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Watts took a deep breath, crisp autumn air filling his lungs and clearing his head. So much had happened this week, and while for the rest of station house number four the Paxton case was closed, Watts’ world had been thrown wide open.
Brackenreid’s words had been ringing in his head for the past few days. It wasn’t anything Watts hadn’t said to himself in the years he struggled to accept himself for who he was and who he loved.
But he had faced those fears one by one.
He’d seen Detective Scott lose his job.
He’d seen Jackson take his final breaths.
He knew what the worst case scenarios were. And yet, with it all laid before him, Watts found that nothing was worse than continuing on as he had been, ignoring a truth so fundamental to his being.
As he began to walk, his direction had never been so clear. He finally knew somewhere he could go where he might not be alone.
***
Watts and Walker had been walking for a few minutes. Watts was careful to make sure they took less busy streets so that they could minimize the risk of them been seen together. There had been only silence so far, except for Walker occasionally pointing him in the direction of Paxton’s house, until Watts finally gathered the nerve to break it.
“I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I know what it can be like to lose somebody close.”
Sorry was something Watts had wanted to express since meeting the man. Sorry. Sorry. I’m so sorry. Watts tried to convey it in his glances, in the softening of his voice, and now in the trust that he was offering blind, based on nothing but a feeling that Watts couldn’t put into words.
Walker continued on, glancing over at Watts with a discerning stare, as if trying to figure out what he meant. Finding nothing but sincerity, Walker nodded and moved his gaze to the ground in solemn reflection.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Was it recently?”
Watts tilted his head thoughtfully. “Depends on which one.” Watts paused, thinking. “A few years ago there was a constable- a friend who meant a great deal to me. He was a good man. He had an extraordinary wit. I miss sharing conversation with him.”
Walker nodded, taking a deep breath.
“How did you manage to… carry on?” Walker asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Watts took a moment to articulate his response, plucking a yellowing leaf off a tree as he passed and twirling it between his fingers as he thought.
“Well, I miss him, yes. But it’s not death itself that bothers me. Socrates believed that death is nothing to fear, either a dreamless sleep or a passage to another life, neither of which is bad. Zhuangzi believed there is no reason to fear the death of loved ones, since it is inevitable. To deny the inevitability of death is to deny yourself the joys of life.”
Walker nodded.
“I suppose that’s a nice way to see it. I just… I went over to make amends of sorts, and now I never can.” Walker shook his head, tilting it upwards with a sigh and a sad smile. “He was so many things that I wish I could be. I never told him how much I admired him.”
“He sounds like a remarkable man.”
Walker was staring again, with his ever observant and intense gaze. Something about it made Watts’ heartbeat pick up uncomfortably, and he avoided eye contact in favour of examining the new street they’d crossed to. It was lined with large, expensive looking houses with well kept gardens. He recognized it as close to their destination. Watts was both disappointed and relieved to be able to change the subject.
“Right up here, correct?”
Walker nodded and lead the way, back to business. As they reached the door of the mansion Watts’ mind wandered, imagining the place with laughter bubbling inside, the warmth of friendship and wine, full of possibility. Even though the windows were dark and the rooms were empty and cold, when Walker looked back at him and gave a small smile, Watts felt as though he had a glimpse of what it could have been like.
***
Even though Watts’ mind had been set as stone on the walk over, as he reached Jack Walker’s door his thoughts began to crumble in an avalanche around him.
He doesn’t want to see me, he definitely doesn’t want to see a police officer at his door, and he would have found me before leaving the station house if he wanted to see me and what if he doesn’t like me and-
Watts knocked.
And immediately turned around. This was definitely a mistake.
Watts only experienced a brief rush of relief at not having to follow through with his ill prepared plans before he heard the click of the door opening. Watts shot back around, a spike of adrenaline rushing through his veins at the sound. His heart stuttered an extra beat at the sight of Jack Walker with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his waistcoat unbuttoned, clearly winding down for the night.
“Detective Watts.”
Watts could tell he looked just as surprised to see Walker as Walker looked to see him and endeavoured to make himself appear more composed- as he should be, since he was the one knocking on Walker’s door. Straightening his arm to lean on the wall in what he hoped was a casual look, Watts said the first acceptable thing that came to mind.
“Mr. Walker, I wanted to thank you for your help with the case. It was instrumental in catching Mr. Paxtons killer.” Watts punctuated the statement by letting his arm fall awkwardly down to his pocket. It wasn’t a lie, although it wasn’t exactly what Watts had been hoping to say. Finding the right words harder to come by, Watts stood there, his head distressingly blank.
“I’m glad.”
Watts was distinctly aware that he should be saying something in response, but he really hadn’t thought that he’d make it this far. His heart rate was picking up by the second. It was pounding in his head, making it impossible to think, and Walker was right there in front of him and he had so much that he had hoped to say but he didn’t know where to start, so he just stood there saying nothing, dropping his stare when the eye contact became too much.
To Watts’ relief, his silence seemed to have relayed something to Walker well enough. The man relaxed, crossing his arms lightly and giving Watts a soft, knowing smile.
“Did you need something else from me?” asked Walker, as if he already knew the answer.
Watts wanted so much that he ached. He took a deep breath.
“Do you mind if I…call you Jack?” Watts said, the last word falling like a confession rather than lifting into a question.
As a response, Jack led him inside without a word. Watts took a deep breath, feeling there was something momentous in crossing the threshold. Once he did, there would be no going back. With a resolute step, Watts left his old self behind.
Inside, Watts looked around the one room apartment, carefully taking it all in. There was a sense of unreality to being here, at having this glimpse into Jack’s life. It was strangely intimate, seeing a cup of tea and an open book on the small round table, a jacket draped across a chair. Watts wanted to know him, had been curious about him since seeing the photo at Owen Paxton’s house. There was something about Jack that was mesmerizing like fire- he was a sharp, unyielding flame when challenged; a soft, warm presence when given his freedom. His warmth, his strength set Watts alight with a courage that he hadn’t felt before. A courage to be true to himself.
Watts had been so preoccupied by his thoughts that a few inattentive steps forward brought him closer to Jack than he had intended. Watts looked up, his eyes shooting wide and leaning back in surprise when he realized he had invaded Jack’s personal space unintentionally. Jack made a surprised sound, reaching out on impulse to grab hold of the off balance detective’s arms. He gave Watts a small reassuring smile as his hands trailed down to Watts elbows to steady him. Watts breathed a small nervous laugh, heart pounding at their sudden closeness. The moment lingered. As it went on Jack’s smile fell into something softer, his eyes serious. Watts met his gaze to find tenderness, a vulnerability, a question.
As Jack opened his mouth to give it voice, Watts gave him an answer. Leaning forward, Watts pressed their lips together with a gentle firmness. The kiss only lasted a second before Watts pulled back, wide eyed gaze darting around Jack’s face. Jack’s look was softly surprised, heavy with desire, and in a second he pulled Watts into him again, closer than before. He kissed him. And kissed him, and kissed him again, hands moving up to cradle Watts’ face before finally breaking the moment with a smile he couldn’t contain. Watts hands settled onto Jack’s chest, loosening where before they had been twisted in his shirt. After a moment his eyes fluttered open, and he breathed a shaky sigh.
“I knew you must be like me,” Jack breathed in wonder. Watts tapped his fingers absentmindedly against Jack’s chest, looking down to avoid eye contact.
“I’ve never... been with a man before. But, yes, I am.” As he said it, Watts felt his heart settle in his chest. It felt terrifying, and freeing, and true. Suddenly worried, he met Jack’s gaze with wide eyes. “Is it that obvious?”
Jack’s hands moved down to either side of Watts neck, thumb brushing a reassuring line back and forth. “Don’t worry, Watts. No one else can tell. It’s just that people like me- like us- are not used to your sort of kindness from people who know about the way we are.” He paused for a moment before confessing, “and maybe it was a bit of wishful thinking too.”
“Llewellyn. You can call me Llewellyn.”
Jack smiled, his gaze softening. “Okay, Llewellyn.” He leaned in slowly to kiss Watts again, but it was only a moment before Watts pulled away. Jack pulled back too with a questioning look, all contact lost save for a hand resting gently on Watts’ forearm. Watts felt cold at even the small space respectfully given. “Do you want to stop?” Jack asked gently.
Watts reached out to take both of Jack’s hands in his own, pulling him closer again. “No, I like this very much. I like you very much, I really do. But I’ve never done this before, and I’m not sure if I can- I’m not sure how long I can do this for.”
Jack’s face fell with a solemn understanding. He looked down, interlacing their fingers and bringing both their hands up to his chest before responding.
“I wish I could tell you that this isn’t a risk. I really do. But I can’t.” He took a deep breath, finding the right words before continuing. “What I can tell you is that these feelings, they don’t go away. And it’s never easy, but it does get easier.” Jack met Watts’ eyes. “I know how hard this can be and I need you to know that no matter what you’re looking for, I’ll be here for you. I owe you that much.”
Watts was silent for a long moment, unsure what he could say, what he could possibly offer to Jack in return for his unwavering kindness. He glanced to their interlocked hands, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. He blinked the wetness from his eyes before having the courage to look at Jack again.
“I just don’t wish to make any promises I cannot keep. I wouldn’t want to cause you any harm.”
Jack gave him a sad, grateful smile, looking overcome with emotion. He released one of Watts’ hands and moved his own to gently hold Watts’ face, thumb brushing a line back and forth along his cheekbone.
“I know. It’s okay. We don’t have to worry about that tonight. Alright?” Jack breathed sincerely.
Watts nodded, blinking rapidly. Seeing this, Jack pulled Watts into a hug. Held in his arms, with his face buried in Jack’s shoulder, Watts felt relief. They stayed like that for a while before Jack finally pulled away, separate except for a hand gently resting on his elbow.
“I was having a cup of tea before you arrived, I could make some more, if you’d like?” Jack offered, gesturing towards the stove with his other hand.
Watts gave him a small grateful smile. “Yes, I would like that.”
***
And so they had tea, and they talked. They talked about the book Jack was reading, and what books they both liked to read. They talked about Watts’ job, which led to talk of Watts’ missing and then found and then lost sister. They talked about Jack’s mom, who he had always been close with, even more so since his father passed away a few years ago. Watts learned that she knew about his homosexuality, and although she didn’t understand why he couldn’t just be happy with a woman, she loved him anyways. Maybe because he was her only child. They talked about Watts’ travels, his adventures. They talked and they talked, and when it came time for Watts to leave, he stayed.
And that’s how they found themselves wrapped together, golden rays of the waking sun illuminating Jack’s sleeping form. Watts’ head was pillowed on Jack’s bare chest, curled into him with his left arm draped over his side. He blinked his eyes open, surprised at the early morning light. The return of consciousness brought with it a rush of feelings and memories of the night before, of gentle words and touches, of tenderness and longing, a feeling of rightness and of completion. Watts pushed himself up, his heart beginning to race. It was pounding in his head, and Watts felt uncomfortably light, disconnected from his body. He looked down at Jack, who was somehow even more beautiful with his sleep softened features.
For a moment, Watts imagined waking Jack up to a sweet smile and sleepy kisses. He imagined what it would be like to lay his head back down, to hold Jack and to be held tightly in return. He imagined making breakfast, and the joy on Jack’s face when he would awaken to his cooking. He imagined what it would be like to stay.
Watts almost reached out, his hand relaxed and open already halfway to Jack’s sleeping form before the pounding in his head became too much. Watts pulled himself back, closing his hand into a fist which he brought down against his own thigh. Looking up at the light streaked ceiling, Watts struggled against the tightness in his chest and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat.
In a moment, he carefully slipped over the bottom of the bed and felt the cold floor against his feet. Quiet so as not to wake Jack, Watts’ gathered his scattered clothing. He quickly pulled on his trousers, his shirt, his jacket. He lingered with his tie, heart continuing to race as he allowed himself one last glance to see if Jack had yet awakened. Part of him- most of him hoped that Jack would be looking back at him with a sleepy, questioning glance, and convince him to turn around, return to his warmth. But the truth of it was that Jack was unmoved, still sleeping soundly.
Watts peeked out into the hallway to make sure no one else was there. Seeing it was all clear, he slipped out the door. Even as he left, in his heart Watts knew he wouldn’t stay away forever.
Back at his own home, Watts collapsed onto his bed, exhausted. He breathed out a heavy sigh, feeling a bit silly at his earlier panic, but also relieved to have some time on his own to process everything.
Even on his own, his heart felt lighter than it had in a long time.
Even on his own, knowing there was someone out there who could know who he was and hold him all the same, he didn’t feel so alone.