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"Hey, May," Elena said softly, approaching the older agent. She bit her lower lip for a moment, hesitating, and then gently sat down next to her, leaving one empty seat between them. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Melinda looked slowly at the woman with empty eyes. Was she okay, after being stabbed with a sword by an alien? Was she okay after being brought back to life in which she could feel nothing but the feelings of other people? Was she okay, after learning of the next version of the man who died and who she loved for half of her life, and then seeing it getting destroyed again? Was she okay, when the closest person to a daughter she’ll ever have was hurt and she couldn’t be with her when she needed it most?
Was she okay?
"I don’t know," she answered quietly, moving her gaze back at the wall in front of her.
She was tired. Tired of the feelings that weren’t hers but she was forced to feel and the ones she wasn’t able to feel anymore. Coulson said she was getting her emotions back, but he couldn’t be sure of that. He didn’t know her and didn’t know how and what she was suppoused to feel. He died and no robot, no matter how advanced, could replace him. He didn't ask for it, it was true, but she didn't want it either. She didn't want him to die. She didn't want to die herself. She didn't want all these bad things to happen to them but they happened anyway, because life wasn’t a fairy tale. And it wasn't her fault that they both died, that he got replaced by yet another version of himself, and that she lost another part of herself, though she didn't think it was possible. None of them signed up for this, he had no right to put the blame on her. He was a robot, he wasn't real and he didn't really have any rights. He was there only to help them in the mission, nothing more. A machine was just a machine, it didn't make sense to attach to it and lie to themselfs. She did it once, and it didn't work out well for any of them.
And she was right, he was gone again. No matter what they’d do, he was always dying and leaving her alone, each time taking a part of her heart with him. She had mourned him so many times that she wasn't sure if there was even one part left to take. They got stuck in the unbreakable loop and she had no illusions that sooner or later he would come back once more, only to leave again. And she would die with him every time, because they knew each other too long, went together through too much for her to live and function without him. There was no Melinda May without Phil Coulson, and nothing could change that. They belonged to each other, creating a whole and complementing each other perfectly in every possible way. When one of them was leaving, the other was following close behind.
Wanting or not, feeling things or not, she was only a wreck of a human now. She was supposed to protect them, but there really was no use of her. She couldn't keep them safe. And now, when her daughter was lying unconscious in the healing pod, she couldn't even be with her, because as soon as she saw her, she instinctively reached out to touch her and when she did, she couldn't bear Daisy's overwhelming emotions, because being touched by so many people that day was taking its toll on her and she was just too weak. She was cursed, and it wouldn't bother her so much if it was only her, but her friends and family were suffering because of her. She deserved the pain, they didn't.
She hated that the only emotion she could feel on her own was annoyance at someone who wasn't even human.
She hated that she couldn't be with Daisy and support her, standing by her side. That she couldn’t be a mother for her child.
She hated herself for not being able to really hate anymore.
Melinda twitched, pulling herself out of her thoughts as she felt Elena’s gentle touch on the collar of her blue uniform. The woman's fingers brushed her quickly enough, so thankfully she couldn’t feel anything beside slight concern from her. She looked at her a bit confused, and Elena quickly withdrew her hand.
"Sorry," she said. "But these bruises don’t look well. Jemma should have you checked up."
May shrugged lightly and pulled the collar tighter up so that it covered the darkening bruises in the shape of fingers that the damn chronicom left on her neck. "It’s nothing. Let Simmons take care of Daisy, that’s what’s important now."
"As far as I know, Daisy is already stable. It will take her some more time to recover fully, but she’ll live."
"Good."
"In the meantime I could ask Jemma to check on your…"
"No," Melinda cut her off. "I don’t care about myself, Daisy should be our priority."
"Hey, you can’t not care about yourself," Elena said, frowning. She put her hand closer to her as if she wanted to touch the woman, but she stopped herself at the last moment. "You should be more careful than usual, you have practically returned from the dead. This is not a normal situation, May."
The brunette shrugged again, looking down at the floor. "I’m useless, anyway." Elena shook her head.
"Don’t say that, it’s not true."
"I can’t even hold her hand. I can’t hug her. I can’t worry about her the way I should," Melinda said, feeling completele emptiness in her heart. She was empty.
Elena's face softened a little. She looked sympathetically at the brunette. "That’s why you’re sitting here all alone, am I right?" she asked, though she didn't really need any confirmation. She didn't get it anyway.
May wanted to be able to let Jemma put her to sleep with a sedative, the way she did after seeing the LMD Phil for the first time after waking up in the pod, and forget about all the chaos surrounding them. She was so tired.
She stood up suddenly, making Elena jump slightly in her place. She’s had enough. "Tell Mack that I’m sorry about his parents," she said and left quickly, not giving the agent a chance to answer.
She went to the temporary medical room they had at the moment in search of a biochemist. She needed something strong that would help her fall asleep and not wake up for a long time, cut herself off and rest from the feelings she felt and from those she didn’t. She knew she was being selfish, but she just couldn't help it. She needed a break.
The girl, however, was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was Sousa, who fell asleep in a chair by the healing pod Daisy was layin in. Melinda didn’t know what was happening between these two, she thought that she probably didn’t want to know, but this man saved her daughter and brought her home, and that was all that mattered to her. She was grateful to him for that.
She didn't want to, but some internal force made her turn around and look down at Daisy. The girl's skin was still pale, but the colors were slowly returning to her face. She looked much better than an hour ago, when Sousa run to the plane with her limp body in her arms. Involuntarily, May began to remember all these too many times when she thought she would lose her. She couldn't lose her now. Not when everything fell apart, when their lives turned upside down and she was left with nothing again. The girl lying in this pod was the only thing keeping Melinda alive at that moment. When she’s gone too, she will fall apart completely.
Melinda had let go too many people in her life before. She couldn’t let the girl go this time. Not this girl, who meant to her more than anything in the world.
Feel something, she thought. She would give everything to feel anything that would convince her that she was still human, that she could still be a mother and that she still deserved Daisy's love. A mother should care and worry about her child when they’re hurt, damn it. She couldn't protect her before, so she owed her at least that much. Feel something.
She suppoused that it didn’t work that way.
But it worked in another, she thought again, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat.
Sousa was sitting close enough that she was able to reach him from where she was standing. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and held out her hand towards him. She knew that it was the opposite of what she came here for in the first place, she could feel the overwhelming mental fatigue, but she loved Daisy. And for her loved ones she will do everything, regardless of the price.
As soon as her fingers touched the man's arm, gently not to wake him up, her heart was filled with everything she wanted to feel from the very beginning. She was relieved to welcome pain, fear and concern, feelings that should accompany her since she saw her daughter injured and unconscious. She opened her eyes, unable to hold back the tears any longer. She put her other trembling hand on the glass cover of the pod separating her from the girl and once more looked at her calm face. She didn’t know if the tears she was choking with were Sousa’s or her own, maybe she was beginning to feel her own emotions again after all, but she didn't care. All that mattered was that at least for that brief moment she could be with Daisy.
"I’m sorry," she whispered, using the remaining strength that she had inside her to be able to bear the weight of not her emotions again, just for a few seconds longer. She ran her fingers over the glass as if to stroke the girl's cheek. "I love you, Daisy."
When it was too much, she quickly pulled her hand away from Sousa and put it to her mouth to mute her sobs, and then ran out of the room to get as far away as possible.
She really was cursed.