Work Text:
Kathryn crawled along the Jefferies tube, stopping occasionally to adjust the heavy pack she carried. Chakotay was right behind her, though he didn't know he was Chakotay, and she wasn't sure if his presence comforted her or unnerved her. She paused and stifled a curse when she saw the access door ahead of her. In her haste to get to sickbay to disrupt the neural implants, she'd forgotten that this tube opened into the corridor. They'd either have to cross the corridor and re-enter the tube on the opposite side, or backtrack quite a distance and find another route. With another stifled curse, she realized that all the alternate routes she could think of had been damaged or destroyed by the Hirogen's 'remodeling' of Voyager. Backtracking wasn't an option.
"Something wrong?" Chakotay's voice was a little louder and rougher than she was used to, yet another reminder that he really wasn't her first officer at the moment. She wished for the thousandth time that he was; she really needed his take on the situation, not to mention his steadfast support. His sense of optimism wouldn't hurt either, she mused. She shifted so that she could see him over her shoulder.
"We're going to have to break cover and make a short dash across... to another tunnel," she finished after a pause. How the hell are you going to explain Voyager's corridors to him, Kathryn? she thought to herself, but she realized he'd probably accept whatever she told him. After all, he was crawling through "escape tunnels" that were centuries ahead of his mindset. "This tunnel leads up into... an old hospital," she added, trying to imagine something that would look sterile to him. "We'll have to run across the hallway and get to the tunnel on the other side. I'm going to see if there are any Hirogen around."
He frowned. "Hirogen?" he asked confusedly, his voice stumbling over the unfamiliar syllables. Kathryn closed her eyes briefly. Katrine. You are Katrine, you come from the 20th century and you are not fighting the Hirogen. You're fighting the German army. Remember that!
"Nazis," she said curtly. "Hirogen is... a French term for them."
He frowned again, looking at her strangely. "I've heard them called many, many things, but I've never heard that one before."
"It's... regional," she said desperately. "We only use it in this area..." How true that is!
Chakotay nodded grudgingly, and she turned away from him. There was a hint of distrust in his eyes, and she couldn't handle that right now. Crouching by the access door, she raised her weapon and very slowly pushed the door ajar with her other hand, peering out.
"Shit," she hissed, and she felt rather than saw his surprise. She half-glanced over her shoulder, looking into his wide, dark eyes. Guess even 'gung-ho gals' don't use that kind of language...
"There's a patrol," she whispered.
"How many? We can -- "
"No! There's too many. We'll have to wait," she said, pulling the door shut again. She grabbed his arm, ignoring his surprised jerk, and glanced at the chronometer on his wrist. She prayed that the Alpha Hirogen prided himself on authenticity when it came to Nazi military practices. "If this is right, the patrol will change in half an hour. We'll do it then; they'll be slightly less vigilant."
"Can we wait that long?"
"We don't have a choice," she said flatly, and he nodded grimly. She moved around until she was sitting, leaning against the bulkhead, and she placed the heavy pack carefully beside her. Chakotay mimicked her, sitting against the opposite wall.
He eyed her openly, assessing her, and she ordered herself not to blush under his stare. She tried to focus on her plans to destroy the controls in sickbay, but she'd gone over them repeatedly on the long crawl through the tubes. Thinking of them now was not enough of a distraction from his nearness. He's not Chakotay! she reminded herself, but that didn't help either. He looked like Chakotay, sat like Chakotay... he even smelled like Chakotay. After a few moments, he stopped staring at her and glanced around at their surroundings.
"So where are we again?"
"We're in the escape tunnels. Under St. Claire."
His eyes flicked back to her, somewhat suspiciously. He touched the warm bulkhead behind him, and she knew he was comparing it to all of the metals he knew.
"Don't look like any tunnels I've ever seen," he muttered.
Please, Chakotay, don't stop trusting me now! He'd followed her into the tubes from the holodeck without a word. He hadn't even balked much at the sight of Neelix and his fellow Klingons. Now, though, he had a chance to breathe, and she could tell his instincts were telling him something wasn't right. If he tried to stop her or refused to go along with her, they could have real problems. She needed his help, and besides, stopping him wouldn't be nearly as simple as stunning him into unconsciousness with a phaser. The only weapons they had would do painful, grisly, and probably permanent damage. She took a deep breath.
"We, uh, borrowed materials from the Nazis to reinforce them. Our little cell is very... resourceful."
He gazed at her for a moment longer, and she held her breath. Finally, he shrugged and nodded. There was silence for a few moments, and she could feel herself tensing up. She was used to sitting with Chakotay in silence, but there was so much about this situation that was familiar and yet, so different. When he spoke suddenly, she tried to control her startled reflex.
"So, how'd a dame like you get involved in the resistance?"
She scowled briefly at his characterization of her, and though he smiled, she could see the wariness in his eyes. He was still testing her, and she had to be very careful. She tried to recall everything she'd ever heard or read about the conflict Captain Miller risked his life in everyday.
"The Nazis... they sweep into France and they take our land and occupy our towns. They eat our food, drink our wine, sleep in our beds. They kill our men, they rape our women, and they shoot at our children for fun." As she spoke, Kathryn realized for the first time how aptly the 24th century Maquis had named themselves. She'd heard everything she was saying before, during the rare times Chakotay spoke with her about the Cardassians and his homeworld. Her eyes blazed with anger, for the French peasants she was representing, for him and his devastated home, and certainly not least of all, for her crew and her world here on this ship. "I will not let them take St. Claire!"
He looked taken aback by her anger, but after a few moments, he nodded solemnly. "I understand. If I were in your position, I'd do everything I could to make sure the Nazis didn't get my hometown," he replied, and she nearly laughed. You have no idea! she thought, hiding her grin.
"That's why I'm here," he said. "I don't want my kids growing up speaking German."
She nodded back, and silence fell again. When he looked back up, the wariness was gone from his eyes, and they were sparkling with mischief.
"What's your name again, honey?"
She bristled. "It certainly isn't honey."
He laughed, and her heart constricted as his dimples flashed. "I like you, Madame..." He tilted his head toward her, clearly an invitation to fill in the blank.
"Katrine. And it's Mademoiselle."
Chakotay's eyes widened. "You aren't married? You run that club all by yourself?" He eyed her speculatively again; she couldn't read the look in the eyes she knew so well, and that made her nervous.
"No, I'm not married. But that doesn't mean I'm -- "
He laughed again, amused by her too-quick response.
"Don't worry, honey. I won't say I'm not interested -- I'm not blind! You're quite a looker! But I've got a little woman, and while that wouldn't stop some of my men," he said with a chuckle, "My Anna's more than enough for me."
His eyes softened as he remembered something, and Kathryn felt her heart thud painfully in her chest. Even though the woman he was remembering wasn't real, that fact wasn't evident by his tender expression. It was a look she recognized, but she hadn't seen it in quite a while. Now it was back, but it wasn't for her.
"You're married," she said softly, and he glanced up.
"Five years," he answered. "Got a little boy. Eddie. He's three," he said with a proud smile, which faded slowly, replaced by a look of longing. Kathryn recognized that look too. It was the same ache she saw in Chakotay's eyes every time he mentioned his parents or his sisters, and it tore at her heart.
"You must miss them very much."
"Yes," he said quietly, and then he looked up, flushing slightly. Kathryn could tell he was embarrassed to have admitted that to her, and she smiled wistfully. It had been a long time since Chakotay had been uncomfortable about showing his love for his family in front of her.
He blinked and cleared his throat. "Well, Mademoiselle Katrine," he said brightly, trying to hide his suddenly melancholy mood, "Why aren't you married? You can't tell me you don't have more than your fair share of suitors."
She arched an eyebrow at him. "That's a rather personal question, Captain."
"James."
"Sorry?"
"My name is James." He shrugged. "All my men call me Captain. It'd be nice to have somebody call me James again."
She smiled briefly. I know the feeling! "All right, James."
He grinned at her, and her pulse quickened. She hadn't seen this many open smiles from Chakotay in quite a long time. "I didn't mean to get personal," he said apologetically. "Just trying to pass the time until your, what did you call 'em? Your... Hirogen... take a hike."
To her surprise, she found herself answering him. "It's okay. No need to apologize. To be honest, I truly don't have many suitors." She smiled and added softly, "Just one." What are you doing? Why are you telling him this?
"Really?"
"You sound surprised." It must be his candor. I'm used to talking to Chakotay openly when he's this frank and not trying to hide his feelings. That must be it.
"Well, yes. He must be serious, then, to warn off all the competition."
"Oh yes, he's very serious."
He frowned at her. "If you've got such a serious suitor, why haven't you married him?"
"I... We..." she floundered, having no idea how she could explain it in a way that Captain Miller could understand.
There was silence for several seconds as he watched her and tried to figure out what she was having trouble saying. Then, his eyes lit up in gleeful comprehension. "Ah. So, you aren't married, but you and he..."
He smiled, and though it wasn't a salacious grin, his intent was clear. She blinked, surprised.
"No," she said, and then she realized that what was a normal situation for many couples on Voyager would be fairly scandalous for Miller.
"No! It's not like that at all!" she clarified quickly, feeling her cheeks redden.
He shrugged. "I wouldn't think badly of you if it were. Things are different in France and, to be honest, it wouldn't even surprise me in America."
"It's not like that," she repeated quietly. "Ch -- He and I," she said, reluctant to use his name. It was as if using it would break this strange spell and she would discover that this really was Chakotay she was talking to. "We... we don't have an intimate relationship."
Liar! part of her mind screamed. You do too have an intimate relationship! It's the most intimate relationship you've ever had with anybody! You just don't have sex with him.
She smiled sadly. "We've never even kissed."
His eyebrow shot up. "Is he crazy?"
Kathryn stared at him. "What?"
He looked her over, letting his gaze wander thoroughly over her body. After a few seconds, he raised one hand in a 'look at you' gesture. "You're a beautiful woman, Katrine. You call him a serious suitor, so he must have shown his interest one way or another, and unless I'm completely wrong, you feel something for him. So he must be crazy if he hasn't at least tried to steal a few kisses."
"It's not that simple."
"What's so complicated about it?"
"He would never... try to steal a kiss," she said. "He would never... show that kind of interest without my permission... and I haven't given it to him."
"Ah. So you don't love him, then."
"No! I mean... I don't... I do love him."
He chuckled. "You sound sure of yourself."
God, this is hard! In all the times she'd fantasized about admitting her love for Chakotay and discussing with him their convoluted relationship, she'd never imagined that he would be watching her with nothing more than idle curiosity in his eyes. She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration.
"It's not that I don't love him. I can't allow myself to love him." She sighed. "And to tell you the truth, I don't even know how he feels about me anymore."
She looked up at him, and despite the sadness her last words had caused her, she almost laughed. The look he was giving her was the same look she had seen on Chakotay's face when he was contemplating a spatial anomaly or a particularly obscure report. It said, Okay, I don't completely understand this, but I will figure it out if it kills me.
"All right," he said slowly, and she watched, fascinated, as one hand came up to tug at his earlobe. There was so much of Chakotay in the gesture that she had to swallow hard to get rid of the lump in her throat. "I'm... I'm not real good at talking about love, but maybe I can... maybe I can try to help you." Before she could answer, he asked, "You think he loved you at one time?" When she nodded, he asked, he asked. "How do you know? Did he tell you?"
"No," she murmured. Liar. "He... he's never said the words."
"He showed you, then."
"Yes."
"How?"
Kathryn smiled, but the smile turned enigmatic as she thought of Chakotay. "He... I could see it in his eyes and his smile every time he looked at me. He used to smile at me in a way that he never smiled at anyone else. He makes sure I eat and rest when I work too hard to take care of myself. He... he does so many little things that make my job easier. He argues with me when it's necessary, when I'm in danger of putting others or especially myself at risk. He's the only one who makes me feel better when I'm feeling... lonely." She chuckled briefly, but it was a sad sound. "There's so much... I could never even begin to tell you." She looked back at him, surprised to find him smiling at her.
"What?"
"Did you hear what you just said?"
"No..."
"He makes sure you eat and rest... he argues with you... he comforts you. None of that sounds like it's in the past. He still does all that?" he asked, and when she nodded, he added, "Then what makes you think he's stopped loving you?"
His question was so earnest that for a moment she wondered if there was some part of Chakotay that was fighting to make himself known. She nearly panicked until she realized that if that were the case, she would remember her time as Katrine. She breathed a sigh of relief but jumped when he said, "Katrine?"
"I..." She closed her eyes to stop the tears from welling up. "I never see it in his eyes or his smile anymore."
"Never?"
She thought very carefully before answering. "Hardly ever," she realized with a tiny grain of hope, but it faded when he spoke again.
"Have you ever told him how you feel? Ever showed him?"
"I've never told him... I try... I try so hard not to show him," she whispered, feeling ashamed when she finally admitted it aloud. "I can't."
"Why can't you?"
"I just can't."
"Not an answer. If you never tell him or show him, maybe the reason you never see it anymore is that he's hiding it. Maybe he thinks you don't want to see it. Maybe he's trying to give up. A man can only take so much indifference before he decides that it's not worth the time or the pain."
"No..." she whispered.
"Well," he said impatiently. "Tell him then. Give him a reason not to give up."
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"I told you, it's not that simple!" she snapped, and her eyes blazed briefly with anger before she turned away from him. She wasn't quick enough, however, to keep him from seeing the tears that spilled down her cheeks. After a moment, she turned back, wiping hastily at her face, to see him staring at her. His dark eyes were surprised and apologetic.
"Hey... I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to upset you... I bark out orders all day long, and sometimes I think I've forgotten how to have a normal conversation."
"I completely understand."
"You do?"
She smiled. "I'm a... I'm the leader of a resistance cell, remember?" she asked, and she thought, Boy, Chakotay would get a kick out of that! "I give orders too."
He chuckled. "Yeah... I guess I didn't think about that. Are you all right, Katrine?"
"I'm fine."
"I really am sorry. I was trying to help; I told you, I'm not very good at this sort of discussion. I guess I was hoping... I see horrible things every day," he said softly, and the haunted look in his eyes made her heart pound. It was a look she'd seen in Chakotay's eyes often in the first days on Voyager, and she still saw it occasionally in unguarded moments. He saw her watching him, and he looked down. "I was just... I don't know you, but I wanted to help you... maybe your happiness would make up for some of the evil in this world, you know?"
He looked back up to see her gentle smile, and his face flushed painfully red under his bronze skin. "I... Forget I said anything. It's stupid."
His eyes widened when she placed her hand over his. "No. No, it's not stupid. Not at all, Cha -- " She stopped and took a deep breath. "It's very noble, James. Thank you for trying to help me... but it's -- "
"Not that simple. I know," he said with a tiny grin, and she returned his smile.
"No, it isn't. The truth..." she started with a sigh. "The truth is... loving him is against the rules. I can't explain the rules to you, but they do exist."
He stared at her. "There are rules against you loving this man?"
"Yes. He's... he's an employee."
Comprehension lit his features for a second. "Oh," he said, and she sighed in relief, but it was cut off when he frowned again. "But... that doesn't make any sense. All you have to do is marry him and then you can run the club together, right?"
Kathryn felt like growling in frustration. She closed her eyes, trying to figure out what to say. "Ah, what the hell am I doing?" she muttered to herself. "I can't even tell you the truth when you won't remember it. I can't even tell myself the truth, apparently."
"Katrine? What are you talking about?" he asked, and she glared at him.
"That's not the truth at all," she said angrily, and she wasn't sure if she was angry at him or at herself, or at something else entirely. "The truth... the real truth is, I'm scared to love him," she finished quietly. It was the first time she had ever admitted the words aloud, and to her surprise, she felt twenty kilos lighter just for saying them.
"What are you so scared of? It's obvious you love him, and from what I've heard, he loves you."
"There's so much to be scared of..."
"Tell me your biggest fear. Maybe we can figure out a way to get over it. Then the other ones won't seem so bad."
She frowned at him. The words "It's not that simple," died in her throat as she saw his earnest expression. Honesty, Kathryn. To yourself, and to this Chakotay who won't remember, even if you can't tell the real Chakotay.
"I'm afraid he's going to die," she whispered. His encouraging smile faltered, and he stared at her.
"You didn't tell me he was a soldier," he said flatly. "He's fighting... you sent him off to fight this war, and you didn't even tell him you loved him?" he asked incredulously. "Christ, Katrine... Damn, am I glad Anna never toyed with my heart like that," he said harshly.
She gaped at him, stunned and hurt. "I'm not... I'm not toying with his heart!" she exclaimed.
"Sure looks like it from here," he retorted. He shook his head. "Listen, honey; I see good men die every day, and I hear them screaming for their wives and their girls with their last breath. I know..." He took a deep breath. "I know I might be next... but at least I know that if my turn does come... I know my wife loves me, and oh, how I hope she knows she means everything to me." He looked directly into her eyes, holding nothing back.
"I would rather die here, far away from her, knowing that I'm in her heart, than live fifty years beside her, unsure of her love."
The words, said in Chakotay's soft, intense voice, full of a sentiment she had seen often in his eyes but had never heard aloud, destroyed the last shred of her self-control. She raised one hand to her mouth to stifle the cry that threatened to escape, and she looked away, knowing that if she continued to look at him, the tears would come and she wouldn't be able to stop them.
"You can't do this anymore, Katrine." He put one finger under her chin and raised her head so that she had no choice but to stare into his eyes as the tears slid down her cheeks. "You can't play with his heart like this. Not anymore. Listen to me. When he comes back -- " He laughed harshly. "If he comes back," he amended, and she moaned softly. "You have to tell him. Hell, you're in the resistance," he continued mercilessly. "It's not exactly a safe line of work! What if something happens to you? He'll never know what he meant to you. Is that really what you want?"
She jerked away from him and buried her face in her hands.
"Oh, Chakotay!" she cried. "I'm so sorry..."
The tears flowed, and she knew he was watching her, but no matter what she tried, she could not compose herself. They had been bottled up for a long time and once begun, could not be stopped. After a few moments, she forgot all about Captain Miller, thinking only of Chakotay. When his hand lightly touched her shoulder, she jumped but didn't look up. She vaguely heard him call her name... Katrine's name, but she still did not respond.
"Katrine..." he repeated, more forcefully this time. She finally looked up, and her face was red and miserable. "It's three minutes until the half hour," he said, raising his wrist into her line of sight. "We've got a mission," he reminded her quietly, but she could tell by the gentle look in his eyes that he knew his little push would help her get her mind off of everything they'd just discussed. She laughed inwardly; even after only knowing her for an hour, this man knew exactly how to focus her thoughts in the right direction.
As he watched, she shoved all of her pain and her misery somewhere deep inside herself, settling her face into a neutral mask. Though he saw the whole process of donning the captain's mask, he did not appear surprised by any of it. She mused that he, as a captain, was probably just as familiar with putting it on as Chakotay was, almost as familiar with it as she herself was. She nodded curtly, and he answered her nod with one of his own. She shouldered the pack and raised her weapon.
"Let's go."
=/\= =/\= =/\=
Kathryn groaned as she slammed back into consciousness, feeling a hand on her shoulder. She looked up into the concerned eyes of one of her sciences crewmen, who was holding a medical tricorder in a slightly uncertain fashion.
"Easy, Captain."
She looked around groggily. "Crewman Dane? The cargo bay?"
"Yes, ma'am. Sickbay is badly damaged, and we needed a large triage center. The Hirogen are still in control of the mess hall, so this seemed like the best option. We found you in a Jefferies tube, unconscious. What's the last thing you remember?"
She remembered watching the Hirogen hunter plummet to his death, and she recalled trying to find a less rapid and traumatic route down to where the fighting was taking place. She sat up again, shrugging off Dane's hand.
"I remember trying to find a way down to the main holodeck floor. After that, nothing. I must have passed out."
"Not surprising. You've lost a lot of blood, and the wound is becoming infected. You went into shock. If you'll just sit still -- "
"Just give me something for the pain, Crewman," she snapped. "I'll let you repair the damage later. We've got a ship to retake. Status report."
"I... I don't -- "
"Then find me someone who does! Harry!" she called, spying her Ops ensign in a knot of injured crewmen across the way. He turned and made his way over to her.
"Captain."
"Report, Ensign," she ordered as Crewman Dane pressed a hypospray to her neck and released the medicine.
"All holographic simulations have been shut down. Nearly all our major systems are nonfunctional, including communications. There are pockets of Hirogen hunters scattered throughout the ship. Their holographic weapons have, of course, vanished, but they're in possession of more conventional weapons." He held up a Hirogen phaser rifle as he nodded to the doors, where crewmen were trickling into the bay. "I'm sending out all able-bodied crew to act as runners, telling everyone they find to check in here."
"Are they armed?"
"No, ma'am. We can't get to the armory. The only weapons we have are what we can find and what we take off the hunters we get past."
She limped over to the far wall, trying to shove a cargo container out of the way. Harry silently moved it for her, and she thanked him with her eyes. Behind that container was a smaller one, one that was virtually indestructible and could only be opened by her, Chakotay, or Tuvok. Rapidly inputting her code, she grabbed the lid when it popped up. Throwing it aside, she pulled out a hand phaser and tossed it to Harry.
"See that everyone has one," she ordered. "I'm going -- " Her words ended in a groan of pain as her injured leg nearly buckled under her. Harry caught her arm and steadied her so that she didn't end up face down on the deck. She glanced up at him. "Have you seen the rest of the senior staff, Harry?"
"No ma'am. The last I knew, some of them were in Holodeck Two, but I don't know who. Internal sensors and communications are down, so it's almost impossible to locate anyone in particular unless you literally run into them."
She closed her eyes briefly. God, Chakotay, be okay! "You've done a good job, Harry. And I don't just mean today."
"Thank you, Captain."
She limped toward the center of the cargo bay, allowing Harry to leave his supportive hand on her back. The gentle touch reminded her of her first officer, and she gritted her teeth and pushed that thought away.
"Harry, do me a favor, and round up anyone in this room who's uninjured and not helping out with medical care."
He nodded and took off, and she stood still and took a deep breath, ignoring the searing pain in her leg and the dull ache in her heart. Soon, her crew was gathered around her, and she took another deep breath.
"Listen up people! We're going to retake this ship! Continue sending out teams, but no one goes out of this room alone, understood? Teams of three. Send all injured back here, as well as anyone with medical training of any level. Establish defensive posts on all decks, and see if there's any way to get internal sensors partially working so we can at least see where our people and the Hirogen are. I will remain here and coordinate efforts. Understood?"
"Yes, Captain!"
"Good. Let's go."
It was only after her people were working hard to get the ship back and wounded crewmen were struggling through the door in pairs and trios that her mind drifted back on the time she'd had with Captain Miller before they blew up Sickbay. No matter how much she tried to wrench her thoughts away from him, she could not. She snapped out orders and watched her crew do their duty, and she was filled with pride in them, but the litany of doubts and fears grew louder and louder within her.
If he comes back... you have to tell him. Stop playing with his heart. Never before had she realized just how much it would destroy her if Chakotay died without knowing of her love. Seeing the intensity in his eyes, and hearing it in his voice... the memories of their conversation throbbed in her, a perfect counterpoint to the wound in her leg. All the reasons she'd concocted for never telling him stole her breath and settled into an immovable weight in her stomach.
Her lips quirked in a quick smile as she remembered Captain Miller. He had breached the emotional defenses she'd so painstakingly put up over so many years, and he done it with the same tactical skill and ease she'd seen Chakotay utilize in countless combat situations. She grinned again. No doubt Captain Miller was as formidable a foe on the battlefield as her first officer; this time, the opponent he'd chosen was her. She'd known that if Chakotay ever decided to push her, she'd be unable to deny him, and she'd been simultaneously grateful to and frustrated with him for being so patient, for never pressing the issue. Now, he had pushed her without even knowing it, and she wondered if his urging might have been even more effective that way.
Her head whipped around as the cargo bay doors slid open again. Two crewmen limped in, and after sighing -- half in relief and half in frustration -- she made her way over to the area of the floor where a makeshift triage center had been set up. She ascertained that both crewmen would be fine, and then she continued pacing, ignoring the disapproving looks that several of the Doctor's disciples were shooting her.
If he comes back... Unbidden, her thoughts turned to the last time she'd seen Chakotay, striding out of Sickbay with his weapon trained on the Hirogen doctor. When the doctor had come back in alone, her heart had leapt into her throat, though she'd remained focused on her task. Now, in the cargo bay, she was free to imagine all of the grisly ways he could have gotten away from Chakotay.
There *was* that body in fatigues you saw in the corridor as you were running from the hunter. She balled her hands into fists and took a deep breath. It wasn't him. She remembered the body she'd seen near Sickbay, the one that had given her a flash of terror that overpowered even the adrenalin of running for her life. It had been about his build, but she had not had time to stop and check its identity. She had merely prayed it was a hologram and kept running. It wasn't him, she repeated to herself.
It wasn't him... even though the hair did look black. This time she stopped pacing, standing stock still in the middle of the cargo bay while she breathed deeply, oblivious to the few glances the crew threw her way. He was wearing a helmet. The hair wasn't visible.
What about the hand? The hand looked *very* tanned... where it wasn't covered with blood.
"Stop it!" she hissed. She had to get her mind off of him. She had to find something she could do. But she was injured, and her crew was such a well-oiled machine that they truly didn't need much coordination, organization, or supervision from her. They all knew their jobs, knew how to do what needed to be done. And that left her with nothing to do but worry about Chakotay.
Even as she worried, however, she realized that wasn't the truth. Though her brain was taken up with fear for him, it didn't stop her from snapping out orders, from doing her job.
"Why have I been so stupid?" she muttered. The fear she'd had before about his loss was nothing compared to the terror she felt now, having decided to tell him her feelings and knowing it was quite possibly too late. Wondering if he was okay, knowing that just hours ago he'd been looking into her eyes and imploring her to accept the love she felt -- even without knowing it was him that she loved -- this never-ending cycle of doubt and guilt and fear was agonizing.
She laughed harshly to herself. The most agonizing part about this was that Captain Miller had been right. If she'd told Chakotay she'd loved him, it would still be terrifying to think of his death, but there wouldn't be this sense of building regret.
"Where the hell are you, Chakotay?" she murmured, but she knew. He was the ship's first officer, and he was the most dedicated officer she'd ever known when it came to protecting his people. He'd be doing everything he could to take the ship back from the Hirogen. He'd probably send a runner back soon to report on the condition of the senior staff. Please, let that be the case. Please don't be dead, Chakotay. If you're dead, I'll kill you.
What seemed like hours passed, though she knew it was probably only minutes, and though traffic through the cargo bay doors continued steadily, no one reported anything to her. Finally, she made her way over to the triage area once again, where crewmembers were standing, sitting, or lying down in various states of injury.
"Has anyone seen the senior staff, besides Ensign Kim?" she asked the group at large.
Most of them shook their heads. One crewman raised his bandaged hand slightly.
"Before I passed out, I saw a group in the holodeck that included Commander Chakotay and Seven of Nine, but they were the only ones I could recognize." His face clouded. "It didn't look good, ma'am. They were kneeling in front of some of the Hirogen and their holographic soldiers... and one of the Hirogen hunters had his weapon drawn."
Oh God! She forced herself to reply steadily. "Thank you, Crewman."
So it hadn't been him lying face down in the hallway covered in blood, at least. That doesn't mean he isn't lying dead in the holodeck, shot in the head!
She assisted some of the sciences crewmen with minor first aid. It gave her something to do. Unfortunately, it also allowed her to witness firsthand the kinds of injuries the Hirogen were inflicting on her crew, and the part of her mind that was running in panicked circles thinking about Chakotay only moved faster. She could feel her breathing and her pulse start to quicken, and she forcibly pushed it all down. The door slid open again, but she didn't look up from bandaging an ensign's leg.
"Put him down over there," a male voice barked, and she froze. "Paris, Doctor, you've got work to do." She looked up into Chakotay's eyes as he gently placed an unconscious crewman on the floor. He smiled at her, but his smile faded as she scrambled to her feet and stared at him, biting her lip.
"Captain, what's -- "
She lurched quickly across the three steps between them, throwing her arms around him and squeezing him in a bonecrushing hug. He fell back against the cargo container behind him, but his arms came up instinctively to hold her.
"Oh, thank God you're alive!" she murmured.
"Kathryn?" he whispered. "What's mmmph -- " His words were cut off as she dragged his head down to hers. She was trembling as she kissed him, she knew, and she was about a breath away from sobbing, but the only thing she could focus on was his solid body in her arms, his big hands rubbing her back, and the warmth of his lips on hers. She coaxed his lips open, and as she slid her tongue into his mouth, the deep groan in the back of his throat tore at her, and she clutched him closer. She felt his hips press against hers and the heat of his arousal through the clothes they wore. She finally pulled away from him, nipping at his lip one last time, and looked up into his eyes. They were wider than she had ever seen them, dark with desire, but confusion was written all over his face.
"I love you," she murmured, and to her shock, his face fell. He stepped back, and when he did, she was forced to put weight on her bad leg to keep from falling. She bit her lip to stifle the cry of pain, as her hand went to the wound, but tears of pain sprang to her eyes anyway. The sadness on Chakotay's face morphed instantly into concern.
"You're hurt," he said, and before she could answer, he called the Doctor over. Then, he turned and lifted her up onto the cargo containers behind them.
"Doctor, her leg -- "
"Yes, Commander. I can see that she's been wounded. I can also see that she's been aggravating the wound by walking on it."
Kathryn stared between them, trying not to cry out in pain as the Doctor examined her leg, and unable to understand why Chakotay had responded to her declaration the way he had. Her heart thudded painfully. Maybe Captain Miller was wrong. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore.
"Doctor," Chakotay whispered. "Is... is her neural implant still functioning?" His eyes were pained, and as she watched, his fists clenched. "She acted... very unlike herself a moment ago."
Pain and guilt slammed into Kathryn with the force of a phaser bolt. Chakotay found it easier to believe that her mind was being tampered with when no else's was than to believe that she could tell him she loved him. She raised a hand to his cheek.
"It's me, Chakotay. It's Kathryn," she murmured, and he looked at her in shock. "I meant it."
She slid off the cargo containers, ignoring the Doctor's sigh of exasperation. He threw his hands up and went back to the triage area, muttering about someday finding patients who would appreciate him. His words and departure went unnoticed by Kathryn and Chakotay, who were staring at each other, oblivious to the Doctor, the ship, and the crew around them.
"Kathryn?"
"I love you, Chakotay."
She watched his smile slowly appear, and it was like sunrise. He laughed and grabbed her, pulling her to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him, hard, and he buried his face in her hair. She felt him tremble and take a deep breath to tell her something, and then there was the sound of a throat being cleared beside them.
"Captain, Commander."
They turned to look at Harry, who looked extremely embarrassed to have interrupted them.
"We've pinned down the Hirogen to decks seven and eight, but it's going to be tough to get them all off the ship. With so much of the crew injured, we're low on manpower."
Chakotay nodded. "I'm sure it's pretty brutal. The hunters aren't going to give up without a hell of a fight. I think we need everyone out there who can hold a weapon, Captain."
"Thank you, Harry." She took a step forward, only to be stopped by Chakotay's big hand curled firmly around her forearm.
"You're injured, Captain. I think you should remain here and allow the Doctor to tend to your wound," he said softly. She glared at him, but his steady gaze didn't waver. "I'll go coordinate the effort," he said, and her heart leapt into her throat again.
"Ch... Commander -- "
"Yes, Captain?"
She raised a hand to his cheek again, stroking it gently. "Go. Go get our ship back. Just... Chakotay, whatever happens, I do love you. Remember that. I need you to know that."
His eyes closed at her soft touch. He lowered his head to hers once last time, giving her a gentle kiss. "I love you, Kathryn. I've always loved you," he said as he pulled away. Then his face split in a wide grin. "When the Hirogen are gone, you and I have an awful lot to talk about," he said, and she laughed.
He kissed her hand and then turned from her, already snapping orders to their crew. She watched him go as she headed slowly toward the Doctor, and she smiled. Captain Miller had been right. Though she was still scared, for him and for herself, having told him of her love and knowing of his made it all much easier to bear. Yes, Chakotay, she thought, We definitely have some... talking to do.