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yoongi has made several mistakes in his life.
some he regrets, wishes he had done differently. he can’t help it. but mostly he’s come to accept that everything just happens. purposeful or not.
everything. everything happens. you can’t escape that.
so when jieun knocks on his door, eyes red and face flushed, he doesn’t make the decision.
it’s not his mistake to make.
are you happy now?
they’ve been through so much. they’ve lost. they’ve gained. some days it feels like they’ve lost more than they’ve gained.
some days they’re just grateful for what they have.
some days they just want to disappear.
“jieun, do you want to disappear? is that what you want?” he holds her hand as he brings her inside. she shakes her head and shivers as the door shuts, as if the warmth of the hallway is biting at her neck.
“i just want to go back.”
back to when i didn’t have it all. i didn’t have us.
we’re dancing beneath the orange sun, without a shadow.
because we’re not there at all.
yoongi nods, and prepares.
he can’t say he blames her. he went through the exact same thing, and had the means to not have gone through it anymore.
what if you could forget everything you’ve lost?
then would you have really lost it in the first place? you didn’t have it. not as far as you know.
yoongi doesn’t tell her. the truth is, he doesn’t know if what he did was a mistake or not.
was it a mistake to remember?
they’d built an island. it was strong and beautiful. it’s foundations were robust, it’s trees luscious shades of green.
they stayed there and danced without shadows. for a while, the rest of the world didn’t exist. it wasn’t important.
do you want to erase your memories?
one day, it started sinking. only one of them found a way to stay afloat.
they wish that they hadn’t tried.
these short memories really aren’t easy to forget.
still, after time goes by.
the island,
yes or no
it’s holding onto me.
they don’t know how to let go.
they’re floating but it feels like they’re being pulled underwater, head bursting under the pressure of holding their breath.
they entertain the idea of breathing out, letting it all go. at least their head won’t hurt any more.
“i want to share memories that aren’t sad.”
“if you forget, do you think that they won’t be sad anymore?”
“yes.”
“how will you not share sad memories if you don’t know what sadness feels like?”
do you want to erase your memories?
yoongi-ah.
he wonders if he went back, if he had the chance to change things. would he take it away? would he rather that they never happened?
would he forget meeting them? or the panic of trying to stay afloat? the cold shadow that washed over him when he realised that things would no longer be the same.
yoongi-ah. hurry up and don’t be sad. share this beautiful memory with me. i will meet you there.
are you happy yet?
“i just don’t want to be sad.”
the corners of his mouth lift, slow and beautiful like the sunrise.
“i know.”
finally, are you happy now?
he remembers being young and hopeful. slightly less young and bitter. older and wiser.
he remembers learning from the beginning, growing each time he failed. everything in yoongi shrunk each time he lost. if he’d never gained, then he wouldn’t have anything to lose.
it was his fault for taking. he should have known better.
only be prepared to love if you’re prepared to lose. yoongi from before gives warnings of his own. is this a dream?
he laughs. no. this is a nightmare.
i’m not sure i want to wake up.
yoongi-ah.
hmm .
stay with me for a moment.
why do you want to be here? why do you want to remember what we’ve lost? doesn’t it hurt enough.
it does. it always has. but it’s beautiful, isn’t it?
yes. yes, it is.
when it’s done, he lifts his head up to find her already looking at him. a sad story is told through desolate, glassy eyes.
she smiles.