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Emotions were forbidden – Ramuda knew this rule perfectly well. Probably, the only one he would like to follow.
He was already walking a tightrope – having teammates for him, a defective Chuuoku marionette, meant having a lot of problems: he could become attached to them and disobey government’s orders... Or to obey, hiding the pain of inability to stand against his creators behind a mask of carelessness. Of course, he didn’t want to deal with this at all.
But he couldn’t get rid of that heavy, viscious and sticky feeling that aroused in his chest every time he looked at Jakurai. Ramuda had always loved sweets - one might say, he couldn’t live without them - but feelings this man evoked in him were too sugary even for him.
It was impossible to escape from this sweet poisonous taste. Ramuda told himself that it was just a system error, that it would pass over time, that he was able to suppress it. But no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, this feeling did not disappear. He couldn’t just distance himself from the doctor - not because Jakurai was his student and teammate, but because Ramuda really liked his company. He was calm, reliable and reasonable - the exact opposite of the fashion designer himself. Ramuda wanted to penetrate his soul and break it down, just to see his rage, his hatred, his contempt - the mere thought of the doctor’s sincere, unrestrained emotions made him want to lick his lips, tasting the bright sweetness of saccharin on them.
However, watching Jakurai was interesting anyway.
Thanks to his persona, Ramuda could just hug him with nobody questioning it - after all, he did the same with all of the other teammates, didn’t he? - and watch how quickly the look on Jakurai’s face changed from surprised to affectionate, how he blushed, barely noticeable, and how tenderly his voice sounded while he was talking to him. Ramuda smiled as usual - as if he didn’t prey on his every reaction - and cheerfully blabbed something about his new designs or new fashion trends in Japan, sometimes jokingly adding that he wouldn’t mind to see Jakurai as his model. His words were making the man even more embarrassed, and Ramuda was drunk on doctor’s emotions, sweet as poison, and he wanted to continue drinking them without stopping.
However, in reality, he didn’t want people to look at Jakurai at all. Jakurai was a famous doctor, a magician who was saving other’s lives, and he always attracted attention. However, as a part of The Dirty Dawg, he was also an idol, who was worshipped by his fans, he was the one to whom they wrote love letters. Jakurai read those letters with a soft sad smile, and that made Ramuda want to snatch them from his hands and tear into small pieces. Just the very thought that someone might be interested in Jakurai in a romantic way, transformed that sweet feeling inside Ramuda into something bitter and nauseous. If Ramuda could, he would destroy everyone who dared to try getting close with Jakurai. He was fine with Yotsutsuji, the boy was his adopted son after all, but someone else? Never. They didn’t know anything about his real past, they would never realize how fascinating his current behavior and worldview are. They weren’t capable to appreciate his hidden destructive potential. Only him, Ramuda, saw it and was able to make Jakurai show himself.
Besides, Ramuda just hated bitterness.
Having feelings for somebody is scary, especially when you’re not supposed to have them at all. He didn’t understand why this was happening to him, how this sugary poison managed to penetrate his mind so deeply that for the first time in his life he wanted to take care of somebody. It was impossible, it shouldn’t have been possible even in theory. There was such a sweet taste in his mouth that even cigarettes couldn’t help to get rid of it. Ramuda wanted to scream and bang his head against the wall, hoping these emotions would leak out of him like a pink shiny liquid and leave him alone. He wished to be happy and carefree, not having to deal with all those struggles only regular people are supposed to suffer from and not him. But no matter what he did, feelings didn’t go away.
He didn’t want them. And since he couldn’t stop it, then his only way out was to crush it all, crush his bond with Jakurai. He must force Jakurai to hate him – even if it's so painful he would prefer to be dead than be away from the doctor - and destroy his trust once and for all... But at least he will be free again.
He has to do something. Before it's too late. Until he said something he shouldn’t.