Chapter Text
Lan SiZhui, the adopted son of the Hanguang Jun and Wei Wuxian, model student of all the young Lan and others in his generation, last surviving Wen (though this is a fact in a very small circle), and recently a person bothered with thoughts of what could have been, what is, and where he fits within the dynamic of life. SiZhui had finished up some work in another city that was fairly populous with whole families, the most he had seen anywhere. Hardworking fathers, attentive mothers, and boisterous children. It was nice to see such content people living what he was sure he had at one point before the fall of the Wen Sect but, that was the beginning of these feelings. SiZhui new that he needed to talk to someone as he had been battling insomnia, his mind too full for him to fall asleep properly. Wen Ning was surely more suited for walking around like a live corpse that he was especially with classes in the mornings.
Lan SiZhui is walking down the path leading to a small clearing. He had asked Wen Ning to meet him there so that he would remain out of sight and so that others could no pry. It was evening and dinner was over so it was the perfect opportunity.
“Uncle,” SiZhui called out.
Wen Ning is sitting beside a small bush, looking up at birds flying back and forth. Hearing SiZhui call out to him, he turned his head stiffly to look at the boy. “I'm here, A-Yuan.” Wen Ning stood up and dusted himself of dirt and leaves as best he could, and waved to SiZhui. Whenever Wen Ning saw the boy, he couldn't help but call his existence a miracle. Wen Ning made a promise to Wei Wuxian, Wen Qing, and Wen Yuan before he was capable of being aware of anything, that hew woud do all he could to keep the boy safe. Until he returned to the Earth, he made sure his undead life would no be wasted.
Wen Ning couldn't smile but he hoped he could convey his feelings through his eyes.
“Uncle, I wanted to ask you something,” SiZhui starts. “What... what makes a family?” Seeing Wen Ning caught off guard, SiZhui decided to rephrase the question. “Does family always have to be blood ties to be strong?”
Wen Ning did not know how to answer. Even more so the question coing from SiZhui was even more surprising. He thuoght of what to say carefully because the question carried a good deal of weight and Wen Ning was unsure of the sensitivity of the topic to SiZhui. Then he spoke.
“A-Yuan, not that you remember your time with Young Master Wei, my sister, myself, and your grandmother, is their something you don't understand? Even thought Young Master is not relate3d to you by blood, he became very attached to you, despite you being a Wen. I think that... blood ties matter but not so much in your case.”
SiZhui understands that his situation has been an extremely rare one. SiZhui has always been aware of the fact that Hanguang Jun was not his father but, even so always believed to himself to be a Lan and wanted to reflect that and make his adoptive father proud. Lan Wangji was cold on the outside but SiZhui felt Lan Wangji's love when he would pat his head to encourage him, hug him when he was sad or hurt, when they would spend quiet moments among the rabbits or in the gardens, and when Hanguang Jun would hold him close when he thought of the one he held dear, which turned out to be Senior Wei. With these moments in mind, training, studying, becoming friends with Jingyi, and being true to himself made life somewhat distracting from the questions and feelings in the back of his mind. Now they had surfaced and SiZhui chose to not ignore them any longer.
Wen Ning listened attentively and felt his soul warm at SiZhui expressing how Lan Wangji, a man of few words but many thoughts, took such good care of SiZhui and is responsible for how SiZhui is emotionally healthy. Any other child would by now have developed some sort of problem; another Xue Yang was unneeded and wanted in this world.
“A-Yuan, I'm sorry if I really have a satisfying answer for you. My sister and I were very close even though I was timid and not as brave as her nor talented. All we had was eachother for a long time in how we truly felt about how our sect was. We condided in each other after the fall Wen sect began that we would make sure you would survive. Yound master Wei promised to help. To see how you had grown when I regained by conscious and after all we have doen up to now, we both have gained quite a bit... in terms of family and friends.”
At this SiZhi smile returned and thanked Wen Ning for talking with him. Though he still wanted a satisfying answer to his question, SiZhui told Wen Ning that he looked forward to their next night hunt, bowed then left.
SiZhui walked until he reached the male dormitory. 'Blood ties don't necessarily make a family. Father and I have that bond of father and son but, how does father see it?' SiZhui came up to his room and he was surprised to see Jin Ling sitting on a chair next to his vanity. Jin Ling looked up at him expectantly. SiZhui greeted him first and the gesture was returned, though, it really should have been the other way round. Jin Ling was a guest but a sect leader all the same.
“Young master Jin, good evening. Can I help you?”
“Jin Ling is fine...we're alone. I wanted to see you before going to bed.”
“Oh? How kind of you, Jin Ling.” SiZhui went to sit down on his bed. “What is it?”
Jin Ling looked up at him. He seemed to be looking into those soft gentle eyes that contrasted his own, which were fierce and always seemed to have a haughty tint to them. Eyes he was so comforted by whenever he could have an opportunity to look into them like this, when they had no one to disturb them.
“I really just wanted to see you is all. I had a long day.”
“Care to tell me how it went?” Jin Ling was his friend and he would do what he could for him.
“Just those lessons you Lan have to go through everyday. I'm not too much bothered by the lessons Zewu-Jun or old man Lan Qiren give but, you're Hanguang Jun was especially taciturn when it came to me for some reason. I mean he looked as if he would draw his sword on me at any moment!”
“Could it have been something you said?” SiZhui asked almost laughing. People always misunderstand his father.
“I didn't say anything at all! I was listening to Wei Wuxian and I just happened to notice Hanguang Jun looking at me with this cold stare.”
Jin Ling folded his arms with a huff and clarified that he doesn't understand how SiZhui can deal with Lan Wangji for a father. Jin Ling has enough trouble just looking the man in the eye and goes on about how Wei Wuxian does nothing but tease when he isn't being all serious during the lessons.
“Hanguang Jun is a man of action. He conveys what he wants to by demonstration. Senior Wei is the mouthpiece. Together, I believe their way of teaching is effective. I enjoy that about them both. I never have to worry about getting yelled at.” SiZhui explains as best he can.
“Why does it have to be as if he singles me out for some reason? What did I ever do to him?”
It was no secret that Lan Wangji was fiercely protective of Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji doesn't fully forgive anyone that threatens Wei Wuxian, be it past or present. Jin Ling exclaimed that he doesn't feel that way anymore but, SiZhui reiterates that Hanguang Jun's a fierce, loyal, and stubborn husband that will allow no harm be it physical or verbal to come to his own.
SiZhui does not want to voice his feelings that even he was angered at times with others, even Jin Ling, when they accused Wei Wuxian of things or threatened his life but he did not understand why . With his memories resurfaced, SiZhui believes he could not remain so mild-mannered when it came to either Hanguang Jun or Senior Wei spoken ill of. SiZhui would defend their honor without a moments hesitation. Instead he asked Jin Ling a question.
“Jin Ling, how do you feel when someone mentions your parents?”
Jin Ling frowned. “Like I want to break their legs! Teach them to mind their words!” Then he lowers his voice. “It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything not having parents like others. Even if their parents might have died, they got to know them and live with them. I never even got a chance to remember mine.” Jin Ling seems to realize his words about Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian as if he is just remembering they are the closest things to parents SiZhui has. “Oh, I see. I'm sorry SiZhui. I didn't mean to...aaah.”
“I understand. We're alike in that sense,” SiZhui says. “Except you have a keepsake of each of your parents. From your mother, her brother, and from your father, his sword. I don't have anything. No one to tell me what my mother or father were like. Even Wen Ning could not tell me anything because he said he was not in much contact with my mother and father as they were always busy after I was born and were killed during the Sunshot Campaign.”
Jin Ling was kicking himself internally now, thinking himself to be an insensitive jerk. How could he call himself a friend to SiZhui? He wishes he could just disappear for a second or crawl in a hole at this point. Jin Ling apologizes again and bows as he does so.
The two share a quiet moment, looking only at the floor beneath their feet. Jin Ling thought about what SiZhui said and appreciated the truth behind SiZhui's words. Jin Ling wished SiZhui had something as well but he had lost two homes, anything from his time on the burial mounds burned along with his once second home. Jin Ling stands and hugs his friend who after the initial shock, hugs back. Jin Ling says he will see him in the morning and figures he better leave before he runs into Jingyi.
SiZhui gathered his things for a bath. Afterwards, SiZhui finds himself heading not towards his room but the Jingshi. It was a dangerous time to be approaching it this late because it was no secret how “active” the married pair are. It was an hour before curfew, exactly when muffled noises could be heard from the Jingshi. This need to be done lest SiZhui go through another night of near insomnia, falling asleep with a full mind.
As SiZhui neared the Jingshi, there is nothing but silence. SiZhui didn't sense any sort of barrier, to him a very good sign. SiZhui walked up to the double doors but paused just as his knuckles were about to make contact. He was this close so why did he stop himself? His adoptive parents would not turn him away, this he knew so why was he hesitating? His parents...were they truly a family? Did they see him as a son? Was this all a pretend family to give them all something that they never had? Did Hanguang Jun only take him in because Senior Wei cared about him? Otherwise would he have left him on Burial mountain that fateful day? Hanguang Jun and Senior Wei are married but where did SiZhui matter in this? SiZhui's vision becomes blurry, his hand lowers slightly, and his face downcast, a shadow hiding his eyes. The reality that no matter what, he was and forever will be truly alone.
The doors of the Jingshi opened....