Work Text:
One Sure Thing
Danny can hear voices inside. Maybe he should get up, go join them. Give Steve an actual good bye instead of whatever Steve apparently thinks is enough.
He doesn't though. He stays in this chair that has become his in the last ten years. Letting the breeze blow through his hair, mess it up, get it full of salt, of sand. Digs his feet in the sand. Lets the cane lean against his side.
He doesn't close his eyes. Doesn't pretend it's just another evening, no matter how much he wants to.
He knows this is it. Steve is leaving. No matter what Steve says, phone calls or not, this is the end of a run that lasted ten years.
Danny told Steve once, that he always imagines the worst. That even when things start he already imagines the end.
And for all that he's been afraid of Steve dying, of him not making that jump, of not dodging that bullet, he didn't really imagine it ending.
For once he thought he had a sure thing. This friendship at least, that he had with Steve, even if he would never have more, would last. They'd stay together, grow old side by side, sitting in these chairs, still bickering. Steve would be there for Charlie growing up, for Grace marrying, if she so chose.
For their ups and downs.
He'd be there.
The one sure thing he'd thought he'd had, and even that doesn't last.
Danny doesn't go to work for weeks. He's not bouncing back from this bullet wound quite as well. He's not as young anymore. He's growing old. Things take longer to heal.
He doesn't think about the fact that he doesn't feel as driven to return either. He doesn’t want to think ‘What’s there to return for’, because that is nonsense. For all that he was pushing the restaurant, he does love his job. He’s got cop in his blood and that’s not suddenly going to stop.
But the thought of returning without Steve there… it hurts.
So he recuperates at home. Watches movies, does some reading, talks to his children.
One evening, three beers in, he pulls out an old picture. Ten years. They’d been so young. Kono, wide eyed and hopeful, Chin, burdened by his past, but happy about this second chance. Steve, still so guarded, already hurt, but standing strong, bearing it with determination.
Danny himself, finding home, finding family, even though he doesn’t know it yet.
Now he’s the only one left.
Steve calls every few days, checking in with him, just talking. It's good to hear is voice, but it's not the same and Danny tries to pretend it is. He's not sure Steve buys it, but they're both still tired and weighed down, one from wounds to the body, the other to the soul.
Danny talks about how his health is coming along, bitching about it, to downplay how bad he really feels. That it’s not just his body hurting. He bitches about a lot of things, to make them both find stable ground. Steve talks about what he and Catherine have been up to in between their calls, what they have seen, where they have travelled.
And Danny knows that Catherine is there at Steve's side. Of course he does, he's the one who gave her the flight information.
That doesn't make it hurt any less. The space at Steve's side has been his for so long, having someone else there, while Danny is thousands of miles away... it just hurts.
Knowing it is Catherine honestly hurts even more instead of less. She used to be his friend and he'd wished the two of them all the luck in the world once upon a time, even if it had hurt then as well, not having Steve, seeing someone else have him. But they'd been good together.
Only that had been before she had lied, before she had abandoned him.
Steve has been abandoned and lied to too many times in his life. And she had promised Danny not to hurt him again. She'd promised and then she'd gone ahead and done it anyway.
She'd lied and abandoned him and in the end it's still her who's allowed to be there, to stand by Steve's side, help him find himself again, build himself up again, while Danny got a lousy hug and a phone call every now and again.
A phone call spend half the time talking about her.
He misses Steve like a limb, more than a limb, and still, it's rarely Danny that picks up the phone to call first.
That he's the one to call first at all every few calls is only because he doesn't want to add himself to the list of people who abandoned Steve McGarrett. And that's what Steve will read into it, if he doesn’t do it.
Even though nothing could be further from the truth.
He doesn't want to abandon him, but he's lost him all the same.
Danny starts physical therapy and it's hard. He's had PT before, more often than he'd liked. He's even had it after he was shot before, and still this time it feels so much harder. He knows he doesn't get any younger, but he knows just as well, that's not all it is.
But he fights his way through it, because that's what he does. No one will ever be able to say he's not stubborn.
And stubbornness might be all that's pulling him through these days.
Danny's phone rings somewhere in the house and he hobbles over, cursing as he tries to pull his shirt over his head. He should have gone with a button down, but - and he'll never tell anyone this - he hadn't felt like it. He’d felt like shirt and shorts and lounging on the couch.
When he sees the caller ID his heart both skips a beat and constricts slightly. It's a weird feeling.
"Miss me already?"
"You should know by now, I always do." He can hear the smile in Steve’s voice. Danny smiles as well, as he pulls the shirt down all the way with a grunt, before heading to the kitchen.
"You alright?"
“Yeah, just got a bit tangled up in my shirt.”
"You'd think you're old enough to dress yourself by now."
"I don't really want to hear anything about my clothing from a guy who owns three cargo pants and a ten pack of shirts."
They keep bickering while Danny makes coffee and prepares his breakfast. It's comforting in it's familiarity, even if Danny misses being able to see Steve’s faces, or to poke and prod him. It’s better than nothing, but sometimes it feels like a band-aid over a gaping wound.
Today though, today is a good day. Danny woke up without any pain, his range of movement is mostly alright - which is why he tried for the shirt at all - and their bickering is easy.
"Hey, how is Grace doing? Did she figure out the issue with her roommate?"
"I hope so. The RA talked to them and sat the two of them down together to talk it out. We'll see if it sticks, but Gracie is optimistic."
"Can't have inherited that from you, that's for sure."
"No, probably not." That's not news, but it twinges. He tried for optimism in one aspect of his life after all. Turns out he should have stuck to his pessimistic views though. In his experience that doesn't make it hurt any less, but you can be at least somewhat prepared.
“Alright, I need to hang up though.” He doesn’t feel like talking anymore, even though he’ll regret hanging up the moment he does. “Duke promised to send me some cold cases over, get me eased back into working at least desk work."
"Don't overdo it though, man. You're on sick leave for a reason."
"Yeah, that's another thing I'm not really letting you lecture me on, babe. Besides, how is sitting my ass down on the sofa and reading some files overdoing it, Mr Lets-jump-onto-moving-vehicles?"
"Just saying.”
"Just saying my ass. Alright, go enjoy your trip, I'll talk to you soon."
"Yeah, bye, Danno."
Danny hangs up, trying to convince himself that Steve's didn't sound as regretful as he thinks it did.
Steve sends postcards every now and again. They range from beautiful vistas to uber kitsch motifs. Sometimes there's a funny line or three on the back. Sometimes just a short retelling of what they've seen that day, as if Steve won't have told him about it on the phone before the card ever reaches Hawaii. Sometimes it says 'Wish you were here to see it' and Danny wonders, if that was true, then why didn't Steve ask him to come?
Danny’s not going to lie, he’s a bit disappointed when he wanders into the office on his first day back. Alright, he’s a lot disappointed. He didn’t expect a full-blown party, but he at least expected someone to be there and to give him a hug or a clap on the shoulder, or something.
Instead he enters the office to silence. He walks in, looks around, but no one is there. They might have caught a case though, in which case Danny really can’t blame them for being absent. He heads over to the tech table, wanting to pull up anything new. Before he can touch it though, it lights up on his own, bright colours, a fanfare sound and WELCOME BACK bouncing back and forth over the screen. The doors open and everyone enters, voices loud, calling out to him. Tani is on him first, pulling him into a tight hug, though she’s careful to avoid where he’d been shot.
“I’m so glad that you’re back. I missed your ranting.” She pulls back, grinning at him, before pushing him right into Lou’s waiting arms.
“His nagging, let’s call it what it is.”
Danny feels the tension practically melting out of him, as his friends and family around him laugh, and bicker, and keep pulling him into hugs. He should have returned sooner. He hasn’t just missed Steve, he’s missed this just as much. These crazy people, this place with the insanity that after so many years seems to have sunk into the very walls and furniture.
It’s not the same without Steve, but it’s still home.
Danny is looking into the finances of a potential lead on one of his cold cases when Tani plops herself down in front of his desk. He glances up at her, but when she doesn’t say anything he just goes back to his research. She doesn’t look like she’s come to him with something weighing on her, and if she wants something from him she’ll just have to talk.
At least that’s the plan, but when she still hasn’t said anything after five minutes, is just staring at him, he gives up.
“What?”
“How’re you doing?”
Danny blinks at her. That is not the question he’s been expecting.
“Still a bit sore, but I don’t intend to go jumping across buildings soon. I’m alright to do paperwork.”
Tani waves her hand. “That’s not what I’m asking though.”
He narrows his eyes at her. “That’s typically what ‘how are you doing’ is about.”
“That’s what it could be about. But I know you know to look after your health. I’m more worried about your heart though.” She grimaces, facepalming. “Forget I said that, oh my god, that was not what I wanted to say.”
Despite himself Danny has to chuckle. “Watched too many kitsch movies recently?”
“Shut up, you.” Her pout disappears after a moment. “But seriously, how are you doing? I didn’t want to prod while you were still at home, but…”
Danny sighs, doesn’t even bother to pretend. He’s all out of energy for that. “I’m getting there.”
Tani eyes him for a moment, before nodding, apparently satisfied. “We’re here if you need to talk, if that changes, alright? Don’t do the lone strong man act. That’s a bullshit act and we both know it.”
“Yeah, yeah. And don’t worry, I’ll… try.” He leans back, smirking at her. “Speaking of talking about it, how’re things going with Junior?”
This time she does throw something at him, but she’s laughing, as is he, so he really doesn’t mind.
Adam invites him out to drink. They talk about how the team is working out, about Adam’s new home project, about Grace’s newfound love of photography.
They also talk about old times, about Kono, about Steve. And it hurts, and Danny isn’t sure it’s a good idea for either of them, but he also knows some wounds need to bleed before they can heal.
One evening there’s a knock on Danny’s door. A quick look through the window tells him that it’s Junior, but not more than that, the light disappearing quickly. He pulls the door open, only noticing that he’s wearing running gear before he’s almost knocked on his ass by Eddie who jumps up and down, barking like crazy, running circles around him when he’s not trying to jump into his arms.
Danny kneels down, pulling the mutt into his arms, hugging him tightly. He hides his face in the fur, pretending his eyes aren’t burning and his throat isn’t tight. He only gets up when he thinks he’s gotten a hold of himself again.
He clears his throat and steps aside. “Come in.”
Junior nods and enters. Slinks in. Danny frowns, looking him up and down, noticing how tense he holds himself, his eyes flickering around the room, meeting Danny for a short moment before skittering away again.
“Is everything alright?”
“I…” Junior turns,finally straightening and meeting Danny’s eyes with determination. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Hold on, back up.” Danny raises his hand, frowning. “What are you apologising for? For keeping Tani to wait before busting in? Because that was a good call, I’m the last person to-”
“No, that’s… that’s not what I mean.” He looks around again in Danny’s living room, looks at Eddie who’s snuggled up to Danny’s leg, enjoying the head scratches he’s giving him with obvious delight. “I shouldn’t be the one still living in his house. I shouldn’t be the one looking after Eddie. I- Why am I- It should be you!”
“Come on, lets sit.” Danny pulls Junior down onto the couch before heading to the kitchen, getting a six pack of beer. He sits down next to Junior, scrubbing his hand down his face. “Despite all the jokes, we’re not actually married, you know that, right?”
“No, I mean yes, of course but… it’s his house and even if you’re not married, don’t tell me you guys aren’t as close to each other as a married couple-”
“Aside from some pretty important differences, sure.” The joke falls flat, even to his own ears. “Listen, Junior, I think I know where you’re coming from, but I’ve got my place and usually it doesn’t have as many problems as it might have appeared to have recently. And… I know that before his father’s murder Steve hadn’t been home since he left it as a teenager. But I need to believe that he’ll return, once he’s found what he’s looking for.” He looks up at Junior. “With you dog and house sitting I can hold onto that believe.”
Junior nods, though Danny can still see the misplaced guilt lurking beneath. Danny wants to make it go away, but he doesn’t know how, feels too tired to figure it out. He’ll text Tani when Junior leaves, let her sort him out.
Danny takes another drag of his beer and snorts. “Besides, I really don’t want to be there when he comes back with Catherine.”
It’s been two weeks since Danny has been allowed to do anything but desk duty - though he’s still not allowed anything too strenuous. He’s glad that he’s got enough young colleagues he can foist that off to. It’s been a month since he returned to work. Two since he left the hospital.
Two since Steve left the island.
He still misses him with a deep ache, but live moves on and he’s finally got hope that he will as well.
Grace has been dithering around on whether to come home for her birthday or celebrate it with her new friends at college. Danny tried not to talk her into flying out to the island, but he’s not going to pretend that he isn’t incredibly glad that she’ll be coming home. He’s not sure though where to organise the party.
It’s not going to be at Steve’s. Steve had offered when he heard that Grace would be in Hawaii that week, but Danny is not even going to allow that one for discussion.
Luckily none of the team make it a discussion. Even Lincoln doesn’t ask. He hasn’t really known the two of them together, but he’s known Danny since then.
In the end Renee is the one to put the matter at rest, informing him that they’ll hold the party in their garden and he’s welcome to come by. He grins and thanks her, glad that that decision at least is taken care off. The whole family gets together to plan and throw Grace an amazing party and they keep him busy, asking for opinion, having him run errands and organising more tasks than a birthday party should warrant.
He’s thankful for it, doubly so when Steve tells him apologetically that he won’t be able to make it.
Danny wonders. Without a job, with his time spend driving around the country, what’s there to keep him?
When he talks to Grace the next day she tells him in a small voice that Uncle Steve promised to visit once she’s back at college, celebrate a second time.
He wants to hit Steve for making his Gracie sound like that.
The birthday party is amazing, the whole family gathered around.
Well. Almost the the whole family. Although Kono and Chin have been rare visitors to any celebrations in recent years, Steve’s absence makes him feel their absences keener than he has in a while.
With Grace’s laughter in his ear, Charlie demanding games of catch and at least one of his friends always by his side he doesn’t dwell on it as much as he’d expected he would. He’s thankful, because this is Grace’s day and he won’t let anyone or anything drag that down, not Steve and most certainly not himself.
When the party has dwindled down, most people have left and the cleanup is at the point where the rest is being put off, Danny drives back home with Grace. Rachel has already left hours earlier, taking Charlie with her to tuck him in.
Now it’s the two of them, Grace in her room talking on the phone. Danny sits down on the sofa, fully intending to put on some show to wind down. Instead he just sits, staring at the black screen of the TV. There’s the ache again, that had grown smaller over the last weeks, that he’d been able to ignore all day, that he had barely felt. And now it’s back, stronger, so much stronger than it has been in a while. It’s one thing for Steve to be off gallivanting over the country, trying to get his head back on straight. It hurts to be left behind, but if that’s what he needs, Danny will put his own needs behind.
But he’s missed Grace’s birthday. He could have flown out for a few days before returning to where he left off, there’s nothing holding him back.
And yet he hasn’t. It gives his leave a note of finality. His chapter on Hawaii, closed.
Danny doesn’t notice Grace coming back out, until she sits down next to him, cuddling into his side, as she’s rare to do nowadays. Neither says a word, but then, they don’t need to, do they?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Grace sits in her dorm room, staring up at the ceiling, her foot bobbing up and down. She’s been back for four days now. Her friends here invited her to a night out after she’d gotten back, a belated birthday celebration since they couldn’t be there for her actual birthday.
Now she’s waiting for the third time someone wants to celebrate her birthday. And she is absolutely not sure if she’s looking forward to it, or not.
The thing is, she’s missed Uncle Steve. It feels like he’s been there her whole life, even though she knows that’s not true. But he’s been there for so many important milestones and events. He’s Danno’s best friend, but he never gave her the feeling that he’s just putting up with her for his sake. Not at all. He’s part of the family, he’s more her actual uncle than any of her relatives in New Jersey or, even more so, England. He’s had Danno’s back, has had her back for so long.
She’d never tell her mum this, but Uncle Steve had always been more of a pillar to rely on for her, than Step-Stan. She loves Stan dearly, which is something that she’ll never tell Danno on the other hand, but it’s true. But he’s been away so much and he’s just always been so unsure with her.
Uncle Steve never was. He was there, he was reliable.
Until now.
Danno tells her that she shouldn’t be mad at him for it, that he’s been through hell, and some people need other people to get themselves together, other people need to be away. And she gets that, okay? She does. She’s not mad at him for taking the time he needs.
What she is mad about is that he’s broken her Danno’s heart.
And that’s not something that’s easy to forgive. Not even from her Uncle Steve.
Maybe especially him.
Grace sighs, scrubbing her hands over her face. No use wallowing. She’s gonna meet Uncle Steve today, because no matter how mad she is at him, she also misses him and is not going to miss the opportunity to see him.
An hour later Grace enters the restaurant she’d texted Uncle Steve to meet her at. The moment she sees him though, she stops.
He’s not there alone.
Of course Grace knows that he’s been travelling around with Catherine. But she’d thought…
“Gracie!”
She jerks her eyes back to him. He’s getting up, his big goofy grin splitting his face, heading towards her. She walks over and he pulls her into a tight hug. “Hey, Uncle Steve. I’ve missed you.”
His grip tightens for a second. “Missed you too.”
He pulls back, smiling at her. But his smile is a bit sad now. She looks away, her gaze falling onto Catherine behind him, who’s smiling up to her from her seat. “Hey, Gracie! It’s been a while, I’m so glad to see you again.” Her smile is wide and kind, and in any other circumstances Grace would be happy to see her. She’s always liked Cath.
“Hey, Cath.”
She probably sounds as mulish as she thinks she does, considering that Cath’s smile flickers, turning unsure. Grace turns back towards Uncle Steve, who’s watching them with a slight frown, slowly inching his way towards his aneurysm face. “I’m sorry, but I kinda thought it would just be the two of us?”
She’s being mean and she’s aware of it. She might also feel a slight bit guilty about it, but Catherine has had Steve all to herself for weeks now and who knows for how much longer. She can take a step back for one goddamn afternoon, can’t she? And besides, Grace is still mad. At the both of them. And while she doesn’t want to send Uncle Steve packing, she doesn’t have such compunctions with Cathrine.
“Ah, I’ll just…” Catherine reaches down to grab her purse, getting up. “I’ll meet you back at the hotel, alright?” She smiles at Uncle Steve, then turns towards Grace. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in on your time together. But it is good to see you again.”
With that she leaves and Grace sits down on one of the chairs, Uncle Steve following suit. His frown has now moved entirely into aneurysm face.
“What was that?”
Grace shrugs. “You asked if you could come to visit. You never said she would tag along. And I kind of wanted to spend an afternoon with you, not her. Besides, she’s going to survive not seeing you for a few hours.” Danno has been managing it for weeks now, but that’s not something he seems to care about. And yes, Grace knows she might be unfair, but she doesn’t care.
It takes a while, but after a while they leave the awkward start of their conversation behind and just talk like it’s just another Saturday sitting in front of Kamekona’s shrimp truck.
They spend a fun afternoon exploring the city, Grace showing Uncle Steve all of her favourite places, eating ice cream, catching each other up on some of their experiences. When it starts getting darker Uncle Steve tells her that he’ll drop her of at the dorm. She’s fine taking public transportation and walking, but she’s not going to say no to the offered drive.
After a moment Uncle Steve turns the radio down and glances over at Grace.
“So, you wanna tell me what was going on earlier with Cath?”
“I already told you. I haven’t seen you in ages and I didn’t want anyone crashing in.”
“Yeah, I get that, but usually you’re more polite about stuff like that.”
“Well, usually I’m not mad at you!” Her words are loud in the confined space of the car and her eyes widen. Something flickers in Uncle Steve’s eyes, too quick for her to read in the dark. Danno would know.
His voice is soft, when he asks: “What do you mean?”
Grace huffs, crossing her arms in front of her. “Listen, I know that things have been difficult for you in the last year, okay? Danno’s told me some, and knowing the two of you he’s actually left the really bad stuff out. And he told me why you decided to leave. And it might make sense to you and it might make sense to him, and I might understand some of it. But that doesn’t change that I’m mad at you.”
“Grace-”
“No! You don’t get it, Uncle Steve! I may not know what the hell is going on with you and with Danno, and I may be lucky enough not to have experienced the stuff you’ve gone through, but I know that life can be difficult and just, just shit on you, okay? I know. Trust me, I’ve seen enough stuff already to get that. And you know my family, you know that I know how difficult relationships can be, how messy all that can be.
“But you know what else I know? Family is there for each other. Mine may be weird and broken and stitched together, but even for us that’s always been true. And I thought-” Her voice breaks and she scrubs at her eyes, pretending they’re not watering. “I thought you were part of that family. And- And I’m not sure if you see it that way, because instead of staying with us, with Danno, who’s always had your back you leave us all behind to go wandering around with Cath! And I like her, Uncle Steve, I do, but she’s abandoned you, more than once and you still chose her.”
She rubs her eyes again, looking out of the window when she can’t keep the tears back. It’s got the added benefit of not seeing the hurt look on Uncle Steve’s face any longer.
“Grace, I am incredibly sorry that I made you feel that way.” His voice is chocked up and she feels horrible for being responsible for that. “No matter what else, please believe me, Grace, that you are my family. I lost my family when I was sixteen and it took meeting Danny and you and the team for me to finally feel like I belong again. Me leaving Hawai’i, that’s got nothing to do with you, or Danny, okay? I love you guys and I would have been lost and drowning years ago if not for you.”
But you still chose Cath, she doesn’t say, because they’re both already hurting enough.
They drive the rest of the way in silence. When they reach her dorm Uncle Steve gets out with her, but hesitates in front of her, opening his arms, but not coming closer. It hurts, seeing him so unsure and she is glad she got to say what she did, but she’s also incredibly guilty that she did. She steps into his arms, hugs him tightly, relishing in the feeling of him folding around her. It still gives her the same feeling of safety that it did since the very first hug he gave her.
“Are we okay?”
She nods, not pulling away, holding on for a long time, saving up for all the time she’ll have to go without her family’s hugs.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve stays next to his rental, watching Grace’s retreating back. She turns around and waves, before disappearing inside her dorm. Only then does he move, sitting down, putting the key in the ignition.
He doesn’t turn it. Just stares out of the windshield into the darkening night sky.
He doesn’t regret leaving Hawaii. But he regrets what he’s apparently caused because of it. He can’t get the sound of Grace’s voice breaking, the look of tears in her eyes out of his head. And it’s his fault. She should never be unsure of her place in his life, and yet, that’s exactly what’s happened.
Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, then starts the car and pulls out onto the street. He doesn’t really remember the drive back to the hotel, and it’s probably only his training and experience that keeps him from any crashes.
When he enters their hotel room Cathrine is sitting on her bed, wearing a fluffy white bathrobe, drying her hair on a towel.
“Hey Steve, how was your afternoon?” Her smile is kind and the question genuine, but he can see the hurt that’s lurking.
“It was… strange.” At her questioning look he just huffs, getting back to his feet. “Lets just say it wasn’t you she was actually mad at.”
He goes into the bathroom, getting ready for bed. He can feel her concerned gaze even through the closed door. But she doesn’t prod. She might ask, but she allows him the time to figure it out for himself. Sometimes he’s glad for it, sometimes he isn’t.
They did talk about what this travel together meant for them though. And that’s what Grace got wrong. Yes, Cath was the one that had gotten away. But despite what Danny might believe, he has a sense of self-preservation. Or maybe he’s just learnt from experience with her.
But they’d talked. And they still love each other, probably always will, but they are not going to work. Their chance was over years ago. They’ll never put each other first, there’ll always be something else. There’s so much he’s never told her, even when he wanted to marry her. And she’ll always reach for more. He doesn’t begrudge her that and she’s not mad at him about holding back.
But it’s not what you can base a lasting relationship on. On that, they both agree.
When he gets back out and goes to lie down, there’s a worried slant to her brows, but she doesn’t ask.
She lets it go for another four days. They stay in the next town for two days, than head on. He gets lost in his own head every now and again, but that’s no different from the last few weeks. It’s why he’s left Hawaii to begin with, after all. To think. To figure out where to go from here, figure out what he wants.
So losing himself in thoughts is nothing new. But now the thoughts stop circling around what he’s done and not done in regards to his father, his mother, Joe. What he’s not done for himself. Instead they keep circling about what Grace has said. About Danny’s defeated slump. About what Adam told him, when they last talked. How Danny is getting better, but it’s slow going and how there’s a weight to him that wasn’t there before.
How Danny didn’t say goodbye with the rest, how he didn’t see him off at the airport.
And he wonders, how can he have spend so much time on regrets about people who’s loss he could do nothing about, since he’d lost them so long ago, and not think about the loss that’s solely on his shoulders?
Cathrine lets it go for four days, but on the fifth she sits him down, on their beds opposite of each other, so close their knees almost knock together, determination written all over her face.
“Are you ever going to tell me what Grace was mad about?” Her voice is kind, and he could brush her off. But that’s not brought him anywhere so far, so maybe a change in his approach will make things clearer.
And he doesn’t have Danny here, to pull an answer out of him.
“She was mad because I left. Because of how I left. And that I left with you.”
“Steve… I love Grace, but some of the things you’ve been through-”
“I know, Cath, I know. But she’s not entirely wrong. And… no matter my reasons, I should have gone about it differently.” His chest squeezes tight as he thinks back to the car ride, the tears in Gracie’s eyes, how lost she’d sounded. “She was wondering if saw them as much as family, as they do. And even if leaving was the right decision for me, I should never have allowed that to be what came out of it.”
Cathrine is quiet, observing him.
“Do you regret leaving?”
Steve shakes his head. “No. I couldn’t stay. Not with everything. I would have gone mental, and probably done something really stupid. And then Danny would have yelled at me.” They grin at each other, but it’s half hearted at best. Trying for levity.
“Then what do you think about what she’s said? About you leaving?”
“I don’t know. But I need to make this right, Cath. I need to look after myself, but I can’t hurt them anymore than I’ve already done. I need to make sure they know that me leaving isn’t their fault.”
“And what is it that you want?”
“I just told you.”
“No, you told me what you need. But what do you want?”
“I want my family back.” It breaks out of him without any conscious thought. There’s a lump in his throat and he’s mortified to notice that his eyes are burning.
He looks at her, but there’s no judgement in her eyes,nothing but understanding. She reaches over, her hand covering his. “And which family is that?”
He frowns at her, confused, opens his mouth to answer. Closes it. He yearns and aches for his father, for all the things they never said to each other. For his mother, who taught him magical tricks and read him bedtime stories and was so entangled in her secrets and regrets that she couldn’t dig herself out of her hole again. For Joe who’d tried to be there for him, to be a father figure but who’d always held everything close to his chest, playing his cards without showing them to anyone, had done that even when he’d been dying.
And losing them hurts. But he’d already lost them years ago, hadn’t he? When he’d opened the door to the officer who told them his mother had died in a car accident. He’d lost his family that day.
What’s hurting now is the loss of hope. Because even though Steve has never admitted it to himself somewhere deep inside where the little sixteen year old boy still hides, he had hoped to get that family back, even though it could never have come true. But that hurt has blinded him to what he already has. Because he may have lost his family that day, but he’s found a new one along the way, hasn’t he? Chin, Kono, Max, even though they are all far away now. Noelani, Eric. Lou, Jerry, Kamekona and Flippa. Tani and Junior and Quinn.
And above all, Danny, Grace and Charlie.
And Steve can and should mourn the family he lost so long ago, but he cannot allow that hurt to blind him to what he already has. And what he might be in the process of losing. The family that has been looking after his heart for a literal decade now and has never messed with it.
“What is it you want, Steve.”
And he smiles at her, not caring about the lump in his throat, the burning in his eyes. Sure, for the first time in what feels like months, he says:
“I want to go home.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A car pulls up in front of the house and Danny sighs. He’s gotten a lot better, but every now and again someone will still drop by unannounced to check up on him. Sometimes they even pretend they have a valid reason for being there, but most of the time they don’t bother. He looks mournfully at the TV where there’s a game about to start.
Maybe it’ll be Tani or Lou, he’ll get them to watch it with him.
The doorbell rings, and he groans, but he does get up. He loves his family and they do this because they care. And for all his grumbling and protesting, he is somewhat glad that they do this. Though he won’t tell them that, ever. But he tends to get lonely a lot more often than he used to. With both Grace and Steve gone at the same time, he does find himself with a lot more free time than he knows what to do with.
He heads over to the door pulling it open.
And freezes.
“Can I come in?” Steve looks unsure, and that is all sorts of wrong, Steve never looks unsure when he comes over. He also doesn’t ring the bell, he just barges in. Danny wants to make that look disappear, but all he can do is step aside and blink at him, trying to wrap his mind around Steve being here. He tears his eyes away, looks outside, but there’s no one there, Steve came alone. Danny closes the door, turns around.
Steve stands there, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself, all awkward limbs.
“I didn’t know you were back.”
“Yeah, I… no one really does. It was pretty sudden.”
At that Danny straightens, his gaze focusing, looking Steve over, trying to see what he had missed. “Is everything alright?”
“What? Yes, nothing happened I mean.”
“But? I can hear a ‘but’ in there, Steven.”
“I don’t think everything is alright, is it?” He looks at Danny and there’s so much pain and guilt in his eyes that Danny wants to go over there and hug him.
But he also really wants to hide.
“Who told you?”
Now it’s Steve turn to pull himself up, his awkward demeanour falling away as the military man shows through. “Told me what? Has something happened here? Is everyone alright?”
“Stop, hold up.” Danny raises his hands, as if to physically stop the conversation. “Everything is alright. I think we might be getting our wires crossed. Sit down, you goof, I’m getting us some beer and then we’ll try to talk about whatever this is.”
When he gets back Steve has indeed followed his directions and is sitting down, his eyes on the flickering images of the muted TV. Danny hands him his beer and sits down next to him. He shuts the TV off. He really couldn’t care less about the game right now.
Steve is already looking at him, when he turns back. He’s back to being unsure.
“Alright, let’s start again. Why are you here? Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking glad that you are, but why? Why now? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
And where is Cath? He doesn’t ask.
Steve starts playing with the label of his beer, looking down for a second, before his eyes snap back up, looking straight at Danny. Whatever it is, Steve has never been a coward and he’s apparently not starting now.
“I talked with Grace when I visited her for her birthday. And the day was nice, but when I went to drop her off… well, let’s say she was pretty mad at me.”
“Steve-”
“No, let me finish. She was mad, and she had every right to be.” He scrubs both is hands over his face. “She was mad at me for how I had left, and it made her doubt whether she was as much family as she had always thought she was.”
Danny swallows at that. He knew that Grace had been hurting, but he hadn’t known how much apparently. His anger at how Steve had handled her birthday comes back, but it’s a weak shadow of what it had been then.
“Well?”
“She was right. Not about the family thing!” Steve hurries to assure him. “Never that. But to be mad at me for how I left.”
“Steve. I love Grace, I don’t need to tell you that, but she doesn’t know the shit you’ve gone through, not this past year, and not all the time before that.”
“I know that, Danno. And I don’t regret leaving. I needed the distance to see things clearly. But I regret that I hurt her, with how I left.” His eyes seem to bore into Danny’s. “That I hurt you.”
“I…” Danny turns away, taking a gulp of his beer. “Listen, I’m not mad at you for that.”
“You should be.”
“Well, I’m not.” He pokes at Steve to emphasise the point. “But I want to know, why? We’ve known each other for ten years. We’ve been through hell together. Aside from my kids you’re the most important person in my life. So tell me, how could you go like that? A fucking hug? Not even a real one, not a goodbye, just… leaving?”
That’s what hurts. He’d been hurting, and not just from the bullet wound and Steve had walked away, without even giving him a sense of closure. Everyone else had been able to talk to him, and yes, Danny could have gotten up and followed, but Steve hadn’t really given him the impression that he’d wanted that.
And that still hurts, even weeks later, even when he’s been sure he’d moved on.
“I couldn’t.” Steve shakes his head, looking down, his expression lost. “This last year I lost so much. I lost Joe. I lost my mother and we didn’t resolve anything. She’s gone and I’m still mad at her.” He looks back up at Danny, and Danny’s breath catches at the raw pain he sees. “And then I almost lost you. That’s what I couldn’t deal with. And if I’d said goodbye, it would have been final and I couldn’t, I couldn’t do that.” He swallows, tears in his eyes. “I couldn’t loose you, too, Danny.”
And there’s no conscious thought to it as he puts the beer down and pulls Steve in, hugging him. Steve’s arms come up, clinging to his shirt. “You’re an idiot, Steve, you wouldn’t lose me, you won’t ever lose me, you understand?”
Steve nods, but if Danny knows him and his abandonment issues at all, it will take time to convince that it’s the truth. But they might just be able to get that time now.
Danny cups Steve’s neck, still holding him against himself, basking in the closeness. “Are you staying? Or do you need some more time?”
“I’m good.” His voice is muffled against Danny’s collar, but neither of them pull back.
“That’s a bold faced lie, if I’ve ever heard one, but I’ll take it, for now.”
They stay like that for a while, just breathing, recharging each other. Danny doesn’t know how much time passes until Steve slowly pulls back.
“There’s something else, I need to tell you.” He pulls back completely, and Danny misses the warmth the moment it is gone. He wonders, after all this, whatever it is, it’s probably just as big.
“I thought that I had to leave because of all the losses, because the hits just kept coming and I didn’t protect myself against them. And that’s part of it. But after Doris… after my mother died, I still came back. I came back because you were there for me. But I only left to get my head on straight again, when it was you I was afraid of loosing. And it took me a while to understand that and to understand why.”
Danny barely dares to breath as he looks at Steve’s determined face. “And why, why was it… why?”
“Because you are my home, Danny. All this other shit, it’s broken me, and no amount of time staying away will change that. And I don’t want to be broken anymore,” his voice breaks and he blinks, but marches on, “but even if I could, even if I could change that, it wouldn’t be worth it if it meant losing you.”
And Danny has known this man for ten years, and he’s learnt to read his faces, learnt to read him like an open book. And what he can read there now takes his breath away.
He reaches out, cupping the side of Steve’s neck. “Babe, we’ve both been broken since before we met each other. And we’ve both been broken even more since then. But being with you has sanded all those sharp edges away. We’ll never not be broken, but what does that matter? I’ve got you, and without these edges we wouldn’t be us. We wouldn’t fit together, like we do.”
He pulls him in, pulls him closer and Steve goes willingly. Danny doesn’t bridge the last distance, needs Steve to do that. And he does, and his lips on Danny’s are everything he’s ever wished for and so much more. They pull back and Steve leans his forehead against Danny’s.
“I’m home.”
~*~*fini~*~*