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they say that when it starts, there's always a great sense of panic that hits you.
somehow, kibum manages to be completely calm. he's shaking, obviously, but that's not surprising, seeing that he was violently emptying his stomach for about five minutes straight – five minutes that seemed like eternity. other than that, he's far from panicking, rather... distant. curled up on the bathroom floor, eyes fixed on anything but what the toilet currently contains. he's flushed it down several times, but it didn't really do much, that thing is still floating on the surface, as if it was mocking him.
you can't get rid of me that easily, kim kibum, it says and he's able to hear it painfully well. two lonely petals are drifting right before his eyes, making their way through the puddle of blood that's now mixed with water – the puddle of blood coming from his fucking lungs there were more of them when he started coughing for the first time, now there's just two. two petals from a red rose, a rose that's almost as crimson as the blood it's now drenched in. kibum knows instantly what the flower symbolises – and it's far from eternal, passionate love everyone's always making a fuss about. somehow he doubts such love makes a person vomit blood. it is love, though. an unrequited one, towards someone – the irony of that fact leaves kibum laughing bitterly – whose favourite flower is a rose. kibum leans back, shaking his head in disbelief, although still calm, as if he saw this coming.
because maybe he did.
they say, do not love a beautiful thing or you will suffer (a-mi-go , he whispers to himself, like in their song; fate truly has a weird sense of humor). but he was never the one to really obey others. until now, when he has no other choice than to submit to the illness and accept the truth that cannot be denied. he loves jonghyun. the same kim jonghyun that’s a romanticist in love with roses and winter and animals and poetry and the moon (god, kibum’s whipped) - and also apparently not in love with his bandmate. nor will he ever be. the way it hurts in every sense possible? they have never said anything.
but kibum supposes they didn't really need to.
*
they say that being around the one that you love causes you even more pain.
kibum must be a masochist then, because he can't stay away from jonghyun, no matter how hard he tries. it's always been like this, even in their pre-debut days. they just... seemed to click, instantly. he used to loathe minho, be intimidated around jinki and, well, taemin was basically a child back then, but jonghyun? there was something between them, something that didn't really hold a name. still doesn't, to this day, because kibum doesn't dare to call it unrequited love, even if he has to literally choke on these words. he remembers now how he has once, half-jokingly, said they're a perfect combination. now this phrase seems tauting as well. if only they were, kibum wouldn't have trouble breathing every time his gaze met jonghyun's. he wouldn't have to fake a smile when jonghyun would raise his eyebrow, clearly suspicious as kibum says he's fine – even though he's not. god, he wouldn't have to fucking cough out blood or flowers. if they truly were a perfect combination, the love between them would have never been one-sided. but it is.
and yet, kibum does all of this without batting an eye. well, it would be hard to completely avoid jonghyun, seeing as they're in a group together, the point is... he's not even trying. he just can't. he's not sure if his condition is worse due to that fact and he doesn't even care that much, although he should. but the only thing on his mind at this point is jonghyun. not all the suffering kibum has to go through because of him. it's just jonghyun. his smile and the way he bares his teeth when the corners of his mouth curve up, the slight tilt of his head whenever he's really focused on something, his honey-like voice (especially when he says “good morning, bummie-ah, did you sleep well?” in the morning when they’re having breakfast) and the warmth that radiates from it. kibum can't even call this his guilty pleasure, because the guilt is never there. he just takes everything jonghyun has to offer, every little piece of affection, like a starving animal (especially when he replies eagerly with “yes, i did, hyung, and you? hope you didn’t stay too late again”); basks in his light even though he will never be anything but his shadow. if it's the only way to get closer to him, though, he's willing to try. he's careless, shameless, helpless, and... and they've never said how bittersweet this feeling is. how tempting it is to enjoy something that hurts you so deeply. or maybe it's not. maybe it's just jonghyun. or maybe kibum truly is a masochist. but that's just one of many things he will never say.
i love you, and if you're going to be the end of me, then so be it,
is yet another one.
*
they say that denial usually comes soon after.
kibum once again happens to experience everything in a different way. after all, there's no denying of what's getting more and more obvious with every day that passes. the blood, the diziness and these stupid petals. hanahaki disease, that's how they call it. kibum starts to read a lot about it and everything he learns simply makes him fucking angry. a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love; it ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies.
splendid.
so yes, he lacks denial, there's anger instead. he knows he can't really blame anyone but himself, and yet the rage is targeted towards everyone else around him. the society, the company – maybe if they weren't idols, it would have been easier for them to love each other, for jonghyun to love kibum – and, of course, jonghyun. well, that's an easy way out. to think your stupid little more-than-a-crush isn't in fact the only source of your problems. that really does help. solves everything. and kibum clings onto it, says to himself,
it's all his fault,
that goddamned bastard,
because he's just too perfect.
otherwise... it would all hurt to the point kibum wouldn't be able to take it anymore.
they say he's a diva, a stage queen, a sassy, sexy bitch. he's not. (“you’re so, so much more”, jonghyun used to say. maybe that’s when kibum truly fell for him). he hates it, hates these names. not only because it makes him feel a painful sense of belittlement – even though they were probably meant to be compliments – but also because, well, if the whole fucking world can see him as some sort of a god, why can't the one that his own world is centered around love him? if he really is so amazing, why isn't it enough? why isn't kibum enough? because obviously he isn't. he's no one compared to kim jonghyun, who sings like an angel, has a body of a greek god, holds the entire universe in his eyes, and he... he's out of kibum's league. just a friend. and that could never change. the only thing he can do to cope with it is to take it all out on jonghyun. that's what a true diva would do, right?
after all, no one's going to care that he’ll despise himself for it.
*
they say that the one you love often chooses to be oblivious when it comes to your disease.
jonghyun, just like kibum, has always been different.
„hey... what's on your mind?”, he finally asks one day, his voice quiet and soft. they're up in the air, flying all the way from canada, and of course, kibum has to sit next to him, even if he's still angry. flightmate is always jjong. it's simple, all about balance. great heights scare kibum, jonghyun is the one that calms him down. well, at least most of the time. „i'm... i'm worried about you, bummie. you've been so absent these days.”
absent, huh, kibum thinks. what a fitting way of putting it. and the funniest thing is that it's not only about his mental state. he's indeed been absent a lot, for example during one of the group meetings, but it was simply because he was too busy trying his best to avoid choking on a rose that had started to bloom in him. a whole fucking rose, thorns and all. minho was banging on the bathroom door, asking what's wrong, but eventually the sound of kibum vomiting and screaming at him to leave him the fuck alone made him go away. later, they pretended like nothing ever happened and kibum pretended he totally didn't start sobbing after minho had left. so, yeah. absent, distant and hurting everyone around him. if anything, that is a perfect combination.
„i'm fine”, is the only thing that kibum is able to say to his close ones right now and that's exactly what he does. it's a blatant lie, but what else can he do? tell them the truth? tell jonghyun the truth? hell no. he just grits his teeth and prays to every deity he knows that this all shall pass. „and honestly flattered, but you don't need to worry about me that much, hyung.”
jonghyun suddenly lets out a sharp, bitter laugh. kibum slumps into his seat and shivers, the petals caressing the back of his throat. this isn't jjong he knows, the soft person he's fallen in love with, this isn't him speaking, not really. it's tiredness, worry and desperation that kibum senses. and it's pathetic, because he's the biggest victim there, yet somehow he cares for jonghyun more than he does for himself. he wants to hold him close and kiss the bad feelings away. well, scratch that – he'd want to kiss him anyway and this is just an excuse. but god, he feels guilty now and he was supposed to be mad.
„yeah. of course, i don't need to”, jonghyun finally whispers. he sounds heartbroken, stares right into kibum's soul and it makes him weak in the knees, even though he's currently sitting. this is just one of the things jonghyun does to him. they've never said it's only blood and flowers, after all. „i don't need to care about my best friend crying himself to sleep or coughing his lungs out when he thinks i can't hear him. too bad that i do, kibum-ah. we all do.”
a best friend.
they’ve never said how much it would hurt to hear these particular three words instead of the usual i love you. and god, how it does. his chest is on fire and he cannot breathe properly. a friend? is that all who kibum is? he used to be jonghyun’s soulmate, the happiest moment of his life. he wants to be his lover, the only one he’ll ever need. but soon, he won’t be anything at all. so he might as well just start right away, take a deep breath and spit out:
“no one asked you to. so don’t trouble yourself anymore.”
somehow, it doesn’t get better afterwards.
*
they say there's a way of getting rid of the disease.
kibum has heard of it before, but never really paid much attention to it. nor to hanahaki itself. they say that you don’t know how it feels - nor you don’t really need to - until it happens to you. now that it has happened to him… he surely knows. for example, everyone hates him at this point, he can feel it. well, he asked for it. for an easy way out, and here it is.
it’s so weird to even sit at the table during lunch. minho just stares at him from afar and quietly holds taemin’s hand, because the boy is so afraid, afraid of his own hyung after he snapped at jonghyun on the plane and made him cry. speaking of jonghyun, he’s not even there, always choosing to eat in his own room. at least kibum doesn’t have to wonder anymore if avoiding him is the right choice. jinki, oddly enough, seeing as he’s the leader after all, seems almost unfazed. it gives kibum something to ponder on instead of whether getting cured is worth it or not. because this time, it’s far from being an easy way out. he can either rot like this, consumed by self-hatred and the little rose-filled garden blooming inside of him, or keep on living - next to jonghyun but without jonghyun and the memory of loving him. the choice is obvious.
one day, after the lunch, the eldest finally squeezes kibum's shoulder when he tries to stand up. they look at each other for the longest time and kibum simply wants to push him away the way he did with everyone else. it never happens. because there’s something, something in jinki’s eyes, just a quick flash, and kibum understands it right away. he knows. god, he always knows.
“i’ve found someone... someone that can perform the surgery on you”, jinki says in a quiet voice. kibum’s breath hitches and he feels the urge to run away. no, not the surgery, please, i don’t want it. i want jonghyun, just jonghyun. it’s probably visible, because jinki adds quickly, “if you want to. the choice is yours, of course. but i’ve had enough of seeing you suffer like this. and if you ask me, you don’t even need to.”
and there it is again. the need to snap. the twisted logic kibum lives by these days. hurt them, hurt them now, so that they won’t feel any pain after you’re gone. jinki doesn't deserve it, these harsh words and angry stares and all the screaming, minho and jonghyun didn't either. but kibum… he's so scared. he has no other choice. “how could you know?”, he almost barks, venom dripping down his tongue. “what the fuck can you possibly know about how i feel, almighty leader? you haven’t seen shit yet. i need to suffer, i will su–”, he stops immediately as he sees jinki come even closer to him, and flinches. despite that, he thinks: yes, hit me, that’s what i deserve, except that’s not what happens, because suddenly, he’s being hugged and it’s so pure that something inside of him breaks. the tears come unexpected and they just can’t stop. he’s wailing into jinki’s shoulder, repeating i’m sorry, i’m so sorry and jinki simply wipes his cheeks in a gentle manner.
and then kibum freezes in shock as his friend takes his hand and presses his fingers to the nape of his own neck. three little black holes, the sign of a successfully performed surgery, are hidden underneath jinki’s short mullet. kibum fights the urge to sob even louder. he’s known jinki for so many years and he’s never even noticed. god, he’s been so fucking dumb. “kibum... i can tell you for sure that not everything they say has to be true. you’re both so lost, but i’ve never seen something like that with my love, and i wish you could see it, too. the way jonghyun really looks at you.”
they keep on talking for what seems like hours. jinki smiles a lot despite the painful story about his unrequited love he’s telling, and kibum? he catches a glimpse of hope that maybe, just maybe, his whole disease is simply a misconception. he’s still not completely sure if that’s the case.
but for jonghyun, he’s willing to risk it all.
*
they say that when it ends, the biggest of flowers pierces right through your lungs.
kibum doesn’t feel anything like that, but he’s almost sure it’s the end. even the fate has chosen a perfect time for him. the rest of the members are away to continue with their schedule, without him. their manager released a statement yesterday that resulted in kibum’s name trending on naver and had jinki staring at his friend with a mix of anger (because well, kibum hasn’t done anything to talk to jonghyun since jinki found out about his disease, too scared to face jjong and have his hope crushed) and sadness in his eyes. shinee’s key won’t participate in today’s special mnet show along with the group due to his health problems. please cheer on him as he’s resting and recovering!
resting, that one’s kinda right. after all, he’s laying on the floor, curled up next to the sofa and it’s surprisingly warm under the blanket made of petals. so warm that he cannot really move. but it feels pleasant. they’ve never said it would be like this, they said he would panic, and he’s as calm as when he realized he’s in love with jonghyun. it’s only the blood that’s not really necessary - still, it’s there, covering his mouth and his clothes. that doesn’t matter, though. he wants to sleep. he’s almost sure he’s asleep right now and that he dreams about jonghyun. his prince charming, coming there to rescue him. he can even hear his voice. oh god, how they would laugh at him.
“i can’t believe he forgot his phone again and i have to be the one to get it”, jjong says in his dream and kibum smiles. it feels so real. the honey, the warmth, the love. “i’m not his dongsaeng, for heaven’s - kibum? ”, he suddenly chokes out. in the dream, kibum looks up and sees him in the room, with that beautiful face that he’s always adored and the eyes that hypnotised him. now, they’re full of terror and oh, is jonghyun crying? why would kibum dream about something like this? he tries to reach out to his hyung, but his limbs feel so numb. “oh my god, kibum, you… that’s what it was about, you’re…”, he cannot finish his sentence. instead, he steps forward and falls down on his knees, right in front of kibum. when the younger feels his fingers on his skin, when his cheeks are being softly cupped, that’s when he understands.
it’s not a dream at all.
“who is it?”, jonghyun whispers, full-on sobbing at this point. kibum thought his heart had stopped by now, but apparently it didn’t, as he can feel it breaking right now. i’m sorry, love. “who did this to you?”
say it, kibum, jinki whispers in his head, voicing the last remnants of kibum’s rationality. say it now. he deserves to know. and so kibum sighs painfully, his voice as faint as the wind:
"you did."
everything that happens next is a bit of a blur. kibum waits for his heart to stop beating but it doesn’t, and the pain that used to be his best friend for months is gone. the flowers inside of him are withering and he… he’s not withering along with them. he’s... free. jesus, he’s free, there’s no more blood, no more tears, no more secrets. there’s just jonghyun. in his arms, on his mouth, close to his heart - everywhere. there’s jonghyun and he’s kissing him with so much passion, his breath still shaky. it’s not only a confession, it’s an apology. and a promise of many more kisses to come. “i love you. god, kibum, i love you and i could… could have killed you”, jonghyun whispers and despite the pain in his voice it’s like a caress to kibum’s bloodstained skin. finally . “i should have said it earlier, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry…”
somehow, kibum can’t seem to get mad. he should, not only at jonghyun but mainly at himself. after all, none of them would have suffered if all of this had happened earlier. if kibum knew better than to hurt his closest friends and believe in misconceptions - of him, of jonghyun, of everything in between. there’s a lot of things to talk about for all of them, lots of feelings to resolve. it isn’t the end yet. but kibum? he’s smiling and other than jonghyun’s lips, there’s only one thing that’s on his mind.
they said we couldn’t be together.
i say that it’s a lie.