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“You need new jeans.” Leda said, eyeing the thinning denim on his left knee and the frayed edges at his ankles as they turned the corner onto the Herbert’s street.
“What wrong with these?” Cormoran asked, looking down at himself.
“They‘re old, look at them.”
“As opposed to that jacket you’re wearing.” He countered, eyeing the leather jacket that his mum only discarded on the warmest of days.
“This is vintage I’ll have you know.” She said with an elbow to his ribs.
“You’re sure she likes red?” Leda asked, holding the bottle of wine out in front of her. She’d spent a full ten minutes walking up and down the alcohol aisle in Sainsbury’s picking up and putting back bottles and grilling Cormoran on what wine Nick’s mum usually had in the house. In the end she’d chosen the one that looked the most expensive but was cheap enough that she could add a box of chocolates to their offerings for the dinner party.
“Yes. Relax.”
Leda dropped back a few paces as they neared Nick’s house. The street was nice, all pruned trees, shiny cars and colourful gardens. They passed a man painting his front door an indigo blue and as Cormoran pushed the Herbert’s front gate open a group of giggling children flooded past Leda, one of them with wide eyes as she looked her up and down.
“Do I look alright?” She stopped and called to Cormoran.
“Yes, come on.” He replied, holding the gate open for her.
“No, I mean, I know I look good but do I look okay for a dinner? With Nick’s parents?” Leda asked and Cormoran frowned slightly. It was a rare occasion that Leda Strike was self conscious about what she was wearing. In fact Cormoran sometimes wished she was a little more self-aware.
“You look fine. Just try not to seduce Nick’s dad.” He said with a raised eyebrow.
“Cheeky.” Leda warned with a raised finger as she walked in the gate.
———
“Is that them?” Nick’s mum asked, a tray of garlic bread in one hand and a tea towel in the other.
“Is what them?” Nick asked.
His mum had been on edge all day and he’d managed to avoid her since coming home from school but now he was trapped at the table whipping cream for dessert.
“That sound, was it a knock? Oh never mind.” She said, throwing the tea towel onto the counter and barely missing the bottle of white wine.
“That smells beautiful, love.” Nick’s dad came into the kitchen still buttoning up his shirt. He’d gotten home from work and been promptly frog marched upstairs to change.
“Did you-“
“-buy an extra bottle of red on the way home from work? Yes, I did.” He replied with a glance thrown at Nick.
“She been this flustered all day?” He asked his son.
“Yup.”
“Oh shut it you two!” Mrs Herbert exclaimed and both Nick and his dad froze.
“I’ve been cleaning all day and cooking all afternoon so we can have a nice dinner. The least you two could do is not get on my bloody nerves.” She exploded and then grabbed the bowl of cream from Nick.
The awkward silence was broken by three hard knocks on the door.
“Fabulous.” Nick’s mum muttered.
——————
“Welcome, welcome.” Nick’s dad said as he pulled the front door open. Leda leaned forward, offering both cheeks for kissing, and he obliged before giving Cormoran’s shoulder a squeeze and shutting the door behind them.
“Something smells nice.” Leda smiled warmly as she shrugged her jacket off.
“Oh, we’re in for a right treat.” He said, his eyes glinting. “They’re here love.” He called back to the kitchen.
Nick came into the hall followed closely by his mum who was anxiously pulling an apron off. Nick came to stand beside Cormoran, each giving the other a knowing smirk, and Leda stepped forward and wrapped Mrs Herbert in a warm hug, eliciting a quiet ‘oh’ before she returned the hug.
She had invited Cormoran and Leda to dinner on a bit of whim. A few local youth groups had organised a fair to raise funds in their local park and with Cormoran’s boxing club being one of them, the Herberts had gone along to support him. Nick and his dad had disappeared off with Cormoran while he got ready for his sparring demonstration, Spanner had joined Lucy who was sitting on a bench reading and Mrs Herbert and Leda had chatted, albeit in a slightly strained manner, leading to Nick’s mum blurting out a dinner invitation.
Leda was an enigma to Nick’s mum. She delighted in her children’s achievements and was always affectionate with them but always in these moments if she was a witness to them, Nick’s mum was also reminded of the other times. The times when she heard the hushed gossip from other mum’s in the school and couldn’t believe the life that Leda led. The revealing pictures she had seen from Leda’s modeling days that she knew some boys in school had once brought in to pass around. How quiet and introverted Lucy seemed. The time Cormoran had taken part in an unauthorised boxing match for money and she’d had to pick up the pieces. All of the dark looks that passed over Cormoran’s face when he had to return home or when conversation strayed to his mother’s most recent boyfriend. She wanted to like Leda, she was warm and friendly and always had a story to tell, and she also felt the urge to befriend Leda, she was the mother always slightly off to the side, always slightly frozen out of school activities by other mums who Mrs Herbert knew could be as judgmental as they were haughty. It was hard though and the more they talked the more aware both women became that they lived very different lives.
“This is for you.” Leda said as she handed over the wine and chocolates.
“Oh, you didn’t need to.” Nick’s mum replied as she passed the bottle to her husband. A silence descended as all five stood awkwardly close together in the small hallway.
“So, that new roundabout opened up this morning.” Mr Herbert announced, eliciting various looks of confusion, false interest and dismay.
——————
The conversation had stuttered on as plates were passed around and knives and forks clattered. Nick talked animatedly about the biology trip he would be going on next week and Cormoran updated Leda on his history project. Talk turned to families and Nick’s dad asked about Ted’s work in the army. Mrs Herbert popped out to ring Spanner and say good night, he was staying over at a friend’s house, and returned to find them all laughing together and Cormoran with a wide grin and his hands outstretched as Leda pushed him away playfully.
Mrs Herbert sat and grabbed another piece of garlic bread from the plate. Leda finished pouring herself another glass of wine as Cormoran’s eyes watched the red liquid seesaw in small waves up to the top of the glass.
“Do you want some darling?” Leda turned and asked Nick who was sat beside her and then felt the dinner party come to a shuddering halt. She looked up and saw that Mr Herbert had a look of amusement on his face, hiding behind his own wine glass, while Mrs Herbert’s mouth had dropped open.
“No, I’m... that’s okay.” Nick replied, his eyes darting from his mother to his dad, each giving different signals and muddling his reaction.
“Mum.” Cormoran said quietly and Leda looked from him to Mrs Herbert whose face barely concealed the outrage she felt.
“What?” Leda said, looking around the table, “Oh come on, he’s old enough. They both are. Here baby, have a drink.” Leda said turning to Cormoran and offering him the bottle of wine. Cormoran made no move to accept it and instead looked to Mrs Herbert. Leda pulled the wine back and a heavy feeling of betrayal settled in her chest like static energy.
“I’m alright mum, honestly.” Cormoran replied, his eyes falling to Nick in a plea to him to somehow change the conversation.
“There’s some Coke in the fridge. Do you want a Coke Oggy? I’ll go get some Coke.” Nick stuttered as he fled to the fridge at the far end of the kitchen.
“I think we have some Ribena in there if you want to water down the wine.” Nick’s dad said, eliciting a snort of laughter from Leda and earning him an ice cold glare from his wife.
“Coke is fine.” Cormoran replied, grabbing a can from Nick as he returned and taking one long gulp with slightly flushed cheeks.
“Is that what you give my son when he’s at yours? Wine?” Nick’s mum asked coolly.
“No.” Cormoran quickly answered.
“Why is a glass of wine such a big issue? They’re old enough. Better they have a drink with us than in a field somewhere.” Leda responded, no smile on her face and with a tone that Cormoran knew meant she was losing patience.
“A glass or ten?” Mrs Herbert muttered under her breath and Cormoran’s head shot up.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Leda asked.
“Nothing, just-” Mrs Herbert replied, backpedaling somewhat and aware of Cormoran’s darkened gaze on her.
“This pasta is great, isn’t it?” Nick announced loudly, holding a forkful in the air and grinning at his dad and Cormoran.
“Mm, lovely son.” Nick’s dad replied but his gaze was flickering between his wife and Leda.
“What do you tell her about me?” Leda asked, turning to Cormoran and Mrs Herbert suddenly felt something shift as regret rained down on her.
“Nothing.” He responded quickly.
“Cormoran?” Leda pressed, a sharp glare in her eyes.
“Nothing I swear.” He said quietly, a pleading look in his eyes.
“Do you-“ Leda began, a fierce edge to her voice, but then stopped just as quickly remembering where they were.
Mrs Herbert’s face had dropped as the regret flooded in. A moment ago she herself had looked just like any other judgemental mother at the school gates, mothers that she herself despised, but the image of Nick sitting in some dodgy flat swigging from a bottle of wine with Leda had filled her with anger. She watched mother and son, a mixture of paranoia and defiance washing across Leda’s face while Cormoran’s head dipped and his eyes rested on his plate. She saw him shut his eyes for the briefest of seconds and then he looked up at her and Nick’s dad.
“Maybe we should go.” He said, a fake smile plastered on his face.
“Yes, come on Cormoran.” Leda agreed as she rose, one hand grabbing her son’s wrist and Mrs Herbert noticed the absence of the usual pet names she used when talking to him.
“We’ve still got dessert!” Nick said, floundering for a way to stop the downhill motion of the evening.
“Sorry, Nick. Maybe if you’re ever allowed over to ours again we can have cake.” Leda’s voice held a certain amount of venom and Mrs Herbert’s cutting response was dissolved by the look of embarrassment on Cormoran’s face.
“Leda, look I’m... I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Didn’t mean to call me a drunk?”
“Mum, she didn’t-“ Cormoran started.
“-oh, you’re sticking up for her! She’s Nick’s mum, not yours!” Leda exclaimed and Cormoran took a step back.
“Please mum.” He whispered. Leda realised her hand was outstretched where Cormoran had pulled his wrist from her grip. She suddenly felt small and out of her depth, a groupie in a grey room without a band. She looked at Nick, who often held a look of amazement and bashfulness whenever he was around her but who increasingly lately just looked wary. As if he was waiting to see the stories he’d heard about her come to life before his eyes. It was the same in Cornwall before she left for London, neighbours looked at her as if she was on leave from the circus and she felt compelled to perform all her own stunts.
“Why don’t we all just take a breather, hey?” Nick’s dad suggested with a warm smile.
“I’m sorry Leda, really I am, I didn’t mean to be hurtful.” Mrs Herbert confessed.
“Mum?” Cormoran asked, still standing in front of her and waiting for her to make the decision. Leda felt the fight go out of her. She was reminded again that this house was Cormoran’s safe haven, that the people in front of her had been there for him when she should have been.
“Suppose dessert is Cormoran’s favourite. What kind of mum would I be if I denied you that?” She said but finished it with a tight smile. Cormoran moved to sit back down but Leda grabbed her bag from the floor.
“I’m just gonna have a quick smoke.” She announced and moved to the back door with Cormoran quickly following behind.
—————
It had started to drizzle slightly but the porch at the back of Nick’s house offered a little shelter. Leda stood with one hand wrapped around herself and the other bent at the elbow with her cigarette held aloft. Cormoran stood in silence beside her, she could feel the tension rolling off him.
“I better not offer you a ciggie, she’d probably report me to social services.” Leda said, making sure Cormoran saw her teasing smile. He blew out a breath and smiled back while shaking his head.
“She just... she’s just protective.” He said.
“Mm. And not just of Nick.” Leda responded and Cormoran looked away.
She wondered again how much they knew about her life and Cormoran’s. Nick’s house being a safe haven for Cormoran wasn’t something she allowed herself to ponder too much. The idea of her home, as often as it shifted location, not always being a place of safety for her children was not the kind of territory that Leda liked her mind to wander.
“You’d be happier here, wouldn’t you?” Leda asked, her eyes wide and vulnerable in that way that made Cormoran’s chest ache.
“Mum-“
“Wouldn’t you?” She pushed.
Leda watched her son’s face barely twitch, but twitch enough for her to know there was some truth in what she said.
“A house you’d never have to leave, your own room, a mum who‘s there when you come home from school, who makes your favourite dessert, a dad who,” she laughed bitterly before continuing, “well, a dad full stop.”
“It wouldn’t be the same without you and Lucy.” He mumbled, at a loss for something else to say.
Leda took a long drag on her cigarette.
“I belong with you.” He said quietly. The implication that he didn’t belong in this other safe and normal world went unaddressed.
Leda reached out and grabbed his hand.
“And I’ve never needed a dad. You’ve always been more than enough.” He continued.
Cormoran’s mouth quirked a little and Leda let out a small laugh.
“More than enough? You saying I’m all trouble?”
“I didn’t mean it like that, I meant-“ Cormoran was cut off by Leda pulling him close and kissing the side of his head. She smelt of tobacco, red wine, hairspray and the smoky perfume she always wore. He didn’t know it now, but one day that smell as she pulled him close would be one of his abiding memories of her.
“I know what you meant darling.” She threw her cigarette into a bucket half full of stubs by the back door and took Cormoran’s hand.
“Come on my Cornish giant, you’ve got a desert to demolish.” Leda linked his arm and they made their way back inside.