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Eddie Kaspbrak let himself into Richie’s room, as he always did. In his life, the Tozier household had become a second home for Eddie. A safe place to go when things got just a little too intense with his mother, a happy place to be on days when Eddie just wants to be free from his thoughts for awhile. There was something so comforting about Richie’s house- and his bedroom in particular- that sometimes Eddie would come here even when Richie wasn’t home.
Like days like this, when Richie’s shift at the video store wouldn’t be over for at least another half hour , but he knew that Richie wouldn’t be surprised to find Eddie hanging around in his bedroom.
Something caught Eddie’s attention on Richie’s usually empty desk. A huge envelope, with several pieces of paper surrounding it. Eddie moved over and quickly saw that it was nothing less than an acceptance package from UCLA. Eddie frowned. Richie hadn’t mentioned anything about applying to colleges, in fact, he’d seemed admittedly against so much as talking about it. Whenever it came up, Richie would immediately deflect the conversation until the other Losers eventually stopped bringing it up when he was around.
Yet here was not only proof that Richie had applied to schools, but that he’d gotten accepted to at least one. Eddie reached for the papers, going through and wondering if it could give any sort of answer to why his best friend had been hiding this from him.
Seemingly hidden under all the dorming information, was a printed out paper. Eddie grabbed it and pulled it to his face. It became clear almost immediately that it was Richie’s application essay and Eddie quickly scanned the beginning.
It’s funny. I looked at this essay question for nearly week, and gave up on it twice. I wouldn’t apply, because this was too hard. How was supposed to pick a hero? How could I pick somebody good enough for some big college board? I wouldn’t lie, and pick some great politician or people who did amazing things. Because yes, they’re amazing and wonderful and should be looked up to. But are they my personal hero? No. If I was going to answer this, I needed to tell the truth. And there’s only one person who could really be MY hero.
My hero is Eddie Kaspbrak. My best friend. The strongest person I’ve ever met. And he’ll never know it, but he’s my whole world.
Eddie made an awkward, hhhhh noise from the back of his throat and starred blankly at the paper. He should put it away, he knew he should. He should put everything back exactly where he found it, and walk away. Pretend he never saw it. Wait for Richie to tell him about UCLA.
However, Eddie found himself falling into the sit in front of Richie’s desk while still holding his essay.
I know what this probably sounds like. This is another boo boo gay kid, crying let me into your school! I’m gay! That isn’t what this is. Maybe a little, because I am gay, and you should let me into your school, but there’s more to this than that.
Eddie shook his head, dwelling on how Richie still seemed to such a Trashmouth even in a college application. Then the whole “ I’m gay” comment hit Eddie and the hair on his arms all stood on end. Richie was gay? Richie talked about tits and vagina and sex so much, that Eddie had never even considered that possibility. Richie Tozier was straight, hella straight. One of the straightest people he’d ever known. And yet... was this some big game? A lie to get himself into school? A school Eddie didn’t even know that Richie wanted to go to? Did Eddie know Richie at all?
It might be a little weird, actually, to tell you all this stuff. It’s not like you know Eddie, or that any of this would mean anything to you. Another application of hundreds on your desk, to be tossed aside and forgotten about. So, I guess I’'m going to keep talking. That’s a skill of mine. These are things I need to say, and things I need somebody to hear, even if it’s somebody who won’t care and will probably never think of me, or this, again. Perfect captive audience.
As stated above, Eddie Kaspbrak is the strongest person I know. If even half of the things Eddie went through happened to me, I don’t doubt I would’ve curled up into a tiny ball and never moved again for the rest of my life. Eddie, thought, he just keeps going. Doesn’t even give it a second thought, just lets it happen. When Eddie was just a kid, his dad died. He had cancer and I’m not sure he remembers it very well. He doesn’t talk about it much.
Eddie remembered everything. He’d only been five years old, and most of his earliest memories center around his father in hospital beds. He sees pictures of a healthy Frank, his non-dying father, and he has no memories of that man. His mother hadn’t kept any memoirs of his father during his dying days, so Eddie has no connection to the man who was to be his father in pictures, and the father in all his memories.
I know it hurts him, though. How could it not? He just takes it all. He doesn’t even have a parent to turn to, because Eddie’s mother isn’t good. She’s, frankly, quite crazy. She was so afraid of something happening to Eddie. that she convinced him he had all these diseases growing up. Asthma, and a bunch of other stuff. Had him half convinced that he could die just from getting dirty. Had him talking placebo medicines every day to control him. Had him thinking that he was weak and sickly.
Maybe she believed it, too. After Eddie told me about the fake medicine- and I’ll always remember that day, I wanted to physically fight his mother because I’d never seen my Eddie upset- I looked up stuff like that. I didn’t understand much, but there’s some sort of psychological disorder that makes somebody all attention seeking and make up all these symptoms for their kids. I never told Eddie about them, because I didn’t want to make him feel any worse about it, or forgive her and let her keep doing what she was doing. I was proud of him for standing up for him, and I still am. I always will be.
Eddie blinked hard, eyes suddenly burning with tears. He lowered the letter for a second and took a deep breath. He could still turn around it, put the essay back on Richie’s desk and pretend that he didn’t ever see it. Besides Richie being gay, Eddie hadn’t read anything he didn’t already know. Richie thought his mother was crazy? Eddie knew that. That Richie was proud of him for standing up to his mother? Richie had made sure that Eddie knew that.
And yet.
It’s not even just that Eddie is strong. He’s so strong, but he somehow manages to be so, so caring. He’s not afraid to call me out on being dumb ass when I’m clearly being a dumb ass, but he’s still always there to pick my dumb ass up when I do something dumb. He’s always been there for me, even after he told me not to do something. When we were 13, I was messing around near the edge of the cliff of quarry. We used to jump off it all the time, it wasn’t too far a drop. As long as you were expecting a drop, which I wasn’t. Eddie, and all my other friends, had told him a hundred times to get away from the edge because I’d fall. I didn’t listen to them and then I fell in. It wasn’t too far a drop, as I said, but Eddie still jumped off after me to make sure he could stop from me drowning. He cursed me, then mocked me, but I never forgot that he was the only person who jumped after me. So maybe Eddie Kaspbrak is also my literal hero.
Eddie smiled, remembering that day clearly. The irrational fear that had been struck through him as he watched Richie trip backwards over the edge. He’d, of course, known that Richie had jumped off that cliff more times that Eddie would ever be able to count, but all he could think about was Richie hitting the water unprepared. Of all the terrible things that could happen to Richie in that water if he wasn’t ready to swim. So Eddie hadn’t given it a second of thought, just run and jumped after him.
Of course, Richie had been absolutely fine. Richie would swim. Eddie cursed him and smacked at him, but he’d done it all with a huge smile of relief all over his face.
And you know what, board admission lady. Or board admission man... board admission person. I’ve already stuck myself so far out there, that I might as well just waxed poetically, since I already have. Not only is Eddie Kaspbrak the strongest person I’ve ever met, and the most caring person I’ve ever met, but he’s also the most beautiful person I’ve ever known or ever will know. With the prettiest green eyes, and the softest brown hair, and those ridiculous freckles, I could fall in love with him every time I looked at him until the day I die.
There were no longer tears filling up his eyes, but the tears that had leaked down his face and were dripping off his chin and nose. He used the hand that wasn’t clutching the essay like a vice grip, to wipe the wet frantically away.
And if I’m being honest, which I promised that I would be, Eddie is my hero because he has dreams. He has goals. He inspires me to have dreams and goals. I never wanted to go to college, never thought I’d do anything with my life, until Eddie started talking about going away. Talked about going to school, starting a life, getting away from his shit hand. It made me realize that life is more than just being born in a shitty town, and living and dying like your parents. That no matter where we started, or who they try to make us think we have to be, that we still get to choose who we are. Where we go. What we do. Who we love.
Eddie Kaspbrak is my hero, because Eddie Kaspbrak inspires me to live everyday.
“Hey Eds!” Richie cheered as he clicked the door shut behind him, tossing his backpack that Eddie knew from experience was packed up with his sweaty work uniform. Eddie startled, tossing the paper onto the desk but he watched Richie’s face as he caught sight of the movement.
Richie paled immediately and he seemed to sway on the spot. Eddie wiped the tears away at faster rate, but found that more just kept replacing them. A broken noise came from the back of Richie’s throat before he cleared it. “Eddie. I’m so sorry.”
Eddie gaped at him, shaking his head. “What the hell are you sorry for? Richie-” Eddie stood up, grabbing Richie’s hands and trying to pull him closer but Richie wouldn’t budge. “Richie nobody has ever said those sort of things about me, I can’t believe... Richie, would you look at me?”
“You were never supposed to know.” Richie said through a strained voice. Eddie could see the emotion all over Richie’s face, the walls forcibly ripped down. He could see the Richie who wrote those words, so perfectly mixed with the Richie that he’d always known that it made Eddie a little lightheaded. “I shouldn’t have even written that shit. I never wanted to ruin our friendship, okay, I just... I needed to get it out and seemed perfect and-”
Eddie pressed a hand over Richie’s mouth and knew that his own face was breaking. “Richard. Shut the fuck up.” Eddie said slowly, trying not to break down into tears. “You don’t get to apologize for the most amazing thing that I’ve even seen or read or...” Eddie closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I’ve never had somebody see me like that.”
Eddie’s hand moved away from Richie’s mouth to cup his cheek. Eddie stepped forward so their chests are pressed mostly together and he looks up at him. “Everybody should see you that way,” Richie said, voice raw and rough. “I see you like that always.”
Eddie closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together. His hands slid into Richie’s messy (admittedly kind of sweaty) curls and their lips moved together for several moments before Richie pulled back with a pained gasp. “Eddie... is this just because the essay?” Richie asked, eyes closed tightly. “Because I literally cannot-”
Eddie kissed him softly once more, stroking Richie’s jaw with his thumb. “It gave me the nerve.” Eddie admitted bashfully. “But the feelings have always been there. For you.”
Richie let out a little sob before sealing their lips together again.