Work Text:
A man walked into a diner: Mean Joe’s Waffle Hell. He was half-way home after losing what he felt was the best job he ever had, and he needed a late dinner before he was off to find a dingy motel where he could get eaten alive by bedbugs and attempt to sleep. However, his sad plans changed, when what did he see - but a gorgeous babe who looked straight out of a hot rod magazine. black hair, red lips, what had to be matching contacts; leather jacket, full rack, ghost white complexion - with a female like that he had to make a move.
“ Mind if i sit here? You look so lonely.”
The dame looked up at him with sly eyes.
“ Go right ahead, but only with a name . ”
He grinned hard and wide .
“You can call me Spike. I used to be the lead singer of a band called Asthma. I bet you’ve never heard of it, we were pretty exclusive… ”
The woman looked at him with delight .
“Oh, I've heard of that band! I just love real metal. Are you guys still together?”
“ Actually we just broke up, after we lost a big job . ”
She flashed a curious grin .
“ What job?”
“Well, you see, I wasn’t just a metal god… I was also a super villain.”
The woman leaned forward, obviously intrigued .
“ Oh really?”
“ Yeah, i worked for this guy-”
She chuckled ,
“ So you were his minion ! ”
“ What? No! ”
Spike spluttered, suddenly unsure of himself .
“Well, if I was, I was totally the head minion.”
“ Out of how many?”
H is focus shifted to his shoes .
“ Um, five . ”
“ Including you?”
“ Yeah… But! But under my lead we almost destroyed The Aquabats! Like, a few times ! ”
That got her attention .
“ The Aquabats? Wow. Those guys are slippery… tell me more . ”
“ Well, I should start with the beginning of the end…
“Our boss Silver Skull had this amazing idea. He decided to set up a trap for The Aquabats, where we lured them out to this abandoned warehouse and waited with like, a dozen other people who hated them. There was like this snake guy, some weird clown, a firesuit guy that smelled like milk, uh half of 'em were like, random heel luchadores, which was weird. Anyway, we all waited for hours for these guys to show up, like it was overnight, like they showed up at friggin’ 8 am. Then they just barged in all the sudden with the leader guy going on about ”trusting his gut” and “we did save those kids” and “we can at least apologize,” junk like that. And then they all walked in and we tried to start our ambush on those dorks, but we were all half asleep from waiting all night, so they kicked our butts. Worst of all, they got the mask off Silver Skull, and like, recognized him or something. I don’t know. Anyway - snake guy grabs my boss and shoves the helmet back on him. Then the Bats start yelling about the weird state or country they're from, but we were retreating too fast to catch any of it. Then once we got back to the base after all that friggin’ commotion, I’m the one that gets yelled at, as if it’s my fault some fat idiot stalled his team or something.
“Then the next weird thing that came from that incident - like two months later, the chick we had on bass gets us all DNA tests for Christmas because she’s freaky. We all get ours back - I’m Scottish Italian by the way - except for the one guy in the group I didn’t know beforehand, Skillsawz. He told us his got lost in the mail, which i now know to be BS. He started acting weird after that. Like he got… clumsy. Out of nowhere. Then he asked me what I thought of the stuff the Bats had said about our boss - as if I could remember any of that junk.Then, like a week later, he starts asking about chain of command, like if I knew who Silver Skull is working for. And I flat out told him I didn’t know or care, and neither should he. He had a lot of other moments like that, of - I don’t know. “Sudden realization that we’re on the wrong side of the tracks” and BS like that. Like we were the anti-team to some superheroes. Duh! We’re evil! Why do you care now, y’know what I’m saying? But then - even freakier - I found out why he started to care.
“I found the dork’s diary from underneath his pillow while trying to steal his phone, to scramble his contact list after he pissed me off talking about some bigger picture BS. But I friggin’ digress. It turns out he was trying to flip on us. Basically, he did get his DNA test back, and half his result were for this one island the company had less then 500 results from. And - no kidding - the island is the one all The Aquabats are from. So the wuss decides to try to get on their side and flip us out from the inside! So, naturally, I lured him back to his room to kill him. He tried to give me some lecture about how our boss’s boss had a bounty on his race, yada-yada-yada, as if the fact that I’d get a big bonus from cutting his throat would stop me from killing him (which I told him outright.) My only mistake was forgetting he had his electricity gauntlet - the dork managed to electrocute me and then ran away while I was down. Friggin’ weak move. As soon as I was back up I went to alert the boss, who was pissed at me for not saying anything sooner, and he put the base on lock down. Except that dumb dub-step traitor disabled the friggin’ lock down, and by the time we could have stopped him, he was long gone. After a solid hour of yelling at the four of us that were left for this slip-up, the boss got quiet for a second, and told us he had a plan.
“The plan was to kidnap the Bats’ robot - which we did outside a gas station, while he was refueling their dumb van, and… drinking some of the gas from the pump. Gross.. Anyway. We kidnapped him, took him apart, and then let Silver Skull reprogram him. Turns out Silver Skull had no friggin’ idea how to reprogram robots. So we just ended up giving this deactivated robot a makeover, just a few changes. But then. Guess who shows up, but the friggin’ Bats - and Skillsawz, who ran to them like the baby he is. So the stupid Bats, the traitor, and their dumb robot end up taking off Silver Skull’s mask and taking him away, like straight up kidnapped him, so now I’m out of a job and my boss is probably in jail… so right now I’m on my way back to my hometown to find a new job. And that’s my current situation.”
The woman looked up from where she had her head resting while listing to him.
“That’s funny. You left out the part where you destroyed this Silver Skull’s ‘Wizard Orb.’”
Spike grunted in shock.
“ Wh- how do you … Who are you ?”
The gorgeous babe stood up, and in a sudden bright flash of red light, revealed her true form. Her hair looked almost sculpted, clay-like. She had no eyes, just a mirrored visor reflecting Spike’s dumbstruck expression back at him. Her face reminded him of an intricate masquerade mask, with red and gold swirls accentuating her mouth, cheeks… and a nose? Probably. Her skin was intensely red and covered with spikes. Fancy, dark, velvety scales covered her like clothing. She opened her mouth to speak, but her lips did not move. Spike noticed she had perfectly golden fangs.
“My name is Blanche, and I am an Agent of Space Monster M, sent to retrieve you so that you may become the next Silver Skull. Resistance is futile… I have been ordered to take you by force.”
Spike ’s shock morphed into pure elation. He broke into an uncontrollable guffaw.
“ Trust me , I have no plans to resist. So… you’re going to give me … all his powers ? ”
“All that we can provide. Some of his abilities were… biological in origin.”
Spike ’s lips warped into a diabolical sneer, and his dull eyes shined with glee as he leaned forward.
“Well then, babe. Take me to your leader.”