Work Text:
Janus Mentiras didn’t want to be up at 3 am on a Wednesday morning before his bar exam. It really wasn’t his fault that his mind worked best late at night when it should be resting. So there he was, studying, reading and rereading the same sentence, trying to figure out how to expel his thoughts.
A bang echoed through the empty house, making the insomniac jump. His roommate, Virgil, had gone to New York City for the weekend with his boyfriend. No one else was there.
No one else should’ve been there, that is.
Janus thought back. Had he locked the door today? Virgil was always the one who checked and double checked the locks, but he wasn’t here. And Janus had called him paranoid. He just might pay with his life without his friend’s paranoia.
Though every instinct told him not to, he slowly crept out of his room and down the dark hall. Halfway to the kitchen, the house erupted with a loud clanging noise, and Janus froze. The clanging got louder, followed by a pained grunt, and then silence. Slightly more terrified, he crept slowly in the direction of the kitchen.
The sight that awaited him was barely believable. The window above the sink was wide open, letting in a freezing gust of wind and quite a few crisp autumn leaves. There was also a small trail of blood trickling from the windowsill, down the front of his usually spotless white counter, and ending in a much larger pool on the floor. But the strangest thing was the man lying there, bleeding out from a cut on his head and eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon from Janus’s expensive silver set. The Nutella hadn’t come from the kitchen; the lawyer found it disgusting and his roommate had read a blog claiming that one of the ingredients killed brain cells, so the hazelnut spread had not seen these dim fluorescent lights in years. But it was definitely Janus’s kitchen and Janus’s spoon. And oh god was that a steak knife covered in blood sitting next to the stranger?
The man in question looked up, noticing Janus frozen in the doorway for the first time. Swallowing a mouthful of Nutella, he nodded in greeting. “Whussup, sexy?” he drawled, speech slurring. “Any chance I can use your shower? Oh, and a band-aid?”
Janus gawked at the stranger with the strangely enticing voice, terror quickly turning to incredulity. “Are you drunk?”
The man laughed. “Nahnahnah, isss probably just the blood loss lolllllllll.”
With a deep, steadying breath, Janus took a cautious step forward to examine the wound. “Shit, that’s deep. Alright, I’ll text Lo and see if we need to get you to a hospital. In the meantime, I should clean that out, and you can explain to me what the fuck you’re doing in my house and exactly why you thought it was okay to say ‘lol’ out loud. Kay?”
“Whateva you say, hot stuff. Fuck, I’d carve out my heart for you.”
“Please don’t,” Janus said quickly. “Now, lie down and try to keep still. Unless you want an infection, that is.”
“If you think about it, love is an infection… of the brain. And when you put it that way, I might as well be rotting slowly from the inside out just looking at you.”
Janus rolled his eyes, trying to hide the beginnings of a blush. That might very well have been the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to him, even if it was a bit disturbing. This man might be a bit mad, but he was nothing if not endearing.
Silently, he grabbed a rag and Virgil’s Kitchen First Aid Kit (as opposed to his living room kit, bedroom kits, guest bedroom kit, bathroom kit, front door kit, and buried-in-the-front-lawn-just-in-case kit) and started to attack the wound with his most formidable weapon: rubbing alcohol.
As he scrubbed at the blood and grime, he finally got a good look at the stranger's face. That was when he realised: this guy, along with being sweet, was also insanely cute. His eyes were a dark, dark emerald green that nearly matched his hoodie and seemed to brim with either tears, mirth, or ideas. It seemed that he hadn’t shaved in quite a few days, for his chin was riddled with untamed stubble that somehow added to his charm where it would ruin the look on most anyone else. He also had some messily applied silver eyeshadow smeared all around his eyes that only served to enhance the specks of gold in his irises. Even his moustache, usually an immediate turn off for Janus, both added a cartoonish beauty to him and brought attention to his soft peach lips.
There was also something uncannily familiar in his mischievous smile and cocky expression, something Janus’ sleep-deprived, frenzied brain couldn’t quite place.
In desperate need of a distraction from the stranger’s lips, he said, “I don’t think I’ve introduced myself. I’m Janus. And you?”
The man smirked. “Well, I’d sure like to be Mrs. Januss, but fur now, call me Remus.”
And in his flustered state, it took Janus a moment to connect the dots in his head. When he did, his jaw dropped. “Remus Prince? Roman’s little brother?”
Remus sighed. “3 minutes. He’s three fucking minutes older. Did my mess of a brother tell you that?”
Janus laughed, still a bit shocked but grateful for any ammunition against Roman. “Don’t think I’ve ever given him a chance. Think he’s scared of me, to be honest.”
“Oh? What’d’ya do to ‘im? He needs a good spook every now and then.” He squinted, then winced, apparently forgetting why he was lying on the floor in the first place. “Unless you hurt him. Then I’d have to murder you immediately, no matter how pretty you are. Sorry, cutie, twinnie blood pact.”
Janus smiled. Roman’s crazy little bro was getting more adorable by the second. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re in no shape for murder. And it won’t be necessary. He’s dating my best friend, so the bestie code requires I put the fear of god in him should he hurt Virgil. You know how… dramatic Roman can get. Needless to say, he took my threats quite seriously, and now he refuses to be alone in the same room as me for more than a minute.”
Remus’s eyes brightened. “Ah, yes. The tiny emo that occasionally crashes our family gatherings. Gotta say, he is fun. No idea how Ro managed to score that one.”
“That makes two of us.” Sighing, Janus quickly changed the subject; they were far too close to the topic of relationships, and he was definitely going to make a fool of himself if they kept up with this and Remus somehow happened to be single. “So, care to explain why Roman’s hotter twin ended up breaking into Roman’s boyfriend’s house and bleeding all over my freshly cleaned kitchen?”
Still grinning, Remus started mumbling incoherently before finally starting to explain. “Alright, so I have this brain thing where I’ll get a thought and I can’t get rid of it if I’m just sitting there and it keeps me up all night. So when I get one of those I walk it off. This one just wouldn’t go away so I just kept walking, and I guess I forgot I was walking, and all of the sudden I was on the other side of town. Well, I turned down a dark road, and some idiot came up to me with a fucking steak knife and asked for my wallet.”
Janus’s eyes widened. “You got mugged?”
“Yup,” he said, popping his lips at the p. “Good thing I spent my entire teenage years on the true-crime side of Tumblr. I punched him, tripped him, and ran off. Not before he threw the knife at me though. He was a terrible shot but still got my forehead. Yours was the first open window I could find. Guess the British were right when they said ‘fate is bloody brilliant.’” He smirked, revelling in his surprisingly good fake British accent.
“They say that in Britain?”
“I’m sure someone has. It’s one of those scientifically proven things that no one talks about, like divorce rates or giraffe bisexuality.”
Janus snorted, not even trying to cover up the fact that he was absolutely enamoured by this strange miracle of a human. “Naturally. And the Nutella?”
Remus blinked. “I still had my wallet,” he said like it was obvious.
Janus’ brow crinkled, but he didn’t press. The beautiful, crazy man had lost a lot of blood, after all. And maybe Nutella was his comfort food. “Of course. I think the cut is clean. Let’s see if Lo has responded.”
He had indeed responded in the form of a fully formatted essay. Normally, Janus would be annoyed, but his unexpected guest had him in quite a good mood. He hung onto every word of Logan’s instruction and thanked the nerd profusely.
“Alright, Remus. Good news, you don’t need the hospital.”
“Bad news?”
Janus smiled. “Virgil is going to kill us both when he realises we used up all of his gauze in this kit.”
Remus sighed. “What a shame. And here I was hoping to kiss a cute boy before my blood drained out and my flesh started to rot. Maybe you could help with that?”
Blushing, Janus pulled out the gauze and started wrapping the flirt’s head. “How about we sober you up before we get into anything you might regret?”
“I don’t need a clear head to know that most people don’t patch up random guys who break into their houses, or that most people find my mannerisms disgusting. I don’t need the full spectrum of thoughts to see that you look like an angel and your eyes are the first I’ve seen outside of my family in a while to not hold an inch of contempt or annoyance. I don’t have to have my head screwed on tight to remember that I’ve been hoping to get a chance to meet you based on everything your tiny emo has told me. And I do not need to be thinking straight to know I’m anything but for you. So yeah, I think I’m sober enough to know that I’d never regret kissing you, Janus Mentiras.”
Janus stared at him, speechless, scouring Remus’ face for any signs of deception. He’d been lied to a lot in his life, and thus had become an amazing liar himself, so he knew every tell. Remus was being totally honest. And for once in his life, Janus didn’t feel like lying to himself or the man in front of him about how he felt. Later, he would blame it on the sleep deprivation or the heat of the moment, but he knew it was as sincere as the other’s sweet words when he bent down to plant a kiss on Remus’s scruffy cheek.
Janus had never really believed in love at first sight, but if anything could change his mind, it would be the feeling of this kiss. Remus smelled like blood and rubbing alcohol, but it didn’t phase him. This was euphoria in its simplest form. Yes, Janus decided. This is what love is.
He pulled away with a small sigh and cocked an eyebrow at Remus. “That what you had in mind?”
Remus giggled, a few shades redder than he used to be. “Not quite, but that was amazing. I guess I’ll just have to live long enough to get another one of those.”
“You’d better,” he murmured, quiet enough that the other couldn’t hear. “Alright, Logan says we need to get you red meat and fruit juice. Can you stand?”
Remus nodded, but his words proved false when he tried to prop himself up and slipped. Janus sighed. “Ok, I’m going to carry you to the couch, okay?” This time, his nod was so much more sure.
He was surprisingly light for such a tall man, and it didn’t take long before Remus was on the couch and Janus was heating hamburgers from the freezer. He’d planned on sleeping, but oh well; his final was in the afternoon and he practically had every textbook memorised. Funny how quickly a pretty face can change your priorities.
“Does orange juice work for you?” he called out into the living room.
“Um,” Remus called back, “actually, do you have lemon juice?”
Janus paused, not sure he’d heard him right. “Lemon juice? Not lemonade?”
“Uh, yeah. I’ve always loved it. Ever since I was a kid.”
Janus smiled to himself. He would expect nothing less from the eccentric beauty. “Lemon juice it is.”
He brought out the burgers, half with cheese and half without, along with a tall glass of lemon juice and everything you could possibly put on a burger, including (ew) the half-eaten jar of Nutella.
No amount of weird condiment choices, however, could distract him from the utter adorableness that was Remus curled up in Virgil’s Tim Burton blanket. Janus had nerves of steel, sure, but he was confident this crazy dreamboat could make him confess to his deepest, darkest secrets.
Trying desperately to hide his hot cheeks, he sat down in his favourite chair and set the food down on the table. Remus straightened (haha right. Gay….ened?), trying to sit up, but he’d barely moved an inch before his muscles gave out and he collapsed back onto the couch with a groan and a long string of surprisingly creative curses. Slightly terrified for his friend’s wellbeing, Janus placed a calm but firm hand on the twin’s chest, pressing him back down onto the couch. “Don’t overexert yourself so quick,” he hissed. “You’ve lost a ton of blood; you’re bound to be a bit weak and woozy over the next few days. Let me help you.”
Remus stared as Janus slipped his arm silently around the other’s waist and pulled him up to a more practical position, looking almost awestruck.
“Now,” Janus said, shoving the lemon juice at him, “drink up. Can’t have you passing out before we’ve had a proper chat. What kind of burger do you want?”
Remus sipped at his juice graciously, looking at the array of choices with a soft but entirely unreadable expression. “No cheese, please. And could you put pickles on it? And Nutella?” he asked, looking slightly sheepish but wholly unashamed.
Janus wanted to laugh. Sure, he was weird, but he was also so damn adorable about it. Every little quirk he had seemed to add a bullet to the already long list of perfect things about him Janus was slowly building in his mind. But in Remus’s current state, a laugh could be interpreted as ridicule, and the last thing he wanted to do was lose the man’s trust.
With haste, he made up the burger and handed it to Remus, then turned back to grab a plain cheeseburger for himself.
They ate in silence, but it felt more tentative than awkward. Janus contemplated how to go about his next words, and he could feel Remus doing the same beside him. When the bleeding man had been explaining before, an old psychological experiment had come back to him that he thought might just help with the crazy cutie’s dilemmas.
When they had finished eating, Janus cleared his throat. “If you, er, don’t mind, is there any chance you’ll tell me what was keeping you up so much that you took a walk and almost got yourself killed?” It came out harsher than expected, but Remus’s face softened slightly, and Janus could tell he knew the words came from concern, not accusation.
Remus sighed. “You won’t judge, right?” Janus nodded earnestly. “Alright. It wasn’t really one thought, more a spiral of thoughts that wouldn’t stop. It started with a 5 second scene from a sitcom where a guy was boiling eggs in the background, and I thought ‘what would happen if you accidentally boiled a fertilized egg?’ but I couldn’t find a decent answer, and then I started wondering how that would feel and I thought it must be just slowly getting warmer and warmer and a bit steamy and a bit scary but you know there’s no way to know what’s happening or how it’ll end but that doesn’t matter because when you’re an embryo all that matters is the here and now.” His eyes glazed over a bit, and he started talking faster. “And then of course I realised that that’s an awful lot like love is described in romance novels and movies and shit and I also realised that I had never felt anything like a boiling chicken embryo, and so I started freaking out because all of my relationships have ended so quickly and they all felt a little off and maybe it’s because I’ve never actually been in love and maybe that’s because…” he trailed off, voice getting uncharacteristically small, “well, maybe it’s because I can’t.”
There was a long pause in which not even the crickets moved. Janus felt his heart slowly crack in two for the poor man with his unique view of the world that no words could properly simulate.
Finally, Remus broke the silence, back with his brash, boisterous voice. “Turns out I was wrong though, and so are those stupid books. Crazy how a knife to the forehead can really kickstart your common sense. Love isn’t boiling alive in a stupid shell. Nah, love is the fucking best. And I’m way too fucking gay to not love anyone. Thanks for reminding me of that.” He winked, and Janus couldn’t look away for long enough to hide the utter adoration in his eyes.
“Balut,” he blurted, too flustered to say anything intelligent. Remus cocked an eyebrow, and Janus, embarrassed, rushed to explain. “In the Philippines, there’s a food called balut that’s boiled bird embryos. Usually it’s duck, but it could probably be chicken. If, um, that helps or something.”
Remus stared at him, then cracked a wide, blinding grin. “That actually does help somehow. Thank you. How did you know that?”
“Erm, one of my friends is a chef, one is a nerd, and the last one is an insomniac who spends at least 18 hours a day on tumblr. So I know a lot of weird things.” Remus laughed at that, and Janus joined in after a moment. Maybe he was tired of being emotionless for so long. Maybe he felt like he didn’t need the lies around this perfectly honest man. But he wasn’t hiding anything anymore.
After a while, Remus started to yawn, and Janus helped him to a comfortable sleeping position.
But when Janus turned to leave, he felt a hand tugging at his wrist. “Could you do one more thing for me?” Remus asked, looking a little uneasy.
“Of course.”
“Um, you don’t have to, but I have a hard time falling asleep without any white noise. You know, keep the thoughts at bay. Anyway, so I noticed you humming to yourself earlier.” Had he been humming? It was second nature by now.
“You want me to sing you to sleep?”
Remus blushed. “Only if you want to.
Smiling, Janus sat back down. “I’d love to.”
Remus smiled and closed his eyes as Janus began his favourite lullaby.
“Behind the hill
There’s a busy little still
Where your pappy’s working in the moonlight
Your loving pa
Isn’t quite within the law
So he’s hiding there behind the hill…”
Before he’d even finished the song, Remus was snoring. Janus stood slowly so not to wake up the adorable man and set to work. He had the perfect thing planned for tomorrow.
When Remus woke up at 9 am the next morning, it was to a silent house. In front of him sat a small pile of clothes, a shopping bag, and a small piece of folded notebook paper. He picked up the note first.
Remus,
First off, last night was really fun and a welcome break from studying, so thanks for breaking into my house I guess. When you read this, I’ll most likely be asleep. Here’s a change of clothes that should fit you (they’re Virgil’s sorry if it’s not your style), and help yourself to anything in the kitchen. Stay as long as you need and take it slow, you’re still recovering.
J.
P. S. If you meant anything you said last night, my finals end at 5 and I’d love to get dinner
Under that was a phone number.
Remus Prince left the house not too long after with an MCR T-shirt, ripped jeans, a shopping bag filled to the brim with jars of Nutella, and the euphoric promise of an amazing date that night.