Chapter Text
Emma and Regina were riding their bikes after school. The summer sun was making its mark on their skin, heralding the end of their Eleventh Grade year. They arrived at Regina’s house, per usual, hanging out most of the afternoon, doing homework or talking, sometimes making dinner.
Emma never liked being at her house if she could help it, because her house was very lonely. Her mother used to be a psychiatric nurse until a rather large patient off his meds rushed her and caused spinal damage. She eventually went on workers compensation. She had many surgeries, and overall, the surgeries were a success; but Mary Margaret had already become accustomed to the painkillers. This all happened shortly after Emma’s first year in eighth grade. By then, Emma had Regina in her life. They bonded quickly, and by the time Emma’s mom became negligent, she already had a place of refuge at Regina’s house.
The girls had Regina's house to themselves. Regina’s mother, Cora, often worked late; but her office was the converted garage, where she saw her patients. As a psychologist, Cora should have reported to Social Services Mary Margaret and Emma's always absent father for child negligence, but the system would have done nothing for Emma. Or maybe it would have sobered Emma’s mother up? Maybe her father would step up and stick around and give a shit? All what-if’s. All Cora knew was that she would take away the one friend Regina had in the whole town, and as it was, the Universe already took away Regina’s father, so, Cora looked on Emma as her adoptive daughter.
“I don’t want pasta again tonight!” Emma moaned.
“Well, mother hasn’t gone to the store, so there is little else. The sauce will be alfredo–different from last night at least,” Regina said hopefully as she took the jar down from the cupboard.
Emma started to fill a pot of water, “Fine.”
“Don’t forget salt. That will be another difference from last night,” Regina snarked.
Emma had forgot to salt the water the previous night. She flicked water at her. “Very funny, Mills.”
Regina laughed at her as she pulled out a sauce pan. She opened the jar and let the thick sauce plop out into the pan in clumps, “Ugh. I hope this is still good.”
Emma peered over her shoulder, “Lemme see...no that’s the way it is. I bet you have to add milk to it. Should be fine. Check the date.”
Regina checked the date and saw that it was still good until the end of the year. She read the instructions, pushing up her glasses as she tried to make out the microscopic writing on the side. “Yes, gonna need milk.”
Emma placed the pot on the stove and set it on high. She made a show out of grabbing the salt, shaking it and making a song up about salting the water. Regina watched her in amusement, making her laugh. “Not too much!”
“It’s gotta tast-a like da sea!” Emma said in a horrible Italian accent.
“Who told you that?”
“A cooking show.”
“When do you watch cooking shows?”
“When I watch cooking shows.”
“Humh, really? Because you’re always here, and I’ve never seen you watch a cooking show.”
Emma mocked her, repeating what Regina said in a naggy voice. Regina smacked her arm.
“Ow! I have a life outside this house you know!”
Regina eyed her, “Whatever.”
Although they were close friends and Emma was at Regina’s house nearly every day, Emma did have a life besides her. In the last year, Emma had started a rock band, and her weekends had been taken up with practice. Emma wished Regina could be at these practices, but her mother forbade her from going out on the weekends. She had “studying” to do. Cora had a planned dream for Regina to become a psychologist like her father and herself, or something in the medical field. Emma may be Regina’s only best friend, but she was not going to allow her to derail her plans for Regina. Emma may have been Cora’s adoptive daughter, but she could only steer her so far.
“So just how much salt goes into the water, Rachel Ray?”
“Until it taste like a mermaid’s snach!”
“EMMA! That’s…” Regina blushed.
“That’s accurate. Swear, that is what the cook said,” Emma giggled, grabbing a spoon to taste the water. She took a sip and coughed and gagged. She cleared her throat, “Oh man, I never wanna eat-out a mermaid.”
Regina laughed, “I don’t think they have snaches anyway. Think you put too much?”
“Naw, it's perfect,” Emma stirred the pot, hoping the salt would dissolve more. “Hey, did you get a chance to correct my paper?”
“I’ll go back to it when dinner is done. But can you sit with me? I'm practically re-writing it for you, the least you can do is be present.”
Emma flinched and snarked, “Not my fault you’re a perfectionist.”
“Not my fault you can’t follow directions.”
“Hey! I followed that, instruction sheet the teacher gave out.”
“The syllabus?”
“Yeah, that thing. I got one, right?”
“Yes, you did. Emma, you always do this. You have to be better...”
Emma snapped and cut her off. “I know! Fuck, you don’t always have to point that out. You know I’m not good at paying attention.” She saw Regina’s eyes furrow as she stood stirring the alfredo. She didn’t mean to snap. She knew it was harsh. She slipped her arm around Regina’s waist and kissed her temple, “I’m glad I have you.”
The irritation Regina felt faded away in Emma’s touch and kiss. She was always bailing Emma out, and though she questioned why, especially if her mother got wind of it, she did it anyway. Emma was her everything. “We are seniors next year, Emma. You have to be better. We have to apply for colleges, and college will be much harder.”
Emma released her. “Can we not talk about this again. You know college is not in the cards for me.”
“But you haven’t even tried, or considered! I’m going to have to go away without you, you know.” Regina stepped away from Emma, looking away as her eyes became watery. “That is going to be weird. And I will worry about you. What will you do?”
Emma was quiet. They had had this conversation a few times already, sometimes it escalated into a lot of yelling and crying on both their ends, making Emma hate herself for not being more of what Regina wanted. Emma did not want this to be one of those times, but she had to speak her truth. “Look, I know you don’t like to hear it, but I have my band. I have this dream of making music for a living. College is not gonna give me what I want. I have to get out there, make myself known. Don’t you believe in me?”
Regina look a deep breath before turning around and looking at her. “Yes, I believe in you. I love your songs. You are creative, and talented, and I want you to succeed. But what happens if it doesn’t happen? What will you fall back on?”
“UGH!” Emma groaned. “You sound like your mother. Can you have your own thoughts for a second?”
“Fuck you, Emma.” Regina stood her ground, staring at Emma.
Emma pursed her lips, holding back her anger. “I deserved that. Can we not talk about this? Please?”
Regina was upset, but the last time they had this conversation, Emma didn’t talk to her for days.
“I’m sorry,” Regina said.
“No, you don’t have to apologize. Let's finish dinner, and we will work on my paper after, ok?”
Emma went home very late that night, so Cora drove her home. Her house was very dark—no porch light on. Cora offered to walk her in, but Emma declined, and thanked her. Emma didn’t bother to pull out her keys because there was a good chance her mother didn’t lock the door. She walked through the front door and turned on the living room lap. Her mother was passed out on the couch under a pile of blankets. All of her pill and empty water bottles were laying around on the table. Her mother didn’t stirr. She looked more dead than asleep. Emma tapped her foot. Her mom made a subtle movement. She figured if she wasn’t foaming at the mouth, she was still alive. This satisfied Emma, and she bothered her no further. If she woke up, then Emma would feel obliged to make her mother something to eat, because chances were she had not been up all day. And if she woke her mom, then there would be drug-induced small talk, which was a complete waste of time; she wouldn’t remember anything Emma told her anyway.
Emma was not sleepy. Perhaps a little down, thinking about how much Regina helped her with the paper; she was right, she practically did rewrite it for her. She felt lame and idiotic at how much she depended on Regina to keep her academicly afloat. It wasn’t always like this. She cared about her academics once, but when a music teacher scoffed at her dreams of becoming a rock star, stating that there was no such subject in college, Emma then decided that academics had no purpose for her.
She went to her room and started working on songs.
Just as Emma was starting to drift off to sleep, she heard someone calling “Hello” from the living room. She jumped up, thinking it was her mom, so she rushed out. Thankfully she left the lamp on, but she didn’t lock the door. In the living room she saw her dad, dropping his duffle bag and then kneeling beside Mary Margaret, brushing her hair, “Mary, hunny, I’m home...it’s David. Sorry to wake you, but I’m home!”
“Dad?” Emma said.
“Emma! You’re home! It’s so good to see you!” David came toward her and hugged her tightly, lifting and swinging her around.
Emma protested to be put down, “Dad, I’m not five!”
“Oh to me you always will be, Princess! I’m just happy to see you! How have you been?” David grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her and took a long look at her.
Emma pushed her long blonde hair behind her ears, “I’m fine dad. It’s good to see you.”
“Not as happy as I am to see you! So, what were you up to?”
“Trying to fall asleep. It’s nearly 4:00 a.m.”
“Oh, right, right. Well, you know, truck driver hours,” David said and shrugged. “For me, this is just starting my day!”
“So, you don’t have a job? Is that why you’re home?”
“You know, I was trying to remember the last time I was home, and I couldn’t, so I figured that I could take some time off before the Summer. Didn’t want to miss your graduation!”
“I’m in eleventh grade. That’s next year.”
“Oh! Well, then I’m early! So glad to hear I didn’t miss it!” David says, laughing at himself.
Emma gave him a half smile. It was not lost on her that it had been months since he was home; but this was what he did—he would disappear for months on end. He was a truck driver, that's what they did. But since mother’s accident, he worked constantly—he claimed he needed to earn more money to pay her hospital bills. But there was a pile of bills at the house not getting paid, along with creditors. When Emma told him she suspected mom was addicted, he brushed it off and told her she needed to be there for her. But she wanted her dad to be there for her; who was going to take care of her? She tried at first to reach out to her dad, but he repeatedly let her down. As much as she wanted to be angry at him and hate him for it, whenever he came back, she did become five years old again, and fell for all his charms.
Emma yawned.
“No! None of that! It’s already morning, time to start the day!”
“But Dad...I don’t go to school until 8:00 a.m.”
“That is plenty of time for us to catch up while your mother sleeps. Tell me, have you been writing songs?”
“I finished two just before you came…”
“Then show me. Then after that, I’ll make you breakfast!” David guided Emma into her bedroom. Emma conceded. It was nice to have a parent who cared, if just for a little while.
------
Regina waited for Emma at her locker just between first and second period. Emma’s next class was English, and Regina had finished her paper and promised to give it to her. They normally met up with each other before school, but not today; Emma was very late. Her energy seemed low last night, so maybe she overslept. It still made Regina irritated and feel like Emma didn’t appreciate what she was doing for her.
Just as she checked her watch and decided to walk away, not wanting to be late for her own class, she heard someone running down the hall.
“Regina! Wait!”
Regina turned around and thrusted the paper at her, “Here, I gotta go!”
“Sorry! Thank you!”
“Where were you?”
“My dad is back in town.”
Regina raised her eyebrows in understanding, “Oh. Ok tell me about it later. We gotta go.”
Emma nodded and dashed to her class, Regina bolted in the other direction to her’s.
At recess, Emma was late meeting up with Regina, again. Regina had enough of her tardiness today, so she pulled out a book for her literature class when Emma finally showed up.
“What is with you today?”
“What? God, chill. Gonna start your period or something?”
“You know I hate when you do that.”
“Do what?”
“Dismiss me.”
“I’m not dismissing you. I’m trying to use humor to disarm the fact that you have a case-of-being-on my-case!”
“I’m not being on your case…”
Emma gave her a look, are you serious?
Regina wanted to know what was going on, so she changed tactics. “I was just waiting for you. I have your favorite bag of chips...” She handed Emma a bag of Takis, extra hot.
“Oh! You’re the best! I need this!” Emma rips through the bag and starts devouring chips. “I was looking for Lacy. I sent her brother Neal some lyrics last night I finished for a song, and he never got back to me. Wanted to see what was up.”
“And what about your dad?”
Emma grew still, trying to remain emotionless at his mention. “He came by at nearly four this morning. Kept me up having me play the songs I had just finished. I fell asleep when he started playing guitar. Then when I woke up, it was 7:30, so I rushed to the shower, but the house smelled like pancakes. He was in the kitchen making a huge breakfast, and mom was up, and they were smiling and giggling. They invited me to sit and have breakfast, but I told them I had to be at school, but they both guilted me into missing first period. Dad drove me to school. Said he will pick me up after, too.” She looked into her bag of chips and continued eating them one by one.
Regina, knowing the history and pattern of Emma’s family, just nodded quietly, and respected Emma’s silence. She reached into Emma’s bag of chips. “I have to have my obligatory one. Just to remind myself they smell better than they taste.” As she chewed, she took a long swig of her water. “Blech.”
Emma looked at her and softly and laughed. She nudges Regina. “Thanks for the paper. Ms. Ghorm’s gonna know I didn’t write it.”
“You read it?”
“Of course. You’re a good writer, and you wrote it for me. Had to care a little,” she giggled.
“Ms. Ghorm has no proof it isn’t yours, because I’ve consistently written all your papers,” Regina said shaking her head. “The things I do for you…”
“...and shit.”
Regina snorts. “Yes, and shit.”
She grabbed Regina’s hand with her stained orange fingers, lifting the tainted two so not to put the stain on her, “Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me.”
Regina smiled at her, looking into her piercing green eyes, and her heart swelled with emotion. She hoped Emma couldn’t see. She looked away and nodded, “It’s what friends do.”
--------
It was Friday. Regina has been waiting to see this movie for a long time, and she and Emma made plans to see it together. But she wondered if Emma would make it. She knew that her dad was in town, and that usually threw off their regular routine. But Emma did confirm that they were still going, so Regina waited patiently. They were only a twenty minute bike ride away from the theater, but they still had not bought their tickets yet.
“What are you still doing home, dear?” Cora asked a very pensive looking Regina staring out the living room window.
Regina huffed out, “Emma is late.”
“Late for what?”
“Our movie. It starts in 20 minutes.”
“Did she confirm with you?”
“Yes, mother,” Regina says irritated. “It’s just that…”
Cora waits for her to finish her sentence. After a while she asks, “It’s just that what?”
Regina hesitated to tell her, “Emma’s dad is in town.”
“Oh…” Cora says with understanding. “Well, she may not make it then.”
“Why do you always have to be so negative!”
“I’m not. I’m being realistic. You know how absorbed she gets when her dad comes home. We don’t see her for the whole time he is around.”
“She’ll come. She knows this is important to me.”
“Her father is more important.”
“That’s a mean thing to say.”
“It’s true. Emma would never admit that she craves her father’s attention, but she does. Her unstable home life has created a need in Emma that she will always fill with things that can never truly fill her.” Cora walked out of the living room.
Regina hated it when her mom psychoanalyzed Emma, or herself. Her patronizing, know it all, unwelcomed opinions always drove her to irritation. She wanted to yell at her mother as she walked away, but continued to stare out the window, clutching a couch pillow. Her eyes began to water as she stared at an empty street. Why couldn’t her mother just comfort her?
Regina started to believe Emma had flaked on her when she saw her riding down the street with extreme speed. Regina jumped up from the couch, grabbed her bag, and yelled at her mother on her way out, “Emma is here, I told you. HA!” She slammed the door.
Emma rolled into her driveway with great speed then skiding, “Hey! I’m so sorry…”
Regina rushed to her bike, “Save it, we have 10 minutes till the movie starts!!!”
Emma didn’t dismount. She stayed on her bike and followed Regina who had already bolted down the street.
They arrived just on time, but the line for tickets was long.
“Ugh! We are gonna miss it!!!” Regina whined, bouncing on her heels.
She started to get in line, but Emma told her to follow her. Regina looked at her surprisingly, but Emma grabbed her by the hand, “Trust me. Come on.”
They went into the theater’s lobby and Emma took them to the ticket kiosk.
“Emma, those only work on credit cards.”
“I know,” Emma whipped out a card. “Compliments of Dad.”
“Did you steal that?” Regina’s voice said going up an octave.
“No! Jesus! My Dad gave it to me as I was leaving. Said his treat.”
Regina’s eyes lifted up, “Oh, sorry Em. That’s really nice of him.”
“Yeah, he’s good for something,” Emma laughed.
Emma completed the transaction and grabbed the printed tickets, “Let’s go! Movie has started, but with trailers we will just make it!”
They took their seats in the dark, easily found with row and seat numbers. Emma checked the arm rest and it was one that lifted up, so she pulled it out of their way to snuggle into Regina.
“It's cold,” Emma says peering at her in the dark, smiling.
Regina looked at her in disbelief, her golden locks glowing by the film light. Emma took her arm and wrapped it in hers, leaning her head on her shoulder. Regina allowed it, noticing that Emma’s arms felt goose–pimply. It had been a while since they had a moment of affection like this happen between them.
Half way through the movie, they were holding hands. Emma held Regina’s hand in her lap. Emma was bored with the movie, so she played with Regina’s hand, stroking and caressing each finger. She thought back to the last time she was intimate with Regina, on her birthday, a few months back. She craved intimacy often from Regina. Emma didn’t see what they did as sexual, so they never really talked about whatever happened—though sometimes they touched each other between their legs, and it was pleasant. But she never consider that fucking, since they never entered each other. Still, their intimacy had deep, indescribable meaning for Emma. It sometimes scared her how much she craved Regina, but she never wanted to take advantage of her. She already did so much for her already. So, Emma would satisfy her cravings with others, but it never compared to Regina. She kept her trysts with others a secret, because she had a feeling if Regina knew, it would hurt her, and then they might have to have that talk, and she would rather not. She refused to put a label to what she cherished.
Emma was thinking more about these things than she wanted to as she played with Regina’s hand. She wished the movie could pull her from her thoughts, but her need to be close to Regina right now was stronger. Regina appeared fixated on the movie. Emma tested Regina's attention by making Regina caress her thigh. She guided Regina's hand onto her bare leg back and forth. There was a moment of resistance, but Regina slowly gave in. She watched Regina as her eyes left the screen and looked down at Emma’s thigh; she swallowed and bit her lip. Emma placed her hand on Regina’s bare thigh in shorts. She then leaned in closer to her, reaching up to cup Regina’s cheek, turning her head to face her. She looked into Regina’s dark eyes, with just a little glint in them from the movie screen. They looked wide and unexpecting at Emma. This made Emma smile. She gazed at Regina’s lips for a moment before leaning forward and capturing them in hers.
They finished the movie making out.
---------------------
“Do you wanna come over?” Emma asked as they mounted their bikes.
Regina was very disappointed that the movie was over. Having a moment of intimacy with Emma was unexpected, but always welcomed. When the house lights went on, Emma pulled away quickly, took her hand and guided them out the theater. Regina was having a hard time getting her head into focus. She didn’t take Emma’s invitation as a means of continuing what they started at the theater at her house. “Sure. Your dad is home?”
“Yes. He said he wanted to see you.”
Regina smiled. “He always does when he's in town. I like your parents.”
Emma hummed. “Too bad they are crappy parents.” She took off in front of Regina, with her following close behind.
Regina texted her mother when she got to Emma as Emma entered the house. Her mother immediately called in response.
“You know I don’t like you there.”
Regina stayed outside, out of earshot and whispered, “Mother! Nothing has ever happened. I don't understand.”
“Yet! You never know.”
“Never know what?”
“They are unstable people, you just never know…”
“Mother I'm already here, please don't make me come home…”
Just then David stepped outside. “Regina, is everything ok?”
Regina spun around, “Hi, Mr. Swan! I just needed to call my mom.”
David stepped outside. “Great! Let me talk to her.” He put out is hand and reached for her phone.
Regina, not expecting this, handed the phone to David without hesitation.
“Cora! How are you! What are you doing? Would you like to come over for a drink? I’m in town for a bit and it be nice to see you!” David flashes a smile at Regina and winks.
Regina hopes her mom doesn't kill her for the impropriety; Cora was not big on surprises. She mounts her bike suspecting her mom will want her home after this.
Regina waited for David to give her back her phone so she could leave, however she heard David say, “I can take her home... by 10? Sure can. I have my pick up so I'll bring her bike too. Thanks, Cora.” Savers handed the phone back to a very surprised looking Regina. “I'll leave the door open for you.” David handed the phone back to her and went back inside.
Regina put the phone to her ear, “Hello?”
“Make sure David brings you home on time. It's your responsibility, not his. Have a nice time.”
Regina said thank you, but her mother had already hung up.
Regina stepped in and was greeted by Mary Margaret. She was loud, in her face, and surprisingly coherent. Regina detected a certain “loopyness” to her manners that indicated that she was not fully clean.
“Regina, it is so good to see you, come sit on the couch, I’ve placed out milk and cookies for you girl to enjoy. I made dinner earlier, would you girls like me to fix you a plate?”
Emma was sitting on the couch, smirking at Regina’s bewildered expression, but trying to remain polite. She met Emma’s eyes as she was answering Mary Margaret, Emma clearly amused. She quickly made her way to the couch and took a seat next to Emma. Emma picks up the plate, “Cookie?”
Regina continued to look at Emma overwhelmed as Mary Margaret chatted on. Regina took a cookie.
Mary Margaret finally turned and went into the kitchen, “I’ll get your dinner plates fixed up! Turn on the TV, make yourself at home!”
Regina was about to tell her “no,” raising her arm to stop her, but Emma pulled her arm down. “Don’t bother. I already tried to tell her that we don’t need to eat. She wants to do this, just let her.” Emma grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on.
Regina didn’t know what to say. The whole scene was surreal. She hadn’t seen Emma’s mom this “awake” in years; she wanted to say something, but Emma didn’t seem phased. She too was acting like this was all normal. Regina supposes this is her normal whenever her Dad is in town.
David came from out of the hallway into the living room. “So? How was the movie?”
Regina choked on her milk. Emma handed her a napkin. “It was fine, Dad. More Regina’s kinda movie than mine, but, you know us, attached at the hip!” She slid her arm around Regina’s waist, pulling her close to her. Regina’s response was to resist, but she let Emma hold her, not wanting to cause a scene.
David smiled and nodded at them. “Ha-ha, right. I’m sure you had a good time with her, nonetheless.” He goes into the kitchen.
Regina got up and moved away from Emma. “What did he mean by that? And what do you mean holding me like that? He’s going to think something!”
“Like what?” Emma casually asked.
“Like...like…” Regina found it hard to give words to whatever it is that she is thinking and whatever it is that they did at the movies. She purses her lips, “I dunno. Nevermind.” She sinks back into the couch, and Emma pulled her close to her again.
“Do you not want to snuggle and watch TV? It can be like the movies,” Emma said teasingly, kissing her temple.
Regina closed her eyes and sighed, whispering, “I’m not making out in front of your parents.”
Emma laughed. “I doubt that we will get a chance to anyway. You know they are going to come back out and talk to us...for the rest of the night!”
Regina laughed with Emma. “I know.” They both groaned.
“Here you girls go! Nice and hot!” Mary Margaret appeared with dinner plates.
Both of them eat happily, much hungrier than they thought. David came out with a beer bottle in hand and sat on a chair opposite them, while Mary Margaret took the other seat. They begin to ask them a million questions and the girls are forced to engage in conversation until it is time for Regina to get home. Regina was kinda sad that the night was over. She realized that she didn’t hate it.
Emma went for the ride home. She sat in between her dad and Regina. Emma looked happy, even though they were taking Regina home. This wasn’t normal, but even if it happened once, she was joyful for it. Emma held Regina’s hand the ride home. When they got to Regina’s she thanked David for treating them to the tickets and the ride home as he pulled out her bike from the back of his truck. He said don’t think of it. Emma gave her a small peck on the lips before getting back into the truck. Regina watched them drive away. She felt sad that this wasn’t a constant normal for Emma, because she seemed so happy.
——-
Regina did not hear from Emma the rest of the weekend. She texted her many times, probably more than she should have. She tried not to be angry, knowing that Emma’s weekend was most likely filled with band practice, and her Dad. Still, after the special treatment she got from her at the movies, Regina was sensitive. The lack of reply made her feel abandoned and used.
When Regina saw Emma at recess for the first time that day, she tried not to be mad. Her manner was indifferent, and Emma picked up on it. Emma did expect to have to answer why she never answered her back.
“Hey.” Emma greeted cautiously.
“Hey,” Regina replied cooly.
They remained quiet. Emma broke the uncomfortable silence. “So, how was your weekend?”
Regina's facade dropped and her eyebrows knitted together, “You would know if you bothered to text me back!”
Emma winced. There it was. “I was really busy and exhausted. Sorry.”
Regina grumbled, trying not to pout. “Not even an acknowledgement? A small ‘hi?’”
“You really blew up my phone...you barely gave me a chance.”
“I see. You were punishing me for being needy? Whatever, Emma. I know you have a life, I didn’t mean to interfere.”
“Regina, it’s not like that. Everything was just really overwhelming this weekend, and…”
“...and I was part of the problem? It’s ok, Emma, you don’t have to explain…”
“Jesus! Stop cutting me off and putting words in my mouth! Can’t I just have a weekend to myself...” Emma stopped talking realizing that whatever more she was about to say, Regina would take wrong.
Regina stared at her cooly. “Go on.”
“Nevermind. Look, I’m really sorry I ignored you,” Emma reached for her hand to hold, but Regina pulled away.
“I just wanted you to acknowledge that you ignored me. I hate it when you pretend like nothing happened. It’s just that whenever we...have our moments like on Friday,” Regina stopped talking, feeling slightly panicked because they seldom discussed their intimate moments. Emma waited for her to continue, so she did. “Those moments change things, and I don’t know how to feel. Look, it’s my problem, not yours.” Regina didn’t look at Emma. She really didn’t want to have that conversation and she regretted saying anything.
Emma let the silence between them grow. She wasn’t one to talk about feelings or how she felt about their moments. She knew it changed things, and she wished it didn’t. Now was not the time to talk. But she didn’t want to dismiss or ignore Regina anymore than she already did.
Then Emma had a marvelous deflection. She leaned close to Regina to whisper in her ear. “I am sorry. I promise I will make it up to you by lunch today.”
Regina snapped her head and looked at her wildly. “Please don’t make me do something scandalous at school, Emma!”
Emma chuckled at her. “Like take you under the bleachers? That isn’t what I am getting at. But I like the way you think! This will be totally ok. Trust me? You will enjoy the surprise.”
Somewhat relieved, but still on edge, she wearlily said, “I trust you.”
----
Emma was first at their lunch spot when Regina arrived. Emma held up a trade-mark white and red checked bag. Regina’s eyes lit up!
“Is that…”
“Your favorite burger?”
“Is this the surprise?” Regina asked.
Emma nodded and handed her the bag. “I hope it shows you how sorry I am about letting you down this weekend.”
Regina smiled at her, but then it faded. “Wait. How did you get this? Did you ditch?”
“Yes, I ditched.”
Regina was about to chew her out, when Emma raised up her hand. “You just don’t know how to accept an apology, do you?”
Regina grimaced at her. “If you had got caught on my account, I would have felt guilty.”
Emma stroked her face, “Would I have? I’m pretty good at sneaking out, you know that. And besides, you’re worth it.” Emma flashed her a smile.
Regina cracked a small smile at her before opening the bag. “Em, there’s only one order in here. I don’t mind sharing…”
“No, I didn’t want any. All for you. Believe it or not, my dad packed me a lunch. Didn’t feel right not eating his,” Emma pulled out her brown paper bag, and in it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Regina smiled and they both laughed. “Here. Have some fries. I'm sure it won’t insult your dad, super chef.”
-------
Later that day, Emma found herself practically rushing home, in spite of herself. She knew there was a chance that her dad could be gone, but she was hoping he was still there, or at least catch him before he disappeared.
To her delight, he was still there.
“Hey princess! How are you?” David was in the kitchen fixing himself coffee.
Emma looked around, enjoying the coffee smell filling the house. “School was good. Where’s Mom?”
“She’s taking a shower.”
“Hey, dad? Do you know that Mom is better when you're around?”
“What do you mean?”
Since Emma had her Dad in person, she thought she should give it a shot and appeal to him about sticking around more often. “Well, she takes a lot of medication...sometimes it's hard for her to function. I mean, like most of the time.”
“I know. She hurts. But that is what she has you for. To take care of her.”
“Dad, she is an addict. I can’t take care of an addict.”
“You watch what you say about your Mother!” David snapped at her. “She is sick.”
“Yes! She is sick. She is an addict. She is never there for me. I am on my own most of the time. You are unreachable, and this whole playing that we are a happy family is bullshit! I’m the fucking kid here. Who takes care of me?!” Emma hisses at David through gritted teeth.
David looks at Emma with disbelief and disappointment. “I will not tolerate your language, nor keep talking to you if you are going to keep using such foul words. Your Mother will be out of the shower soon, and I don’t want her to hear you talking like this.”
Emma boiled in her own skin and held back her tears. It was clear her Dad did not hear her or want to listen. Emma’s mom may have checked out of her life with her medications, but her dad checked out by willful avoidance. “I’m not going to apologize for my use of words. If you can’t hear what I am trying to say, then fuck it.” Emma stormed out of the kitchen to her room and slammed the door.
------
These rare moments when Emma was not at Regina’s house was strange. It made her realize how alone she was. Her mother was almost always home, but Cora was a providing parent, not really an affectionate one. Still, having another person around was better than nobody. Regina counted the days when her routine with Emma would get back to usual. She was happy for Emma that her dad was home; but he never stayed long. Then Emma would always go into a dark place after, and it was a hard time.
Regina sat at the kitchen table working on a final project when her mother came in through the back door.
“Hello darling. Where’s Emma?”
“Home. Remember, her dad is in town.”
“Oh, that is right. Still, she doesn’t have any homework you need to do for her?”
“Mother! I don’t do all her homework.” Regina snips, looking down at her own work, her left hand raised to her temple.
Cora looked at her daughter, deciding to let her tone go uncorrected lest she disrupt her concentration. “If you say so, dear. Have you eaten?”
Regina shakes her head. “No. I was hoping to finish this before.”
“I’ve no more clients for the evening. I’ll make us a Nicoise Salad for dinner. Is that ok with you?”
Regina nodded, “Yes, mother, thank you.”
After a while of Cora being in the kitchen, she asked Regina, “When does your Riding Camp start this summer?”
“Two weeks after the last day of school.”
“And what will you do between then?”
“Hopefully nothing.”
“No reading list? You still have books from the list your father gave you.”
“I know. I will probably read some of those.”
“Are there any books on your father’s list that you think you will read in Senior Year? Maybe you can knock those off?”
“From what I know, I’ve already read most of them. I’ll just have to refresh. The newer ones I can try to read.”
“Newer? Like which?”
“I hear the AP teacher likes to read Beowulf, which I already read, but she pairs it with the book, Grendle. Then she assigns Song of Solomon, How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents, and The Glass Castle...I think that’s it. I think we do a quick read of a short Shakespear play, go over classics we need to know. Bless Me, Ultima is on the summer reading list.”
“Sounds like the AP teacher is young and modern. Glad to hear that.”
Just then, Regina’s phone chimed with an incoming message from Emma. She sent her a video. “Will you excuse me for a moment, mother.”
Cora raises her eyes, watching her daughter speed off to her room, leaving her with thoughts of concern about her attachment to Emma.
----
Regina watched Emma’s video. Emma had written a new song, performed it, and sent it to Regina.
Down the road I go, dark and into the unknown
Little lights of love are not enough to light my way.
I search for what it means to be happy,
Finding a place where I matter,
And when I find it, then I will be home.
The video ended. Emma didn’t say anything more to Regina other than to perform the song. It wasn’t unusual, but there was something in this song and the way Emma looked that gave Regina pause for concern. She texted her back:
Great song, as usual. Thank you for sharing it with me. Are you ok?
Emma took a while back, not really wanting to launch into how she was feeling. A lot of her feelings spilled over to her thoughts of what Regina meant to her:
I’ll be ok. See you tomorrow. :-*
Regina gave Emma space. She watched the video again several more times. It touched her heart and haunted her.
----
Emma got herself up for school the next morning and made her way into the shower—it would revive her zombie-like mind. When she was finished and combing her wet hair out, she realized the house seemed quiet and empty. That's how it usually was when her dad was not around. A sinking feeling hit her stomach and she rushed out of the bathroom to the kitchen. There was no smell of coffee, no lights on. On the counter by the coffee maker was an envelope. It was her dad's signature move that he was gone. She loathed the fact that he did this, but she loathed it even more that it still had an emotional impact on her. She wiped the tears forming in her eyes, hardened her heart and went to her mother's room.
Her mom was asleep peacefully. Emma sat on the bed and watched her. A majority of her time spent with her mom was like this; she had no contact with her other than giving her a shake to make sure she had not overdosed. But these past few days she was awake and alive with her dad around. Not perfect, but not taking so many pills to the point of dysfunction. Only when her dad was home. She was able to be functional for him, not her. She decided not to wake her mom and tell her dad left. It would turn into an emotional drama that would make her late for school, and just watch her take a bunch of pills to cope and disappear from her. Not worth it. She kissed her on the forehead and whispered “Bye.”
Emma finished getting ready for school and left as soon as she could, but not before grabbing money from the envelope her father left.
——
“Phew, it's out of my hands and done!” Exclaimed Regina to Emma who was sitting at their recess spot. “That was my last project. From here on out, it's all just sitting around and waiting for the last day of school!”
Emma looked at Regina dispassionately, nodded and grimaced. She looked down at the paper she was clutching in her hand, “Good. Happy for you.”
Regina set her backpack down and sat next to Emma. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
Emma glowered. “What isn’t wrong.”
Regina had an idea of what could be wrong, but she was hoping she was wrong. She wrapped her arm around Emma and waited for her to tell her.
Emma's eyes began to well up with tears. She shook Regina off. “Don't. That will make me feel worse.” She handed Regina the folded, crumpled paper from her hand.
Regina took it, opened it up, and read it. “Oh no! “F’s” and “D’s”! But we worked so hard! Ok, a few “C’s” and a “B.” How could you...for which classes?” Regina read the paper closely.
“Biology, Stats, Poly Sci...I dunno. Apparently I’m a shit test taker,” Emma said solemnly.
“Why didn't you tell me…”
Emma cut her off. “Jesus, you help me with everything as it is. Can't fix everything that is broken with me.”
Frustrated with the tone Emma took with her, she shoved the paper back at her. “No, I suppose I can’t. You know, sometimes it seems like I care and try more than you do. That is your responsibility.”
“I try…” Emma choked back tears, thinking about how she tried to get help from her dad yesterday and failed. “You know, you’re right. It is my responsibility. To tell you the truth. I don’t care. I need to just focus on my music, and get the fuck out of this town. Don’t worry about me, Regina. I’m not your concern.”
Emma grabbed her backpack and left Regina at the table.
Emma knew Regina was the only person in the world who cared if she lived or died, and though that meant the world to her, she couldn’t burden her with her needs. She hated snapping at Regina like that, but she ran to protect her own feelings. She didn’t like being vulnerable in front of Regina because then she would want to rescue her.
Regina guessed that on top of Emma getting shitty grades, she probably guessed right—her dad left. If she went after her, they would probably fight. Emma left the paper on the table. Regina looked it over. At the bottom of the paper, it indicated that she needed to go to summer school to make up at least two of the classes.
Despite what Emma said, Emma was Regina’s concern. She was her best friend and could never let her down. She decided that if Emma was going to summer school, then she would enroll with her.