Chapter Text
Sometimes, Tadashi hates being an omega.
Usually it's fine; his heats occur regular as clockwork, once every three months, and usually last a maximum of four days. And, apart from his heats and the week leading up to them, he also doesn’t really have strong instincts. He doesn’t even really have a strong sense of smell. So, all in all: it’s usually fine. Yes, he’s an omega, but most of the time he doesn’t really think about it, and it doesn’t matter all that much to him.
Sometimes, though. Sometimes.
Sometimes always follows the same pattern: Tadashi is around Kei, and Kei is either really close – close enough for Tadashi to smell his scent properly – or does something that Tadashi’s instincts categorise as distinctly alpha. And then, without fail, Tadashi will go from a boy with a hopeless crush on his best friend to an omega who wants to show off and prove he’s a good mate to what he considers his alpha.
First of all, it’s inconvenient as fuck. Seeing as Kei isn’t actually his alpha and all.
Second of all, it’s a problem. Because here’s the thing: Tadashi has his crush on Kei under control, mostly. Well, he does if he ignores the fact that ‘crush’ is probably the understatement of the year and that his most prized possessions are three of Kei’s pullovers that Kei forgot at Tadashi’s at some point. Tadashi has never given them back and he doesn’t plan on doing so. He likes to sleep in them. He also used them in his last three heats, since conveniently, all three of the pullovers were forgotten by Kei in the week leading up to a heat, so his scent was still all over them.
Anyways, if he ignores those things – and he does – he has his crush under control. Enough so that Kei will hopefully never find out.
All of that, however, goes immediately out the window when his body has these omega moments, as he’s taken to calling them. Tadashi hates it.
He hates that a minute ago, he was fine, peacefully sitting on his bed and setting up his laptop so he and Kei could watch some documentary Kei has been bringing up in every conversation today. But then, Kei just had to sink down on the bed right next to him, and not only that, but lean into him and hook his chin over Tadashi’s shoulder to watch what he’s doing.
Tadashi would revel in the casual intimacy Kei allows with no one but him, if it didn’t mean that right now, Kei’s face is basically pressed alongside Tadashi’s scent glands. He’s basically scent-marking Tadashi as a by-product of this. Kei is no doubt not even thinking about it because they’re just comfortable around each other, they’re friends, and Tadashi can’t stop thinking about it. He's going insane.
He wants Kei to press closer, he wants Kei to actively nuzzle into his neck, he wants Kei to bite down and claim him.
Obviously, none of these things happen. Instead Kei hums under his breath and rests a hand on Tadashi's hip because they’re friends and casual intimacy is a thing they do, have done for years, and Tadashi represses a sigh and leans back into Kei. Kei hums again, his fingers stroking soft circles over Tadashi’s hip, and Tadashi thinks his life would be a hell of a lot easier if he wasn’t an omega, or maybe not hopelessly in love with his best friend. He’s a realist, though, and a sudden change of his secondary gender is a lot more realistic than any universe in which Tadashi isn’t in love with Kei. He doesn’t think it was ever any option at all. One day, when they were still in elementary school, Kei smiled at him for the first time, and Tadashi just knew. It’s probably silly, that he, who is unsure about so many things, only had to see Kei smile once and immediately said this one, I want this one. It’s always been Kei for him. The dynamics side of their relationship is a thing that came with Tadashi presenting, but his feelings – they’d be here regardless, he knows that much. It just makes the situation a whole lot more complicated.
--
Sometimes, Tadashi will get needy around Kei. It doesn’t happen too often, thankfully, but this is a part of his sometimes moments, of his omega moments.
Apparently, his subconscious decided that Kei is Tadashi’s alpha sometime around Tadashi’s first heat – which really shouldn’t have been a surprise at all, given the situation. Therefore, though, Tadashi’s inner omega will get needy and want Kei’s touch or just his attention from time to time. He knows that this is stupid. Kei sometimes outright cuddles Tadashi in the privacy of their respective rooms, even though he’d never let anyone else touch him this way, and that is so much more than Tadashi even deserves, so the last thing on his mind should be making Kei touch him more, touch him in public. Kei probably wouldn’t do that even if they were mated – which they aren’t and won’t ever be, this is a dangerous thing to think about. Kei also pays more attention to Tadashi than any other person except for maybe Akiteru when Akiteru visits him. And Akiteru is busy enough that he only visits about twice a month, which is a very good reason to get the majority of Kei’s attention whenever he does visit.
Logically, there is no reason for Tadashi to feel this way, to want Kei’s touch and attention this badly, when he already gets so much.
This part of him, though, the part that burns even at the thought of Kei, isn’t logical. It’s never been logical. He remembers desperately needing Kei’s attention and affection even when he was a little kid, so it probably shouldn’t surprise him that growing up and presenting prompted him to be downright needy and starved for Kei.
It still annoys him to no end.
Today it’s actually worse than it usually is; Tadashi hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the previous evening and the way Kei so casually hooked his chin over Tadashi’s shoulder, the side of his face pressed directly into Tadashi’s scent glands, and about how Kei actually ended up manhandling Tadashi so he was sat between Kei’s legs, leaning back into him. They watched the documentary like this, Kei’s chin hooked over Tadashi’s shoulder the entire time, and by the point it was time for Kei to go home, Tadashi had felt flustered and hot and shaky all over.
He watches Kei now, silently eating his lunch across from Tadashi, and wants nothing more than to press right into him. He probably smells like he’s Kei’s from all their touching yesterday, and the thought makes something hot uncurl in his stomach. God, he hopes he smells like he’s Kei’s. He knows Kei smells like he’s Tadashi’s today, because he keeps getting little wafts of scent, both of their scents mingled, Tadashi’s scent clinging especially strong to Kei's face. Tadashi’s knees have been feeling like jelly since he first noticed it, and he stupidly wishes for every single omega in their school to try and catch Kei’s scent today just so that they’ll jot Kei down as taken.
Tadashi knows that's wrong of him – Kei is his best friend, his best friend who’s single and definitely not interested in Tadashi in this way. Kei would have every right to be disgusted if he found out what kind of thoughts Tadashi has about him.
But Tadashi feels stupidly possessive and entirely too smitten, and he can’t stop.
His thoughts – and their quiet lunchbreak – get interrupted when Yachi suddenly barrels into the room and stops in front of Kei’s and Tadashi’s secluded table.
“I-i need to talk to Y-yamaguchi-kun,” she says determinedly, even though she’s shaking and red-faced and looks to be three seconds from fainting.
Kei harrumphs discontentedly. “We're having lunch,” he says without even looking up. Yachi curls in on herself.
“Is everything okay, Yachi-san?” Tadashi asks.
He’s a little concerned; ambushing him like this, when he’s on his lunch break with Kei, is very out of character for Yachi. He knows for a fact that she’s still a little bit terrified of Kei, even though she’s known him for a little of over a year by now and seems to have become quite fond of him. Then again, he’s pretty sure the majority of the volleyball team is still at least somewhat uncomfortable around Kei.
On one hand, this frustrates Tadashi a little bit, because Kei deserves that people recognize how amazing he is, that they get past being uncomfortable so they can clearly see all the positive parts of him. On the other hand, however, he is a little glad if Kei comes off as somewhat intimidating, because it will hopefully keep other omegas from making a move on Tadashi’s alpha. Tadashi knows this is an ugly side of him. He knows that.
“I-it’s about o-omega stuff, actually,” Yachi says, quietly, and blushes even more. Tadashi had not known that it was anatomically possible for someone to become this red.
He wonders what, exactly, this is about; he can’t imagine Yachi wanting to talk about heats with him, and he isn’t the most knowledgeable about ‘omega stuff’ in general. Then again, there really isn’t someone good to talk to on the volleyball team anymore, not since Sugawara has graduated. So if she doesn’t want to talk about it with her parents – which would probably be uncomfortable, he reckons, and that’s not even considering her mother, who she lives with, is an alpha and probably doesn’t have the answers Yachi is looking for – or the girls in her class, her options are limited. Limited to him, Hinata and Nishinoya, to be exact, and he wouldn’t go to those two for advice on this topic either.
So, he gets up and catches Kei’s eyes for a second.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly to Kei. Kei frowns slightly but shrugs his shoulders. He knows as well as Tadashi does that this fight was lost the moment Yachi came into the room. The entire team would drop everything at a moment’s notice to help Yachi, and Tadashi is no exception, even if his body is still screaming at him to get closer to Kei. But his body has been screaming that since he woke up, and he can still feel needy for Kei after he’s done trying to give advice to Yachi, so he follows Yachi, who’s now apologizing profusely, out of the room.
They find a quiet corner out in the yard.
“I’m sorry,” Yachi says again, “but I didn't know who else to talk to and. Uhm.”
“It’s okay,” he reassures her. “What is it?”
“Th-this is embarrassing, uhm,” she stammers, “but uhm–”
Tadashi is looking at her expectantly. Yachi's shoulders are hunched up, and she's still beet-red.
“How do you deal with Tsukishima being around other omegas?” she blurts out. Tadashi blinks at her.
“Are you asking me about jealousy?” he asks before his brain catches up and he realizes that this means Yachi knows. She knows. Tadashi probably shouldn’t be surprised by the fact his feelings for Kei aren’t subtle, but the thought terrifies him nonetheless. He’d genuinely thought he was doing a good job of keeping them under wraps, disguising them to be overabundant amounts of platonic love for his oldest childhood friend –
“It’s just ... I only ever see Kiyoko on the weekends, and her university roommate is this really pretty omega girl, and I know it’s stupid, but everything between us is still so fresh and wh-what if she suddenly decides she wants someone she can see m-more often or someone older and she hasn’t texted me all day, which isn’t even a big thing but my mind is going a mile a minute, and–” Yachi stills and looks at the ground.
Tadashi stares at her, trying to sort out his thoughts and thinking of how to reassure her best, but before he’s able to say anything, she’s already continuing.
“A-and I know you see Tsukishima-san every d-day but there are always so many capable omegas around a-and I know it’s not the same because he would d-definitely never leave you, b-but I didn't know who else to ask?”
Tadashi is still staring. His brain feels like it’s gone completely blank. What the fuck is going on.
“Yachi-san ... you - you know Tsukki and I aren’t an item, right?” he says slowly. He feels like his thoughts are underwater, they’re slow and muddled. He is so confused, and suddenly he can’t stop thinking about the fact that he and Kei apparently look like a couple to Yachi, and about how badly he wants this, wants them to be an item, and how much he’s still longing for Kei’s touch. He feels very, very tired.
“You – what?” Yachi is now the one staring. There’s an expression of open confusion on her face. “What do you mean you’re not – but you always smell like each other? And–” she stops, shaking her head, her nose scrunching up. Tadashi has a brief moment where he’s just impressed – if they’d had the same conversation a year ago, she probably would have immediately started apologising for assuming things. She probably would have started crying too. Right now, she seems to be too confused to feel embarrassed.
Tadashi, however, definitely feels embarrassed. Even downright humiliated. He feels like he might cry any second now.
“It’s – we’re just good friends, we’re close. He – he definitely doesn’t feel that way about me.” Halfway through the second sentence, his voice cracks. That probably was as good as an admission of my feelings, he thinks miserably. Well. In for a penny, in for a pound.
“As for your question – I don’t really … deal with it. Or at least not very well. I usually just don’t … allow myself to think about it until I’m alone. But I’m sure you have nothing to worry about, Yachi-san. Shimizu-senpai definitely loves you.” He tries offering her a reassuring smile. He's probably failing on all cylinders since his brain is still feeling both too muddy and too frantic at the same time, but it's worth a try. Yachi is still staring.
The lunch bell rings and Yachi shakes herself out of her confused stupor.
“We need to head back. See you, Yachi-san,” he says, using the opportunity to escape before she can say anything else. He's not sure he wants to hear her ever say anything again on this topic, as much as he’d like to help her with her no doubt baseless self-doubts.
Yachi-san thought Tsukki and I were a couple, he thinks, a little desperately. He wants, so, so badly, and his body hurts. His throat feels closed up and his eyes burn. The part of his neck where a mating bite would sit is throbbing painfully, reminding him of how empty it is, and Tadashi feels a bone-deep exhaustion. He hasn’t left school early because of sickness in a really long time, and he’s never faked an illness in his life, but if he looks half as bad as he’s feeling, he thinks he might not even have to play up an illness to be allowed to go home. It doesn’t feel like the worst idea in the world.
Kei will definitely know something’s up if he does that, though, because Tadashi was fine this morning, was fine right until his conversation with Yachi, and Tadashi isn’t willing to answer Kei’s questions.
He just hopes he can get through the rest of the day without Kei asking about said conversation. Normally, he’d think the chances are pretty high, but if he doesn’t manage to pull himself together, Kei will definitely notice that something’s wrong and ask.
Thinking about how well Kei always seems to take care of him, how well he knows Tadashi, makes him want to cry even more. Kei treats him so well, and he’d be so good for him as an alpha, just everything Tadashi could ever need, but he’s not. He’s not Tadashi’s alpha. He’s just a friend. His best friend, who doesn’t deserve to have Tadashi burden years of friendship with his feelings. Tadashi feels desperate, and desperately off-kilter. Yachi’s words have thrown everything he tries so hard to keep under control right to the forefront of his mind, and he wants and wants and wants.
--
Tadashi does a good job of keeping it together all the way through school and practice. Sure, he’s not at his best, but it’s not bad enough for anyone to inquire about it. Yachi keeps sending him worried glances all throughout practice, but he just ignores her and also avoids any possibility of her roping him into another conversation by avoiding her. It’s probably not the most dignified course of action, but it works.
He even keeps it together all the way to Kei’s house. They’re set to watch part two of the documentary today. Even if they weren’t, Kei would probably still expect him to come over, to work on homework together or something. They hang out on most days, their careful routine of following each other home only interrupted on the days Tadashi works on his float-serve with Shimada-senpai.
All of his careful ‘keeping it together’ comes to an end as soon as they step into Kei’s room. They unceremoniously dump their backpacks on the floor and Kei takes one look at Tadashi and steps into his space, immediately wrapping his long arms around him, pressing him into Kei’s chest. He’s soft and reassuring in a way that most people would never think him capable of being.
Maybe Tadashi hadn’t done a good job of keeping it together after all, if Kei figured out that something’s wrong this quickly.
Tadashi starts crying.
He doesn’t intend to, he really, really doesn’t, but it’s like he doesn’t have a choice. As soon as he feels Kei’s arms wrap around him, making him feel secure and safe and giving him all that contact and reassurance he’s needed the entire day, the dam breaks. Tadashi presses his face into Kei’s neck and starts bawling, his own hands desperately gripping the back of Kei’s shirt.
Kei makes low, calming noises, and simply manhandles Tadashi until they’re sat on Kei’s bed, Kei’s back pressed against the wall, Tadashi sat in his lap, his face still tucked into Kei’s neck.
Kei’s big hands start softly stroking Tadashi’s back, and Tadashi lets out a particularly loud sob.
He feels so stupid. This is what he’s craved all day, so, so badly, but he can’t stop thinking about Yachi’s conversation, and gods, it’s just not enough. It’s probably never been enough. Kei is perfect, in every single way, but Tadashi wants so much more than this. He needs more than this. It’s not even about his heats or anything sexual, at all – as much as his inner omega craves that, Tadashi would be fine having just this for the rest of their lives, if only this meant to Kei what it does to Tadashi. If it meant that Tadashi was Kei’s, his omega, the only one who ever gets to be this close. The idea of Kei someday finding someone he actually wants to claim and spend his life with makes Tadashi wail on the inside, and he presses even closer.
He’s so, so stupid. How is he supposed to be okay, how is he supposed to live his life, when he knows what it feels like to be held by Kei, to be the centre of his attention? How is he supposed to learn to let go of this?
Yachi thought they were dating. One day a pretty petite omega will come along, someone a lot more graceful and more capable than Tadashi, and they will win Kei’s heart, and they will see Tadashi moon all over Kei and leave his scent everywhere it doesn’t belong, and Tadashi will have to stop, be forced to stop, and left with nothing.
He doesn’t even notice he has started frantically rubbing his face into the scent glands on Kei’s neck, all the while still crying, until he hears Kei’s voice.
“Yamaguchi – Yams, what’s going on?” Kei’s voice sounds a little bit distressed, which is fair, given the fact Tadashi has been emptying what feels like every single drop of water his body contains into his neck and also started scenting him. He immediately stops doing it as soon as he becomes aware of what he’s doing, going completely still.
“Yamaguchi,” Kei tries again, his voice still sounding a little distressed, and the sound of Kei, of his alpha, being distressed because of him, upsets the part of Tadashi that’s distinctly omega so much he lets out a high-pitched whine, which he immediately feels completely humiliated about.
“Talk to me, Yams, tell me what’s going on,” Kei says again, and Tadashi sobs and shakes his head. He can’t, he can’t. If he tells Kei now, Kei will push him away, and that will be that. He might be nice about it, but he’ll definitely put some more distance between them, make sure they don’t smell like each other anymore. He might even stop talking to Tadashi entirely as soon as he realises how much Tadashi has been abusing the situation, abusing Kei’s willingness to provide proximity.
“Please,” Kei says, and the bottom drops out of Tadashi’s stomach. Kei never says please, not when he’s being earnest. In the entire time Tadashi has known him, Tadashi has not heard him even utter one single, honest please without being forced. And he is being earnest right now. There’s nothing mocking about this word, just sincerity, and Tadashi wants to scream.
You did this, his mind says accusingly, you’re upsetting him so much he’s begging. Tadashi feels completely broken, and his inner omega is screaming at him to comply with Kei’s request.
“Please,” Kei says again, “Tadashi.” And that does him in. Kei is using his given name.
“Tsukki, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobs. He’s not sure how to explain this situation to Kei. He doesn’t want to explain this situation to Kei. He knows he needs to, but he doesn’t want to.
“Hey, shh, it’s okay,” Kei says gently, way too gently, and Tadashi fervently shakes his head. His face is still pressed into Kei’s neck.
“But it’s not okay,” he says. “Nothing is okay. Tuskki, I – I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, shh,” Kei makes again. He is being so gentle. He’s only like this when he’s with Tadashi, when they’re alone.
Tadashi is pretty sure most people would simply not believe him if he told them Kei can be like this. But he can, he can, and he is, just for Tadashi, and Tadashi doesn’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve him, and he’s terrified of actually voicing what’s going on, but he still wants him, so, so badly. If they’re going to have this conversation, Tadashi should probably put some distance between them, so that at least Kei won’t have to physically push him away, but he can’t. He can’t.
“Is this about what you and Yachi talked about today? You’ve been off ever since,” Kei says. Tadashi knew that he couldn’t keep this from him. He hates that Kei knows him so well. He loves that Kei knows him so well. He hates that he loves it and he still doesn’t want to talk to Kei about any of this.
He settles on mumbling a “yes” into Kei’s skin.
“What did you talk about?” Kei asks softly. Kei hates inquiring about things, and Kei usually doesn’t care what Tadashi is talking to anyone else about. But he’s still asking, and he seriously wants to know, because he cares about Tadashi. It’s too much.
“Omega stuff,” he says quietly. And then, because it seems like he’ll be doing this today, and he might as well rip the band-aid off: “She asked me for relationship advice. She – she thought that w-we were a c-couple.” His voice is shaking. His entire body has started shaking. He wasn’t even shaking this badly when he was subbed in to serve against Aoba Johsai.
Kei goes very, very still.
“You’re upset because … she thought we were a couple,” Kei says quietly, and there’s something unrecognisable in his voice, something that makes Tadashi want to curl up into a ball, build a giant comfort nest and never come out. He doesn’t know what to do with Kei’s tone of voice.
For a moment, he thinks of leaving the conversation there – saying ‘the thought of being together with you upset me just too much’. But not only would that be a bold-faced lie, it would probably also just not be very believable. Tadashi isn’t a good liar, and he certainly can’t justify aggressively scent-marking Kei during a break-down over being upset someone would dare insinuate they are a couple. He’s not sure anyone could play that off believably.
“I’m upset because I wanted it to be true,” he whispers instead. Kei is still very, very still beneath him. It seems like he’s stopped breathing altogether. Any moment now he will push Tadashi off him, and Tadashi will be able to watch their friendship fall to ruin through teary eyes. He presses his eyes shut and waits.
The moment doesn’t come, though.
Instead, Kei strengthens his hold on him with full force.
“Tadashi,” he says, “Tadashi.” He’s saying Tadashi’s given name, and he sounds breathless.
“Tadashi, look at me, please,” he says, and unwinds his arms so that one of his hands can grip Tadashi’s shoulder and the other his cheek, push him away just a little bit so he can tilt Tadashi’s face up to look at Kei through a very blurry vision.
That’s his second earnest please ever, in one night, Tadashi thinks a bit dumbly. He’s not sure he understands what’s going on. There’s hope blossoming in his chest, but this can’t be – this can’t be.
“Tadashi you have to know – I can’t believe you don’t know,” Kei says, a little helplessly. Tadashi’s mind is still fuzzy. “Tadashi, you know I’m in love with you, right?” The look in Kei’s eyes is sincere, so very sincere, and Tadashi’s entire world stops.
This can’t be right. Something is not right. This can’t – this can’t be. Because Kei is Kei, he is tall and strong and graceful and so, so smart, he is snarky and an asshole but also kind and soft, he’s cautious and scarred but with so much passion inside him that’s ready to burn, when he lets it, and Tadashi is just, is just –
“But I’m just me,” he says, and his entire body is still shaking.
“Exactly,” Kei says. “You’re you.”
Tadashi stares up at him, through blurry eyes, and he feels helpless, helpless, helpless, and so in love.
Kei’s thumb strokes Tadashi’s cheek gently, and Tadashi starts crying again, but it’s the good kind of tears, this time.