Chapter Text
As I sit here next to a dying fire I think about a man that has meant more to me in my life than others. I just can’t believe that he’s gone. I thought that with the amount of trouble that I get into that I would be the first one gone. It wasn’t as if Adam had been doing anything dangerous when it happened. I wipe a tear from my cheek as a wolf howls out in the woods.
He couldn’t be gone. Not Adam, not the oldest most responsible of us. I shiver as the embers beside me pop. I haven’t been home in the two weeks since his funeral, and I don’t know if I will be able to go home ever again. I know that both Hoss and Pa blame themselves even though we all know who is really at fault. I hang my head as I remember the day that seems so long ago.
Flashback
Adam was walking across the yard when I rode in. There was a sudden loud noise and the horse I was riding went crazy. Before I could get him under control I saw Adam go under his hooves. I was thrown moments later, but I didn’t even notice when I hit the ground, I scrambled fast to get to Adam’s side. I screamed his name which brought Pa and Hoss from the barn.
Pa yelled for someone to get the doctor, but I already knew that it was too late I had already searched for a heartbeat and a pulse and he wasn’t breathing. I looked up at Pa with tears in my eyes and I shook my head. Pa refused to believe me and came to check for himself even as one of the men rode out I didn’t want to believe that it was true.
Pa started to cry and then he asked me what happened I could only say that there was a noise and the horse which was green broke and not used to noises went crazy. Then Hoss said that it must have happened when his gun went off in the barn.
When Doc got to the ranch all he could do was confirm that Adam was dead and try to comfort Pa and Hoss as they started blaming themselves. I didn’t say anything as I walked outside and went to sleep in Cooch’s stall for the night.
Early the next morning I woke up and walked to where one of the hands had stabled the horse that had killed my brother, he still had Adam’s blood on his hooves. I grabbed a halter from the shelf and put it on him. I took him about a half a mile away and put a bullet in his brain. For just one second I turned the gun on myself then I stopped because I knew that losing two sons in two days would kill my Pa.
Two days later we laid my oldest brother to rest next to my mother, and I rode off on Cooch not sure if I would ever go home again.
End Flashback
The snap of the fire forced me from my thoughts of how my oldest brother had died. I had almost killed my horse that first day as I tried to outrun the sunshine and happiness that seemed to be all around me. I had cursed the sun at the funeral, wishing, hoping that the rain that I felt inside of me would come down from the sky. As I think of the day of the funeral I try and fail to hold back a sob and the tears that accompany it as I remember…
Flashback
I looked around me at the gathered mourners. Then I looked up at the sky and cursed the bright sun which had yet to turn into the rain that I had wanted for this day. ‘How could the sun shine so bright on a day like today? I thought as I hung my head once more before I glanced back up this time towards where my Pa and brother Hoss stood on the other side of the grave. Both lost in their own thoughts on how this happened, and like me not even paying attention to what the preacher was saying.
I lick my lips as I think about how my Pa is taking this. He locked himself in his room since Adam died and this is the first time that he has come out. He looks ten years older and I’m sure that his already silver hair has turned just a touch whiter. I can’t blame him due to the fact that he has lost three wives and now he has lost his eldest son. The son that was, though I know he’d deny it, his favorite, the son that he could always count on not to mess up, not to go jumping to conclusions.
I lick my lips as I turned to look towards Hoss. I see that in the last two days Hoss has lost weight. Not many would notice the small difference in my biggest brother, but since most don’t see him every day I feel justified in noticing. He has not eaten in the last two days, for that matter neither has me or Pa. I know that Hoss blames himself for what happened due to the fact that he was trying to show Pa just why he had to take his gun to get repaired and he accidently pulled the trigger which sent the bullet out which then hit a bucket. That bullet hitting the bucket is what set the horse off.
I suddenly realize that the preacher is praying and that I need to bow my head. I do so mechanically and don’t raise it again until I hear him say amen. I move off to the side as the mourners come to tell Pa how sorry they are that this happened. I felt somewhat left out as everyone just avoided me or even looking in my direction, but in my eyes I deserve their scorn for I am the only reason we are here today.
Soon we are the only people left standing there and I can feel Pa and Hoss’ eyes on me as I turn to leave.
“Joseph?” There it was. I knew he would question me I had merely hoped that he would ignore me as I walked away from them.
“Yeah?” I say quietly without turning to look at them.
“Where are you going?” Pa asked. I knew that this would be the sticking point due to the fact that I had ridden out here in the wagon, and I was about to walk in the opposite direction as where the wagon was parked.
“I’m leaving,” I say as I whistle and Cochise came from where I had hidden him the night before.
“Where are you goin’? How long will you be gone?” It was Hoss that asked this time even as I heard my Pa sob.
I grab Cooch’s reins and mount before I turn to them and answer. “I don’t know.”
“Joseph…Please don’t go,” Pa says through his tears.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I had been thinking about this goodbye since I had decided to leave shortly after I had put the horse, which had done the deed, down. I just didn’t think that it would be this hard. Why couldn’t they see that I was the reason my brother was dead? It was my decision to ride a green broke horse one day after I had broken him to saddle. I had known that he was still just as wild as when we caught him but I thought that I could handle him and had ridden him to soon, thus killing my brother with my bad decision.
I may not have been as close to Adam as Pa or Hoss but I still loved him dearly and it was killing me inside to think about how I was the one that had killed him. I knew that if I stayed here that everything would remind me of him and I would be hard pressed not to kill myself as I had almost done two days earlier.
“I’m sorry Pa but I have to go. I will write you as soon as I can but don’t be expecting it for a while.”
“Why?”
With one choked word he bought it all to the surface and I felt the tears start to make tracks down my face. As I bow my head a little farther the tears start to fall on my hands that are clenched around the reins. Beneath me I feel Cochise dance due to him feeling that I was tense, and he was ready to help me get out some of my emotions.
“Because if I don’t leave now I won’t be alive for much longer, if the pain of knowing that I killed my brother doesn’t kill me first then something else will.” With that I turned Cochise and kicked him into a gallop. I heard and tried to ignore my Pa’s anguished cries for me to come back.
End Flashback