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Sabine sank to the floor with a muttered "Kriff this," eyeing the mess she'd just caused in her living room. The holo disk was thankfully unharmed since it had landed on the small couch. She couldn't say the same for the cup of caf that she'd hurled at the wall, a dark stain with drops pooling at the floor where shattered pieces of her mug lay. Her eyes landed on the helmets she'd kicked around - thankfully those could take a beating - and ran her fingers through her hair.
"Okay,” she said out loud. "Okay." She forced herself to take a deep breath and stand up. Sabine walked outside onto her balcony, hoping the night air would bring some calm. The mess could wait.
The stars above Lothal were bright, the air sweet, and the white city in the distance - still being built up - was gleaming in the dark.
"Stars, city, grass - and Loth cats," she said aloud, rolling her eyes slightly at her self. Sabine had learned the centering exercise, listing out loud what she could see, as a way of grounding herself in the moment - and she'd learned it from Ezra.
Ezra. With a sigh she thought back to what had brought on her earlier fury. She'd had a dream - one that felt so real, it was painful to wake up in her (and really, Ezra’s) tower and realize it wasn't.
The dream itself wasn't anything too remarkable - she and Ezra were sitting somewhere on the plains of Lothal, long grass waving around them and the sun shining brightly down. Of course Ezra had a Loth cat curled up next to him, the creatures always found their way to him. Sabine closed her eyes, wanting to remember more despite the pain it brought. Her hair had been shorter, Ezra's longer than when she'd last seen him three years ago. His eyes were the same bright blue and his face looked worn, despite the laugh they were sharing. Of course he still had an orange shirt, though if she were being honest he filled it out better than she'd ever seen before.
She had pushed his shoulder playfully and he had grabbed her hand - and she'd let him! - and it was so warm and rough in her own as they fell back in the grass, laughing. Her laugh had died on her lips when she looked over at him and saw his eyes full of joy and that unmistakable look that was just for her - fondness, admiration, want - and as they moved closer to each other she'd known what was coming but she hadn't felt afraid, not one bit. She knew her own stubborn heart and knew what she wanted, finally. They were inches away from each other, and his free hand ran through her hair before settling on her cheek. "Sabine," he breathed against her lips, and then -
Well then she kriffing woke up to an empty bed and a growing pit of saddness in her stomach. It had felt so real. He'd felt so real, and she had felt whole in a way she hadn't since the kriffing purgill and extra-kriffing Thrawn incident.
So Sabine did what she usually did when she woke up in the middle of the night missing him. She made a cup of caf and grabbed the special holo disk - the one he'd made just for her. She'd found it not long after he'd disappeared, on the art table in her room.
"Sabine," his projection had started, "if you're watching this I'm either gone or you found this before I could grab it back from you. If I'm still around and you're watching this, now is a great time to throw it out of the airlock." He paused there, smirking. "Really, I’ll give you a minute!” How she wished that were true.
With a sigh, Ezra's recording continued. "But probably I am gone, and without warning. I'm so sorry, Sabine." He paused and seemed to look right at her, and no matter how many times she watched it she wanted to stay in that moment as long as she could.
"The last few years of being your friend and partner mean more than you know. I learned so much from you about how to trust people, including myself." He rubbed the back of his head and looked down, which she knew meant he was approaching a level of embarrassment with how much he was sharing. "I'm not sure how long I'll be gone, or where I'm even going, but I know you're going to be okay. I will be too, because no matter what happens I’ve known you. And I’ll always be able to count on you." He smiled sadly. "I can't imagine everything I'm going to miss, but I know I have to do this. I hope you can understand. Vor entye, Sabine."
His projection glanced at her again meaningfully before disappearing. Usually watching the holo disk brought her a measure of calm, but tonight it only brought anger. Sabine was weary of not being able to do anything to reach Ezra. She wanted more than recordings and glances and memories.
It didn't help that back on the Ghost, she was never alone on nights like these. Without fail Ezra would sense her unease and find her in the common room. She never really questioned how he knew, but was always grateful for conversation over caf, or a game of dejarak, or scheming together on a prank. Sometimes he'd even watch her paint.
"Ezra,” she said out loud to the stars, grass, and ever-present Loth cats. She did understand duty, and sacrifice. She made her way back into the tower, surveying the mess with a sigh. Haar'chak, I do understand, Ezra. I just wish I was with you, wherever you are, Sabine thought heavily.
You better come back soon, Ezra, or I'm coming to find you. She imagined the words going out, out, out of the tower and into the night as she grabbed a rag to clean up the caf.
Somewhere in the Unknown Regions
Ezra Bridger sat up suddenly, nearly clanging his head on the low ceiling of his room. Sabine. The dream had been amazingly real - her warmth, her voice, her eyes. He wiped a hand over his face, loving and hating the Force in this moment. He’d heard her, he knew that above all else.
I wish I was with you, too, Ezra thought, willing the words to reach her across their unimaginable distance. Every day.