Work Text:
With this week being the first NHL pride game, I feel now is the best time to speak about what I have known for many years. I have battled with mental health problems over this issue and with the support, understanding and acceptance from my family, friends and teammates, I finally feel ready to say; I'm gay. I have never been more proud to wear a jersey before, especially one that celebrates all gender identities and sexualities.
Maybe it was the new event that the NHL had added to this year’s season; the franchise had added the event alongside the usual you can play night. When Sidney had first heard it mentioned in the news he had frowned, wondering why they had felt the need to host the event when they already had the you can play event. The news had him twitching with anxiety, wondering if the league was trying to drive home the point that they had a fair few gay and bisexual players who spent most of their lives hiding behind lies and piles of non-disclosure agreements. The demons that haunted his worst thoughts, rose up in the back of his mind taunting him with speculations that left his heart pumping ferociously in his chest.
'Maybe their trying to out you.'
'Maybe they are hosting it twice because they know that if someone came out, no one would accept it.'
The thoughts that screamed in his mind had left him panicking every time his phone went off for a week, and he spent his evenings for a month searching through fan-blogs which insisted they had dubious proof that celebrities were gay.
Sidney didn't know why he made a twitter account after they won the game the night they hosted their pride event. He blamed it on the feelings that filled his chest as he skated around the rink, slamming the puck into the back of the net four times throughout the game. The mood in the locker room after they had won was ecstatic, and Sidney had found himself staring down at the specially designed jersey after the media had finished and left the room. The jersey was rainbow, the Pittsburgh logo standing out in pure black; the difference in the game was that instead of being used solely as warm-up jersey's, the league had agreed that every team should be able to wear them for the entire game as a one off for the first event. Looking down at the fabric, Sidney had been reluctant to let the colours slip from his fingers. The shirts were due to be put up for auction in a few weeks’ time, but Sidney didn't want to part with his. He wanted to cling to the feelings that had filled him on the ice and chased away the demons that haunted him.
He made the twitter account with only a few moments of nerve that fluttered in his stomach. He only followed one account, and he knew that he would only ever post the one message on the site. Whilst some players were obsessed with social media, constantly uploading pictures and tweets about their day, Sidney had always been the one who had shied away. He knew the jokes that people made, saying that he didn't know how social media worked so that was the reason why he avoided it; but the honest reason was, he was scared. He was scared of what people would be able to find out about him if people tried to play detective about his photos. Whilst other players uploaded countless pictures and videos to their Instagram stories, Sidney was letting his anxiety control him. He knew his logic was ridiculous; he never had anything out in his house that may out him. Even any sex toys he owned were securely locked away in a drawer to prevent nosy teammates encountering them.
His fingers shook as he tapped out the message on his phone as he lay in bed that night. The covers were pulled up high around his chest and a fluffy blanket was tucked around him, but Sidney felt like his blood was turning cold with every word that he wrote. He knew that his words were a mixture of half-truths, and he felt like he was diving head-first into career suicide. With one shaky breath, he tapped the blue button.
With this week being the first NHL pride game, I feel now is the best time to speak about what I have known for many years. I have battled with mental health problems over this issue and with the support, understanding and acceptance from my family, friends and teammates, I finally feel ready to say; I'm gay. I have never been more proud to wear a jersey before, especially one that celebrates all gender identities and sexualities.
Instantly Sidney turned off his phone, not wanting to take back the biggest decision he had ever made in his life. He was terrified, but he wanted to say the words that had been haunting him for so long. He wanted other people to feel the overwhelming happiness and pride like he had felt that evening wearing the Pride jersey. Squeezing his eyes shut, he thought to ignore the thoughts that tried to provoke at his anxieties.
'The office is going to be furious with you. You didn't tell them, and you didn't warn them. '
'Your teammates might not accept you. You've only told Flower and Tanger. The rest won't accept it like they did. '
'The media are going to rip you apart. '
'You didn't think about your family. The press are going to hound them. '
'You didn't warn Mario. He will be so disappointed. '
'Geno won't accept you. He will be disgusted. He will hate you. He will finally realise that you've fancied him since you met. '
Sidney felt like he barely slept, and by the time the sun started peeping through the small gaps in his curtains he was sure that he had seen every hour of the night. He rolled over onto his stomach, burying his head in the gaps between pillows as he let out a shaky breath. He was scared to see if people had spotted his twitter account the night before, and if they had, he wondered how many people had seen his reveal. He was scared to turn on his phone and look, but he braced himself for the onslaught that he feared. His shoulders were tense, and he felt like every muscle in his body had locked up as he slowly reached for his phone and waited for the device to boot awake. Sidney's breath caught in his chest as his screen lit up and almost instantly the device began vibrating with incoming notifications.
He dropped his phone onto his bed without looking at any of the notifications. He could still feel the vibrations through the duvet, as he dragged his hands down his face. All the bravery and pride that had fuelled him the night before had vanished with his disturbed sleep leaving him petrified and regretting his decisions in the wake of the dawn. The ongoing vibrations and the flashing notification light on his phone told him that this was more than just his daily emails coming through; this was the world finding out the truth that he had hidden for many years. He slowly picked his phone up once more, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head as he saw the long list of notifications that filled the drop-down menu. He had over 300 text messages, nearly 200 missed calls, and 100 more voicemails. Sidney swiped away his email notification straight away, and his heart dropped as he saw the insane number of notifications for Twitter.
Before Sidney could decide where he was going to start with his notifications, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. He had Jen's phone number saved in his phone since she had started working in the PR department. He had been forced to get involved with a multitude of his teammate’s issues over the years, helping them through situations which could have ended in a media disaster. He had never been on the other end of the disaster, where he was the one causing the head office staff a headache. He let himself be a coward as he rejected the call after it rung out one more time.
His phone remained silent for less than a minute before it buzzed again with the different vibration indicating a new text message. Sidney opened the message and instantly wished he hadn't when he saw that it was from Jen.
'Don't ignore my calls! Get down to the rink now, we need to run recon on this!'
Sidney winced, easily imagining Jen's angry tone shouting the words on the screen at him. He knew that he had made his decision the night before and now he needed to live the consequences. He wanted to bury his head in the sand and wait for the storm to blow away, but he was a realist and he knew that wasn't going to happen. Reluctantly Sidney pushed his duvet away, the chill in the air leaving him instantly wanting to wrap himself back in the fluffy blanket. His phone remained clutched in his hand as he walked on unsteady feet into his bathroom, the bright lights exposing the shadows under his eyes and highlighting his pale skin. His unease was showing in his complexion, he looked like he was unwell.
Sidney tore his eyes away from his reflection as he put his phone down on the bathroom counter and splashed cold water onto his face. The sound of fresh notification, new messages and more unanswered calls kept his phone buzzing on the counter as he stepped into the shower and prepared himself for the hurricane of a storm that was waiting for him outside the doors of his house.
Sidney felt his heart pounding in his chest as he stepped out of his house to the sight of a small sea of journalists on the other side of his driveway gates. He could see a few of them were waiting with recorders at the ready as if they were going to get a comment. There were flashes of cameras and the excited chatter turned into a mass of shouting as they all noticed him standing there in his hoodie and jeans. The chant of his name and the questions that were shouted at him as he hastily climbed into his car blended together to just noise. Sidney trembled as he turned the key in the ignition and creeped his car towards the gate. The flashes of cameras increased as his gates slowly opened in front of him. The reporters had the sense to move to the side, and out of his way as he pulled out, but there were still a few that crept closer their cameras pushed against his side windows.
Sidney quickly rolled out onto the street, a backwards glance confirming that his gate was closed. The drive to the rink after that was just the same as any other day. There was the usual traffic from school runs and rush hour, but that didn't bother Sidney. he ached for the traffic, as it would give him more time to think before he reached the rink.
His mother’s name flashed up on his centre console when he was just coming off the interstate, and Sidney didn't need to think twice before he accepted the call. His mother’s warm loving voice filled his car, making him sigh at the sound. He listened to her calm and supportive words for the rest of the drive to the rink, clinging to the praise that she offered him, and feeling his heart expand when she told him how proud they all were. His parents had known his secret for years, supporting him in all his choices. His father had been a firm believer when he had first been drafter that he should be careful, that he should make a name for himself as a hockey player before he made himself known as the gay hockey player. Sidney knew that Troy had meant well when he had told him those words when he was a scared eighteen-year-old, and to this day he trusted his father’s opinion. He had hundreds of accomplishments under his belt, and no one could take that away from him. He was a three-time Stanley Cup winner; there was something more to his game than just his sexuality.
He felt the eyes of everyone on his back as he walked the familiar halls in the direction of Jen's office. The equipment guys paused what they were doing as he passed, and Sidney swore he could hear the soft sound of whispers behind him when they thought he was out of earshot. He knew everyone had seen or heard the news, he caught it himself as he was driving when his radio channel started to go through the day’s headlines. He had quickly turned it off before he could hear anything more about it. He swore he could feel the eyes following him as he walked the rest of the halls until he stopped in front of the dreaded door.
It took all of Sidney's nerves to knock on the half-open door and slowly push it open. Jen was sat at her desk, her head in her hands as she stared at her computer screen. Sidney didn't need three guesses to know what she was looking at. "So I'm not going to beat around the bush, I expect you already have an understand about what is happening?" She announced as Sidney slid into one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. There were no greetings, or fake courtesy; it was straight to business and Jen was not a person to beat around the bush. "Someone has pretended to be you and released a statement. As you may be aware the press has jumped on it."
"It's not someone pretending. It was me." Sidney's voice caught in his throat, as he stumbled over his words. Jen's cold stare burned holes into him, making what little remained of his confidence crumble.
"It was you?" Jen asked, her voice monotone as her brow furrowed. "Why the fuck did you not think to tell us before you released this?"
Sidney's heart pounded in his chest as he tried to think of a way to explain his actions, but Jen was not done in her rant. "We could have prepared for this, but instead you have left us to fly blind as reporters and journalists from all over the fucking world ask for a statement which we can't give. We couldn't even say that we supported you because we thought this was a hoax!"
The sound of the door opening had Sidney spinning his head to face behind him. He had closed the door when he stepped into the room, knowing that he didn't want anyone outside of the office hearing what was going to be said in the room. Mario stormed into the room, with a look determination on his face. The expression on his father figures face was unreadable, as he pulled Sidney up from the chair and into a tight embrace. Sidney felt his shoulders slump as the tension seems to fall away from him. He had been anxious about how Mario would react; it was something that he had never told his friend even despite living at the Lemieux's house for so many years.
Sidney didn't know how much of the shouting Mario had heard. He didn't know how much sound was able to seep through into the hallways when Jen reached her full volume, but he received his answer when Mario pulled away from the hug to offer him a beaming smile, "I am so proud of you Sid."
Behind them Jen sighed, as if she was defeated Sidney couldn't blame her, he doubted she would be able to continue her rant with Mario now in the room with them. Sidney blushed, feeling like he wasn't owed the pride that Mario said he had for him. He felt like a loser; a loser who had had hide the truth for years because he was scared. Having someone tell him that they were proud of him did not instantly get rid of the years of self-hatred and anxiety that had sunk their dark claws into his mind. "What mental health problems?" Mario asked as he sat down into one of the chairs opposite Jen's desk.
Sidney sighed as he dropped down into his seat, "Depression and Anxiety. But I've been doing better than I was. My therapist has had me on some medication for the last two years."
Sidney could see the way Mario's face dropped at his admission, but he was done lying to himself. He wanted people to know the dark corners that he had shied away, and his depression was one of them. His therapist had linked his depression and anxiety to the weight of the secrets that he kept close to his chest, but she had pointed out to him many times over the past two years, revealing his secrets weren't going to make his mental health suddenly better. Depression was a disease, and there was no explanation as to why it attacked the brain. She had explained that Sidney may have depression for the rest of his life, and that it could flare up for no particular reason. When she had first told him that, the truth had hurt, but after a few months Sidney understood what she meant. Even with the medication that she prescribed him, there were days where he felt happy, but the next day he would have the thoughts haunting the back of his mind. There was nothing that he could do to stop the thoughts from occurring, but Sidney had learned ways to manage them.
"I wish you had told us that you were suffering," Mario said sadly, and from across the table Jen nodded along to his words. Sidney shrugged his shoulders, not really feeling able to provide an answer.
Sidney felt like he had been thoroughly embarrassed by the time Jen let him leave her office. They had managed to hash out what needed to be done, and the Penguins organisation had released the statement that Jen had written with him and Mario. Jen had warned him that people would not accept the statement as the final words in the situation; people were going to want to ask questions, and she would try to control them but it would do them all good if Sidney answered some of them. Sidney had winced at the suggestion, but he knew that the days of keeping his personal life to himself were over. He wasn't going to be one of the guys who shared their off days on social media, but he was going to have the confidence to one day be able to hold hands with someone in public.
Jen had brought he topic of previous partners up in the meeting, and Sidney had wished the floor would open and swallow him whole. He was not an innocent virgin; he had slept with people before, but there was no one that was going to sell him out. He had never done one-night stands with strangers, but he had a few friends that he could call when he was in town. He hadn't wanted to explain the specifics to Jen and had told her that no one was going to stand up and disclose details of his sex life. Sidney could tell that she hadn't quite believed him, but she had let the topic slide, moving onto the next aspect that the PR department had to consider.
Standing outside the locker room door, the words that were written in the Penguins press statement felt like nothing but pretty words. The statement had said that the staff and the players supported Sidney, and were proud of him; but standing outside the door, listening to the voices of his players on the other side had him worrying what was going to happen if the guys didn't support him. Would he still be able to captain a team if the players didn't accept him? Would any player that didn't accept him get traded? Would he get traded?
"Sid, we know it’s your pacing outside the door, so get your monster ass inside." Tanger pushed the locker room door open, just wide enough to peak his head through into the corridor. The sight of his friend’s face had the pit of anxiety in the bottom of Sidney's stomach calm. He knew that Tanger supported him already, and his best friends were always going to be there supporting him. Sidney nodded his head, as he took a small step forwards and puled the locker room door open the rest of the way. Neither man commented on the tremors that ran through Sidney's fingers as he clutched at the handle of the door.
"You are an amazing brave man." Tanger whispered, as Sidney stepped inside of the locker room. The words were only for him to hear as the Canadian man tugged him close, pulling him into a hug that had his ribs wincing. Despite the slight pain that the hug caused, Sidney was reluctant for the embrace to end. "Come on, I promise that no one on the team are going to treat you any less because of your sexuality; actually I think most of them are planning on setting you up with guys."
Sidney snorted into his friends’ shoulder, wiping away the tears that had formed in his eyes with the back of his hand. The way the locker room was that there was a small section when you walked through the doors, a wall divider that stopped anyone from peeking straight into the main room. He could hear the guys chattering and joking on the other side of the divider, as Sidney drew in a breath and put on his brave face. The sound of his friend’s chatter didn't die down when he stepped around the corner, but it picked up as everyone began shouting at once. His heart pounded in his chest as he heard shouts and cries of how proud there were of him, and how much they cared about him. Jack Johnson stomped across the room, swinging Sidney into a tight embrace that had the Canadian man fighting the urge to cry.
Jake Guentzel was the first to ruffle Sidney's hair, and mention that he had a gay cousin who was single. After that nearly every member of the team had a single gay friend or gay relative, and Sidney choked back a giggle when Jared McCann pushed his phone towards him, his best friends Instagram page on view. Sidney didn't know why he had been panicking, when every single guy in the room was being so nice to him. He should have trusted his team better, after everything they went through every season every guy in the room was more than just someone he worked with; they were family.
Tanger had pushed his phone into Sidney's hand, and he was rewarded with Flower's beaming smile meeting his. The goalie started by praising Sidney for his bravery and reconfirming how much he loved him before quickly turning the conversation into a jokey scolding that Sidney had ignored his calls. He tried to explain that he had turned his phone off after talking to his parents on the ride over, but Flower pouted at his words before winking as he feigned dramatics about being unloved. Sidney missed his friend, and even after the years apart there the Flower shaped hole in his life had yet to heal.
Some of the guys were walking into the room, having missed the beginning of the big supportive circle that was surrounding Sidney. Horny was one of the last guys to turn up for practise, followed closely by Geno. The big Russian entered the room and Sidney felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach as he caught the hurt look in the man's eyes. Geno's reaction was the one that he had feared the most; it would hurt but he could live with everyone else hating him or being disgusted by him. If Geno rejected him, Sidney knew that it would kill him inside.
"Geno," Sidney whispered, his face dropping when he saw the hurt in the Russian's eyes fade away as his temper took over.
"Why you no tell me!" Geno snapped, throwing his bag down on the floor as he stormed across the room until he was stood in front of the captain. His accent was thick as he continued, "Is it cause I Russian? You think I not approve?"
"Hey!" Kris glared, taking a small step forwards as if ready to get in between the two men if he needed to. Sidney shook his head at his friend, bowing his head to the floor as he continued to take the onslaught of Geno's verbal assault. There was no harsh words or distaste being spat at him, just anger that he hadn't told him.
"Just cause I Russian doesn't mean I don't know how you feel Sid!" Geno huffed, surging forward and grabbing Sidney by the back of the neck. Sidney's head shot up, turning his gaze from the floor to the man he had feelings for, for nearly fifteen years. Around him, the team stepped forwards as if ready to grab Geno and pull him away, but they were stunned into statues as Geno tugged the captain forwards.
Sidney gasped against Geno's lips, his hands resting against the man’s shoulders as he found himself being closer. One of Geno's hands was on his hip, pulling their bodies together even as their lips parted. The hand on the back of the Canadian's neck sliding around to softly swipe away the tears that clung to Sidney's lower lashes. "You should have told me," Geno whispered as his lips brushed over Sidney's cheek.