***********
“Twelve and counting Y/n, you better get moving or you’ll lose.” Clint chuckled nailing another Hydra agent and the helicopter he’d been piloting crashing to the ground below.
Clint was in the opposite building with his trusty bow. He’d started keeping a tally of targets hit over the comms. Anything turned into a competition when he was involved. I remembered him laughing in the comms. I had a great vantage point at the top of that building with my sniper rifle. The building crumbled around me. Glass shattering and raining down on the sidewalk below.
If it wasn’t for Clint and his distraction maybe I would have seen the RPG headed my way. Too busy gawking at Hawk, mouth open readying a snarky comeback when the shrill sound of it racing through the air. It was too late to do anything. The explosion rocked the building a couple of floors below. The rooftop rattled and shook and I lost my balance. My rifle slipped from my grip and clattered to the rock covered rooftop.
Another RPG soared through the skies. There was nowhere else to go. Stay and die or jump and hope Tony or Rhodey would catch me in time. Clint’s voice bellowing in my ear, but the second explosion left a sharp ringing in my head. Bells chiming and clanging inside my head. Like Quasimodo was ringing church bells signaling for Sanctuary.
Wind whipping around my face. Cold harsh air pushing against me as I fell through the sky. I was on a rollercoaster without the car. Part of me was scared shitless, another had moronic faith that one of my team would be there to catch me before I turned into a pancake on the blacktop. My eyes were watering something fierce, too much to keep them open. Internally chastising myself for not wearing the silly goggles Tony had made me. Then again, I didn’t want to see the Earth hurtling towards me.
It felt like the air was getting sucked out of me. It hurt to breathe. Sharp jagged little daggers stabbing my throat each time I opened my mouth. Traveling faster, building up speed. Panic set in. Clint’s deep tone still echoing in my comms but I couldn’t understand a single thing he said. All I could hear was the dull thump of wind swirling around me. It was like being caught up in a vacuum of air. Swirling and twirling thrusting about, pushing me around where ever it wanted me to go.
Gloved hands wrapped under my arms and held tight. Watery eyes and yet I made out the blurry familiar colors. Black, red, and grey. Sam. My body rocked and jolted as he banked left and right out of the hail of bullets. My ears still ringing from the RPG but they made out the muted song of rapid gunfire.
A hard landing as the toes of my boots skidded over the dense roadway. My eyes were screwed up. The tears that escaped long gone. The air had dried them away. It felt like sand pelted my face. Dry and scratchy. My eyes felt itchy. Doubling over, hands resting on my knees gasping for the breath I’d been denied on the fall down. I felt his hand on my back. The subtle comforting sweeping motion.
His touch was so familiar. I felt like I was starved of it. Craving it, needing it like air. Even through the gloves, I felt his warmth. It was like Sam contained the Sun itself. Always comforting and warm. Soothing and somehow relaxing with a simple graze of his palm. A sweep of his thumb across my cheek and I was putty. When he hugged me, gods, when he hugged me it felt like I was soaring. High on love swirling in the gravity that was Sam Wilson, but that was the past.
“Y/n.” He sounded like he was in a tunnel. Echoey and low. Almost as if he was underwater. Damn my ears would be fucked for days.
Heaving, gasping for breath. Trying hard to control the rapid beating in my chest. Breathing in through my nose, exhaling through my mouth. Lightheaded and dizzy. It wasn’t the first time I’d ‘jumped’ off a building before and I doubted it’d ever be my last, but that panic had still set in. What if no one got to me in time? What if no one saw?
Sam’s boots entered my eye line. Massive boots giving off attitude with how they rested against the asphalt. Standing up taking in my surroundings only to find myself in an alleyway. The rumble of the action vibrating through my feet. Sam’s head cocked to the side. His mouth was moving but I hardly heard a peep. Furrowed lines etched in his forehead when I didn’t respond.
His fingers held on gently to my neck. Eyes scanning me like a cheat index for moves on video game night against Bucky. Those large brown eyes darting over my face. His lips moving forming words but there was still nothing but a muffle. He turned my head side to side. His eyes widened behind those goggles. Fingers wiping blood from my ears.
“Shit!” That word clung to his mouth. Sounded out so perfectly. Each letter mouthed out brilliantly.
Sam raised his wrist to his mouth. Lips in rapid-fire movement speaking to someone in his comms. There was worry in his eyes. Concern. Redwing deployed from his back and took off in flight down the alley. There was something about the way he watched me. How he studied my movements, the way I breathed. Even behind the red-tinted goggles, I could see his eyes lingering.
Sam was protective even now. Clenching his jaw, the muscles flexed in a rhythm. There was no hiding the worry that clung to his face. The twitch around his eyes, the tick at the edge of his mouth. He was a terrible liar and he knew it. Sam didn’t bother trying to cover the pain written in his eyes.
He was thinking about the past. Maybe he’d never forgotten like me. How could I? Sam Wilson was embedded in my brain. All those memories floating inside my head like a movie on repeat. Over and over I saw everything. Re-living each moment and my heart thumped. Banged inside its cage wanting to be free again.
My emotions taking over. The closeness of Sam and the adrenaline flowing through me. Leaning up on tips of my boots. My hands draped around his neck hugging him. The look of confusion floating over his face. A blank stare in his eyes. His tongue poking out of his mouth licking his bottom lip. Pulling his lip in his mouth.
I crushed my lips to his. Salty from sweat and chapped from flight. His arms slumped to his sides. My fingers trailing over his chest plate. Lips dancing over his. It took him a minute to respond. Shocked and curious, his mouth parted. A brush of air hit my cheeks.
“Sam.” His name crept out of my mouth.
I felt his hands coming to a stop on my hips. Fingerless gloves tightening their hold. Tender kisses only marred by the scratchiness of his facial hair. Deeper, more forceful. Hungry. The contented rumble in his throat the longer we kissed. He smelled like the forest after a rain. Earthy and fresh.
Desperate and messy, that was how the kiss turned. Needy. Devastatingly needy. Trying in vain to curve into him. All space between us had become non-existent. Sam was smirking, smiling in between kisses. I could have spent hours like this if it hadn’t been for that throbbing.
It started as a numb, dull thump. Swelling into an overbearing rapping in my skull. Pulsing. A beat that slowly came in sync with my heart rate. Little flecks of black dotted my vision. He’d been so clear, so vivid a moment ago. Standing at his full height, smiling that handsome little smirk. Now he was a fuzzy blob. For the second time that day, I felt the air sucked out of my lungs.
Lightheaded and dizzy my head dropped to his chest. My body went limp. It was a struggle to keep my eyes open, I was exhausted. Blinking like crazy, rolling my eyes to fight to keep them open. He stared down in a panic. The weight of my body suddenly on his had him stumbling. Pulling off his goggles. The pain and fear were awash in those shiny orbs. He lowered me to the ground.
Footsteps thundering down the alleyway. The commotion quaking through the ground. He was shouting and yelling. Those eyes so scrunched in distress. I could see his mouth moving, muttered words I couldn’t hear. Felt his palm setting heavily on my cheek. Everything hurt and felt off. My throat was dry and coated in what only felt like a layer of dirt. Sleep. I wanted to sleep, so I closed my eyes.
*********
Sam hovered outside the doorway of Y/n’s hospital room at the Compound. He’d put up a fight to keep her out of a normal hospital. Insisting she’d only leave the moment she woke up. It’d be better for her to wake up in the familiar setting of the med-lab. At least when she snuck out against orders, he knew where he’d find her, locked in her bedroom a couple of buildings over. That’s how she was, defiant and stubborn.
She’d been lucky, luckier than most. Tony and Rhodey hadn’t been anywhere near her as she fell. He’d been flying through at the right time. Caught the sight of her taking a swan dive off the top of the building. Narrowly avoiding shrapnel of the building crumbling around her. Clint’s screams still echoing in his mind. Yelling for an air rescue. 'Agent falling off the rooftop’.
He hated how close she’d gotten to the ground before he’d finally grabbed her. How close he was to see her die. It rattled him more than he wanted to let on. Leaning in the doorway, arms crossed trying to hide the shaking that wouldn’t stop in his hands. She’d passed out in his arms in that alleyway mumbling his name.
The kiss threw him for a loop. They hadn’t kissed like that in a long time. Not since before the break-up. He missed her. Gods he missed her more than she’d ever know. He hated himself for how things ended. He’d taken Cap’s side and went with him to fight. She wouldn’t take sides in the Accords. Kept telling them all how childish it all was. Told Tony over and over until she was blue in the face that all of it was his fault, so why should the rest of them be punished for his ego.
To everyone else, it was as if Y/n and Sam just stopped being friends. None of them were the wiser that they were dating. Why would they with how secretive they kept the relationship? They wanted something for themselves. A little piece of normalness in their lives. Dates looked like two friends hanging out.
Sports bars watching the game sharing a few beers and some chili cheese fries. Mini golf competitions that got heated and highly competitive. Movies, so many nights off catching up on the latest flicks in the theaters. Basketball tournaments and morning runs that turned into full-blown races forgetting Cap was even running with them.
They had their own secret codes for things they wanted to say in public. Whenever she said ’you’re so stupid’ with a smirk, it was her way of saying ’I love you’.
He’d reply without hesitation, ’well, you’re a pain in my ass’ meaning ’I love you too’.
The hum of the machines she was hooked up to grated on his nerves. He couldn’t understand why she hadn’t woken up yet. The doctors said she’d suffered a concussion, slight damage to her eardrums but nothing that wouldn’t heal. There wasn’t anything else physically wrong with her, but yet she slept. It’d been three days. Three whole days of endless sleep and boundless emotions buzzing through him.
Sam felt like his nerve endings were on fire. Little jolts and shocks shooting through his body each time he looked at her lying in that bed. How could she look so peaceful and helpless at the same time?
He remembered all the times he’d woken up early to sneak out of her room. Sam would smile down at her sleeping form. Y/n’s head nestled on his chest, an arm draped over him. Her breath hot and moist on his skin. Each exhale was a sweet little song. He’d lift his head just enough to watch her sleep. Studying her features.
Running his fingers through those soft tresses and smiling as she’d nuzzle her cheek against him mumbling his name. Her lips would curl up into a tiny smile and her eyelids would flutter open just long enough to peek up at him. Every time she looked at him like that, his heart skipped a beat just as deeply then as the first time he realized he loved her.
“You know it’s creepy to stare at people while their asleep right?” She let out a groggy laugh leaning up on her elbow. Bright but tired eyes darting between his in the dimly lit room.
“You can’t stop me from staring at something this enticing.” Deep laughter rumbled in his chest as his fingers made their way to her sides tickling her.
Y/n jerked and squirmed trying to get away from his hold. The sound of her giggles filling the room. Tears from laughter slipping down her cheeks, her face reddening. She was just as playful as he was, but he wasn’t anywhere near as ticklish as her. Pinning her on her back watching her catching her breath. Messy hair in a tangled mess around her face and pillow.
Sam hovered above her, brushing the hair from her view. He’d never seen anything so stunning as when she was like this. Grinning and carefree, her guard completely down. He saw forever when he looked in her eyes. A two-story house and picket fence with a big backyard. A tire-swing hanging in the biggest tree in the yard. A barbecue pit they spent an entire weekend building themselves.
He saw kids playing in that yard. A rowdy dog that only ever listened to her and a cat that hated him but adored Y/n and the kids. Sunday night dinners with all their family. Stringing up Christmas lights and getting competitive with the other Dads in the suburbs they called home. He wanted Y/n safe and out of the hero’s life. Wanted her to pursue her passion, maybe write that book she was always talking about.
He wanted late-night dances with her in that backyard under the stars while the kids were asleep. A couple of glasses of wine and impassioned conversation until she’d lean her head on his shoulder half asleep. He’d show her romance as often as the moment arose. Never leave the house without telling her he loved her. Always kiss her goodbye. He wanted a forever and she was it.
Looking at her now, he wasn’t sure what he saw anymore but his own broken heart. She was there with Steve breaking them out of the Raft. She’d hardly spoken to him. Went on the run with them to Wakanda, but she couldn’t look him in the eyes without having to leave the room. She hid in Shuri’s lab or on endless runs through the countryside. Trained with the Dora Milaje. She learned what she could from Okoye and Nakia. They quickly nicknamed her 'Fox’ because Y/n was cunning, sly, and fast in what she did.
Too many times to count he’d stop by her room at night in Wakanda, even at the Compound. Paused in front of the door, hand raised to knock, but the sounds her crying shattered every ounce of courage he’d worked up just getting to her door. The pain in her voice, the way she sobbed his name. He didn’t think any amount of apologizing would have fixed what he’d done.
“How long have you two been together?” Steve’s voice made Sam jump. Side glancing he found Steve and Bucky in the middle of the hallway.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sam answered flatly turning his attentions back toward Y/n.
“You don’t have to hide it Sam.” A hint of friendly humor in Steve’s tone.
Sam shook his head trying to keep up his walls but they were crumbling. Three days with little sleep. He felt as if the world was slipping out of his grasp. Everything was spinning out of control. What was the point in keeping the secret anymore? He knew it was only a matter of time before someone saw the footage from his suit or hers.
“Come on Sam, it’s obvious something happened between you two.” Steve patted his shoulder in comfort.
“Y/n will wake up, she’ll be alright,” Bucky spoke quietly and low, but heavy in sentiment, not judgment. "Besides, she’s just as stubborn and annoying as you. She can’t stand not making me fun of me for longer than a few days anyhow.“
Sam let out an empty laugh nodding at the comment. He knew what Bucky was doing. Trying to comfort him in the only way he knew how. As much as Barnes agitated him, he appreciated the attempt none the less.
"For almost a year before the Accords.” Sam couldn’t face either of them. He didn’t want to see the confusion and guilt on their faces when they put two and two together.
“Ooh,” Steve gasped. "Oh… wow… um.“
"It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything.” A heavy sigh and dipped shoulders. Sam appeared so defeated, it was unlike him. "It was my fault. I should have listened to her. She knew all of that was gonna go down. Kept telling me that history was repeating itself, but I…“
"Sam, I doubt…”
“No Steve,” Sam finally turned to face them. Blood-shot red eyes on full display. The worry and fear screaming outloud from his face. "I tried to make her take a side. She kept trying to get me to take a step back and see the whole picture, but I…“
"That’s why she was so distant in Wakanda?” The awe and comprehension thick in Bucky’s voice.
“Yeah.” Nodding his head staring at the tiled floor. "I made one last try to get her to pick a side before the airport, but it… she told me she wouldn’t watch me die. I got mad and said I couldn’t love someone who didn’t have anything faith in me.“
"She’ll forgive you.” Bucky took a step towards Sam, staring him down. A guilty look hung heavy in his face. "Just tell her you’re sorry.“
"It’s not that simple man!” Rubbing his face in his hands letting out a deep sigh.
"I yelled at her. I was never that kind of guy, ever, but I fucking yelled at her!“ Pacing in the doorway, regret and remorse rolling off him in waves. "I still love her, I never stopped loving her, but I screamed… I yelled at her. You should have seen her face man. She was… she was scared of me.”
Sam slid down the doorway landing hard on his ass. Pulling his knees up toward his chest, hanging his head in hands. He was hurting and in pain. Disgusted with himself. All that anger he kept pushing down was bubbling to the surface. He just wanted to go back in time and listen to her. Prevent himself from acting out, from telling her he didn’t love her.
All that raw emotion flooding him. Avoiding the stares of Steve and Bucky, he felt the hot saltiness trailing down his face. Unashamed at how vulnerable he’d become. The heaviness crushing his chest as he broke down. He just wanted her to wake up. To apologize until he couldn’t breathe. It didn’t matter if she ever took him back, Y/n had to know how sorry he was.
“Come on,” Bucky grabbed his arm and pulled him up off the floor. "You need some rest, you won’t do her any good like this.“
"I don’t wanna leave her,” Sam sniffled wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.
“I’ll stay with her,” Bucky clapped his shoulder. "Promise to wake you if anything changes.“ Sam reluctantly agreed, taking one last look at her before Steve dragged him toward the living quarters.
His sleep was restless. Tossing and turning. Dreams of the past turned nightmares. Watching her falling and not being able to save her. Blood everywhere. Coughing and gagging, choking on air as she lay on the ground. Hatred and anger in her eyes.
"Why?!” She coughed.
“I’m sorry,” the words stuck in his throat. Nothing would come out no matter how hard he tried.
He tried reaching out toward her, but her body sunk into the ground. Deeper she sank with each attempt to hold her. The thick scent of fresh dirt filling his nose. Copper and wet earth. Y/n was crying out for help. Yelling for someone, anyone but him.
“I can’t love someone who doesn’t have any faith in me.”
His own voice thundering, drowning out her cries.
“I can’t love someone who doesn’t have any faith in me.”
Louder. His voice rang out louder. Deeper.
“I can’t love someone who doesn’t have any faith in me.”
Raging filled with hatred, it repeated itself.
“I can’t love someone who doesn’t have any faith in me.”
He tried in vain to repel the voice, to stop it. The words, 'I’m sorry’ forming on his lips, but not a sound would leave them. Pounding his fists into the dirt, he opened his mouth letting out a silent scream. Wetness. Droplets of water trickling down drenching his shirt. Tears mingling in the dirt where she’d been a moment before.
Pools of water growing the more he strained to make a noise. His heart thumping, pumping, rattling inside. Pounding like a drum. Harder and harder it smacked against his chest. A tearing and searing pain plagued him. Falling to his knees in the fresh earth only to watch his heart break free. Plopping to the ground beating. He watched as it pumped emptying its contents all over that dirt. Her cries echoing from all sides.
“I loved you!” She wailed. "Why? Why’d you break me?“
Shaking, his whole body quivering, gasping to speak but nothing came out.
*********
"SAM!” Steve stood over Sam trying to shake him awake. "Sam wake up!“
Steve had run from the med-lab to the living quarters. Bursting into Sam’s room to see him struggling in his sleep bellowing out Y/n’s name. Tears stained his face and pillows. The blanket and sheets ripped and torn as he thrashed his body.
"SAM!” Steve yelled loudly rousing Sam from his nightmare swinging landing a punch to his jaw.
Sam jumped out of bed wildly. Eyes scanning his room in a panic only to land on Steve holding his jaw.
“I-I, Steve?” Confusion and exhaustion resting heavily on Sam as he wobbled on his feet.
“It’s fine, but come on.” Steve setting a hand on his shoulder to steady his friend. "She’s awake.“
Racing through the Compound grounds and into the med-lab he could hear her laughter down the hall. A sound he never thought he’d hear again. Her voice calling out to him the closer he got. Rushing into the room, skidding to a halt at the foot of her bed. His heart pounding, pushing itself into his throat. The rest of the team stood around the room smiling down at her as she sat up in her bed.
Y/n cocked her head to the side and squinted her eyes. Sam wasn’t sure what to do, what to say. The smile dropped from her mouth. Hesitation and puzzlement burning in her eyes as she stared at him. Confusion washed over her as he looked to Bucky.
"Who is that Buck?” Her words laced in uncertainty.
“That’s Sam,” Barnes spoke through furrowed brows. "Sam Wilson, you know doll, Falcon. The Winged jackass.“ Y/n shook her head. Eyes full of struggle as they darted around her bed and the room.
"I don’t remember him. Is he one of us?” She questioned softly staring at Bucky.
“No,” the word left Sam’s mouth dripping in anguish. Pacing on the spot, turning in circles. Running his hands over his face. "No, no, no, no. This isn’t fair.“
"Are you alright… Sam?” The sweetness in her tone. The way his name sounded as it left her mouth like it had so many times before.
Sam turned to Steve, utterly broken. His whole world shattered. Any hope of changing the past gone.
“No, I am not alright.” He coughed. "How am I supposed to tell you I’m sorry when you don’t even remember me?!“ He couldn’t look at her. Worried and panicked, he made steps toward the door to leave before he lost his composure.
"I love you,” she smiled. The brazen smirk curling up on the side of her mouth. Muffled laughter from the others not registering with Sam.
“You can’t love someone you can’t remember Y/n.” He was on auto-pilot, responding without thought.
“You’re so stupid,” she chuckled watching him stepping towards the door.
“Yeah well, you’re a pain in my ass,” he replied like he always had.
He stopped in the middle of the doorway standing up straight. Her words finally sinking in. Slowly turning. Furrowed brows. Worry lines etched in his forehead, he glared at her. Catching glimpses of the rest of his team hiding their laughter.
“I love you,” she grinned watching him stalking toward her with squinted eyes.
“That. Was. Not. Funny!” He huffed sitting on the bed beside her.
“Hey,” she laughed pulling his hand in hers, lacing their fingers. "It was Bucky’s idea. He thought it’d be hilarious.“
"Well, it wasn’t. I’ve been going out of my mind and the first thing you wanna do is play an amnesia joke?!”
He wanted to upset, but she was awake. Y/n was smiling and holding his hand. She was looking right at him, inches from his face. His bitterness draining away, filled with anxiety and hope. Sam tightened his grasp on her hand. Reaching out sweeping his thumb across the apple of her cheek. Watching the way she closed her eyes. Felt the vibration of the hum she made through the pad of his fingertip.
“I think we should give these two some space,” Bucky coughed trying to usher everyone out of the room.
Y/n and Sam sat in silence listening to the noise of med-lab. He’d rehearsed in his head what he’d say if he was given the chance for ages, but none of it seemed to want to be remembered. Swallowing hard, sucking in his bottom lip. He coughed nervously trying to will words, any words to come forth in his brain.
“I was mad for the longest time,” she spoke quietly. Her thumb tracing over the underside of his wrist. "Your words, what you said…“
"Baby,” closed his eyes and shook his head. "Y/n, I never should have said that. If anyone ever had faith in me it was always you. I never should have yelled at you.“ His head dipped forward as a sigh left his mouth.
"Things were crazy and spiraling out of control. We were under a lot of stress.” Y/n leaned her forehead to his.
“I’m sorry,” his words small and quiet. "I know you can’t ever love me like that again but you gotta know that I’m sorry.“
"Who said I can’t love you like before?” The incredulous tone in words.
She let go of his hand, cupping his face. Blinking his eyes open, darting them around her face. Misty eyed, tears welling up behind her lashes.
“I was hurt Sam, but I never said I didn’t love you. If anything I thought you stopped loving me, that’s why I thought it best to try and stay away.”
Sam watched in awe as the tears slipped down. The quake in her mouth, the tremble of her lips. All that love and devotion wafting in her eyes as she watched him.
“You still… ” he gulped back his tears. Nodding her head with a tiny smile, he peppered her face with kisses. Pulling her into his chest. Her head tucked under his chin. "I’m sorry baby girl.“
"I know,” she squeezed him tighter. "I’m sorry too.“