Work Text:
To me, you will always be the one who guided me so kindly...
No
My ally through all...
No
My beloved…
No
Yes..my beloved...
I said no.
His eye shining with hope, the blush across his cheek spreading like wildfire, his fingers gently brushing against mine as he placed that gleaming gemstone in my hand...
His gaze met mine, and then I fell. I finally succumbed to the darkness that plagued me like the ghosts of his past, finally admitted defeat against a war that I could not win, finally relinquished the title I had so foolishly held on to: human.
Human.
How could I possibly describe myself with that benevolent word? One given to those like Mercedes, who pour out their beating hearts for the greedy and underhanded. And Annette, who is more than eager to take up the most undesirable jobs in order to lessen the burden of another. Or Dorothea, whose grief-stricken soul did not cease, but rather increased her wildest ambitions to prevent the cycle of poverty from its grinding continuum which she knew oh so well.
No, I was far from human, the complete opposite of everything my students were, my friends were, my loved ones were, my love wa-
A loud clank awoke me from my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. I sighed, and looked up to people I'd never seen toasting in the Goddess' name. Whether commoner or noble, they were all dressed in their best attire, which stretched from simple black shirts to the most extravagant tuxedos and dresses. I turned my head to get a full view of the reception hall. The once dirty and near the brink of destruction space was practically restored, it's tall ceilings making me feel small against the sheer magnitude of the golden chandeliers above me. Waves of azure fabric swirled across the walls, almost moving with the laughter and echoes of the people. The fragrance of Ashe’s roasted goose called to me, the earthy aroma of spices making me drool. I let out a sigh, knowing that it was futile to replay the night before's sequence.
As soon as he placed the ring in my hand, I took a moment to examine the jewelry. Its band, a silver so pure it dared to outshine the moon, adorned with two small emeralds highlighting a larger one seated in between. My thumb ran over the largest one, gliding across its clean-cut edges and sides. It was then that its smooth sailing halted. I lifted it from where it had been stopped, and found a small crack sitting underneath the large stone. At first, I was slightly confused, unsure how someone as meticulous as Dimitri could miss something that was quite noticeable to the bearer. Until I realized what this message truly meant. My heart caught in my throat, my knees going weak at the prophecy unfolding before my very eyes. "He doesn't see you," the demon cooed. "He doesn't know you. All he wants is that mask you've been putting on since Sothis released you from me. But you can never escape me...you can never kill me...I will always be underlying your surface, my craving, your craving, constantly begging you to give in to your desires, before becoming a creature of complete shadow!"
The demon threw his hauntingly narrow head back and roared, his horse form stretching until he towered over me. I gulped at the sheer size of the beast, his curved horns gleaming a sinister shine at their points to boast their lethal assurance. His crimson slits pierced my own like a sheet of ice as I trembled under his gaze, his disgusting face sneering in amusement.
"Whatever is the matter Ciara? Don't you want to be true to yourself? Don't you want to be seen as you truly are, and not just some goddess spawn? Isn’t that all you wanted my dear?” Shivers ran down my spine at the term of endearment. “After all," his dark fangs contorted into a wicked grin, "Your mercenary days are the only ones that proclaim your true title, your only title: The Ashen Demon."
Those words had broken what was left of my already-still heart, shattering across space and time into millions of pieces that could never be restored. My mind exploded, too weak to salvage all that I had just lost. My hand immediately thrusted the token back into his hand before I ran out of the sacred tower. I didn’t belong in such a beloved place, where thousands of people made the pilgrimage to worship the divine being of the land from across the continent. Where Dimitri had made that promise to me, the one that we’d be together forever…
I shook my head again, this time reprimanding myself much more firmly. If I was to be the new Archbishop and take on the future of Fodlan to restore its war-torn state to an age of prosperity, I could not think about the distant choices of my past. I knew better than anyone about how some of the best choices for a country were the most devastating to the soul.
Hearing the violinists pick up their serenade, I decided that it was time to retire for night. Sothis knew I would already have a mountain of papers waiting for me by daybreak, and the last thing I needed was to be sleep-deprived during my first day as Rhea’s successor. Staying close to the walls, I quietly made my way towards the exit while simultaneously trying to avoid any pious noble who wished to ask me my perspective on the value of commoners and the importance of Crests on their family’s history.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I closed the doors behind me, sending a silent prayer of gratitude to the goddess. The breeze rustled my hair in response, while fireflies winked little specks of gold at me. My feet suddenly started moving me towards the bridge, the peace of the evening luring me closer. The night sky glimmered with a thousand stars, a collection of sequins on a pitch-black canvas. The sounds of arguments and laughter slowly faded away, until there was nothing but stillness in the great void.
Out of nowhere my foot collided with something hard, shooting pain through my toes. I let out a cry of shock and a string of curse words before lifting my foot up in pain. I pulled my eyes from the sky to find myself confronted by the cathedral’s steps, revealing the culprit of my stubbing. I sat down on the steps and gently cradled my foot, trying to deduce whether or not I had broken anything. Thankfully everything felt connected, though I suspected my two largest toes would swell to the size of potatoes as soon as I took my boot off.
Unlike Rhea’s attire, mine was much more suited to my personality with a two-piece white dress accented with gold and purple designs around the high collar, with matching ones adorning the belt. Violet ankle boots topped off the look with golden thread spun into a pair of criss-crossed lillies at the heel. Mercedes had added the lilies as a way to remind me that no matter what path I took to take a break for myself and “don’t forget to smell the flowers.” I snorted, imagining how horrified she’d be if she knew where my mind had been since then.
An echo from behind me suddenly made me jump to my feet and forget about Mercie’s craftsmanship. My brow furrowed in confusion.
No one should be in the cathedral at this time of night; the ceremony’s been over for hours.
Slowly, I headed up the cathedral steps to investigate. I pressed my ear against a thin part of the stone wall, hoping to catch whoever I had heard in the act. The noise started again, immediately identifying itself as voices.
“-Sylvain, I have had enough of your chatter for the night; Please, either drop this topic or retire to the banquet.”
Dimitri
My heart clenched.
“I’m sorry Your Majesty, but I refuse to let up on something this ridiculous,” the redhead’s voice replied, “You told her exactly how you feel, and she didn’t even respond, much less agree! There’s gotta be more to it than her just running out on ya; there’s no way she would say no to your proposal like that.”
Bile rose up in my throat, forcing me to cover my mouth to keep from retching all over the churchyard.
They were talking about my proposal.
“Your Majesty,” Dedue’s deep voice cut through my thoughts. “Though I am not conversant in matters such as these, I must agree that the Professor’s response was indeed quite abnormal, and is most likely resulted from an unknown occurrence.”
“I agree, Dimitri,” Mercedes continued, “Ciara’s had feelings for you for a long time, so for her to be so cold just doesn’t seem right.”
“Yeah, you’ve been close, Your Majesty; there’s no way she wouldn’t agree to your proposal, after all you two’ve been through,” Annette urged.
“Be-besides, Ciara’s always been so kind and considerate of others’ feelings, she wouldn’t just turn you away like that without saying something,” Ashe continued.
One by one I begin hearing the voices of my former students giving Dimitri their take on his proposal. Caspar. Dorothea. Ferdinand. Lindhardt. Ingrid. Even Felix joined the conversation with his take on the reason for my rejection. Dedue’s grilled salmon churned inside me, threatening to make its way back up the way it came. I began to turn around when I heard Dimitri’s booming voice cut through the chaos like a knife, sending the fish back to its .
“Please, all of you, I beg you to give it a rest. Ciara clearly does not wish to marry me, so she did not wish to reply. She does not need to respond if she chooses not to,” his voice cracking slightly, making my heart sink.
“I did not offer her that ring in an attempt to force her into a bond with me that would last a lifetime; I simply did it to declare my feelings and express how I truly feel about her. I appreciate your concern, but please do not tarry over it. It is a moment of the past, one which I can no longer reverse.”
Silence filled the air for a second before he continued.
“Tonight is a night of celebration. Now please go my friends, and rejoice our victory and cherish your time together.”
My heart was dropping by the second, hearing the fake smile he’d plastered on in his words.
He thinks I rejected him? Well, of course that's what it looked like! You freakin’ ran out on him…
Someone’s sigh cuts into my thoughts.
“Dimitri,” Sylvain’s voice started, “I-”
“I appreciate your concern Sylvain, truly, but like I’ve said, there’s nothing to be done,” Dimitri cut him off softly, “It's alright my friend, please don’t concern yourself with my well-being. I have been through war, after all.”
“Yeah, just like the rest of us Boar,” Felix sneered.
I could almost hear Ingrid begin to scold him when Annette’s voice interrupted,
“Your Majesty, could we see the ring?”
The whole world had gone still at that moment. My heart loosened at the farfetched inquiry.
Surely he still wouldn’t have it with him. After all he’d-
Dorothea’s and Mercie’s gasps broke through the still air.
“Oh Dimitri…” Mercedes breathed.
“It’s absolutely stunning,” Dorothea sighed, “Where did you get such an incredible ring like that?”
He...he still had it with him?
“His Majesty went to that blacksmith in town back after we rescued Derdriu and asked for the finest ring he could craft!” Sylvain cut in, his voice dramatizing the whole affair.
“One that would capture her beauty, and reflect the stars in her eyes, and- ow!” Sylvain cried.
“Do you ever get tired of flabbing that mouth of yours Sylvain? It does you no good to keep smacking those lips of yours, especially against His Majesty,” Ingrid snapped.
“You’d do well to remember that he is your king now, not some strumpet you play with for a one-night indulgence.”
“Ingrid, how dare you squeeze those women into some meaningless box only good for one date! I’ll have you know I’ve been seeing this cute brunette for three nights now…”
“Don’t you two ever get tired of fighting like an old couple?” Felix snapped.
“Only if we run out of things to fight about, which as we all know, won’t happen anytime soon,” Sylvain replied slyly.
I could almost hear Felix roll his eyes.
“The gems are amazing,” Annette interrupted the trio’s feud, “They compliment her eyes so well.”
“What is that inscribed on the inside?” Dorothea asked.
I could almost feel my unbeating heart stop.
There had been an inscription?
“It’s an emblem…a reflection of her spirit through my own eyes,” Dimitri almost whispered.
My eyes widened.
“It has been some time ago that I realized how deeply and maddeningly I had fallen for her, and it was confirmed that my affections were not just the whim of a student-teacher relationship.”
My jaw nearly hit the ground.
“Even in my darkest hours, she stood by my side. Despite my reckless behavior and constant abuse, she never turned her back on me, or allowed me to continue down my blood-stained path alone.”
“With every death I collected, I was certain that she would be repulsed by my disgusting nature, and eventually abandon me as an unredeemable cause.”
Dimitri’s voice cracked, taking a moment before he continued.
“Yet, despite all that she saw, all the corpses I piled up, all the demonic crimes I committed, all the pain I caused you all, caused her…”
I could almost see the tears running down his cheeks, as I realized that my own face was now sparkling under the moonlight.
He sighed, slow and excruciatingly, like a wounded animal resigned to its fate. Grief stabbed my heart, letting old wounds that should have died long ago reopen.
“She watched me crumble until I was nothing more than a beast, and yet she still reached out to me. She accepted me when I was certain any ounce of humanity remaining in me had been destroyed by my conquest for revenge. She willingly held out her hand, greeted me with open arms, and a heart abundantly pouring out love and compassion.”
“Despite the fact that my journey to becoming a man again was circuitous and erratic, she continued to support me and guide me back to the light, while carrying an entire nation on her shoulders after a half decade of slumber. In truth, I believe she has saved countless lives in addition to my own. And it is that generosity and warmth that I have fallen in love with, and wished to revere and adore for all of my days.”
My entire body was frozen with shock, my mind whirling like a hurricane. The spell seemed to be somewhat relieved by Mercedes’ and Dorothea’s sniffles, clearing not the only ones moved by the young King’s words.
“He still doesn’t see who you truly are,” the demon sneered, “A beast…”
“However, I do not want her to think that I view her as a flawless goddess, untouchable and completely whole; like all of us, she has fought through pain and strife in order to return to us and encourage us to carry on, even though she has carried her own burdens, ones which most of us could not even hope to understand.”
My heart seized.
“I visited the jeweler in town and we produced a design that would mirror both her beauty and scars that I admire so deeply.”
Dimitri chuckled as my eyes began to fill with tears.
“I am not gifted in such matters, but thankfully he understood my vision, and engraved it underneath the stone, so that she would always be reminded of how deep my affection into her, and that I truly love her wounds and demons, and would chase away her fears.”
My heart rose up in my throat, so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t wipe away the tears as they rolled freely down my cheeks.
Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Can it really be true, that he’s known me, known who I was, all along?
“Your Majesty…” Ingrid started.
“Ok, that’s it,” Caspar yelled, causing my tears to freeze on my face as I jumped.
“I’m gonna go find Ciara and tell her how much you mean to her,” Caspar cried, “I’ll ask her why she turned ya down, and we’ll finally get you two together, right where you belong!”
“Caspar, His Majesty just explained to us that he doesn’t want us meddling with his and Ciara’s relationship,” Ashe tried to persuade him.
“Aw, c’mon Ashe! Haven’t ya ever heard of a “misunderstanding?” She probably didn’t realize that this crack was supposed to be a tie to their connection, and probably got it in her crazy thoughts like she wasn’t good enough for him.”
Wait, was the crack I saw the symbol?
“So, all we gotta do is find her, explain to her what the ring means, and they’ll live happily ever after!”
Protesting broke about between them, growing harder to distinguish the voices and who was saying what. Ingrid was yelling, Lindhart began yawning, and I couldn’t even tell what-
The cathedral door opened and Caspar stepped out, sending my heart into a dead stop. I prayed that he wouldn’t notice me.
“Oh, hey Ciara, you’ve got pretty good timing,” Caspar grinned as his eyes locked with mine.
The entire cathedral became quiet.
“I’m sure you had a good reason for turnin’ down Dimitri, but I don’t think you’re being very honest with yourself about how you feel. You two have been through a lot together these last five years, what with you sleeping and Dimitri on his homicidal path, and ya both have found comfort and care in each other.”
“Then, when Dimitri finally proposes to you, ya turned him down without givin’ him a proper response! So-”
Ferdinand placed his hand on Caspar’s shoulder, interrupting the headstrong general’s sermon.
“Caspar, I do not think it wise to pretend that-” his eyes looked in my direction, immediately widening.
“Oh, Ciara...I...did not think you were actually there…”
Caspar yanked Ferdinand’s grip off.
“Would ya stop interrupting me when I’m tryin’ to help people Ferdinand? Geez, you’re just causin’ more trouble for everyone.” he rolled his eyes before turning back to me.
“Anyhow Ciar-”
A smaller figure rushed out the door this time, nearly tripping over Ferdinand’s long legs.
“Baaah!” Annette stumbled, Ferdinand swiftly catching her in his arms.
“Annette, are you alright?” he asked earnestly.
“Oh, I’m fine Ferdinand,” the redhead replied, retreating from his grasp. As soon as she got to her feet, her gaze swung in my direction.
“Ciara, you’ve gotta come look at the ring. I know you’ve already seen it, but I think you need to give it another look,” her periwinkle spheres piercing my own, begging me to come.
Before I could reply, she grabbed my hand and dragged me into the hallowed space behind her.
The cathedral took on an ethereal quality at night, though I had little time to bask in its glory. Annette pulled me to its center where the Lions were gathered. She yanked the ring out of Dimitri’s open hand and thrusted it into mine.
“Look inside Ciara, Dimitri had an inscription carved in it for you.”
I looked down at the ring, its cold metal weighing more than any load I’d ever carried. The gemstones reflected the moonlight glowing in from the stained glass, scattering green spectrals of light across my skin. Nerves of uncertainty and hope collided, making it almost impossible for me to flip the ring onto its side; my sticky fingers fumbled as I rotated it until the underbelly became exposed to the night air. Peeking inside, I saw that there was indeed a small carving where I thought there had been a fissure. I looked at it more closely and gasped, my hand covering my mouth. A dragon was perched atop a heart, its serpentine body coiled around the base. Claws grasped its domain as if to protect it, while others were raised in motion, ready to strike whoever dared to approach it. Flowers sat on either side of its head, replicating the sharpness of its fangs and reflecting the complexity in the demon, the creature single-minded in its heart’s desires.
Tears pricked my eyes, a sob escaping from my lips. This design, this carving, this dream...everything about it reflected my dreams. It echoed the cries of my heart, the pain of my mind, the demons trapped in my soul...it was all me. It was always me he saw.
“Ciara…”
I looked up from my realization to find the man of my dreams looking down, his lone eye filled with a mixture of guilt and self-loathing.
“I apologize for bringing you into this. You did not need to come humor me, especially when it would upset you so…” he voice trailed off.
“You have already given me your answer, and I do not wish for you to marry me out of pity or a sense of moral obligation. I will not hold a grudge against you for your decision; it is yours to make, as is your life to give to someone if you decide to. I will forever be grateful for all that you have done for me, and for my kingdom, and nothing will ever change my mind.” he gave a small smile that nearly broke my heart.
“I’m sure the nobles are anxiously awaiting your re-entry, and wish to speak with you about future plans for the church. Please, go enjoy yourself tonight, my friend.”
Resigned to my rejection, he turned away to go back into the shadows of his former classmates. My hand grasped his before he was out of reach.
“No Dimi,” his figure stiffened at the nickname. “That’s not it at all.”
I reached out to cup his cheek and turned his face towards me.
“I didn’t mean to reject you,” I averted my gaze to my feet. “I saw the crack at the base and assumed it was a sign from the gods that I wouldn’t be able to keep up my perfect act forever, and when I would break, you would be disgusted by how abdominal of a creature I am,” my voice cracked, and I took a moment to steady myself.
“But this symbol...that’s me! That’s the monstrous me that I know will always be there, lurking in the dark, waiting to come out. That’s the me that’s colder than ice and has a grave desire for the blood and destruction of all creatures, in this life and the next.”
I swallowed thickly.
“That’s the me I was so afraid of you hating that I tried to murder it, but in the end only failed. I resigned to this fate that the gods have chosen me for, the life of a demon hybrid freak, unlovable and incapable of love herself.”
I glanced up at Dimitri, the shadows hiding his face.
“You said you were going to protect me and you meant it. You said you were going to support me and you meant it. You said you were going to be there for me and you meant it. You knew exactly who you were talking about, who you were promising to defend for the rest of your life.”
“Dima, of course I love you. Goddess,” I shook my head, “I’ve always loved you.”
I threw my arms around him next, holding his body tightly against mine. Silence filled the cathedral, the empty halls clung to this moment. I pulled my head away from his shoulder, and looked up into his face. Tears were streaming down his lone sphere, that vast summer sky filled with a mixture of disbelief and joy.
“Ciara….” his voice cracked.
I cupped my hand under his cheek, my thumb swiping away the tears.
“I mean it,” I replied, knowing what he was going to say, “I love you Dimitri. With everything I am.”
His lips curved into a grin, heat radiating from his cheek and nearly burning my hand.
I chuckled and mimicked his action, shyly moving away from his gaze.
“See, I told ya!” Caspar gloated, causing us both to jump.
Sylvain approached us, grinning from ear to ear.
“Congratulations, you two. It was about time you two got together, after stealing so many looks at her during our gambit lectures, Your Majesty,” Sylvain said smugly, giving a wink accordingly.
The heat underneath my hand increased. I glanced over at Dimitri to see his cheeks stained beet red.
“That’s enough Sylvain,” Dedue growled.
“We can’t gloat about his obsession with her now,” Felix smirked, “There will be plenty of time for that at the wedding.”
Annette appeared from nowhere and threw her arms around us.
“Oh, I’m so happy for both of you,” she squealed before letting go, “You two both deserve each other and deserve to be happy.”
“Yes,” Mercedes came beside me and grasped my hand. “You both have endured so much suffering, and you both deserve each other.”
My own cheeks grew warm from her remarks.
“Thanks Mercie.” I replied, embracing her in a sisterly hug.
The rest of the Lions joined in, and so we began conversing about wedding dates and past lasts. While I was discussing hairstyles with Dorothea, a sudden thought came to my mind. I turned to find Dimitri being roasted by Sylvain, and put a hand on his arm, his head turning towards me.
“I need to get something,” I whispered, “I’ll be right back.”
He nodded, sending me on my way.
I sprinted out the doors and straight to my dormitory. Opening the doors, I dug through my drawer for the trinket I was searching for. I spotted it in the back, and snatched it before running back to the cathedral.
Ignoring Sylvain’s jabs at my leaving Dimitri again, I held out my hand to show him what I had brought.
His pale face turned curiously to me.
“What is this?” he asked
“It was my mother’s,” I explained. “Before my father died, he told me that it was meant to be mine, and that I should give it to someone who means as much to me as she did to him.”
His eye widened, earning snickers from Sylvain and Felix.
“Yes, I see...right. In that case, may we exchange them?”
I nodded, feeling the grin on my face grow.
He pulled off his glove, allowing me to place the ring of my mother over his calloused finger. Knowing Dimitri’s hands trumped the size of my mother’s, I tried slipping it onto his smallest finger. It fit like a glove.
Miraculously, I had somehow held on to Dimitri’s ring throughout all of this. He gently took it from mine, almost asking me permission with his gestures. Before he placed it on my finger however, he removed his other glove. He looked at me, questioning whether I’d be alright with what he was asking. My heart melting from his kindness, I smiled and gave a reassuring nod. Satisfied, he returned a small grin of his own. He grasped my wrist with one hand, making my heart flutter, before carefully slipping the ring onto my finger. The cool metal glided along my skin, my breath catching as his fingers grazed mine. I could feel the crest underneath, my heart still in shock that he had seen the real me all along.
Once he finished placing the ring, his hand lingered on mine, causing moths to flutter in my stomach.
“Your hands,” he said, his thumb running gently across my fingers. “Now that I hold them within my own, I see how small and fragile they are.”
Heat rushed to my cheeks.
“These hands that have saved me countless times...thank you, my beloved.”
My knees went limp at his sweet endearment.
“And thank you,” I grinned, watching his face reflect mine, “for loving me like I love you.”