Work Text:
She picks up knitting and if that isn't the damndest thing he's ever seen, he's not sure what hold damnation can have over his rotten soul anymore.
(He had long ago accepted that his soul had burned away to an ember deep within the recesses of his heart. Although now it was for an entirely different reason than that which his mother had shouted at him as a child, it didn't sting any more or any less. As if she could have known from the start that he would be despicable. If only he could have courted disaster the way she wanted him to, instead of this way, with his heart on his sleeve as if it was worth something.)
Isn't she adorable? James says from the doorway, throwing the remark over his shoulder, more at her than at them and when Sirius catches the way she rolls her glinting eyes to hide the hardness there, even as she rocks placidly in the rocking chair he brought over that morning her knitting clacking away inches above the bump they all knew was a person they were yet to meet, the breath caught in his chest finally releases and he tries to tell himself that he can't remember what had worried him.
Dear God you've domesticated her, Lupin says with dismay in the very same instant that Sirius barks out:
Don't tell me you think you have the power to domesticate her.
James just laughs and throws his arms around his friends, stepping out into the spring air with gaiety bordering on defiance, chattering on about baby names or booties or something else completely nonsensical.
Sirius is the one to close the door, the only one to look back and see Lily deftly set aside the still-moving knitting and pull out a bubbling cauldron from beneath the oversized blanket that had previously draped across her waist, crouching down on the floor with a face intent and serious. She doesnt look up to see him watching her...
But they both know she knows he's watching.
That's the space they have.
And they fill it to the brim.
There were some slight misgivings among their crowd over James and Lily's shotgun wedding. Sure, these types of weddings were happening with alarming frequency the longer He Who Must Not Be Named was throwing his weight around in the wizarding world, but even the most darling of couples, beloved by all, could only suffer from being too young.
They held their engagement party hours just a few short hours after completing their NEWTs, locked away in the Room of Requirement - so hush-hush that half the staff and nearly a third of the school was in attendance - both beaming and shining the way they always had - and every one proclaiming that they always will.
I suppose I should wish you good luck, Sirius whispered in her ear in a dark hallway, the reveries still taking place just inches away, her hand caught up in his hair and her knees locked against his rib cage as he pressed her long, lean back against the hard, unyielding wall.
Merlin's fucking twat don't you ever shut up, she moaned, half exasperated and half breathless with want, her hands grasping at him, pulling him closer and closer until finally - with a cry of frustration - her wand unceremoniously ripped him free of his trousers and he was deep inside of her, crying out against her temple as she raised her face to the sky and laughed.
He supposes later that it was rather ungentlemanly of him to treat her that way, especially at her engagement party. But how could he have expected it to go? Kneeling at her feet maybe, making her legs shake with his tongue and fingers before draping her legs over his shoulders and taking her as his - all thoughts of James far from their minds, at least the first time. Second times are for rushed entries and half-discarded clothing and a half smile but no kiss as she breezes back through the door to lace her fingers through her husband's and smile charmingly at her guests as he lingers outside like a ghost.
With Lily, nothing ever seemed like it was the first time and nothing ever prepared him for how quickly she slipped through his fingers back into the life he could never give her.
(He, of course, stood in the hallway alone, forehead against the cool stone, his hands limp fists crashing into the wall until Remus found him, put him back together, and escorted him back to James' side.)
Three months later her body began to swell and Remus had to follow a river of destruction from Muggle pub to Muggle pub all through the countryside, in order to drag Sirius home with a congratulations gift under one arm and a fake smile plastered to his lips.
She saw through him and chided him more harshly than she had ever done (slightly rocking him deeper inside of her all the while). He bought her a rocking chair the next day, hiding the welting scratch marks her nails had left on his arms with longer sleeves than the warm weather warranted, and tried to pretend that he didn't see James' eyes light up with a sheen of lust at the sight of her in it.
He could never admit to himself that what Lily did with him between her legs was only an echo of what she gave her husband.
Sirius insisted that at least James never had to fear walking about with his arms and back uncovered, Lily's lust never inscribed there in dark red lines for the world to see.
(He could never imagine that they would merely erase the evidence with their wands. For him, there were two kinds of magic - the rough stuff of papers and wands and books taught to him in school and the elegant pain that loving Lily Potter brought him. And there was nothing that could have convinced him to wipe away the signs of her on his body with the flick of a wand. It seemed sacrilege.)
(Because even in his darkest moments, and even when she wasn't yet officially a Potter, he knew that he loved her all the more because James did.
There didn't seem to be any hope for him but to love what James loved.)
James you are a self righteous idiot, Lupin remarked a month or so after Lily's pregnancy was announced, leaning up against the oak bar of their favorite Muggle pub.
Moreso today than usual, aye old pal?
You can't stop Lily from fighting this war any more than you can stop the tides.
James' smile faltered for a moment, looking to Sirius for assistance and finding a brick wall and a surly glance. I know it. But a man should at least try to keep his wife and unborn child from dying.
She's at home stirring something wicked up, Sirius said to the well of cheap beer in his glass mug.
Don't you think I know that, too?! Last week I came home to a war council taking place in my kitchen! Girl had the bloody cheek to send me down to the market for more cheese.
What if she told you to stop? To run away for the sake of the kid and leave all this war business to the rest of us?
Lupin glanced up at Sirius with a puzzled expression, one that James didn't catch.
Oh hell... I don't know. I couldn't leave you idiots here to die, now could I?
What Sirius didn't, couldn't, wouldn't say was: I would. I would leave you three and find a cave for her and protect her with each breath if she asked me to.
But she'd never ask him to.
She'd never ask that of either of them.
She'd never ask. And you love her more for it. Sirius said later as they weaved their way back to the Potters' house teetering with drink and the levity of friendship.
James stopped short and frowned, Well, I think that's why we all love her, isn't it?.
Sirius woke once to Lily's body pressed against his and her lips warm against his lips. He hardly dared open his eyes least she scamper away back to James' bed where she belonged, the slight swell of her stomach hard against his hip.
If I asked you to run away with you, you would. I know it. I don't even have to ask.
She sighed and ran her fingers across his chest, sinking lower towards his abdomen and the teasing back up, circling his bare nipples one at a time before teasing back down again. He couldn't stop his body from reacting to her and she laughed low in her chest, grabbing his erection harshly, her fingernails stinging into him as she rubbed him harder.
If I asked you to tie and gag yourself and wait in this room with a dog collar on and a pair of my red panties you would wait until the end of time - or until James found you and Remus had to come up with an acceptable lie for you.
Sirius hissed as she rolled him towards her with one hand, swinging a leg over his hip. She nipped his lower lip.
Open your eyes idiot and look at me.
He complied of course and before he knew it said, I'd run away and hide you from this life and this war forever if that's what you wanted.
She kissed him. I could probably make James feel like it was his idea the whole time. A king sending his most trusted warrior into the wild with his wife and unborn child as he sacrifices his own life to his people.
She angled her hips and pressed him into her - she was wet and warm and ready for him, he let her lead, following the gentle rocking that seemed to be the only thing that soothed her restless mind these days. Always, always, aware of James asleep at the other end of the hall.
Just ask it of me, he whispered, drawing her close and kissing her softly, on the cheek on the eye on the jaw on the nose.
I can't. She sighed and flipped him onto his back, riding him a bit faster now. Everyone would be so... disappointed.
She closed her eyes against his gaze and threw her body into a rhythm that discouraged introspection and conversation. Sirius grabbed hold of her waist as if it was a lifeline and watched her.
Lily Evan Potter, Sirius knew - far more than James ever could or would - belonged to the world like a shining star. A hero and a princess and a warrior. She was everything her world needed of her and she gave it everything she could. A beacon in the dark, her fire lighting the way for others to come close and grow strong near her warmth.
She didn't belong to him.
Sirius wondered if she ever felt as though she even belonged to herself. (Except maybe in the moments when she took, screaming, what she needed from him. Rushing against the tide of expectation, running always from others' disappointment into his arms and his bed.
She took from him because she had everything to lose and he had nothing left to lose.
She took from him - he presumed - because she shouldn't and that was enough.)
James Potter, Sirius knew, never really belonged only to him. He belonged to the world like a shooting star. A light in the darkness full of purpose and strength for others to latch their dreams onto.
A golden couple. Twin stars in the night sky.
They were made for each other.
(In the darkness, with her legs wrapped around him and her warm breath panting in his ear, Sirius didn't feel closer to the light - but as far from it as he could possibly get.
A respite from the blinding light, a shadow for her to lean into and mark with her own darkness.)
On the night after Lily gave birth to Harry - his dark hair and bright eyes that glowed - Sirius and Remus took James out to get him smashed for the last time before fatherhood dictated clean living.
Sometime after Peter slipped away - feigning a chest cold coming on as he always did when the other three got a tad too rambunctious for his sensitive disposition - Sirius got it into his head to get a tattoo. It was towards that time of evening when even Remus was down for a dangerous lark and so they stood on either side of him as he got five dark claw marks imprinted upon his right shoulder-blade.
It hurt just as much as he needed it to.
Lily woke him the next morning, straddling his waist wrapped only in one of James' old Quidditch practice jerseys, a mug of coffee in her hand making her fingers hot on his skin. He lay face down on the couch - Lupin having taken the bedroom upstairs for his own private use, locking the door on him with a grin. She traced the marks with her fingernail, drawing up fresh memories of blood and pain on his still-raw skin.
For each one, she whispered a name, Peter.
Remus.
James.
Harry.
Lily.
In the dark of Azkaban, Sirius could still feel the possessive touch of Lily's fingers on his skin.
Maybe it was that memory that kept him sane.
Or maybe it was the one that drove him deepest into the darkness.