Work Text:
二人で歩くには 少しコツがいる
君の歩幅は狭い
出来るだけ時間をかけて 景色を見ておくよ
振り返る君の居る景色を
- 「スノースマイル」 by BUMP OF CHICKEN [lyrics]
It was winter break, and everything still looked the same. Jun scowled as wind blew past him, the frost in the air like needles prickling his cheeks. He had grown up in a place where it always snowed during winter, and didn’t know what to make of the snowless season. It was like never-ending autumn, he supposed, kicking at the leaves on the ground.
His parents had made it clear that they preferred if he stayed in school during break. As most of the other students have gone home, it was eerily quiet in the dorms. He hated it.
At least Sho was around.
His roommate only went home during summer, and always spent winter break in school. This meant that each of them had company, at least, but next term would be Sho’s last, and so he was usually in the room or library, studying. Jun didn’t know for what, exactly. He thought that school breaks were meant to get away from school work, but Sho thought differently.
“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it.”
Jun spun, hearing the words. That voice. It seemed like forever since he had last heard it. “Ohno.”
“I’m still your senior, you know, even if I’m no longer living in that dorm.”
Ohno was living in Jun’s school dorm as Miyazawa-sensei’s assistant, even though he was a college student. He had quit at the end of the last semester, and still haven’t been replaced. Jun thought it was strange, though, that he had managed to avoid Ohno for half a semester despite being in the same dorm, and now that Ohno was back in the college dorms they would come across each other like this.
“Sorry. Ohno-senpai.”
Ohno smiled. “I don’t really mind, actually. Call me what you want. What are you doing here?”
“...nothing in particular.” Jun hated how Ohno made him feel. Like everything was spinning around him and he was losing control and the only thing thing that could anchor him was Ohno.
The older boy nodded, but he wasn’t looking at Jun. He was looking over at the school building, and he asked, “how’s Sho doing?”
We haven’t met in a long time, and you’re asking me about Sho? Swallowing the words he wanted to say, he replied, “he’s... better.” Although Sho wasn’t, not really. He had gotten better at hiding his feelings from others, but Jun knew better than most what it felt like to have one’s heart broken. It’s not something you get over so easily.
Another nod. “And you?”
“Do you really care?” Jun hadn’t wanted to say it out loud, but he couldn’t stop himself. Not when he was remembering, very clearly, a time when he had tried to show Ohno how he felt and was pushed away.
“Jun, of course I care,” Ohno replied, his words sounding dull to Jun. He looked sad, which incensed Jun even more.
“No, you don’t,” Jun said coldly. “And I’d appreciate it if you stop being so nice all the time.” It’s no good, he thought. I can’t hate him. “There’s no need to patronise me just because I have a stupid crush.” He had wanted to finish his words lightly, but his voice trembled a little.
He took a step forwards, and felt a stab of pain when Ohno took a step back. Just a small step, but the meaning was clear to Jun. He continued walking forwards, passing by Ohno, willing himself to go on until he was out of sight.
Aiba stood in front of the school gates, shifting from side to side uneasily. He had had to make a lot of calls to the hotel that Sho’s parents ran, before he got to someone who would tell him the name of Sho’s school. It had taken him longer to save up enough to make the trip. And after all of that, he nearly didn’t make it, because he was too scared of what he might find when he arrived.
What if he hates me? Aiba wondered. I would hate me. He knew that he should have told Sho from the start that he had a girlfriend, and that whatever that was happening between them would have to end with the summer. But things had happened too quickly, and he had gotten too caught up with his feelings for Sho. It was only when he was home again that he realised that the last time he had kissed someone, the first time he had kissed Sho, was his first kiss. Because it didn’t matter how many girls he had kissed, or how many times - none of them had made him feel the way Sho did.
The realisation had come too late, though. He had left Sho, and had written that awful letter that he still remembered, word for word, and it was all too easy to fall back into the routine of his everyday life. If he had wished that Misaki was Sho, if he had felt like he was betraying a precious trust every time he was with her, despite the fact that he had met her first, there was nothing he could do about it.
It was only when he had walked in on Nino and Misaki kissing - it was a tender kiss, if he really thought about it, but the way they had jumped apart from each other was like they thought they were committing a great sin - that Aiba realised that his hesitation to act on his feelings was hurting more than just himself. He had just laughed at his best friend and (soon to be ex) girlfriend, to their astonishment. He knew that Nino had a little crush on Misaki - both of them had asked her out, and she had chosen him over Nino. What he hadn’t known was that Nino’s crush had developed into something stronger, and that Misaki had felt the same way.
“At first I chose you because you seemed cooler, somehow. You’re so popular in school. And it’s easy to get caught up in the relationship when everyone said you’re the ‘golden couple’ at school. But as I get to know the both of you better, I found myself falling for Nino.”
Aiba shook his head, remembering Misaki’s words. The sheer relief he had felt when he heard them made him want to laugh all over again. He had wanted to tell them that they should have been honest with their feelings, that worrying about things like appearances was a dumb thing to do. But then remembered that he had done the same thing. Didn’t he leave Sho behind because of the same reasons Misaki stayed with him?
With that thought, he was determined to find Sho no matter what, if only to explain himself to the other boy. Unfortunately, because he had made sure that they parted without a single clue on how to contact the other, it had been difficult for him to track Sho down. He only had one advantage over Sho; at least he knew where Sho’s family lived.
Now that he was here, though, he wondered if he was making the right decision after all.
Jun walked quickly, trying to breathe as steadily as he could. He had had panic attacks before, after Ohno rejected him, but it was always when Sho or Toma was around. He didn’t know what he would do if he had to deal with it on his own. So he fought the feeling that was welling up within him, his feet speeding up, and trying to slow down his breathing.
He completely walked pass Aiba without noticing the other boy, but Aiba called out to him.
“Hey...”
Jun stopped, and turned. He had never seen the boy before, and from the way he was fidgeting outside the school gates, he guessed the boy wasn’t a student at his school. “What is it?” He knew he sounded irritated, but he just wanted to get it over with, get the whole conversation with this stranger over with, so that he could get back to his room.
“Do you by any chance know a Sakurai Sho?”
It was interesting how Jun’s nerves, that were still tingling in a nervous frenzy from the encounter with Ohno, suddenly stilled. He felt cold all over. “What do you want with him?” he asked warily.
“Oh, you know him, then!” Aiba felt a wave of relief rushing through him. He had got to the right school after all. “My name is Aiba Masaki, I -”
Jun let out a loud curse. Masaki! So this was the boy who had made his senior look so sad all the time. He glared at the boy, who was already looking like he thought coming there was a bad idea. “Haven’t you hurt Sho enough?” Jun asked, using his senior’s first name, feeling strangely pleased with the way the boy’s eyes widened.
“I - that’s - uh,” Aiba didn’t know what to say. Did Sho tell everyone what I did to him? Or just this boy? Were they very close? He hadn’t realised how little he knew of Sho’s life before now. For all he knew, Sho harbored secrets just as he did. For all he knew, Sho could be dating this boy, or anyone else in his school.
“Or have you run out of hearts to break wherever you came from, and now you’re coming to see if you can do it all over again?” Jun knew that most of his anger had come from his inability to hold his own against Ohno, but he also felt protective for his senior. He didn’t want Sho to feel the same way he did.
“It’s not like that at all!” Aiba burst out, surprising even himself. He raised his hands to his mouth, but slowly lowered them again, realising that they were shaking. What am I doing here, really? he asked himself miserably. “I just... wanted to explain...”
“Sho’s really popular here, you know. All the juniors look up to him. At least half of them have a crush on him... probably. So if you’re here to see if he’s allright, then let me assure you that he is. But please don’t see him again, not if you’re just going to hurt him.” Because nothing hurts like being pitied by the person who broke your heart.
“I... see.” Aiba bit his lips hard for a moment, and looked like he was struggling with himself about something. Then he looked into Jun’s eyes and gave a pained smile. “If he’s allright, then I guess it’s okay. Don’t tell him I came by; that would probably make things worse.”
He turned away to leave, and Jun wondered if he had done the wrong thing. Aiba had looked like he was suffering, too. “Aiba-kun...”
But Aiba continued walking, without acknowledging him.
Jun didn’t return to the room. The feeling of guilt was growing larger and heavier within him, and he couldn’t go back. He was scared of finding Sho there, and he was dreading having to tell Sho that he had chased Aiba away, just because he was too caught up in his own feelings about Ohno.
So he wandered around aimlessly, and found himself in the small park behind the dorms. He had spent a lot of time there reading, so he went to find his favourite spot, and sat. Since he didn’t have a book with him, he drew his knees up and rested his chin upon them, and closed his eyes.
Sometimes just sitting silently was good, too, he thought.
When something tingled at his skin, and he felt like someone had dropped a cube of ice down his spine, he opened his eyes. Only one person made him feel like that.
Sure enough, Ohno was standing before him, a little out of breath.
“I’ve been looking for you,” Ohno said. “Why’d you walk away like that?”
Jun frowned. “If you hadn’t wanted me to leave, you could’ve just stopped me.”
“I know.” A strange look passed his face, before Ohno said, “I didn’t realise I wanted you to stay until you had left.”
“I’m sorry, Ohno-senpai,” Jun said, surprising both of them. “I like you a lot, you know? But it’s not really your problem. Or rather, it shouldn’t be your problem. I know that you feel responsible for me, but really, maybe it’s best if you just stay away.”
Ohno tilted his head slightly, asking, “but what if I said that I liked you, too?”
Jun gave a short, bitter laugh. “Please. Don’t joke about this, please.” Are you deliberately trying to be cruel? It isn’t like you at all...
“I’m not joking.” Ohno was still talking in that calm, steady, kind voice he had. Jun hated it. He hated the way Ohno always seemed collected and at peace with himself, when Jun was always a bundle of nerves. “I like you, Jun.”
Jun stood up quickly, and stumbled backwards in dizziness. “Please,” he said. “Don’t say that anymore.”
The older boy held out a hand, as if to reach for Jun, but hesitated, and lowered them again. “This is no use,” he said quietly. “Jun, you do realise that this kind of relationship is forbidden in the dorms?”
Jun shook his head. “So what,” he muttered. “That’s no excuse. A lot of boys in the dorms do it. Toma-senpai told me.”
“That’s true.” Ohno sighed. “But I’m also older than you.”
“It’s only a few years. That’s a stupid excuse.”
“No, it’s not,” Ohno said patiently. “I’m a college student, and I was Miyazawa-sensei’s assistant, which meant that I was there to supervise all of you. I was there to help the students, not... take advantage of them.”
“It wouldn’t have been like that,” Jun insisted.
“Really?” Ohno smiled. “What would Miyazawa-sensei do, if he found out? Have you thought of that?”
Jun was quiet. He hadn’t thought of it. He would probably have been expelled, he supposed. And as for Ohno... he could think of several things that might befall the older boy, and none of them were good. “I haven’t thought of that,” he said in a resigned voice. “I guess you’re right.” It’s strange, he thought. Having Ohno tell him that he felt the same way should have brought him joy, not more pain.
They looked at each other in silence.
Jun thought of how even though Ohno’s presence made him confused and dizzy and nervous, it was also true that Ohno calmed him down in a way. It was contradictory, but everything about how he felt about Ohno was contradictory. It made him wonder if he made Ohno feel the same, if he brought a little chaos into Ohno’s seemingly peaceful life. He smiled a little, remembering the first time Ohno reached out to touch him, in the very same park they were in. Ohno had apologised, almost stutteringly, after doing so, as if he hadn’t intended it at all and had acted without thinking. Maybe just a little inner turmoil is good sometimes, Jun thought.
“One last kiss, then,” he said, startling the older boy.
“What?”
He swallowed, but made himself continue. “You pushed me away, the last time. If you really feel the same way about me, could I at least have one last kiss, a proper one, this time?”
Ohno took a deep, unsteady breath. Jun thought he was going to reject him, but suddenly Ohno said, “all right,” and pulled him close.
Kissing Ohno reminded Jun of his sister. Not that he ever kissed his sister, or wanted to, but there was a time when his sister made caramel pudding. She had burned it, and it tasted bitter. No one had wanted to eat it except Jun, who loved the slight tinge of sweetness hidden under all the bitter. His sister thought that he ate it all up because he felt sorry for her, but the truth was he couldn’t get enough of it. Ohno was like that, like burned caramel.
He was reluctant to break away from Ohno, but he knew he had to. He shivered slightly as he stepped out of the older boy’s arms, glad for the cold season. He didn’t have to admit that it was the sudden feeling of Ohno-lessness that cause the shiver, and blame it on winter instead. Remembering his thoughts earlier in the day, he looked up. “I wish it would snow,” he said, not realising that his lips had twisted into a pout.
Ohno smiled, a little too widely, Jun thought. “For someone who’s complaining, you look pretty contented.”
“Yeah, well.” Jun stepped closer to Ohno. “Lets go for a walk.”
“Jun.” Ohno had tried to sound stern, but he only sounded a little panicky.
Yes, Jun thought. Maybe a little inner turmoil could be good, after all. Closing the distance between them, Jun reached into Ohno’s coat pocket, and took Ohno’s right hand in his. “It’s cold,” he said. “Surely there’s nothing wrong with keeping your junior warm while walking in the cold? Especially when he had forgotten to wear gloves when he went out.”
“But you are wearing your -” Ohno faltered, as Jun let go of his hand, took off his gloves, and threw them aside.
“See? No gloves. How forgetful of me.”
Ohno just shook his head, but didn’t protest when Jun took his hand again. Their entwined hands inside his pocket felt like a secret, a memory he would be able to keep until the next time winter comes around.
It wasn’t easy, walking with Ohno. He took smaller steps than Jun did, and stopped to look at things. The beautiful scenery in the distance, the cat under the shrubbery, the sharp angles of a leafless tree. This meant something else, too, Jun knew. Jun was the kind who would rush forwards without taking a good look at what was surrounding him. Ohno was different. Sensing the slight impatience of the younger boy, Ohno merely commented, “the weather is lovely, isn’t it?”
The only lovely thing about the weather is that I have an excuse to hold your hand, Jun thought, but he looked back at Ohno, just a couple of steps behind him, and he looked at his arm stretching but unable to let go of Ohno’s. He looked at the road behind them, thinking that if it had been snowing, he would have been able to see the twin trail of their footsteps. One slow and measured, the other rushed and unsure. Both heading in the same direction.
Snow would melt eventually, he knew. But the memory would keep. And for some reason he couldn’t explain, he knew for sure that they would go on heading in the same direction. Maybe he would have to walk this path alone next season, but by next winter, or the one after that, it would surely lead him back to Ohno.
Jun looked into Ohno’s smiling face, and saw that Ohno was thinking the same thing.