Work Text:
SHUT UP AND BONE BULGE ME NOW
A FANFICTION BY KARKAT VANTAS, TO BE READ ONLY BY KARKAT VANTAS, AND GOD FUCKING HELP ANYONE WHO READS THIS THAT ISN’T KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS
ONE DIM, MOONLIT NIGHT, VRISKA SERKET, THE HUGEST BITCH TO EVER BITCH HUGELY, WAS TAKING A STROLL AROUND THE METEOR LIKE SHE OWNED THE FUCKING PLACE WHEN SHE KNOWS FULL WELL THAT I AM THE LEADER OF THIS SHITTY TEAM AND SHE SHOULD CLEARLY SHOW IT WHEN SHE WALKS AROUND THE METEOR BECAUSE I AM WATCHING OVER EVERYONE FOREVER AND EVERYONE SHOULD FUCKING KNOW IT
WOW, THAT GOT RIGHT THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
ANYWAY, SHE WAS WALKING AROUND WHEN SHE TOOK THE WRONG TRANSPORTALIZER LIKE THE DUMBFUCK BITCH SHE IS, TAKING HER TO GAMZEE’S AREA OF THE BASE. INSTEAD OF TURNING AROUND LIKE A SENSIBLE TROLL, SHE KEPT WALKING, SINGING A MERRY TUNE OF “DURR HURR I AM A DUM8ASS HURP DE DERP.”
AND THEN SHE BUMPED INTO GAMZEE WHO FOR SOME UNGODLY AND MOST LIKELY INSANELY FUCKING STUPID REASON HAD HIS PANTS DOWN. AND HE WAS ALL “DuDe, I'M ToTaLlY FuCkInG StUpId aNd tHiNk i'm kArKaT'S BeSt fRiEnD WhEn i'm cOmPlEtElY FuCkInG NoT! lEt mE AtTaCk yOuR MoThErFuCkInG TiTs aNd sHiT.”
HOLY SHIT HOW THE FUCK DOES GAMZEE TYPE LIKE THAT WHAT THE HELL GODFUCKINGDAMMIT.
ANYWAY, THEN THEY CONFESSED THEIR ETERNAL PITY FOR ONE ANOTHER AND FILLED DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF
“:33 hey karkitty, whatcha writi-oh!”
Karkat’s body seized up reflexively as he heard the high pitched innocent tone of Nepeta’s voice behind him. He put on his best rage face to attempt to cover up the heated blush on his cheeks, turned around, and gave Nepeta the best evil eye he could muster as he yelled, “NEPETA! WHAT IN THE BULGESUCKING FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY RESPITEBLOCK?? I DON’T REMEMBER CALLING FOR AN AUTISTIC CATGIRL TO BE DELIVERED GODDAMMIT. WHOEVER CARTED YOU OVER HERE IS NOT GETTING A FUCKING TIP FROM ME THAT’S FOR GODDAMN CERTAIN.”
Nepeta was not fazed. In fact, she didn’t even pay the mutant blood much attention as she weaved around him and looked up and down his open word processor. “833 karkitty…is this a fanfiction?”
Karkat sputtered at her admittedly accurate question and tried (and failed) to wave her away, screaming in one harried breath, “NO IT ISN’T WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT GO AWAY BEFORE I TOSS YOU OUT OF HERE ON YOUR FUCKING ASS EQUIUS BASED CONSEQUENCES BE FUCKED AND LEFT TO DIE”
The catty troll danced away from his hands and skipped circles around the young leader, merrily chanting, “X33 karkitty writes fanfiction! karkitty writes fanfiction” as loudly as she could, paying no heed to any who could hear her.
“GODFUCKINGFUCK NEPETA GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I USE THE POWER OF MY SCREAMING TO LITERALLY YELL THE INFORMATION OUT OF YOUR HEAD”
“;33 kay! i'll just be leaving meow”. Giving a quick wink and a giggle at her pun, Nepeta sprung out of Karkat’s room, leaving the troll alone with his thoughts.
“UGH, FINALLY. NOW THEN, WHERE WAS…WAIT…” As if on a timer, Karkat’s think pan jumped to the worst case scenario of Nepeta’s absconding from Karkat’s watch. She was out. With this new found information. And she was Nepeta.
Karkat exploded out of his room, yelling after Nepeta as loudly as he could, “NEPETA! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE OR ELSE I’LL…I’LL…FUCK I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF A GOOD ENOUGH THREAT JUST GET BACK HERE FOR FUCK’S SAKE”. Screaming incoherent babble, Karkat chased after the girl as quickly as he could, leaving his private document open and his door unlocked.
As if on cue, another of Karkat’s teammates strode confidently into the sparsely decorated room, looking over the document that seemed to be causing enough of a ruckus to disturb her from her important diary readings. Her nose turned up from the vulgar display. “Ugh, does Karkat REALLY think this kind of shit? What kind of 8astard does he think he is????????”
The girl looked over one part in particular a second time, her eyes narrowing and a smirk spreading on her face. “Although…This part has a 8it of…potential.” Giggling to herself at her newest iron in an old fire, she marched out of Karkat’s block and screamed out, “H8Y GAAAAAAAAMZEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Get the F8CK over here! I’ve got something for you to…attack.” She laughed, barely able to contain her newfound mirth.
And t)(en t)(ey all lived )(APPILY -EV-ER AFT----ER! And t)(ey filled SOOO MANY pails! )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E!!! 3XD Glub glub!
-A fanfiction by F-EF-ERI P-EIX-ES!