Chapter Text
The first week with Sue and Austin gone was easier than Emily thought it would be. At times she'd been dreading it - especially now with Ben gone, Sue was the only one she could talk to. But could she? She didn't even go to her wedding, and from what she heard from her family, Austin told them that she chose that.
She didn't care what her family thought. In fact, she actively was trying not to think about her family - the way her mother was in quite the state the day of the wedding, the way her father showed up unannounced like nothing had changed. The way Austin sounded just like her father when he was berating her in the conservatory.
Lavinia was fine, though.
And Emily was a poet.
So she spent that first week avoiding conversation on the topic of Sue and Austin. She hadn't written to them and Sue hadn't written to her. She was sure Austin hadn't written anything for her in his letter to the family.
And time went on. She wrote poems at a blistering pace, both nearly crushed by the weight of everything going on but also unburdened by it. Sue had married Austin, that wasn't something that could be undone or dreaded anymore. It had happened. Ben di-. Ben was gone, too. Her relationship with Death was on the rocks, too.
But she had her conservatory and her desk and her pen and paper. She had her books of her own poetry. She was a Poet.
Among other things, she was a poet who missed the person she loved most in the world. She wrote a letter to Sue in that first week and didn't expect a response. It was short and simple - "I'm sorry I missed your wedding, my dear Sue. I am not a whole world away."
She didn't send it herself for fear that Austin would stop it before Sue got it. Maggie let her include it in a letter she wrote to Sue, which was an offer to pick things up for their house when Maggie was in town shopping for the Dickinsons.
Then, a couple weeks after her leaving, Emily got a letter from Sue.
She ran upstairs as soon as Maggie handed it to her, gently and quietly in the corner as soon as Emily came downstairs for lunch.
She shut her door but didn't lock it. She did sit against it, though, curled up on the floor with this paper covered in Sue's glorious handwriting. This letter that was so recently in Sue's hands was now in her own.
Emily read and reread the letter. It was short and direct - Sue wrote that she noticed Emily's absence in the letters from the family and wanted to see that she was alright.
Emily scrambled to her feet and scurried to her desk, quickly setting up to write a response, anything to explain her absence from the wedding and the letters.
She came up empty, though. She'd written to Sue hundreds of times before and she was never at a loss for words. This was different, though.
Sue was married. Sue was married to Austin. Emily could guess that he read the letter and that he would read the reply. Emily knew Sue well enough to see the omissions in her writing - things she didn't say, words she didn't use, words that fabricated distance between them beyond the miles between Amherst and Boston, where they'd been when Sue sent the letter.
She ignored the little pang in her chest and set about writing. She pushed the image of Sue out of her mind, the image of her floating to the skies on that hot air balloon, with her new family. She was happy for Sue, she was happy she had found the stability she craved, that she was going to have the family she wanted. The family that Emily told her she'd be there for any way she could.
She finished her letter - a quick response succinctly detailing that she'd been mostly writing for the past weeks, with a marked mentioned of her newly constructed books of poetry just for Austin's prying eyes.
She signed her name and almost put her pen down, almost. There was more to say, there was so much she wanted to say to Sue. But she felt herself growing more and more accustomed to the compromise - this was Sue's life now. And Emily meant it when she said she had a way to be walking down that aisle with her, and she meant it that she would find a way to be with her through all of it. But she couldn't openly blame Austin for her absence. He was going to read the letter and if Emily wasn't there for him to yell it, she worried he'd yell at Sue.
She saw, now that she looked back on it with clearer eyes, how her father's behavior broke her mother down over the years. She would not let that happen to Sue.
She went to her bookshelf and found a flower she'd pressed. It was like one of the flowers she'd put in Sue's bouquet. She hadn't realized she'd been saving it, but of course she had been.
She put it in the envelope and sealed it.
She took herself to the post office the next day, not so much out of precaution but out of a desire to step outside the house, to get some fresh air.
She handed her letter to the post master and was about to leave when he called for her to stop.
She had another letter.
She didn't dare look at it until she was outside, but when she did, she saw it was from Sue. She could feel that it was thicker than the one from the previous day.
She sat under the nearest tree and carefully tore it open. It was long, written without inhibition and likely without Austin's knowledge.
It was perfect.
They were both tiptoeing around their feelings, their relationship, the future. Sue wrote plainly, though - she loved Emily. She missed her. She wanted to see her.
A few days later, Emily had come home with the second such letter. She stepped inside, rushing toward the stairs so quickly she nearly missed the guests in the sitting room.
Nearly.
"Emily, slow down, for heaven's sake," her mother said. "Didn't you see your brother is home?"
"Well, not technically," Austin said, standing and turning to face the door. "We do live next door."
Emily heard him and she saw him when she came back down the stairs and stood in the doorway, shocked, but he certainly wasn't her focus.
Sue was back.
"You're back," Emily said, looking only at Sue. She couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her face.
"Father wanted me to come get to work at the law practice," Austin explained. "And Sue was growing weary of travel."
Emily cocked an eyebrow at her. "Oh? Are you alright?"
"Just tired," Sue said pointedly. "And eager to see the new house."
Austin looped his arm under hers, smiling proudly. "Speaking of. Thanks for the tea, Mother, but I'm going to take my bride back home."
"You're coming for dinner, right?"
"Sure," Austin said, already grabbing his hat.
"Sue, do you want to help make dinner? You can show me what you learned from The Frugal Housewife!"
"Mother, she just got back," Emily said.
"Austin's going to the office today," Mrs. Dickinson repleid.
"Really?" Emily asked, looking over at him.
"Father really wants me to get a running start," Austin said. "He intends to run for Congress again next year and he's still without a decent law clerk."
"I'd love to help with dinner, Mrs. Dickinson," Sue offered, sensing a change of subject might be appreciated.
"Then that's settled," Mrs. Dickinson said. "Sue, we'll see you later."
The newlyweds left, leaving Mrs. Dickinson, Lavinia, and Emily standing in the drawing room.
"They seem happy," Lavinia said.
"Does Sue look...different?"
"Different how, Mother?" Lavinia asked.
"That's an awfully large house for only two people, is all I'm saying."
"Mother, they've only been married for a month," Emily jumped in.
"A lot can happen in a month, girls," Mrs. Dickinson said, standing up straighter and setting herself to leave the room. "You'll see one day."
Emily and Lavinia exchanged a frowning look.
"Ew."
"Gross, Mom."
Emily knocked on the door next door. She'd never actually been in the house. When it was finished while Sue and Austin were away, only her father had been inside to inspect it.
Sue answered the door.
"Emily," she said. "Hello."
Their encounter before had been so brief, Emily hadn't had much time to take in the sight of her. She looked exactly the same. She looked drastically different. She looked older, somehow. More tired. More wise. More settled, more content.
Mrs. Dickinson was right, too. She did look different. It was slight, so that only someone looking for it could maybe see a hint of it. But it was there.
It took Emily aback a bit, taking in the sight of Sue after so long apart. They'd spent longer apart, of course, but this was...there were a lot of changes.
"Hi," Emily said, smiling. She could tell Sue was doing the same to her - inspecting her, seeing what had changed and what hadn't. Emily felt older, too. Maybe more tired, but that's only because she spent her nights writing. She felt wiser, if only because she was damn sure of herself as a poet. She felt settled - dare she say, content?
"Maggie made bread, she wanted me to bring some over."
Sue grinned and took the basket, stepping aside so Emily could enter her home.
"How is it?" Emily asked later, sitting with Sue in her kitchen. It was strange, they'd never been in a kitchen when everything was entirely still. The counters weren't yet flour-dusted, the hearth wasn't yet glowing with the fire, it just smelled like new paint and freshly cut wood. It was like a whole new world. "Being married?"
Sue inhaled sharply. "It's...nice."
"Nice?" Emily asked, cocking an eyebrow, leaning forward on the table, and inviting Sue to say what she meant.
"Nice," Sue repeated, nodding. "It was exhausting, though, travelling and seeing the family and Austin's colleagues."
"He's really at the office today?"
"Where else would he be?"
Emily shrugged. She didn't want to talk about Austin. "I don't want to talk about Austin."
"Okay," Sue said, hands up. She didn't know exactly what happened the day of the wedding, but it could wait. She had a feeling she wouldn't like the answer.
"One last thing, though, on the subject," Emily said.
Sue laughed a bit, eating a bit of bread. "Okay."
"I understand it, marrying him," Emily said. Sue's eyebrows went up at that. "I get the security and the stability and all of it. But also...the rest of it."
"The rest of it?"
"When Ben was here, right before he left, I asked him to not marry me."
"...Right," Sue nodded slowly.
"It was our version of this," Emily explained, speaking just as passionately as she had that day waiting for the eclipse. "Marriage still is not something I want with some man but it isn't something he wanted, either. Us not asking to not be married, it worked for us. That's what I would've done with him. That would've been my this."
Sue nodded again, but this time she understood. "I'm sorry you didn't get the chance."
Emily smiled softly. She didn't talk about Ben to anyone but Sue, she was the only one who understood. And now Emily understood what it was that Sue understood.
"I just wanted you to know, I get it," Emily said. "And I'm happy you're happy."
"I'm happy to be back in Amherst," Sue said. "I really was sick of hotels and carriages and all of it."
"Maybe you were just sick of Austin," Emily cracked, half under her breath. Sue gave her a look, but it wasn't too stern. "Sorry."
"It's tiring," Sue said. "Especially now."
"My mother is on to you about that, by the way," Emily said, reaching for another piece of bread.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I think I threw her off, though," Emily said. "When are you going to tell everyone, though?"
"Uhm," Sue began. "I don't know."
"I'm surprised Austin didn't say it as he walked through the front door."
"I haven't told him."
"What?" Emily asked, half-chewed bread almost falling out of her mouth. "Why not?"
"It's...big."
"Yeah. And only getting bigger. He's not that stupid, he's going to figure it out."
"The last I spoke to him about it, I said I didn't want kids. It's complicated."
"Why did you say that?"
"Because I didn't think I did," Sue said. "I was scared of what happened to my mother."
"That won't happen to you," Emily said, leaning forward and touching her hand on the table.
Sue smiled appreciatively. "I've been thinking about it. I do want it, even though I am still scared. I'm really scared, Emily."
Emily nodded. She didn't know what to say, she just wanted Sue to talk through it.
"Not of dying," Sue said. "Not just of that, anyway. Of all of it. This is a person I have to take care of, forever. It's exciting and it's family and it's...scary."
"You'll be an excellent mother, Sue. And you're not alone. You'll have me, the best aunt ever." Her smile wavered just the slightest bit as she said the next bit and she could've sworn Sue's did, too. "And Austin."
"I will tell him soon."
"Soon, when? You've known for a month."
"Soon, Emily."
Emily nodded, eating bread in silence for a few moments. She could see this worked Sue up a bit.
"Why haven't you told him yet?"
"Emily..."
"I thought you would've, is all," Emily said. "While you were away. It was just you two, you would've been able to keep it to yourselves."
"I like it like this," Sue said quickly. "I like only us knowing. The second I tell him, it becomes his."
"Pretty sure it's already his."
Sue glared at her. "I tell him, and he tells your family, and it becomes everyone's. It's his and your mother's and your father's and right now it's mine. It's ours-." She cut herself off, but not so soon that the word didn't come out. "It's our secret."
"Okay," Emily said, not quite expecting to hear this but recognizing it as something she liked, as something she wanted. "Our secret." She stood up, like she was proud of this. "You look beautiful, by the way."
Sue laughed, rolling her eyes a bit. "Thanks."
"And I take my role here very seriously," Emily said. "As an aunt. I've been brainstorming and I've got all sorts of ideas."
"Like?" Sue asked, leaning back against the counter, smiling.
She was standing near the window. The slant of light coming through, shining on Sue in all her glory, nearly took Emily's breath away.
"Emily?" Sue asked. "I'm waiting to hear how you're going to spoil this child."
"Right," Emily said, shaking her head a bit. "Alright, you know how I like to give you letters in baskets out the window?"
"No." She wasn't answering the question.
"You didn't even hear it!"
"You're not putting a baby in a basket and hanging it out the window."
"It wouldn't be hanging! It'd be a controlled drop. Stairs are really dangerous, you know."
"Do you have any other ideas?" Sue asked, grinning.
"I was looking through old books and found ones I think the baby will love."
"Oh really?"
"Yes," Emily said. "My poems, of course, and yours, but also others."
"You are going to be really good at this." Sue meant it.
"Where did all this furniture come from?" Emily asked.
Sue was giving her a tour of the house. "We ordered most of it in Boston and had it shipped here. You didn't notice people coming in with furniture?"
Emily shrugged. "I was writing."
Sue laughed a bit, shaking her head.
"And this is my and Austin's room," Sue said, nodding toward a door but walking past it. "And this is a guest room."
"That's nice," Emily said, stepping in.
"What? The room?"
"Yeah," Emily nodded. "Nice bed, nice desk, nice bookshelves."
"It's a pretty standard room, Emily."
"No, I know. I just...you have a house, Sue."
"Lots of people have a house."
"Did you think you would?" Emily asked. "I can't imagine having my own house."
"I don't know," Sue shrugged. "I can now, that's what matters." She sat on the bed.
"Are you alright?"
"Just tired."
"I can leave," Emily said. "You've been travelling all day and entertaining and you still have to cook dinner. I'll go."
"No," Sue said. "Sit with me."
Emily did so.
"Did you pick the colors?" she asked, looking at the wall.
"Did you get my letters?"
"Yes," Emily admitted. "I tried to reply, but didn't know how to do it so Austin wouldn't see it."
Sue nodded. "Austin's not here."
Emily squinted a bit at her. "No, he's not."
"I really missed you, Emily." Sue took her hand and Emily held it, sitting side by side on the guest bed in Sue and Austin's house.
"I missed you, too."
"I love you, Emily," Sue said. "I know I married Austin, I know I'm living next door and doing all of this but...I love you. I meant it, that I don't want any of this without you."
"I'm not going anywhere," Emily said, putting her head on Sue's shoulder.
"I thought you wanted to get out of your father's house?"
"Yeah, and look how that went," Emily said, surprised she felt okay enough to start speaking lightly about it. It didn't feel wrong, though. She took a deep breath. "I'm a poet. I can do that anywhere, even in my father's house. Maybe especially in my father's house."
Sue was gently playing with Emily's hand, tickling her palm with her fingertips.
"I want to be here," Emily said. "For you. For this. I meant it, too. 'Sue - forevermore.'"
Sue lifted her head from where it was resting in Emily's and looked at her. "Did you just quote yourself?"
"I did. I'm trying it out. Too pretentious?" Emily asked, looking back at her.
"Not at all," Sue said. She turned so she was more facing Emily. "I never got the chance to tell you how beautiful I found that poem to be."
"I hope it conveyed how incredible I find the subject to be."
Sue leaned in quickly, holding Emily's face in her hand as she guided their lips to meet.
"Sue-," Emily said quickly, cutting herself off by kissing her back. She put her hands on Sue's back, pulling her closer and closing the gap between them.
Sue pulled her back, lying down on the bed. Emily was on top of her and she finally pulled back enough to speak.
"Sue," she said, catching her breath. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." Sue pulled her back down.
"I don't want to hurt you," Emily said, finding a moment after kissing Sue back.
"You won't. I promise."
Emily nodded. "Promise."
She let herself lie forward, one hand on Sue and the other supporting her so she wasn't lying entirely on top of her.
She kissed Sue's lips, her cheek, her neck. She found herself loosening her dress, kissing her chest, moving further down and further down until she certainly wasn't just kissing anymore.