUNGRY: He bit Geo?
BABYRICHMAN: Aye, and then Geo headbutted him to get him off.
LENNONHUNGRY: ???
BABYRICHMAN: No, that came out wrong. YOu know, to get him off. Shit. Just, to make him go away.
LENNONHUNGRY: I. Am. Sure. Geo. Wasn’t. Getting. Him. Oh, forget it. So now, twat? Paulie is sitting there, isn’t he? With the keys in his stubborn hand and his arms crossed his chest like an old granny waiting for her feckin tea, yeah? And meanwhile it’s Conan on rain here.
BABYRICHMAN: Well, he was. But then Geo headbutton him, you know. So, he put them down the front of his pants.
LENNONHUNGRY: My bf has car keys down his pants?
BABYRICHMAN: Flat keys too. Made a point of shovin’ em all the way down by his pecker. Geo says he wouldn’t dive down there for a pearl before a swine.
LENNONHUNGRY: So… it’s a stalemate?
BABYRICHMAN: Well… Geo is there with both hands on the wheel and he’s turnin’ it and making brrrrrrrrrrm noises, like he’s drivin. But we’re still here.
BABYRICHMAN: Sure I cant’ get you a burger and shake? S’no trouble. And youre hangry.
LENNONHUNGRY: I’m hungry.
BABYRICHMAN: And angry. So, hangry.
LENNONHUNGRY: And wet. It’s rainin’ here and Iv’e no unrepeller.
BABYRICHMAN: So you’re whangry, then.
LENNONHUNGRY: %##$% gonna so fuck you up when I see you!
BABYRICHMAN: What me? I’m the only one thinking about you and your whanger right now.
BABYRICHMAN: I meant, not your wang, you know, your –
LENNONHUNGRY: I GET IT, I GET IT. TELL MACCA TO PICK UP HIS PHONE.
Polistol has entered the chat
POLISTOL: Hi Baby, you out of your appointment? Everything good?
LENNONHUNGRY: %$#@^&!!! *&%^$#!!!!
POLISTOL: Are you mad?
BABYRICHMAN: He’s whangry. Gonna go get him a burger.
LENNONHUNGRY: No! No, don’t get me any fringe, just come PIC K ME UP! It’s raining &I’m tired & hungry and I don’t want to wait any ore!
POLISTOL: Too late, love, he’s already left to get it. Nice of him.
LENNONHUNGRY: But you’re late already. It’s raining. I’m wet.
POLISTOL: Hangry, too, sounds like.
LENNONHUNGRY: %%#@^&!!! Stop fighting with Geo and come get me. NOW!
POLISTOL: Can’t do that. Gotta wait for Ritchie, now, don't we? Also, I’ve got the keys and he’s no business jumpin in the diver’s seat now had he?
LENNONHUNGRY: Paulie?
POLISTOL: Yeah, babe?
LENNONHUNGRY: Paulie, I love you. And if you don’t gibe Geo the keys right now, I’m... I’m…
POLISTOL: But you said it’s raining over there so it will be rainin here soon and you know Geo is lousy in the rain.
LENNONHUNGRY: Doesn’t matter do it? When the rain comes you might just as well be dead, bc I’m gonna kill you.
POLISTOL: I’ll run and hide me head, then. Look, I’m sorry love, but it’s no good. I had the keys. I still do.
Hazzatummy has entered the chat
HAZZATUMMY: He better not be tellin you this is my fault b/c it aint. Lad can’t drive without speedin like a bullet. Scary, innit? Gets my stomach all pukish.
POLISTOL: Puckish.
POLISTOL: Peckish is what you actually mean, though.
HAZZATUMMY: And he’s annoyin’ too. Colorectoling everything all the livelong day.
POLISTOL: Correcting. And I do not do that. Except, okay, just now. And I do not speed. I just drive efficiently.
HAZZATUMMY: You passed a copper who never caught up. And I know you don’t like that, John. Him takin’ chances and all.
POLISTOL: You stinkin' little tattletale!
LENNONHUNGRY: Paul, I wear to god.
BABYRICHMAN: Johnny you want cheese on it?
LENNONHUNGRY: YES. Are you really getting me food? You’re so niche Rictchi.
HAZZATUMMY: Rictchi? Ritch-chi-chi? That’s so cute! Ritchichichi, Buy me something!
Babyrichman has changed his name to Ritchichichi
POLISTOL: We just ate!
HAZZATUMMY: Shurrup you boyscout! YOU bit ME! YOU just ate. I’m fallin away here. Ritch-chi-chi, GET ME CAKE. DONUTS or fumpin.
POLISTOL: It was a little nip, you baby! You head-butted me.
Lennonhungry has changed his name to Lennonwhangry
LENNONWHANGRY: Guys, it’s really starting to comb down, here. Water from the sky and all.
RITCHICHICHI: Georgie, love, they’ve got the big Linzer Tortes if you want them?
LENNONWHANGRY: There’s thunder. I can hear it getting closer.
HAZZATUMMY: Oh, I LOVE THOSE! Get 2! No, 3 so you can have one too!
POLISTOL: I’ve a bruise! John, I’ve a bruise near my eye bc of Hazza!
LENNONWHANGRY: Gonna be soon! You know? ELECTRICITY?
POLISTOL: He hurt me, Johnny.
HAZZATUMMY: He’s flirtin with me, Johnny, you should know! Wants me reachin’ down his pants, doesn’t he?
LENNONWHANGRY: Did I mention I’ve no ????
LENNONWHANGRY: And you shut up, Hazza. You know he doesn’t want your hand in his pants.
HAZZATUMMY: Not anymore, anyway.
POLISTOL:
LENNONWHANGRY: Wait, what?
LENNONWHANGRY: WHAT?
LENNONWHANGRY: Hazza? WHAT?
LENNONWHANGRY: Macca? Macca, what? Why do you look guilty? Or anxious. Or gilty?
LENNONWHANGRY: Hello?
LENNONWHANGRY: Hello?
LENNONWHANGRY: RINGO?
RITCHICHICHI: Well, they’re really fightin’ now aint they?
LENNONWHANGRY: What’s going on?
RITCHICHICHI: Gonna kill each other I fink. You better do something about your bf, John. Paulie got so man he starting bangin geos head on the streen wheel. I don’t like it.
LENNONWHANGRY: Oh, no. Oh, God. Two Speak boys going at it.
RITCHICHICHI: Speke
LENNONWHANGRY: I KNOW! What are they doin’ It’s FUCKING POURING HEAR!
RITCHICHICHI: Paul jumped out of his seat and unlocked the door and pushed Geo out on the ground. Then he jumped in the driver’s seat.
LENNONWHANGRY: Oh shit is Geo okay?
RITCHICHICHI: Can’t see him. I’m just payin for your food ... a mo ... Looks like Geo is on his feet but he’s curled over like his tum hurts
LENNONWHANGRY: Did you buy be chips?
RITCHICHICHI: YES! I bought you chips. Think you’d be more concerned that your bf’s crying, now.
LENNONWHANGRY: Paulie is crying? WHY IS PAULIE CRAYING?
RITCHICHICHI: Thank you for askin how Geo is but he’s okay. He’s laughin. Holding his guts laughin.
LENNONWHANGRY: Why is he laughing? How can he be lagging when my Macca is crying? WHY IS PAUL CRYING?
RITCHICHICHI: Well, he’d put his keys in near his junk, didn’t he? Guess when he umm… guess when he jumped into geo’s seat things had ummm. Shifted. Yeah, Paulie’s crying.
LENNONWHANGRY: Oh, my pore baby! I hope he didn’t hurt anything imported.
Lennonwhangry has changed his name to Lennonworried
RITCHICHICHI: His face is pretty red.
LENNONWORRIED: Oh, my god PAULIE? MY BABY?
Hazzatummy has changed his name to Hazzatarte
HAZZATARTE: He’s kind a bent over just now Johnny. Can’t text ya.
LENNONWORRIED: Is he really crying?
HAZZATARTE: Oh, aye. A right sobbin mess he is. Real tears. That hadda hurt.
LENNONWORRIED: I hate you now. I’m going mess you us when I see you!
HAZZATARTE: WHY? I didn’t do nuffin. Wasn’t even serious about him wanting my hand down his pants.
RITCHICHICHI: Um, HELLO and WHAT? Did I miss something while I was getting you TWO linzer tarts?
HAZZATARTE: And the tartes really good, too, thanks Ritchi love. Naw, I was just funning with you, you know, to take the piss out on Paul.
RITCHICHICHI: Don’t think he’ll be pissin’ too easily for the rest of the day, anyway. Aches me own just thinkin about it.
LENNONWORRIED: Paulie? Baby, don’t cry.
LENNONWORRIED: Paulie?
HAZZATARTE: Geez, Paul, yer really cryin’ aint ya? Didn’t cut anything did ya?
Polistol has changed his name to Polissmoll
POLISSMOLL: Oomp.
LENNONWORRIED: What is that?
RITCHICHICHI: he’s sobbin some more, aint he? That's a sob, sounds like.
POLISSMOLL: Oompurts.
HAZZATARTE: I feel bad.
LENNONISWORRIED: Paul? I love you, Bonny, but its thunder and lightning here. And my food is getting cold. I’m not angry anymore, okay, but I’m wet and hungry. I’m wungry. Can you come and git me, please?
POLISSMOLL: Oomp. Oomp.
POLISSMOLL: Can’t. Can’t drive. May be injured. Oomp.
Lennonisworried has changed his name to Lennonwungry
LENNONWUNGRY: So, let someone else drive. Give the keys to Geo!
HAZZATARTE: I’m not touchin’ his keys after where they’ve been. And besides, I’m eatin’ big cookies! Can't search his wang with a linzer torte.
LENNONWUNGRY: Ritchie? Will you drive?
RITCHICHICHI: My license is sumbended, innit? Member? B’sides I have a big cooker too!
LENNONWUNGRY: Paul???
POLISSMOLL: Oomp.
LENNONWUNGRY: Please? Can you please drive? Are you just sore or is your dingdong really broken? Not bleedin are you?
POLISSMOLL: Sore, I guess. Oomp. No blood.
LENNONWUNGRY: Then, please? ‘’m so wet, and so hungry… and there’s you know, lightning. I could die.
POLISSMOLL: Will you oomp it? Later?
LENNONWUNGRY: Oomp what, baby?
POLISSMOLL: Will you oompklims my owie?
LENNONWUNGRY: …. ?
RITCHICHICHI: Think the missin’ word there is might be kiss. You know? Or making lick? Pretty sure it’s not kick.
LENNONWUNGRY: I’ll do anything you want w your owie, honey, incl icing it, surrounding it with frozen peas, if that’s what you need. Just please, come get me?
POLISSMOLL: OK. I guess we can oomp ... drive… did you say oompeas? That sounds weird.
LENNONWUNGRY: Aw, baby, we’ll go to bed, alright? And I'll help make it better and all? I’ll swaddle your boys in frozen peas, yeah? All I’m sayin’ is we’ll give peas a chance?