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Dahlia’s declared dead.
Iris doesn’t believe it. Dahlia? Strong, smart Dahlia? That’s insane, Dahlia could never lose. And to a river of all things? The idea is almost funny.
Iris isn’t able to reach Dahlia. She won’t answer her phone, and from what Iris has searched, she’s nowhere near Hazakura Temple, where she was presumably killed. Dahlia’s always been an expert problem solver. She’ll have found a way out of that river, Iris believes in her. And well...Iris imagines Dahlia doesn’t want to talk to her, not after what she did.
Iris had wanted to return to training as soon as possible, but Sister Bikini wouldn’t let her. Something about needing time to mourn. Iris thought the other acolytes would vouch for her, but they all just stared at Iris with painfully solemn looks. Iris pleaded with her to let her train, but Sister Bikini hadn’t budged.
“You need to accept the truth dear. Until then, training will only serve as a distraction. Take some time off, you need it.”
Iris doesn’t understand. What would she need time off for? Dahlia isn’t dead, she’s just missing. Iris can remember their games of hide and seek, Dahlia was always like a ghost magician. Iris could never find her, not even once. Dahlia was probably just in hiding now. After all, her plan wouldn’t work if the world knew Dahlia Hawthorne was alive and well.
That biting at Iris’ heart is probably just the winter cold.
She is shivering. Not for the first time, she wonders why she’s here and not Dahlia, the one who deserved it so much more. Dahlia was always so much better than Iris in the cold. After all, Dahlia practically lived in those ice cold waterfalls back at Kurain Village. Iris never got a chance to swim with her in those waterfalls, or any body of water back home for that matter.
Dahlia would never let her.
Iris has gotten used to the feeling of water in her lungs, but not the act of expelling said water. It’s strange, just a moment ago, she felt perfectly fine as water filled her lungs. Perfectly at peace as the light was fading away. It only ever hurts after Dahlia pulls her from the water.
“Iris, how many times have I told you not to swim in that river?” It’s not really a question, Dahlia never asks questions, just biting rhetoricals. Iris wonders why Dahlia even cares.
“Six times...?” She’s unsure, she’s too busy coughing her lungs out to really care.
“Six times. Six times! You’re unbelievable!” Iris can’t help but cringe; Dahlia’s scary when she’s mad, “I don’t get it, why can’t you just listen for once!?”
“But...you always look so lonely in there. I can’t just leave you to swim alone, right?” Dahlia stares with a raised eyebrow. Iris bites her lip, “Besides, swimming makes me happy too.”
“What? You can’t swim!”
“I know.” She feels oddly at peace saying that. It scares her.
Dahlia’s eyes widen and Iris knows she’s in trouble. She can’t help but look away as Dahlia stares into her with a look of...something. If she didn’t know any better, she’d say Dahlia looked mortified.
“Look just...” Dahlia sounds distraught; Iris regrets saying anything, “Don’t...don’t do it again...please...”
So Iris never did.
It’s been too long. Iris is getting worried.
Winter’s long passed; she’s still shivering. Something’s wrong, awfully wrong. The doubt is creeping in; it’s getting harder to ignore by the day. There’s a hollow, unpleasant feeling sitting in her gut. Iris feels sick.
Iris calls again. She tells herself, “This is the one. She’ll pick up this time.” No answer. Iris wants to be surprised, she isn’t.
Worry is settling in again; it’s driving Iris mad. She doesn’t get it. Why can’t Dahlia just pick up? Yes, Iris doesn’t deserve her sister after what she did, but all she wants is a sign, a word, anything-
“Iris dear, is something wrong?” Iris doesn’t know when she began speaking out loud, but the pity on Sister Bikini’s face shows how much she did hear.
“S-sorry Sister Bikini...I was just...” She has no excuse. Iris has never been any good at lying.
“You weren’t trying to reach-”
“Dahlia? Yes. I was.” Iris has gotten sick of the pity and the urges to move on. She’s not stupid, she knows what they’re saying. But they have to be wrong, they can’t be right, it’s impossible.
Sister Bikini sighs and Iris knows what’s coming, “Iris, I know you love your sister very much. I understand it’s hard to accept but-”
“Accept what? That she drowned in Eagle River and her body is rotting in there?” Iris feels hot, uncomfortably hot. She hates this, she hates all of this. “That she’s gone and I’ll never see her again?”
“That’s not what I-”
“Then what did you mean!?” Iris snaps, her voice beginning to crack. She’s trembling...but why? Dahlia’s alive! She’s just missing, she’s just...
“You can’t keep thinking about her Iris. You’ve got to let go eventually.” That pitying expression is only making Iris feel worse and worse.
“Stop saying that like she’s dead! She’s not! She can’t be!” She’s making a scene; she doesn’t care anymore. She just wants everyone to leave her alone. She wants everyone to stop tearing the wound open further.
“Iris-”
The world goes red for a moment and suddenly Sister Bikini is on the floor, her back popping as she slams down with a thud. All the uncomfortable heat is gone; all that’s left is the looming cold.
Everything goes silent. Iris tries to speak, but she can’t. Not without breaking completely. So she does the only thing she can think of.
She runs away.
The night is subarctic, wet and dreary winter nights still haunting the mountain even in summer. It reminds Iris of the night Dahlia disappeared. It’s just as cold, and just as wet. Iris can’t help but run faster.
Only when she reaches Dusky Bridge does Iris finally collapse, cold night air stabbing through her, as if she isn’t in enough pain already. Iris chuckles sadly, all sorts of thoughts swirling in her head and making her dizzy. She’s tired, she’s cold...she’s defeated.
That hollow space has moved into her heart; gazing into that river is only making it feel all the more worse. The thoughts surge in her mind and Iris clenches her fists, not noticing when her nails break skin. She can’t deal with all the pity, the denial, the anger. It’s all too much. Iris just wants her sister back.
Iris picks up the public phone and dials. She knows no one will be there, but she still holds onto her hope, if only for a little longer.
“Dahlia...Dahlia are you there...?” She speaks cautiously, aware of just how much her voice is wavering. “Maybe we can swap places again...? Like the good old days? Have me going missing instead? That’d be so much better, wouldn’t it...”
No answer.
She slams the phone back onto the receiver and takes a heavy gasp. Tears brim at her eyes, and she forces them back, gripping her hood so tightly the blood drains from her hands. Iris can’t keep this up anymore. It can’t be, Dahlia can’t lose.
She can’t accept it. She just can’t. If she does then...then...
“You’re...you’re going to jump off the bridge!?”
Iris likes to think she is a calm person. After all, what did yelling accomplish other than hurting people? But right now, Iris couldn’t care less about that. Not after what her sister had just admitted to.
“Well, it’s the only way to get him accused of murder, isn’t it?” Dahlia’s voice quivers, but she seems strangely calm. It’s concerning, very concerning. Iris remembers this kind of calmness, she’s scared.
“So you’re going to jump into a river 40 feet below the bridge in freezing cold conditions, and you expect to live!?” Iris faintly recalls when Dahlia would scream at Iris for trying to swim with her, knowing she would drown. She feels a horrible sense of déjà vu.
“You know I’m a good swimmer Iris.” Dahlia’s voice is light and emotionless, verging on ethereal. Iris feels beyond sick.
“That’s not the point! You know the amount of lives that river has claimed! You can’t expect to just swim through it! It’s suicide!” Dahlia‘s dead silent; Iris is panicking, “Please say something! Anything!”
“There’s no other way.” The whisper is almost inaudible, “I have to do this Iris. I’m sorry.”
She sounds tired, cold...defeated.
“Then...then let me help!”
“What?” For the first time, Dahlia seems surprised.
“I said let me help! We’re identical, remember? We can make a switch, I can buy you more time to escape, you won’t have to risk your life!” It’s a terrible idea, it’s against everything Iris stands for, but Iris is desperate.
“But...if the nuns found out-”
“I don’t care. If that’s what it’ll take to keep you from killing yourself, that’s what I’ll do.” Tears burn at Iris’ eyes, she’s never felt so terrified before. “Please Dahlia, please let me help you.”
The silence returns, the same deathly calm silence that makes her squirm. For a moment, Iris worries that Dahlia has left the receiver. That’s when she hears it, the quiet sound of a choked sob. It’s in this moment that Iris understands everything.
Dahlia hates talking about her feelings. She claims that talking about them is useless, it doesn’t help anyone, and it certainly doesn’t help her. Iris has always disagreed, because right now she can feel the pain from her other half, and Iris will do anything to make it go away.
Iris can save her-no, she will save her. They’ll get through this, they always have, they always will.
“It’s okay, it’ll be okay.” The rest of the call is filled with Iris’ comforting words and Dahlia’s tears.
Iris promised to help her. That was the only thing she had on her mind. Dahlia; nothing else. But when the moment of truth came, she abandoned her. Iris got scared and ran away. Iris can’t run away anymore. She’s caught in the truth, and there’s no denying what she did anymore.
She killed Dahlia.
It starts with a sob. A single sob that breaks out of Iris’ throat. She chokes on it, and suddenly she’s coughing violently. It hurts. She gasps for breath, and slowly fills her lungs with bitter, frozen air. Her breathing is shaky, shaky like the bridge she is on, shaky like the bridge Dahlia jumped-
The tears burst forth and the months of guilt come flooding out. Iris sobs and wails; deep, dark pain stabbing at her with every sob. The night grows colder around her. Black spots fill her vision, she can’t breath, she can only sob louder and louder. She fills the empty feeling with pain and misery, because now Iris is alone. Alone and a failure. A pathetic, worthless, traitorous failure.
It’s funny, it’s really funny. She feels a chuckle in the back of her throat. The broken sobs turn into laughter. Loud giant chortles of laughter. Iris chuckles brokenly and the tears keep coming. She feels elated as the bridge creaks and groans beneath her. She needs to atone, atone for sororicide, for killing her own sister.
“There’s no other way.” Iris whispers, her voice hoarse and giddy from laughter, “I have to do this Dahlia. I’m sorry.”
Iris remembers the sensation of drowning vividly. She remembers the initial hurt she felt for what she was doing to everyone, which soon faded away and left her feeling light and sleepy. She remembers the true pain of being pulled back into the harshness of life. She remembers wanting the darkness to reach her before Dahlia could. If it had, everything would’ve been so much better, for everyone.
As the water swallows her now, Iris thinks it is indeed much better.