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She’s eight when her life changes. She’s an innocent child, with soft curly blonde hair and big blue eyes. She likes science and math. She likes to read and to explore her neighborhood and the trees and plants and animals that live there.
But she’s ‘weird’ and the kids at her school don’t like that. So she plays alone and doesn’t talk to many people.
She doesn’t really mind.
Her mother picks her up late from school one day, she had stayed late for a club meeting and they talk for a while until Jillian is tired so she leans her head against the window and she watches the clouds go by.
It was beautiful, the sky filled with pink, blue, purple, and orange all swirled into one magical painting.
She’s not sure what happened, one moment she was riding along happily in the backseat, her mom in the front. Then her mom screamed and the car stopped .
The other car seemingly came out of nowhere.
They smashed.
It spun and her head did too.
Then everything went black.
~
Her eyes open again and she’s sitting on the floor, her legs criss-crossed under her.
She looks up and finds a girl, maybe her age, maybe a little older sitting in front of her. The girl has long brown hair and blue eyes. She’s wearing a pink shirt with a small blue butterfly on it and tan cargo like pants. Jillian likes them.
The girl looks at her expectantly. “Well?”
Jillian hesitates, “What?”
“What’s your name?” The girl asks, her voice strong and bold.
Jillian’s voice is small and quiet. “Jillian. What’s your name?”
“I’m Erin,” The girl replies.
“What happened?” Jillian questions, “Why am I here?”
The girl, Erin, suddenly looks shy. “I wanted a friend.”
Jillian doesn’t quite understand, but she doesn’t push it.
“Okay, I’ll be your friend. What d’you wanna do?” Jillian questions, her face scrunching into a small smile.
Erin scrunches her nose too. Jillian thinks it looks cute, she giggles.
“What?” Erin’s nose scrunches up even further.
It makes Jillian laugh. “Your nose. It’s funny.”
“Hey!” Erin exclaims, her hand coming up to cover her nose. Jillian sees Erin’s eyes fall and she realizes her mistake.
“No, no. It’s cool, I like it, really!” Jillian explains while her hand comes up to push Erin’s hand away from her nose.
“Oh, uh, thank you.” Erin smiles proudly and scrunches her nose again. They both giggle this time.
“So, do you wanna play or something?” Jillian asks, she looks around the room. The walls are pink and there are shelves covered with toys and dolls and little miniature characters and houses.
“Yeah okay, we can play with my dolls.”
Jillian’s never played with dolls before. She normally reads or climbs trees.
“Okay let’s play. You’re gonna hav’ta teach me cause I haven’t really played with dolls before.”
“What?” Erin practically yells, “How?”
“I dunno, just never have.” Jillian pressed her lips together.
Erin softens, “That’s okay, I’ll teach you.”
“Okay,” Jillian smiles.
“So we're just gonna pretend and make them into different people, like this one is Rachel and she’s brave and she goes to middle school. Your turn.”
“This is… Annabelle, and she” Jillian pauses, “She likes science .” Erin smiles at that.
Jillian adds “And math.”
Erin’s nose scrunches at that.
“Okay so we can take them through a day at school. Come over here, we have a school room.” Erin grins.
They play and they laugh when ‘Annabelle’ says funny things and they fake rebelling against the teachers, something they both agreed they’d never do in real life.
Jillian feels happy. She connects with Erin, she wants to be friends forever.
They take the dolls home and get ready for bed.
“Rachel doesn’t like to go to sleep.” Erin says.
“Why?”
“She sees ghosts when she's asleep.” Erin whispers.
“Oh that’s so cool.” Jillian’s eyes go wide, “I wanna see a ghost!”
“No. You don’t.” Erin’s voice is darker, more serious. Her face is pulled tight, her eyes trained out the window of her room.
Jillian catches on.
“Have you seen a ghost?” Jillian asks, eyes wide and face leaning forward in interest.
“Yes,” Erin whispers, one finger goes to her lips as she tells Holtz to be quiet. Her eyes glance around her room. “My mom doesn’t like when I talk about it.”
“What? Why? It's so cool !” Jillian's voice raises again and Erin shushes her.
“She thinks I’m making it up.” Erin’s eyes fall to the carpet that her fingers are picking at. “Everyone does.” She looks up again and catches Jillian’s eyes. “But I promise, I’m not lying. It’s real.” Erin’s voice is strained and her eyes pour into Jillian's, with insecurity and anxiousness.
“I believe you.” Jillian holds her eyes.
“Really?” Erin's face turns up in question.
“Yes. I do.” Jillian says, voice firm and steady.
“You’re not gonna make fun of me?” Erin asks, her voice dropping a little as she does.
“No!” Jillian insisted, “Why would I do that?”
“All the kids at school do. They think I’m lying for attention or sum’” Her voice trails off.
“Well, they suck!” Jillian exclaims, her voice turning loud and forceful.
“ Jillian! ” Erin scolds. “Don’t say that word.”
“It’s not a bad word.”
“My parents don’t like it.”
“Okay, anyway. I believe you, and people are mean. I’m sorry.” Her eyes meet Erin’s.
“It’s okay.” Erin's mouth tugs sideways and her eyes drop to the ground again.
‘No, it’s not, you deserve friends.” Jillian states, “ Good friends.”
“I don’t know.” Her eyes darted around the room, refusing to look at Jillian.
“Yes. Erin, you do. Because you're smart and pretty and nice.”
Erin's cheeks turn red and she grins again, a real smile with tiny crooked teeth and a missing one on her bottom row . “Thank you.”
Holtz’s chest swarms with pride for making her smile.
“I like you” Erin smiles, “You’re a good friend.” She holds her arms out.
Jillian understands. “I like being your friend.” She steps into Erin’s arms, she can feel the warmth reaching out to meet her. As she closes her eyes, about to wrap her arms around Erin, the warmth is gone and then she’s cold.
She blinks.
Her head shoots up and she feels pain. She doesn’t know why.
“Hey, hey it’s okay Jillian.” The words are accompanied by a hand on her arm.
She recognizes the voice as her mother.
Her eyes slowly take it in.
The thin white sheets of a bed that doesn’t belong to her. The long tube connected to her arm. The small room with pale walls and machines hanging off of them. A couple tables and an extra chair in the corner making the room feel small and cramped but lonely at the same time.
She’s not sure she understands what’s going on.
“What happened?” She asks, her voice cutting out on her.
“We were in a car accident. I’m okay. You’re okay.”
Jillian’s eyes fill. She feels emotions hit her chest but can’t identify them.
Her mom’s arms surround her. It soothes some of the pain.
It’s all confusing.
“ Erin? Where is she? ”
“Who is Erin?” Her mother looks confused.
Jillian’s heart sinks.
She’s still confused. Maybe it was a dream.
She doesn’t bring it up again.
~
2016
“Come here often?” Holtz questions the woman who had come to, well, yell at Abby apparently.
She’s not sure she likes her.
The woman turns.
Holtz's chest feels something she hasn’t felt in years. About 30 of them.
It hits her and she’s not sure if the other woman feels it too.
So she extends a hand and introduces herself. “Holtzmann, Jillian Holtzmann.”
The woman’s face drops.
“Um… I’m Erin. Gilbert.”
Holtz’s eyes pool and her heart pounds and skips. Her brain is hazy and she’s not sure.
“You’re Erin? ” She whispers the name, sacred and holy and the name she thought she had dreamt up so many years ago.
The name that she spent so many nights thinking about. So many nights wondering and remembering and hoping.
“Yeah…” Erin lets out a small laugh. Her eyes soften and she smiles so wide Holtz thinks her face might break.
Holtz’s hand reaches out on its own accord.
“Can I?”
Erin nods her head and Holtz places the hand on her shoulder and shifts closer, she lets her body talk. It drifts closer and closer.
She lets her eyes search the face before her. Familiar but so different.
30 years does a lot. Her eyes look the same, her nose exactly as cute as it was three decades ago, maybe more.
Her skin is different, older. It’s beautiful, dusted with light freckles and with scattered laugh lines.
Her lips are pink and full.
Gorgeous.
She looks until she hears Erin’s breathing change, and she looks up and finds tears in her eyes.
“I wasn’t sure you were real” Erin breathes out, Holtz can feel the air on her face.
“I’m real,” Holtz replies in a quiet voice. “ You’re real.”
“Can I... “ Erin hesitates, her eyes dropping to take in the body in front of her. “hug you?”
Holtz lets out another heavy breath “Yes.” Her body inches closer. “Please.”
Erin’s arms fall around her shoulders and squeeze tightly, Holtz holds her back just as tightly, her arms wrapping around her waist.
Her chin rests on Erin’s shoulder and she tucks into her neck, it’s warm and it feels like home. Like she was meant to fit there, like she never got the hug thirty years ago because it would’ve been too right and she couldn’t have let go.
So now she doesn’t, she holds tight and their bodies sway and it’s so perfect.
She’s not sure how long they stand. But eventually Erin pulls away, letting her hands remain on Holtz’s shoulders.
“I’m so glad I found you.” Erin smiles, big and wide and bright.
Holtz smiles until she can feel the tug on her lips telling her she's gone too far. “Me too.”