Chapter Text
Yamaguchi’s eyes rapidly scanned the circle of chairs, looking for an empty one. As it turned out, there were two, but either way, he’d be stuck in between two people he didn’t know. ‘Great… Perfect,’ he thought to himself, biting down on his lower lip. This was exactly what he had been trying to avoid. He supposed that this was what he got for showing up so late, but truthfully, he was late on purpose. He had been planning to slip into the meeting at the last minute and take a seat in the back row or something so that he wouldn’t draw too much attention to himself. He hadn’t been expecting the whole clichéd; sit in a circle so we can all be closer kind of seating arrangement. He thought all that stuff only happened in the movies. Or that it was simply staged for the photos that would appear on the brochures of these kinds of places. But this was not a photo-shoot, and he was not a model, nor was he an actor, so apparently the clichéd circle-seating thing really did exist.
He sighed, contemplating for a moment whether it might be better to just leave now before he made a fool out of himself. He could do it; he could just walk out now, go to the café that was a few blocks away, and sit in there for a few hours, have a snack, play some games on his phone. His parents would never have to know- after all, it wasn’t as if they were tracking him, and he doubted that anyone in this room would be inclined to speak up and tell on him, even if they did know his name.
That’s right. No one in here knows who I am. If they don’t know me, then they won’t notice I’m not here…
Yamaguchi was halfway to the exit when the door opened, and in walked a young man with dark brown hair and glasses. He was short, but he had an air of authority about him, and he was carrying a notebook, binder and pen. Upon seeing Yamaguchi, a warm smile spread across his face. “Oh hello; you must be one of the new kids who signed up this week… Yamaguchi, right?”
“Y-yeah…”
“Welcome Yamaguchi! Please, take a seat. We’ll get started really soon; I promise; I just need to make a quick phone call first.” Yamaguchi nodded dumbly and moved to the nearest empty seat. So this was their group leader. The man who had basically just caught him trying to escape. Thankfully, he hadn’t called him out on it, but still… Ugh. He was so stupid, he could have kicked himself. How could he have seriously thought that he could get away with not showing up? His parents had signed him up for this; of course the group leader would know his name! Of course he would know if one of his new members didn’t come; he probably had a list of everyone in the room! He sighed again and sank even deeper into his chair.
Great- now everyone probably thinks I’m a coward… Which I am; I mean, I’m scared of a room full of scared scared kids, but now they already know, and they probably all saw me trying to ditch, and… No! No no no; you can’t think like this, Yamaguchi; stay calm! You’re blowing this out of proportion. Remember what Doctor Nomura said—no one in this room is more aware of me than me… These other kids probably didn’t even see what happened, and even if they did, they didn’t care. They have their own things to think about; their own fears… I’ll bet some of them are just as scared as me…
Yamaguchi let out a deep breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. Somehow, that thought made him feel a little better. A lot better, actually. After all, everyone in this room was in a situation similar to his own. He just had to keep reminding himself of that. Yes, there were kids who were bigger and stronger than him- a couple looked like they could beat him up, but now as he looked at the other members of the group, really looked at them, he could see that everyone looked nervous, anxious, or at least a little tense.
Well, except for the boy sitting on his left. He didn’t look nervous at all. In fact, he almost seemed bored, disinterested with the world around him, if the white headphones pulled up over his ears were any indicator. He was staring off into space, absentmindedly tapping his fingers against his leg, no doubt to the tune of whatever it was he was listening to. But although he clearly didn’t want to interact with anyone, there weren’t any visible traces of fear on his face, or in his body language. He appeared to be truly calm and collected. Did a guy like this really belong here? If he did, how was he staying so calm? Maybe it had something to do with his music…
If this were another universe, one in which Yamaguchi was much smoother and cooler, or at least had the ability to interact normally with another person, he might have asked the boy sitting next to him what he was listening to. Also his name, and possibly his phone number because this boy was gorgeous, and exactly Yamaguchi’s type. Or at least, what he assumed to be his type, based on the fictional characters he was drawn to in the mangas he read and the TV shows he watched. The boy was tall and thin; he had short, messy blond hair and dark framed glasses, which gave him a mature, cool-guy sort of look. And behind those glasses were large light brown eyes. No, wait; they had a golden tint to them, like honey. Like amber. Yes, like amber- that was it! His eyes were amber, and although they were dulled and lacking passion, they were still interesting to look at. They were striking, even. They were… staring at him. Glaring at him actually. He began to panic.
Oh god; I’ve been staring at him this whole time! He probably thinks I’m weird now! Oh god oh god oh… ok… He noticed. Can’t do anything about it now. So just say something… Anything!
“I, um… Hello.”
Smooth, Yamaguchi. His cheeks burned in embarrassment as he dropped his gaze down onto the floor.
“So… haven’t seen you before.” Well, that was probably the dumbest thing he could have said. Of course he hadn’t seen him before. He hadn’t seen any of these people before. He’d never been here before! But despite knowing that he should probably quit while he’s behind, words continued to flow out of his mouth. “I mean, not that I should have or anything; it’s just I was wondering if you’re…. new too?” There was a long lapse of silence, and for a moment, he wondered if the blond haired boy had even been listening to him at all, or if he’d just chosen to ignore the question. But when Yamaguchi finally got the courage to look up at him again, the blond boy nodded once in affirmation before going back to staring off into space. At this, Yamaguchi smiled. It wasn’t much, but it was something.. Maybe next week, he’d work up the courage to talk to him again... Maybe next week, he’d actually be able to string together a full sentence or two…
It was then that the group leader stepped into the center of the circle, effectively snapping Yamaguchi out of his thoughts. “Good evening, everyone!” he called out. “Thank you for your patience. I’m sorry for keeping you all waiting, but we can go ahead and get started now. First of all, welcome; I’m Doctor Ittetsu Takeda, but you can just call me Take-sensei; that’s what my students call me. I teach social and behavioral psychology up at Miyagi Prefecture University, and I’m also a faculty advisor for the psychology department. But in here, I’m just a facilitator of communication, a counselor, and hopefully a friend. I’m not your therapist; most of you have already got one of those anyway, am I right?” Most of the teens in the room nodded, Yamaguchi included. “Right. And therapy is very important for the road to recovery, but let me ask you something: how many of you have fun when you go to therapy?”
Not a single person raised their hand. Finally, Takeda spoke up again, a smile on his face. “Exactly. Well I’m pleased to tell you that this is not just another therapy session. Yes there will be nights where I’m leading the discussion, teaching you about the common sources of stress and anxiety and how to cope with them, but the success of this program largely depends on you. And I know that sounds really cheesy, but its true. You’ll be sharing your stories, your experiences, your good days, your bad days. Yes, you’ll be talking a lot in here, and I know most of you are nervous about that, but it’s going to be ok because how much and how often you share is going to be up to you. You can go at your own pace. And you know what else? Everyone here tonight, everyone in this circle is in the same boat. You’re all here because you each have some type of anxiety so crippling that it’s been interfering with how you live your lives. But you recognized that, and you picked yourselves back up. You’ve all all been working hard to get better. I know that; I’ve talked to your parents. And now you’re here, and in here, there will be nothing but compassion and understanding from your peers. Because you’ve all been through similar struggles. And you’re all working towards a better future…” He looked at his watch and chuckled.
“Wow! Well I’m sure you’ve had enough of my preaching to last you a lifetime, and it’s only the first session… Anyway, my point is, you will get to participate as much as you feel comfortable with in here, and you’ll get to have fun doing it. We’ll be playing games, and doing a lot of group bonding activities during these meetings so you don’t have to listen to me talk all night.” He chuckled again, and this time, Yamaguchi and some of the other teens laughed along with him. Take-sensei seemed really nice, and very approachable. He was beginning to think that maybe going this support group wouldn’t be so bad… Once the quiet laughter died down, he continued. “All right, so now that everybody’s loosened up a bit, I’m gonna turn it over to you guys! I'll let you in on a little secret: everyone here in this room is new; this is a new support group just for you guys. There's another high school aged group that meets on Tuesday nights, and and they've all been going for six months or more. We might all combine together for a session someday, but in the meantime, we thought it'd be nice for you guys to have a night all to yourselves, since there were so many of you coming in this month. Plus, two smaller groups versus one big one allows for more interaction and more participation, so with that in mind, I’d like to hear a little more about each of you. We’re going to go around the room, and I’d like you to tell me your name, your age, and any one other interesting thing you’d like to share. Your favorite book, how many siblings you have, what school you go to… anything. Now, would anyone like to start?”
The girl on the other side of the blonde boy raised her hand. That meant that the blond boy would go last, and he would go second to last… Which was fine by him. He had no idea what interesting fact about himself he could tell the group right now anyway. Takeda beamed at the girl and nodded. “Great! Can you stand up for me?”
Tentatively, she stood up from her seat. “Hi everyone; I’m Matsui Riko; I’m 15 years old, and… I love to dance. I’ve been taking ballet for seven years, and jazz for four. It’s a good stress reliever for me, and someday, I hope to join a professional dance company, and by then, I’d… I’d like to have the confidence to perform at my best, no matter how large the crowd… And… that’s all,” she said with a nervous smile, sitting back down in her chair.
“That was very good, Matsui,” said Takeda. “Thank you for being brave enough to go first.” He nodded to the girl next to Matsui and encouraged her to stand up. “All right; lets hear from our next friend…”
“Hello, my name is Nomura Aki…”
On and on, it went like this, and, with the exception of maybe one or two kids, everyone seemed to have some sort of amazing talent- some inspirational reason for why they wanted to get better and overcome their anxiety. There were dancers, actors, math geniuses, engineers, writers… Everyone here was amazing. But what about him? What was his motivation to get better? Other than for his parents’ sake, and for his own desire to live a normal life, he couldn’t think of one. Because unlike everyone else, he didn’t have an amazing talent… Did he? He did like volleyball, but he was average at best when he played in elementary school, and that was years ago… Yamaguchi frowned. The boy sitting three seats away was standing up to introduce himself. It would be his turn soon.
Come on… Isn’t there anything I’m good at? Now that he thought about it, he did like to draw, but that was just a hobby. Plus, what if Take-sensei asked him to bring in his drawings sometime? He never showed them to anyone; not even his parents… He looked to his right and swallowed. The boy next to him was standing up. ‘Crap… Ok; I have to think of something to say so I don’t just stand up there like an idiot. Think, Yamaguchi; you still have a little bit of ti-
‘Thank you for sharing with us, Fujiwara. You can take a seat again…” Takeda nodded at Yamaguchi and motioned for him to stand up. When Yamaguchi hesitated, he smiled sympathetically. “It’s all right; no one in here is going to judge you; we’re just getting to know each other. Just tell us whatever you feel comfortable telling, ok?”
“Ok,” Yamaguchi whispered. He had meant for that to stay in his head, but somehow it came out of his mouth. “Ok,” he repeated, this time sounding a little more sure of himself. He stood up and forced himself to look at the group instead of the floor. And… well, the people he could see didn’t look so intimidating, so that was good. He could do this. Probably… “Hi, my name is Yamaguchi Tadashi; I’m 15 years old, and… I’ve been homeschooled for the past 5 years. But… I’m going back to public school next month, so… I guess… I guess that means I’m on my way to getting better.” He smiled sheepishly. “It’s nothing amazing like everyone else, and it’s not exactly an interesting fact, but-”
“Yamaguchi,” Takeda cut him off.
“Yes?”
“That’s wonderful. Getting back out into the world like that is a big deal. Don’t take that accomplishment lightly, ok?”
“Y-yes Sir- err- Yes, Take-sensei!”
“Very good! You can go ahead and sit back down. And now, last, but not least, we have…”
The blond haired boy, looking bored as ever, slipped his headphones off for the first time that night. He draped them around his neck as he stood up to address the group. “Tsukishima… Kei,” he mumbled. “Age 15.” And it looked as though that was all they were going to get out of him for the night. But before he could sit down, Takeda let out a small "tsk" sound in disapproval.
“Come on now, Tsukishima… Your friends want to learn more about you. Just one more thing about yourself, and then you can sit back down. Tsukishima scowled at Takeda for a moment, but in the end he relented, and with an exasperated sigh, he added:
“I like dinosaurs.”
The room was silent; it was apparent that even Takeda hadn’t been expecting an answer like that out of someone like Tsukishima. For a second, Yamaguchi thought he had heard wrong, but that was in fact what Tsukishima had said. A slight blush spread across his face, which he attempted to cover up by adjusting his glasses. “I’m sitting down now,” he said, trying to sound as cold and detached as possible, but Yamaguchi wasn’t buying it. So even Tsukishima Kei blushed while talking about himself in public. And apparently, he liked dinosaurs. Yamaguchi giggled silently into his hand. Maybe the “cool, silent guy” wasn’t so unreachable after all.